“Love is a lie and you are all foolish to believe in it. It's nothing but an illusion to our minds and is the base of insanity. What do you do for your “loved” one? Would you willingly break every bone in your poor, clueless body? Or perhaps you would go so far as to kill all the ponies around you? And once you have gained it, what do you do with it? Let it sit in your heart as the colors of the rainbow fade away from you as you grow old and weary? Do the crimes you commit, big or small, outweigh the emotion your “lover” gives you? No, they don’t, and yet we ponies still choose to fall in love in this very way.”
I wrote that excerpt above, with no shame may I add. I'm one of those ponies that others call “illogical”. I am an oddity to them and they avoid me as I walk down the forsaken roads to a place I call “home”. They do not see what I see because they are inexperienced lovers. Veteran at love am I not, for I've had but one to love in my life, but these ponies I see out there in the streets are clueless. They are so blinded by their lover that they do not see the crimes they commit when trying to completely capture their heart. I was as blind as them at a time not too far in the past, carelessly frolicking through the fields of greed.
What a shameful field that is, stealing any innocence that's left in us, if there was any to begin with. We ponies are born greedy, for we want two things; love and violence. We're no different than savage animals fighting for food and pride. Every argument, every disruption of peace between two ponies is no different than a bloodbath battle between two lions. I, Lyra Heartstrings, have been in that battle... and I lost.
The demon of which I once called my lover was quite the charmer. At first glance, she looked like an average mare, but I knew inside her was some sort of other beauty. I didn't know what it was that peaked my interest in her, but I pummeled forth into the lair of the bashful and arrogant fools. Bon Bon... that name rings in my head like a church bell that doesn't stop ringing, preventing the citizens of the curious mind to sleep somberly and snug in their beds. It is that name that kept me going, for I could not stop thinking about it, night after night. My ridiculous sentiment toward this mare that I've met led me to think of inappropriate thoughts and future wishes.
I was taught that it was the emotional influence toward one another that true love was reached. Those tutors were wrong. All I could think about was her body next to mine, solemnly sleeping in a nice, cozy bed after a long, androgynous day. It was the physical contact that made me fall in love, but it's also what drove me insane to my very core. It was the outside beauty that released the inner hideousness within her... no... us.
It came to me after a certain night ended and the morning called for us to awake. It was the first night I've ever gotten “drunk and dizzy” with anyone. It was as if all my cares for others' individual freedoms floated away on a cloud of idiocy. My natural pony instincts kicked in that night after we arrived home, selfishly clinging to my lover, not letting her out of my arms until the moon was scorched from the sky.
After that night, I swore I would literally protect her at all costs, even at the costs of my own life. That was the most foolish decision I've made in my life, and I couldn't even decide for myself. My body decided for me, ungratefully obsessed with this mortal body that it has interacted with. I knew in my heart that this wasn't “true love”, but it was impossible to control. I was angry at myself, I wanted to hurt something. I wanted to clinically injure somepony! I was just waiting for the right moment.
I kept waiting and waiting for that scene where I could release all of my rage. I waited for years and years, eventually thinking that the moment would never come and all this rage that was built up after night and night of sex and alcohol would just rest inside me forever. Oh, how wrong I was.
It was another simple night at the bar, or at least my dangerous mind thought it was. That was until some drunk as hell stallion came along, attempting to take all the moments I had with my lover with one low sweep. My anger was at its peak at that moment. Something in my mind told me to brutalize the stallion, but something also told me to stay calm and handle the situation properly. That second something was ignored completely, for I was drunk, angry, and mean.
Then, my heart shattered at the scene I saw next; she left me. She left me to wallow in my tears for a stallion of which she barely met. Body contact, a kiss, a death of my soul. It was at that point I lost control.
I swore at him loudly, attracting all the attention in the bar. It silenced so fast that the stools' squeaks of age were heard as people turned to see me. My face was boiling red, full of hate, anguish and had the intent of violence. I think I heard Bon Bon telling me to calm down, but my mind never acknowledged it.
Suddenly, everything went black. I heard screams, shatters, and faint cheers, but see I could not. I couldn’t feel, smell or taste for some matter of minutes. I was scared, for I didn’t know what I could do. Even if I knew, I doubt I would be able to do it.
Everything started to become clear again as I heard Bon Bon’s screams. Colors started streaming back to my eyes, and one color was in the majority of my sight; red. A familiar, pony-like shape was in the middle of the red, with shards of reflective silver scattered upon the floor. I suddenly felt a sharp pain in my right hoof, but I was too tired to scream. I simply looked at it, the blood rushing down the side of my arm and I stared at it in disbelief. What I have done; unreasonable, unfathomable, and recklessly idiotic beyond to even the great mind of Twilight Sparkle if she saw this.
