Elements of Weird

Chapter 2: The Definition of Fuck

Author: zachedwrad94

Co-author: DropDeadThenDance

Word Count: 2336

Warning: Excessive use of strong language, extreme fucktardism, suggestive themes and mild cartoon violence

The guards worked their way into the room silently, their numbers far more than Zach had first guessed. It had appeared that there were no more than four of them, but as their group of three was outnumbered by a squad of twelve unicorns, he figured they were very much screwed if things went sour for them.

Tyler’s nostrils flared, obviously not as impressed by the opposing unicorns as Zach was, but he didn’t jump forward this time. Zach’s prying eyes were trained on him, silently begging him not to do anything rash, but Tyler had already done a considerable amount of damage to the hospital since waking, so there really was no telling what would happen from here.

Two of the unicorn guards stepped forward suddenly, their horns blazing, and Tyler was hoisted into the air, a greenish aura surrounding his body and keeping him immobilized. The ashen pony began to struggle, surprising the unicorns, and they rushed forward with what appeared to be shackles.

Zach wasn’t entirely surprised as Tyler began to muscle his way through the guards’ spell, his hot headiness fueling him as he began to kick and struggle with the force field and, to the guards’ surprise, he was actually breaking free. One of them came up with the strange pair of shackles, not willing to let Tyler escape, and snapped one of the cuffs around the pale stallion’s hooves.

The guard had to duck to avoid getting kicked in the face, barely managing to get another one of the cuffs onto the aggressive pony, and by then his fellow guards were finally jumping in to help him. They dragged Tyler to the floor, doing their best to hold him down as he kicked and swore violently at them, his limbs thrashing about.

Lindsey watched from Zach’s side, noting the size differences she’d noticed between all of the ponies she’d seen; Tyler was considerably larger than her, a head and a half taller at least, and his muscle mass was considerably higher than her own. However, she was taller than the nurse ponies who’d been in the room not long ago, and the guards were actually about the same size as Tyler, but much shorter than Zach who was towering over her by at least two and a half heads.

There was a loud crash and Lindsey jumped, looking up to see that Tyler had slammed his back hoof into a guard’s head, knocking his helmet off, and sending it clattering into the wall. The guard jumped back up, shaken but not down, and then body slammed Tyler with a cumbersome roar. Tyler gasped when the guards body collided with his own, nearly knocking the wind out of him.

“Geez,” Lindsey murmured as the guards finally had Tyler shackled down. “You’d think that would have been less of a pain,” she whispered to Zach, still watching as the white stallions yanked Tyler up onto his hooves.

“Eh,” Zach replied simply.

“You two,” a guard said suddenly and they both turned, looking at him with wide eyes full of expectation, and maybe a little worry. “Come with us, we need to collect the rest of your party before your appointment with the Princess,” he said and then turned, gesturing the other guards drag Tyler from the now completely demolished hospital room.

Lindsey’s eyes began to glisten with some sort of excitement. “Oh my god, Zach,” she said in a squeaky voice, scooting closer to Zach with a wide smile on her face. “We’re gonna go meet Trolestia,” she said with a wide grin.

Zach looked less than enthused by the idea, but let a thin smile creep across his face. “Yay,” he said apathetically. “We’re gonna get trolled,” he groaned then frowned. “I don’t wanna.”

“Hey!” one of the guards snapped, taking a step towards the two brony ponies. “Don’t speak about the princess with such contempt!” he snarled at them, taking an aggressive step forward. “You’re lucky her majesty would even have an audience with you! The Captain of the Guard has reason to think you ponies are Changelings spies, so don’t think you’re off the hook or anything!”

Lindsey raised her brow at him, looking a bit skeptical. “Changelings? Really?” she murmured a bit sarcastically. She inched towards the guard, an evil little glimmer in her eye as she stood on the tips of her hooves, inching closer to his face. “Don’t you think changelings would do a better job hiding out than this?” she asked in a slightly creeper voice. “Isn’t it possible that we’re just a distraction, a poor group of unsuspecting ponies, and the changelings are infiltrating the capital right now while you’re wasting time here with us?”

