The Chronicles of a Furball

The Chronicles of a Furball

Chapter 6: Malusdomesticaphobia

Malusdomesticaphobia /n/ The scientific term that describes the phobia condition in which one fears apples. See: Malusdomesticaphilla

     And so we walked.

     Keria, Mel, and I walked down the dusty and worn dirt road to Ponyville, we were mere miles away from the fabled town now. The rolling fields of flowers and knee-high grasses gave way to a long, winding carriage path, beaten flat by decades of use. We were actually moving away from Canterlot now, we traveld too far northeast of the town, since we were aiming for the city on the mountain we overshot Ponyville by miles.

     Not an hour ago was the griffin that we traveled with seriously was considering stealing me away, gobbling me up, and using my bones for toothpicks. Now she walks at our side, offering friendly conversation and somewhat pleasant company.

     Funny how life works, isn't it?

     As you would guess, Mel didn't take his eyes off of the griffin girl. That guy has some serious trust issues, but not without reason. I understood his extreme suspicion, but I didn't condone it.

     I rode on Mel's back, as per the usual, he took pains to always be walking behind Keria and watch her every move, like a shepard watches a wolf. I took pains not to make  "Staring at her ass" joke... Yet.

     Keria was either ignorant of his behavior, or she didn't give a shit. She lead the way, walking us to Ponyville and not paying any attention to Mel or I. That is, until she slowed her pace to walk beside us (Much to Mel's disdain).

     "Hey uh, Melvin...Can I ask you a quesion?" She asked.

     He barely restrained himself from casting a glare her way, barely "What?" He asked in a disinterested tone.

     Keria snickered "Why are you a -what do they call it? Why are you a "blank-flank?"

I already gave Mel a brief rundown of basic pony culture, so he wasn't totally clueless.

     Mel shrugged noncommittaly (Weird how ponies can shrug with shoulders that have to support their weight) "Dunno. Haven't found my calling," he said distantly "I honestly don't give a good god damn. What do you care, anyway?"

     "Isn't a ponies special talent like...their whole life? Sounds like something you'd want to care about. They're supposed to get one in like the third grade. And you clearly aren't special needs so... what's the deal?" Well shit, I should've known this whole "I'm really a freakin' human from another world" thing would come up.

     Mel and I shared a look, and we said "Uhhhmmm..." in stero, guilty looks upon our faces.

     "He, uhhmmm uhh..." I explained.

     "Yeah, I ummm..." Mel agreed

     Keria stopped walking and turned to look at us suspiciously "What aren't you telling me?" Dammit, I hate it when we run into intelligent people sometimes. Why can't everyone be easy to fool?

     Mel looked at me "Tell her?"

     I nodded, and turned to Keria "We aren't exactly from this ah... country."

     She motioned for me to continue, growing even more leery "Go on."

     "Weeee, uh-" I hate having to make up lies on the spot "-come from beyond the sea, yeah. And Mel wasn't originally a pony, per se. He was well...he was like me, with the opposable thumbs and the walking on two legs and whatnot."

     Keria cooly gave us an even stare. She could see right through me with her freaky eagle eyes, this was not going well "He looks like a pony in every damn way now. So why is that, hmm?"

     I opened my mouth to feed her another lie, but was cut off by Melvin "Long story short," Mel said in a deadpan tone "We were royally screwed yesterday by in immortal being who thought it would be funny to drop us in a country that we know little to nothing about, put me in a vastly different body, give the less intelligent of us two-" he jerked his head in my direction "-a super powered peice of technology that he has no idea of how to use, and leave us with only a vague sense of what she wants us to do. Oh, and did I mention it was all against our will?" Wow, I'm impressed, he said that in one breath.

     Keria's reaction was just what I expected; she stared at us blankly, not blinking, mouth agape. "What...?"

     This was an opportunity that Sylus Mercury would not miss. I casually hopped off Mel's back, walked up to her, and cupped my hands around my mouth "HE SAAA-AAA-AAAID: LONG STORY SHORT: WE WER-"

     "I know what he said!" Keria snapped, making me jump back in surprise "I just think it's a fuckin' weird story! Geez, I thought MY life was screwed up."

