00J: Donut Joe in...Goldhoof

Chapter 2: EI6

Joe whistled a tune as he scrubbed the counter the next morning. It was a clear day in Ponyville as his donut shop was seeing good business from his usual customers. On a table close by sat the Elements of Harmony enjoying and chatting over a delectable breakfast. Pinkie Pie spoke with a mouthful of jelly donut.

"Mm mm! Joe, I've said it before and I'll say it again," she spewed crumbs. "You make the best donuts in Equestria!"

Joe chuckled. "Ah, you give me too much credit, Pinkie. I couldn't do it without my best customers bringing in business. Especially you, Twilight; ever since you moved here, you and Spike have been my most frequent customers."

"Well, I couldn't start the day without one of your Prench crullers and a nice coffee." Twilight smiled.

Joe then turned to the other unicorn of the group. "Uh, Rarity, have you decided yet?"

Rarity stood at the counter looking at the display dishes in the glass. "Hmm, I should really should be watching my figure." She said, staring unsure at the Poston cream. Then she smiled with a flick of her hoof. "Oh who cares? I'll take three!...and a mocha latte...with extra cream."

"Coming right up." Joe answered.

Applejack munched happily. "Mm! Lansanks, Joe, these apple fritters might be just as good as Granny Smith's."

"I know, right?" replied Pinkie. "It's hard to believe that a secret agent could make such great pastries."

"Secret agent?" queried Applejack.

"Oh no, not this again." Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes, and put down her chocolate glazed. "Pinkie, for the last time, Joe is not a secret agent."

"Wait, is this about that whole mystery on the dessert train?" asked Twilight. "Pinkie, I thought we established that Joe was innocent."

"Um, DUH, I know that, Twilight." Pinkie retorted. "But I still say he's Agent 00J, a.k.a. Con Mane!"

"Pinkie, we keep tellin' ya," sulked Applejack. "There is no way that Joe is Con Mane."

"Um, yeah, I kind of agree." Fluttershy chimed in. "I mean, Joe doesn't exactly look like Con Mane, really."

"Wait, how do ya know what Con Mane looks like?" Applejack asked her, suspiciously.

"Yeah, it sounds you think he's a real pony." Rainbow added.

"Oh, uh, I didn't say anything. Um, what I meant was, uh," Fluttershy muffled the rest of her sentence by shoving a chunk of powdered donut in her mouth. She darted her eyes as she awkwardly wiped the powder from her face.

"But it's true!" continued Pinkie. "I just know that they're the same pony!"

"Pinkie dear," said Rarity. "I don't see how a pastry chef could possibly be a secret agent. I'm sure Joe will tell you himself."

"She's right, Pinkie," spoke Joe. "I'm afraid the spy life is a little too exciting for me. I'm happy just to be serving the fine folks of Ponyville. But thanks for thinking I was actually that cool."

"See, Pinkie?" added Twilight. "You shouldn't be going on about wild beliefs. Thanks for breakfast, Joe, we'll take a box with us."

"Sure thing, Twilight, it's on the house." Joe placed a box of donuts on the counter giving it to her.

Pinkie narrowed her eyes. "Fine, don't believe me. But I know something about Joe that he won't tell you. And you're all just jealous of that."

"Whatever you say, sugarcube." Applejack said as she and the rest walked out of the bakery.

"Come back soon, ladies!" called Joe as they exited and waved back at him.

A few minutes passed as he waited alone for his next customer. Then, a mysterious black carriage rolled up outside, alerting his attention. A male pony exited the vehicle dressed in a black suit and tie with wraparound sunglasses. The pony approached the donut shop and entered.

"Mr. Mane, you're wanted for emergency briefing at EI6." He announced.

Joe darted his eyes in confusion. "Uh, what are you talking about? I think you have the wrong pony. My name is Joe. Can I get you a coffee or something?"

"Just follow me to the carriage, sir." The pony then returned to the black carriage outside.

"If you say so." Joe took off his apron and followed him to the buggy. As the pony opened the door for him, Joe muttered angrily to him. "If you're going to call me to the office, the least you can do is not blow my cover!" He then climbed in.

"Sorry, Mr. Mane." The pony replied as he closed the door.

