The Ponyville Connundrum III: Saving Simon

Canterlot was different than I remembered. There were no friends walking side by side, talking, gossiping, or laughing. There were no snobbish rich unicorns strutting around, sitting in restaurants, or sipping champagne. There were only royal guardsponies, some very frightened foreigners, and a couple of raggedy-looking, suspicious, seemingly armed ponies. (RAN: Think FiMFlamFilosophy's Dazzler, with a few steak knives.) (RAN: That's right, fillies and gentlegolts, Random Author's Notes are back! In RAN we trust.)

"What has happened to Canterlot?" Rarity hissed in my ear. "The change is uncanny!"

"Alright, simpletons, this is my stop," Trixie called, motioning to a door. The guards blocking the door stepped aside. "See you on the other side!" She laughed maliciously before disappearing in a cloud of smoke, and, for once, genuinely disappearing.

The Ponyville Connundrum III

Chapter 2: Disruption

Nervously, I started for the door. The guard on the left gave me a disapproving glare. I shrank a bit and continued walking, faster. By the time I knew where I was, I had reduced to a normal speed and was standing up straight again. The others followed soon after.

We were in the palace hall. One a many tinted glass mosaics filled the windows, advertising the good deeds of many. At the end of said hall was the throne room. A collective gulp erupted from the group. Princess Celestia would not be happy. I couldn't think of anyone who would be. As Damo might of said: Everypony would be mighty pissed. Powerful as she was, she wouldn't possibly think of banishing us! Would she?

Why do I always have to be so pessimistic? I thought to myself, assuring myself at the same time that what Rarity said was true. Hoping it was, at least.

Hoping.

I knocked on the throne room door. I waited for an answer. None came. Simon pushed me aside, and banged on the door.

"Yo! I'm Simon, here with the Hell the Mints of Armory, or whatever!" he yelled.

"Elements of Harmony..." I corrected. He shrugged.

"Yeah! That!" he yelled at the door. A voice answered.

"Enter," it commanded. Princess Luna.

I walked in, slowly. Pinkie bounded after. Next were Scootaloo and Simon, then Sweetie Belle and Applebloom. Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, and Spike followed. Spike had to go back and push Fluttershy into the room.

"Wimp," Simon mumbled. He turned to Luna. "Are you Luna?"

"WHO ART THOU?" Princess Luna shouted, in the Canterlot royal voice. Everypony shivered at the loudness, but Simon simply smirked. (RAN: Awesome alliterations aren't an ambitious achievement, all are as attention-arousing as an attractive actress’s ass, as always.)

"So, you're into the medieval junk, are you? Well, whatever. Yelling doesn't phase me, either. You're talking to the bastard who got twenty four consecutive detentions in the fifth grade. State record. You think I don't know raised voices?" he boasted. "So, listen, fucktard, you know what humans are, you've had some around. Well, I'm a friend of the three you had. And I ended up in a horse body. If you'd be so kind, I'm close to beating Black Ops 3 campaign on the hardest setting, I'd like to go home. I haven't even started World at War 2, so I'd rather not be a laughing stock when I get home!"

"You say when like it'll happen," Rainbow Dash grunted.

"Oh, it'll happen, gayhair, or so help me!" he pounded his hoof into his other menacingly. Princess Luna looked very irate.

"BE QUIET, SIMPLETON!" she demanded and stomped her hoof. "THOU HATH A LOT TO ANSWER FOR!"

"I apologize, your highness," I said somberly, bowing. She glared at the others in the group. Everypony but Simon bowed. Luna stared at Simon expectantly. He raised an eyebrow.

"I don't bow to anybody," he chuckled. "Nothing against you. You know? I like you. You've got spunk."

Luna showed a hint of self-pride before smacking the boy. "Thou doeth as thou art told!"

Simon shook the pain away and spit out a glob of blood. "Look, I appreciate the welcoming gift, but how's about we get down to business? Damo's forced me to watch enough episodes for me to know that this place is a regular Sunnydale. But, in turn, it comes with all the same goodies. If we could find a thing or whatsit that can revert me back to my human self? That'd be great," he bargained. Based on what I've heard and seen, Simon was being very polite. Luna was taken aback, though. She had tried every method she knew. Loudness, threats, and violence. Simon was unshaved! He tilted his head at Princess Luna. "Look, it's not you. To be honest, I hate this show, but I kind of like you getting to meet you. I'm willing to make a deal. You anybody else? I'd be out the goddamn door by now. Seriously, even Ten Gallon over there!" he pointed at Applejack. "She kicked me through a glass door, for fucks sake!" Luna nodded slowly. "What do you say?"

