The Problem of Other Sapients, Memoirs of a Manby PhilobronyChaptersIn Which Phones and Potions are UsedIn Which an Apology is Accepted, and Introductions are MadeIn Which Both Monolouge and Dialouge OccursIn Which Royalty is Met, and Matters of Absolute Importance are DiscussedIn Which a Timeskip Occurs, and a Lovely Meal is Had by AllIn Which the Cake Not Eaten, and an Ultimately Pointless Conversation is HadIn Which Some Bad Fish Makes Itself ApparentIn Which a Fairy Is ChasedIn Which a Confrontation Occurs, and Research is DoneIn Which Phones and Potions are UsedBeing unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody, I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat. -Mother Teresa I sat and thought some more. I could never go home, or see my family again. My book would never get published, and the worst part? I had the draft on my computer with me. It's times like these when iTunes comes in handy. Pulling out my phone, I selected one of the gloomier pieces*, and stuck in my earbuds. I knew that it was going to dark very soon, and I needed shelter. I slunk along the forest's edge looking for anything that could make a reasonable place to sleep. I came across nothing of use, and resolved to try my hand at finding something within the forest itself. I turned off my phone to conserve the battery, power being something that I would probably never be able to obtain again. Sad, I know. I came across a small path within the forest and walked along it. It gave me a sense of security, even as the sun finally set. I couldn't see by the light of the moon or stars because the trees were blocking light. I stopped and pulled out my phone, sighing at the fact that I had to use more of its precious power as a flashlight. Phone in hand, I continued walking down the path. It wasn't long before I got the feeling of being watched. If it was a predator, I was screwed. I had no weapons, save perhaps swinging my laptop around, something that I was loathe to do. The feeling intensified before I heard a howl. I instinctively started, turning around to see if anything was near me. "Calm down old boy, wolves don't usually eat humans," I said to myself. I heard another howl, this one sounding closer to me. "Then again, they probably don't know that we're predators, too." I spun around, eyes darting in every direction, hoping that they didn't attack my back. I saw something out of the corner of my eye, two glowing green eyes staring at me menacingly. I was transfixed in fear, but not before noticing that they were all around me, waiting for an opportunity to strike. "Back you fiends!" I attempted to shout, but my voice cracked in fear. I heard a growl behind me, and I spun around to face my attacker. Sadly, this was a diversionary tactic, and the wolf that I was looking at earlier pounced, knocking me over, my phone clattering away. I scrambled to turn over, and what I saw surprised me. The wolf appeared to be made out of wood. I was jolted out of my curiosity when he bit down on my left leg. I screamed in pain, attempting to kick my assailant off of me with my other leg. Another wolf came up behind me and bit my flailing arm. Again I screamed. I was a goner. Two of my limbs were incapacitated, possibly permanently, and several other wolves were ready to kill me. I heard a cry coming from the trees, then I saw a flash of light erupting from the wolf on my leg's muzzle. He let go, squealing in pain. The one on my arm quickly followed suit, giving his own anguished cry. "Mbali na wewe!" came a voice. I looked up and saw a hooded figure standing over me. It was in the seem shape as the ponies from earlier, and it held a staff in one hoof and a small pot in the other. Normally, I would remark on the physical impossibility of such an act, but extenuating circumstances prevented that. Circumstances like the fact that I was going to die. "What a strange creature you are," she said. "It is a good thing that my house is not too far." When I tried to talk, all I could get out was a small squeak. "You must be terribly injured, to be unable to say more than a whimper." I was panting heavily, barely managing to remain conscious. "Shhh, I'm here, there is no need to fear," she said softly. My vision faded to black. ~~~===***===~~~ I awoke to an alarming pain in both my left arm and left leg. "AGGHH," I cried. The pony from last night rushed to my side, lifting my head up and tipping the contents of a small cup into my mouth. "Drink as much as you can, if you want everything to go according to plan," she said to me. The potion's effects were almost immediate, and the pain in my limbs subsided to a throbbing ache. Not much of an improvement, but an improvement nonetheless. I looked at me savior. She was a zebra. Seriously, she was a small zebra with a mohawk and a lot of gold rings. "Who are you?" I asked after a weighty silence. "Zecora is my name, alchemy is my game," she replied. "Thank you." She simply nodded. "So, how's the injuries?" "I fear that you may lose your left legs, but better than losing your life instead," she said. I inhaled slowly, letting the words sink in. "I take it the damage is... severe?" "It is as you fear," she replied. I gulped. She went back to her business while I lay there in silence. I could lose the use of both my left arm and leg. The thought was troubling, to say the least. As it was, I couldn't move them without intense pain, and when I examined my arm, I found it wrapped in tightly wound gauze. I sighed. "I have something for you, as well as drink and food," Zecora said. She brought in my bag containing my laptop. I was genuinely (and pleasantly) surprised to see that it worked fine. My phone did not fare so well. Although it was working, cracks spiderwebbed the screen. Next, she brought food, which was some sort of porridge, and some water. She had to spoon feed me the porridge, a long and tedious (not to mention, embarrassing) process, that neither of us enjoyed. After that, she ate her own soup. When she was finished, she came and sat next to the mat where I had been laid. "Zecora?" She turned to me. "Thank you. Again." "Tell me, what is your name? Where are you from, that I've never seen your kin?" "That was a poor rhyme, my friend," I said. "It is traditional to speak in rhyme, ever since you turn nine," she replied. "Not all zebras, just the medicine fillies, even if it is rather silly." "Well, I think it's silly too. As to answer your question, my name is Josh. I am from planet earth, more specifically, the United States of America, more specifically... I've moved around a lot." "As a friend of the Equestrian crown, I want to welcome you to the town." "Does the town have ponies?" She nodded. "Well, last time I met one, she kicked me off of her property and called me a monster!" "If it is as you say, then I must be on my way," she said. "Where are you going?" "Into the town I must go, to let the little ponies know." "What if the medicine wears off?" "It should last for awhile yet, it just in case, more by you I'll set," she said, pouring another glass and laying it on the ground next to me, as well as giving me more water. "What am I going to do in the meantime?" I asked. She sighed and pulled a book from a nearby shelf and set it down beside me. "Another would probably be good, I read quickly." She pulled yet another book down, and walked out the door. "I think I may have annoyed her a bit." *Note: Read with the music. In Which an Apology is Accepted, and Introductions are MadeFor every minute you remain angry, you give up sixty seconds of peace of mind. -Ralph Waldo Emerson I looked at the books by my side. The first was on medicinal herbs, something which might come in handy if I ever recovered. The second was entitled "A Brief History of the Southern Nations: An Amateur's Guide to the Zebra, Antelope, and Other Southern Tribes, Second Edition. "She picked these books to spite me! Well, she failed, I do like my history," I spoke to thin air, opening the book and beginning to read. ~~~===***===~~~ I looked up from where I lay at Zecora, who had just walked in. With her were six ponies, including the... Female, that called me a monster. I am still a bit miffed about that. Two of them appeared to be pegasai, and two were unicorns. Interesting. One of the ponies squeaked when she saw me. I could tell that she was female because she, well, she squeaked. "Oh you poor dear," she said with worry. I regarded her with curiosity. "Applejack, you've seen him with your own eyes. Tell me now that you won't apologize," said Zecora. "Ah'm... Ah'm sorry..." She said, tears beginning to form in her eyes. "No tears, you'll make me cry too," I said. Several of the ponies looked at me with shock, save for the yellow one and the still sobbing girl (for lack of a better term). One of the ponies, sheer pink in color, with her mane and coat being a different shade, walked over to the orange girl and comforting her. "Ah'm sorry..." Tears began to well up in my eyes. I laughed a bit. "What's so funny? Can't you see she's sorry?" asked the pink one indignantly. "Look at me, crying over someone who called me a monster," I said. "If it's any consolation, that was the appropriate reaction." "It was..?" the orange pony asked. "Well, maybe not, but I would hardly expect you to swear your undying loyalty to me," I replied. "From what I understand, humans don't exist here, wherever I am. You can't be faulted for being wary of the unknown." "Ah still feel awful 'bout it, though," she replied, wiping her eyes. "That's to be expected. If anything, that just means you're not a monster. The greatest trait one can have is empathy, and while you didn't have it before when concerning me, you have it now," I said. "Yeah, not to interrupt this touching moment and all, but you said that hu... somethings don't exist here. Are you an alien?" butted in one of the pegasai. She was bright blue with a startling rainbow mane. If that wasn't a dye job, I'd eat my figurative hat. Better yet, I'd buy a new hat and eat it. "It would seem so. As far as I know, talking brightly colored ponies don't exist. I could be crazy, but I haven't had any mental problems before, so that seems unlikely," I replied. "So much of the world is yet to be charted, how do you know you just didn't get lost? The forest has strong magic, it's not beyond the realm of possibility that you traveled further than you walked," said another one, a purple unicorn. "Magic? Hah! Magic doesn't exist! And, to answer your question, the fact that the world hasn't been charted yet tells me that I'm not on my planet," I said. "You've charted your whole planet? How did you do that without magic?" she asked. "Simple. Not simple, really, but not impossible," I said. "You need to launch a satellite into space and have it take a picture of the planet. That's the short version. I'm not a rocket scientist," I said, chuckling at my own joke. "You've sent a ship into space?" she asked me. "More than that, we've sent a manned ship to the moon. And planted a flag there. Not sure that was necessary really, it's like 'We claim the moon! If any aliens are out there that have flags, this pointless lump of rock is ours!'" "Ah'd hate ta interrupt," said the orange mare, the last of her tears gone. "Oh yes, of course. Lass, it's... it's not fine. It really isn't, but there's no way you could have known. My getting attacked is not your fault. Now, I do hold you responsible for your disparaging comments, but my injury had nothing to do with you, ok?" She nodded. "Now that that's settled," I said, "I believe proper introductions are in order. My name is Josh." "Applejack," replied the orange pony. "Twilight," replied the purple unicorn. "Rainbow Dash, fastest flyer in Equestria!" said the blue pegasus. "Hi! My name is Pinkie!" said the pink one. She gasped loudly, "I need to throw a welcome party for you!" "My name is Rarity," replied the white one in a very dignified manner. "And you?" I asked the yellow one. "My name is... Fluttershy." "Speak up," I said. "Fluttershy." "I can see why. Tell me, why did you take special interest with me when you walked in?" I asked. "Oh, I work with animals a lot. I don't like it when they're hurt," she said. "I'll try not to be offended," I replied. "Oh, I'm sorry-" "I was just joking." I turned to Twilight, "Now, why do you think magic exists?" "It's all around us! Everything has magic in it!" "Show me." Her horn glowed. At first, I didn't notice anything, but then, I saw it. The book was levitating. "We'll done, but there has to be a wire somewhere." "Is that really not enough proof?" I thought for a moment. An idea came to me, a terrible, possibly painful, and easily falsifiable idea. Have her levitate me. Or, better yet, a part of me. "Levitate my hand." "What?" "Lift my arm up with magic." She complied. I stared at my involuntarily raised arm. I sort of felt like something was brushing against me, the sort of thing that gives one goosebumps. "My God," was all I could muster. She let go of my arm. "I must say, I'm impressed," I said. "I'm impressed that you can survive without magic. Is it all right if I run some tests? Humans haven't been seen in over two thousand years and-" "Wait, you know of my people?" I asked. "The last one died over two thousand years ago, killed in a siege." "Anything else?" "Very little, only that you have little magic, not unlike the antelope, and that you had terrible weapons when you had actual cities." "Let me guess, guns?" "What are they?" "See, you use an explosive to propel a projectile at high speeds towards a target." "Can it go through armor?" "Depends. The earliest firearms were unable to penetrate very heavy armor. As the technology improved, standard plate armor became obsolete, but not until several centuries of advancement had passed." "Firearms?" Twilight asked. "A term for guns, so named because early guns appeared to shoot fire." "Hmm. So, can I run some tests on you?" "Only ones that don't involve me getting up," I replied. "Why not?" she asked. Do you not see the bandages? I can't walk until this heals up. If you want to take a blood sample, or something of the sort, go right ahead. Also, how would a hospital staff respond to my presence?" "Not well. Applejack is a very level headed pony, and she freaked out when she saw you." I grimaced. After a brief pause, I said, "Well, it's been fun. Come back if you want the samples, but you will have to take them yourself, for obvious reasons." "Will do," she said, walking out. The others followed her, save Fluttershy. "Did