Before I knew it, I was being dragged against my will out of the bar. I saw Bon Bon’s disappointed expression staring not at me, but at herself. She knew what she had done to lead me here, and she knows that it will be near impossible to forgive herself.
It’s been two months since that night and I’m thankful that the stallion I hit’s wounds were not severe. Otherwise, I would be rotting in prison for another 10 years. I finally get out of this horrid jail today. I went through a very tedious rehabilitation camp to mend my alcohol problem I gained over the past couple years as well. Bon Bon, as I easily predicted, never came to see me while I was in jail. As much as you wouldn’t think I would care, I do, very deeply. She was the one I loved for years and she completely erased me from her mind. So, as much as I hate to do it, I shall erase her as well. She’s probably in love with another pony by now so she can suck the meaning of their state of being as she did mine. Still, I can’t help but think of the kind of life I would live if we were still together.
In a matter of minutes, my life will change… or will it? It’s really something I can’t predict, always surprising me, albeit most of the time negatively surprising me. After I head out the door of the lobby, I will see the smiling sun freely and happily for the first time in two months. It may not sound too much like a long time, but it sure felt like it.
During those two months, I was nearly tempted to slice off my “cutie mark”. Yes, this is a true fact. Bon Bon and I gained our cutie marks on the same day together. I was the happiest I’d ever been that day, but now that I look back on it, that day was nothing more than the starting point of my foolish decisions. Now, I look at that mark and see nothing but the Devil’s tattoo.
A voice surprises me from behind. “Well, Miss Heartstrings, it looks like the day has come for you to beat this place!” The voice cheerily tells me. I snap my head up to locate the origin of the voice and conclude it to be from a very rough and tough stallion who really needs to shave his mustache.
“I’m… I’m free to go?” I respond to him. I am nearly afraid to answer the behemoth incorrectly, so I lower the tone of my voice down to its lowest. The stallion laughs fiercely. I feel as though he has the voice to dictate the world.
“Hahaha! That’s when they all say when I tell them that! Yes, ma’am! I’ve filled out your papers and it looks like you are in the clear!” He says with a large, beaming smile on his face. I fake a smile and giggle with him. However, seconds later, his face turns to a stare and I squeak mildly, flinching back on the bench I lay on. The atmosphere of the room I’m in suddenly turns somber and dark as he stares me down.
“But, be warned, Heartstrings,” he begins, “Do something to get in here again and it’ll be a little more than two months.”
I silently nod my head, sweating up a hurricane. It’s amazing how ponies can shift attitudes in this jail so fluently and quickly. After that little scene, his ogre-like face shifts back into a harmless smile.
“Good! Glad you understand! Now, get home before I change my mind about letting you go today.” He orders. This is one order I can let my body decide for me. I start running out the door of the room, all the while thinking about what he said; “get home”.
I was so excited to get out of this hellhole that I forgot I lived with Bon Bon. I nearly crash into a wall in the jail’s lobby when I remember that I’m now homeless. I have no money, no home, no love and no hope. It’s me versus the world now. Unfortunately, I’m most likely to lose.
I burst out the door and nearly immediately remember that I was arrested in November. The frigid cold greets me with a bitter, windy blast as I’m nearly knocked off my hooves. The sun is hidden away by the clouds and there is nothing but dark gray puffs in the sky to see me free.
If only I hadn’t fallen for that mare, I wouldn’t be in this predicament. She won’t take my sorry flank back into her home, either, for I’m almost sure of that. Who would ever want me to take part in their lives after an incident like that? Nopony with a brain, that’s who.
I’m standing outside a jail in the cold winter with nothing. I have no home, no food, no money, no anything. Staring into the sky, I see her face looking down on me with a tear running down her face. She’s turned away, afraid to face me personally for fear I will ignore her lackluster existence… and she’s correct.
I don’t need her. That demon of a mare should have been in jail with me for all she’s caused. She didn’t even have the heart to come apologize to me. Hell, she didn’t even come to see me at all. Strangely, I don’t feel as much anger as I do fear. I no longer have a partner in which I can cooperate with to survive, meaning that I will struggle and eventually give up.
I’m ashamed to have the mind that I possess, always thinking logically and eventually depressing myself when I figure out that there is no good way to survive. When I was little, I used to listen to a band whose singer thought as logically as I did. In the end, that stallion ended up committing suicide out of depression and I can’t help imagining that I will end up heading that direction as well.
My train of thought is disrupted largely as the wind blows a wild local newspaper to my side, making me flinch. Using my magic, I lift the newspaper to my face to read the headline, but early night sky refuses to let me. After 30 frustrating seconds, I give up and throw it carelessly to the side. It’s probably about a subject I give not even one care for.
