Chapters Cutie Mark Crusader Suicide Bombers "Giant Death Robots Just a Precautionary Measure," says Princess Celestia Zecora Once Again Wakes up to Find Burning, Lowercase T in Front Yard Twilight Sparkle Tired of Humans Celestia Sick of that Terrible Looking Settlement Below Her Majestic City Luna Banishes Celestia to the Sun Kids, Put on Your Horse Blinders Masked Lizard Strikes Again Divorce Ends in Shining Armor Losing Money, Dignity Vinyl Scratch to Play at Fillydelphia Retirement Home Prince Blueblood on Villainous Tantrum After Nopony was there to Wipe His Ass King Sombra Once Again Barely Denied Entrance into Crystal Empire Unicorn Too Lazy to Use Magic to Pick Up Television Remote, Forced to Watch PBS Cloudsdale Desegregation Won't Really Do That Much Wonderbolt Celebrity Spitfire Announces Her Engagement to a Stack of Sandwiches Terrorist Attack Claiming Just Three Measly Lives "Winged Obama" Causes Uproar Among "My Little Human" Fanbase Magic Bullet Theory New, Wacky Creature Discovered in Ponyville Tired Celestia Hits the Sun’s Snooze Button Nation Grieving After Oil Tycoon's Death Zebra Nation Once Again Sweeps the Equestrian Games Equestrian Independence Day Unicorn Actor, Funny Depth, Set to Star as Tonto the Buffalo in Upcoming Movie Pomans: The Extremely Unexpected Equine Fans of My Little Human Ms. Cheerilee, the Homework Tyrant Head Mailmare Just Throws Away Mail Pervert Pony Caught Watching Dreams Earth Pony History Month Soaren Uses Internet Marefriend Death to Solicit Apple Pie from Fans New Equestrian Legislation Gives Royal Guards License to "Kick Ass" Vacuum Cleaner Comes with Mouth Attachment Equestria Prepares for Upcoming Sequestration Hall and Oats Day Foals Dared to Sleep in Old Abandoned Glue Factory "I Am Your God Now," says Princess Twilight Sparkle Mating Game Show “Princess Luna is Taking the Kids Again, Dear,” Comments Multiple Canterlot Residents The Onion: Equestrian Bureau
Cutie Mark Crusader Suicide Bombers
Cutie Mark Crusader Suicide Bombers
Saddle Arabia- Following the formation of the Cutie Mark Crusaders, Saddle Arabia branch, three young fillies earned their cutie mark by blowing themselves up along with 2/3 of the Equestrian embassy.
"What a joyous day," commented one of the fillies' parents. "Our child has finally discovered what makes her special : detonating a small, but surprisingly effective amount of plastique explosive near the infidel base. I'm sure if we could locate her severed flank, a new picture of terrified souls fleeing their liberators would be staring back at us. I'm so proud of her."
Well there you have it. Three young fillies were able to find who they truly are. Could you have asked for a better conclusion?
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The Onion: Equestrian Bureau
"Giant Death Robots Just a Precautionary Measure," says Princess Celestia
"Giant Death Robots Just a Precautionary Measure," says Princess Celestia
Latest model of Killbot-500
"Giant Death Robots Just a Precautionary Measure," says Princess Celestia
Canterlot, Equestria- The nation of Equestria is in an uproar today following the activation of 500, pony-killing death bots sent to monitor daily life in Equestrian communities.
"I know that this adjustment will be difficult," stated Princess Celestia at press time. "But if all of you just try to live your lives like you normally would, I'm sure you'll forget that they're even there."
Although many are willing to give the 10 foot tall, chain gun wielding robots a chance, most are still reluctant to allow them 24 hour access to their homes without the need of a warrant. Despite the negatives of the application of these titanium men, many point to the positives with unbridled enthusiasm.
"Well," says Dr. Stir Fry, the designer of these robots, "Of course my inventions may seem a bit unnecessary, but I assure you they will achieve their goal at all costs. The crime rate will plummet to nothing and the rate of wildfires caused by ponies will also be eradicated. Unfortunately in order to achieve such goals the robots are designed to strike before these crimes are committed. That means that if they have reasonable suspicion that you will do something heinous, they will not hesitate to execute you on the spot. It's alright though, as long as it doesn't look like you're plotting something, you should be perfectly alright. Oh yeah, and don't wear the color red. They absolutely loathe that color."
Beta testing of the robots has passed all federal regulations, having murdered less than 15% of the population of the control town. Though this may seem like a large amount, most drug testing takes at least 30% of a towns population on average. Needless to say, the robots will be out on the streets later today.
"As far as the private sector is concerned," continued Dr. Stir Fry, "We are already wrapping up finishing touches on our new Factory Robots designed to dispose of any lazy worker that does not meet his or her quota."
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The Onion: Equestrian Bureau
Zecora Once Again Wakes up to Find Burning, Lowercase T in Front Yard
Zecora Once Again Wakes up to Find Burning Lower Case T in Front Yard
Everfree Forest, Equestria- Sources confirmed Tuesday that Zecora, a local potion master and zebra, woke up to find yet another burning, lower case t in her front yard. However, this is not the first time our Everfree resident has experienced something like this. For several months now, the confused Zebra has woken up to find billowing smoke and several burning lowercase Ts.
When reached for a comment, the confused resident had this to say. "Those silly, filly pranksters are at it again," she stated, "Their antics always make me laugh and grin. Though, I am beginning to question, if they are trying to send me a message." When asked around Ponyville what these perpetrators are up to, two young mares in bed sheets had this to say.
"Well darling, I'm not saying I know who did this or why." the unicorn answered. "But perhaps it's a message telling that uncouth zebra to stay where she belongs."
"Yeah, ya'll Zebra folk better stay where ya belong," stated her earth mare friend. The truth is, we may never find out who pulled these wonderfully playful pranks.
"I'm just glad I didn't wake up covered in tar and feathers again." Zecora finished.
The Onion: Equestrian Bureau
Twilight Sparkle Tired of Humans
Twilight Sparkle Tired of Humans
Twilight Sparkle Tired of Humans
Ponyville Library, Equestria- For going on the sixteenth time, Twilight Sparkle, local celebrity, has yet again found herself in an encounter with a human.
"It's the same thing every time." Twilight stated. "I swear its impossible to get any work done with these guys springing up everwhere. It wouldn't be so bad, but it's like Hearth's Warming Eve to these guys. It goes the same way every single time. 'Oh my god, it's Twilight Sparkle' they say ' I can't believe it's really you! We should totally go on adventures and be best friends and blah, blah, blah'. It was sweet the first couple times around, but now... now it's just really fucking annoying." Twilight was unable to comment further as she was preoccupied with a portal leaking humans by the cart load.
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The Onion: Equestrian Bureau
Celestia Sick of that Terrible Looking Settlement Below Her Majestic City
Celestia Sick of that Terrible Looking Settlement Below Her Majestic City
Royal Castle, Canterlot- Citing her undeniable hatred of that drab little settlement she is forced to see every time she walks onto her balcony in the morning, Princess Celestia decided it was time to resettle Ponyville.
"Every day, when I wake up to raise the sun, I walk out to my balcony and look over my beautiful country. Well, all except that terrible, little eye sore that never seems to go away, no matter how many natural disasters, monsters, or pissed off, chaotic Demi-gods you send its way," her majesty stated. "I think it's time to pave over the area, you know, make room for something new, like... maybe a cake factory."
When asked by the town why she would even consider destroying their homes, forcing them to wander the country and fight to survive, our benevolent princess had this to say: "Oh I'm sure they'll be alright. It's not like I'm putting anyone important out of a home. Mostly just a bunch of earth ponies."