     Mel cocked a yellow eyebrow at her "Wait, so you belive us?"

     "Well yeah," she answered in a matter-of-fact tone "An idiot could've figured that out. First off: You two are fuckin' terrible liars. You stammered and Umm'd when I asked about the ass-tatoo because you haven't had time to hammer out a good lie. You told that story without missing a beat, and it takes time to make up a story like THAT. Plus, people that lie about their pasts tend to go with the most inconspicuous story. In dumbass terms, truth is always stranger than fiction." She finished her explanation looking quite smug and smartass-ey.

     I crossed my arms and huffed defeatedly "I hate smart people." I really did hate smart people. You can probably already tell that I'm not the brightest light in the room. Mel's the brain of our little dynamic duo and I'm the personality.

     "Well the ottsel's out of the bag." Mel said dryly.

     Keria walked up close to the both of us. standing at her full height she was probably a whole head taller than Mel. We were forced to look upward to meet her jade-green gaze.

     Keria sighed "If you don't wanna tell me then I won't blame you," She unconsciously rubbed her copper pendant with a claw "I got my secrets and you got yours. No need to start going through each other's baggage."

     "Especially with a bit- Oof!" I stopped Mel from saying something foul by way of an elbow to the gut. I swear, if he gets into a fist-fight (Hoof-fight?) with the five-hundred pound griffin I am NOT helping him.

     Mel shot a glare my way, but did not say anything. I pretended not to see it, and hauled myself back on top of Mel. Without another word, we turned around and continued on down the road.

XVXVXVX

     Sweet Apple Acres.

     We made it. After a day-and-a-half of nothing but walk walk walk, our fist stop was reached. Ponyville.  My geeky fanboy side leapt for joy the moment when we reached the apex of that hill to see the very edge of the Apple Family's pride and joy.

     The orchard looked just like it did on the show, if not much more detailed.  The hundreds of apple trees stood tall and proud, every branch loaded to the brim with delicious red fruit. I could just barely see the weather vane on top of the Apple Family barn amidst all the trees.

     I searched the apple forests, hoping to maybe catch a glimpse of a certain orange, cowboy hat-wearing farmer bucking away at the trees. To my disappointment, I couldn't see a single pony anywhere. I guessed that they were on break.

     Nopony around to see us...perfect. The first thing that I did was make a beeline for the nearest fruit-bearing tree. I scrambled my way up the trunk with speed like a squirrel being chased by a dog. I grabbed the first apple in sight and took a massive bite out of it.

     By god...it was absolutely perfect.  Let me explain to you how awesome that apple tasted by proposing a science experiment: Go out and buy the biggest, ripest apple you can find and eat it. Then try not to cry, because that supermarket apple cannot possibly compare to an Apple Family apple. This glorious peice of fruit was not contaminated by any pesticides or pollution, it was one hundred percent natural...and the flavor was like nothing else.

    I know I was technically stealing from AJ and the family, but give me a break! I haven't had a bite to eat in over twenty-four damn hours, I was hungrier than I had ever been in as long as I could remember. And this apple was really, really good.

     Mel heartily shared my enthusiasm for food at that moment, he stood at the base of my tree and yelled up at me "Hey Si, throw me one of them will ya?"

     "Surph fing!" I said with a mouthful of apple and tossed him down two if those red beauties.

     He caught the first in his mouth, not bothering to take a bite. He chewed the thing whole, core and all. I couldn't tell for sure, but I thought he made a garbled "Om nom nom" sound as he chewed. After struggling to swallow the whole thing, he was finnaly able to breathe again. "That," he said, gesturing to the other apple "was the best damn thing that I had ever tasted in my life."

     Keria casually walked to his side, looking at him with a mixture of humor and condescension "Y'know you coulda just flew up and grabbed one."

     "Not reall a pony, remember?" Mel said, then he took the other apple and bit a huge chunk out of it "Mmmm...apples." he did his best impression of Homer Simpson,  which was right on the money.

