A dying man once told me that every man has his limits. The more hidden their weakness is, the smaller and more concealed, the more they burst when it is realized. For some their limit is broken and they crack instantly, other crack after a time, but in the end they all will crack in the pressure that is placed on them. This man, in my opinion, was very wise. He was also my father. He had been a soldier before me, but he was in direct warfare. He was infantry, and he knew about that limit all too well. He suffered from a severe case of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder that never truly went away. He was old, literally on his deathbed, when he told me that. Why? I had told him a piece of information he would take to his grave. I had told him about my real profession. I told him of my job as an assassin, and every last kill I'd ever made. If one couldn't face their father and tell them anything...

Regardless, he had received it well, he understood the reason behind my assassinations. And he had even congratulated me on a pair of them, saying that I really was good at what I did. From my father, who was a Medal of Honor recipient, this was high praise. But now I finally understand the last thing he ever told me.

I sat up in the bed that was provided to me. I palmed my eyes, relishing the warmth of my palms on my face, and then extricated myself from the covers. I took a glance at the grandfather clock sitting in the corner, and content with the amount of time I had spent asleep and the time left until 'dinner', I stripped my combat suit off myself and headed to the shower in the adjacent bathroom.

Stooping a little in the stall made for ponies, I enjoyed the first hot shower I had had in over four billion years. Finally free of the caked mud and sweat on my body, I moved to my discarded combat suit. Reaching into one of the pockets, I pulled out a razor-sharp knife, about the length of my finger. Moving to the sink and washbasin, I poured a bit of warm water onto the hand towel next to it. After wetting my face, I raised the knife to cheek and scraped it along my skin, the wicked-sharp blade removing all traces of a beard from my face.

I washed the basin and cleaned my knife, my clean-shaven face much more comfortable without a beard. Replacing the knife in it's pocket, I picked up my under-suit and took it, too, to the sink. Turning the hot water tap on, I scrubbed the article of clothing as best as I could, and then I wrung it between my hands to eliminate all traces of wetness from the body suit. Satisfied with the results, I once again donned my body suit, my second skin. Moving back to the center of the guest room, I donned my armor once again, and archived the data my plastic cowl had accrued, clearing the used space for other uses. I replaced the hood on my head and tapped the side, rebooting the Augmented Reality. After seeing it reboot once, I checked the clock on it. It was A) synchronized with the wall clock, and B) only about fifteen minutes before 'dinner'.

I sat myself down on the floor, legs crossed underneath me, and began to relax my breathing. I flicked my head to the left, and twisted a little. Using my eyes to navigate through a set of menus, I turned my HUD to a recording mode. I began to dictate to it, and I began to pass my time.

A few minutes later, there was a knock on my door. Finishing up my recording, I stood back up, stretching my legs, and opened the door.

A pair of pegasus guards, still stark-white in gold armor, stood there. I just had to ask...

"Are you the same guards who-" I began.

"No. We have an enchantment on our armor to make us look the same. Virus, sir, we are here to escort you to the dining room."

I raised an eyebrow, and then realized my cowl was still on. Pulling it off, I re-raised my eyebrow and looked at the guard. "So I'm still not to be trusted?"

His eyebrow raised, matching mine, and a slight smile appeared on his visage. "No, the Princess just thinks you might need a guide to get to the hall."

That makes sense. "Okay then, lead the way." I smiled and gestured with my arm. "Also, could I possibly have my pistol back? It's more of a comfort thing, really."

The guards turned on their hooves and began to walk away. "Of course, please follow us to the armory and then we'll take you to the dining hall."

Perfect. My dear old pistol, God knows how many situations that thing has gotten me out of. There was even this one time, when it wasn't even loaded, and it saved my butt.

I had been cornered inside an apartment building. My mag-rifle was already hidden at a dead drop for one of our moles to get to, and all I had left was my pistol. With no ammo. Next to me, hands cuffed behind their back and mouth gagged, the enemy VIP was sitting on a chair. I had been on a capture-or-kill mission, sent after our first team failed. I was to capture the VIP and bring him in for interrogation, or, barring that, kill him. I was sorely tempted to do the latter.

