Episode 17: Rarity on the Daily Show

When Jon and Lotus entered through the far off door they were greeted by a small room populated by both Rarity and Aloe. In the middle of the small enclosure were two portable massage tables one of which was currently being used by Rarity, though were it not for Jon having seen her walk in there first hand he might not have recognized her since her head was planted face down.

The room was pitch black with the only form of illumination being a few candles spread out in even distributions for an equal spread of light. There were some, though not many, candles next to the massage tables but it was only when she starting to speak did Jon know for sure he was looking at Rarity.

“There you are, darling!” She exclaimed in a most inviting tone. “We’ve been waiting for you, haven’t we Aloe.”

“Indeed we have,” Aloe said, her attention now on her sister. “Is everything alright, Lotus?”

“Indeed they are sister. Me and Mr. Stewart were just... getting better acquainted.” Lotus explained. “In fact why don’t we switch guests for a moment... I’m sure you would like to get to know our esteemed guest.”

“Why this is a wonderful idea!” Aloe announced at the two sister traded customers like they were baseball cards. “And what better way than with our next treatment, no?”

“Riiiight... so what exactly is that you’re going to do to me?” Jon asked, skeptical that whatever it was, it would leave him with a bad taste in his mouth. "Some big guy named Sven isn't going to break my back in half or anything like that right?"

“Oh Jonathan do stop making that face; you just got it done.” Rarity demanded in a playful tone. “We’re simply getting getting body massages next... I assure you afterwards you’ll feel like... like a new man.”

For all of Jon’s complaining and objections for this little excursion even he had to admit that the thought of a good ol’ fashioned massage sounded rather tempting. As Jon grew older one of the first things to go, besides his eyesight, was his back. Not only couldn’t he touch his toes, but unless he slept a certain way he would wake up in pain.

The only relief he ever got was from his wife who would, on occasion, rub or walk on his back for relief. And for today, having been subjected to sitting in furniture too small to sit properly in, he was mentally, and physically, in the right mindset for a back rub.

“Alright, what the hell, let’s do this!” Jon announced as he laid face down on the table which had an opening on it’s end for him to put his face in. “Lord knows my back could use a good readjusting right now.”

“Now that’s the Jonathan Stewart I’ve come to respect!” Rarity complemented. “I don’t normally say this but... it is so on! Aloe and Lotus are the best when it comes to physical therapy. Isn’t that right gals?”

Both sisters agree and with that they took their respective positions. Lotus started right away on Rarity while Aloe had to deal with Jon’s inexperience of what was expected of him at the moment.

“Before we begin Mr. Stewart I must advise that you remove your bathrobe.” Aloe whispered. “It wouldn’t be much of a massage if you still had your clothing, am I correct?”

Normally this would be the part where Jon would raise his hand in protest, but her point was valid enough that Jon obliged. He had gotten this far already so they way he saw it there was no turning back now.

“Alright fine,” Jon lifted his shoulders to slid his arms out of each sleeve. “But if vice busts in here to raid the place, I want it on paper that I didn’t put a check on the box that said ‘happy ending.’”

Making sure that his robe didn’t go below his waist, Jon’s back was now completely exposed. Like with the other treatments Rarity’s, being the most experienced of the two guests, was first to have her treatment begin. A treatment which she didn’t have any trouble vocalizing.

“Now then while we’re here I feel as though I should mention that as well as the most sophisticated mare of my group of friends I alone am the most-- OH!” She shrieked as Lotus began to work her hooves into her back. “Oooooh my yes! T-that’s the spot! O-o-oooh my! O-o-oooh yes, YES, YES! RIGHT THERE! HARDER, HARDER! Ooooooooooooooooooooooooh Lotus you have magic hooves!”

Rarity was so loud in her demands for further satisfaction that not even the Mane Manager 2000’s deafening technology would’ve been able to keep Jon from overhearing her. He tried not to gawk at her, but it was difficult with her making noises that one usually only heard from behind closed doors. As lotus applied more pressure onto the purple haired unicorn’s back, she glanced over at Jon at shot him a wink.