"I'd have to take it up with my sister..." she whispered.

"So the nice lady speaks normally. Good to know," he made a mental note. This event baffled me. Simon didn't get along with a lot of ponies... er, people. Neither did Luna. Figures.

"You know, you've caused a major disruption, young ones," Luna scolded as we walked through the palace. "My sister has very important business, and left me in charge." She waved a hoof through the air.

"Well, who knows?" Scootaloo suddenly said. (RAN: Again, another alliteration!) "Maybe disruption can be a good thing."

"Once you hear what I have to say, you might understand," a demanding voice grunted. Princess Celestia was fuming. I had never seen her so mad. Not even the time I was tardy.

"So, you're the other princess?" Simon suddenly asked, squeezing through the group and plopping in front of her. "I've heard an earful about you."

"And this is?" Princess Celestia growled impatiently.

"Simon Lanrete, what's it to you?" he snorted. "All I want is home."

"He is a human turned colt, sister," Luna added.

"Er, that too..." he shrugged. "So, do usually have smoke coming out of your ears, or are you just happy to see me?" Scootaloo snickered, but the lot of us shot her a glance, making her back away, into a royal guardspony, causing her to jump. Simon narrowed his eyes at this. "Ponies are weird. Anyway, I hear you're not fond of humans. I'm not fond of a communist country with a three dictator dynasty full of gay, magic ponies!" He glanced at the group. "Okay, maybe not as gay as I thought, and they aren't all magic. I'll admit the flying and the bucking with the faces is cool, with a "k", mind you, but otherwise, fondness levels are at a zero. Maybe a half, but that's as far as I go." (RAN: For all of those who are still saying hip and happening, cool has been developed as an insult. It now stands for "Constipated, Overrated, Out-of-style, Loser". So when something is by eighties/nineties standards "cool", it's cool with a k. Kool.)

I began to correct him on the communism part, but when I thought about it, he would just argue until the day one of us died to prove his point.

"So, what?" Rainbow spoke. Simon began to pace in circles. (RAN: I'm adding a new section. FFOD are Fun Facts of Doom. They tell something personal about the character's real life base, or something about the character themselves.) (FFOD: Pacing is a nervous habit of Sam's. So it is Simon's.)

"My folks at home will get worried. I was brought here by a force. Who knows how Damo and company got here? Only god knows how I'll get out," he mumbled. Princess Celestia stomped the ground, shaking the floor below us all, and toppling over poor Derpy.

"SILENCE!" she yelled. Simon, unsurprisingly, was unshaken. The process of confusion swept over Princess Celestia's face. "Why don't you fear my anger?"

"Because, you're a kind loving person who would never hurt a soul," Simon sighed sarcastically. (RAN: I'm not even going to say it.) Switching back to seriousness, he then explained: "It's because I have the same wish as you. For me to haul ass back to home! Of course, it isn't ever that easy. Some son's-'a is going to try to stop us. That's how it always is." Princess Celestia just stared at him. "I know you're known for monodimensionality, but this is ridiculous! Are you going to work with me or not?" He waved a hoof in her face. "Hello? Anybody in there? Jesus, you are inattentive! Are you going to send someone to the moon? I understand you like doing that..." Luna raised an eyebrow at this. He made a face that said "Sorry!" and moved on getting her attention. Eventually, he gave up. Celestia has not paying any attention. "Hey! You! Smart chick!" he suddenly yelled. "Sweatervest! With the horn! Bella, or whatever!"

I realized he was talking to me. "My name is Twilight Sparkle." I said suddenly.

"Knew it had something to do with Stephanie Meyers. Are you related to Grandma Sparkle?" (RAN: Fallout 3 reference FTW.) he asked. "Kidding. So, what's your idea?"

"M-my idea?" I stuttered. "Who said I had an idea?"

"Aren't you the idea woman?" he laughed. "Whatever. Get an idea, soon. I wanna go home!"

I just stared at him. I thought about this while staring at him. The poor soul looked defenseless in an unfamiliar world. Around then I realized that's what the badmouthing jerk had become.

A lost, helpless colt.

I chuckled and headed back for the door of the castle. He had caused quite a disruption, hadn't he? This guy, who has been bullied and abused his whole life, (FFOD: Simon comes from a rough home.) no friends but the two we've met, (FFOD: Harry is not Simon's friend.) and has been kicked through a window by Applejack, has waltzed in here and trapped in a bubble (RAN: Hamster ball, anypony?) I created, disrespected both princesses, metaphorically spit in the face of the code and conduct created, and I'm helping him get home.

I'm insane.