The Onion: Equestrian Bureau
Luna Banishes Celestia to the Sun
Luna Banishes Celestia to the Sun
Luna Banishes Celestia to the Sun
Canterlot, Equestria- Following a small argument between our two governing bodies today, Princess Luna cast out our goddess of the sun, into the sun.
"It is just absolutely terrible," commented Princess Luna, citing the incident which started because there was no more cake in the fridge. "I'm sorry it had to come down to this, but she needed to be stopped. It may be a long thousand years, but I'm sure she'll adjust to her new home."
Although most of the country is now mourning the loss of Princess Celestia, Luna had this to say: "Do not fret, my little ponies. Your new, unrestricted ruler will be a fair and benevolent leader in these uncertain times. It would be best if you all just pretended like Celestia never even left." At the time of this comment, our sources tried to reach Princess Celestia; however, we were unable due to the fact that she burned to death four hours ago.
The Onion: Equestrian Bureau
Kids, Put on Your Horse Blinders
Kids, Put on Your Horse Blinders
Manehatten, Equestria- After taking his family on a vacation to Manehatten, Money Bags, a local investment broker, calmly asked his wife and children to roll up their horse blinders as they passed through a rough neighborhood.
"I knew it was a mistake to take the family through that side of town," stated Money Bags. "I just thought it would be a quicker way to get to the Museum of History. I was sorely mistaken."
According to Money Bags, the quiet, middle income neighborhood, was a "death trap" and his family was in danger every second they were there. "When I saw the unlidded trash cans, I knew we were in mortal peril. I did what any loving and considerate father would do in such a dire situation; told the family to hurry up and put on their horse blinders. If you make eye contact with lower income households, they're more likely to stab you," detailed Money Bags.
The unicorn went on to say that in the future, he will be much more careful when going through dirty, earth pony infested neighborhoods.
We were unable to get a final remark from Money Bags who was shot and killed for making eye contact with a local resident who, "wanted his clothes".
The Onion: Equestrian Bureau
Masked Lizard Strikes Again
Masked Lizard Strikes Again
Ponyville, Equestria- Following several complaints of tomfoolery, officials today were forced to respond to talk of a crazed, masked lizard that has been creating stress and pulling shenanigans on the local Ponyville population.
"He goes by the name of Talon," says police chief, No Warrant, when referring to the large grafitti mural on sugarcube corner, depicting a lizard, breathing fire and swooning a white unicorn with a purple mane. "We are not aware of his true identity, but are currently working around the clock to stop this malicious red herring." For about two weeks now, police have been evaded by the slippery reptile who has been on a rampage, marking public property with graffiti, stealing gems of high value, and sending stolen, miscellaneous items to Princess Celestia.
"To help combat this foe, we have called upon one of the Elements of Harmony to aid our quest," stated No Warrant. "With the help of her and her witty, and yet undeniably adorable dragon assistant, we hope to curb this rise in Lizard crime. If only we knew where to start looking."
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The Onion: Equestrian Bureau
Divorce Ends in Shining Armor Losing Money, Dignity
Divorce Ends in Shining Armor Losing Money, Dignity
Divorce Ends in Shining Armor Losing Money, Dignity
Royal Castle, Crystal Empire- After months of feuding, disagreements, and a general neglect of taking care of their newly acquired kingdom, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza decided to divorce Shining Armor, taking his money, kingdom, and dignity.
"It was totally not going to work out," Princess Cadence stated. "If I was ever going to be happy, I had to leave him and take every worldly possession not nailed to the floor. Actually, I took the floors too, haha." When our reporters asked Cadence what she thought this would do to her Crystal Kingdom, she responded by saying: "Oh yeah... Next question please."
Although Princess Cadence's future looks bright, Shining Armor has taken a turn for the worse. "Bwaaaaahhh! Why (sniffle).. Why did she leave me? Why? WHY?" Shining Armor was unable to comment further as he fell into the fetal position, refusing to even acknowledge the world around him.
"I'm sure he'll be fine," Cadence concluded. "Actually no, he won't be fine. He's a pussy."
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The Onion: Equestrian Bureau
Vinyl Scratch to Play at Fillydelphia Retirement Home
Vinyl Scratch to Play at Fillydelphia retirement Home
Fillydelphia, Equestria- Last Tuesday, Vinyl Scratch aka DJ Pon3, turned up the bass and prepared to drop her beat for the rambunctious crowd of 70-90 year old ponies at the local Fillydelphia Retirement Home.
"Oh yes, our residents here have been looking forward to her performance all month," said the head nurse practitioner of the home. "Once we told them who was coming, some of them even looked up from the scarves they were knitting for their grandchildren."
The night of the concert, old ponies gathered around the small stage in old robes and loafers, getting psyched for Ponyville's most famous musician.
"Yeah dude! It was totally awesome!" commented Vinyl who lead the entertainment for the night. "I went out there and totally blew their horseshoes off! I started off slow, cause you know, I didn't want to give any of them a heart attack; and then once I could tell they were ready by the grimaces of excitement, I dropped the base and everything went BANG, wub, wub, wub, BANG!!! It was totally sweet."
The night of music and fun did not go unnoticed. One elderly Mare named Knitting Needle talked to our on-site reporter with a positive review of the music. "Well it was... nice. It's certainly not something I would ever listen to, but... it was still nice. Who are you again? Wait, where am I?" The mare then repeatedly dosed off while continually asking if her daughter was going to visit her anytime soon.
"I'm just glad no one died this time," Vinyl added.
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The Onion: Equestrian Bureau
Prince Blueblood on Villainous Tantrum After Nopony was there to Wipe His Ass
Prince Blueblood on Villainous Tantrum After Nopony was there to Wipe His Ass
Canterlot, Equestria- The royal castle in Canterlot is in ruins today following the mindless rampage of Prince Blueblood, enraged by the absence of his royal ass cleanser. At about 4 P.M. today, Blueblood followed his usual routine, and evacuated his bowels. However, much to his surprise, there was nopony there to wipe his royal hindquarters of the excrement. After this discovery, Blueblood commenced a blind rampage, destroying precious artifacts and rubbing his dirty asshole upon every surface he could find.
"Where's the royal wiper?!" shouted Blueblood multiple times, just before ripping down 2000 year old tapestries and unsuccessfully attempting to use them as toilet paper.
"He was out of control," commented Princess Luna. "Neither Celestia nor I had the power to stop him. It was awful; he just wouldn't stop. I don't think the royal carpets will ever be clean again."
Eventually, the Prince was subdued with promises of "warm milk" and a "tummy rub".
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The Onion: Equestrian Bureau
King Sombra Once Again Barely Denied Entrance into Crystal Empire
King Sombra Once Again Barely Denied Entrance into Crystal Empire
King Sombra Once Again Barely Denied Entrance into Crystal Empire
Border Security Office, Crystal Empire- "Well, yesterday I was filling out paperwork, watching the gate as usual when King Sombra came strolling up asking for admittance," stated Swift Grass, head of border security. "At first I was going to call up the royal guard to remove him from the premises, but then he gave me his credentials, and well... They were legitimate. I was just about to let him in until I saw that his carting license was expired. He left and I went back to work. Though, I'm beginning to worry that he's gonna come back. If he does return with a new license, I have no choice but to let him in; it's the law."
Although there is no telling how Sombra was able to acquire a new passport, work visa, and birth certificate, it can be assumed that whatever happens next, we will all be enslaved again.
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The Onion: Equestrian Bureau
Unicorn Too Lazy to Use Magic to Pick Up Television Remote, Forced to Watch PBS
Unicorn Too Lazy to Use Magic to Pick Up Television Remote, Forced to Watch PBS
Ponyville, Equestria- While calling in sick from work and avoiding family members, Mint Leaf, unicorn, 21, found it too much of a struggle to get up from the couch to retrieve his television remote, or obtain it telekinetically.
