In The Bag

Your head is pounding, you awake in a forest and cringe at the sun assaulting your vision and focus. “Why are my clothes so torn up?” you ask yourself, before remembering they were torn up before this little adventure in the forest. “What the fuck did I smoke last night, I swear if Dave laced my shit he’s dead” you say aloud. Getting to your feet you stumble and trip over a large duffle bag you failed to notice before. “What’s this bag doing here?” you ask yourself as you don’t remember ever seeing it before. It’s a simple black duffle bag but you’ve never had one like it. It seems pretty full, so, of course, you open it. “Jesus H Fuck” you say with a grin. Glorious, glorious drugs galore. You take a look and sample some of the chemical happiness. After 15 minutes of seeing what’s there you have emptied the bag and took a list of its’ contents. It contains:

-4 pounds of sweet, stinky weed. It’s rainbow colored and about 1/3 is already rolled up. “AWWWWWYEEAAAAAHHHH!”

-350 40 mg Adderall pills. You pop two of them to curb your hunger and keep you focused, no sense in getting super fucked up when you already don’t know where you are, as tempting as it is, and it’s really tempting.

-2.5 pounds of coke. A test bump reveals it’s genuinity to you.

-A ton of acid, you didn't count of course, but you suspect it’s 6-8 hundred hits. Now you REALLY hope this isn’t a dream.

-8 oz. of shrooms, dried.

-5 pounds of tobacco, cigarette tubes to match and a manual rolling machine.

-7 bic lighters.

-1 large pocket knife

-A few various bottles of spirits, you were never crazy about drinking, you preferred to smoke stuff, but were still glad you had it.

-.40 cal Glock 22 with 125 rounds….”these are hollow point…now I hope I run into a cop” You smile a devious grin.

-Clean, new cargo pants, shirt and army-style jacket, complete with seemingly durable boots, they’re all perfectly your size and dark colored.

“Something fishy’s goin’ on” you say. Why would someone give thousands of dollars worth of glorious glorious drugs and weapons away for free, and how did they know your size for the clothing?

Refilling the bag and looking up you see the sun at the top of the sky, it’s about noon. Looking around you see that there doesn’t seem to be anything but forest in any direction, so you might as well pick a direction and follow it. You begin walking, with the bag of course, to what you think is the west, if you’re correct, you get a little bit more sunlight than if you’d gone the opposite way.

It’s been 9 hours or so since you’ve started walking, still only woods, you feel more thirsty than ever before, and are even more glad that you didn’t smoke copious amounts of weed yet. Yet. Now you were sure you were walking west, but didn’t have any shelter, which was worrying, you didn’t know what lived in these woods, and assumed the more dangerous creatures came out at night, so you climb into a tree and lay back, load the G22 and keep it ready, safety on though. You very slowly drift off to sleep, more easily as the speed wears off more and more.

You awake again, not feeling rested, but laying in a tree isn’t very comfortable, you hop out and only then notice how very, very dark it is, looking around you don’t see any light source, and decide to start walking again, taking a small line of snow to wake up more. After about 45 minutes it starts getting lighter out, still no sign of light or civilization, “Fuck it” You take out 6 grams of shrooms, 2 blunts and 4 hits of acid. After feasting on these yummy drugs, you are higher than you’ve ever been, and stumble through the forest, rambling on and on about nonsense, until you notice it’s day again, and through the brush you see it, a town. A TOWN! You’re saved… but your precious drugs…you’re too high to care and stumble closer to the town, giggling and talking nonsense. You find yourself dancing/walking/skipping into the town, with a large joint in your mouth, singing a song you made up about nonsense. Falling over several times, but not letting your beautiful joint hit the ground, you are stumbling when you fall down a hill, a single tear of mournful sorrow escaping your eye when your joint falls and you roll over it, ruining it. You’ll have to have a funeral later.

You fall face first onto the dirt road of the town you’re now in. You lay there for a moment, wondering if you should go to sleep or not, when you roll over and see a shitload of horses staring at you…no, not horses, they’re too small, each about a foot and a half shorter than you, and their eyes were huge, also they had small designs on their ass, each of them different, they were pastel colored, too.  You sit up and try to stand but stumble and fall on your ass, staring back at the neon ponies watching you with quizzical and concerned looks on their little faces. You finally are able to say something. “What?” You ask the group of 30 or so ponies. All their eyes go wide and a few back away from you. “What? Why are looking at me like that?” Hushed banter occurs between most of the ponies, the rest staring wide-eyed at you in what you perceive to be disbelief. You stand up slowly, stumbling. You remember the mushrooms and acid you took and figure you must be tripping balls, so you start to walk into the town when a blue flying pony with a rainbow colored mane stops you, “Hey, you can talk?!?!!” she asks/yells at you. You were lost staring at her mane, which was dripping rainbows onto the ground and swirling, fractal patterns appearing in and around it. “Holy shit I can’t even th-“ You start to speak but everything fades to black as you pass out and hit the ground. You had forgotten that you hadn’t eaten or drank in about 5 days.

Light. It’s blinding and making your eyes strain, you sit up and look around. You’re in a hospital, nobody’s in your room, taking the tubes and shit out of your arm you sit up and get out of bed, and after a few minutes of looking, find your clothes. After you’re dressed you remember the bag. “OH SHIT.” You kick open the door and are stopped by a doctor, you grab his coat and get in his face. He looks absolutely terrified. “WHERE THE FUCK IS MY BAG??” You scream at him. He pulls away and points to a storage closet down the hall, he tells you to stop after you begin bolting towards it, sending a nurse over to unlock the door before you break it down. You’re handed….or hoofed your bag and open it to find all your precious drugs and weapons still there.

