Episode 17: Rarity on the Daily Show

Jon’s forced spa adventure was met head on with a less than inviting outcome, which would actually turn out to be a running theme for the day. Things kicked off to a rocky start when he was forced to discard his current attire in favor of a frilly pink bathrobe which, to Rarity’s credit,  did the job of covering his entire body quite well.

It’s only saving grace beside giving Jon a sense of privacy was that, like the suit given to him, this bathrobe was fitted perfectly to his body type. With Jon ready to go, both he and Rarity were promptly escorted to the other end of the room where the first of their many treatments were to take place.

Since Jon had children, whose ages weren’t even in the double digits yet, he would on occasion take them to the pediatrician. Jon was reminded of just this because his surroundings certainly gave him the feeling that he was in a hospital meant for kids.

Much like everything else in Equestria, at least as far as Jon could tell, this spa was astonishingly vibrant with liberal uses of colors like purple, blue, and green. Accompanying these colors were decorate shapes on virtually every surface. In Equestria it wasn't enough to have a window, it needed to be a heart shaped window. and the walls were just a blank surface it needed to have stare and and raindrop shapes all over it.

While at the same time various machines were stationed beside beds and were slung over like they were fishing rods but they too matched the decor by being color shades of purple rather than cold metal grey like one would expect.

Not only that, but the use of slightly oblong shapes where a more symmetrical design would just as easily work was implemented almost everywhere. Rather than having a support beam be an even straight column it would have a much wider base that  curved inward like an upside down tornado. This design also applied to other fixtures like archways or chairs. Leaving Jon steadfast in his idea of never bringing his kids here; they'd never want to leave.

Some ponies laid in beds and were either having some staff worker smear an unknown substance on their face or were having their hooves detailed. Other such beautifications that Jon witnessed as he walked further into a corner were ponies being massaged or having a bright light shined on their face from one of the many daunting machines.

All of this was fairly new to Jon. Sure in his life he’d have someone apply makeup on him or fix his hair, usually at the hand of cosmetology students he’d have employed for his show, but none of it was quite on the level of what he he was currently witnessing. Though he would have a first hand experience of it all in just a few moments.

Stopping now in front of a stretch of wall that had a row of familiar machines attached to it both Jon and Rarity were now being addressed by the spa sisters as to what was going to happen.

“Allow us to to present to you the Mane-Manger 2000!” Lotus said, as she swept her arms to show off the row of machines which Jon recognized as salon style hair dryers. “This marvelous machine...”

“... Will dry and detail your hair in the style you most desire!” Aloe finished. “But before we are to do that, allow us to first to wash your manes.”

Jon didn’t even have time to ask raise his hand in objection before promptly being yanked to the side by the scruff of his robe. Both he and Rarity were split apart with Aloe helping Rarity into a nearby seat that, when tilted all the way back, dropped the customer's head into a designated sink for washing one’s hair.

It was then expected of Jon to follow along but unfortunately for him there was no station large enough to accommodate him but his handler, Lotus, was determined to make this work.

“Now then Mr. Stewart if you would please, um... take a seat, we will get things started?” She said.

Again Jon had flashbacks of bringing his kids to the doctor, only this time because he was now sitting in a chair a few sizes too small, like he would often do in the waiting room of pediatrics to make Maggie and Nathan laugh.

The way Jon had to position himself in the chair for his head to properly fit in the sink meant that his legs were sprawled out and over the chair and into the walkways. Even though he was only slightly overweight he had to force himself to fit in the seat and the chair’s armrests were jabbing into his back.

By this time Rarity was already halfway through her shampooing, something which she was all too eager to voice.

“Oh that scent is simply heavenly!” She said from just a few seats over. “Aloe dear do make sure to use that new conditioner as well. I say, Jonathan... Jonathan how are you doing over there, darling?”

“I’ve been better.” He answered as he slowly leaned back into the sink, only to discover that his head didn’t fit. “... much better. I-I’ll be honest Rarity I don’t think this spa stuff is for me.”

“Oh nonsense, everypony deserves a little pampering now and again.” She advised. “Things will get better, I promise you.”

Not only was that not true for Jon, but his being there wasn’t ideal for the staff working that day either. Since Jon’s was half in and half out of the chair every so often a passing patron or worker would trip over his legs which meant that he had to curl them up in an awkward stance. That and since his head was too large for the sink, when Lotus washed his greying hair, water would spill all over the side, causing both a mess and a slipping hazard for all involved.