"Well I sat down to watch a marathon of My Little Human when I found out that the remote was actually on the coffee table," said a young but overweight Mint Leaf. "I knew there was no way I would ever get up. I thought for a second that I could lift it with magic, but... I decided it would be much easier to just keep it on PBS."
Mint Leaf continued watching PBS until passing out from dehydration and hunger.
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The Onion: Equestrian Bureau
Cloudsdale Desegregation Won't Really Do That Much
Cloudsdale Desegregation Won't Really Do That Much
Cloudsdale, Equestria- After forty years of racial prejudice against all non-pegasi races, Cloudesdale plans to re-integrate it's public facilities, which will amount to practically nothing anyway.
"It is my pleasure to sign this document allowing all races of pony, non-winged or horned, entrance into our beautiful city, no matter the cost to my own mayoral status," stated Left Wing, Mayor of Cloudsdale. "I'm sure after a few weeks of living in a mixed society, the pegasi of Cloudsdale will become acclimated to their new lifestyles and it will be like there was never any change at all."
Although many are supporting this transition, there are still those who vehemently oppose the new law and everything it stands for.
"This law is a terrible idea," says local pegasi schoolteacher, Ms. Blossomforth. "I will not be teaching non-pegasi in my class! Well, actually I really won't... but it just doesn't feel right knowing that I can... maybe."
At the time of voting to pass the new law, Order 201 was nearly unanimously denied approval, resulting in no change to the pegasi way of life... even though there would have been no change anyway.
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The Onion: Equestrian Bureau
Wonderbolt Celebrity Spitfire Announces Her Engagement to a Stack of Sandwiches
Spitfire and her new fiance
Las Pegasus, Equestria- Sources confirmed Tuesday that national celebrity and Wonderbolt, Spitfire, anounced her engagement to a pile of peanut butter sandwiches. While it is no secret that these two have been in the throw of romance for the past two years, it's come as a shock that the proposal came so suddenly. Many had actually assumed that the couple would break off due to the whole fiasco when Spitfire's parents accidentally ate part of the sandwiches' parents when the restaurant they were dining at took too long to serve the group.
"I'm happy to say that the sandwiches and I are getting married next spring," stated Spitfire to our on-site reporter. "We've had our rough patches, especially the time when I caught them on a picnic with that Rainbow skank. But that's all behind us and we decided we want to take this to the next level. I just can't wait to give it the baby sandwich pegasi we've talked about."
The engagement took place Monday afternoon when Spitfire and the sandwiches were taking a swim in the ocean. After swatting away various seagulls and pelicans who attempted to consume the sandwiches, Spitfire was surprised to see the sandwiches fall to one side and reveal a diamond ring lodged in a layer of crust. Needless to say, she said yes.
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The Onion: Equestrian Bureau
Terrorist Attack Claiming Just Three Measly Lives
Terrorist Attack Claiming Just Three Measly Lives
Terrorist Attack Claiming Just Three Measly Lives
Canterlot, Equestria- Following a surprise terrorist attack on our nations capital today, sources confirmed that the small scale explosion killing just two earth ponies was in fact, not enough to justify a full scale invasion of Saddle Arabia and the deposition of their Dictator, Al-Assad Haystack.
"When I heard of the news, I was positively ecstatic," stated our benevolent ruler Princess Celestia. "But when they told me that only two of my peasants lives were ended, I knew I could never declare an all out war. Maybe like two or three more ponies and I could possibly present the idea to Congress and use executive order anyway, but only two? Come on, I would look like a total asshole."
After the huge letdown, Celestia went back to her normal daily routine of ordering small teams of Pony SEALs to assassinate the growing list of enemies that refuse to attack her country by stronger means.
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The Onion: Equestrian Bureau
"Winged Obama" Causes Uproar Among "My Little Human" Fanbase
By: Machinekng
Manehatten, Equestria- Yesterday, impassioned debate, occasionally punctuated by the sound of exploding hand grenades and indiscriminate gunfire, filled the aisles of United Pomans 2013, the semiannual convention held for fans of the surprisingly popular television series “My Little Human.”
The controversy began several weeks ago when a particular image was posted on peoplechan.net. The image was claimed to be a leak from Haysbro, the owner of “My Little Human” and other notable children’s franchises. The image depicts the character “President Obama,” one of the main characters of “My Little Human”, with wings.
This is apparently a big deal, and has spawned some debate and criticism on fan sites such as “AmericaDaily.” However, this controversy was relatively low-key since many members of the community pointed out the image was a poorly done photoshop job.
This all changed at United Pomans when the character change was confirmed by Haysbro’s vice-director of public relations.
“Yes, that is our poorly done photoshop job,” asserted Mr. Sugar Coat at one of the convention’s panels.
The convention hall instantly burst into an uproar as many of the “Pomans” began to cry that the show had been “ruined forever” and that “the fandom was dead.” The growing mob’s ire quickly shifted to Mr. Sugar Coat, who was promptly lynched by his own neck tie.
Many Pomans blame Haybros’s toy division for the character design shift. They claim that the changes were made so that the company could sell toy sets with figures based on the new version of the character.
“Stupid Haysbro!” declared Motor Mouth, a unicorn and one of the convention goers. “We put so much time and dedication into this show. We spend all our money on LED t-shirts and cheap toys made by foals in Marelyasia. And what do they do? They sell out to the bucking pegasus demographic!”
A group of passing angry pegasi Pomans, overhearing the conversation, ruthlessly descended on Motor Mouth and stomped him into unconsciousness for his racist remarks.
The surviving panelists did their best to reassure the fans that the changes would not impact the quality of the show, and that the current response was a minor overreaction.
“We’ve been planning this since the middle of last season,” announced Fine Art, the head of “My Little Human’s” development, as her co-workers fended off the onslaught of disappointed club-wielding fans.
“We know that you all like Barrack, he’s a character lot of ponies can relate to and we’ve devoted a lot of screen time to him because of that. We plan to build up to the transformation in a logical manner that highlights his development throughout the series so far. This is going to be a climactic moment for him and the entire team believes that wings will only add more depth to his character.”
Ms. Art paused her speech in order to dodge a several blunt objects hurled at her by her fans.
“Regardless, this is still going to be the same President Obama you know and love. He’s still going to be a father figure struggling to raise a family while dealing with the responsibility and stress of being an important leader, along with having to compromise between his obligation to his humans and his own ideals.
“Wings won’t change that.”
Ms. Art left the stage promptly after her announcement, in part because the horde had broken through the defensive perimeter and in part because a Molotov cocktail had hit the stage and ignited her mane.
Even though the creative team has done its best to reassure the fandom, there are still some reservations. An example would be Liquor Snap, who, as he was lying in the fetal position in the aisle, tripped our on-site reporter as she was fleeing the building.
“It’s just not fair!” sobbed Liquor Snap as he clutched his Limited Edition Barrack Obama plush doll. “My entire life’s work, just down the drain! Not fair, it’s not fair!”
Liquor Snap is the author of a ~75,000 word “Obama X OC” fanficition and was distraught over the fact that this new revelation makes his work “non-cannon,” which is apparently a big deal. We don’t know what cannons have to do with anything, but we last saw Liquor Snap attempting to commit suicide by swallowing a nearby can of Gak.
Although there’s been a lot of anger from the announcement, not all Pomans are so riled up.
“Ponies are over exaggerating,” said Time Turner, a casual “Poman” who, along with his like-minded fellows, were locked in a bloody firefight with the more annoyed fans.
