Of Ponies and Muffins

Chapter 21: Crossing The Rubicon (and Rarity)

        Cameron stood agape at what had arrived at their doorstep outside Alex and himself’s house. He had just walked out of the house when he saw Celestia’s present to him for helping with the whole body swap incident. “What I want to know... Is where the hell she found someone to make this.” He stared up at the massive statue of Celestia, made out of some kind of stone material. He heard the door opening up behind him.

        “Hey, i’m going to be... Why is there a giant statue of Celestia in front of the house?”

         Cameron turned towards his rather confused friend. “Remember when I kicked your flank when you went insane with power? That’s what this if for.”

        Alex continued to stare at the statue. “So, she gave you a statue... For beating the crap out of her? Or would technically have been me?”

        “Honestly, at this point I don’t even care. So here’s the next question for today, what do we do with it? We could just leave it here but that would kinda be a problem.”

        Alex paced back and forth for a few moments and then looked up at the statue. “Or we could just leave it in the center of town and make you feel like a badass for all eternity.” He walked around to the other side of the statue. “You did notice the inscription on the other side, right?”

        Cameron walked around to where Alex was standing and began to read the description on the side. “In dedication to Shadow Feather. The only pony who had the guts to slap me when ‘I’ went mad and nearly devoured the entire town’s supply of chocolate.” Camerons brow furrowed. “She’s taking the blame for what you did when you body swapped? I can kinda see her doing that but I’m surprised that she never carted you off to the dungeons.”

        Alex shrugged. “It would be kind of hard to prove that I was the one who did those things. Besides, we should probably move this.” His horn glowed with his red magic and then there was a flash of light, leaving Cameron by himself and nothing to do.

        He tried to recall what he was planning on doing that day, and his memories eluded him. “Damn it all, I know I was going to do something today but what the hell was it.” He decided to walk, thinking he might remember what it was. “Go to the library? No, did that yesterday.” He continued to walk when he remembered. Out of all the hellish things I could have remembered to do today, why did it have to be that?

“Hey, what are you going to have to do today?” Asked Brian.

Why are you even asking? You are trapped inside my brain, literally where I remember things and formulate thoughts. Shouldn’t you be able to answer these questions by yourself?

“I could, but It would just cause you problems. I live in the emotional part of your brain and take up pretty much all the space there, and at the same time make it unstable. That’s why you are crying yourself to sleep most nights.”

Really? Anyways I have to go to Rarity’s today. I need a hat made and I kind of figure that would be the best place to go. Despite the kind of creepy relationship we have. Honestly, from what Alex told me about her little shrine I’m surprised that I haven't been kidnapped yet and turned into some kind of toy for her. Also, I realized something last night.

“And that would be?”

That given the massive offset of the gender ratio here in Equestria, female on male rape is a thing that you would actually hear about. Or at the least it would be more common. Wait, why am I worried about this? I’m sure that nothing could go wrong if i’m just getting a hat. Cameron felt a shiver down his spine. Oh Luna, why did I have to say that?

        Cameron began to walk towards the boutique, ready for whatever was going to be thrown his way in the coming times. I gently opened up the door and called out. “Hello? Rarity? I want to put in an order for something. Are you around?”

        He heard the hoofsteps coming down from the floor above. Rarity came down, levitating a few odd things with her. “Why hello there Shadow. What do you need?” She gave him a small, somewhat seductive smile.

        Suddenly fear gripped Cameron like a monkey holding the very last banana in existence. “Uh, yeah. I was wondering if you could make me a hat? Just something I can wear while I fly so that I don’t get the sun in my eyes.”

        “Of course! Normally I would just ask for payment in bits, but because i’m being asked by you~” She walked around Cameron for a moment or two. “I’m willing to give it to you free, on one condition.”

        Brian sent up something of a mental alarm bell. “Bro. Run.”

        Cameron gulped. “A- And that would be?” Don’t ask for my soul. Don’t ask for my soul. Don’t ask for my-

“A date tonight.”

Oh thank Celestia I thought that she... “Can I please just pay in bits? Just, please? I mean, dates really aren’t my thing.”

