Coming To Terms With The Monster Within

“Another night spent alone in the royal library…” The depressive sigh following her absentminded comment echoed down the empty corridors of Canterlot castle, disturbing nopony. Everypony was asleep, leaving the nocturnal princess of the night virtually alone, the only exception would be the occasional bump in with one of her few night guards. They would always greet her with a polite bow or a curt nod and then continue on their lonely patrol shift. By now the princess had taken off the traditional royal regalia in an attempt to relax, ridding herself of the cumbersome metallic ornaments. They were more like objects of pointless, nullified vanity than anything else. The princess has no reason to doubt her abilities, but she needed to look powerful and regal for her country. At least that’s what she told herself.

Princess Luna breathed a deep, content sigh, filling her lungs with dusty, book-scented air as she arrived in the library. The door slammed loudly behind her with a magical push, stirring absolutely nopony in the castle. Of this Luna was certain. She used her magic to gather a large stack of books as she slowly walked past the many tome-laden shelves, making her way to the farthest end of the library where she sat down on a rather uncomfortable wooden chair. A cloud of dust shot forth from the ancient tome when she opened the cover, which hit the table with a resounding boom. Lune choked briefly before using her magic to disperse the bothersome dust and, as she had been doing for almost every night since she’d ‘returned’, proceeded to dig her nose into the century old volume’s brittle binding. After all, she did have one thousand years of reading to catch up on.

The azure aura of her magic gently pulled down at the top corner of the page, being careful not to rip the fragile paper. Her aqua rimmed eyes quickly scanned through the page and in a matter of seconds her horn lit up again. The page obeyed her influential glow, moving to the left side of the binding. The process repeated the process hundreds of times as she read through the volume with impressive speed that put her sister’s protégé, a rather bookish lavender-purple unicorn, to great shame. “One down... thirty-five thousand seven-hundred ninety-seven to go.” Luna recited upon closing the heavy cover of the ancient tome and moving it to the far side of the table.

Through the stained glass window above her depicting something the princess couldn’t quite discern, Luna could see her Moon high in the sky as it casted down a bright glow onto the cover of a book that hadn’t been opened in at least a couple centuries by the alicorn’s rough estimate. She smiled up at her pride and joy high in the sky, and then frowned as the pained memories returned once again. The princess of the night would’ve given anything and everything to change the past and her actions, but alas, even an alicorn of her magical abilities could not alter history. Luna knew that if she were to somehow be able to change the events of the past, she would have inadvertently created an alternate timeline – one that stringed off from the actual one she was born and lived in.

If she were to alter history, she would be destroying countless lives to her selfish benefit. If she hadn’t caved into Nightmare Moon, many ponies would’ve still been alive, and many ponies wouldn’t have been born nor died as a result. She would not be killing them, but rather un-creating, and she believed everything is entitled to the gift of life, no matter how miserable it is to struggle through sometimes. Had Luna not been changed into Nightmare Moon, her sister wouldn’t have learnt her lesson. Luna’s, or rather Nightmare Moon’s, stay on the Moon did not only affect her, but their sister greatly. Celestia was shoved to the brink of insanity without her sister, having attempted suicide three times and grown into a madly addicted alcoholic in a matter of a few short years.

Princess Celestia had largely ignored her sister, and taken virtually all of the duties of the diarchy on herself, not allowing her sister to be a princess nor asking her opinions on laws and the likes, causing Luna to grow bitter and depressive without a sister to, at the very least, speak with. This was not entirely Celestia’s fault, as her schedule was rather hectic, or so she had said many, many times when asked by her sister to do something together. Luna knew she had simply been busy, and, like a good sister, listened to Celestia’s advice and made some new friends – literally. Princess Luna stayed in the darkness of her room for all sixteen hours of her sister’s day, experimenting with various means of creating imaginary friends. The princess of the night eventually discovering an ancient process made and perfected by the Tibhaytan monks of the eastern lands. Such a process allowed her to create Nightmare Moon, who was simply known as ‘Moony’ at the time.