“Seriously though, they’ll get over it. They were complaining when they released that Lady Gaga toy with pink skin, and they threw a fit when they censored and redubbed Stephen Hawking’s voice in that one episode, but they got over it. Now excuse me, I just have to-“
Bang! Bang!
“Gotcha, you bucking clopper! Anyways, in a couple of days this all will be over. We’ll be back to our lives and the show will still be excellent.”
In related news, Princess Luna, a long-time fan and supporter of the show, has also shown some distress due to Barrack Obama’s design shift. Seeing the announcement on a live stream, she immediately turned into Nightmare Moon, declared a Lunar Jihad against Haysbro, and commandeered the entire Equestrian sky fleet to carpet bomb their headquarters. Haysbro has not commented on this development, primarily because all of its remaining employees are in the process of fleeing the country.
The Onion: Equestrian Bureau
Canterlot, Equestria
Today, Equestria was rocked by new evidence leading to the discovery of what happened on that tragic day years ago when Equestria's youngest prime minister, Macaroni, was shot 14 times simultaneously by 14 individual assassins, each acting on their own accord. On what was meant to be a peaceful, display the power of Equestria's military, the nation was shocked when a loud crack rang out, decapitating, disemboweling, and puncturing the president 14 times, causing him to bleed out and die two days later. Immediately after his death, investigators interviewed witnesses and surveyed the crime scene before reaching the inevitable conclusion that we have accepted for 40 years.
"Ahh yes," stated Star Watch, an elderly Pegasus in attendance during the assassination, "I remember that day. I was sitting on a cloud enjoying the parade below when all of the sudden I heard a loud bang. It was only about two days later when I found out that it was the sound of 14 rifles being shot simultaneously at the Prime Minister."
Each of the ponies apprehended: a police officer, three fillies who were said to be "enjoying the parade with their families," one blind homeless mare who agreed to be interrogated for a bag of cigarettes, one gay unicorn, one gay pegasus, two gay earth ponies, Macaroni's wife, Macaroni's 5-year-old son, a bag of old oats, Macaroni himself, and a shady pegasus by the name of Silver Charge were thought to have worked alone considering all denied involvement with each other as well as any knowledge of the assassination in the first place. All except Silver Charge who went down in history with this famous quote:
"It was me. I'm the one who shot the Prime Minister. I did it alone and with a magic bullet. I cannot stress enough that I was the only one who committed this crime. I murdered the Prime Minister, alone."
Though many think that this quote has hidden symbolism behind its cryptic wording, until now it has been widely regarded as indecipherable babble by an insane pegasus immigrant.
Even though the evidence supporting the 14 conspirator theory was substantial at the time, many refused to accept that the bullet hole ridden corpse of their Prime minister was the result of such a ludicrous theory.
"They thought I was crazy," said a crazy, old unicorn Tinfoil Hat who sported a tin foil cone over his horn. "'Insane' they say, well, haha. Who's laughing now. I knew that there weren't no 14 shooters. If you ask me..." at this point in the interview, Tin Foil bent over and started speaking to himself in hushed tones. After a few minutes, he realized we were watching him and continued his statement.
"It's them sea ponies I tells ya! They're the ones who done killed Macaroni! Over at the lake I sees 'em come up once in a while and they give me this taunting look as if they's better than me. When I sleep, they come in ta my dreams and whisper to me things like, 'We killed the Prime Minister,' or 'We watch you while you touch yourself.' They did it and they was working with them aliens too! I can prove it, watch!" Tinfoil Hat then started shouting some unknown language as he defenestrated himself out of the seven story building, killing himself instantly on the pavement below.
Even though some eccentric types like Tinfoil Hat come up with some incredibly ridiculous stories, there are still quite a few ponies with explanations that warrant some credence. Other theories range from zebra voodoo to spontaneous combustion, and even something about a cactus that I was too lazy to research, but until recently, the 14 shooter theory has always staked the most respect.
Recent forensic analysis, however, has left scientists believing that not all of the 14 ponies charged may have been guilty.
"We have reason to believe that Silver Charger acquired... a magic bullet," said Ponyville police chief and expert on the Macaroni assassination, No warrant. "At first, I thought it was a ridiculous notion brought up by a friend of mine, but then I started thinking. What if instead of 14 ponies acting on their own and by some divine grace, each shot a .44 caliber bullet at the Prime Minister at the same time, there was an enchanted bullet fired by only one pony?"
No Warrant believes that Silver Charge, standing in the 6th floor of a local hospital, took aim with his rifle and shot a magic bullet at the Prime Minister, who was riding his golden carriage down Dealey Plaza. According to forensic analysis, the bullet flew 50 feet at a 45 degree angle toward the victim, striking him once in the back of the head. Then the bullet stopped in the middle of Macaroni's brain, back tracked out of the skull, once again striking the Prime Minister but this time in the spine, before deflecting off of a rib and puncturing his heart. Then, once going through the front ribs, it immediately made a 90 degree angle into his stomach. Through careful analysis, the bullet is said to have remained in his stomach for a few minutes and asked around for directions. Once it figured out how to read the map it obtained in Macaroni's pancreas, it continued on it's path, passing through Macaroni's scrotum at the speed of sound. Once out, it gouged both Macaroni's eyes and gave him a punch in the kidney just to be sure he would not get up again. A couple days later, Macaroni finally passed away from natural causes.
An artist rendition of the magic bullet
The magic bullet theory is being carefully investigated for any inaccuracies, but for the most part it is expected to be replace the previous theory officially.
"We may not know exactly what happened that terrible day, but this theory makes a lot more sense than 14 lone conspirators," added No Warrant. "It's just a travesty that all the alleged shooters were hanged without trial."
The Onion: Equestrian Bureau
New, Wacky Creature Discovered in Ponyville
New, Wacky Creature Discovered in Ponyville
Artist rendition of the little guy
Ponyville, Equestria- Following a small rift opening up in the middle of Ponyville square, a new bipedal, fun-loving creature has risen to great popularity among the young and old alike. The strange creature is what authorities believe to be a half monkey, half dragon hybrid with an affinity for long black boots, playing hide and seek, and drawing the same red symbol that resembles a medical cross with 4 emendations branching from the sides.
Sources confirmed that after a small misunderstanding between the the creature and the Ponyville police department, the "mensch" as he calls himself, began to entertain Ponyville's population with wacky antics that included incomprehensible babble, a series of screaming rants, and his overall pouty attitude in which we believe was an effort to make it evident that he was hungry. It seems as though one pony, Twilight Sparkle, has taking a liking to the creature and has promptly applied to adopt him as her pet.
"Well, at first I was a little bit distracted when he mistakingly set fire to a pile of books from my library in what I think was an attempt to warm himself up," said Princess Twilight Sparkle, a resident of Ponyville. "But then I saw his cute little upper lip hair and that sad mane combover, and well, I just couldn't let the little cutie starve on the streets. It's weird that he would start a fire in the middle of July though... and he has a pretty heavy coat on as well... I guess he just gets cold really easy."
Dapper little "Spot", as Sparkle has come to refer to him as because of the spot of hair on his upper lip, has taken Equestria by storm, garnering a colt following of fans who would squee at the chance of petting him or giving him a treat. Even though most think Spot is a kind, loving creature who would never cause harm to anypony no matter what, some believe that he is a danger to society.
"We do not know where this creature came from," said Ponyville veterinarian Nasal Spray. "For all we know, it can be carrying some disease that could be putting us all at risk. I mean, look at it. After giving it a glance up close, I found it to be extremely out of shape and had no desire at all to exercise. It's almost as if this sprightly young animal was stricken with some terrible illness that gave him the physique of a fifty year old stallion. But then again... he is awfully cute with that little uniform of his."