you want something?" I asked. "I see it in your eyes. You don't think you'll be able to walk again, do you?" "No." "Fluttershy? You coming?" called one of the others. "I'd be glad to help you. I live slightly closer to the town, and may be able to get supplies more easily, if that's alright with you." "I'm not exactly mobile. If my condition improves, I might take you up on the offer, but until then..." "Oh, well, I've got to go. Bye." "Farewell," I responded. "Tell me Zecora, how did she know?" I asked. "She sees others souls, all their joys, fears, and woes," she replied. "I don't think I could be her," I said. In Which Both Monolouge and Dialouge OccursOne advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody's listening. -Franklin P. Jones Much of the day passed me by quickly. I continued to read the history book until the pain in my limbs flared up again. After drinking the potion, I inquired about books other than herbs and histories. Turns out, she had a copy of the first two books in a best selling fictional series called 'Daring Do.' The series intrigued me, at first as a glimpse into Equestrian culture, and later, after the first few chapters, because it was awesome. Let's put it this way: Indiana Jones+Pegasus+Demon Cat... thing+ I was going more easy on it than normal from sheer boredom. I was about halfway through it when dinner was served, and boy was I hungry. And a little bit nauseous, which, according to Zecora, was a standard side effect when given to mammals. The food was more porridge. Yeah. Personally, I had hoped for something with actual flavor, but then again, I am freeloading. After dinner, Zecora decided to talk to me, seeing as we had little else to do (although I was itching to get back to the book). "I noticed something odd when you talked to the ponies, you said their magic was a phony," she said. "Yes, I did. Where I come from, magic is naught but a silly tale to tell to children before bedtime." "Why to you not believe in magic? To me, this seems tragic." "Because we have explored our planet and found no such thing. No monsters, or wizards. No fairies or sprites, nothing. That is why I came here, you see. I was walking through the woods and saw a floating light. I chased it and fell off a small cliff. When I came to, I was here." "Tell me, how you can control day and night? A world with the heavens stuck in place would be quite a sight!" "Control day and night? Are you mental?" "You mean to say that the sun and moon are stuck in the sky? How do your people survive?" "They are not stuck! We move around the sun through gravity, and the moon moves around us for the same reason." She seemed troubled by this. "Do you have a cutie mark on your flank? Or is your skin blank?" "A what?" "I guess not," she paused for a moment. "Something to say, I have not." I thought for a moment, "Tell me, you said something about controlling the sun and moon through magic. How do you do this?" "The princesses have the power to move the heavens every few hours." "Are they gods?" "Perhaps, perhaps not, the truth? I know not." "That's helpful. I'm assuming you are a monarchy then?" "Diarchy, to be more precise, a princess of day and a princess of night." "Wait, the princesses are the rulers?" She nodded. "I wonder, who used to be king?" "I don't know, but it must have been long ago," she replied. ~~~===***===~~~ Spike was asleep by the time Twilight returned. After visiting Josh, the girls went into town and talked about what had happened. It was fairly late by the time they had finished their dinner, or rather, finished the hours long talk following it. It was good that Spike was asleep though, she hated keeping secrets from him. While nopony insisted that she didn't speak of it, she felt it was wise to reveal as little as possible to Spike, or anonymous else that wasn't involved. Nonetheless, it was confirmed that the human did indeed exist. Twilight needed to write a letter. Dear Princess Celestia, In the forest today was a strange creature, a human. I know that I already sent a letter about this, which you dismissed, but today I saw him with my very own eyes. He suffered terrible injury at the claws of a pack of timber wolves, and is currently recovering in Zecora's hut. I am asking that either you, Luna, or both of you come and meet him. Despite what the few sources that speak of humans say, he seems nice enough, and even forgave Applejack for her inhospitality, despite it indirectly leading to his injury. He says his species lacks magic completely, something which is entirely impossible. Even what few records remain say that humans had only a little magic, but certainly not nothing! If what he says is true, it could fundamentally alter our perception of reality as a species. Aside from my obvious giddiness at the prospect of such a groundbreaking discovery, the human, Josh, is seriously injured, and cannot seek medical assistance from Ponyville General. He is in no state to be moved anyway, as one of his legs is incapable of supporting his weight. Given that he has only two legs in the first place, he really cannot move from his mat in Zecora's place. I suppose I could teleport him, but the fact that he (supposedly) lacks magic could make the process difficult or dangerous. Back to the main point, you do need to visit. The alien does indeed exist, that should be reason enough to come. Even if that is not reason enough, (although I can't imagine why it wouldn't be) I haven't seen you in quite a while. Perhaps some tea? Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle Without Spike to send it, she would have to do it the old fashioned way, long-distance teleportation. A draining spell, to say the least, but she didn't want to send it through one of the various post offices. Casting the spell was tiring, so she decided to go to bed a bit early tonight. After all, she had a big day tomorrow. She was practically salivating at the chance to analyze the blood samples from the human. Yes, tomorrow would be a good day. ~~~===***===~~~ It was late, nearly midnight, but I couldn't sleep. I had been pretending to be asleep for about an hour, waiting for Zecora to nod off. Judging by the faint snores coming from the other side of the hut, she had finally fallen asleep. I sighed. "Why..?" I whispered. "Why me?" Tears began to form in my eyes. "Why did I chase the fairy? I had a good life, pleasant, uninterrupted by the troubles that plagued many. All of that gone now," I said. By now, the tears fell freely. "I likely will never walk again. Stuck here forever, in more ways than one." I turned up to the sky, "If this is for some higher purpose, tell me, whatever's up there. I know I rarely pray, but please, give me the consolation of knowing. Was this unintentional? Why am I here? To teach? To learn? Both? Neither? "Bah," I said, "Whether this was intended or not, I've already found purpose. I simply have a new setting. Life goes on, I am simply a fish that strayed down the wrong branch of the river." I wiped my eyes, "Where is my optimism? In the face of dire circumstances, I have always believed that each day is better than the last. It seems that even that has been robbed from me. "I miss home. Even the paperwork. Never thought I'd say that. I even miss Mill, that lousy cat. That poor cat, no one'll feed him. "This is a good opportunity, though. I can use all my abstract thoughts and musings in reality. I wonder, does anyone openly disapprove of the diarchy? I shall have to meet with them." I sighed, "Nonetheless the primary course of action is clear, find a way home." Zecora began to stir. I decided that I had monologued enough, and I closed my eyes. Tomorrow would be... interesting, to say the least. I fell asleep quickly. In Which Royalty is Met, and Matters of Absolute Importance are DiscussedThe greater the power, the more dangerous the abuse. -Edmund Burke "For the Lady's sake, you must awake!" said Zecora. "Graah," I mumbled in a manner closely resembling that of a zombie. "What are the side effects of that potion?" "The princesses will be here soon, I don't have time to feed you with a spoon!" "The princesses? Why are they coming now? I'm in the worst shape of my life!," I replied. She darted about tidying up her hut. She gave me more medicine and a glass of water. Both were greatly appreciated. "Man, I must look like a mess," I said after drinking both the medicine and the water. There was a knocking on the door. "Well, that's... convenient." "Come in, my friends," Zecora said. In came Twilight, and two ponies that I presumed were the princesses. They were larger than the other ponies, the white one (obviously Celestia) considerably more so. "I apologize for my appearance. Had I known that I would be acting as defacto ambassador of the human race this early, I might of gotten up sooner," I said. "I know of the dire circumstances that have befallen you. There is no reason to apologize," Celestia replied. "As rulers of Equestria, we welcome you to our great nation," Luna chimed. I needed to remain calm. I was representing my race to the rulers after all. No pressure or anything. "I assume that you are the heads of state?" I asked. "And of government," Celestia replied. "I thought so, but I needed to be sure," I said. "Josh, can I take the samples now?" Twilight asked. "Of course,"I replied. She beamed at me, pulling out medical supplies. I was beginning to become a bit uneasy, she wasn't a trained medical professional (I think). Actually, she knew little of human anatomy. She could poke around twenty times before finding a vein. Twilight spoke, "Where do humans usually have their blood drawn from?" Good, she thought of that. "Inside the elbow. There's a fairly exposed vein there," I replied. "I don't want to hurt you more..." "It's ok, I'm hyped up on painkillers. I won't feel a thing." I hope. It did take three tries before she got it, but that was better than I expected. I really didn't feel it, which might be the primary reason it went so well. Zecora bandaged my arm a bit to stop the bleeding. "So, tell me about your realm," spoke Celestia, breaking the rather thick layer of ice. "It's... very different, I must say. For one thing, there are no magical forests," I said. "I hear there's no magic at all," Celestia replied. "True," I said. "I assume that Twilight told her what she knows." "Yes, she did, but I am curious, who are the rulers of your people?" "Theoretically, the people themselves." "Really?" asked Luna. "Things aren't always that simple, but yes. That's the theory, anyway." "How so?" "It's a representative system. You vote for someone with a similar political platform, and he represents your state, essentially an arbitrary area of land. There are two houses in which you can be represented..." and so I explained the American political system to them. ~~~===***===~~~ "You humans are odd," said Luna. "Indeed. Honestly, we need a better system of government. Ours is too..." I trailed off, trying to find the word I was looking for. Before I could continue, an urgent problem came to my attention. I needed to take a leak. Badly. Honestly, I'm surprised I haven't needed to yet. "Is there anything else you would like to know?" I asked in a futile attempt to hasten their departure. "Twilight here will certainly want another interview, but that will do for now," Celestia said. "Goodbye." "Farewell," said Luna, as they walked out the door. "There's so much I need to know!" Twilight squee'd. "Actually, I need to... relieve myself. Zecora, is there any way to get some privacy?" I asked. "I could levitate you," said Twilight. Oh dear God. "That wo-" I was stopped by my bladder. "If you can, go ahead. As many objections as I have to this plan, it's better than the alternative." So she levitated me outside. I was floating about half a foot off the ground. "Upright and facing away from you, please," I said. After that awkwardness (my God, that was probably the third worst experience in my life) she floated me back onto my mat. "So tell me, why do you have such an inefficient government?" Twilight asked me. "To let the common man have a voice. Admittedly, we do a bad job of it sometimes, but it's better than it used to be." "You could switch to an Equestrian system." "Absolute rulers? No thanks, I like my freedom." "Freedom and autocracy are not mutually exclusive." "That is true. History, however, has shown that autocrats begin to care less and less for the people as time goes on, eventually trampling upon the populace." "Who would do such a thing?" "Anyone, if no one was their to stop them. Even if they don't infringe on the rights of the people, there's always the potential for abuse. After all, our benevolent king's son could be a tyrant once he takes the throne." "Why don't you just... Oh," she said. "Exactly. No magic means that our rulers are mortal and will pass on their titles to an heir. An heir which isn't as good as the old king." "I can see why such an odd system would be put into place them. Surely though, you would prefer an immortal ruler." "As if! Many humans, especially those of my country, has a deep distrust of absolute rulers, myself included." "Why?" "There's a saying that best sums up my culture's view on dictatorships: Power corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely." "That's absurd! With that mentality, nopony is deserving of any power!" "The idea of democracy is to give everyone equal power. That way, the bad do not become monarchs." "But the good can't rule either! That doesn't do anypony good!" "But it doesn't do bad either. We have successfully diminished the risk at the cost of few rewards." "It's better for society to have a benevolent autocrat than a democracy. Democracy is inefficient and destroys the good in society, even as is destroys the bad. There's no sense in it!" "Since when do people make sense? We are not rational beings, we are emotional ones. Logic means nothing to a strong heart and firm convictions. Is it not the same with ponies?" "... It is," she reluctantly replied. "Perhaps we are not battling wits, but rather clashing convictions to see whose are stronger." She pursed her lips at this. "You are convinced that autocracy is a good thing, because you have a benevolent system. I am convinced of the opposite, because autocrats on my world were apathetic or even malevolent. To each of us, history proves our side correct. Either way, I have thoroughly enjoyed this conversation." "But-" "No," I interrupted. "You are getting too worked up about it. Bad debates happen when one