But at least the shampoo smelled nice; when it didn’t go in his eyes from his constant struggling.

The second half of the their hair restoration began when both parties were promptly escorted to the mounted hair dryers attached to ergonomic seats. But again none were large enough for Jon so when he sat down he felt as the blood circulation was being cut off from his butt. This time however Jon was spared the lower back pain associated with having to bend over backwards and instead was rewarded with having the bonnet of the hair dryer slowly descend over his head.

Luckily enough for him the headgear was large to accommodate ponies wearing roller in their mane so it just barely fit around his head. Normally around this point he would’ve made a Vader joke, but he knew the reference would be lost here.

Sitting next to him was Rarity who was still being helped by the other of the two sisters; it seemed like they were getting treated by the owners for the duration of their stay. A nice gesture, but at the same time it had Jon wondering if it was because of him or Rarity. Also, since she was a regular, her handler Aloe didn’t waste any time starting the machine, but in the case of Jon Lotus felt some context needed to be provided.

“Allow me to explain the process of this wondrous device. This machine uses a moisture system with tourmaline and ionic nano technologies to leave you with healthy, beautiful, and shiny hair.” She explained, like she was the host of the home shopping network.

“Is that right?” Jon said as he strained his neck to get a look at the all black device that was almost as big as him.. “So when does Goldfinger strap me down for the interrogation?”

With a nervous laugh Lotus ignored Jon’s reference, which she didn’t get, and concentrated on continuing her explanation.

“Now then this won’t hurt a bit; you’ll spend the next twenty or so minutes underneath the bonnet while the machine does all the work.” She continued, while making some adjustments. “Oh! I almost forgot! This model comes with a new setting where you can have silent mode.”

“Silent mode?” Jon asked. “You mean... like a phone?”

“Allow me to explain; you see sometimes ponies want to talk to one another during the session while others want to be left alone.” She explained. “Normally these things make an unruly amount of noise, but you’ll still be able to hear what’s going on everywhere else... but in silent mode the machine uses a distortion system that makes it so the customer won’t hear anything at all. Now then... which would you like?”

Before he got the chance to answer Jon was started to hear Rarity shouting just a few inches away. She wasn’t in pain or any other form of discomfort she just merely wanted to get his attention.

“OH AND BY THE WAY JONATHAN! WHILE I HAVE YOU HERE I’M GOING TO CONTINUE LISTING MY CREDENTIALS!” Rarity yelled over the roar of the hair dryer which was already being used on her. “ I KNOW IT’S BIT TABOO TO TALK BUSINESS GIVEN OUR LOCATION BUT I FEEL THERE SO MUCH MORE OF ME YOU DON’T YET KNOW! HAVING SAID THAT; REASON NUMBER ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY FOUR AS TO WHY YOU SHOULD HAVE ME ON YOUR SHOW...”

“Silent mode!” Jon begged, like a pregnant woman asking for anesthetic. “Please, for the love of god, give me silent mode!” Taking her her hoof back from Jon’s strong grip Lotus obliged with his request and, after a quick sequence of button pushes later, activated Jon’s desired approach.

Just like anyone else in his position Jon assumed the term “silent” in this situation was open to interpretation, usually just meaning very low in tone or funneling white noise into the ear. But to their credit what followed was complete and utter silence.

Jon wasn’t sure exactly what kind of pony technology was at play here, but for all his jokings about them being in the stone age, their machine made it so it was so quiet he could almost hear himself blink. It was rather eerie really. Looking in all directions he tried to see if he could perhaps pick up the tiniest hint of sound. He looked at Rarity who was still aimlessly talking to herself, but he could not hear a word. He caught Aloe and Lotus sharing a quick word with each other before scurrying off to prepare the next session and wondered if they were talking about him.

This was rare for Jon; absolute silence was not something a home grown New Yorker was familiar with, especially one with two kids. So he decided to make the most of it by taking Rarity’s advice and try to relax. Even though his seat was as uncomfortable as one would expect, he still found it somewhat calming to lie back and think about nothing. Unfortunately Jon’s brain would on occasion break up this tranquil experience by reminding him of important, though stressful, obligations. Like work, bills to pay, or appointments he couldn't afford to miss.