I was surrounded by cops. Of all people, cops. This was bad. A loudspeaker blared from outside, and I heard them say to leave the building, or something like that. This was really bad. I looked at my pistol for a moment, and then inspiration struck. I knew it was empty, but they didn't. This might actually work. Grabbing the VIP, I put my (empty) gun to his head, and slowly stepped outside the building.

"HOLD YOUR FIRE!" A voice called. I was surrounded by enemies.

I spoke loudly. "If you move, if you shoot, if you do anything, I will put a bullet through this man's head. If you shoot me, my spasm will pull this trigger, and he will still die. Now move aside, and I won't hurt him, and I will let him go." I began to step forwards.

The people around me backed a step with mine, their weapons trained on me. I could probably take a body shot or three before my armor failed, but a head shot would give me a concussion. My AR predicted that they wouldn't shoot... yet.

With my gun to the man's head, I passed the outer edge of the cops, and headed towards an alley in the dark street. Upon reaching it, I checked my mission timer once again. Extraction minus twenty. Sending a short burst transmission through my hood's radio, a response was sent moments later. They bumped the timer up and had a lock on my location. I smacked the VIP in the head with my pistol, and flipped his limp body over my shoulder. Then, I took off at a dead run through the dark streets of the megalopolis, stalling for my extraction. It was almost here...

My mind returned to the present. We were just entering the armory, and upon entry, I noticed the racks of swords, spears, shields, and crossbows lining the walls. From a chest in a corner, one of the pegasi flipped my pistol over his wing and leveled it out in front of me.

"Here you go. Shall we head to the dining hall now?"

I flipped the pistol off his wing, and with a quick spin, I holstered it in my ever-present side holster. "Let's go."

A few minutes later, we had reached another set of overly-expensive doors. With a flourish, the guards in front opened them, allowing me to gaze upon a mid-sized table, large enough for a feast, but also small enough for the ponies sitting at it to actively socialize. Oh God, I just used 'ponies'... I'm going native...

Regardless, I entered the hall, and approached the table. The white 'alicorn', the Princess, sat at the head of the table, and on her sides sat the purple unicorn from earlier and another white unicorn I didn't recognize. To the right of the purple unicorn sat who I think is her brother, the one who I injured, and to my pleasure, he was staring daggers at me with his broken and dislocated arm in a sling and cast. To his right, another 'alicorn' sat, this one hot pink, and the 'foot' of the table, alongside the seats next to the unknown unicorn, were left empty.

The Princess seemed to notice me, and she looked up from her conversation with the purple unicorn and smiled. Beckoning me with a hoof, she motioned to the 'foot' of the table, and I complied.

I took my place in front of the occupants of the table, and looked across the currently-empty table.

"Hello Princess. Hello Captain." I put as much sarcasm into the second one as I could, and I could feel his eyes narrow as I continued looking at the Princess.

"Greetings Virus. It seems as if you have already met Prince Shining Armor, husband of my niece, Princess Cadence. This is Prince Blueblood-" She motioned to the unicorn. That makes sense, this seemed like a relatively exclusive dinner. "-And this is Twilight Sparkle, sister of Shining Armor and my personal student." Oh. OH. That makes so much sense now. No wonder she wanted to kill me on the spot at the beginning...

"Well, it's nice to meet you all. I am Virus, a human, or as you may know my species, an Old Biped, and I'm pleased to meet you all. Meeting royalty isn't a thing we did every day, back in my world. I'm truly honored to meet you." And I also may be laying it on a little thick, but it can't hurt, can it?

"Well then, I believe it's about time for the food to arrive. Are you hungry, Virus?" The Princess seemed to be directing this conversation to food. I'm an omnivore... maybe I could play this right...

"As a matter of fact, Princess, I am. Food would be spectacular." I responded, my upbeat attitude overlaid onto my voice. I really hope they have some serious protein...