side gets angry at the other." She nodded. "Good." Zecora decided to trot in then. "You can stay for brunch. There's plenty to munch," she said to Twilight. She was about to protest that it wasn't necessary, when her stomach growled. "Hehe..." she blushed. "If you're good, you can give him food," she said, indicating me. I glared at her in mock annoyance. She laughed. I quickly joined in. In Which a Timeskip Occurs, and a Lovely Meal is Had by AllObscenity is whatever happens to shock some elderly and ignorant magistrate. Bertrand Russel The days and weeks towards recovery passed in a perpetual state of semi-boredom. I was never short on reading materials, as Twilight evidently ran a library. She would bring books to me, and I would read them, but at the same time, I could do little save read. Occasionally, she or one of her friends would drop by, and we'd have a pleasant conversation, usually about some inconsequential subject such as the weather outside, or something more serious, such as the fact that the weather outside of the forest was generally controlled by pegasai. This alarmed me at first, but I quickly realized that it meant less than I expected, as having sun all the time was bad for crops and the like, meaning that variations in the weather were essential. They were controlled and carefully calculated variations, but variations nonetheless. Something that did intrigue me was the progression of seasons, unchanged from my world and uncontrollable by the ponies. At least some things were the same as back home. After nearly two months of herbal treatment and grueling physical therapy, I managed to hobble around the small hut by holding onto the walls. I still couldn't walk properly even though the wound had sealed up, a testament to the muscle damage the bite had caused. My arm was usable, but it was painful to move my wrist any great amounts. A simple cane was fashioned for me, and I began to master the art of walking without using my left leg. I emerged from the hut for the first time in ten weeks, resolving to walk a few hundred yards. I failed miserably, but my resolve did not, and within a few more weeks, I was able to walk great distances when using a cane. Visits from one of the ponies grew infrequent, to the point of only Fluttershy or Twilight visiting me with any regularity, Fluttershy to check on my recovery and Twilight to give me new books and take old ones. Neither came for two weeks, and I began to grow worried. My fears were unfounded, certainly. Most likely life had simply caught up with them and they were too busy to come. The truth, while not far off, was much more complicated. These complexities were revealed to me in great detail when they next came, with the others in tow. They also had several ponies donning greco-roman armor guarding them. Twilight now possessed a pair if wings, which indicated that she was next in line, or rather, second, after Princess Luna. Her guards eyed me nervously. I was much taller than them, and I carried a cane, an effective weapon in a pinch. I had no intention of harming them, of course, but they didn't know that and they likely wouldn't have taken my word for it anyway. "Congrats," I said. "I don't suppose debating government with a princess would be a good idea?" I asked. Twilight chuckled. The guards carried a collective expression of 'we are not amused.' "There is some business to attend to," Twilight said. "Oh?" "I am here to escort you to Canterlot." I facepalmed at the name. "What was tha-" "It's nothing, just... it's a cultural thing. Long story, don't ask." "Ah. So..." she trailed off. "Do I have a choice?" I asked. "Not really," she said apologetically. I sighed. "When are we leaving, then?" "I'll be back this evening. Before I go, do you have those library books?" "Yeah." I hobbled back into the cottage to retrieve them. I handed them to Twilight. "You're a princess now, why do you need the books?" I asked. "Just giving them to the new librarian. I've moved to Canterlot." "Ah. So, why am I going to Canterlot?" "There is a diplomatic summit to introduce me. Celestia thought that it would be a good time to introduce you, too." "Makes more sense than anything else that's happened here." She seemed a bit put off by those words. I don't blame her. She departed, saying she'd be back in a few hours. ~~~===***===~~~ It had been a long time since I had a proper cleaning. Oh sure, I had a few sponge baths and the like, but sitting in the river felt good. The grime that had collected over the last few months was washed away, and Zecora's soap left me feeling the cleanest since I arrived here. My clothes were also washed. Three months can do a number on them, even if they were washed fairly regularly. I desperately needed some new ones. Twilight flew in by chariot, drawn by the burly guards. "Are you sure this is safe?" I asked her, getting in the chariot. "It's fine." "If you say so." The next half-hour or so can best be described as the most terrifying experience of my life. What idiot decided that a Greek chariot would make a good air transportation vehicle? It also occurred to me that the guards were the first male ponies I had seen. It's amazing what you notice when you're about to die. Nonetheless, we arrived safely. "My God," was all I could say as I attempted to leave the chariot. It's a bit difficult to ride in those things with only one working leg. "Are all humans this afraid of heights?" Twilight asked. "It's not the heights, it's the thousand foot drop that scares me," I replied. "And no, we are not all scared of heights, but is it one if the more common phobias." "I see," she replied. We walked for several minutes in silence. I finally broke the ice by asking for more specifics on the meeting. "You'll see in a second," she responded. A lot of good that did me. ~~~===***===~~~ We finally arrived at our destination, about time too, it is quite difficult to walk for that long with a cane and one working leg. "We're here," Twilight said. "Oh thank God." "Are you tired already?" "One leg," I reminded her. "Hmm. Anyways," she said, opening the massive double doors, " Welcome to Canterlot!" Before me was a massive table covered in various foods and drinks. Sitting in the chairs were Twilight's friends, the Princesses, and two ponies I presumed were Cadance and Shining Armor. I had a lot of time to read up on events both current and ancient. Court politics are much more interesting than they are made out to be. As soon as I walked in, all heads turned to Twilight and I. I started leaning on my cane in an effort to make me seem less hostile. "Hi Josh!" called Pinkie cheerfully. Everyone else stayed silent. Celestia finally spoke up, "Welcome." "I, uh, apologize for my appearance. These are the only clothes I... have," I stammered. "Oh, darling, don't worry about it, I plan on making you new ones," said Rarity. "Ah. Good, then." "Josh," Twilight said, "I would like to introduce you to my brother, Shining Armor, and his wife Princess Cadance," Twilight said. "Good evening," I said. "Welcome to Canterlot," Cadance said. Shining merely nodded while eyeing me warily. While I was somewhat offended by this, I really couldn't blame him. "Josh, sit by me!" Pinkie called, gesturing to an empty seat beside her. I sat down by her, Rainbow being unsubtle that it was a bad deal, but if there's one thing I enjoy, it's turning bad circumstances into something hilarious or not quite as bad. Quite being the operative word. The meal was good enough, I didn't eat as much as I normally would have. Some of it was nervousness, of course, but most of it was grass. Both the food and the reason I didn't eat. The bread and pastries, both of which I consumed quite a bit of, were delicious, as were the fruits. The salads were... salads, bland but not terrible. I waited expectantly for the main course, and all I got was dessert. "Is it normal to eat dessert first here?" I asked. "What do you mean?" Asked Twilight. "Well, there was no-" And then it hit me. They were herbivores. "Nevermind," I said. "What is it?" Twilight pressed. "You don't want to know." "Why do you say that?" "It will disgust you." "What is it?" "In my society, it isn't a meal without..." "What?!" "... Meat." She was completely taken aback by this response. Most of the ponies were aghast at my utterance, and Shining drew a sword concealed within his armor. Celestia spoke, "That's enough. Prince, stand down." He had no intention of the sort and began moving towards me. I sprung out of my chair as quickly as I could, considering my leg, and backpedaled as much as the nearby wall would allow. "Stand down," Celestia repeated. "He is a monster, and needs to be-" "I ORDER YOU TO STAND DOWN THIS INSTANT," Celestia boomed. That did the trick. My ears were ringing, but it could have gone worse. I could be dead. "That was uncalled for. Other species on this planet eat meat, and you do not purge them." "He is unnatural. You saw the results if the blood tests," Shining said. "Hold on, you say that my blood isn't natural?" I asked. "Wait, are these tests conducted on the two month old blood?" "They weren't two months old at the time, but yes," Twilight said. "What are these so-called "unnatural" results?" I inquired. "You have about 1000 thaumoceptors per cc of blood," she said. "Meaning...?" "Magical energy is generally measured in thaumorecs per cc." "So that's... Good, right?" "Not even close. Unicorns have three billion per cc." The sheer scale difference was astounding, "Three billion? Three billion? My God." "Most sentient creatures have two point five billion. Powerful unicorns and other powerful magic users have been know to get all the way up to three and one-half billion," she said. I was, quite frankly, awestruck. "What does this mean, exactly?" I asked. The average small flower has more magical potential than you," she stated matter-of-factly. I slowly sat back down into my chair and began to eat the cake before me. All eyes were on me for several minutes as I ate the cake. "For God's sake!" I yelled, storming out if the dining hall. Not my greatest plan, but hey, at least I'm not dead. Why do I get the terrible feeling that I will be saying that a lot? In Which the Cake Not Eaten, and an Ultimately Pointless Conversation is HadA house is not a home unless it contains food and fire for the mind as well as the body. Benjamin Franklin There I was, standing on the balcony in the moonlight, looking over the city below, and beyond that, the expanse between Canterlot and Ponyville, the town itself barely visible from this distance. After the debacle at dinner, I asked the guards to escort me to my room, a lavish abode containing all the luxuries of modern lifestyle. It was a far cry from my mat at Zecora's, certainly much more comfortable, but I couldn't help but want to return the the humble cottage, and to my mat on the floor. Well, perhaps not the mat, I would have preferred a proper bed, something Zecora took great pains to find for me, but the endeavor turned fruitless, as there were no beds large enough for me to sleep on. Sleeping areas aside, I missed the hut anyways. There was always something to read there, and the company much better. Much better indeed. My reminiscing was soured by the reminder of that outrageous affair at dinner. Still, once this summit was over, I could go back to Ponyville, see Zecora again. I sighed deeply, my breath carried away by the evening breeze. I turned back into the room. On the bed lay a note. I had read this note before, it was the first thing I noticed upon entering, but I decided to read it again. Joshua, These will be your quarters for the entirety of your stay here, I hope they are to your satisfaction. If you need anything, inform the guards. You are free to go anywhere you please within the castle. The guards will escort you to any location you wish to go. I apologize for the guards, as well, but they are for your security. Once the summit is over, you may go back to Ponyville if you so choose. Below the note was a signature in fancy cursive, and a seal, presumably the royal one. I set the note down on the bedside table, there were other matters to attend to. Firstly, a proper shower or bath, whichever one the bathroom happened to be equipped with. I hoped for a shower, if there was only a bath I might as well have been sitting in river water again. Secondly, sleep. Who knows what tomorrow will bring? Before I could act out my plan, the door opened behind me. "I'm not in the-" Before me was not one of the princesses or Twilight, but rather a yellow pegasus with a pleasing pink mane. "Ah, hello Fluttershy, I was expecting somebody... taller." The doors closed behind her. "I hope I'm not interrupting anything," she squeaked. "No, it's quite alright. Have a seat," I said, gesturing to a posh chair in one corner of the room. She sat down there as I sat on the edge of the bed, facing her. I'm sorry, Fluttershy," I said to her, holding my head in my hands. "Oh, you don't need to apologize. Shining was just being... overly protective. He was captain of the guard for many years, and he's Twilight's brother." "There's protection and then there's bellicosity. He put a sword to my throat, what am I to do, ignore that fact? He thought of me as naught but a threat to the nation, some fierce beast to be slain for the good of the realm." "You forgave Applejack for calling you a monster." "Her actions were taken in ignorance, and no harm came of it. Shining acted out of malice. Besides that, you are ignoring the fact that he wanted to slit my throat." She seemed deeply perturbed at this point. "Believe me, I can tell the difference between malice and ignorance. Life has taught me that much common sense, at least. "But tell me, how much of a diplomatic nightmare is it out there?" "Pinkie is inconsolable, Shining is being lectured by his sister, his wife, and the other princesses, and the rest of us are trying to calm Pinkie down before she does something drastic." I sighed yet again, but this time, no nocturnal wind carried my cares away. "If its okay with you, I'm going to go now, I can feel that you want to be alone." With that, she got up, opened the double doors, and left the room. I sat there for a few precious moments, pondering the nature of my predicament, and wondering about what the future would hold. Come to think of it, I still didn't know what I was actually in Canterlot for. When I inquired to Twilight earlier, she simply responded 'You'll see in a second,' only for my question to go unanswered. I got off the