You breathe a huge sigh of relief, and walk back over to the doctor, and you can see the fear in his eyes, you tell him you’re very sorry, weren’t thinking straight and that the things in the bag are very important to you, only two of which were lies. He tells you it’s okay, patients react differently and he’s glad that you came back to apologize. “So can I leave now?” You ask. “Yes but you’ll have to meet with the mayor, you’re not in trouble, she just wants to talk.” “Oh alright, thanks for letting me stay here, doc.”

You part ways and exit the hospital, to see every pony in the area suddenly stare at you, it’s annoying,  but they’re still saying hello….a lot. Why are they so friendly? Are you in a coma? Dead? Sleeping? You’ve got no clue so you make your way to where the doctor said the mayor’s building was. You find it quickly, and a security guard stops you and tells you where her office is. You thank him and continue on your way, and just outside the mayor’s office another guard stops you and asks to check your bag, you oblige, you can easily destroy him if he tries anything. He confiscates your knife only, leaving the glock and drugs. You stare at him in disbelief and then realize this society doesn’t know what guns are. They better not piss you off. You smile at the thought, he thinks you’re being warm and friendly and smiles back, which makes you stifle a small chuckle.

You open the door and enter the mayor’s office, saying hello to her and sitting down with your bag. She begins asking you about what you are and you tell her you just woke up in the forest a few days before, and a very little bit about your world. She is perplexed and enthralled but has another meeting so she says you seem trustworthy (heh) and gives you a town map and keys to a house on the other side on the town, which is apparently called Ponyville.

You leave the building, and get your knife back. You light a cigarette and make your way to your new home, ignoring the stares, greetings, and questions of ponies throughout the town, when a pony you can’t ignore gets in your face, she’s entirely pinky and poofy, and stares at you for a few seconds “Hey, what’s up” You say, all she does is gasp very loudly and run away. “Dafuck?” You shake your head and continue home, when you see a general store, you begin to walk and then remember you have no money, without any friends, you go inside and ask the clerk if there’s anywhere around town you can work, he tells you to see a pony named Applejack at a farm called “Sweet Apple Acres”.

You thank him and head in the direction he told you to, and see an orange pony with apples tattooed on her ass bucking an apple tree. “This is probably her” You walk over and she greets you warmly, after talking for a while and being offered many different apple dishes and meeting her extended family (should’ve gotten high first…) she tells you she’ll pay you for chopping lumber, which you gladly accept. Several hours later, you’ve made 50 “bits” their currency, apparently.

As you’re walking home, you notice there’s nobody around and it puts you on edge, you keep checking behind you and pop two Adderall. You open the door for the pink pony from before to scream surprise in your face. You yell and punch her in the face, hard, and pull out your knife when Apple jack screams for you to stop. You look up and see all the ponies that were around town in your house, with party hats and frilly shit everywhere.  The pink pony is crying and everyone else is scowling at you. You briefly consider blowing your brains out but decide against it, for the time being. Applejack explains they were throwing you a party, so you help the pink pony up and apologize profusely. She jumps up and hugs you saying it’s okay, and telling you why she invited all the ponies and set the party up. You try to tell her you don’t like parties, but she won’t stop talking, so you go over to the couch and sit down.

You are soon surround by a few different ponies, the pink one introduces herself as Pinkie Pie, the rainbow maned one you saw before you passed out a few days earlier says her name is Rainbow Dash. Others around you introduce themselves as Fluttershy, Rarity, Twilight, Lyra, Vinyl Scratch, Octavia, and Derpy. You try not to lol when you hear Derpys’ name because she’s cross eyed. What terrible parents.

You open your bag and crush up some speed into a line, about 100 mg. They all look at you like you’re insane, and when you snort it they all gasp. You realize how weird it must look to them and laugh.  Tell them what it is, Rainbow asks for some and you give her a pill to take orally. You get an idea, smile and open the bag again, taking out two blunts and an 8 ball. Putting a line on the table you tell RD to snort it. She hesitates, then does and freezes for a second, you panic, you really don’t know if it’ll have the same effect on her and don’t want her to die or something. She smiles and jumps up and starts lfying all over the place, bouncing off the walls laughing. Crisis averted.

You laugh and light the first blunt and after showing them all the basics of smoking, pass it to your left, to Octavia. She takes way too much for her first time and starts coughing like crazy, grabbing onto you and crying while coughing, the others look at you disapprovingly and you look down at her and pat her on the back till she stops coughing, she sits for a while sniffling and you ask if she wants to take another hit. You brace yourself for screaming but she actually agrees. She takes this one like a champ and only coughs a little, not taking nearly as much smoke in. You smile at her and ask how she’s feeling, she says normal. You frown, and insist she take 2 more, she does; the last of which didn’t make her cough at all. You feel like a proud father as she stares at fluttershy for 10 seconds and falls over onto your lap, giggling and talking nonsense. She’s feeling it.  She sits up and laughs, before taking another hit, and passes it to pinkie pie. All the other ponies sitting around you tell you to light the other so they can get it faster and you smile and do so. These horses are going to love you…..not in that way….maybe.

20 minutes later they were all laughing and petting each other and themselves “I’m soooo soffttttt!” Pinkie exclaimed, petting her mane and giggling. You were extremely pleased with yourself, and made sure to hide your bag of happiness before joyfully passing out on the floor with all the stoned ponies. This could be a good life, if you didn't get in your way…