When reached for a comment, Spot had this to say: "Wenn dies die Hölle ist, wo sind dann die Juden?"
The Onion: Equestrian Bureau
Tired Celestia Hits the Sun’s Snooze Button
Canterlot, Equestria
Following the annual Grand Galloping Gala celebration in Canterlot, Princess Celestia awoke at five O'clock in the morning from a cocaine induced coma, only to hit the snooze button on the sun, roll back over, and puke up the remnants of three pounds of pot brownies laced with methamphetamine she had consumed the night before. The sun princess, recovering from her night of bacchanalians and lewd activities involving a few royal guards, decided once again, to not raise the sun and enjoy another five minutes of peace and quiet before catering to the mundane needs of her subjects, drowning her eternal loneliness in the flesh of nearly complete strangers, and becoming high as balls.
When reached for a comment, Celestia was more than willing to speak with our on site reporter. “Wha-... uggh...” She said. “Gak! Gak! Arghh... Uggh.” Following her statement, the sun goddess proceeded to fall back onto her bed, and expunge the contents of her stomach and bladder all at once. The disoriented princess then, once again, pressed the snooze button on the sun, and went back to sleep.
The sun, which was set the previous night to rise at the set time of five in the morning by a vastly inebriated Celestia, is sitting in neutral just above the griffon empire. This instance of sun neglect have left many ponies wondering whether they should say something to the out of control, party princess. One such pony is Twilight Sparkle, the young apprentice of Celestia as well as Equestria’s newest ruler.
“I’ve tried to host an intervention,” stated Princess Sparkle after once again waking up and thinking it was still night time. “But when I tried, Celestia just ignored me, scratched her nose and asked my brother if he wanted to have a good time. Then she threw up in the punch bowl and demanded that I save Equestria by killing the snakes that were attacking her. I-I’m pretty sure there weren’t any snakes...”
Celestia cowering from the 'invisible fire-breathing snakes'
After the repeated engaging of the snooze button, Princess Celestia finally got out of bed and allowed the citizens of Equestria to bask in the radiant warmth of her magnificent star.
“You’re welcome...” Celestia grumbled before shutting her blinds and going back to sleep.
The Onion: Equestrian Bureau
Nation Grieving After Oil Tycoon's Death
Nation Grieving After Oil Tycoon's Death
Canterlot, Equestria- The nation of Equestria is in shambles today, grieving the untimely death of 88 year old oil tycoon, Wage Cuts, who will be remembered for his generous donations of oil to the coast of Equestria, as well as providing every one of his employees a place to sleep and a store to buy goods with company credits. It's no secret that the multi-billion bit philanthropist was a saint in a three piece suit, but for those few that weren't familiar with his widespread influence and popularity, here is a short biography on his life.
-Wage Cuts was born to a wealthy family, being the son of an established oil corporation owner and a Canterlot politician.
-At the age of two, Wage, or Mr. Cuts to his friends, created his first corporation that handled the buying and selling of playground commodities. This eventually became one of the most successful drug cartels in all of Equestria, until it's members dispersed into their own cartels and began having turf wars that lasted for the next ten years..
-Age 22, Wage graduates from Canterlot University with a degree in Zebra-Equestrian Studies and a minor in insider trading.
-Immediately following the tragic death of both his parents who perished in an unfortunate accident in which their car exploded moments after Wage Cuts exited the vehicle; he took over his father’s company and implemented a strict code of rules that limited employees to one bathroom break a day, required every worker to wear perimeter activated shock collars, and mandated that every employee hand over their first born foal to work in “hard to reach places.”
-Age 43, nothing worth mentioning.
-Age 75, Cuts generously donated 40,000 barrels of oil to the coast of Equestria.
-Age 78, scientists explored every possible medical route in order to prolong Wage Cuts deteriorating life. Workers rejoice upon hearing they were able to extend their employment ten years.
-Age 88, deal with the pony devil runs out; Wage Cut passes away.
A picture of the general housing provided for employees
"Ah yes I remember old Wage Cuts," stated former classmate Powder Keg. "That stallion was so nice to his workers. I remember one time, when I made a mistake with handling a new investment portfolio, Cuts was benevolent enough to only give me a few lashes and one week in the hole. Without this job, I don’t know what I would do. I don’t know if I can function... outside. It’s warmer in the company...Safer... Yes....” At this point in the interview, Powder Keg stared off into space while rubbing his hooves together. After a few loud noises made by our reporter, we were able to get his attention once again. “Sorry, but I have to go back home; where I’m loved.”
Powder Keg was unable to comment further as he was being sent to gather more sandstone to erect a large pyramid in Wage Cuts honor.
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The Onion: Equestrian Bureau
Zebra Nation Once Again Sweeps the Equestrian Games
Canterlot, Equestria- For what seems like the hundredth time in a row, Zebrica has once again swept the Equestrian Games, earning gold in nearly every event possible. The zebra lands have always been known to produce outstanding athletes, but some are beginning to think that their repeated victories are more than just a coincidence.
“Every year we invite the zebras to come and participate in our games,” stated Prince Shining Armor, former captain of the Canterlot Royal Guard. “And I don’t think there is a single recorded year where we have taken home the trophy for Equestria. I’m not even sure why we call it the Equestrian Games anymore...”
Scientists have been curious as to why ponies have never bested zebras in the games, so in response they have begun to analyze the events themselves.
“Well,” commented Azure Potion, Equestrian physical therapist” as we all know, there are 42 events in the games, including: the 100 yard dash, 200 yard dash, 1-mile run, 2-mile run, 26-mile run, 200-mile run, steeplechase, 200 meter jog, the “lion run”, and various other ground based running events. The only common ground these games share is the fact that they are all... well, ground based events. Even all flying games were outlawed twenty years ago due to the fact that the zebra nation could not compete due to the lack of feathered wings, and all that really did was take away three chances to gain a gold medal for the griffons, equestrians, and dragons. You know, it’s kind of unfair once you think about it...”
Even though many expect the Equestrians to once again lose the games, a few ponies are still optimistic. “Yeah I know we’ll lose again,” said Equestrian athlete Rainbow Dash. “But at least the zebras will never beat us in a swimming competition.”
Watermark of the 1936 Equestrian games, the only games in which zebras were denied entrance, and the one victory Equestria has, but it doesn't really matter because they can't really brag about those years.
The Onion: Equestrian Bureau
Equestrian Independence Day
Equestrian Independence Day
Ponyville, Equestria- The complaints of Cloudsdale residents climbed today as their city was once again demolished due to the annual celebration of Equestrian Independance Day, which included high payload explosives shot into the sky for entertainment purposes.
“This always happens,” commented Cloudsdale mayor, Left Wing. “Those damn unicorn and earth ponies get together every year and shoot fireworks at our city. This is the fifth time our rainbow factory has been reduced to ruins! And it’s not like they don’t know what they’re doing either. In fact, I’m pretty sure it’s a game to see how much financial damage you can do with a package of bottle rockets!” Left Wing continued to rant about the continued bombardment of his city when his office was penetrated by an explosive brandishing the name, “Big Momma” on the side. Due to his third degree burns, he was forced into the hospital.
When reached for a comment about the plight of the pegasi, Princess Celestia had this to say. “I’m well aware of the complaints of my pegasus subjects. However, you can’t really expect me to just sidle over and put an end to one of the most honored traditions in Equestrian society, do you?” The sun princess then proceeded to light a large rocket on the balcony of her palace. The explosive went high into the air and detonated just above Cloudsdale General Hospital, taking out the left wing. “Yeah! Fifty points! Um.. er, like I was saying. We’re here to celebrate Equestrian Independance Day, and if you don’t like it, you can just get out! ‘Questria!”