bed and prepared to head for the shower, when I was yet again interrupted by the doors opening behind me. "Can I not both have my cake and eat it?" I asked the ceiling. In Which Some Bad Fish Makes Itself ApparentThe difficulty with this conversation is that it's very different from most of the ones I've had of late. Which, as I explained, have mostly been with trees. -Douglas Adams "What cake do you speak of?" asked a regal voice behind me. "The Metaphorical Cake of Untruth," I replied, turning to face the figure behind me. Standing there was, in all her nocturnal glory, Princess Luna. "Would you like a seat?" I said, gesturing to the chair in the corner for the second time that night. "I'd much rather go to the balcony," she said, quickly walking outside. Grumbling, I hobbled over to the balcony. "Tell me, what am I here for?" I asked Luna. "In three days there is a diplomatic summit to introduce you and Twilight to the world." "As if I was some attraction at a zoo?" She paused for a mere moment. "Tomorrow you will be fitted for clothes, given a haircut, and all the other boring tripe that one must go through before meeting dignitaries." "I take it you don't like them?" "Oh no, several of them are good friends of mine, but an entire day spent talking is, believe it or not, quite taxing." "Oh boy, I can believe that," I said, shifting my weight a bit to ease the pressure on my bad leg. "You sound like you know the feeling." "I was a professor back home, that and writing was my life, more or less." "That seems to be a recurring theme," she said. "I suppose I should tell you, I came here to retrieve you." "What for?" "Apologies from Shining." "I really don't thi-" She put a hoof to my mouth. "No excuses." "Can you get me my cane, then?" She levitated my cane over to me. I gripped the handle firmly all the way to our destination, a small room with a table in the middle. Sitting around the table were the princesses and Shining. Cadance gestured to the seat across from Shining, indicating that I should set opposite him. I did as I was bid, leaning my cane against the table. "I apologize for my rash action," he said through gritted teeth. "Very well then," I replied with similar enthusiasm. We sat in silence for a few moments, before a sudden wave of nausea passed over me, ending as quickly as it started. "Look, I'm real sorry, it's just that, I was scared for the safety of my little sis, and Cadance and-" he blurted out, looking at me apologetically. "Okay then," I said, looking at him quizzically. He sure changed his demeanor quickly. I felt another wave of nausea pass over me, leaving much slower than the first one. "Ooh," I clutched my stomach. "Could you ever forgive me?" asked Shining, his eyes practically begging. I resisted the urge to retch. "Are you okay?" he asked. I shot up in an attempt to find a place to vomit, only going about ten feet before my leg gave out, and I fell to the floor, my guts emptying when I opened my mouth to cry out. The last thing I felt was my head hitting the stone floor. In Which a Fairy Is ChasedAs much as I'd like to meet the tooth fairy on an evening walk, I don't really believe it can happen. -Chris Van Allsburg It was a beautiful day outside in Longview, Texas, perfect for taking a lovely stroll through the pines, or perhaps a picnic. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, the breeze was pleasant and cooling, and there were some lovely clouds overhead. I continued my morning walk, a ritual that I had participated in since graduating high school, while whistling a merry tune, the same tune emanating from the earbuds of my phone. The piece came to an end, and, while deciding on a new one, I glanced at the clock on my phone. "Oh no, I need to get to work!" I began to walk more quickly, but not to the point of a jog, as the trail was almost finished. I practically threw myself into the car when I arrived at the small parking lot. I quickly started it up, and began the drive to my job, a professor at the local college, a rewarding, if oftentimes difficult job. I always go straight from the park to the college, so my things were in the backseat already, meaning that I didn't need to stop by my house before heading to work. I was a professor of philosophy, a smallish class, in fact, it was one of the smallest on the campus. I really didn't care about that though, so long as I could teach someone. I arrived at the campus slightly late. Fortunately, I didn't have a class to teach for a while, but some students occasionally had questions that were not readily answerable in class. When noone was there, I turned to writing my book, my third, in fact, a book dealing primarily with the ethics of the singularity and alien contact. A bit outlandish, yes, but because of the interesting premise, hype was fairly easy to generate, particularly amongst sci-fi fans. I sat down at my desk and booted up my laptop. The (still unfinished) draft was stored on this computer, not on the college's desktops, mostly because I often worked on it from home, although some of it was mild paranoia. Time flew by, as did the day's classes, and before I knew it, I was on the drive home. I had gotten quite a bit of work done on my book, but I hadn't gotten as much as I wanted. Not only that, but it was a very beautiful day, so I decided to stop by park again. I got out of the car and grabbed the bag containing my laptop, walking along the trail until I came across a bench. Sitting down, I opened up the computer and booted it, and began to write. I quickly found that it was quite refreshing to write outside. "I should have done this sooner," I said to myself, as the clear air was having a rejuvenating effect on me. About half an hour and several people passed as I typed away before I decided that I had done enough. I turned off the laptop and placed it in my bag. As I stood up, something caught my eye. There, in the long shadows created by the setting sun, was a faint light in the trees. I moved towards it, figuring that someone had wandered off the trail and gotten lost. I continued to walk towards it, eventually getting close enough to see that it had a blue tinge to it. "Somebody there?" I asked. The light didn't move. "Hello?" By this point I was close enough to see that the light was fire, rather than electrically generated. "Anyone?" I stepped within ten meters of the light. Much to my surprise, there was nobody there, only the strange floating blue fire. "What on Earth?" I asked myself, walking closer to it. Just as I grew close enough to touch it, it started, and flew away. I chased after it, hoping to find out what it was. I thundered through the woods, until I tripped over a branch. The light continued on. "Wait!" I shouted, scrambling up and running towards it with renewed vigor. I slowly gained on it, but before I could touch it, I fell into a pit. ~~~===***===~~~ The bell sounded, ending the work day at Sweet Apple Acres. "That's the last one, Big Mac," came a thick drawl. "Eeyup," the large red pony responded. "If it's alright with y'all, I'm goin' ta double check the field," said the orange mare. Big Mac nodded and turned towards the barn. Applejack, for that was her name, turned towards the orchard, for one last check to see if every tree had been bucked. ~~~===***===~~~ I came to lying down in the grass, hungry and disoriented. I lay next to a dirt path and a fence, beyond which lay neat rows of trees with apples hanging on the branches. I looked up at the sky. The sun had still not set, but that would certainly not be the case in a few minutes. My stomach growled, and, after making sure that I had not been robbed in my unconscious state, hopped the fence. I took a few apples off the tree, resolving to find the owner of the orchard and pay him or her back later. In the mean time, I snacked on the apples, walking parallel to the fence and thinking about the strange phenomena that had just occurred. What I chased was either an illusion or a wil-o-the-wisp, and considering that I had not been robbed, the chances of a convoluted scheme to rob unsuspecting passers-by seemed less likely. "It couldn't be an actual fairy, that's preposterous!" I said. Part of me wanted it to be true, of course, but my rational mind disregarded the notion. So I continued walking until I heard a voice. "Right, that looks like everything, guess I had better get back to the barn." The voice had a southern accent, and was obviously female. Perhaps she was the owner, or at least, an employee? "Hello?" I called. "Who is it?" she asked. I began walking towards the voice at an increased pace. "I seem to have gotten lost," I said. "Is this your orchard?" "I am co-owner of this property, yes," she replied. The voice was certainly closer to me now. "Good, I got a bit hungry and ate three apples, and I wanted to pay you back. How much were they?" I asked, taking out my wallet. I was very close to her at this point. "One-" she paused,"buck." I fished around in my wallet for a dollar. "That's awfully cheap... Ah ha!" I said triumphantly, finding a dollar bill. I put my wallet back in my pocket and looked up, money in hand. There was a very small, technicolor horse wearing a cowboy hat in front of me. "That's an odd coloration for a horse," I said. In Which a Confrontation Occurs, and Research is DoneImagination creates some big monsters. Oliver Martinez The horse stared at me slack-jawed. Interesting, I didn't know that horses could do that. Come to think of it, it looked only superficially like a horse, it's head was too big, and its eyes too big for its head. "Hello? Ma'am? I have your money!" I called into the trees. "What in tarnation?" I heard, the sound coming from the horse. "Hello? There's a smallish horse, er, thing, here!" I looked back at the horse, only to see it charging at me. "Oh-" I was cut off as it impacted. I lay sprawled on the ground, the horse looming over me. "Go back ta the forest, monster," it said. Mons- Wait, did the horse just talk? "Did you just talk?" I asked. "Of course Ah can talk. What's surprising me is that you can." "Well then, could you let me up?" "Give me a good reason ta, monster!" "For one thing, I am not a monster. I have a name, you know." "I don't care 'bout yer name, I just want to know what yer doin' outside the Everfree," she replied with steel. "Everfree? What's that?" I asked her. "The forest!" "No, that's... Wait, where am I?" "Y'all're in mah orchard!" "Well, yes, but I meant what planet, because there are no talking horses in my world." "Ah am not a horse, Ah am a pony," she said indignantly. "As far as I know, ponies don't talk either. Now answer me, where am I?" "Y'all're in Equestria." It hit me. I really had chased a wil-o-the-wisp, and wandered into a fairy tale. All we needed now was knights, magic, princesses, and some evil creature to slay, assuming that I wasn't the monster. I looked up at her, "Ma'am, could you please get off of me?" She reluctantly complied, saying, "Y'all don't try anythin' now." I stood up slowly, as to not arouse suspicion. "Thank you," I said. "Git off mah property!" "Alright, alright," I said, backing up. "Which way?" She pointed to my left with her hoof. "Now git!" I ran quickly, not stopping until I encountered the fence. After hopping it again, I stopped to catch my breath. ~~~===***===~~~ Applejack ran faster than she had in ages. "Applejack, where are ya goin' it's gettin' dark," called Granny Smith. "Ah need to see mah friends!" she answered. "Don't take too long, yer supper'll get cold!" called Granny. "Kids these days, always dashin' about." ~~~===***===~~~ The sun began to set. First off, shelter. The forest seemed like the only option at this point, considering the pony's violent reaction to my presence. I wandered beneath the boughs of the trees, hoping that it didn't rain. Even under the trees I would get wet, which, among other things, wouldn't be comfortable in the slightest. I sat near the base of one of the trees and thought about what just happened. The gravity of the situation hit me. I was either mad, or I was in a different universe, possibly one without humans. If the dominant species on the planet were these ponies, and of they were all just as opposed to me as the orchard keeper, then would likely never see civilization up close again. I would have to forage in the forest, a difficult process at the best of times, downright impossible at the worst. I sighed. At this point, my only hope was finding another fairy. ~~~===***===~~~ Twilight Sparkle was the librarian in the humble town of Ponyville. Easily one of the smartest ponies in the principality, possibly the world. So when Applejack came to her house telling her something about a monster, she immediately took to finding out what species it was based on Applejack's description, and telling Applejack to find the other Element Bearers. What she found was interesting, indeed. Once everypony was there, she began; "From what I can tell, this creature is called 'human.' Legends say that the last human died in the year 146 Before Celestia and Luna, killed in the mythical Siege of Thirnoc, one of the last holdouts against Discord's Army of Chaos. She was a powerful wizard, and the fortress only held out so long because of her protection." "Why hasn't anypony heard of humans, then?"asked Rainbow Dash. "Much of the period before the Diarchy is poorly recorded or inflated, as much of the records were used as propaganda by the rulers of various small kingdoms," Twilight responded. "So..?" "It was disregarded as myth, since they don't exist anymore, or rather, nopony thought they did." "Are it dangerous? If it comes out of the forest, I don't want it hurting the animals," Fluttershy asked fearfully. "Most surviving records state that humans are powerful warriors, only regularly losing to griffons and dragons in combat," Twilight replied. "So that's a yes, then?" asked Rainbow. "They are, however, a magically weak race, with only about one in fifty capable of learning advanced spells, and only one in five capable of learning any magic at all." "No?" asked Rainbow again. "Very, even without magic. They show a liking of machines, there are even records of weapons that spewed fire, ash, and metal. It's said that these weapons could take out soldiers in heavy armor as if it was butter." "That sounds dreadful," Rarity said. "So Twi, was I right in kicking it off mah property?" asked AJ. "I don't know. I just don't know," Twilight said, "But I have sent a letter to the princess about it. If anypony can answer that, she can."