Zach stood nearby, his eyes half lidded with a dark look in his eye. “Could be,” he said slowly, Lindsey creepishly scooting back so she could stand next to Zach. The guard stared at them, a nervous look flickering in his eye for a moment, but then Zach shrugged casually. “But that’s probably not it, right Lindsey?”

The red headed mare nodded casually, acting as if her previous statement had meant nothing at all. The guards looked back and forth between Lindsey and Zach, unsure of what to think, but they inched back and headed towards the door. “Either way,” the aggressive guard said. “We’re wasting time, come on,” he commanded.

Tyler rolled his eyes, his mouth moving mockingly to copy what the guard had been saying. Lindsey snickered as she trotted behind Tyler, the ashen pony making faces at the back of the guard’s head, while Zach inched along at the tail end of the trio. The guards had surrounded the group by now, leading them down the hall and past a few doorways where sick ponies were being treated.

The trip was short, probably less than a minute and ended with Zach, Lindsey, and Tyler being led into another hospital room very similar to their own. From inside, Zach could hear a familiar voice talking very rapidly with a harsh note of irritation lingering in their words. “Just stop, just shut the fuck up, and listen,” the voice said with quickening agitation. “Give. Me. A. Fucking. Cigarette,” the voice hissed and Zach entered the room, curious to see who was speaking.

On the far end of the room there was a heavier set pony with a dark grey coat and a blonde mane and tail. Both his mane and tail, however, were cropped and looked as if a monkey had attacked his head with a machete. The pony had off blue eyes that seemed unfocused, though irritated, and were framed by a set of round black glasses.

He seemed oddly familiar to Zach, the tall pony studied the other stallion for a moment until he realized something was very off about this pony. Protruding from his head was what appeared to be a horn, much like Lindsey’s, but with one very obvious difference. The grey colt’s horn was snapped crudely in the middle, leaving an odd, misshapen shard sticking out of his forehead.

In his mind, only a single one of his friends matched this odd interpretation of pony animation. “King?” Zach asked curiously, drawing Lindsey and Tyler into the room with expressions of interest.

The dark grey pony glanced up, his eyes narrowing a bit as he stared at Zach, than he threw himself back onto the gurney. “For fuck’s sake!” he groaned, obviously irritated. He shot up again then, eyes narrowed into a thin glare. “One of you better have a fucking cigarette, or so help me, I’m gonna be kicking all kinds of ass,” he threatened.

“King, I thought you quit?” Lindsey asked, her head tilting slightly. She’d become very accustomed to the ponies over the last ten or so minutes, and seeing yet ANOTHER one of her friends now in pony form didn’t really bother her too much.

King lifted his hoof suddenly, his eyes wide with his pupils shrinking to the size of pinheads, and he pointed at Lindsey with a nasty look on his face. “Don’t fuck with me right now, okay?” he said stubbornly, his eye twitching. “There’s some crazy pony bullshit going on, which is probably you and Zach’s fault, so I think I’m entitled to a god damn smoke,” he snarled, still looking at her as if he may leap across the room and snap her neck.

At that moment, Tyler shoved past Lindsey and Zach and threw himself across the room, tackling King right out of bed. The blankets flew up around them, ensnaring the two stallions in an awkward embrace. The scene was only made worse when the guards entered the room, finding themselves staring at Tyler clumsily humping King through the hospital sheets, the ash white pony roared, seemingly insane to all the normal ponies present. “Take it, King! TAKE IT YOU FILFTHY WHORE!!”

“Get your dick out of my ass, you pervert!” King screamed, obviously even more annoyed than he was just moments earlier. The grey pony struggled with the sheets, kicking and screaming in an attempt to get Tyler off of him.

“You know,” Lindsey murmured, watching as two guards rushed over to the scene, trying to pull Tyler off as he screamed he needed to make love to his fat skank. “For a guy totally shackled, he’s still pretty agile,” the mare commented, looking a bit disgusted as Tyler was finally yanked away from King.