Many unicorn and earth ponies are happy with the outcome of this years’ festivities, but earth pony and unicorn alike are dreading the next few days which will are known as ‘the week of natural disaster.’
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The Onion: Equestrian Bureau
Unicorn Actor, Funny Depth, Set to Star as Tonto the Buffalo in Upcoming Movie
Appaloosa, Equestria- Fans from around the world are waiting with baited breath for the release of The Lone Stallion, featuring unicorn Funny Depth as a 400 pound buffalo. Although this is by far the actor’s most ambitious role to date, few carry doubts that the unicorn will be able to imitate a creature that is has an entirely different body type.
“I can’t wait for The Lone Stallion to come out,” stated a young filly named Silver Spoon. “Funny Depth is my favorite actor of all time! There’s nothing he can’t do; whether it be act as an earth pony pirate, an insane pegasus who lours foals into his glue factory, or even a big wooly mammal that can’t speak equestrian very well.”
There are still some, however, that are against the actor playing a different species in the movie. “This is a disgrace,” said Chief Thunderhooves, leader of the last remaining tribe of buffalo. “You ponies have forced my kind into extinction and now... now you decide to make a movie about the buffalo... without a buffalo! Who would have ever thought this would be a good idea?! I mean, I may have been alright with this if it had been Tom Tanks, but Funny Depth? That’s just an insult.”
Funny Depth was unable to comment as he was passed out from having to wear a 200 pound fur suit to accommodate for the difference in size.
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The Onion: Equestrian Bureau
Pomans: The Extremely Unexpected Equine Fans of My Little Human
Pomans: The Extremely Unexpected Equine Fans of My Little Human
Las Pegasus, Equestria- Last Tuesday, instead of commuting to his regular career of job hunting, Liquor Snap left for Las Pegasus to attend Pomancon, the convention entirely dedicated to the Equine fans of My Little Human. Although it may seem odd that grown stallions are watching a show about make believe humans in the whimsical world of "Earth", it has actually become a very popular trend among young males from age 14-25. Ever since the show's airing in 2010, grown Stallions have been flocking to meet-ups, conventions, and toy stores just to get more from the show.
"Yeah, I love My Little Human," says unemployed, single Stallion, Liquor Snap. "At first, I watched the show as a joke, but after watching a few episodes, I just couldn't believe how good it was. I know it sounds a bit ridiculous, you know, a show about humans with names like, John, Sarah, and Matt. But once you get past all the kiddy stuff, it's really good." Liquor Snap went on further to say that the show's characterization, writing, and overall animation was what drew him to it in the first place. "My favorite human is President Obama. He watches over the country of "America", making sure all of his Humans are safe from evil doers like "Kim Jong Un" (a recurring bad guy in the show)," Liquor Snap detailed further. "Once you get past the whole childish "war" parts, you really see a lot of adult themes like Friendship and Magic."
Liquor Snap was then kind enough to show us his costume of a human from the show named "Peter Goldenburg", a young man who is tasked by President Obama to live in the small country of "Afghanistan", and send him letters about the local threat of insurgents. "As you can tell, the main theme is a little foalish, but if you give it a chance, I swear you'll love it."
As Liquor Snap continued our interview, he inevitably got to an uncomfortable part of the fandom. "Well, a large misconception with a group is that we're all fappers, which are ponies that like to masturbate to erotic images of the show. I swear, only like 10% of us like to do that."
The Onion: Equestrian Bureau
Ms. Cheerilee, the Homework Tyrant
Ms. Cheerilee, the Homework Tyrant
Ponyville, Equestria- Today, the little colts and fillies of Ms. Cheerilee's classroom moaned and groaned as they were given homework to do using simple necessities like paper and pencils, that were probably made in a sweat shop by chinese children of the same age.
"I hate homework," said Applebloom upon receiving the small assignment that would take no more than ten minutes. "Why do we have to waste such a beautiful day outside doing useless math problems. My life sucks!"
We tracked down the factory in which the school supplies were most likely manufactured, deep inside the bowels of the Ponies' Republic of China. There we found a half-starved filly named Silver Dust, willing to give us an interview. "I not have much time," the filly started. "If foreman see me talking, I will be beaten for hour. Oh no... I have to go. Please, leave here before they.. AHH! Please help me! I sorry Mr. Whip! No, I promise I be good! No!" The filly was unable to comment further as she was too busy working overtime to fill her 4000 pencil quota for the day.
"Well, I guess the homework wasn't all bad," said a young Pegasus named Scootaloo. "I'm just thankful that it's over; and tomorrow I hear we're having a party to celebrate Saint Leaf's Day."
As the colts and fillies of Ms. Cheerilee's class slept soundly that night, having been worked tired by the palpable amount of homework they had done the day before, Silver Dust worked more overtime, filling out an over night order of four-leaf clover plates and generic party supplies.
The Onion: Equestrian Bureau
Head Mailmare Just Throws Away Mail
Head Mailmare Just Throws Away Mail
Ponyville, Equestria- After years of screw ups, mis-deliveries, and just an overall uncertainty of whether or not her only Mailmare, Derpy, would be able to get the parcels to their proper owners, head Mailmare, Proper Time, just threw away the town's mail. When reached for a comment, Time had this to say.
"I'm just fed up. Literally, all she has to do is take these letters to the addresses on the cover. How hard is that? There's only like 50 ponies in this town and half of them don't get mail. It's amazing that no pony has said anything to her. For god's sake, I don't think anypony has gotten their mail in at least a year. Ya know what, fuck it. I'm just gonna throw the mail out and take the day off."
When reached for a comment at her boss's statement, Derpy Hooves had this to say, "I just don't know what went wrong!"
The Onion: Equestrian Bureau
Pervert Pony Caught Watching Dreams
Pervert Pony Caught Watching Dreams
Pervert Pony Caught Watching Dreams
Ponyville, Equestria- After several complaints of ponies' dreams being invaded by an outside party, local police chief, No Warrant, confirmed Tuesday that their main focus is to nab this sleeping, peeping tom.
"Now, there is no telling who is doing this, but ever since the Nightmare moon incident, everypony has been complaining of this strange presence in their dreams." The police chief said to our on scene reporter.
Several reports involved have unanimously agreed on multiple aspects of the occurrences. Each vaguely described instances of the sounds of heavy breathing, soft whispers, and a strange set of blue eyes.
"I was just sleeping on a cloud like I usually do, dreaming of showering with the Wonderbolts," commented local athlete, Rainbow Dash, "when all of the sudden I heard this strange squishing noise, like someone was stepping in mud. It was totally not awesome." Although it is unlikely we will ever find this pervy pony, the police are trying a new technique to draw him/her out.
"We are baiting the perp out with a small group of scantily clad fillies who surprisingly volunteered to aid us," said No Warrant. "Then, when the fillies fall asleep, we'll go into their dreams and beat the shit outta the perv. May Luna watch over us as we journey into a realm of the unknown."
The Onion: Equestrian Bureau
Earth Pony History Month
Earth Pony History Month
Ponyville Schoolhouse, Ponyville- Today in the Ponyville Schoolhouse, a chorus of groans could be heard after the mentioning of Earth Pony History month to the student body.
"As soon as Ms. Cheerilee walked in carrying this old, dusty textbook with the words "The History of Farming" written on the cover, I knew it would be a at least a month until we learn something interesting...or in the slight bit useful,"commented Scootaloo, a young pegasus filly. "I mean its not totally lame. Earth ponies have... well they've... grown food."