Luna soon began finding great pleasure in raising the Moon, watching her sister’s Sun set, and shrouding the land in her refreshing darkness, claiming it all for her own. It made her feel powerful, something she had been deprived of as a sisterless, powerless princess. Moony too felt this power, and she loved it. When Celestia’s Sun set, Moony would appear, and when it rose, she would disappear until the next time when nighttime reigned, leaving Luna alone, tormented, having been granted a taste of what it was like to actually have a sister, then it being stolen from her at the beginning of every day.

Celestia slowly slipped into insanity thereafter, having not noticing the signs of her sister’s own descent into madness, and she blamed herself for every second of the one thousand years her sister had to endure on the Moon. Eventually the alcoholism had passed, as had the suicidal thoughts, though the sadness was still there, powerful as ever, and it remained for the entirety of her sister’s departure.

The dream guardian looked down at her trembling hooves. Powerless. Weak. Disgusting. All words that came to her mind. Her skull slammed against the table. A loud, exasperated groan following.

“I know I was born and I know that I'll die. The in between is mine. I am mine.” Luna had always liked that quote, or rather song lyric, though she couldn’t quite recall the name of the stallion that had said it, nor was she certain that she would die, but she was fond of it regardless. The beginning of the ‘in between’, her life, was where the princess had problems. She always felt a stab of mental pain every time Celestia mentioned their parents or foalhood – and Celestia would apologize profusely after every incident.

The cobalt mare couldn’t remember her parents or much of her younger years as a side effect of the Elements of Harmony coursing through her mind and attempting to cleanse it of all evil, or at least what the Elements deemed to be so. That was precisely why, when she returned to Equestria, she had attempted to continue where she left off in shrouding the land in eternal darkness. Whilst on the Moon, Luna knew nopony other than Nightmare Moon, who she was largely unaware of, and Celestia, who she abhorred. Princess Luna was merely a consciousness inside of Nightmare Moon, unaware of the world around her and what led to her seemingly eternal damnation. Slowly, over time, she and Nightmare Moon eventually merged into one being again, empowering her with a body and sentience as she and Nightmare Moon bided their time, plotting their revenge, running through a myriad of scenarios. Failure was not an option, however Nightmare Moon and Luna did not expect the Elements of Harmony to be recovered nor bound to six ponies that wielded them with such finesse.

The gems couldn’t differentiate between good and evil very well, and thus had removed a large chunk of her memories. Upon hearing Celestia’s voice for the first time in a millennia, Luna’s mind raced and began rapidly piecing together the lost memories like a foal trying to get a just-barely-passing-grade on a school project at the very last minute by using lots of scotch tape and glue. The memories were there, but they were still in pieces, or just put back together wrong, as Luna had tried to explain to Celestia many times. Some were buried in the back of her mind where they were near impossible to reach, but every once in a blue Moon she was able to get her proverbial hooves on a piece of the mental treasure.

The one thing that Luna was in control of – that she had power over – her Moon, carried with it the crippling memory of her mistake, still fresh in her mind after one thousand years. Tears began flowing from Luna’s bright cerulean eyes, each one landing on the worn table with a quiet tap. A sob escaped her lips against her will, echoing in the large room as if to spite her. Her dark azure hooves slammed into the table under her, leaving a crack in the wood, a testament of her self-loathing. Why was I so stupid? The thought crippled her into a sobbing mass of pure emotion; a useless and forgotten princess left alone to cry on a table in the corner of a desolate library. This was the first time since her so-called return that Luna allowed herself to cry – to show weakness, or at least in her own mind’s eye it was weakness. It felt amazing. As if the weight of the world had been lifted off her shoulders. Luna cried until she had no more tears, and then she cried some more, emptying herself of the built up dam of emotion.

The sounds of the large wooden door behind her creaking open made Luna’s pupils shrink to tiny pinpricks in fear. Luna ran her hoof through her disheveled mane, trying her best to look somewhat presentable for the mystery guest. She was still a princess, after all. Might as well try to look like one, even while otherwise... preoccupied. When the guest was revealed to be one of her few guards Luna breathed a deep sigh of relief. The Dark Guards were all used to seeing Princess Luna at both times of joy, and sorrow. In fact, they were usually the only ones there to console her. The cerulean-eyed mare was always glad to have them as company, no matter her emotional state. To the untrained eye they all looked identical, though Luna was skilled at differentiating each and every single one of her eighty-eight loyal stallions. “Yes, Orion? H- how goes your night?”