        Alex seemed to appear out of nowhere. “Yeah, they’re more of my thing in our little friendship. Normally he just somehow gets roped into these things and then it usually end in flames.”

        “Crimson, your input is not wanted here. Go count the pearls and gems.” Alex sighed and began to walk away. “But may I ask if you have another reason?”

Oh crap. I have to give a reason. Think, damn it. You have screwed up so many of these it can’t be that hard to do it on purpose. Cameron cleared his throat. “Well, you see Miss Rarity, I have a terrible track record with dates, so I wouldn’t want to chance screwing up. Also, Unicorns really aren’t my type.” He paused for a moment, then Brian forced his way into using Cameron’s mouth to make the words that would doom him to a terrible fate. “And I really don’t think that you are all that attractive.”

        Rarity just stared at Cameron for what felt like an eternity. Brian. You. Are. An. ASSHOLE!

“Hey, I saved you from pulling your punch. You keep doing it and Rarity just keeps on bugging you. Think of it this way, if you essentially tell her to screw off, she should leave you alone.” Brian explained.

        Alex poked his head out from around the corner wide eyed and a look of fear taking him over. Rarity’s eye twitched. “Thats... Fine... Would you like anything emblazoned on the hat? Maybe something that personifies you, like a dagger stabbing a heart several times?”

I don’t know why... But suddenly I feel like I should run for my life. “No... Just something plain will be fine.” Cameron turned around and walked out of the store. I have seen hell in that demons eye’s. And it is filled with ponies.

“We should probably get going before she decides to brutally murder you.”

Agreed. As he walked away he swore he could hear shouting and several objects being thrown around the boutique. He continues onwards, planning to get something to eat at Sugarcube Corner. I feel like I haven't eaten in days. Seriously, switching from a omnivore pallet to a herbivore pallet is like torture. I wonder how vegans can even survive.

 “That’s a mystery. Like where the left socks go in a washing machine or if you will ever amount to anything other than being a pegasus.”

        They continued on their walk, but eventually Cameron decided it would be a bit faster to fly rather than just walk, seeing as how there were a lot more ponies on the ground this time of day heading off to do whatever. He started flying towards the store and after a little while could see it in sight. Sweet! No line outside today! Is the all knowing deity finally going to stop trolling me? He suddenly felt his hair standing on edge and looked up to see a group of pegasi dancing on a storm cloud. Why did I even bother asking?

        A bolt of lightning leapt from the cloud and hit him square in the body. Were he still a human he would probably be dead, however pegasi bodies are surprisingly resistant to electricity. He began to feel himself falling from a decent height, praying he landed on something soft since he had lost control after the shock. He glanced up and saw that he was falling straight for Sugarcube corner.

“Well, I can’t feel pain and even I know this is going to HURT.” Said Brian, asympathetic to Cameron’s current situation.

Why can you never be helpful?

“Because I don’t want to? Oh hey look, Pinkie Pie!”

Wait, what- His thoughts were cut short as he felt himself impact something rather squishy. Thankfully whatever it was cushioned his fall and he proceeded to stand up again. He looked at where he was, and saw a pile of pink mush. “Oh Celestia no, I just killed Pinkie Pie.” He fell on his knees and began to sob. “She was so young and full of sugar! Why did it have to end this way!?”

        A voice came from behind Cameron. “Um, Shadow i’m-”

        “Silence! We must mourn the loss of Pinkie Pie! I’m a monster for causing such a travesty, why does this sort of thing always happen around me?” He was then spun around and smacked across the face by a rather unamused looking Pinkie Pie. “Oh... You’re alive?”

        Pinkie just stared at him and then pointed back to the pile of pink mush. He saw that there was a platter on top of it and that it was composed entirely of mushed cupcakes. Cameron just sat and stared at the pile for a moment and then face-hoofed. “Dude, you’re a moron.” Added Brian, who later realized that made him a moron as well.

        “So... You’re still alive and all I did was crash into a platter of cupcakes?” Pinkie Pie shook her head in agreeance. “I’m.... Sorry?”

        PInkie Pie just rolled her eyes. “Since that whole platter takes about an hour or so to make, i’m going to give you two choices. Option A: you have to help me remake the whole batch or option B: go get a cake that might have bad ingredients in it and could easily be seen as a bio hazard if ingested.”