“So this is what you meant by ‘she won’t be discussing any business.’” Jon said under his breath as Rarity continued to voice her pleasure. Planting his head back into the headrest Jon tried speaking over Rarity’s moaning. “Hey Aloe, hows-a-bout sending some of that good feelings my way huh?”

“U-um... y-yes, yes of course.” Aloe assured him as she hovered her hooves over his back. Like before Rarity was the first to enjoy the treatment provided; the main reason this time around, besides being the first to arrive at the treatment station, was because Aloe was not eager to touch Jon’s back. While Both Aloe and Lotus were masters in their field, up until now they had never worked on a human before.

With unsure eyes she scanned Jon’s back like it was the map to a foreign town written in a language she couldn't read. She had worked on countless ponies before and knew exactly where, and how much pressure to apply. She knew exactly what pressure points to focus on to make someone lose the feelings in their leg or what spot would make a Pegasus’ wings perk up. It had gotten to the point in her career that she she could massage a pony blindfolded and, if they were a regular, knew exactly which spot needed the most work.

But Jon was no pony; Aloe didn’t even know where to begin.

“Hey Aloe?” He called out over Rarity begging Lotus to go harder and lower. “You still with me over there?”

“O-of course!” She blurted, having been snapped out of her trance like state. “Let me just... alright I’m... ready to begin!”

Placing both hooves on Jon’s back she slightly shuttered at the how his bare flesh felt on her hooves. It wasn’t a disgusting or uncomfortable feeling for her, it just felt much different than a pony’s coat of fur. From here Aloe didn’t know exactly how to proceed, so with a deep breathe and eyes closed she began to rub Jon’s back while trying to imagine that it was actually some pony she knew.

The results: absolute suffering.

Going into this Jon knew that when it came to massaging that there were, at times, a small degree of pain, especially with one as old as he was. But any moments of comfort to be had here were too few and too far apart to the point where they were nonexistent. At first Jon endured the sharp spikes of pain on the assumption that it would get better later, but it never did; he could stay silent no longer.

“Okay wait what are yo-- OUCH! THE HURT! Wait! Try not to-- JESUS FUCKING CHR-- YEOWCH!” Jon yelled causing everyone in the room, except Rarity who was too deep in a euphoric spell, to take notice. “Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Please don’t go-- AAAAHHHHHH! FUCK! DAMMIT IT ALL TO HELL!”

Had the massage room been closer to the waiting room some of the ponies waiting their turn might’ve left on the assumption that someone was being murdered. The more Aloe tried to work her magic the more Jon suffered. Fueled by the urge to salvage this mess Aloe began to desperately rub her hooves all over Jon’s back in random spots, in no particular direction or intervals, and with different degrees of pressure in the hopes that maybe she’d get things right eventually. It only made things worse.

“OW! Ah you-- Fuck wait please sto-- ack! W-w-w-w-wait why don’t you-- OW! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! Oh god help me!” He begged as Aloe switched techniques foolishly starting moving downwards to his lower back. “J-j-just a second Aloe I don’t think... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”

After letting out a scream that would usually be reserved for those being tortured Jon arched himself back in pain only to fall back forward like he had lost the will to go on. The session continued for Rarity, who was so deep in relaxation that she didn't hear any of what had happened. By now she enjoying her hooves being rubbed by Lotus who got a glimpse of her sister sitting in the corner like she was in trouble. She dared not touch Jon less she cause him any more pain.

“I’m so sorry.” Aloe whispered to him with sad eyes.

“It’s alright.” He said in a very placid tone. “Least now I know what it’s like to be trampled over.”

Using the world “trampled” to describe a routine massage session did very little to boost Aloe’s self esteem. Seeing that her sister was in distress over the situation, Lotus offered an alternative.

“Sister, why don’t you take our guest over to the bathing house?” She offered. “I still have a few more spots to work on madam Rarity and I’m sure our guest would enjoy its accommodations.”