Though most of the class seemed pretty upset at the news, one pony seemed very optimistic at the change in cirriculum. "Finally, we get ta the important suff,"says young Applebloom, earth pony. "Now all tha other ponies can learn about tha exciting life of tillin' crops and wrastlin' pigs. I was gettin' real tired of havin' to read about Pegasus wars and Unicorn technology. Is any ah that stuff even important? I thought not."
None of the young fillies and colts were able to comment further as they were detained by a lesson of how, Wheat Earth, a legendary earth pony, was able to pick a whole field of cotton in one day, under no supervision from his unicorn masters.
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The Onion: Equestrian Bureau
Soaren Uses Internet Marefriend Death to Solicit Apple Pie from Fans
Soarin Uses Internet Marefriend Death to Solicit Apple Pie from Fans
Cloudsdale, Equestria- Following weeks of mourning by fans of the Wonderbolts, many were alarmed to find out that the death of Soarin's internet marefriend, was actually a cleverly devised plot to obtain free apple pie. Three weeks ago, Soarin, captain of the Wonderbolts, announced the passing of his long time internet marefriend, Fragrant Breeze. However, as time passed, many fans have become suspicious of the strange behavior displayed by the world class athlete.
"At first I felt sorry for Soarin. Losing a close loved one is not easy. But then, well, I realized something was wrong when at the last show, Soaren looked like he gained 50 pounds." Of course many attributed Soarin's weight gain to the soul crushing depression he was in, but there have been other hints as well.
At the press conference announcing the tragic event, Soarin concluded with this statement: "...Please forgive me if I am unable to perform at my peak these next few weeks. I will try my best to be back on my hooves as soon as possible. Nothing will be able to rush my recovery besides the support of my friends, the love of my family, and... homemade apple pie."
"We all knew about his addiction," commented close teammate and friend, Spitfire. "We just didn't know he would take it this far."
We attempted to reach the disgraced athlete for a closing statement, but were unable due to the fact he has been in a sugar induced comma for the last four days.
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The Onion: Equestrian Bureau
New Equestrian Legislation Gives Royal Guards License to "Kick Ass"
New Equestrian Legislation Gives Royal Guards License to "Kick Ass"
Canterlot, Equestria- Following years of passionate debate, lobbies, and undecided votes, the Equestrian parliament finally decided to pass Order 254, giving Royal Guards the right to kick ass.
"Finally our day has come," says head of the royal guard, Shining Armor. "Now we can finally do more than stand around castle entrances and watch as our princesses fight the major battles. Instead of gold plated armor, each guard is receiving a leather coat and .44 magnum, along with a guide book to great one-liners."
Although the new law is being met with mostly positive reviews, there are some who are opposed to it's passing. "I vehemently oppose Order 254," commented Princess Celestia. "It's been tradition for over 1000 years to have the guard be lame as hell. They're mostly just symbols of the strength of Equestria... though, they were never supposed to have any real power."
"She said what?" added Shining Armor, donning his new attire and smoking a cigarette. "Well, that ain't gonna fly." He took a drag and put on sunglasses, looking rather bad-ass.
The Onion: Equestrian Bureau
Vacuum Cleaner Comes with Mouth Attachment
Vacuum Cleaner Comes with Mouth Attachment
Ponyville, Equestria- This Tuesday, stallions across Equestria are lining up outside Utilico outlets to purchase the new X-500 vacuum, which comes with an assortment of new features, such as a screw on mouth.
"Yeah, I'm pretty excited for the new vacuum," says repeated Utilico customer, New Dawn. "This new mouth attachment will really help pick up dirt in those "hard to reach places". The models they have made already are great and all, but this new vacuum is said to give the most realistic vacuuming experience ever."
"We asked our customers what they most wanted out of our product," says the CEO of Utilico, Dirt Suck. "After a survey of over 300 anonymous customers, the results were unanimous; a pair of bright red lips. We have no clue as to why our customers would want something like this, but we are happy to work so closely with our fans to produce a product that everyone can enjoy."
The X-500 is expected to hit record sales, having already broken every pre-order record in home appliance history. Utilico, however, is already planning it's next vacuum which comes with a small television screen only capable of accessing pornographic content.
"It will make every housewife so uncomfortable, they will finish vacuuming faster than ever... I think."
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The Onion: Equestrian Bureau
Equestria Prepares for Upcoming Sequestration
Equestria Prepares for Upcoming Sequestration
Canterlot, Equestria- Hundreds of political ponies scrambled today, preparing for a sudden shift of government into a phase known as "sequestration", even though it seems that nopony has a clear idea of what it actually has to do with anything. After an economic crises that has lasted nearly a decade and left many ponies without a job and home, Princess Celestia, our main governing body, pushed for the immediate passage of Bill 192, otherwise known as the bill of mysteries. Although many have attempted to analyze the archaic text, most have failed to make it past the table of contents which boasts a lengthy 200 page list of various emendations and clauses pertaining to something we are not quite sure we understand.
Many have waited with bated breath for the passing of this bill, including Congress pony Midnight Shower, who has stated: "I can say for one thing that this bill is definitely the smartest and most efficient way to cure our ailing country. It will surely find our middle class more jobs... or lower class... actually, I think it might be something about the banks. Yup, definitely about the banks."
Sequestration has been dated to last until early next year, while congress has been slated to understand the true meaning of the bill immediately after.
The Onion: Equestrian Bureau
Hall and Oats Day
Hall and Oats Day
Canterlot, Equestria- Today marks the 2000th anniversary of Hall and Oats Day, a holiday established upon the founding of the greatest band of all time. Thousands of ponies flocked to the Canterlot amphitheater to hear the best bands of today emulate the perfect sounds of Hall and Oats, a feat that while sounds ridiculous in itself, is a lot of fun to try, mess up, and then burst out into a fit of laughter at the idea of even matching the level of greatness achieved by Hall and Oats. Each band/artist goes on stage and attempts to create their own rendition of Hall and Oats classics such as, Private Eyes, Mare-eater, and Out of Touch; all un perishable classics that will be listened to for the next 2000 years before the eventual resurrection of the band so as to perform new songs once again.
"Oh yea, I come here every year," said an ecstatic pegasus named Scootaloo. "Hall and Oats is my favorite band of all time. I love to watch the other ponies who try to play their music. They usually start off pretty good, but it always falls apart when they try to sing the beautiful lyrics crafted by the angels that played in the original Hall and Oats band. Then everyone laughs and we listen to more Hall and Oats for another couple hours before another band tries to play. It's so much fun!"
While most ponies celebrate the day with a high amount of enthusiasm, unmatched even by Hearth's Warming Eve, some ponies are not so convinced that we are providing the great ones with the level of respect they deserve.
"I grew up listening to Hall and Oats, often enjoying throughout the day and night, and into the early morning hours," stated an elderly fan named Bit Twist. "These young ones who try to play their music are insulting the band's greatness by even considering themselves worthy of playing their music. I once thought that with enough hard work, I would be able to play a Hall and Oats cover band, but when my father heard of my foolishness, he put an end to it before I made myself look sacrilege in front of the spirits of the band's members. From then on I swore my life to protecting the band's sanctity and honor."
While many are enjoying the festivities today, the ponies of Equestria are about to begin preparing Princess Celestia Day which consists of a variety of sermons administered at local town halls for about thirty minutes before going home and watching sunday night hoofball.
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The Onion: Equestrian Bureau
Foals Dared to Sleep in Old Abandoned Glue Factory
The three fillies at the beginning of the night
Ponyville, Equestria- Following a dare which prompted many oohs and ahhs from the children of Ponyville Elementary, three fillies who dub themselves The Cutie Mark Crusaders, had no choice but to accept the challenge and prepare for a night of shrill terror inside the abandoned Ponyville glue factory.