        Scenes of failed cooking and baking attempts flashed before, failed top ramen attempts and burnt bananas clouded his vision. He snapped himself back to reality by stepping on his own hoof. “Seeing how I don’t want a lot of dead bodies on my hooves, i’ll take option B.”

        Pinkie stared at Cameron and gave him a glare. “Pinky promise?”

        Cameron decided to forgo asking her how she knew what a pinkie was, or if it was just a joke regarding her own name. “Fine, pinky promise.” As he uttered the last words he felt a shiver run up his spine. “Anyways, who has the cake? I just have to get it back, right?”

        “Yeah, oh and you are probably going to laugh when you hear who has the cake!”

        Cameron raised an eye, curious as to who was the current captor of the confection in which he had to obtain to make  correction. “And that would be.”

        “Celestia, apparently she needed a cake so she decided to put in a special order. And this is the last time I ask Ditzy to grab ingredients.”

        Cameron felt a blood vessel snap somewhere in his head. “I have to get a cake... From the ruler of all equestria... Who literally banishes bakers who do not meet her standards of cake? And to top it off I will likely have to steal it because of her ‘addiction’ to them... Pinkie you are a demon who seems to enjoy messing with my life, and that of Crimson.”

        Pinkie Pie just shrugged and put the platter on top of her head. “Good luck with Tia’s security system~” She paused and turned around to pass Cameron a pair of orange lensed goggles. “Here, you might as well take these.”

        Cameron put the goggles on his head. “Do they do anything special?”

        Pinkie just smiled. “No, why would you think there would be anything special. They just look cool.”

        Cameron sighed. “Fair enough. At least this will get me away from Rarity for a while. Man, she can be scary when she’s rejected.”

        Pinkie gained a look of concern. “Shadow... Which one of you two rejected her?”

        “That would be me. I was a idiot and said something I shouldn’t have. Things kind of went crazy from there, and I think she did too.”

        Pinkie said nothing to Cameron and just stared at him. “I hope for your sake you have insurance.”

“Insurance on what and why?”

        “Everything. You know why.”

        Cameron just began to walk away from the pink mare when she remained silent afterwards. He had a heist to pull and figured that whatever he had just roped himself into, that it would end well enough that he could keep his limbs intact. He decided to visit Twilight’s first for books on lockpicking (hey, if he’s going to do something it’s worth overdoing) and to ask her about the castle.

        He opened the door to the library. “Hey Twi, do you have any books on lockpicking? I need it for something I’m doing for Pinkie.” Twilight’s head burst out from a pile of books, startling Cameron. “Oh goddesses Twi, that almost scared the feathers off of me.”

“Sorry about that.” Twilight escaped from her tomb of tomes, brushing a little dust off her shoulders. “So, who are you doing something for?”

        “Pinkie Pie. I have to get something for her and there are going to be a lot of locked doors in between it and me.”

"Did you pinky promise her?”

“Yeah, how did you know? And what exactly does that imply?”

        Twilight just took a step back from Cameron. “Let’s just say that it would be VERY good for your health to keep that promise. Because if you break it, may Celestia have mercy on your soul.” She paused for a moment. “Wait, would Brian still be in your head during the afterlife or would he go his separate way?”

        “Honestly, I have no idea. Now where is that book?”

        “Crimson has it. He came in here like a week ago and asked for it. No idea why though. He doesn’t seem like the kind of guy to become a locksmith. I think he said something about working on the bedroom door around those lines.” She turned around and began searching the bookshelf behind her. “Ah here we go, I knew I had a spare...” She looked to where Cameron had been standing before and noticed he was gone. “Why do they always do that?”

        Cameron sat in front of the house, after checking to see if the door to his room had been tampered with as of late. He saw that a certain someone had been messing with the locks on it, and given the recent situation he was pretty sure he knew who it was. He finally saw Alex walking up the street towards the house. “Alex. I have a question for you. How long did it take you pick my lock with magic?”

Alex just looked away. “I have no idea what you’re talking about... Hey, why do you have a pair of goggles?”