The colt’s dark armor clicked through the darkness of the library with each step he took. “Orion, why have you come?” He said nary a word, just continued walking towards his princess. “Orion, do not make me repeat myself.”

clip, clink, clop, clank, clip, clink, clop…

With every step that he took, a piece of his armor fell to the ground with a resounding clang that echoed through the darkness. Luna watched in confused silence as the colt advanced towards her. By the time he was a mere few feet away from the princess of the night, he was completely bare of his cumbersome armor. His dark coat seemed to radiate heat and energy; Luna could practically feel his powerful warmth in the air. She looked deep into his chrome eyes, squinting in confusion, though they weren’t chrome as she remembered – they were an aqua-rimmed color similar to that of her own. He blinked and his iris shrank into familiar, belligerent, cat-like slits. Luna knew those eyes all too well – she had spent countless hours creating them in her mind; she didn’t think that she would ever see them again.

“How?” The smile underneath his muzzle brandished two large and sharp menacing fangs. In an explosion of indigo smoke the guard was no more and in his place stood the large, jet-black pony of Luna’s nightmares, albeit somewhat less intimidating without her legendary armor. “Why have you come? I do not ever want to see you ever again, you – you monster!” Luna spoke with powerful authority, shaking the walls of the room with her rarely used yet highly renowned magic imbued shouting. Such a honed scream would cripple lesser ponies, though the mare in front of Luna was far from the run-of-the-mill workhorse. The sound of bookshelves falling like dominoes shook the entire floor, adding impact to her powerful words.

“This is the kind of welcome I get? I would’ve thought that I’d have received a warmer greeting, Princess….” Nightmare Moon sang out in an intoxicating tone, her words laced with venom. “Hmm… one thousand years later, and they still hate you. You know, with my help –”

“I do not want your help, I care not what they think of me!” Luna retorted.

“Foalish as ever, Luna. Have you forgotten that I know when you’re lying? Just as you were me, I am you. Our minds are different detachments, yet we share the same body. You just don’t want to admit it to yourself. This body is rightfully mine, and it shall be mine again!” Nightmare said to Luna telepathically.

“No!” A magnificent ray of power shot forth from Luna’s horn, striking into the chest of the mare that once was little more than her imaginary friend. The beam struck with a blinding flash, causing Nightmare Moon to cringe at the steaming pink wound as she stumbled backwards to keep her balance. Luna fell to the cold floor with newfound pain pulsing inwards like many molten daggers stabbing into her flesh.

“Is that proof enough for you, Luna? You can not get rid of me so easily!”

“You are not real, not any more! Go away!” Another ray, this one more powerful than the last, grazed off of Nightmare’s forearm. The dark coat that had been there seconds prior was burned off to expose a pulsing expanse of pink skin and charred fur. “Nnngh…” Luna bit down hard her lip in excruciating pain, drawing the bitter metallic taste of blood to her tongue.

“You really should stop hurting yourself, Luna.” A maniacal cackle followed as Nightmare laughed at her own sick joke, poking at the princess’ long forgotten, millennia old habit of self-harming. The next beam of magic missed as it pierced through the blue sparkling cloud of magical energy. “Just as much as I know you love hurting yourself, I can not allow my body to be injured any further.”

“This is my body and I am in control of it now. You were created in a moment of weakness. You do not own me – you never did and you never shall!” The miasmatic cloud that was Nightmare Moon floated mere inches away from Luna, silently taunting her. Luna closed her eyes and began reciting, “You are not real.”

Nightmare’s hooves clicked against the tiled floor as the cloud of stars dispersed and her form solidified. “Oh, but I am just as real as that pain in your chest, my dear.” She pressed her hoof against the steaming wound on her chest to emphasize her statement, eliciting a screech of pain from the smaller mare. Nightmare ignored the stabbing sensation radiating from her own chest as best as she could while she used her dark indigo aura to enshroud Luna’s being, effectively paralyzing her.

