00J: Donut Joe in...Goldhoof

00J: Goldhoof

By Stratocaster

Chapter 1: Mane...Con Mane

The harbor was silent as Luna's moon hung in the night sky. But all was not at peace in the Baltimare pier. Tied to a lonely wharf, a rusty old trawler was being loaded with cargo by three shifty characters. It was none other than the devious Diamond Dogs, who busied themselves with hauling their all important stash.

"Hurry up, you mangy muts!" seethed Fido, as he stood aside the other two. "We don't have all night. We gotta get this shipment out by morning."

"Well, in case you haven't noticed," replied Rover under strain. "It's a little difficult lifting crates full of gems!"

"Yeah," added Spot. "A little help would be appreciated."

"Just keep pushing you idiots!" barked Fido.

After several more crates being stowed away below deck, the dogs readied their vessel to set sail.

"Alright, that's all of them." Fido said.

"Wait, boss," replied Spot. "What do we do about our...prisoner?"

"Eh, go rough him up a bit. See how much he knows he knows."

"I don't know," said Rover. "That pony is no joke. I hear he's one of the best spies in Equestria."

"Well he's not gonna get the word out on our stash." Fido left his companions to head below deck. "I think I'll go give him a piece of my paw."

He climbed down the gangway and walked through the dank corridor under the deck of the old boat. Fido then reached a metal door further down the hall and turned the lock opening it with a clank. Before stepping in, he surveyed the dim empty room that was once used as a freezer. Across the small cargohold on the other side was a simple wooden chair, but with nopony sitting on it. Fido began to fee suspicious and cautiously stepped through the doorway. But before he could fully enter, his face was met with an unexpected hoof swinging from the side. The punch knocked Fido into a daze as he immediately collapsed and passed out.

As the fainted dog lay like a husk on the cold floor, his asailent stepped out of the freezer. A tan unicorn stallion, complete in a tuxedo, slicked his brown mane back and looked down at the mut discerningly.

"You call this a pleasure cruise?" mocked Joe, as he adjusted his bowtie. "The accomodations are atrocious."

Free at last, Joe tiphoofed down the metal corridor, keeping flat against the wall. Sneaking along, he soon found another metal door labeled 'NOTHING HERE'. Joe confirmed his target and began work.

He attempted to turn the wheel on the door, but it would not budge as it was somehow locked. It was time for plan B. Looking to the left and the right for any more baddies, Joe stepped back and pointed his left hoof at the sealed door. With a click of a button on his watch, a thin beam of red light instantly shot out and sizzled against the door with a hiss. Slowly, he made a circle with the laser, cutting a hole in the door big enough for him to fit through. The hole was finally completed, and the removed piece of the door fell with a clang. Joe cringed, fearing he had already made too much noise; he had to work quickly.

He squezed through the makeshift entrance and set his sights on what he had come for. The small room was full of crates, but only one was foolishly marked with a black X. Joe stepped up to the crate and picked up a crowbar to peel the top off. Cringing again at the amount of noise, he looked inside at the motherlode. The crate was filled to the brim with shimmering gemstones, all of different colors, sizes and cuts; but they were not what Joe was looking for. He reached his hooves down and dug through the priceless jewels until he felt something different. He then pulled the hidden object out from the crate and analyzed it; it was a clear cylindrical container used in mail tubes. Joe turned the container until he found the text on the paper inside, which read 'Canter Castle Bank Vault Code' with 'TOP SECRET' stamped in red over it. With a sly grin, Joe replaced the top back on the crate and read more from the paper.

"Hold it right there, pony boy!"

Joe snapped around at the raspy voice. Standing in front of the burned out hole was Rover with a menacing scowl. The beady eyed dog beat his fist into his paw as he stared down the intruder. Joe darted his eyes, planning his next move; then, he smirked again. He then turned back around and suddenly hurled the mail container out the porthole on the wall, smashing the glass. Rover stared bugeyed as the parcel made a splash outside.

"You fool!" he growled and lunged at his foe with a swinging fist.

But Joe saw the punch coming and turned to swat the paw away with a block. Then he landed a punch to the face with his left hoof. Rover stumbled backwards, then snarled again as he began swiping madly at the stallion. Joe managed to swerve to and fro, dodging him completely. With the mangy dog now exposed, Joe kicked a knee into his stomach, then hammered a hoof onto his back, making him collapse to the floor with a thud. After one more kick to the muzzle, Joe finally knocked Rover out cold; but his habit of hiding his tracks forced him to lift the dog's body and stuff him inside the opened crate of gems. He closed the top and walked out into the corridor again.