Most of these things didn’t bother him, that is until he opened his eyes. Again he saw ponies lounging about of various colors and shapes and again he didn’t recognize any of them except for the twin sisters who were on the far end of the room fiddling with some beds. It was then that Jon saw a pony, a pony who he’d never met before but who shared a similar pale blue color scheme as someone he knew.

“Trixie.” Jon sighed to himself as he once again closed his eyes. “Please be alright.”

After about twenty minutes of continued self reflection Jon was awoken by a figure looming over him who he immediately recognized as the one who helped him into the device in the first place.

“Mr. Stewart, the Mane Manager as finished it’s cycle and your hair looks luxurious!” She complimented as the helmet slowly let go of Jon’s head. “Madam Rarity is already at the next treatment room awaiting your arrival... tell me Mr. Stewart, did you enjoy your hair treatment.”

Jon had to admit that not only did his hair feel lighter and more wavy but that feeling of sitting down doing nothing in perfect silence had a zen light effect on him where he was now more relaxed; except for his now slightly aching back. Though that didn’t stop him from seizing the opportunity at a quick joke.

“Yeah it was pretty nice,” he admitted as he combed his fingers through his hair. “It’s just that, well... nah forget about it.”

“Oh no, no, no Mr. Stewart please tell me!” Lotus pleaded. “If there was any kind of problem I must know!”

“Weeeeell... it’s about that whole ‘silent mode.’” he divulged as he struggled to unseat himself from the chair which still had a firm grasp of his oversized behind.

“Oh dear, did it not work?” She frightlyfully asked as she offered her hoof to Jon as leverage.

“No, no it worked just fine... but see that’s the problem.” He said, much to the confusion of Lotus. “You see... it was so quiet I literally couldn't hear a thing... and well, I’m sorry, but I just can’t be alone with the voices in my head for that long.”

With one last thrust of his hips Jon finally freed himself from the mane-manager with enough force to almost yank it from the ground. Putting his hand against his back he stretched himself just in time to see his handler looking nervously up at him.

Sensing that what he said might’ve been a Joke Lotus quickly forced a awkward laugh, waiting for Jon to confirm as such, but he never did... he just stared at her till she silenced herself. The two shared an awkward moment of silence with Jon trying to hold back a smile. After it was clear that things couldn't get any more uncomfortable he quickly changed gears.

“Now then!” He uttered in a tone as if nothing remotely unsettling had just occurred. “Where did you say we needed to go?”

“O-o-oh uh.... t-this... this way...” Lotus struggled to say, as she slowly escorted Jon to the other side of a wall which, like the one they just left, was lined up with machines. Only this time the machines were the ones that Jon noticed hovering over beds, one of which contained his partner for the day.

“Oh Jonathan!” Rarity called, her face half covered in some form or green ooze. “There you are, darling! Come now this is my favorite part!” Rarity said that about every treatment.

When Jon propped himself onto the bed Aloe had just finished putting on the last coat of facial properties onto Rarity’s face with Lotus advising Jon to lean back and relax while she did the same. It took only a few moments for Jon’s handler to get the necessary brush and bowl of green slime ready for smearing. Jon was urged to close his eyes, but right before he did he managed to catch a view of Aloe putting two slices of cucumber on Rarity’s face; one over each eye.

“Really?” Jon chuckled at the cliche of it all. Soon the world went dark, brought on my Lotus putting a substance on his face with the look and texture of guacamole. To save time the two sisters didn’t explain as to what purpose it served, but even Jon knew it had something to do with the pores of his skin.

With the bed he was laying on (barely) big enough for him to properly lay on and his cosmetic mask soaking into his face he could almost feel as if this was more of a vacation than a business trip... that is until Rarity opened her mouth.

“Now then where was I?” She said. “Ah yes! I understand your show takes place in New York which is a large city... well did I happen to mention that I’ve been to many metropolitan locals... why just last summer I was invited to attend...”

Lotus watched as Jon plucked the two slices of cucumber off from his eyes, broke them in half, and promptly shoved them in his ears. He could still hear both Rarity talking and the twin sisters walking away to ready their guests for the next session. For the remainder both Lotus and Aloe would return in intervals to check up on the two for long period of time. The next part of the treatment was removing the now solidified masks and replacing it with a steaming hot towel, or another facial substance in specific areas that needed the most attention.

