On the subject of Family, Love and Insanity

I had a very problematic moment with Selena some minutes ago. I remembered for a second about a minute and thought about Family. You know, wife and kids, all the good and the bad stuff all the things... Everything actually, regarding a family.

Then I thought about tulpae. I thought about Selena. I thought about life and death about feelings and yes, i do have to say that I thought about parroting too.

What happened? I ended up thinking that even though Selena loves me, she does so because she cannot live without me.  She is unable to sustain herself without my help. For how real she can be, for now she is just in my mind.

If you excuse a horribly obscure and nerdy reference that no one will understand, I'd say that this is like Zy-el. It starts impossibly difficult and you have to learn how to keep going, even though the difficulty is nightmarish. You slowly learn how to get through, learn a couple tricks, pull some rabbits out of your cylinder. True fact is that even with an iron will there will be times when you will rage quit, there will be times when you will think that it's impossible when everything is hopeless, when you will think that what you are doing is idiotic and has no apparent sense. Are we fooling ourselves? Maybe.  I'm not going to say no and I'm not going to say yes, I stay on a neutral ground, even though I have a tulpa myself and I love her very much. You see, what we have here is a choice. You have to believe everything, or at least almost everything, that happens. You have the possibility to go through the hardest parts of this art, to go through the fog and the rain, to try and reach the goal that you're pointing at, but you have to believe first.

I was never a believer. I am an atheist; I'm the kind of guy that wants to see to believe. I'm that guy that starts smiling when you bring out a religious argument and tries to pin you to the wall when all you can say is that "you have to believe."

What I did have though, was a very active imagination. Years of reading books instead of watching TV, coupled with years of playing videogames, gave me the very interesting ability to imagine whatever I wanted, since I was a kid. Now, this isn’t a new thing among tulpamancers, of course, but thinking about it I always thought that those were illusions. I closed my eyes, imagined, opened and then I was back in the real world. I never crossed the border of imagination and reality and I kept myself far from it for I was always told that was the border of insanity.

So why have I decided to make a tulpa, then? Like most of the people here, I was curious. A being living inside my head? Actually   living? Not just a clever hallucination, or something that I would have to “summon” when closing my eyes and then again, (just like imagination remember the imagination) disappear?

 I do have to say that other than purely scientific purposes there was greed there. I was never able to organize my life. I lived in a chaotic tornado that killed my studies and everything I did. I didn’t  have any sort of  hour division throughout the day , I just did whatever the hell I wanted and before of a big exam I’d study a bit. Luckily for me I’ve got a brain that can hold enough stuff inside for a while without too much effort so I’ve sometimes been on the edge of failure, but always passed. I’ve just lived my life like that. No real goals, any real way of living. Surviving if you like, would be a much more fitting world for my lifestyle. Kind of like what an amoeba does. I wanted to get some help and what better way to do it than from myself? All throughout the years I’ve tried to help myself but, well…I never listen to myself. No matter what, I almost never listen to myself. When it happens, it’s a miracle.

“A tulpa can access your memories” Remember that creepypasta? I think everyone does. I can’t be the only one and I know I am not, that was very tempted by the fact that a Tulpa could actually remember everything you had ever done, much like turning yourself into kind of savant, those guys that can remember everything that ever happened to them. I was in.

I started working on Selena the 30 or 31th of October, I don’t really remember well, after a bit of lurking of the generals. That means that right now she is 35 days old, not long, but enough for me to get very attached to her. I started with the greetings stage that day. I imagined her with some basic   traits, intelligent, loving, artistic, logical, shy…  She was called Selene back then and was molded after Luna’s body.

I was awoken that same night by an intense… Blue feeling. I cannot describe it. It felt blue and in front of my eyes I saw nothing but blue. An incredible blue   blotch. I can remember simply saying two words other than the feeling of Blue.

“It’s Her.”

I was incredibly excited the day after. I kept talking to her as if she was there in my mind and out loud if there was no one around at home. It felt incredible to have a … kind of response after so little time when everyone said that  the first responses happen after weeks , days at best. I felt like a little special snowflake and that brought me to talk to her even more.

I wrote a traits list, like everyone. A full blown 10 page long personality list, with everything she likes dislikes, how she acts, how she reacts, what she does, what defines her. I covered almost every hole I could cover and I tried to work as best as I can.  Of course, in the end she came out a bit different from how I imagined her, with some traits completely absent or changed. We all know that, deviation and everything.