“Keep your filthy hooves away from me, you fiend!” Luna spat out the word, emphasizing it with the powerful punch of magic.

“Fiend? That isn’t a very nice thing to call an old friend, Luna. I am just taking back what is rightfully mine.” Nightmare closed her eyes and arched her neck down, placing her horn against the tip of Luna’s own. The princess’ vision filled with a blinding white, and then the deafening silence of darkness embraced her.

...

Am… am I dead? Luna tried to open her eyes, but immediately shut them when she felt the sting of frigid air stab into her retinas. Her lungs burned for oxygen as they sent frantic electrical impulses to her brain. When she sucked in a desperate breath, relief flowed over her in the form of a shiver and sigh. I’m alive? The faded ink text on the brittle paper crinkled underneath her head as she used her magic to pull the book from her face. She rubbed her cheek with a hoof; her brow furrowed at the feeling of something sticky smearing across her face. When she looked down at it, there was a combination of drool, tears, and dark ink marked across the flat of her hoof.

A long exasperated groan followed as Luna confirmed that what she had experienced was little more than a nightmare. The nocturnal alicorn attempted to teleport back to her room to wash up the inky mess only to find that she couldn’t muster up enough energy. She reluctantly began shuffling back to her room, taking her time as a headache began to pound away at her temples and behind her eye. Luna cringed as the door slammed shut behind her, further infuriating the angry migraine behind her left eye. The thought of prying her eye out of its socket to rid her of the crippling pain passed just as quickly as it arrived.

The pony in the mirror looked like it once was the princess known as ‘Luna’, but no longer was. Dark bags underneath her large, bloodshot and veiny eyes taunted her as they contracted and shifted about in the bathroom’s blinding bright light. Her normally long, soft, and somewhat coiffed mane was disheveled – completely covered in split ends that stuck to her sweaty face. She had always envied Celestia’s gorgeous mane: the way it flowed as if it had a life of its own, it was only another thing to envy of her seemingly flawless sibling. Luna pushed that thought aside. There was no room in her heart for resentment. Not any more.

“You are a mess, Luna.” Cold water from the faucet aided in making Luna look more true to her title as princess of the night, yet the water did nothing for the horrible visions of her nightmare, which still played out and repeated over and over again in her mind. Her horn sparked and sputtered in strained effort as she tried to use her magic to grasp a brush resting on the side of the sink. “Reduced to using your hooves for menial tasks,“ she said to herself while brushing through her mane. “Celestia mustn’t know.”

A soft chortle came from the mirror as Luna said those words. The azure mare looked up at the blurry, mocking face of Nightmare Moon laughing at her with an enormous toothy smile, all the while glaring down with malevolent eyes. “No!” Without a thought, Luna’s hoof collided into the mirror, sending sharp pieces of bloodied glass into the ceramic sink. She screeched and clutched her hoof in pain, sinking into a ball on the cold tiled floor. Luna took a deep breath as she felt tears leak out the corner of her eye in response to the pain. “It’s all in your head. She isn’t real any more.” She said, repeating the words as the countless psychiatrists had instructed her to do.

After painstakingly patching up the few lacerations on her hoof with a large bandage and cleaning up the small mess of sanguine liquid as best she could without ample magic, Luna picked up the brush from the floor and placed it back on the side of the sink, giving up her endeavor to style her mane, leaving it looking disheveled as ever. The cobalt alicorn turned the light off and debated returning to the library but decided against it when she saw the Sun trying to peak over the horizon through the thick, black curtains of her balcony. Her hooves clopped against the balcony as her horn ignited to life, spitting out sparks of indigo magic and humming softly. Her aqua rimmed eyes closed shut in deep focus as her wings unfurled and she began flying upwards into the orange and purple morning sky.