Since I know there is no point in trying to find somewhere to stay tonight, I might as well just find the closest place that has heat before I catch a virus of some kind. I look left and right down the street and I see but one available open building. Unfortunately for me, that building is the bar I was arrested at.
I’m afraid to enter this building. It’s like opening the door to the Hell I tried so hard to escape from. My fear is that an event will take place in there, one I’m not certainly going to enjoy. Then again, what do I know? I’m nothing but a simple gnat on the surface of the world, unable to predict the certain future. Who knows, I may find my savior in that bar. I suck up my breath and start to proudly walk into the bar.
A rogue detecting ring pierces my ears as I open the door. The bartender turns to look at who’s entered the lively building and immediately squints hard at me. I release my breath held in my mouth and let my head hang low to assure him I mean no trouble. I mosey my way over to the nearest booth I see and sit down to warm my body calmly. The bartender turns his attention away from me and to the T.V. behind him.
I scout the bar with my eyes in attempt to locate Bon Bon, for I recognized the time on the firmly placed clock on the wall to be the time she normally arrived, but she was nowhere to be found. I do feel quite relieved, but for some reason, I’m still nervous. Something inside me wants her to be here to keep me safe, even though she ruined me.
I’m sitting there for about ten minutes listening to two mares leaning on the outside of my booth talk, laugh and drink. I feel very jealous of them even though my brain says that I shouldn’t be. My soul and mind have been battling each other ever since the day I gained the Devil’s tattoo and they are certainly not stopping soon. To be honest, I don’t think they will ever stop fighting.
The mare leaning on the right side of my booth waves as she begins to leave the bar. The purple mare on the left keeps her place as we both shift our attention to the news on the television. The reporters are talking about a recent murder from what I can tell. The picture shown next to the reporter was a red happy face on a sheet of notebook paper.
“Damn, again?” the purple mare asks looking at the television, obviously directing the question toward me. I have no idea what she means.
“Come again?” I respond. The mare turns back to me to respond.
“Haven’t you heard? There’s some sort of serial killer on the loose in Manehatten. They say the maniac leaves a happy face on a piece of paper painted in his victims’ blood. Looks like he struck again.” She explained. Great, this makes me feel so much safer now, a bloody happy face killer is on the loose.
“Jeez. That’s a tad… gruesome.” I say rather sarcastically. The mare suddenly squints hard at me.
“Say… haven’t I seen you before? Didn’t you used to come here all time a while back?” She asks. I’m afraid to answer the question as my heart begins to beat rather quickly. I’m resorting to “ummm…” and “well…” in excuse to buy time to think of something she’ll be deceived into.
“Oh, yeah, you were that one chick who knocked that one dude out cold!” She puts bluntly. “Hah, you really freaking wrecked him!”
Thanks for making me remember and regret everything that I’ve ever done, lady. That really makes me feel better. I can’t tell if she’s trying to complement or insult me, but I sure do feel scared. I’m not going to let her ruin my mood further. No, not today.
“Miss, listen. I’m not in the mood to talk about that. I just got out of a 2 month jail punishment for that. I’m cold, I’m lonely and I’m NOT in a good mood.” I violently respond to her comment. Instead of backing away and muting herself from me, she does the opposite of what I intended for her to do; sit down and face me directly.
“You just got out? You should be happy that you’re finally out! Why aren’t you glad you’re not rotting in jail anymore?” She asks me with a clueless face. I hate how she’s so brash with ponies she’s just met, but for some peculiar reason, I want to tell her. Could it be that the effects of Bon Bon and I’s relationship still lingers? Whether it still controls me or not, I’m going to tell her everything.
I sigh loudly. “My marefriend has abandoned me, I’m homeless, moneyless, unloved and unknown. I’ve ruined my life.” I briefly explain. She flinches back in surprise at what I say.
“That’s horrible!” She exclaims. I can feel that she isn’t faking her emotions for the sake of making me feel better, she is legitimately surprised and worried about me. I’m very puzzled as to why, however, it seems uncanny to ask, so I will keep this thought to myself for the time being. Something seductive lies in her eyes: something I can’t put my hoof on. It glitters in my dark world, giving me just enough light to see a few feet away from me.
I soon notice that it wasn’t her eyes that captivated me, it was her whole body. She was like a light bulb compared to the rest of the ponies residing in the bar. I don’t know what I find beautiful about her and I’m too distracted by it to think about it too hard. Could it possibly be that I am falling in love yet again? Does my body never learn how to act proper!? I’m in love with this mare and I haven’t even learned her name yet! No, I mustn’t be in love, for love is just an excuse for physical pleasure!