“When Diamond Tiara started going on about me being a chicken, I had no choice,” stated Scootaloo, a young pegasus who attends Ponyville Elementary. “When she mentioned the glue factory, all I could do was accept. Oh Celestia, what have I done?”
The factory, which sources have described as the creepiest thing ever, stands atop the old Ponyville cemetery, which only adds to the grandiose amount of discomfort the three will have to endure for at least 8 hours, per the dare's rules. Even though most members of the group seem adamant about the excursion into the barren offices and abandoned factory floor, one filly is not.
“Why? Why did it have to be the glue factory?” Said the sole unicorn member of the CMC, Sweetie Belle. “I heard that a long time ago, [the factory] used to be haunted by the ghost of it’s old forepony. To this day, he still roams the halls of the building, demanding that his workers stop messing around before he calls a supervisor. I get shivers just thinking about it.” Despite her hesitations about spending the night in the creepy factory, she reluctantly agreed to Diamond Tiara’s request that she sleeps near the large furnace in the basement.
Before the trio left their clubhouse we asked why the three would agree to such a reckless adventure into the unknown.
“It’s because we can’t let that bitch Diamond Tiara have the last laugh,” said Scootaloo. “And the Cutie Mark Crusaders never turn down a challenge! Plus, we might just get our cutie marks in ghostbusting! Isn’t that right girls!” Immediately, all three busted out into a chorus of “Yeah’s” and began to head toward the factory.
“Plus, it’s not like I have anywhere else to stay the night,” commented Scootaloo.
The three brave fillies then made their way up to factory; the site of which at least 300 grisly murders were committed. Nopony has gone near the factory since the owners were convicted, but sources confirmed that the first round of murders were only the beginning.
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The Onion: Equestrian Bureau
"I Am Your God Now," says Princess Twilight Sparkle
A photo taken of the princess after the assassination
Canterlot, Equestria- Standing over the freshly slain corpse of Princess Celestia, newly coronated Princess, Twilight Sparkle, licked a layer of leftover blood from her lips and shouted to the Royal Canterlot Congress that she was their God now.
After a carefully plotted assassination of Princess Celestia by her very own star pupil, Twilight Sparkle, the nation’s politicians were surprised by the bold claim of the newly coronated princess that she was indeed, Equestria’s primary deity. After licking the blood clean off of the dagger that had been plunged deep into the neck of Princess Celestia, Sparkle turned her attention to a slightly frightened Congress.
“Do not fear, my little ponies,” Sparkle stated, eyes wide open and beaming brightly. “You have been freed from the tyrannical rule of this dried up old hag. You have a new God now...” Immediately, Sparkle began to rattle off changes to be made to the Equestrian constitution like an emendation to give the Canterlot Royal library a budget of 20 million bits more than last year, a new law that states everypony who is not a princess must fill out the proper request forms in triplicate before any magic can be performed, and the law preventing the enslavement of earth ponies be repealed.
“My loyal subjects,” Sparkle announced to the many Congressponies in session as she calmly cleaned blood off of the blade of her dagger, “Do not fear your new, sole ruler. I promise I will be fair and just, and answer your prayers in a prompt manner.” Taking a step over the bleeding carcass of our once benevolent leader, she continued to pace around the podium and preach to her politicians, new policies and laws to be administered immediately to the Equestrian constitution.
“First I require every citizen to have one portrait of me placed inside their homes, just above the fireplace or somewhere that will be displayed for all to see. Once a day, the families of all my little ponies will gather around my picture and take turns saying thanks for allowing them to live their redundant lives under my caring and protecting wings. Oh, how beautiful are my wings?!” The newly coronated princess then spent several minutes admiring the two appendages that had recently sprouted from her back.
“Now bring me your virgins.” Sparkle added.
Reluctantly, Congress agreed to fulfill Princess Sparkle’s wishes due to the fact that the Equestrian economy is tanking and there probably won’t be a government next week.
The Onion: Equestrian Bureau
Mating Game Show
Las Pegasus, Equestria
Critics everywhere are praising the Pony Broadcast Channel for its new hit program, The Mating Game Show, which aired Tuesday to a record breaking audience of 500,000 viewers across Equestria. The Mating Game show has quickly become the most popular television show in history, boasting an almost perfect 9.6/10 rating and landing a deal to air for the next ten years. It has even beat out TBS's most successful programs, including "Let's Have Sex!", and the increasingly engaging daytime drama, "Porn".
The show begins with Solar Flare, the programs host, trotting on stage and asking the audience, "Who wants to... find a mate?!" The audience then rushes the stage in an effort to claim the available seats so as to compete for a mate. It is at this point in the show that a medical team stands by to be sure that nopony is severely injured in the scuffle on stage. After everything settles down, the losing audience returns to their seats and the game commences. One member of the audience sits in "The Love Seat", while three others sit on the other side of a divider in their own chairs. Solar Flare then rings a bell, commencing the question and answer round which consists of 30 second intervals where the contestant in the love seat is allowed to ask each suitor basic questions. Some typical questions include, "What's your favorite color?", "How old are you?", and "Are you an flank or tits, stallion?".
Because the game is designed to find the perfect mate for the main contestant, voice technology prevents him/her from hearing the other contestants true voices, and a divider prevents them from seeing each other as well. Though, this often adds to the confusion considering all of the seats were picked randomly out of the audience. It would not be unheard of to have four stallions or four mares competing at the same time as seen in the second episode of the show when a mare named Blossomforth found out her perfect mate was also a mare who was named Cheerilee. The two then meet in the middle of the stage under a lone spotlight and get at it right in front of the audience. After both contestants are fully satisfied, the show concludes.
With the huge success of the mating game show, producers are already planning a Mating Game Show specifically to cater to children. It is expected to garner that much needed family demographic as well as the nations pedophiles.
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The Onion: Equestrian Bureau
“Princess Luna is Taking the Kids Again, Dear,” Comments Multiple Canterlot Residents
Canterlot, Equestria- Upon witnessing his children once again floating out of their bed and into the open night sky, Canterlot resident Malt Shake sighed, put down his newspaper, and reported to his wife that the Princess of the Night once again abducted their two foals.
“Yeah, this happens all the time,” said Malt Shake offhoofedly to one of our reporters while finishing his crossword puzzle. “I’m sure she’ll bring them back eventually. I mean, she usually does anyway.” The stallion continued to take a sip of his coffee before turning back to his paper. “At first, I was a little concerned over the fact that my children- who are both unicorn by the way- floated out of the windows and into the sky where we could hear the faint singing of the second most powerful figure in our government. But after the first twenty times, we kind of just got used to it.”
Although many concerned parents have reported these foalnappings to the authorities, the Canterlot police chief has reportedly, “Ceased accepting complaints of the nature relating to said abductions.” When pressed for a comment, the chief stated: “Look, I don’t know what these ponies want me to do. It’s not like I can arrest her or anything. For Celestia’s sake, she’s a Princess! She even takes my daughter on these weird night flights with her! Little Snowball hasn’t gotten a good night of sleep in two months!”
While the parents of the foals are either past the point of caring, or too tired to raise any charges, sources confirmed that Princess Luna has been happier than she has ever been since her banishment ended. “Ah yes, we are most joyed to see that these young ones are enjoying the night as much as us. Ever since our flights began, we’ve been able to overcome the massive depression that has plagued us ever since our stay on the moon. For once... for once we feel happy.” A single tear rolled down our ruler’s face as she took off into the night sky to round up her “Children of the Night”, as she called them.
“Well,” said Malt Shake. “At least Celestia stopped taking our foals to her bedchambers during the day. Celestia knows what she did to them in there.”
