Chapter 35: Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That!
The top scientists of the world decided to collaborate on a project. It was known as “Operation: Anchorage.” To make a long story short, they were opening a Portal 2 to Equestria. The portal would have the ability to teleport only one person to the magical lands of ponies and whatever the fuck else lives there. I’m pretty sure there’s some annoying little dragon things. Anyways, the scientists had to make a tough decision: Who would be the lucky winner to travel to Equestria? They called in contestants from all over the world. The contestants were Chris Christie, one of the scientists who was a closet brony, some ape from Africa, Jo the Liberal, Josh Peck, Mordecai69, Honkycracka, BigDaddyTyrese, Benny Benassi, a child with AIDS whose wish from the Grant A Dream Foundation was to travel to her favorite show’s location, One of them Methodist niggas, Dakota’s Catholic parents, Rand Paul, a Pacific Islander, a mother who was in the process of taking a shit, Sasha Grey, Tiarawhy, Ada Wong, Russell Johnson, Madisooooon, Kevin Tran, the inventors of the Fleshlight, Mista Hunyadi, George Zimmerman, Tyrone Thug Nasty Biggums, this guy, that guy, Jake Muller, Earlund Grey-Mane, Meruhnes Dagon, Ulfric Stormcloak, Nicholas Sparks, Nicholas Cage, Nicholas Sanzone, Geoffrey, Carlton, Hagrid, and last and least, Daniel Smith. Daniel Smith, the southpaw from the Southern Bronx. He was the underdog. Everyone in attendance was expecting Ada Wong to win, because she’s a badass. Hell, they expected Honkycracka to win more than Daniel Smith. But Daniel Smith won. Yep that’s right. He fucking won by using the one power greater than all others: Love. His love for Twilight Sparkle made him win somehow. Not sure how, but the point is that he loved Twilight. He ended up killing that AIDS kid and severely injuring Tyrone Thug Nasty Biggums. It was ugly.
So the portal was opened. There was a nice celebration and everything, but Daniel didn’t stick around. He was too eager to enter the portal. He bolted for it. But he was stopped by one of the scientists.
“What the fuck do you want?!” Daniel asked, urgently, “I need to get through that portal!”
“There’s just something you should know,” the scientist replied.
“What the fuck is it?”
“Well, the Equestria in MLP:FiM is the based on the Equestria from a few decades ago. We have no knowledge of the modern Equestria. Things may be…different…than you expect.”
“I don’t give a fuck!” Daniel shouted. He dove into the portal with a smile the size of something big.
Daniel arrived. His vision was blurred at first, but then everything came into focus. He looked around. He was in a gray field. Cartoonish plants and blades of grass swayed in the light breeze. Daniel looked down at himself. He was surprised to find that he had actually turned cartoonish too! It actually looked pretty cool. Daniel headed towards Ponyville, because he automatically knew how to get there from a random field.
And there it was! Off in the distance he saw a few rooftops. He ran at full speed, which is actually pretty fucking fast, into the town. But there was a problem…buildings were destroyed-whole chunks just blown off of them. Everything was grey and dull-looking. Other structures lay in ruins. Ponyville was, well, destroyed. There was no sign of intelligent life anywhere. Daniel walked over to a nearby fountain. He sat down and began to contemplate his decision in coming here. “What the fuck happened here?” He thought to himself.
Suddenly, he heard something behind him. He turned around quickly and shot off the fountain. “Who’s there?!” he yelled. No answer. And then he heard a high pitch screech from behind him. “WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!” it screamed, and something hit him hard in the back. He was knocked down. He rolled over to see his worst nightmare.
“Yippee! A new friend to play with!” said the annoying pink pony on top of Daniel. Daniel pushed her off. “Oh no,” he thought. “This is gonna be bunches of fun!” the pink pony said.
Yes, indeed. It was Pinkie Pie, AKA Daniel’s least favorite pony. “What the…where is everybody else?” Daniel asked. “Oh, that? There was a big war. I’m the only survivor.”
Daniel was shocked at this news. “Even…Twilight?” Daniel asked. It was hard for him to say this. He wanted to cry.
“Yeah, she died too…is there something you wanted to tell her?” said Pinkie Pie, who didn’t seem sad at all.
Daniel thought of all the things he wanted to tell Twilight. That was a very long list. Tears ran down his cheeks. Now he would never meet his love.
“That’s OK though!” Pinkie Pie said, cheerfully. “We can play games together aaaaaaall day long! It’ll be tons of fun!”
Daniel was now in a fit of pure rage. He reached out and snapped Pinkie Pie’s neck easily. She fell to the ground. “Damn,” Daniel thought, “I should’ve asked her some more details about the war and all that…”
Daniel went back to where the portal was opened; only it wasn’t there anymore. “FUCK!” Daniel shouted.
Daniel decided to go back to Ponyville. He was going to try to find some food and water, and a place to sleep. He had an urge to go into Twilight’s old house, so he did. He entered he old home. It was surprisingly in good shape. He went upstairs to Twilight’s bedroom. He started looking around. He wasn’t sure what he was looking for, but he looked around anyways.
And then he discovered the greatest discovery he had ever discovered. Under Twilight’s bed, there was an old shoe box. He opened it. It was full of novels Twilight had written. “Cool,” Daniel thought. But then he looked back into the box. His face lit up with excitement when he saw them.
It was full of, none other than, thousands of pictures of Twilight she had taken herself. She was in questionable poses and nude in most of them. This would last Daniel a lifetime. He sat there until the end of his days clopping in Twilight’s bed. He was content.
Author's Note
Enjoy :)
