Heart of Scales

Heart of Scales

Turn 16: Better

A ruby, scales, and a scroll. Those were the three things Spike had come to find in Rarity room. He still felt the tingling feeling that he had been overwhelmed with during his discovery. Though it was a mix of many feelings that were in him as he looked into the drawer, “glad” was the closest thing to summarize all of it. And even that, was a difficult word to describe what had went on inside him. Glad, without the slightest bit of positivity that came with such an emotion. He did not regret his choice, entering Rarity’s home, room, and ultimately her drawer to find the so called “answers” he had been longing to find there.

Concerning the ruby,

Spike had wished for Rarity to have it. Not just have it, but to have saved it. For what? To use on another dress? To simply look at? To remind herself of her “mistakes” in Canterlot? Or for Spike, for a purpose that is somehow related to him? It is possible think from this that she could be expecting his return, hoping for it even.

What would she say to Spike in the event that he did return?

“I’m Sorry”, that is what Spike imagined Rarity to say to him first. Nothing else came to mind. After that, she would try to make amends wouldn’t she? To have no bad emotions remain from the Fashion Show incident. If it appeared that still Spike did not understand where she stood as far as the two of them in a relationship was concerned, she would try in the least offending way possible, get him to understand how she does not believe a dragon and a pony to belong with each other.

At least, that would be the situation based on what he knew.

What would Spike say to Rarity?

Generally that he was sorry as well. That could never be left out. He would then accept her apology, as she accepted his own, and that would be that. Spike would then, in a hopeful gesture, try to explain his point of view of their whole “relationship” situation. That he had genuinely believed that their differences could have been overlooked, that it would have worked out for him and that he had been foolish to have forced such a thing on her. As it turned out, his actions based on his beliefs at the time played a big part in this entire misunderstanding. Afterwords he would still be somewhat “friends” with Rarity. How couldn’t he?

Spike would have to explain that he had been out of line, and that he now respected and understood, Rarity’s feelings... her boundaries... her walls and fences...

Perhaps, if Spike was as weak as he thought he was, he would ask her if he could be able to work with her again... Even though there was nothing to chase, but the pleasure of a few old memories and the lightness of heart that came with knowing that that was all there was to it, just the sorrow that he would have to deal with, just to be happy again.

He would stand at the other side of that fence, gripping it, longingly, staring into the horizon that lay visibly across it.

The ruby, Rarity would return to Spike. It would mean that even though she couldn’t give him everything he wanted, she was still thankful for everything he had done for him.

What would he do with such a thing? The thing that had been more than a symbol, but less than a promise. Keep it? He didn’t know what use he would have for it. Eat it? As Rarity had suggested when she first gave it to him?

How could he? He would feel sick, just considering putting it near his mouth, let alone eat it, fill his insides with powdered shards of his hopes that were.

Spike didn’t want that. He didn’t want to believe that it was just because he was a dragon. That was why he was searching so desperately for a reason for it to mean otherwise. That it was just because he had asked her, as Ruby, the reasons behind rejecting the one who had cared the most for her. The others had told him, opened his eyes to the possibility, that it did mean otherwise.

It means that Rarity's 'no' wasn't an absolute no...

Maybe Rarity... just wasn't ready to make that kind of decision...

If her no was really what it had meant, if she, in fact, had been ready at that moment when he confessed, to make that decision and give him the answer, if she had already made it to begin with, those words would have condemned him to a slow and painful death as he chased something that wasn’t there. As he followed a road that concluded in a dead end. A dead end that ended not in a wall, but a cliff, an abyss.

None of that mattered anymore, not to Spike. Even if Rarity really meant “no” back then when he was a dragon, she had no reason to tell him “no” in his current state. If Rarity hadn’t been sure what to say to his confession, if she really hadn’t been ready to make that decision, chances were better than ever with him as a pony. This was his beacon of hope. The reason for him to continue this road. It was all he had down that path. She didn’t want a dragon and now he wasn’t one.