        “Answer the question.”

        “The first time or the 37 times thereafter?”

        “Fastest time.”

        Alex used his magic to pull a notebook out of his saddlebags. “That would be... 13 seconds. Now will you answer my question, and you never said that I couldn’t take things out of your room, just not go in.”

        “Then how do you... Oh, right, telekinesis. I got the goggles from Pinkie, kind of leveled a tray of cupcakes so now I need to break into Canterlot castle and steal and or destroy a defective cake that was given to her. And you are going to help me.”

        “And why should I do that?”

        “Because I have the pictures from the party where you lost Brian’s top hat.”

        “Wait, Pinkie said she... Oh that son of a gryphon... I’m sorry, did I just say gryphon? What in the name of Celestia kind of censorship is that? I curse this realm’s strange properties with my very soul, let it forever known that I, Alex-”

        “Enough of that monologue, now teleport us to Canterlot. We have a castle to break into. Before we go through, what did you do with the statue?”

        Alex facehooved. “Crap... I knew I forgot something. Well, I hope where I left it isn’t a problem.”

        Cameron looked at him questioningly. “And where, pray tell, is that?”

        Alex looked down in shame. “Let’s just say that our home world may have a new attraction. Mainly because I’m too lazy to go and grab it again.”

Chapter 22: Alex and Cameron are forced into taking a train

        “Alright, so we have your lockpicking tools, high class suits from our Canterlot trip, these awesome goggles and a layout of Canterlot castle.” Cameron looked up from their provisions and sighed. “Yet I still feel like this is not going to end well for us.”

        Alex rolled his eyes. “Yeah, knowing us it’s probably going to all go up in smoke. Did you get the train tickets as well?”

        “Got them right here, why do we have to get these anyways? Can’t you just teleport us there?” He said, flashing the tickets for the train ride. “I mean, i’ve seen you teleport a really long distance and it’s not that hard, is it?”

        “Not really, it’s just that I would burn up a lot of my mana teleporting us both that far. I would get there and pretty much just be about as useful as a sack of potatoes that someone is using to fend off a monster.”

        “Not going to ask where that last part came from, but okay. I don’t think Celestia is just going to give us the O.K. to eliminate the cake, when you’ve been stuck by her side for a while you learn to never mess with her cake.” Cameron said, gathering the supplies into a saddle bag.

        “Loud and clear, but why do we need the map? You spent a lot of time there.”

        “I was more of a prisoner than a guest there. I’m just thankful I wasn’t in the eastern portion of the castle. Anyone that was there never came out sane.”

        “What’s in the eastern portion?”

        “Prince Blueblood’s room. And the kitchen. That part of the castle is a death sentence.”

        Alex and Cameron arrived at the trainstation some minutes later, right on time for the train. They produced the tickets and were allowed to board the train, and they would arrive in Canterlot in a couple of hours. They were lucky enough to have a private section (courtesy of all the taco money) and they looked over the map of the castle. After much deliberation they decided on a plan for what to do at the Castle, which was essentially head straight to wherever the cake was and use Alex’s magic to destroy it.

        They arrived at Canterlot station and got off, heading straight for the castle. They got about as far as the entrance gate but were stopped by a guard. “Sorry, but this gate is closed for maintenance right now. The only open way in is the kitchen door.”

Well, there goes plan A. Thought Cameron to himself. Wait... Oh Luna no, that means- “That’s the eastern entrance, isn’t it?” The guard nodded in response. “Well, this won’t be fun. Do you know where the cake that Celestia recently ordered is? There is a problem with it and we need to report it to her.”

        The guard remained silent, and looked around making sure no one else was around. “That would probably be the royal confection room. But good luck finding your cake in there.”

        “Why?”

        “It’s worse than a needle in a haystack in there. It’s more like a needle in a stack of needles that’s hidden in a hundred haystacks, locked inside a box made of needles and hay.” Cameron silently cursed and then thanked the guard, walking off to the other entrance. He unrolled the map and began to plot a new course.

        “So, now we have to go through the east side? Hey, can you check to see where Blueblood’s room is? I have something I need to do.”