In all fairness Jon enjoyed this session more than he thought he would. Not just because every time the sisters came back with a new treatment Rarity would go silent (at the advice of the twins so they could properly work on her face) but because the act of having his face cleansed in such a way felt oddly relaxing. Right away he could feel as if years of stress was being lifted from his ageing brow.

This, coupled with what they did with his hair, made him feel like a new man... at least from the neck up.

“Maybe this wasn’t such a bad idea afterall.” He thought, as Lotus used some device to file down Jon’s nails while his mask hardened. He was unaware that things were about to take a turn for the worse.

If he had his way Jon would shut off all his senses and just float away right there and then but despite his wanting to do just that he couldn't help but overhear a rustling coming from where he knew Rarity was, followed by the magnanimous unicorn herself addressing him about something other than herself.

“Jonathan dear I’ll meet you in the next room.” Rarity said, once again finishing her treatment first. “Take your time, we have all day.”

“Jawohl.” Jon answered with a weak wave of his hand in a dismissive gesture. “Also do you know where the bathroom is?”

“Yes it’s down that hall, third door on your left.” She answered as she rounded the curtain blocking Jon’s view and headed toward a far off door. “You can’t miss it.”

“I shall try not to.” He called back. With all of the cosmetic items now scrapped off his face Jon swung his legs to the side and slowly lifted himself up with a grunt, his bones doing imitations of popcorn along the way. As he stretched his arms to the side he could see one of the twin’s silhouette waiting for him from behind the curtain.

“Shall I wait for you while you use the lavatory?” She asked.

“Nah I’m fine. Just wanted to know if there was maybe a place I could duck out early.” He joked as Lotus swiped the curtain aside. When he looked over his shoulder he could see Rarity walk through a door clear across the room with Alow following close behind. “I swear if I have to listen to anymore of her achievements I think I’m going to need a... well, a trip to spa.”

With a small chuckle and a grin just as faint, Lotus offered her hoof to help Jon get up.

“Yes, I realize Madam Rarity can be... how you say, passionate.” She said.

“Yeah, I don’t think if I were to look up ‘passionate’ in the dictionary I’d see her picture.” Jon shot back with a laugh. “For that you’d probably need to look under some other choice words like... well, I’d rather not say in front of a lady.”

“I will admit there is a reason why she’s our best customer.” Lotus admitted. “She’s very head strong and does whatever it takes to be on top... obviously that’s puts a lot of stress on her which is why she’s here so often... unfortunately, as of course you know, she has a habit of bringing her work with her; even here. She’s a great pony but whenever she has an appointment I just wish she’d calm down, take a deep breath and just relax.”

“Hey from your mouth to Celestia’s ears.” Jon said as he followed her across the room. “Are all your customers as... wound up as she is?”

“Honestly with some of the events that transpire here over the years I’m wouldn't be surprised if ponies only come to us when another tragedy occurs.” She admitted. “But if it means me and my sister are able to do what we love than we will not complain, you see.”

“You two must really but a lot of effort into your work.” Jon observed as he stretched his arms. “I’m guessing it’s not everyday you personally attend to the customers directly.”

“Well no when it comes to Madam Rarity and one as famous as you we of course want to leave a good impression.” She informed Jon who had now gotten from from his bed. “Cosmetology is a very competitive field as I’m sure you know... the technology and techniques are constantly changing so we always have to be in tip top shape.”

“Speaking of which... what’s next on the list?” Jon asked as the two made their around the curtain. “You going to use some kind of laser to zap parasites off my back?”

“Actually that light we used on your face in between facials was, technically a laser.” She answered.

“Wait what!?” Jon blurted as he tried to look over his shoulder at the machine near the bed he was just at.

“No, our next treatment is a proper physical therapy.” She finally answered.

“Oh great.” Jon said. “Now I’m going to have to listen to Rarity fill my ear about which fabric is best during winter season while some guy bends me into a pretzel.”

“I assure you it is nothing like.” Lotus urged, as they approached the door that Rarity and Aloe disappeared behind. “And as for Madam Rarity, I don’t think her discussing business will be an issue during this session..”

“Why do you say that?” Jon asked as Lotus placed her hoof against the door marked as a private room.

“You will soon see.” She winked, now opening the door.