In Which Phones and Potions are UsedBeing unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody, I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat. -Mother Teresa I sat and thought some more. I could never go home, or see my family again. My book would never get published, and the worst part? I had the draft on my computer with me. It's times like these when iTunes comes in handy. Pulling out my phone, I selected one of the gloomier pieces*, and stuck in my earbuds. I knew that it was going to dark very soon, and I needed shelter. I slunk along the forest's edge looking for anything that could make a reasonable place to sleep. I came across nothing of use, and resolved to try my hand at finding something within the forest itself. I turned off my phone to conserve the battery, power being something that I would probably never be able to obtain again. Sad, I know. I came across a small path within the forest and walked along it. It gave me a sense of security, even as the sun finally set. I couldn't see by the light of the moon or stars because the trees were blocking light. I stopped and pulled out my phone, sighing at the fact that I had to use more of its precious power as a flashlight. Phone in hand, I continued walking down the path. It wasn't long before I got the feeling of being watched. If it was a predator, I was screwed. I had no weapons, save perhaps swinging my laptop around, something that I was loathe to do. The feeling intensified before I heard a howl. I instinctively started, turning around to see if anything was near me. "Calm down old boy, wolves don't usually eat humans," I said to myself. I heard another howl, this one sounding closer to me. "Then again, they probably don't know that we're predators, too." I spun around, eyes darting in every direction, hoping that they didn't attack my back. I saw something out of the corner of my eye, two glowing green eyes staring at me menacingly. I was transfixed in fear, but not before noticing that they were all around me, waiting for an opportunity to strike. "Back you fiends!" I attempted to shout, but my voice cracked in fear. I heard a growl behind me, and I spun around to face my attacker. Sadly, this was a diversionary tactic, and the wolf that I was looking at earlier pounced, knocking me over, my phone clattering away. I scrambled to turn over, and what I saw surprised me. The wolf appeared to be made out of wood. I was jolted out of my curiosity when he bit down on my left leg. I screamed in pain, attempting to kick my assailant off of me with my other leg. Another wolf came up behind me and bit my flailing arm. Again I screamed. I was a goner. Two of my limbs were incapacitated, possibly permanently, and several other wolves were ready to kill me. I heard a cry coming from the trees, then I saw a flash of light erupting from the wolf on my leg's muzzle. He let go, squealing in pain. The one on my arm quickly followed suit, giving his own anguished cry. "Mbali na wewe!" came a voice. I looked up and saw a hooded figure standing over me. It was in the seem shape as the ponies from earlier, and it held a staff in one hoof and a small pot in the other. Normally, I would remark on the physical impossibility of such an act, but extenuating circumstances prevented that. Circumstances like the fact that I was going to die. "What a strange creature you are," she said. "It is a good thing that my house is not too far." When I tried to talk, all I could get out was a small squeak. "You must be terribly injured, to be unable to say more than a whimper." I was panting heavily, barely managing to remain conscious. "Shhh, I'm here, there is no need to fear," she said softly. My vision faded to black. ~~~===***===~~~ I awoke to an alarming pain in both my left arm and left leg. "AGGHH," I cried. The pony from last night rushed to my side, lifting my head up and tipping the contents of a small cup into my mouth. "Drink as much as you can, if you want everything to go according to plan," she said to me. The potion's effects were almost immediate, and the pain in my limbs subsided to a throbbing ache. Not much of an improvement, but an improvement nonetheless. I looked at me savior. She was a zebra. Seriously, she was a small zebra with a mohawk and a lot of gold rings. "Who are you?" I asked after a weighty silence. "Zecora is my name, alchemy is my game," she replied. "Thank you." She simply nodded. "So, how's the injuries?" "I fear that you may lose your left legs, but better than losing your life instead," she said. I inhaled slowly, letting the words sink in. "I take it the damage is... severe?" "It is as you fear," she replied. I gulped. She went back to her business while I lay there in silence. I could lose the use of both my left arm and leg. The thought was troubling, to say the least. As it was, I couldn't move them without intense pain, and when I examined my arm, I found it wrapped in tightly wound gauze. I sighed. "I have something for you, as well as drink and food," Zecora said. She brought in my bag containing my laptop. I was genuinely (and pleasantly) surprised to see that it worked fine. My phone did not fare so well. Although it was working, cracks spiderwebbed the screen. Next, she brought food, which was some sort of porridge, and some water. She had to spoon feed me the porridge, a long and tedious (not to mention, embarrassing) process, that neither of us enjoyed. After that, she ate her own soup. When she was finished, she came and sat next to the mat where I had been laid. "Zecora?" She turned to me. "Thank you. Again." "Tell me, what is your name? Where are you from, that I've never seen your kin?" "That was a poor rhyme, my friend," I said. "It is traditional to speak in rhyme, ever since you turn nine," she replied. "Not all zebras, just the medicine fillies, even if it is rather silly." "Well, I think it's silly too. As to answer your question, my name is Josh. I am from planet earth, more specifically, the United States of America, more specifically... I've moved around a lot." "As a friend of the Equestrian crown, I want to welcome you to the town." "Does the town have ponies?" She nodded. "Well, last time I met one, she kicked me off of her property and called me a monster!" "If it is as you say, then I must be on my way," she said. "Where are you going?" "Into the town I must go, to let the little ponies know." "What if the medicine wears off?" "It should last for awhile yet, it just in case, more by you I'll set," she said, pouring another glass and laying it on the ground next to me, as well as giving me more water. "What am I going to do in the meantime?" I asked. She sighed and pulled a book from a nearby shelf and set it down beside me. "Another would probably be good, I read quickly." She pulled yet another book down, and walked out the door. "I think I may have annoyed her a bit." *Note: Read with the music.
In Which an Apology is Accepted, and Introductions are MadeFor every minute you remain angry, you give up sixty seconds of peace of mind. -Ralph Waldo Emerson I looked at the books by my side. The first was on medicinal herbs, something which might come in handy if I ever recovered. The second was entitled "A Brief History of the Southern Nations: An Amateur's Guide to the Zebra, Antelope, and Other Southern Tribes, Second Edition. "She picked these books to spite me! Well, she failed, I do like my history," I spoke to thin air, opening the book and beginning to read. ~~~===***===~~~ I looked up from where I lay at Zecora, who had just walked in. With her were six ponies, including the... Female, that called me a monster. I am still a bit miffed about that. Two of them appeared to be pegasai, and two were unicorns. Interesting. One of the ponies squeaked when she saw me. I could tell that she was female because she, well, she squeaked. "Oh you poor dear," she said with worry. I regarded her with curiosity. "Applejack, you've seen him with your own eyes. Tell me now that you won't apologize," said Zecora. "Ah'm... Ah'm sorry..." She said, tears beginning to form in her eyes. "No tears, you'll make me cry too," I said. Several of the ponies looked at me with shock, save for the yellow one and the still sobbing girl (for lack of a better term). One of the ponies, sheer pink in color, with her mane and coat being a different shade, walked over to the orange girl and comforting her. "Ah'm sorry..." Tears began to well up in my eyes. I laughed a bit. "What's so funny? Can't you see she's sorry?" asked the pink one indignantly. "Look at me, crying over someone who called me a monster," I said. "If it's any consolation, that was the appropriate reaction." "It was..?" the orange pony asked. "Well, maybe not, but I would hardly expect you to swear your undying loyalty to me," I replied. "From what I understand, humans don't exist here, wherever I am. You can't be faulted for being wary of the unknown." "Ah still feel awful 'bout it, though," she replied, wiping her eyes. "That's to be expected. If anything, that just means you're not a monster. The greatest trait one can have is empathy, and while you didn't have it before when concerning me, you have it now," I said. "Yeah, not to interrupt this touching moment and all, but you said that hu... somethings don't exist here. Are you an alien?" butted in one of the pegasai. She was bright blue with a startling rainbow mane. If that wasn't a dye job, I'd eat my figurative hat. Better yet, I'd buy a new hat and eat it. "It would seem so. As far as I know, talking brightly colored ponies don't exist. I could be crazy, but I haven't had any mental problems before, so that seems unlikely," I replied. "So much of the world is yet to be charted, how do you know you just didn't get lost? The forest has strong magic, it's not beyond the realm of possibility that you traveled further than you walked," said another one, a purple unicorn. "Magic? Hah! Magic doesn't exist! And, to answer your question, the fact that the world hasn't been charted yet tells me that I'm not on my planet," I said. "You've charted your whole planet? How did you do that without magic?" she asked. "Simple. Not simple, really, but not impossible," I said. "You need to launch a satellite into space and have it take a picture of the planet. That's the short version. I'm not a rocket scientist," I said, chuckling at my own joke. "You've sent a ship into space?" she asked me. "More than that, we've sent a manned ship to the moon. And planted a flag there. Not sure that was necessary really, it's like 'We claim the moon! If any aliens are out there that have flags, this pointless lump of rock is ours!'" "Ah'd hate ta interrupt," said the orange mare, the last of her tears gone. "Oh yes, of course. Lass, it's... it's not fine. It really isn't, but there's no way you could have known. My getting attacked is not your fault. Now, I do hold you responsible for your disparaging comments, but my injury had nothing to do with you, ok?" She nodded. "Now that that's settled," I said, "I believe proper introductions are in order. My name is Josh." "Applejack," replied the orange pony. "Twilight," replied the purple unicorn. "Rainbow Dash, fastest flyer in Equestria!" said the blue pegasus. "Hi! My name is Pinkie!" said the pink one. She gasped loudly, "I need to throw a welcome party for you!" "My name is Rarity," replied the white one in a very dignified manner. "And you?" I asked the yellow one. "My name is... Fluttershy." "Speak up," I said. "Fluttershy." "I can see why. Tell me, why did you take special interest with me when you walked in?" I asked. "Oh, I work with animals a lot. I don't like it when they're hurt," she said. "I'll try not to be offended," I replied. "Oh, I'm sorry-" "I was just joking." I turned to Twilight, "Now, why do you think magic exists?" "It's all around us! Everything has magic in it!" "Show me." Her horn glowed. At first, I didn't notice anything, but then, I saw it. The book was levitating. "We'll done, but there has to be a wire somewhere." "Is that really not enough proof?" I thought for a moment. An idea came to me, a terrible, possibly painful, and easily falsifiable idea. Have her levitate me. Or, better yet, a part of me. "Levitate my hand." "What?" "Lift my arm up with magic." She complied. I stared at my involuntarily raised arm. I sort of felt like something was brushing against me, the sort of thing that gives one goosebumps. "My God," was all I could muster. She let go of my arm. "I must say, I'm impressed," I said. "I'm impressed that you can survive without magic. Is it all right if I run some tests? Humans haven't been seen in over two thousand years and-" "Wait, you know of my people?" I asked. "The last one died over two thousand years ago, killed in a siege." "Anything else?" "Very little, only that you have little magic, not unlike the antelope, and that you had terrible weapons when you had actual cities." "Let me guess, guns?" "What are they?" "See, you use an explosive to propel a projectile at high speeds towards a target." "Can it go through armor?" "Depends. The earliest firearms were unable to penetrate very heavy armor. As the technology improved, standard plate armor became obsolete, but not until several centuries of advancement had passed." "Firearms?" Twilight asked. "A term for guns, so named because early guns appeared to shoot fire." "Hmm. So, can I run some tests on you?" "Only ones that don't involve me getting up," I replied. "Why not?" she asked. Do you not see the bandages? I can't walk until this heals up. If you want to take a blood sample, or something of the sort, go right ahead. Also, how would a hospital staff respond to my presence?" "Not well. Applejack is a very level headed pony, and she freaked out when she saw you." I grimaced. After a brief pause, I said, "Well, it's been fun. Come back if you want the samples, but you will have to take them yourself, for obvious reasons." "Will do," she said, walking out. The others followed her, save Fluttershy. "Did you want something?" I asked. "I see it in your eyes. You don't think you'll be able to walk again, do you?" "No." "Fluttershy? You coming?" called one of the others. "I'd be glad to help you. I live slightly closer to the town, and may be able to get supplies more easily, if that's alright with you." "I'm not exactly mobile. If my condition improves, I might take you up on the offer, but until then..." "Oh, well, I've got to go. Bye." "Farewell," I responded. "Tell me Zecora, how did she know?" I asked. "She sees others souls, all their joys, fears, and woes," she replied. "I don't think I could be her," I said.