But what good was that now? He was Ruby, somepony who just met Rarity on a train and who has just begun being her close friend. Was he to start over? Try to earn Rarity’s love from scratch? No, Ruby was too much of a lie, and Spike was too proud of what he had done for Rarity just to leave it all behind, let it end so pathetically. If he were to continue, he would surely have to return, as Spike. He was able to now, he believed he had good enough chances to do so, that and other reasons.

Concerning the scales,

Those were the most puzzling to Spike. Their presence in Rarity’s drawer provided him with no more doubt than they did reassurance. They were the scales he had pulled off from his own skin, a part of himself he had given to Rarity to be a part of her dress for the sole purpose of bringing her closer to her dreams, her happiness. The same dresses he had destroyed with his own breath.

They were... burned...

Dragon scales are unaffected by ordinary fire, even scales from a baby dragon. Magical and dragon fire can leave a mark, but the scales that Spike found in Rarity’s small chest were only slightly faded in color. Nothing that hinted at long exposure to or irreversible damage done by such fire. Rarity had gone back, after, surely not during, his destruction to retrieve those scales.

Retrieve them, for what? Was it because she recognized Spike’s sacrifice? Were his scales, his feelings, that much precious to her? Perhaps it wasn’t valuable to her in that way. Maybe she had retrieved it in the same way she had his ruby? Something to return when he came back? Another token for his good will and intentions? Things that were worthless to him in his own possession? Or even worse. It could be only the scales that she valued, never what it meant for him or the feelings he had placed in them when he gave them to her. But valued for being so rare and unusual as a material. So that she would be able to, once again, use them?

No, it couldn’t be that, can it?

Concerning the scroll,

Spike had always anticipated the possibility, since the first letter that was sent from Princess Celestia to Rarity. It told of the good chances that Rarity was going to be able to continue her career. Never did Spike expect this chance to come so soon, also during such a difficult time for Rarity. Him as well.

Another Fashion Show, Spike learned, was the contents of the scroll. Announcing that they were going to have another in the near future. It was within the same year as the failed last, very close, especially for an event of this scale.

Rarity never deserved to have the Fashion Show ruined for her as it had been. Spike had wondered many times how much better the outcome would have been had he not decided to follow Rarity to Canterlot that day in her studio. Even though she wouldn’t have made the best dresses out of all, it wouldn’t have been a disaster. If only Spike had kept himself under control, she might as well have had been up there with the best of the best, but because of one stupid selfish mistake...

To see Rarity’s smile as the thousands applaud at her wondrous designs, the work of her hooves, her creations. Spike wanted to see it. Nothing else would allow him to truly forgive himself for ruining her first show. This was his opportunity. Rarity would be sure to need an assistant. Surely Rarity, who had been the one to receive the scroll, understood that she wouldn’t be able to do it alone. With the bad arm she won’t be able to create the number of required dresses for her line in given time even if she did decide to remake the dresses that she had already drawn out.  Magic was no way to carry out tasks of utmost extreme precision, not for Rarity. As much as Spike believed in her ability. She needed both her hooves for such craft. Even with two good arms, it would be difficult, without him there to help her.

If he were to do that, he would have to finally reveal himself. Return as Spike. He couldn’t help Rarity as Ruby. Ruby wouldn’t know anything about the second Fashion Show and Rarity made him promise not to worry for her. She would just find him out by the way he worked, anyway. It would be a dead giveaway for somepony like her, watching an extraordinarily similar style of work between Ruby and Spike. If he played it dumb and avoided the obvious, but oh-so-efficient way he used to work with her, it would be slow and pointless overall. Not to mention Rarity’s disappointment and a reminder of how superior Spike was at the job. If Spike was going to go with “Ruby” all the way, he demanded that there be no inferiority to his old dragon self. He will not have it.