For the next several minutes, Joe sat through a smooth ride to an undesclosed location. Irritated, he changed into a tuxedo waiting for him and neatly combed back his brown mane, as he wondered what was so important that he had to be summoned without any time to close up shop. It didn't make him feel better that the windows were tinted blocking any view of the world outside. Before long, he finally heard the carriage stop and the door was opened. Joe found himself walking through a parking garage and down the familiar concrete hallway. He passed through several doors each with a different security check; hoofprint recognition, eye scan identification, voice recognition, etc. Eventually, one finaly door stood in his path; an ordinary wooden door with no lock of any kind. Joe opened the familiar door and entered the cozy little office. Lined with wood panneling, the room featured warm lighting, a large bookcase and a couple cushiony chairs. Then, there was the mahogony desk with the cute little secretary sitting behind it. Joe smiled at the duckling yellow pegasus with the long pink mane.

"Oh hi, Con," she greeted, filing away random papers. "It's good to see you again."

"Likewise, Flutter Petty," winked Joe. "You look nice today, as usual."

"Oh um, thanks." She blushed. "Um, by the way, M wanted to see you as soon as you got here. It sounded important."

"I'll get right to it." He started toward the door on the other side of the office, but then stopped. "Flutter Petty, is there something you want to tell me?" he asked suspecting her shyness.

Flutter Petty twirled her mane nervously. "Well, Con, um, I was wondering, uh, if you would like to...go on a date sometime?"

"I'd love too, but I'm afraid I'm a bit swamped at the moment. Maybe some other time."

"Oh, okay," she looked down dejected. "Well, why don't you at least take a donut?" she pointed to a box on her desk. "I got it from Joe's in Ponyville. You'd really like him; he makes the best donuts."

"I'm sure I would." Joe then took a sprinkled donut from the box then made for the door. "Thanks, Flutter Petty. Stay beautiful, darling."

"Oh, I will." Flutter Petty smiled as he exited. She sighed after the door closed. "You don't know what you're missing, Con."

Joe then proceeded through a large round room that was the center of EI6. All around, there were anonymous ponies busying themselves with computer consoles and recording machines, while others scurried about with documents and mail tubes. A series of metal sliding doors lined the wall around the room; one labeled 'HANGAR' another 'ARMORY', 'RESEARCH', 'PSYCH WARD', 'CAFETERIA', etc. But Joe only focused on one door on the far side. Upon entering, he walked up a long staircase leading to yet another door labeled 'M'. He walked through, entering the personal office of his boss. M greeted him harshly.

"00J, where the hay have you been?!" scolded Mayor Mare, a.k.a. M, sitting at her desk.

"Sorry I'm late, M," replied Joe, calmly stepping up to her. "Just needed a bit of normality this morning."

"Don't give me that! I am FURIOUS about your performance last night in Baltimare!"

"Oh...that."

"Sinking an entire ship and making headlines is not how I expected you to carry out this mission. But more importantly, you lost valuable information! I could have you fired!"

"Relax, M, I memorized the code to the Princess's vault. Steel trap." He poked his head a little.

"Oh that's just great." M facehoofed. "Now we have to extract the imformation from your memory due to your carelessness. I swear, Mane, when will you stop being so reckless? This is not what I had in mind when you entered the Equestrian Secret Service."

"I think Princess Celestia herself would have something different to say." Joe cocked an eyebrow. "Considering her information is safe and sound."

"We'll just see about that when your memory is scrubbed after this meeting. Now listen up, Mane, there's a reason why I had you retrieve the code to the Canterlot Castle vault. It was to keep it from the eyes of this pony." M passed him a photograph. It depicted a middle aged stallion with a bright gold colored coat, white mane and a devious smile. His cutie mark was a brick of gold. "His name is Goldhoof, and he has become an enemy to the crown."

Joe stared at the photo curiously. "What's so bad about this old geezer?"

"We have evidence to believe that he is running his own underground smelting operation. This pony is obsessed with gold, and he will do just about anything to get his hooves on it; whether legal or not."

"So why hasn't the Royal Guard done anything about it?"

"Apparently he has friends in government trust organizations to keep his operation safe. So far, we have been unable to track him. But just yesterday, we received a tapped transmission that he is planning something far more sinister than an illegal gold foundry."

"I think I have a pretty good idea-"

"Shut up, let me say it! Goldhoof is planning on breaking into Canterlot Castle and stealing every ounce of gold from Princess Celestia's vault."

"...Wow, that is sinister."

"Mane, it is crucial that this matter is taken care of by Equestrian Intelligence. If the Royal Guard try to stop Goldhoof, it'll only cause an uproar and he'll go further into hiding. This is a mission that can only be assigned to a 00 agent. And that's where you come in, Con."

"So what do you expect me to do, M? Besides smuggle my way through a crate of gemstones?"

"I'll keep in mind of how fruitless that was. No, for this operation, you'll have to do some undercover work. Goldhoof has also mentioned in the tapped transmission that he is staying at the Wingdham Hotel in Los Pegasus tomorrow. I need you to find him and earn his trust, any way you can. It's important that you get any information from him about his alleged castle heist."