In Which Both Monolouge and Dialouge OccursOne advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody's listening. -Franklin P. Jones Much of the day passed me by quickly. I continued to read the history book until the pain in my limbs flared up again. After drinking the potion, I inquired about books other than herbs and histories. Turns out, she had a copy of the first two books in a best selling fictional series called 'Daring Do.' The series intrigued me, at first as a glimpse into Equestrian culture, and later, after the first few chapters, because it was awesome. Let's put it this way: Indiana Jones+Pegasus+Demon Cat... thing+ I was going more easy on it than normal from sheer boredom. I was about halfway through it when dinner was served, and boy was I hungry. And a little bit nauseous, which, according to Zecora, was a standard side effect when given to mammals. The food was more porridge. Yeah. Personally, I had hoped for something with actual flavor, but then again, I am freeloading. After dinner, Zecora decided to talk to me, seeing as we had little else to do (although I was itching to get back to the book). "I noticed something odd when you talked to the ponies, you said their magic was a phony," she said. "Yes, I did. Where I come from, magic is naught but a silly tale to tell to children before bedtime." "Why to you not believe in magic? To me, this seems tragic." "Because we have explored our planet and found no such thing. No monsters, or wizards. No fairies or sprites, nothing. That is why I came here, you see. I was walking through the woods and saw a floating light. I chased it and fell off a small cliff. When I came to, I was here." "Tell me, how you can control day and night? A world with the heavens stuck in place would be quite a sight!" "Control day and night? Are you mental?" "You mean to say that the sun and moon are stuck in the sky? How do your people survive?" "They are not stuck! We move around the sun through gravity, and the moon moves around us for the same reason." She seemed troubled by this. "Do you have a cutie mark on your flank? Or is your skin blank?" "A what?" "I guess not," she paused for a moment. "Something to say, I have not." I thought for a moment, "Tell me, you said something about controlling the sun and moon through magic. How do you do this?" "The princesses have the power to move the heavens every few hours." "Are they gods?" "Perhaps, perhaps not, the truth? I know not." "That's helpful. I'm assuming you are a monarchy then?" "Diarchy, to be more precise, a princess of day and a princess of night." "Wait, the princesses are the rulers?" She nodded. "I wonder, who used to be king?" "I don't know, but it must have been long ago," she replied. ~~~===***===~~~ Spike was asleep by the time Twilight returned. After visiting Josh, the girls went into town and talked about what had happened. It was fairly late by the time they had finished their dinner, or rather, finished the hours long talk following it. It was good that Spike was asleep though, she hated keeping secrets from him. While nopony insisted that she didn't speak of it, she felt it was wise to reveal as little as possible to Spike, or anonymous else that wasn't involved. Nonetheless, it was confirmed that the human did indeed exist. Twilight needed to write a letter. Dear Princess Celestia, In the forest today was a strange creature, a human. I know that I already sent a letter about this, which you dismissed, but today I saw him with my very own eyes. He suffered terrible injury at the claws of a pack of timber wolves, and is currently recovering in Zecora's hut. I am asking that either you, Luna, or both of you come and meet him. Despite what the few sources that speak of humans say, he seems nice enough, and even forgave Applejack for her inhospitality, despite it indirectly leading to his injury. He says his species lacks magic completely, something which is entirely impossible. Even what few records remain say that humans had only a little magic, but certainly not nothing! If what he says is true, it could fundamentally alter our perception of reality as a species. Aside from my obvious giddiness at the prospect of such a groundbreaking discovery, the human, Josh, is seriously injured, and cannot seek medical assistance from Ponyville General. He is in no state to be moved anyway, as one of his legs is incapable of supporting his weight. Given that he has only two legs in the first place, he really cannot move from his mat in Zecora's place. I suppose I could teleport him, but the fact that he (supposedly) lacks magic could make the process difficult or dangerous. Back to the main point, you do need to visit. The alien does indeed exist, that should be reason enough to come. Even if that is not reason enough, (although I can't imagine why it wouldn't be) I haven't seen you in quite a while. Perhaps some tea? Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle Without Spike to send it, she would have to do it the old fashioned way, long-distance teleportation. A draining spell, to say the least, but she didn't want to send it through one of the various post offices. Casting the spell was tiring, so she decided to go to bed a bit early tonight. After all, she had a big day tomorrow. She was practically salivating at the chance to analyze the blood samples from the human. Yes, tomorrow would be a good day. ~~~===***===~~~ It was late, nearly midnight, but I couldn't sleep. I had been pretending to be asleep for about an hour, waiting for Zecora to nod off. Judging by the faint snores coming from the other side of the hut, she had finally fallen asleep. I sighed. "Why..?" I whispered. "Why me?" Tears began to form in my eyes. "Why did I chase the fairy? I had a good life, pleasant, uninterrupted by the troubles that plagued many. All of that gone now," I said. By now, the tears fell freely. "I likely will never walk again. Stuck here forever, in more ways than one." I turned up to the sky, "If this is for some higher purpose, tell me, whatever's up there. I know I rarely pray, but please, give me the consolation of knowing. Was this unintentional? Why am I here? To teach? To learn? Both? Neither? "Bah," I said, "Whether this was intended or not, I've already found purpose. I simply have a new setting. Life goes on, I am simply a fish that strayed down the wrong branch of the river." I wiped my eyes, "Where is my optimism? In the face of dire circumstances, I have always believed that each day is better than the last. It seems that even that has been robbed from me. "I miss home. Even the paperwork. Never thought I'd say that. I even miss Mill, that lousy cat. That poor cat, no one'll feed him. "This is a good opportunity, though. I can use all my abstract thoughts and musings in reality. I wonder, does anyone openly disapprove of the diarchy? I shall have to meet with them." I sighed, "Nonetheless the primary course of action is clear, find a way home." Zecora began to stir. I decided that I had monologued enough, and I closed my eyes. Tomorrow would be... interesting, to say the least. I fell asleep quickly.
In Which Royalty is Met, and Matters of Absolute Importance are DiscussedThe greater the power, the more dangerous the abuse. -Edmund Burke "For the Lady's sake, you must awake!" said Zecora. "Graah," I mumbled in a manner closely resembling that of a zombie. "What are the side effects of that potion?" "The princesses will be here soon, I don't have time to feed you with a spoon!" "The princesses? Why are they coming now? I'm in the worst shape of my life!," I replied. She darted about tidying up her hut. She gave me more medicine and a glass of water. Both were greatly appreciated. "Man, I must look like a mess," I said after drinking both the medicine and the water. There was a knocking on the door. "Well, that's... convenient." "Come in, my friends," Zecora said. In came Twilight, and two ponies that I presumed were the princesses. They were larger than the other ponies, the white one (obviously Celestia) considerably more so. "I apologize for my appearance. Had I known that I would be acting as defacto ambassador of the human race this early, I might of gotten up sooner," I said. "I know of the dire circumstances that have befallen you. There is no reason to apologize," Celestia replied. "As rulers of Equestria, we welcome you to our great nation," Luna chimed. I needed to remain calm. I was representing my race to the rulers after all. No pressure or anything. "I assume that you are the heads of state?" I asked. "And of government," Celestia replied. "I thought so, but I needed to be sure," I said. "Josh, can I take the samples now?" Twilight asked. "Of course,"I replied. She beamed at me, pulling out medical supplies. I was beginning to become a bit uneasy, she wasn't a trained medical professional (I think). Actually, she knew little of human anatomy. She could poke around twenty times before finding a vein. Twilight spoke, "Where do humans usually have their blood drawn from?" Good, she thought of that. "Inside the elbow. There's a fairly exposed vein there," I replied. "I don't want to hurt you more..." "It's ok, I'm hyped up on painkillers. I won't feel a thing." I hope. It did take three tries before she got it, but that was better than I expected. I really didn't feel it, which might be the primary reason it went so well. Zecora bandaged my arm a bit to stop the bleeding. "So, tell me about your realm," spoke Celestia, breaking the rather thick layer of ice. "It's... very different, I must say. For one thing, there are no magical forests," I said. "I hear there's no magic at all," Celestia replied. "True," I said. "I assume that Twilight told her what she knows." "Yes, she did, but I am curious, who are the rulers of your people?" "Theoretically, the people themselves." "Really?" asked Luna. "Things aren't always that simple, but yes. That's the theory, anyway." "How so?" "It's a representative system. You vote for someone with a similar political platform, and he represents your state, essentially an arbitrary area of land. There are two houses in which you can be represented..." and so I explained the American political system to them. ~~~===***===~~~ "You humans are odd," said Luna. "Indeed. Honestly, we need a better system of government. Ours is too..." I trailed off, trying to find the word I was looking for. Before I could continue, an urgent problem came to my attention. I needed to take a leak. Badly. Honestly, I'm surprised I haven't needed to yet. "Is there anything else you would like to know?" I asked in a futile attempt to hasten their departure. "Twilight here will certainly want another interview, but that will do for now," Celestia said. "Goodbye." "Farewell," said Luna, as they walked out the door. "There's so much I need to know!" Twilight squee'd. "Actually, I need to... relieve myself. Zecora, is there any way to get some privacy?" I asked. "I could levitate you," said Twilight. Oh dear God. "That wo-" I was stopped by my bladder. "If you can, go ahead. As many objections as I have to this plan, it's better than the alternative." So she levitated me outside. I was floating about half a foot off the ground. "Upright and facing away from you, please," I said. After that awkwardness (my God, that was probably the third worst experience in my life) she floated me back onto my mat. "So tell me, why do you have such an inefficient government?" Twilight asked me. "To let the common man have a voice. Admittedly, we do a bad job of it sometimes, but it's better than it used to be." "You could switch to an Equestrian system." "Absolute rulers? No thanks, I like my freedom." "Freedom and autocracy are not mutually exclusive." "That is true. History, however, has shown that autocrats begin to care less and less for the people as time goes on, eventually trampling upon the populace." "Who would do such a thing?" "Anyone, if no one was their to stop them. Even if they don't infringe on the rights of the people, there's always the potential for abuse. After all, our benevolent king's son could be a tyrant once he takes the throne." "Why don't you just... Oh," she said. "Exactly. No magic means that our rulers are mortal and will pass on their titles to an heir. An heir which isn't as good as the old king." "I can see why such an odd system would be put into place them. Surely though, you would prefer an immortal ruler." "As if! Many humans, especially those of my country, has a deep distrust of absolute rulers, myself included." "Why?" "There's a saying that best sums up my culture's view on dictatorships: Power corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely." "That's absurd! With that mentality, nopony is deserving of any power!" "The idea of democracy is to give everyone equal power. That way, the bad do not become monarchs." "But the good can't rule either! That doesn't do anypony good!" "But it doesn't do bad either. We have successfully diminished the risk at the cost of few rewards." "It's better for society to have a benevolent autocrat than a democracy. Democracy is inefficient and destroys the good in society, even as is destroys the bad. There's no sense in it!" "Since when do people make sense? We are not rational beings, we are emotional ones. Logic means nothing to a strong heart and firm convictions. Is it not the same with ponies?" "... It is," she reluctantly replied. "Perhaps we are not battling wits, but rather clashing convictions to see whose are stronger." She pursed her lips at this. "You are convinced that autocracy is a good thing, because you have a benevolent system. I am convinced of the opposite, because autocrats on my world were apathetic or even malevolent. To each of us, history proves our side correct. Either way, I have thoroughly enjoyed this conversation." "But-" "No," I interrupted. "You are getting too worked up about it. Bad debates happen when one side gets angry at the other." She nodded. "Good." Zecora decided to trot in then. "You can stay for brunch. There's plenty to munch," she said to Twilight. She was about to protest that it wasn't necessary, when her stomach growled. "Hehe..." she blushed. "If you're good, you can give him food," she said, indicating me. I glared at her in mock annoyance. She laughed. I quickly joined in.