However, there were not a lot of things Ruby could do under those circumstances. Earning her trust as a designer once again, even if he did manage it somehow, it would only take to long. If they were to truly work with each other, there needed to be trust. Spike couldn’t ever be in that sort of relationship with Rarity as Ruby, deceiving her. At the end of the day, he wanted her to love Spike, him. Not Ruby.

He wanted to show Rarity as soon as possible that he wasn’t a dragon anymore, that there was no reason for his love, and possibly and hopefully their love not to work. She would accept it and they would work together again, to fulfill Rarity’s dream, their dream.

Concerning the rest of the contents of the scroll,

There was no time. This Fashion Show would be Rarity’s last chance. Spike’s last chance. There was no waiting for Rarity’s arm to heal. There was no longer any more time to search for the right time to return. He was in a position where he would have to make it for himself.

Details of this second half weren’t important. Only Rarity, Spike, and whoever decided for it to be this way would know, for now. Rarity, if she cared at all for her dreams would take this chance definitely, for sure. Spike, if he cared enough for Rarity, would put aside his cover to come to her aid when she needed it most.

Just what was Ruby? A phantom of his former self? Was he still Spike? He was, wasn’t he? Ruby was Spike, and more, was he not? Something completely different? Is Ruby just a name? Was it now an identity? What would he become if he were to reveal himself time? Ruby that had been Spike? Or Spike that had been Ruby?

Ruby was everything he wanted to be, and he didn’t even know what it was. The differences were clear the difference between Ruby and Spike. One was a dragon, one was a pony.

But things were so much more complicated than that...

Twilight’s Library grew larger and larger in the distance as Spike and Sweetie Belle approached it. From Spike’s back, where Sweetie Belle was riding, the tree and it’s branches seemed to grow very rapidly. They were heading towards it in the same swift speed that they had departed in when they started from the Carousel Boutique. Just when it felt like they were going to continue until they ran into the trunk of the great tree, Spike’s pace began to slow. Perhaps he was having second thoughts of going inside, or slowing down to give himself more time to consider what he would do when he did. Maybe even turn around and start in another direction altogether after dropping Sweetie Belle off. Maybe he was just tired.

Sweetie Belle was not able to see Spike’s face to confirm anything. It did not seem, however, that Spike was going to try and escape the party. At a speed slow enough that was soon come to a complete halt, he never quite came to a stop until they were well under the branches of the tree. He was turned away from it, like a parked carriage outside the front entrance.

The sounds of the party inside could be well heard from the outside, regardless of the thick and ancient trunk of the large tree that had excellent sound proof qualities. Even for a structure with purely wooden walls and hollowed insides, it carried out well it’s purpose of guarding the silence and tranquility of those enjoying a nice book in the library. Despite the many distractions that kept one’s attention from the uneventful outside, Spike did not want himself to be seen from anypony enjoying the party. Not until he wanted to be seen, not until he was ready to enter. He did not want to be the center of attention in a party any time soon. He was very much aware that he was well known and that would be enough to make just that for a good part of the night.

Sweetie Belle felt that the sun was going to rise and fall a few times if she were to wait to ride Spike into the party. She slid off his back as delicately as she could. She couldn’t help letting her luggage drop, as she was too short to carry it off. Spike was in no mind to make any of it easier for her.

“Can you handle the luggage on your own?” Spike asked, after all of Sweetie Belle’s work, while he continued to stare out into the streets, surprising Sweetie Belle that he was still with her, mentally.

“Taking it inside? Sure, you can trust me to do that.” Sweetie Belle showed off her strength, taking her own, not too heavy, burden and backing into and through the front door, into the party. Before leaving Spike alone and in reasonably peaceful peace, Spike heard her say one last time, “Good luck, Ruby!”

Spike was finally here, at the party, or at least in front of it, later than he had expected. He was sure that everypony that he intended to meet would be here now. At the same time also worried about keeping Applejack waiting for too long. By now Spike had a good feeling that Twilight had placed Rarity at the end of his list for reason. If that was true, most likely she would be wondering what had happened during the meeting between Spike and Rarity.