As I spoke, serving ponies rushed out of niches in the side of the room carrying silverware, setting the table with mechanical efficiency. Moments after that, platters of food were set upon the set table, their lids being removed and steaming-hot dishes opened to the hungry ponies. I watched with enthusiasm as the dishes were uncovered, but my smile began to droop. Everything looked appetizing, yes, but it was all fancy shmancy stuff, nothing fit for a soldier like me to eat... or even a human for that matter. I could see some sort of carbohydrate dish and some sort of salad, but besides that, everything else either had hay, flowers, or alfalfa on it. I sighed to myself, and reached into one of the multitude of pockets on my armor. I extricated a pre-packaged bag of artificial protein substitute and a knife. I slit the package top open, and I noticed the funny looks I was getting.

Every pony at the table was staring at me, confusion lining their faces. I shrugged and returned to my opening of the packet. With an audible *plop*, the mush fell on my plate.

I looked back up. "What? I eat protein. So what? Ever seen synthetic protein substitute before?" I asked, faking ignorance. I returned to my 'meal', and I picked up one of the spoons and dug into it, plopping a spoonful of the tasteless mush in my mouth.

"Please pass the salt?" I asked, hopeful for some seasoning. A shaker floated over in a lavender aura, and I deftly picked it out of the air, sprinkling generous quantities of the seasoning on my mush. Returning to the now-salted mush, I put another spoonful in my mouth.

Not a single pony had moved. They were all looking at me with varying degrees of uncertainty, confusion, shock, and amusement. That last one was the Princess.

"Did I use the wrong spoon or something? I'm pretty sure the small one's for dessert..." I broke off, playing the part for all it's worth.

Princess Cadence was the first one to speak up. "No... but why don't you eat the actual food here... it's really good..."

"Oh. That stuff? You mean the hay and flowery stuff?"

"Yes..."

I smiled. "Simple. I can't eat hay or flowers. A good salad is great though. But meat is much better." I smiled even wider, showing her my canines. I sighed, falsely. "Too bad there's no meat. I could really go for some ribs right now. Or even chicken wings..." I put another spoonful of the bland protein in my mouth, and studied the reactions of the ponies. The Prince Blueblood was currently dry heaving, gagging due to the horrifying thought of meat-eating. The Princess was still there, the smirk on her face, understanding what I was doing. Twilight Sparkle was shocked, like a deer in the headlights, and her horn glowed faintly, a glowing pencil evident behind her back. She must be taking notes. Cadence looked just as shocked, and Shining Armor stared at me, brows still narrowed.

"Could you please pass the salad please? I think it'll go well with this protein." A gold aura enveloped the salad bowl thing, and I snagged one of the tongs and flipped a little bit of it on my plate. I used the longer fork to puncture some leaves and vegetables, and alongside some protein supplement, I ate the 'food'. It was actually pretty good.

"Got any sort of fish, chicken, beef, pork, goat, lamb, sheep, or shrimp I can eat? I'd prefer it well-done..." I asked hopefully, this time with a real desire for meat.

"I'm sorry Virus, but we are all herbivores. You would be hard-pressed to find meat inside Equestria, and the practice of eating it is basically taboo. I apologize for the inconvenience. Could I possibly interest you in some stew? It's made with vegetable stock and is quite the meal?"

"Definitely. Thank you Princess." She had floated the soup pot over, and poured a little bit into my bowl. "We are omnivores, after all. We don't need meat to survive, per se, but it really helps to have the protein for muscle building." I smiled back at her, and an unseen joke passed through our eyes.

A moment passed, and then I broke out laughing. The Princess chuckled alongside me, a much more regal and conservative laugh, but I was almost on the ground, clutching my sides.

"You- You shoulda seen the l-look on your f-faces!" I could barely hold it in, and the ponies around me looked at me funny. Was I crazy? Maaaaaaaaybeeeeee.

Author's Note

fun to write, gonna try and get an infamous chapter out tomorrow. I want 2 stories in the feature box. Right?