Aloe looked at both Jon and Rarity for a comparison, and while the fancy Unicorn looked like she had died and gone to heaven, her human companion just looked plain dead.

“A-an excellent idea!” Aloe said as she jumped down from her seat. “Come now Mr. Stewart, I’m sure a nice refreshing bath will do you wonders!”

“Yeah, okay I’m going... you got a forklift.” He groaned while still firmly planted on the table. He didn’t expect her to answer so he decided to alter his inquiry to an even more unrealistic request. “Actually, I don’t suppose you have any swim trunks that could fit me or any other kind of outfit do you?”

Without even bothering to answer his obviously sarcastic question Aloe helped Jon to get up from the table; both were unaware of the fact that Jon had said the magic word.

"Did somepony say outfit?" Rarity asked in a muffled tone since her head was still down. Barely two feet to the door Jon's attention was now on his future guest and what she had just fished out of her bag which was laying beside her bed. "Here you are, darling."

Looking over everyone in the room could now see that she had in her possession a pair of swim trunks complete with an adjustable waist line and inner nettings. The fabric was the type one would expect to see for water exposure and there was a little sewn on insignia at the hip with Rarity’s face and initials.

As surprised as he was this time Jon didn’t even bother asking when she had the time to make this so to help get things over with he graciously accepted her gift.

“Thanks.” He said as he promptly slipped on the perfectly fitted swimwear, which incidentally was also pink, one leg at a time.

Now that he was properly covered he undid his bathroom and swung it over his shoulder. Seeing that he was ready Aloe opened the door to the rest of the building and motioned for him to follow.

“Okay, I’ll be back Rarity.” Jon called out as he passed the threshold. “If I don’t make it, tell my wife she can’t remarry.”

Jon couldn’t see if she would even gesture back at him. He was too focused on shuffling his way across the room, following Aloe who was walking much too fast to keep up with. He might’ve been able to catch up but he was walking at a brisk pace as to not aggravate his already throbbing back.

Eventually the two stopped at two doors separated by a series of purple and pink striped pillars. One door had a figure of a pink pony on it while the other a blue one. Jon could infer from this that one was for colts while the other for mares.

“Well, here we are.” Aloe said. “Behind this door is a wide array of bath treatments and even a sauna.”.

“I see” Jon responded, as he rubbed his still aching back. “Out of curiosity will... I’m not going to bump into Rarity or you and your sister while I’m in here will I?”

“No, mares aren’t allowed in this part of the bathhouse. Plus me and my sister are scheduled to give Madam Rarity a seaweed wrap after this.” She answered. “If you would like we could skip the bath house and you can have one as well... however we may only have seaweed left to cover half of your body.”

“NO, NO, NO that’s fine!” Jon urged. “I think I’ll just stay here for the rest of my stay!”

“Very good,” she said. “If you need anything from us please don’t hesitate to come find us.”

Jon watched as Aloe walked away back to the room that Jon had previously left, presumably to help her sister finish Rarity’s massage session. The second the door closed and she was out of sight Jon let out a huge sigh of relief. A part of him wanted to skip out of his spa date and head back home.

He quickly turned down the idea since for one it would have been incredibly rude to his future guest and because as much as this day hadn't gone his way he had to admit, again, the idea of a bathhouse sounded nice.

Not just because since the men and women were segregated, so he was guaranteed to not run into Rarity or the Spa twins as he wanted to be alone, but because he knew a bathhouse had to have a jacuzzi, something which would be just the trick for his still sore back.

“Alright, here goes nothing.” Jon thought as he entered through the door marked for colts and wound up in an entirely new world.

Unlike the rest of the spa this new location was much more organic by comparison. There were virtually no machines to be seen except for the occasional speaker which funneled smooth sounded music throughout the rooms. However much like the rest of the treatment centers things were somewhat densely packed but never lacking in variety. Jon could see a pool on one side and some designated shower stations on the other. But no jacuzzis as far as he could see.

