The Ponyville Connundrum III: Saving Simon

Celestia, by this point, had calmed down and was ready to get to business. No one wanted Simon there. No one. Maybe Luna, but that's unlikely. So we decided, and I quote, to return the little brat to sender. We just had to see what Damo and company were doing, first. So we had to look in on them. Well, as cliché as it was, we had to use a fortune telling ball to peer into other dimensions. Surprizingly enough, Simon had no comment. Celestia activated the ball, and the form of, what seemed like, a store. It was different. There were malformed figures and oversized ones, wearing disgracing clothing, full of knickknacks, clothing and food. The humans in this outlet seemed to be the true mistakes, the cesspool, of the human race. (RAN: Anyone who sees where this is going, and shops there, should skip the next sentence.) A banner on the wall read Wal*Mart.

Suddenly, Damo burst through the doors, and the image focused on him, followed by Harry, then Price, and then another human, more heavyset and darker skinned than the others after them. A song could be heard blasting from Joshiana, earbuds around Damo's neck. Harry tapped him on the shoulder.

"You know we can all hear that, right?" he shouted over the music.

"Who gives a shit? It's WalMart!" Damo shouted back. Everypony was silent, so I could properly hear the music.

Open the door, scream like it's been ages!

"How you doin' girl? You look amazin'!"

"What in the glorious name of Satan are we hearin'?" joked Price. Harry shrugged.

"Katy B! Wiley! Some other guy!" responded Damo. And in a lower voice: "DUBSTEP!"

"Yeah, sure..." Price rolled his eyes.

"It is!" insisted Damo. He began to sing along very badly: "I just got paid! I just got pay-yay-yay-yayed! Weeoooeeeoooeeeoooeeeeeeeeeee! Fri-day never leeeets me down! Grab ya coat we gon' hiiiiiit the town! 'Cause we just got paid, we just got paid!"

"You're singing it wrong..." pointed out the unidentified one.

"Whatever, Tyler, you like this song!" Damo teased.

"I don't like your singing," this "Tyler" retorted.

"Well, whatevs," Damo rolled his eyes. "I'm still liking the music."

"I understand that, but please refrain from singing along," Tyler insisted.

"Please. My ears love me, let me be able to say the same for them," Price agreed. Damo shrugged.

"Fine, I said fine!" he yelled. "We're here to buy batteries and a Music Bullet!"

"Do they sell those here?" Price raised an eyebrow.

"Prolly," Damo shrugged. (RAN: They don't. Just go with it for the sake of the story.)

"They better!" Harry wagged a finger in the air and started walking faster. "This place scares me!" he approached a blemish-faced, curly-haired male. "Excuse me, corporate slave? Do you sell the Music Bullet here?"

"Mmnhuhfm," replied the boy.

"I understand you're probably another Jeremy Duncan who has nothing better to do, but answer me in English, if possible," Damo demanded. (RAN: Again! Alliterations! Oh, damn, there it goes again.)

"Isle 7," he sighed and walked away. A nametag fell off. It read "Beckham".

"Yo! Beck!" called Harry, but the man had already left. He shrugged. "Isle 7 it is!"

"Whatever! Let's dance!" Tyler laughed and began dancing in a circle.

                  ("I like this guy!" Pinkie cheered in the background.)

I noticed a change in the music, not a bad one at that.

"C'mon, Tyler! No need to get you excited, we just need the stuff," Damo motioned for the back of the store. "Isle 7 is somewhere."

"No shit," grumbled Harry. Price pursed his lips.

"Music... Bullet!" exclaimed Damo, picking up a box. He threw his fist in the air. "I win!"

"Do we need to say you won?" asked Harry, pushing up his glasses. "I mean, if you pay for it, did you win it?"

"Will it blend?" bellowed Price.

"Yes, I guess not, yes, but we're not," Damo answered. Price and Harry looked at each other and shrugged.

"You'll need batteries. Lots of batteries," Tyler pointed out.

"Yesh," agreed Damo, closing his eyes. "We shall needsh zhe batteresh."

Damo and Tyler danced around the store, Harry and Price following. They seemed to be lost. Damo walked through the candy isle a couple of times, Harry and Tyler through the tires, Price flipping through a manuscript that read "Cosmopolitan" on the front, and Tyler and Price a different time down through the toy isle, and picked up what seemed to be a Rainbow Dash toy miscoloured mane. Tyler mumbled something about "Hasbro".

But, all in all, they found these so called "batteries" they were looking for. They gathered around a display, showing off various colours and sizes.

"Remember. Triple A," reminded Damo.

Harry picked a pack up. "These?" The package had at least 50 smaller batteries in it.

"Energizer. Good brand. Too expensive. A whoppin' $10.93!" Damo exclaimed. "Put it back."

"Some of these?" Tyler held up another package with less, and in different colours.

"Duracell. Okay, but still $7.47," Damo shrugged. "For the love of Nica Lorber, battery prices skyrocketed while we were gone!"

"Indeed," agreed Price.

     ("Now would be a good of time as ever to send him back, Twilight," Princess Celestia insisted.)

"Maybe I should go to Dollar Tree and get Sunbeam instead," Damo shrugged.

     ("If you insist, your majesty," I obeyed. "I know one teleportation spell that suits you to the accommodating surroundings. Perhaps I can send him home with such a spell!")

"Sunbeam is bullshit. Go for this stuff," argued Price.

     (I readied myself, horn glowing, in deep concentration. A bolt of magic was about to fly out of my horn, when Simon yelled: "Hurry your ass up or I will sabotage everything!")

"Do you hear something?" asked Tyler.

       (Simon bumped into me and the shock of magic traveled into the screen displaying Damo and company's adventure.)

"I'm not su--" Damo was cut off by a loud boom, and a bright purple flash took Damo, Tyler, Price, Harry, and the battery display with its dimming.

"Christ!" yelled one obese lady in a Rascal.

"You idiot!" yelled Rainbow Dash. "You could've killed them!"

"No... No..." I pondered. "They won’t die. If anything, they'll--" It was my turn to be cut off, by a loud "vworp" and Damo's voice screaming:

"--UUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!" as he barreled through it, followed by the other three humans. Only they weren't humans. As the voice of the flying Damo ran into me, sending me on my back, I realized something. The spell accommodated one’s body to the realm or place being traveled to. Which means Damo, Tyler, Price, and Harry would have to accommodate to Equestria's standards. I took a sharp gasp as I pieced the situation together. As I opened my eyes, through the rain of batteries, a pitch black colt with electric green hair stared me in the face.

As Damo might say, FUCK!

I looked around, and had to keep myself from laughing. A light brown Pegasus colt with maroon hair lay sprawled on the ground, a pair of wire frame glasses perched on it's muzzle. "Ow... Oh... Fuck my life..." it said. Harry.

A red earth pony colt with very dark orange hair lay searching for his glasses next to a winded Pinkie, who had apparently been knocked the wind out of when he flew out of the portal and whacked her in the stomach. Price.

A different Pegasus colt, golden, with blue hair, lay unconscious next to a pair of slightly dented soda-bottle glasses. This Tyler character, I bet.

It’s around this time I freaked.