        “What is it that you need to do so badly it brings us by that obnoxious prince’s room? Can’t it wait?”

        Alex just smiled. “Nope, let’s just say this is payback for the Gala. If he hadn’t insulted me I never would have had to go through that whole song with Luna.”

        Cameron stopped walking. “I’m sorry, didn’t you get a lot more popular after kicking Luna’s flank? Let alone in videogame form.” He began to resume walking and was deep in thought for another moment. “Actually, now that I think about it we both have a rep for beating the rulers of Equestria. You beat Luna and I technically beat Celestia when you were in her body. I still think it’s a bit strange that she never found a way to cover that up.”

        “Yeah, it is a bit weird. Anyway, we better hurry. I want to get in and out as quickly as possible. He began to move a bit quicker, a look of excitement and worry on his face.

        “Wait, Alex, can’t you just teleport us in?”

        Alex chuckled nervously. “You see, I would but apparently after me winding up here when we first went through the rift, they had a spell put up that would scatter me into a thousand tiny, yet sexy, pieces if I ever tried to directly teleport in here.” Cameron gave him  a quizzical look and Alex just shrugged  in response. “They have very strict policies as to stop repeat offenders. That and they don’t like it when Luna is woken up early.”

        They arrived at the kitchen entrance, which was, strangely, not guarded and there seemed to be no employees or even chefs around. They proceeded onwards until they arrived at a pair of giant double doors with Blueblood’s face painted on them. Alex just looked up at them and got a grin on his face. “Oh the thing’s I could do with this.” He used his magic and made a can of red spray paint appear.”

        Cameron looked at the can and then back to Alex. “Fine, do what you want as long as it’s not too bad. Catch up to me when you’re done.” Cameron continued onwards through the castle, which seemed oddly deserted of any guards or staff whatsoever. He arrived in front of a large door with a plaque on the wall labeled “Celestia’s Cake and Confection Depository.” He checked the door and wandered in, but quickly realized how screwed he was. It was literally a room about twice the size of his house filled to the brim with cake and other baked goods. He had a feeling that not even an army of obese children that had been starved for 24 hours could devour it all.

        “Alright then, now I just need to find Pinkie’s cake...” He thought about that for a moment and then started to get a maniacal laugh.

        “Oh god, I know that laugh. That’s your ‘i’m screwed right now and i’m about to go insane’ laugh. The last time you did that was when you got a surprise test in class.”

Brian, I have a question. Did Pinkie EVER tell us what the cake she made looked like? Brian remained silent. That’s what I thought. So now we either go all the way back to ponyville, then back here again, or we figure out which cake it is.

        Alex walked into the room shortly after. “Hey, back from tagging Blueblood’s room. I went into his room and did a mural of myself with the words ‘kiss my peasant flank’ then I drew a moustache on his door face. My work there is done.” He looked around the room. “That’s a lot of diabetes. Which one is Pinkie’s?”

        Cameron remained silent for a moment and then spoke. “I have no idea, we’re going to have to figure it out.”

        “Or,” said Alex, materializing a chainsaw from the air, “we destroy every last one of them and then get away from the insuring chaos.” He swung the chainsaw into a cake, cutting it in half. He continued on a rampage of destroying the cakes with his chainsaw and exploding others with magic. Cameron just stood there protecting himself from the spray of cake with his loaned goggles.

        After several moments the carnage finally ended, and Alex stood panting on a pile of destroyed cakes and their baked relatives. There were bits and pieces of souffles and pies splattered on the walls and ceiling, and what appeared to be what was left of a creme brulee was dribbling down from the ceiling. Cameron was covered in what he hoped was raspberry pie and not a stray guard that had been hiding in a cake.

“Well, I think I’ve created a masterpiece here Cam, what do you think?” Cameron just stared at him and wiped some cake off his goggles. He was about to answer with something witty when the door they had entered opened up.

        “Here we go, Princess. Now if you would kindly pick a cake for tonights...” He just looked at the room, Celestia standing over his shoulder. Alex just stood there, on top the mountain of cake (innards?) looking at Celestia. Cameron just remained silent and looked forward.