He was here to tell Twilight the results of their meeting. Telling her was the one job Rarity had asked him to do and he was excited to do it.

But he was struggling to enter the library. What if he ran into Applejack?

The front door opened with the escaping sounds of the merriment inside and the next thing Spike knew, he was looking at the grinning face of Twilight Sparkle, who closed the door behind her, once again muffling the sound that had, for a moment, filled the air around them. She joined Spike outside and stood beside him, staring out into the streets as he did. Spike could guess what she had been hoping for when he got here.

“I’d been waiting for you to come inside, but something told me that wasn’t going to happen anytime soon. I was watching you, right there, from the window.” Twilight pointed towards the party scene visible through the opening of the trunk. She kept her cool smile. Fatigue, if she had any from the long day’s work, seemed not to have left any signs in her eyes. Was it a good or bad thing, Twilight doing this well without him there to help her? Good or bad, he wasn’t sure. He wasn’t sure if he ever would be.

“I messed up and brought the wrong sister, sorry.” Spike apologized for Rarity not being with them at this moment. “Wasn’t that what you expected when you gave me the job this morning? Wasn’t our meeting what you wanted when you decided to send me to Rarity?”

“I can’t say that I didn’t have my own imaginings of what would happen if I did. All I could hope for was the best.”

“I hope that what I was able to bring to you tonight would be just that, the best.” Spike sighed. “Just what is that, the best? Whatever comes just before impossible?”

“That’s an interesting thing to ask. We can never know,” Twilight said with a giggle. “How were things with Rarity? We both know overseeing the prep for the festival wasn’t the only job I has expected you to do.”

“Rarity still felt a bit guilty, for disappointing you all.” Spike made no comment or reaction acknowledging Twilight’s true intentions, he had been expecting it all along. She did appear slightly disappointed for not getting any credit for it, positive or otherwise.

“Oh, I see.” It was as if Twilight had expected Rarity to be that way. “It wasn’t something I could help get off her chest just because I told her I didn’t blame her for it.”

“You didn’t say much to each other when you last met, did you?” Spike turned away from the distance to exchange glances with Twilight.

“Only enough, to keep each other going until we had another chance to speak. I hope that would be soon. It’s hard to catch her outside nowadays. I was so sure you’d be able to bring her here, to have a good time.”

“Meeting ponies is difficult. Everypony wants to know what happened, rumors are going around. She just wanted to be alone. Even though you and the others mean the world to her, she couldn’t bring herself to explain it to anypony. Not when they’re constantly reminding her that they wouldn’t understand, even if she did. In your case, Twilight, it’s not because you wouldn’t understand, but she feels guiltier the more you try to console her.”

“That’s why she didn’t come over, huh? You’re right, It’d be hard for her to handle a party at this moment. I’d explain things to everypony in her place, if only that were possible, but that’s only if I just knew more about what Rarity’s situation. I wish I could do more to ease her conscience. If only I was smarter to think up something to say to do just that. But it’s difficult to do when she’s the one blaming herself. If only there was a way I could make that guilt vanish.”

“She doesn’t feel as if she had the right to dump her problems on somepony she doesn’t want to burden,” Spike replied.

“What are friends for, huh?” Twilight shrugged. “Dumping her problems on other ponies, on me? About Spike not coming back... You’d think Spike would very indeed by my problem. You’d think I’d be mad because Rarity doesn’t believe that she should share those problems with me.

“But I’m not that kind of pony. Spike made his choices, said what he said. Rarity made hers and replied. Both of them are my dearest friends. I respect both of them and their choices. Spike... my poor Spike. He deserves the freedom to deal with his emotions which ever way he sees it fit. Who am I to take that away from him? I would never be as selfish and inconsiderate to be concerned that he isn’t here to clean after my messes because I’m to busy with my own things. I wish he were here, honestly. And no doubt, I wish it were soon.