     I grabbed another for myself, these thing were HE-YOOGE. Well, they were the size of a normal apple it's just that I was small. Ergo, everthing else was bigger than me. The apple was probably the size of a cantaloupe from my point of view.

     I polished that one off and tossed Mel a few more, he thanked me through more mouthfulls of fruit. Even Keria had one, though I bet apples weren't exactly a staple of the griffin diet.

     I exhausted the apples on the first branch and had to reach a little higher to pick another, that's when I spotted...him.

     Here's a riddle for you: What's big, red, has a tatoo of an apple on his flank, wears a yoke around his neck, and is looking extremely pissed? If you guessed Chuck Testa, you'd be wrong. Nope, it was Big Macintosh, standing between a pair of trees with a pitchfork in his mouth, glaring daggers at us.

     "G-guys... we got company!" I stammered, everyone turned to see Big Mac and froze as their eyes met angry visage. Looks like we've ben caught *Sunglasses* RED HANDED.

     I will regret making that joke.

     "Uh..." Mel said nervously, bits of apple falling out of his stuffed face "Hi?"

     The red farmer dropped the pitchfork from his mouth "Howdy," Big Mac replied threateningly in his deep baritone voice.

     "This is your land, isn't it?" Mel asked.

     "Eyup." Mac said stoically.

     "These are your apples, aren't they?"

     "Eyup."

     "And we're in trouble, aren't we?"

     His face hardened "Eyup. "

     "Fuck."

     "Seeyouguyslaterbye!" And just like that, Keria abandoned us. We turned around to look and she was already in the air, half way to the safety of the clouds.

     "CHICKENSHIT!" Mel screamed insults at Keria she flew away.

     Big Mac paid Mel and her only a glance, his fiery gaze was planted firmly on me, the poor, dumb, schmuck with the half-eaten apple in his hand. I dropped the apple and skittered down the tree, taking my place, hiding behind  Mel.

     "We don't take kindly to somepony stealin' from are trees," he drawled in his deep southern accent "Y'all better pay fer those...or else." He trotted over to is, reminding me just how damn big Big Mac was. He was at least a foot and a quarter taller than Mel.

"We uh," I said weakly, peeking my head around my friend's leg "we don't have any money...."

     This only made Mac glare harder at me, I could have sworn that I head a growling coming from deep within his throat.

     "Let me handle this," I whispered into Mel's ear, he nodded and said nothing. I revealed my self fully and took a few steps closer to the pissed-off pony.

     So you've been caught stealing fruit from an angry farmer pony who could potentially use his hooves to turn you into a pile of sticky orange jelly, what do you do?

     Easy, you grovel like hell.

     I put my hands in front of me in the universal gesture of Please, oh please don't kill me! "Ohmygod I'm soo sorry!" I groveled "Please, we don't any money or anything to pay you with, we don't have a single bit to our names! Were travelers who haven't had a bite to eat in two days, you gotta understand!" Woosh, there goes my pride "If you have a way for us to repay you, we'll do it!"

     "Wait, we will?" I ignored Mel.

     Mac's gaze shifted away from my eyes to some place lower. I followed it to find that he was staring at the Brace of the Precursors. I instinctively hid it behing my back, away from the farmer's prying eyes.

     "That shiny peice'a jewel'ry will do fine," he said with a trace of...desire(?) in his voice.

     "Uh Captain, " came the voice of Giles from behind me "It would not be wise to trade me like a cheap peice of scrap metal, I'm worth more than the entire Equestrian treasury!"

     "Shuddup, G!" I hissed through my teeth.

     "Th' entire 'Questrian treasury..." Big Mac repeated Giles' words "Ah suppose an enchanted bracelet is a little more than a few apples."

     "That's what I just said!" Giles exclaimed offensively.

     "Don't antagonize him!" I hissed.

     Mesmerized by the bracelet,  most of Big Mac's rage faded away. So instead of being completely livid, he was looking a little more on the irritated side. "Ah suppose that y'all can work it off..."