In Which a Timeskip Occurs, and a Lovely Meal is Had by AllObscenity is whatever happens to shock some elderly and ignorant magistrate. Bertrand Russel The days and weeks towards recovery passed in a perpetual state of semi-boredom. I was never short on reading materials, as Twilight evidently ran a library. She would bring books to me, and I would read them, but at the same time, I could do little save read. Occasionally, she or one of her friends would drop by, and we'd have a pleasant conversation, usually about some inconsequential subject such as the weather outside, or something more serious, such as the fact that the weather outside of the forest was generally controlled by pegasai. This alarmed me at first, but I quickly realized that it meant less than I expected, as having sun all the time was bad for crops and the like, meaning that variations in the weather were essential. They were controlled and carefully calculated variations, but variations nonetheless. Something that did intrigue me was the progression of seasons, unchanged from my world and uncontrollable by the ponies. At least some things were the same as back home. After nearly two months of herbal treatment and grueling physical therapy, I managed to hobble around the small hut by holding onto the walls. I still couldn't walk properly even though the wound had sealed up, a testament to the muscle damage the bite had caused. My arm was usable, but it was painful to move my wrist any great amounts. A simple cane was fashioned for me, and I began to master the art of walking without using my left leg. I emerged from the hut for the first time in ten weeks, resolving to walk a few hundred yards. I failed miserably, but my resolve did not, and within a few more weeks, I was able to walk great distances when using a cane. Visits from one of the ponies grew infrequent, to the point of only Fluttershy or Twilight visiting me with any regularity, Fluttershy to check on my recovery and Twilight to give me new books and take old ones. Neither came for two weeks, and I began to grow worried. My fears were unfounded, certainly. Most likely life had simply caught up with them and they were too busy to come. The truth, while not far off, was much more complicated. These complexities were revealed to me in great detail when they next came, with the others in tow. They also had several ponies donning greco-roman armor guarding them. Twilight now possessed a pair if wings, which indicated that she was next in line, or rather, second, after Princess Luna. Her guards eyed me nervously. I was much taller than them, and I carried a cane, an effective weapon in a pinch. I had no intention of harming them, of course, but they didn't know that and they likely wouldn't have taken my word for it anyway. "Congrats," I said. "I don't suppose debating government with a princess would be a good idea?" I asked. Twilight chuckled. The guards carried a collective expression of 'we are not amused.' "There is some business to attend to," Twilight said. "Oh?" "I am here to escort you to Canterlot." I facepalmed at the name. "What was tha-" "It's nothing, just... it's a cultural thing. Long story, don't ask." "Ah. So..." she trailed off. "Do I have a choice?" I asked. "Not really," she said apologetically. I sighed. "When are we leaving, then?" "I'll be back this evening. Before I go, do you have those library books?" "Yeah." I hobbled back into the cottage to retrieve them. I handed them to Twilight. "You're a princess now, why do you need the books?" I asked. "Just giving them to the new librarian. I've moved to Canterlot." "Ah. So, why am I going to Canterlot?" "There is a diplomatic summit to introduce me. Celestia thought that it would be a good time to introduce you, too." "Makes more sense than anything else that's happened here." She seemed a bit put off by those words. I don't blame her. She departed, saying she'd be back in a few hours. ~~~===***===~~~ It had been a long time since I had a proper cleaning. Oh sure, I had a few sponge baths and the like, but sitting in the river felt good. The grime that had collected over the last few months was washed away, and Zecora's soap left me feeling the cleanest since I arrived here. My clothes were also washed. Three months can do a number on them, even if they were washed fairly regularly. I desperately needed some new ones. Twilight flew in by chariot, drawn by the burly guards. "Are you sure this is safe?" I asked her, getting in the chariot. "It's fine." "If you say so." The next half-hour or so can best be described as the most terrifying experience of my life. What idiot decided that a Greek chariot would make a good air transportation vehicle? It also occurred to me that the guards were the first male ponies I had seen. It's amazing what you notice when you're about to die. Nonetheless, we arrived safely. "My God," was all I could say as I attempted to leave the chariot. It's a bit difficult to ride in those things with only one working leg. "Are all humans this afraid of heights?" Twilight asked. "It's not the heights, it's the thousand foot drop that scares me," I replied. "And no, we are not all scared of heights, but is it one if the more common phobias." "I see," she replied. We walked for several minutes in silence. I finally broke the ice by asking for more specifics on the meeting. "You'll see in a second," she responded. A lot of good that did me. ~~~===***===~~~ We finally arrived at our destination, about time too, it is quite difficult to walk for that long with a cane and one working leg. "We're here," Twilight said. "Oh thank God." "Are you tired already?" "One leg," I reminded her. "Hmm. Anyways," she said, opening the massive double doors, " Welcome to Canterlot!" Before me was a massive table covered in various foods and drinks. Sitting in the chairs were Twilight's friends, the Princesses, and two ponies I presumed were Cadance and Shining Armor. I had a lot of time to read up on events both current and ancient. Court politics are much more interesting than they are made out to be. As soon as I walked in, all heads turned to Twilight and I. I started leaning on my cane in an effort to make me seem less hostile. "Hi Josh!" called Pinkie cheerfully. Everyone else stayed silent. Celestia finally spoke up, "Welcome." "I, uh, apologize for my appearance. These are the only clothes I... have," I stammered. "Oh, darling, don't worry about it, I plan on making you new ones," said Rarity. "Ah. Good, then." "Josh," Twilight said, "I would like to introduce you to my brother, Shining Armor, and his wife Princess Cadance," Twilight said. "Good evening," I said. "Welcome to Canterlot," Cadance said. Shining merely nodded while eyeing me warily. While I was somewhat offended by this, I really couldn't blame him. "Josh, sit by me!" Pinkie called, gesturing to an empty seat beside her. I sat down by her, Rainbow being unsubtle that it was a bad deal, but if there's one thing I enjoy, it's turning bad circumstances into something hilarious or not quite as bad. Quite being the operative word. The meal was good enough, I didn't eat as much as I normally would have. Some of it was nervousness, of course, but most of it was grass. Both the food and the reason I didn't eat. The bread and pastries, both of which I consumed quite a bit of, were delicious, as were the fruits. The salads were... salads, bland but not terrible. I waited expectantly for the main course, and all I got was dessert. "Is it normal to eat dessert first here?" I asked. "What do you mean?" Asked Twilight. "Well, there was no-" And then it hit me. They were herbivores. "Nevermind," I said. "What is it?" Twilight pressed. "You don't want to know." "Why do you say that?" "It will disgust you." "What is it?" "In my society, it isn't a meal without..." "What?!" "... Meat." She was completely taken aback by this response. Most of the ponies were aghast at my utterance, and Shining drew a sword concealed within his armor. Celestia spoke, "That's enough. Prince, stand down." He had no intention of the sort and began moving towards me. I sprung out of my chair as quickly as I could, considering my leg, and backpedaled as much as the nearby wall would allow. "Stand down," Celestia repeated. "He is a monster, and needs to be-" "I ORDER YOU TO STAND DOWN THIS INSTANT," Celestia boomed. That did the trick. My ears were ringing, but it could have gone worse. I could be dead. "That was uncalled for. Other species on this planet eat meat, and you do not purge them." "He is unnatural. You saw the results if the blood tests," Shining said. "Hold on, you say that my blood isn't natural?" I asked. "Wait, are these tests conducted on the two month old blood?" "They weren't two months old at the time, but yes," Twilight said. "What are these so-called "unnatural" results?" I inquired. "You have about 1000 thaumoceptors per cc of blood," she said. "Meaning...?" "Magical energy is generally measured in thaumorecs per cc." "So that's... Good, right?" "Not even close. Unicorns have three billion per cc." The sheer scale difference was astounding, "Three billion? Three billion? My God." "Most sentient creatures have two point five billion. Powerful unicorns and other powerful magic users have been know to get all the way up to three and one-half billion," she said. I was, quite frankly, awestruck. "What does this mean, exactly?" I asked. The average small flower has more magical potential than you," she stated matter-of-factly. I slowly sat back down into my chair and began to eat the cake before me. All eyes were on me for several minutes as I ate the cake. "For God's sake!" I yelled, storming out if the dining hall. Not my greatest plan, but hey, at least I'm not dead. Why do I get the terrible feeling that I will be saying that a lot?
In Which the Cake Not Eaten, and an Ultimately Pointless Conversation is HadA house is not a home unless it contains food and fire for the mind as well as the body. Benjamin Franklin There I was, standing on the balcony in the moonlight, looking over the city below, and beyond that, the expanse between Canterlot and Ponyville, the town itself barely visible from this distance. After the debacle at dinner, I asked the guards to escort me to my room, a lavish abode containing all the luxuries of modern lifestyle. It was a far cry from my mat at Zecora's, certainly much more comfortable, but I couldn't help but want to return the the humble cottage, and to my mat on the floor. Well, perhaps not the mat, I would have preferred a proper bed, something Zecora took great pains to find for me, but the endeavor turned fruitless, as there were no beds large enough for me to sleep on. Sleeping areas aside, I missed the hut anyways. There was always something to read there, and the company much better. Much better indeed. My reminiscing was soured by the reminder of that outrageous affair at dinner. Still, once this summit was over, I could go back to Ponyville, see Zecora again. I sighed deeply, my breath carried away by the evening breeze. I turned back into the room. On the bed lay a note. I had read this note before, it was the first thing I noticed upon entering, but I decided to read it again. Joshua, These will be your quarters for the entirety of your stay here, I hope they are to your satisfaction. If you need anything, inform the guards. You are free to go anywhere you please within the castle. The guards will escort you to any location you wish to go. I apologize for the guards, as well, but they are for your security. Once the summit is over, you may go back to Ponyville if you so choose. Below the note was a signature in fancy cursive, and a seal, presumably the royal one. I set the note down on the bedside table, there were other matters to attend to. Firstly, a proper shower or bath, whichever one the bathroom happened to be equipped with. I hoped for a shower, if there was only a bath I might as well have been sitting in river water again. Secondly, sleep. Who knows what tomorrow will bring? Before I could act out my plan, the door opened behind me. "I'm not in the-" Before me was not one of the princesses or Twilight, but rather a yellow pegasus with a pleasing pink mane. "Ah, hello Fluttershy, I was expecting somebody... taller." The doors closed behind her. "I hope I'm not interrupting anything," she squeaked. "No, it's quite alright. Have a seat," I said, gesturing to a posh chair in one corner of the room. She sat down there as I sat on the edge of the bed, facing her. I'm sorry, Fluttershy," I said to her, holding my head in my hands. "Oh, you don't need to apologize. Shining was just being... overly protective. He was captain of the guard for many years, and he's Twilight's brother." "There's protection and then there's bellicosity. He put a sword to my throat, what am I to do, ignore that fact? He thought of me as naught but a threat to the nation, some fierce beast to be slain for the good of the realm." "You forgave Applejack for calling you a monster." "Her actions were taken in ignorance, and no harm came of it. Shining acted out of malice. Besides that, you are ignoring the fact that he wanted to slit my throat." She seemed deeply perturbed at this point. "Believe me, I can tell the difference between malice and ignorance. Life has taught me that much common sense, at least. "But tell me, how much of a diplomatic nightmare is it out there?" "Pinkie is inconsolable, Shining is being lectured by his sister, his wife, and the other princesses, and the rest of us are trying to calm Pinkie down before she does something drastic." I sighed yet again, but this time, no nocturnal wind carried my cares away. "If its okay with you, I'm going to go now, I can feel that you want to be alone." With that, she got up, opened the double doors, and left the room. I sat there for a few precious moments, pondering the nature of my predicament, and wondering about what the future would hold. Come to think of it, I still didn't know what I was actually in Canterlot for. When I inquired to Twilight earlier, she simply responded 'You'll see in a second,' only for my question to go unanswered. I got off the bed and prepared to head for the shower, when I was yet again interrupted by the doors opening behind me. "Can I not both have my cake and eat it?" I asked the ceiling.