Oddly enough there weren’t many ponies in attendance; as a matter of fact Jon could see none, but from the sound of faucets being turned on he knew that they were out there. His assumption was that maybe the bathhouse wasn’t as popular the rest of the spa, but in truth it was because, like everywhere else in Equestria, there are more females than males.

The floor in this new environment was wet so Jon carefully walked forward while keeping an eye out for anyone that could direct him to where he wanted to be. He passed the pool, the feet soaking stations, the shower heads and the smoothie bar. He didn’t need a swim, a shower, or a drink, all he wanted was to soak in a tub of hot water.

Eventually he found something, something that somewhat resembled what he was looking for. It was a rectangular tub built into the ground with a few other similar ones next to it in a row. They certainly looked small enough to be considered a jacuzzi, but each of them were empty.

“Huh?” Jon thought. “I wonder what this is.”

Carefully he stepped into one of them and slowly lowered himself in. It was large for a pony but for Jon he had to slightly hug his knees to fit properly. Looking in all direction Jon tried to see if there was some kind of device that when activated would fill the tub with the life giving water he so desperately wanted, but none could be found at first glance.

It was only when Jon looked over his shoulder at the long stretch of counter attacked to a nearby wall did he see something that might help him. On top of the counter, in front of a mirror, there was a button a button with a logo over it in the shape of the tub Jon was currently in.

“Bingo!” Jon grunted. Without even having to get up he leaned back to press the button whereupon there was the sound of something activinging.

With giddy anticipation Jon waiting for the steaming hot water to rise. He may not have been able to fit in the tub completely, but it was enough to get the job done. Pressing his knees closer to his chest and arching himself back so his back would get most of the water Jon anxiously prepared himself; but still nothing happened.

Though nothing was happening he could still hear the sound of something occurring nearby. It was an odd sound, slightly out of place but whatever it was it was getting louder as time passed. So he decided to wait it out a bit longer, though if he’d been paying attention he would’ve noticed that the sound wasn’t coming from below him.

When no water appeared for almost two whole minutes he made plans to get up and observe the button he pressed on the off chance that maybe he did something wrong. He was moments away from getting up when he felt something land on his head. Living in New York he was lucky enough to know what it felt like to have some pigeon do his business on you from on high and this felt remarkably similar.

Out of curiosity he felt the top of his head to see what it was. He found what it was and without hesitation scooped it up with his fingers so he could observe what had hit him. It was a wet and slimy brown substance with bits of chunks in it. Jon didn’t have to be an expert in cosmetic beautification to know what this was.

“Mud?” Jon thought as he looked upwards. It was then that his eyes caught something that horrified him. Above his head was some kind of funneling system connected at where the ceiling and wall met but didn’t notice till now since he activated it.

“Oh no.” He said. “Not again.”

This system, unknown to him at the time, was to be activated while no one was occupying the tub, only before. But for Jon it was too late, before he even got the chance to get up whatever mechanism he just activated was now dumping a steady flow of watered down dirt all over him like a turkey on Thanksgiving being drenched in gravy.

“A mudbath.” Jon sighed as his face and once cleaned hair was being covered by the stuff. “Now if there was ever an oxymoron.”

Accepting his filthy fate Jon just sat there as more and more mud sloshed it’s way onto his head, over his face and eventually to the rest of his body. Thankfully since the tub itself was meant for a pony, it was small in volume, so there wasn’t that much mud being drenched on him, but there was just enough to make it so he couldn’t just wipe it away; now he really did need to take a shower.

As if he wanted to take his defeat in it’s entirety Jon waited till every last bit of mud was properly emptied over his head, whereupon he got up, brushed off as many globs of sludge as he could back into the tub. Slowly he turned his sights to the far end of the room where he had passed the sectioned off shower sections. Moving carefully he made a beeline for the nearest shower head, it was during this walk of shame that a pair of stallions entered the enclosure.

Their conversation cut short by the sight of a mud covered human dragging a pink robe as he went for the shower section. For all they knew this was some kind of swamp monster so naturally neither of them knew what to say, but Jon did not share their hesitation.