"Ah, I hate these undercover missions. There's not enough action."

"Well at least they help keep you out of trouble. This has to go off without a hitch, Mane. Princess Celestia keeps more than 200 billion bits in gold inside that vault; more than half of the gold reserve in all of Equestria. If Goldhoof finds a way to make off with it, it'll be economic catastrophe. I know this mission seems beyond the scope of your capabilities, but-"

"Now that's where you're wrong, M." Joe gave a sly grin. "No mission is beyond the scope of any of my capabilities. You made me a 00 agent and now I'm going to prove myself as one. When have I ever dissapointed you before?"

M simply gave him a dreary stare. "Just get going, 00J. T will be waiting for you in the lab."

"Whatever you say." He got up and made for the door.

"Oh, and Con..." said M.

He turned around before exiting.

"...Stop flirting with my secretary."

Joe smirked. "Seeya, Mom."

"And stop calling me that! That's not what the letter stands for!" M shouted after him as he left.

A few minutes later, Joe stood in a descending elevator to the basement level of the agency. It led him to a bustling laboratory where ponies in white jackets performing various scientific test, from rocket pods to the moon, to smokescreen pens, to mane growth serum. Joe walked passed the busy scientists up to the mare in charge; a lavender, purple maned unicorn who scorned her workers.

"No, no, NO!" scolded T. "That is not where we keep weapons grade lemon juice! Now we have to reorganize everything!"

"Still hard at work, T?" smiled Joe.

The brainiac turned around. "Ah, 00J, good to see you again. I trust the Baltimare mission went well?"

"Eh, somewhat. But I couldn't have done it without your handiwork." He held up the laser watch still on his wrist.

"Well, I always aim to please." T smiled humbly. "Sorry I'm a little high strung; I just had some coffee."

"Really? Where'd you get it?" he asked knowingly.

"Over at Donut Joe's. He makes the best donuts ever."

"I'll be sure to drop over sometime."

"Anyway, Con, I've been informed about your mission with this Goldhoof fellow. So I've taken the liberty of adding some new equipment to your person."

"You know me; I always love getting new toys."

T led Joe over to a table full of various gadgets. "Then I'm sure you'll love these. Take a look at this." She held up what looked like a simple polaroid camera. "This camera can zoom in up to three miles away, has lenses for X-ray, thermal, and night vision, and is built to be water and shock proof."

"What's this other lens for?" asked Joe.

"That's the kicker. Inside are tiny darts that will knock out an enemy for hours. Just set it for flash, and fire away." She put down the camera and picked up a black briefcase. "Now for closer combat, this briefcase will shoot two electrodes that will zap any unsuspecting enemy; all with a click of a trigger on the handle."

"How exactly am I going to hold a briefcase?"

"...Still working on that. Now for this little number." T then showed him a small metal ballpoint pen. "This may look like an ordinary pen. But twist the bottom, and the tip comes out. Click the top, and a distress signal will be sent to one of our rescue units to bail you out, giving you enough time to escape the pen before it explodes destroying anything in a quarter mile radius."

"What is it with you and pens, T?"

"What can I say? I like to write. Now for your favorite part of visitng me. Step over to the garage."

T then took Joe over to the entryway of a tunnel. As if on cue, something came rolling out from the tunnel. T smiled proudly pointing to the stylish silver pony drawn carriage.

"00J, I give you your wheels. The Canterlac Manticore M-600 is capable of reaching 210 miles per hour, can turn on a dime, and comes with blast proof armoring."

"Now we're talking. Canterlac always makes the best rides." Joe replied.

"But there's more. You'll find hidden projectile rockets on the front, mines and spikes in the back, and even a cloaking mechanism that will turn you completely invisible. Yup, the Manticore is truly state of the art."

"And who are these two, pulling it?"

"Oh, that's just Caramel and Lucky. I hired them to pull the carriage."

Caramel looked at Lucky discerningly. "Why do we keep doing this?"

Lucky shook his head. "I don't know. I just don't know."

"Well I must say, T, you've really outdone yourself once again. Where would I be without you?"

T flicked her hoof. "Well, just make sure you return it all in one piece. It wasn't cheap to engineer."

Joe gave a cocky smile. "Trust me. Now, if you don't mind, I'd to take this baby out for a spin."

"The keys are in the ignition, Con." T returned his smile.

"What the hay is she talking about?" Lucky asked Caramel.

"Just go with it. She said we're doing it for Rarity." Caramel replied.