Luna took a deep breath and gritted her teeth while exerting all her energy in focus onto her Moon, all the while grunting in strain. In a matter of seconds she fell from the sky to the balcony with a loud ‘”Oof”, collapsing into a mass of feathers, tears and pain. Her sister’s Sun was now low in the sky; Luna’s Moon was nowhere to be seen across the bright expanse.

The sound of a teleportation spell and then somepony galloping down the halls alerted Luna as her ears twitched in response to the cacophony of noise, reigniting the painful headache behind her eye, which had been ignored and was beginning to fade. She forced herself to stand and closed the balcony door and the curtains to rid her room of the bothersome light. Being used to the darkness, her eyes were extremely sensitive to any kind of brightness, especially her sister’s blinding Sun. The large door slammed open, revealing a very panicked looking Celestia. “Luna, are you okay? I sensed a huge fluctuation in your magic and I -”

“I am fine, a bit tired though. All of this noise isn’t helping with my headache either, so if you would, please try to be quieter. I would be very thankful.” Luna wore a fake grin, one she put on to hide the blatant lie she had just told her sister. “You know, I was just about to go to sleep, so could you, you know, leave? Please?” The bandage on her hoof unraveled as she motioned towards the door, exposing the two deep gouges and various surrounding cuts around the tender, fleshy bottom of her hoof.

“Luna, for pony’s sake, I just had to lower the Moon for you. What is the ma- your hoof! What did you do?” Celestia’s brow creased with concern as her golden magic shrouded her sister’s fetlock in a healing glow. In mere seconds the gashes had healed and there was no visible sign of any injury. Such is the luxury of having what is tantamount to a demi-goddess for a sister.

Luna looked down at her hoof in amazement. Since the two sisters were but little fillies, Celestia had always been naturally well trained in healing magic, and she was always there to heal every bruise, or boo-boo, and give a kiss to make it better. Luna, however, could still not recall that. Noctem, their father, and Diem, their mother, would remain forgotten. “There was a, uhm, spider – yes, a spider – on the mirror in the bathroom.” Her forced smile was beginning to show, yet Celestia simply nodded in feigned acknowledgement. The look in her eyes said it all: she was scared. The larger alicorn’s golden hoofshoes softly clicked against the rugged floor as she walked towards her little sister.

“And you didn’t use your magic to put a sphere around it and bring it outside? I thought you didn’t kill anything. ’Everything is entitled to life.’” Celestia recited from memory of having Luna scold her after killing an annoying fly or accidentally stepping on an ant. Luna was always careful not to kill anything, going out of her way to conserve any and all forms of life. “That’s your adage, correct? Luna, what is going on? You’re not acting like yourself. I want you to know that you can tell me anything. You’re my little sister, and I care about you more than anything in the world.” She finished the statement with a kiss on the forehead to prove her point.

Luna’s hooves covered her face as she mumbled, “Nightmare.”

“What?” Celestia’s eyes widened as her heart beat rapidly in her throat. Please, whoever is listening… She mentally said a prayer.

“Nightmare Moon. I – I think she is trying to return.” A moment of silent, excruciating tension followed as the princess of the Sun tried to get a grasp on what her sister had just said.

Celestia felt her eye twitch. “No. No! We did everything, we took every precaution, performed every remedy… this… THIS CAN NOT BE HAPPENING!” Tears soaked the alabaster coat underneath Celestia’s wise, amethyst eyes as she wrapped her hooves around her little sister for what very well could’ve been the last time.

In between her sister’s sobs, Luna said, “I’m so sorry, ‘Tia. I couldn’t do anything about it.”

The door slammed open, making Luna cringe underneath her sister. “Is everything alright, Princess? I heard some shouting and -” A shaken Dark Guard said, momentarily shocked at the sight of Celestia in her sister’s quarters.

“No. Nothing is alright any more.” Celestia said in a whimper while brushing through Luna’s bright silky mane. She didn’t care. Her royal façade fell as she ordered, “Step outside and shut the door. Now!” The Dark Guard looked to Luna, who slowly nodded beneath her sister’s crippling weight. The stallion did so, closing the door to leave the princesses alone.

…

“ ’Tia, please! Don’t you think that this is a bit extreme?”