“Don’t ask.” He demanded as he threw his pink robe just outside of one the many public showers. With a face that seemed to carry with it no expression Jon randomly fiddled with the nozzles till water poured on him. He didn’t really care what temperature it was he just wanted the mud off of him.

About the only good luck to be had here was that he managed to make the water at a soothing temperature; not too hot, but just enough that it at least felt like a jacuzzi. The steam eventually fogged up the semi-see-through glass that surrounded the shower station, making it so the two ponies, and anyone else, that came in wouldn't be able to see him.

Jon spent his time in the shower the way he did back at home; pressed up against the side of the screen allowing his mind flow as freely as the water which dulled his sense, making especially sure that the hot water was flowing on his back more than anywhere else. As his previous pain began to slowly melt away he too felt like he was starting to go. Jon had to use all his strength to not pass out right there and then,

Though after some unaccounted time had passed Jon eventually turned off the shower, sensing that perhaps he was starting to get too relaxed. He hated this next part so with great hesitation he stepped back out into the cold bath house.

With hands that shivered with every second spent outside in the cold, Jon picked up his pink robe and quickly threw it over his shoulder, placed his hands back in the sleeves and tied it shut around his waist. He took back every reservation he ever had for it; he was now extremely thankful to have something warm to dry himself off with.

Now that Jon was back outside he began to notice that more and more stallions were starting to enter the area, so to try and avoid any possible unwanted distraction he ventured further into the forest of shower stations that was the designated cleansing station. As he moved in deeper he found that not every shower station were identical as their counterpart. Some had different settings and at one point, Jon noticed that he missed an opportunity to occupy one that had more than one shower head.

Still, after taking a turn through what he thought was an exit, he emerged to find himself in a new area which had what looked like a log cabin like structure in the center. It looked slightly out of place, like this was once a museum and this small house was an exhibit.  Driven by his curiosity yet again Jon walked up to it to see what it was. The large wooden box with no windows and one door had a sign on it which read “Sauna” in cursive so neat he wasn’t entirely sure if it was handwritten or not.

“Well now,” he thought. “This might be nice.” In his head he debated whether or not to enter but soon his mind was made up for him when he heard noises coming from behind him that sounded like someone coming; the last thing he wanted was to explain his story as to why he was here all over again. With that assumption still fresh in his mind Jon threw caution to the wind and opened the door which was almost as big as he himself, although he still felt the need to duck just in case.

At first, Jon couldn’t not see anything because of all the steam he had just let escape, but soon his eyes adjusted as the mist dissipated revealing an all wood paneled box of a room complete with benches, a place to safely hold water on one side and burning coal in the other. But all of these rustic accommodations isn’t what Jon’s got attention, but rather it was the dozen pair of eyes now trained directly on him.

Out of the frying pan into the fire with roughly the same temperature.

Jon wasn’t expecting this sudden audience so about all he could do was stare while the many stallions were looking right back at him. Jon was preoccupied with finding an unoccupied spot he could sit in.

The sound of the door slamming behind him caused Jon to move forward and sit in the first available spot he could find, right between a blue Unicorn and a brown Earthpony. The entire time between Jon entering the sauna and him finding a spot to sit down was spent by the present ponies just glaring at him. Had this been on any other occasion Jon would assume it would be because of his effeminate attire, but in this case it was obviously due to the fact that he was both a human and a celebrity.

It would seem that the residents of Ponyville respected Jon enough that they decided to not bother him during his apparent vacation. It would also seem that the unspoken guy code of not talking to each other while in a situation like this was being upheld even now, but that still didn’t stop anyone present from their continued gawking.

It made him feel uneasy yes, but since he had felt this way about most of what took place on this day it felt almost common place, leaving him to reflect on the irony that was his getting used to feeling uncomfortable at a spa. And yet he still felt uneasy.

This unwanted attention was something that he thought wouldn't bother him, but to have it occur in this setting just added an entire new layer of unsettling on top of it all. For example none of the ponies sitting around him were wearing any form of covering, thus they were completely exposed. And while it’s true that he wasn’t at all bothered about the subject of nudity (least of all animals whom he always saw naked) it was still more of a pony than he wanted to see. Case in point; from where Jon sat he could tell that none of the ponies present were Jewish.