In Which Some Bad Fish Makes Itself ApparentThe difficulty with this conversation is that it's very different from most of the ones I've had of late. Which, as I explained, have mostly been with trees. -Douglas Adams "What cake do you speak of?" asked a regal voice behind me. "The Metaphorical Cake of Untruth," I replied, turning to face the figure behind me. Standing there was, in all her nocturnal glory, Princess Luna. "Would you like a seat?" I said, gesturing to the chair in the corner for the second time that night. "I'd much rather go to the balcony," she said, quickly walking outside. Grumbling, I hobbled over to the balcony. "Tell me, what am I here for?" I asked Luna. "In three days there is a diplomatic summit to introduce you and Twilight to the world." "As if I was some attraction at a zoo?" She paused for a mere moment. "Tomorrow you will be fitted for clothes, given a haircut, and all the other boring tripe that one must go through before meeting dignitaries." "I take it you don't like them?" "Oh no, several of them are good friends of mine, but an entire day spent talking is, believe it or not, quite taxing." "Oh boy, I can believe that," I said, shifting my weight a bit to ease the pressure on my bad leg. "You sound like you know the feeling." "I was a professor back home, that and writing was my life, more or less." "That seems to be a recurring theme," she said. "I suppose I should tell you, I came here to retrieve you." "What for?" "Apologies from Shining." "I really don't thi-" She put a hoof to my mouth. "No excuses." "Can you get me my cane, then?" She levitated my cane over to me. I gripped the handle firmly all the way to our destination, a small room with a table in the middle. Sitting around the table were the princesses and Shining. Cadance gestured to the seat across from Shining, indicating that I should set opposite him. I did as I was bid, leaning my cane against the table. "I apologize for my rash action," he said through gritted teeth. "Very well then," I replied with similar enthusiasm. We sat in silence for a few moments, before a sudden wave of nausea passed over me, ending as quickly as it started. "Look, I'm real sorry, it's just that, I was scared for the safety of my little sis, and Cadance and-" he blurted out, looking at me apologetically. "Okay then," I said, looking at him quizzically. He sure changed his demeanor quickly. I felt another wave of nausea pass over me, leaving much slower than the first one. "Ooh," I clutched my stomach. "Could you ever forgive me?" asked Shining, his eyes practically begging. I resisted the urge to retch. "Are you okay?" he asked. I shot up in an attempt to find a place to vomit, only going about ten feet before my leg gave out, and I fell to the floor, my guts emptying when I opened my mouth to cry out. The last thing I felt was my head hitting the stone floor.
In Which a Fairy Is ChasedAs much as I'd like to meet the tooth fairy on an evening walk, I don't really believe it can happen. -Chris Van Allsburg It was a beautiful day outside in Longview, Texas, perfect for taking a lovely stroll through the pines, or perhaps a picnic. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, the breeze was pleasant and cooling, and there were some lovely clouds overhead. I continued my morning walk, a ritual that I had participated in since graduating high school, while whistling a merry tune, the same tune emanating from the earbuds of my phone. The piece came to an end, and, while deciding on a new one, I glanced at the clock on my phone. "Oh no, I need to get to work!" I began to walk more quickly, but not to the point of a jog, as the trail was almost finished. I practically threw myself into the car when I arrived at the small parking lot. I quickly started it up, and began the drive to my job, a professor at the local college, a rewarding, if oftentimes difficult job. I always go straight from the park to the college, so my things were in the backseat already, meaning that I didn't need to stop by my house before heading to work. I was a professor of philosophy, a smallish class, in fact, it was one of the smallest on the campus. I really didn't care about that though, so long as I could teach someone. I arrived at the campus slightly late. Fortunately, I didn't have a class to teach for a while, but some students occasionally had questions that were not readily answerable in class. When noone was there, I turned to writing my book, my third, in fact, a book dealing primarily with the ethics of the singularity and alien contact. A bit outlandish, yes, but because of the interesting premise, hype was fairly easy to generate, particularly amongst sci-fi fans. I sat down at my desk and booted up my laptop. The (still unfinished) draft was stored on this computer, not on the college's desktops, mostly because I often worked on it from home, although some of it was mild paranoia. Time flew by, as did the day's classes, and before I knew it, I was on the drive home. I had gotten quite a bit of work done on my book, but I hadn't gotten as much as I wanted. Not only that, but it was a very beautiful day, so I decided to stop by park again. I got out of the car and grabbed the bag containing my laptop, walking along the trail until I came across a bench. Sitting down, I opened up the computer and booted it, and began to write. I quickly found that it was quite refreshing to write outside. "I should have done this sooner," I said to myself, as the clear air was having a rejuvenating effect on me. About half an hour and several people passed as I typed away before I decided that I had done enough. I turned off the laptop and placed it in my bag. As I stood up, something caught my eye. There, in the long shadows created by the setting sun, was a faint light in the trees. I moved towards it, figuring that someone had wandered off the trail and gotten lost. I continued to walk towards it, eventually getting close enough to see that it had a blue tinge to it. "Somebody there?" I asked. The light didn't move. "Hello?" By this point I was close enough to see that the light was fire, rather than electrically generated. "Anyone?" I stepped within ten meters of the light. Much to my surprise, there was nobody there, only the strange floating blue fire. "What on Earth?" I asked myself, walking closer to it. Just as I grew close enough to touch it, it started, and flew away. I chased after it, hoping to find out what it was. I thundered through the woods, until I tripped over a branch. The light continued on. "Wait!" I shouted, scrambling up and running towards it with renewed vigor. I slowly gained on it, but before I could touch it, I fell into a pit. ~~~===***===~~~ The bell sounded, ending the work day at Sweet Apple Acres. "That's the last one, Big Mac," came a thick drawl. "Eeyup," the large red pony responded. "If it's alright with y'all, I'm goin' ta double check the field," said the orange mare. Big Mac nodded and turned towards the barn. Applejack, for that was her name, turned towards the orchard, for one last check to see if every tree had been bucked. ~~~===***===~~~ I came to lying down in the grass, hungry and disoriented. I lay next to a dirt path and a fence, beyond which lay neat rows of trees with apples hanging on the branches. I looked up at the sky. The sun had still not set, but that would certainly not be the case in a few minutes. My stomach growled, and, after making sure that I had not been robbed in my unconscious state, hopped the fence. I took a few apples off the tree, resolving to find the owner of the orchard and pay him or her back later. In the mean time, I snacked on the apples, walking parallel to the fence and thinking about the strange phenomena that had just occurred. What I chased was either an illusion or a wil-o-the-wisp, and considering that I had not been robbed, the chances of a convoluted scheme to rob unsuspecting passers-by seemed less likely. "It couldn't be an actual fairy, that's preposterous!" I said. Part of me wanted it to be true, of course, but my rational mind disregarded the notion. So I continued walking until I heard a voice. "Right, that looks like everything, guess I had better get back to the barn." The voice had a southern accent, and was obviously female. Perhaps she was the owner, or at least, an employee? "Hello?" I called. "Who is it?" she asked. I began walking towards the voice at an increased pace. "I seem to have gotten lost," I said. "Is this your orchard?" "I am co-owner of this property, yes," she replied. The voice was certainly closer to me now. "Good, I got a bit hungry and ate three apples, and I wanted to pay you back. How much were they?" I asked, taking out my wallet. I was very close to her at this point. "One-" she paused,"buck." I fished around in my wallet for a dollar. "That's awfully cheap... Ah ha!" I said triumphantly, finding a dollar bill. I put my wallet back in my pocket and looked up, money in hand. There was a very small, technicolor horse wearing a cowboy hat in front of me. "That's an odd coloration for a horse," I said.
In Which a Confrontation Occurs, and Research is DoneImagination creates some big monsters. Oliver Martinez The horse stared at me slack-jawed. Interesting, I didn't know that horses could do that. Come to think of it, it looked only superficially like a horse, it's head was too big, and its eyes too big for its head. "Hello? Ma'am? I have your money!" I called into the trees. "What in tarnation?" I heard, the sound coming from the horse. "Hello? There's a smallish horse, er, thing, here!" I looked back at the horse, only to see it charging at me. "Oh-" I was cut off as it impacted. I lay sprawled on the ground, the horse looming over me. "Go back ta the forest, monster," it said. Mons- Wait, did the horse just talk? "Did you just talk?" I asked. "Of course Ah can talk. What's surprising me is that you can." "Well then, could you let me up?" "Give me a good reason ta, monster!" "For one thing, I am not a monster. I have a name, you know." "I don't care 'bout yer name, I just want to know what yer doin' outside the Everfree," she replied with steel. "Everfree? What's that?" I asked her. "The forest!" "No, that's... Wait, where am I?" "Y'all're in mah orchard!" "Well, yes, but I meant what planet, because there are no talking horses in my world." "Ah am not a horse, Ah am a pony," she said indignantly. "As far as I know, ponies don't talk either. Now answer me, where am I?" "Y'all're in Equestria." It hit me. I really had chased a wil-o-the-wisp, and wandered into a fairy tale. All we needed now was knights, magic, princesses, and some evil creature to slay, assuming that I wasn't the monster. I looked up at her, "Ma'am, could you please get off of me?" She reluctantly complied, saying, "Y'all don't try anythin' now." I stood up slowly, as to not arouse suspicion. "Thank you," I said. "Git off mah property!" "Alright, alright," I said, backing up. "Which way?" She pointed to my left with her hoof. "Now git!" I ran quickly, not stopping until I encountered the fence. After hopping it again, I stopped to catch my breath. ~~~===***===~~~ Applejack ran faster than she had in ages. "Applejack, where are ya goin' it's gettin' dark," called Granny Smith. "Ah need to see mah friends!" she answered. "Don't take too long, yer supper'll get cold!" called Granny. "Kids these days, always dashin' about." ~~~===***===~~~ The sun began to set. First off, shelter. The forest seemed like the only option at this point, considering the pony's violent reaction to my presence. I wandered beneath the boughs of the trees, hoping that it didn't rain. Even under the trees I would get wet, which, among other things, wouldn't be comfortable in the slightest. I sat near the base of one of the trees and thought about what just happened. The gravity of the situation hit me. I was either mad, or I was in a different universe, possibly one without humans. If the dominant species on the planet were these ponies, and of they were all just as opposed to me as the orchard keeper, then would likely never see civilization up close again. I would have to forage in the forest, a difficult process at the best of times, downright impossible at the worst. I sighed. At this point, my only hope was finding another fairy. ~~~===***===~~~ Twilight Sparkle was the librarian in the humble town of Ponyville. Easily one of the smartest ponies in the principality, possibly the world. So when Applejack came to her house telling her something about a monster, she immediately took to finding out what species it was based on Applejack's description, and telling Applejack to find the other Element Bearers. What she found was interesting, indeed. Once everypony was there, she began; "From what I can tell, this creature is called 'human.' Legends say that the last human died in the year 146 Before Celestia and Luna, killed in the mythical Siege of Thirnoc, one of the last holdouts against Discord's Army of Chaos. She was a powerful wizard, and the fortress only held out so long because of her protection." "Why hasn't anypony heard of humans, then?"asked Rainbow Dash. "Much of the period before the Diarchy is poorly recorded or inflated, as much of the records were used as propaganda by the rulers of various small kingdoms," Twilight responded. "So..?" "It was disregarded as myth, since they don't exist anymore, or rather, nopony thought they did." "Are it dangerous? If it comes out of the forest, I don't want it hurting the animals," Fluttershy asked fearfully. "Most surviving records state that humans are powerful warriors, only regularly losing to griffons and dragons in combat," Twilight replied. "So that's a yes, then?" asked Rainbow. "They are, however, a magically weak race, with only about one in fifty capable of learning advanced spells, and only one in five capable of learning any magic at all." "No?" asked Rainbow again. "Very, even without magic. They show a liking of machines, there are even records of weapons that spewed fire, ash, and metal. It's said that these weapons could take out soldiers in heavy armor as if it was butter." "That sounds dreadful," Rarity said. "So Twi, was I right in kicking it off mah property?" asked AJ. "I don't know. I just don't know," Twilight said, "But I have sent a letter to the princess about it. If anypony can answer that, she can."