"I didn't know jewels were a dog's best friend." Joe muttered to himself.

At that point, as he sneaked down the hall, Joe was sure that he would make it off this tub with the information he had come for. But his hopes were quickly dampened by the sound of a loud roar from below. The roar suddenly grew into a steady clanking hum; Joe knew that the engine was starting and this boat was underway.

Disregarding the noise of his hooves against the metal floor, he cantered off down the corridor and up the gangway that led to the top deck. But upon reaching the top, he immediately saw the dock dissapear in the distance, as the boat chugged away through the moonlit harbor. Joe exhaled quickly and prepared himself for a cold swim. But his concentration was broken as he was pulled back and thrown down to the deck. He grunted and looked up at his attacker.

"Oh come on." He sulked.

Fido smiled deviously. "It's gonna take a lot more than that to stop me!"

Just then, Joe was pinned down by two more unknown paws. Spot picked him up and held him still, as Fido prepared for an easy beating. But as the bulky dog reared his fist back, Joe quickly spun a one-eighty, dangling Spot off his shoulders and leaving him to take the punch. With the ratty mut now weakened in grip, Joe grabbed his paws and threw Spot over his head and into the wall of the wheelhouse; an emergency kit fell open and toppled over his head as he lay.

Suddenly, Joe was lifted into the air as Fido grabbed him and held him over his head. He writhed trying to free himself from the hulking dog's grasp, but, as always, remembered plan B. Joe stretched his hoof downward and aimed his watch at Fido's tail. He clicked the button on the watch, sending the hot red beam shooting into the exposed tail with a sizzle. Immediately, Fido yelped and dropped Joe on the deck, before running in circles and grabbing his scorched tail.

Joe saw his chance at jumping overboard and making his getaway. But before he could break for the water, he heard a cackling laugh from where Spot landed. He looked to see the sniveling dog lying on the deck and pointing a flare gun straight at him.

"You're goin' out with a bang!" chuckled Spot.

Joe narrowed his eyes and thought fast. He looked back at Fido, who was now sitting on the deck pathetically blowing out his tail, and reached for his neck. In one fell swoop, he snatched Fido's collar and hurled it towards Spot. The weight of the gem on the collar hit Spot on the paw, causing him to fire the flare into the sky. The two dogs and one pony looked up to see the tiny rocket fly in eratic circles over the boar, due to the trajectory of the gun. Then, they watched as the flare pointed downwards and zoomed straight toward the boat itself. In a split second, Joe sprang and launched himself off the edge of the boat, after seeing the crazed rocket shoot down the smokestack.

"Oh crap." Fido uttered at the last second before the blast.

A freak explosion from the engine room erupted from the boat's deck, causing it to go up in flames with a deafening boom. In mere seconds, the old vessel began to sink below the darkened water as it was encased in flames. Nearby, Joe's head burst from the water's surface as he gasped for breath. He turned around and watched the blazing trawler dissapear below the water, before paddling towards the nearest land.

Eventually, he found a small beachhead where the hushed tide lapped gently over the sand. Joe walked upon the beach and shook off the cold water from his soaked mane and tux. Then, he made his way across the sand over to his target in waiting. A few yards away was a young mare lying on her back upon the sand and looking quite relaxed in her two piece bathing suit. She looked at Joe seductively as he straightened up and walked over towards her.

"What took you so long?" asked Bon Bon, stroking her side.

Joe knelt down and responded with a smile. "Just going for a midnight swim, darling. You know how hard I work."

"Oh come now, Mr. Mane." Bon Bon rubbed his cheek. "Are you going to keep me up all night?"

He raised a suave eyebrow. "Only if you want me to." Joe stared at his companion knowingly as he prepared to ravish her.

But the mood was killed by the sound of pained moaning coming from down by the wake. Joe looked to the side to see a shadow crawl out from the water. It was Spot, now covered in burns and bruises. Joe gave Bon Bon a wink and got up.

"One moment, dear."

He walked down the beachhead and towered over the pathetic mut, who only looked up at him with traumatized eyes.

"Who...who are you?!" quivered Spot.

Joe adjusted one of his shirt cuffs before readying a final punch. "The name's Mane...Con Mane."