With a sigh Jon leaned forward, used the tools provided to scoop some water and splashed it over the collection of hot coals to make mist fill the room, as if by doing so no one could see anything but white fog. It was so misty and not at all visible that Jon didn’t even notice when a pony would leave the room; though a bigger reason for this was that he kept his eyes closed the entire time.

By sheer coincidence Jon was the last person that left in the sauna when a helper pony rang a bell to indicate that it was closing time at the bathhouse. Only a few members still remained in the area, including Jon, but they were all promptly herded out by staff hands nonetheless. The rest of the Spa was still open for some time since this particular enclosure was only open for a few hours at a time.

His refusal to leave the sauna was eventually discovered by a helpful working pony who knocked on the sauna door and informing him that he had to leave. Which he did, dragging his feet along the way.

Jon was the last to leave the bathhouse; if he had his way he’d stay longer and would only leave once he was forced out kicking and screaming. But for the sake of keeping appearance he did leave, and when he did he was greeted by a pair of familiar faces waiting for him a few feet away from the enclosure’s entrance.

“We meet once again Mr. Stewart.” Lotus smiled, ignorant of how lewd it looked for her and her sister to be waiting just outside the colt’s entrance. “Tell us, did you...”

“... Enjoy your time in our world renowned bathhouse?” Aloe added. “We hope it was to your liking.”

Before answering Jon rubbed his face with his hands and probably began to stretch his arms like he was trying to grab something behind him.

“Yes, yes it was actually.” Jon admitted in a tone like he had just awoken from a deep sleep. “Tell me, where is Rarity? Is she still getting treated? Let me guess, she’s bathing in water populated by small fish that eat the parasites off you or some such nonsense?”

“No Mr Stewart, the scrounging treatment is only on Tuesdays.” Aloe explained. “But as for Madam Rarity she...

“... Is already done and waiting for you up front.” Lotus added. “We have your clothes ready for you right here.”

Noticing that there was a basket-like object in between them Jon bent down and picked it up to find that his newly tailored suit from that day was neatly folded and ready to be worn for the first time since acquiring it. Without even asking Jon stepped behind an adjacent folding screen that someone left behind to change. Aloe and Lotus would have mentioned that from where the screen was placed ponies could see him through a nearby mirror’s reflection, but they decided that he had suffered enough today.

Soon Jon emerged fully dressed, his black suit in stark contrast with the pink robe and swim trunks he carefully but away in the same basket his suit was being kept in. This was his first time wearing his present and he had to admit, it felt as nice as it looked. The measurements were spot on with each proportions fitting just right with a little bit of room so it didn’t feel too restrictive.

The outside felt as smooth and delicate as the interior, and while he wasn’t a fan of dark black, even he had to admit it was the best suit he had ever worn. It was so nice he felt the need to thank the person who made it so with that he slowly walked toward the front door in the most direct route he could see, but not before addressing the twins one last time.

“Well then; Aloe, Lotus, it’s been a pleasure.” He said with a quick bow and a clipping of his cufflinks. “Now if you’ll excuse me I really ought to be going now.”

“Bye bye!” Both sisters said in unison. “We hope you will join us again soon.”

Hearing this almost caused Jon to drop his belongings as he stopped in the middle of the room. With a look of disbelief on his face he turned around so quickly that he managed cause a small jolt of pain in his neck.

“You can’t be serious!?” He exclaimed, which caused both sister’s to lower their ears in guilt. Seeing this made Jon in turn feel guilty too for his sudden outburst. For all that went wrong there was still some moments of euphoria that Jon used to justify what he would say next. “Uh, I mean... I would... I would love to come here again... maybe during my next vacation?”

“Really!” Both sisters asked, with newly engraved smiles on their face.

“Oh sure, are you kidding me?” Jon asked as scanned the room one last time before turning around to head to the waiting room. “Wild horses couldn't keep me away.”