“Hey! Anypony there?” she snaps. How foolish, I was too distracted by my thoughts to realize she was communicating with me.
“Oh, sorry, I zoned out there.” I reply, sounding like an ass. She coughed up a chuckle and rolled her eyes jokingly.
“I like you! Name’s Berry Punch.” She introduced as she held out her hoof.
“Lyra Heartstrings.” I respond, reaching out to shake her hoof. For some reason, the simple hoofshake feels as though I was shaking a hoof of a goddess. It feels… unreal.
Then, all of a sudden, I hear metal sliding against something and a scream of terror and pain. However, I don’t flinch, and neither does anypony else. There’s no horrified faces, no gasps, and no chaos. Everything remains as it is. As I let go of her hoof, the screaming stops and the sound of gulps and laughter returns to my ears.
I’m not sure exactly what that was, nor do I know what to think of it. Currently, the only matter I can concentrate on is the one at hoof, which to my idiotic mind is more important.
Suddenly, something distracts me. It was something I hoped wouldn’t have happened tonight; Bon Bon. She walks into the bar alone, looking around to the left and right, as if searching for something. My heart begins to beat incredibly quick as I shift my attention back to my new friend to act as though I don’t see her, yet keeping her in the corner of my eye.
“So, Lyra, what do you say you stay with me tonight?” She proposes to me suddenly. Nearly all of my attention that was focused on Bon Bon shifts to Berry out of surprise.
“Wait, what? Why?” I nearly exclaim. That loud voice catches Bon Bon’s attention. As soon as she sees me, she puts on a horrified expression. I can tell that her emotions aren't directed toward me specifically, oddly enough. She is scared of something, but of what is a mystery to me.
“You’re a good gal! I can’t just leave somepony like you on the streets! Stay with me until you get all fixed up. I’m happy to help!” Berry says with a gigantic grin on her sunshiny face. Bon Bon twitches as I believe she overhears what Berry said and runs out the door as silent as a mouse. Yes, run! RUN! Run away from me, you cowardly whore! I hope she runs into a manticore and gets gored all over the streets of Manehatten. Yes, yes... that's a wonderful thought.
Now that my insulting thoughts have been cleared, it is time to answer Berry’s question. However, there lies the problem with what to answer with. I start to think of the positive and negative ways this could go about, however, before I know it, I answer her.
“That… uhh… sounds great!” I respond happily. What am I thinking!? I simply cannot believe I said that to somepony I barely know! It’s as if I am in no control of my actions whatsoever! In fact, I’m not, that demon that Bon Bon released is. Lyra Heartstrings’ soul is trapped, and that demon that controls her body is now trying to rid her of this world forever.
“Awesome! Don’t worry, I don’t have a roommate or anything annoying like that.” She jokes. “But I must warn you, it’s very… messy.”
Messiness has always bothered me, but for some reason, right now, I don’t feel annoyed. I feel excited, as if my body is rushing me to go to her house. It’s telling me: cut the crap, just go!
“Oh, uh… ok!” I respond, acting like an idiot. What else could I say? There’s nearly nothing to say, yet so much to do. Actions speak louder than words do in some cases and this is a prime example of when it does.
“Well, what are we doing standing around here? Let’s head back to my place, it’s getting late and you’ve had a rather long day.” Berry says as she begins to slide out of the booth. Rather long day? She has NO idea what my life has been like today. To her, it’s but a jail release, but to me, it’s the start of a new life; a new life of social hell.
I begin to scoot out of the booth to follow Berry out when a reckless, drunk mare knocks over a glass napkin holder onto the floor. It shatters, making me back up into the booth once more for safety. Napkins are scattered across the floor as the bartender sighs and yells for the custodian to come sweep up the mess.
“Augh, some ponies, I swear. Be careful stepping over that, Lyra.” Berry cautions me.
Suddenly, time slows yet again as I hop over the mess. I’m looking down at the mess when I see something peculiar within the napkin bunch. As my eyes scan the mess, I notice about half way across the mess that something red lies within the white mess. As I travel farther and farther across the gap, I finally make it out. Written messily in red on a buried napkin is a soul-piercing happy face.
Time returns to normal as my heart begins to beat exceedingly fast. As I land on the other side of the mess, I act as normal as I can around the crowd, not attempting to attract any attention. I’m standing as still as a Canterlot statue, trying to process what I have just seen.
“Lyra! Stop zoning out like that! C’mon!” Berry snaps, releasing me from my frozen trance. I begin to walk by her side out the door, looking back to see the custodian sweeping up the mess on the floor into a trash can.