“No!” Celestia snapped back. “We can not put Equestria at risk. I’m sorry, Luna.”

“I – I understand, sister,” Luna’s head sunk down, the sunlight piercing through the crack in between the black curtains glinted off of the red gem in the center of the metal clasp around her horn. “But, uhm, could you loosen it a bit? It’s really tight.”

“I suppose a little.” Celestia focused her magic on the microscopic parts of the device, skillfully weaving her golden magic through it until the anti-magic restraint around her sister’s horn loosened slightly. “Is that better?” Luna nodded.

“How long will I be like this, stuck in my room without magic?”

“A couple of days, just as a prophylactic measure. We don’t know if this is anything more than a nightmare, uh, not the mare. You know what I mean. Meanwhile, I will contract the doctors, and everypony else whom I personally trust to work on a cure, for lack of a better word.” She brought her hoof over to Luna’s cheek. “Is there anything you need before I leave?”

“Something to keep me busy… books! Lots of them. There is a stack of volumes in the library on one of the tables in the far corner near the east side. Please bring them to me. There is also a short list somewhere on my desk, if you could also get those while you’re there. Thank you, my sister.” Luna pointed to the wooden desk in the corner of her room. Next to it was a sizeable easel made with the finest wood in Equestria, and an impressive assortment of paintbrushes of varying sizes, complete with many tubes of different colored paints. Painting had always been one of Luna’s hobbies. Aside from crafting the largely ignored, breathtaking night sky, it was among the very short list of things she cared about. She had picked up the hobby as a suggestion from one of her many psychiatrists.

Celestia telekinetically lifted up the piece of paper, inspecting the so-called ‘short’ list. There were at least twenty books! “Uhm… got it. Anything else?” Luna took a second to think, and then shook her head. “I’m really sorry about this. I hope you understand, but we just can’t risk it. Nightmare Moon… she is not one to be crossed. You know that more than I do, Luna. If you need me, for whatever reason, do not hesitate to send a scroll through your fireplace. It will take no more than five seconds for me to receive it and teleport here.” Celestia silently prayed that it wouldn’t come to that.

“I love you, ‘Tia.”

“I love you too, Luna. I’ll see you in a few days.”

Celestia closed the door behind her and locked it, then breathed a few incantations to enchant it for durability, as well as a powerful anti-magic field around the entirety of Luna’s chambers. The alabaster princess would be able to use her magic in the vicinity, but anypony else would have extreme difficulties and probably pass out from overexertion if they tried to overpower it. Celestia heard the sound of Luna’s depressive sigh and fought against her urge to open the door and hug her. Even though Luna was only a few years younger than she was - in alicorn terms - Celestia still caught herself thinking of Luna as her baby sister occasionally.

Opting to get the books herself as opposed to handing the list to one of the many guards who would jump at the opportunity for a break from the tedious patrol duty, Celestia slowly trotted down the crowded halls of the castle and in mere minutes arrived in the library. Luna's room was rather close to the library, as were her demands when the new castle was constructed many millennia ago. It took her quite a while, almost an entire hour to the dismay of her tight schedule, but the solar princess had finally managed to find all but four of the books on Luna’s list. Celestia took a moment to envision her sister’s room and sent the books on their way with a teleportation spell.

It was a lonely walk back to the throne room, and an even lonelier day afterwards. With the thought of possibly losing her sister again, Celestia found it difficult to focus on her duties, though she managed to drudge through another boring day. Dealing with current affairs and listening to the snooty Canterlot ponies whine about everything and anything wasn’t exactly her idea of fun, but it was her job nonetheless and somepony had to do it.

By the time she retired to her chambers for the night, Celestia had nearly forgotten to raise the Moon. She had already gotten used to Luna doing it with having her back home for nearly an entire year. After raising the Moon, Celestia left the night sky barren and without stars, for she lacked the necessary ambition and patience to do anything to the empty canvas which had been laid out before her tired, immortal eyes. It had been a very long day. Luna was always naturally better at it, anyways. Best to let her sister keep her reputation rather than ruining it by botching her glorious sky.