Zach nodded, watching as the guards attempted to pin Tyler to the floor, the white colt surprising them as he bucked and threw them off. “Yeah, but Tyler’s kinda crazy, so it makes sense,” he reasoned and the smaller female made a little face, seeming as if she suddenly understood exactly what was going on.

“No! Let me love you!” Tyler cried, obviously having an extremely good time as the guards pried him from King, the grey pony being restrained as he attempted to smash a metal tray over Tyler’s head.

On the opposite side of the room, Lindsey noticed another pony. A younger looking white stallion with square framed glasses, a well groomed, cocoa brown mane and a long, luxurious tail. His pale green eyes seemed totally calm, he himself seemingly unaffected by everything that was happening around him, and for a moment Lindsey wondered if he was a normal pony.

However, his voice was a dead giveaway; full of self-proclaimed authority and a lack of discomfort. “Austin?” Lindsey questioned, drawing Zach’s attention to the pony that appeared to have just walked out of Canterlot.

He glanced over, his conversation with the doctor bluntly interrupted. “Lindsey?” he returned, confirming both of their suspicions. “Well,” he murmured, his hoof rubbing the back of his head. “At least I’m not stuck here with King and Teddy,” he said with a slight shrug, seeming as if being stuck with the ponies mentioned was less than appealing.

“Teddy’s here!?” Lindsey gasped, her eyes beginning to twinkle. Austin pointed to the middle gurney

where a shape was laying and Lindsey quickly moved towards it, sticking her nose partly under the blankets. “Teddy?” she murmured softly, staring at the shape with wide, expectant eyes.

“Are the ponies gone?” a heavier voice asked, very distinctly male.

“No?” Lindsey responded slowly, a bit confused by the question.

“Then I’m going to fucking stay right here and sleep until I wake up and there’s no fucking ponies,” Teddy said harshly from under the blankets, pulling them tighter around himself. He sounded very irritated, probably because he hated My Little Ponies the most out of the group. Lindsey knew he couldn’t even tolerate them as background noise, getting very angry when he saw them on Zach’s computer screen.

The doctor Austin had been talking to was staring at Teddy’s blanket, an odd look on his face. “You all keep saying… Fuck,” he said slowly, obviously becoming more and more perplexed about something. “What does that word mean, exactly?” he asked.

The blankets where Teddy was laying were suddenly thrown from the gurney, a tan colored stallion shooting up, and his blue eyes were transfixed with rage on the doctor. “Are you fucking kidding me right now? Really?” Teddy said, his spastic blonde hair bouncing around his head as he turned to stare daggers at the pony.

Lindsey stared at Teddy with bright stars in her eyes, looking as if she’d seen a super hero or an idol, the stallion dropping himself from the gurney. At that moment, Lindsey noticed that Teddy was about the same size as Tyler, his muscle mass almost identical, but he had a must more rustic look about him. His blond tail and mane were cropped and messy, a beard growing from the bottom of his chin, and a yellow tint around his snout.

“Fuck, the word fuck?” Teddy asked, inching closer to the considerably smaller male. “Fornicate under command of king, f.u.c.k. It’s slang for up yours, you’re a dumb ass, an ugly prick, or a god damned rainbow colored glue stick!”

The doctor stared at Teddy, obviously intimidated, but the red headed mare bounced between the two in hopes of stopping any more unnecessary confrontation before their appointment with the Princess. “Teddy, stop being an ass!” she said harshly and the blonde stared down at her, his eyes still narrowed into a dangerous stare.

He inched closer to Lindsey, resting his head on top of her, but continued to mentally murder the pony in the white lab coat. “This isn’t over, you tiny pony bastard,” he mouthed silently, making the smaller pony shudder and inch away in fear.

“Well, okay then!” Tyler shoulder, two guards sitting on his back to try and keep him restrained. “That was a very heartwarming display, but can we PLEASE get these fuckers off of me?” he asked with a wide grin, his eye twitching a bit.

“Do I want to know?” Teddy asked, staring at Tyler.

“No… No, probably not,” Lindsey said simply, grinning.