     "Deal!" I said instantly. What? Farm work is better than getting my teeth kicked in by one If my favorite side characters! And besides, Big Macintosh scares the bejesus out of me.

     "Wait," Mel said suspiciously "What kind of work?"

     The remaining anger in Mac's face was gone, instead his face wore a wry smirk "Lemme show y'all..."

XVXVXVX

     "This fucking sucks!" Mel whined loudly.

     "S' just a few more rows!" Big Mac hollered from beyond the fence "Y'all need ta quit bein' lil' fillies!"

     Here we stood, in the middle of a baren corn field just outside of the apple orchard.  This was a place of growth an harvest,  the soil we stood upon was a healthy brown, perfect for planting crops in. I checked the sun- it was only a few inches from the horizon,  so I figured we had about two and a half hours until nightfall. Big Mac was chilling just outside of the feild's wooden fenceline, chewing on a peice of straw and watching us work.

     Well, watching Mel work. He was harnessed into a thick iron and wood plough. Mac assigned him to this job, ploughing the field in preparation for planting corn seeds. It was possibility the most demanding and mundane job that I could ever think of. And Mel griped and groaned the entire way through.

     Me? I wasn't doin' nuddin! Lazy, I know, but you have to understand that this is a farm. Farmwork is hard work, and do you think my twenty pound body could pull a hundred and fifty pound plough?  Hell no! The truth is, there was nothing on the farm for me to do, so Mel just had to work hard enough for the both of us.

     "C'mon pansy!" I shouted at him "Keep on pulling, or else Big Mac is goin' to rip you a new one!" I decided that I wasn't being very productive by not working, so I'd just have to provide some "motivation" for Mel. I sat on the wodden part of the plough and flung the most annoying and petty insults that I could think of at him. I had no idea of it was helping him work harder or not but it was really fun.

     "Si, I will kill you. Okay? I will KILL YOU!" Mel growled I'm my general direction. He was sweating like a hog after pulling that chunk of farm equipment for the last four hours. He had done about 80% of the feild in that time, moving the plough inch by inch across the fertile dirt.

     "Hi ho Melvin,  and awaaa-aaa-aaay!"

     Mel grunted with the effort of pulling the plough, moving us a few inches "*Nnng* SHUT UP!"

     "You mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries!"

     Big Mac cringed momentarily "Ouch," he chuckled, regardless "Funny though."

     "That's the fourth time you *Nnng* quoted Mony Python!"

     "Bitch, please. I have a million more coming!"

     "Furball!"

     "Izzat the best you got?"

     "I *Nnng* am a little busy at the moment!"

     We continued swapping derogatory words for god knows how long. It quickly turned into a game for us, number one would sling a colorful insult at number two and number two would try and one-up that with something more outrageous. It went on and on until it was minutes between turns, by sunset we were working in comfortable scilence. Mel had plowed the entire field,  from end to end. The moment he finished, he unhooked the plough and plonked himself down in the dirt, drawing deep, ragged breaths.

     " I *gasp* did it!" Mel said tiredly. He laughed "Heh heh *cough* That's funny..."

     I hopped off the farm equipment and sat cross-legged across from Mel "Whats is?"

     "I always thought that the worst *gasp* job in the world was sitting at that desk. Heh heh *gasp* I was wrong."

     I laughed too "Yeah, but you know what?"

     "What?"

     "I bet those apples were worth it!"

     "Hah, they were!"

     Then we laughed together, long and hard. We laughed until our sides hurt, which came quicker to Mel than to I. It just felt good. It felt good to see Mel as his old self and to joke and laugh with him again. Ever since we came here he's been nothing but mean and irritable. You may not know, but it worried the hell out of me to see him like this. Those worries seemed farther away at that moment, maybe he just needed a little more time to adjust to the chaos.

     We sat in scilence,  just taking in the view. This was my second Equestrian sunset, and boy does the view only get better. The blue sky faded to red and the shadows of the tall apple trees were cast all across the field. I haven't felt peace and calm like this since that trip to Ohio, I truly was in the promised land.