        “Celestia. If you give us about thirty seconds this can all be explained and we won’t havet to be publically executed for our crimes.” Said cameron. “We came here to get rid of a cake but then Alex got a bit out of control.”

        Celestia just looked at them, then her usually calm demeanor was shattered with a laugh of pure insanity and rage. She was fully aware what would happen if she tried to imprison Cameron again, and Alex was clearly the guilty one in this since he was standing on the cake. Celestia smiled. “Arrest them and then execute them for the destruction of the cake.”

        Alex and Cameron bolted from the room, attempting to outpace the guards and the immortal Alicorn who would sooner level the castle before she would let them escape.Cameron figured that for all he knew she had a pack of hellhounds meant for hunting down cake thieves, or in this instance vandals.

  During their run, Cameron spoke first. “This seems a bit extreme, don’t you think? I mean, throwing us in jail makes sense but public execution? I had no idea she took cake that seriously.”

        “Look, we just need to get outside then I can teleport us home. I was kind of lying to you earlier. I could teleport us both here but I was just too lazy and I wanted to try and close the money gap between us, i’m sorry.”

        Cameron gave him a quick glare and as they ran towards a door Cameron picked up his pace and used his momentum to smack down the door blocking alex and himself from escape. The door swung open and they had made their way outside of the castle. Alex charged up his magic and teleported them both back to Ponyville. “That,” panted Alex, “was awesome.”

        They started to walk back to their house when they noticed that there was smoke rising up from the direction they were heading. “Please don’t tell me...” Said Cameron, worried he knew exactly where that was coming from. They picked up their collective pace, already exhausted from their run from Canterlot castle.

        They arrived at the sight of a burning house, their house. With a smiling Rarity walking away from the house, the backdrop of the fire made her seem like some kind of demon that shouldn’t be messed with. She turned towards Alex and spoke. “You’re fired.” She continued on as if arson and firing employees was nothing more than her daily routine.

        Alex and Cameron sat and watched as their house burned down in front of them. “So,” started Cameron, “we have a pissed off princess who want’s to execute us for cake vandalism and no house. You just got fired and there’s not that much more we can do about our situation. Any ideas Al?” Alex just shook his head. They continued to sit and watch as the house slowly was reduced to less and less by the fire. After a while Twilight arrived.

        “What happened here?”

        “I rejected Rarity and she burnt down the house.”

        “I meant the cake all over you guys. You do that thing Pinkie Pie made you do?”

        “What? You mean break into Canterlot castle, destroy a defective cake, get carried away and destroy all of them then promptly get chased after by Celestia? If that’s what you mean then yes.” Twilight just looked at him, wondering if he was serious or not. “Okay, I have an idea what to do from here Alex. I think we’ve overstayed our welcome here.” He turned back to Twilight. “If you would be so kind as to help Alex here open a gate back to our world.

        “By the way, Shadow Feather and Crimson flame aren’t our names Twilight. My name is Cameron and the bag of minorly psychotic bricks here is Alex. When Celestia shows up here tell her that we’re sorry for the cake.”

        “Because i’m the only pony aside from you that actually spends time in the library reading? That and you owe me for not stopping this.” He pointed towards the still burning house. “Now just shut up and trust this.” Twilight was about to interject, but Cameron gave her a look that told her to just do it already. Despite her inclination not to she helped them, she used the backing of “for science” as an excuse for her mental state to relax a bit. The gate was open and Cameron and Alex stood in front of it.

        They heard a clamor behind them, only to see Celestia and a good contingent of guards standing there by her side. “Shadow Feather and Crimson Flame, you are under arrest for the worst of crimes in all of Equestria. You can either pay for the damage, a total of twenty thousand bits, or be jailed for life.”

        Cameron and Alex both looked at eachother then back to the group that had come to apprehend them. Alex took the lead on their final words in Equestria. “We pick our own option. Kiss our flanks, Celestia.” With that they promptly jumped through the portal, arriving back home. They looked at each other, smiled and high fived. They finally had gotten back home. In the span of two months they had broken the laws of science in half, pissed off a ruler, used magic and broke into a castle. They were satisfied with what they had done. There was just one problem.

        “Alex, you do realize we’re both not wearing pants, right?”