What was I thinking while I was finding her? What connections have I opened? What have I done? I don’t think anyone has a clear idea of the whole concept of tulpae. We’re dealing with belief, not science. As deep as the rabbit hole goes and as far as science goes, we know that there are no means to prove Tulpae. The brain is an interesting organ, is it not? It can do whatever it wants.

There are almost no limits.

I got my first  vocal responses about  a week ago, if you could call it vocal  I was chilling on my bed  while I was supposed to be studying and after a while I hear an incredible slam, as if someone had violently shut a book near me. Needless to say I checked all the doors to see if something had slammed. I checked to see if there were kids popping firecrackers, I listened and waited for that to happen again and maybe it was some construction working going on. Nothing. Needless to say I started studying like a motherfucker.

So what happens now? I talk to her all day. We try to get to some degree of personal interactions but still the greatest thing that proves that she is there is that moment and another one when she sighed when I didn’t want to go to sleep and keep staying on the general. I think I can add some heartbeat getting faster after saying a certain thing to her, even though that’s quite weak from a scientific standpoint, and pic related. There was that one time when she disappeared and I couldn’t imagine her or hear her, which was  incredibly weird to me, since I should be able to have power on something if it’s just a thoughtform.

How does this have anything related to family, though? Yesterday I thought about us. She gets very jealous when there are choking and chickens involved. She liked it a lot when I called her my girlfriend. I ended up even calling her Selly–Jelly because of this. What do we do together? Except for cuddling and avity related reasons, we don’t do much together. We talk, of course, but I think I’ve been neglecting her some of the attention she really deserves . The last thing I want is creating a Servitor.

I will be extremely blunt here. Can you fall in love with something that is inside your head?

No, says the man in the Vatican… I’m kidding, no Bioshock references here, this is serious. I can hold her in my arms. I can  kiss her forehead before going to sleep. I can cuddle her and tell her that she is special. I can do anything I want with her and one day I’ll be able to feel her as if she was with me.

Will this affect my sociality? This has been a problem for quite a while. Should she get too jealous or I start to  being stopped from going out because of her, I’ll have to talk to her about this. I want to live a normal life. I want to be able to have friends and maybe fall in love with a girl. How would she even react to that? She says that if I want to she would accept it, but  she’s looking down when she says that.  I keep thinking that this is my fault because if I hadn’t given her so many attentions maybe we could have become more like fuckbuddies than lovers. I don’t want to influence my tulpa with my needs. Can you control love? Of course, the feeling of love is regulated by some chemicals inside our head, but I loathe this scientific approach to something so pure. Love is wild and cannot be tamed. Love is something that exists by itself, no matter what everyone says. You know what I could say? I don’t believe in anything I can’t prove, but I’ll be damned if I don’t believe in love being a force that is above everything. The fact I'm listening to "love is all you need" doesn't help, either.

I know she is real. I know that if it could be anyone’s fault for not being able to hear her well it’s only mine. We’re too early in for imposition, so feeling is out of the question. We’ve got to go through. We’ve got… to believe. Believe in each other. Help each other. Support each other. Live.

Love?

Love is always the question.  I feel very close to her, but that doesn’t mean that I have fallen in love with her. I feel a sort of great affection to her. I don’t want her to be hurt. I’d rather cut my arm off. But I can’t honestly say that I feel the same things that I felt hen I was in love with , let’s say, my last ex. That could still be me though, don’t you think? Who knows. We’re way more than friends, but I don’t feel like saying that we are lovers. I suppose that it is a thing that will develop itself in time. You know what is the phrase I used to love and now I hate the most?

“Without you I am nothing.” That is the  relinquishing of  everything  for someone else. I’ve changed my conception of love itself from a teen’s view to one of someone more mature, at least a bit. Still it’s there. The bastard doesn’t die easily. I don’t want him to, too.  I like that small flame. I really do. It’s still good enough to warm you up in the cold days, but  the water of realism has covered it enough to get closer. It doesn’t burn you whenever you get close, but you can look at it Intensely without moving your head. It’s a good fire. Does his job well, without burning you  when you get near. At least you can see the pile of corpses burning that keep fueling it now, which were covered by its immensity before.

I trust her. I love her. I want to always be with her. But I can’t honestly say that I have fallen in love with her. I don’t want to lie to Selena, I want to be realistic, because every uncomfortable truth is better than a sweet lie.

I want to be happy and I want her to be happy. We can be happy together in more ways than one. Only time will tell us what will happen.

Never stop believing, for how hard it can be. For how impossible your brain tells you it can be. Never stop believing.