     "Maybe this isn't so bad after all," Mel broke the quiet "I could get used to a place like this."

     I drew out my pack of cigarettes and lit up. After taking a slow drag I said "You're preaching to the choir, man," I idly blew a small smoke ring toward the sunset "Just wait til we get to Canterlot, I know you're gonna like it there."

     "Scuze me?" A girly voice with a distinct southern twang sounded from behind us. We turned aroud to the a little yellow filly with a big red bow in her hair. Applebloom. She was carrying a metal tray with a large glass of icewater on her back. (How do ponies do that? The same way they hold things with their hooves,  I guess.)

     "How's it hangin'?" I greeted her with a two-fingered salute.

     "Mah brother sent me out here ta give ya a drink'a water." She said, presenting the tray to Mel. He gladly took it and chugged it like it was the last glass of cold water in a thousand miles. "Ahhhh..." he said. After he was finished, he sucked up an ice cube and swished it around in his mouth like a hard candy.

     "Thanks," he said gratefully "I really needed that. I appreciate your coming out here miss...?"

     "Applebloom," she answered.

     "Hold the phone," Mel said "Big Macintosh,  Applejack, and now Apple Bloom? I'm starting to detect a pattern."

     "No kidding," I said sarcastically "I didn't notice."

     "Big Mac says ya did mighty fine work out here. He wants me to tell ya that y'all can stay the night and have breakfast with us in the mornin' iffin that's what'cha want."

     I smiled warmly at the little foal "Warm beds? Free food? Big Mac not wanting to buck us like an apple tree? How could we possibly say no?"

     "What Fuzzy said," my friend agreed, popping another ice cube in his mouth.

     "Great!" she replied "I'll show ya to the house and get'cha comfortable. Follow me!"

     She trotted off toward the fence gate at a brisk pace, one that would probably wear the overworked Mel out. "Wait up!" He shouted after her.

XVXVXVX

     Applebloom was true to her word and she led us into the Apple Family homestead. The place wasn't as big as I always imagined it to be, it was just a five-beedroom two-floor house with a kitchen, dinning room, and a living room. How they fit the entire Apple Family in there, I'll never know.

     Big Macintosh stopped us on our way in with a pleased smile, any traces of the events earlier today had gone from him. All that mattered to the farmer was what we had been doing for the past six and a half hours. Here was a stallion that really belived in redemption.

     He said that Mel had done enought work to pay off the apples we stole and then some. He handed us a pouch with a total of twenty bits, and gave us and offer to stop by and have a glass of cider with him anytime. Mac mentioned that he really appreciated our help because he had been swamped with work for the upcoming Summer Sun Celebration.

     "Say, when is the Festival anyway?" I asked him.

     "'Bout seven days tomm'ara," he answered "Why d'ya ask?"

     "I uh, just like more than all the other holidays," Wow, Keria was right, I am a bad liar.

     "Eyup, I got real giddy when ah heard it was Ponyville's turn this year," I had a very hard time picturing Big Mac getting giddy. Then again,  he can't be all chillaxed all the time can he?

     Mel was about to say something,  but words were swallowed up in an epic yawn "I don't mean to be rude," he said, stifling another yawn "but where is this bed you spoke of?"

     "Right this way," Mac said smiling.  He led us up the creaky wodden staircase and to a sparsely furnished guest bedroom. Mel wasted no time in finding the bed and throwing himself on it, he muttered his goodnight and was out like a light.

     "I figger y'all don't need a full size bed," Mac said quietly, as not to disturb the sleeping Mel "so ah just fixed a couple blankets 'n a pillow in that basket over there."

     "That's just what I needed," I whispered back "thanks for everthing,  Mac. See you in the morning."

     Big Mac inclined his head "No problem, pardner, and left the room. I quickly got myself situated in the basket. Oh my god, this pillow was made of real goosefeather. So soft. Is literally everthing better in Equestria? I'll have to test that theory...tomorrow. Right now is a time for sleeping.

     I closed my eyes and let the warm cocoon of sleep overtake me...