“I don’t have anything against Rarity. I don’t have anything more to tell her besides that I don’t blame her. I don’t have any right to place blame. We all feel at fault, we’re afraid to take it, but refuse to give it away. A horrible thing that we should just forget, but nothing is ever that easy. The only way to forget, together. And I do wish for the chance to forget about it, together. Return to how things are supposed to be. Laughter and fun, friendship, between us.”

Spike added feeling deeply appreciated and respected from Twilight. He wanted to make her happy and tell her the good news he had as soon as possible. However, he mustn’t be hasty. Presentation is everything. “Rarity apologizes for not being able to come to the party.”

“Don’t say that.” Twilight sounded serious but broke into a joking tone. “It’s not like it’s my party anyway. Pinkie charged in and I was smart enough to get out of the way. I’d tell Rarity to pass her apologies to her, but I don’t think she’d even notice. I was out for the whole day anyway. The library would have been empty, the most uneventful place in Ponyville if she hadn’t thrown a party. I didn’t put Pinkie Pie’s party on your list because you can tell it’s all going well from a mile away, the noise she’s been making inside.”

Spike laughed agree with Twilight. “But I still feel obligated to tell you Rarity’s reason for not coming. The whole day has been really hard for her and she was just about spent for the evening after all the decorating.”

“That’s fine. I don’t know what value it had coming from me, but you can tell her I want her to get a good rest.”

“She wanted to make it up to you, though.” Spike smirked as he prepared to spend his good news.

“How exactly?” Twilight asked with anticipation, surely this was a sign of Rarity opening up to her, even just a little bit. What Twilight wanted all along.

“Even though she isn’t here with us now, I was just the one she wanted to speak with. I’ve managed to get her to feel better about herself. She’s agreed to come over for our next dinner party, at least, as you and I discussed.”

“Is that true?” Twilight asked excitedly in wonderment.

“But I really got the impression that she was going to be there just for my cooking.” Spike let out a deep and genuine smile, making it obvious that he was very proud of himself from the tone of his voice. “Since I don’t own the library, since I’m only the cook, I need to ask your permission before I do so.”

“Forget all that!” Twilight laughed, finding it hard to believe Spike would feel the need to even ask for her permission for something so obvious. “Come right in! Pinkie Pie barged right in, so why can’t you? Tell me when and I’ll get everything together, or all I can handle on my own. Even though I’m an expert when it comes to lists, goodness knows I won’t be any good when it comes to picking out the right kinds of ingredients.”

“I’ll let you handle the invitations. I’m sure you know who to send for. Other than that, keep the front door open and the kitchenware clean.”

Twilight took a deep breath of relief and nodded in reply. It seemed that the news of Rarity coming to the next dinner party seemed to have taken a lot of concern off her chest. That was one less night spent worrying about a friend in a hard spot. Twilight’s smile seemed to have grown in purity, probably because there was one more thing backing her current cheeriness, a thing of great significance.

“Speaking of keeping the kitchenware clean and whatnot, isn’t it hard at all without your assistant? You don’t seem to be affected by his absence.” Spike suddenly asked the next thing that came to his mind. Something that had been present in the back of his head for a few days now. It was great that and a relief that Twilight was doing well by herself, but it also bothered him, to realize that he wasn’t a necessary part in the machine, that he could be taken out of the picture and it would still run. She didn’t even need a replacement, which Ruby would be happy to fill in for, but she turned down the offer, troubling Spike even further.

“I don’t seem to be affected, huh?” Twilight pondered the one line. “Does it really seem that way now? It sure didn’t the first few days I was without him. You know all about it didn’t you? That I had a hard time adjusting?”

“Why would you ask me that?” Spike asked defensively and was met with a scrutinizing gaze from Twilight. It was too obvious, but he wasn’t even sure when he even gave the idea.

He decided to drop his ignorance and admit that he indeed knew that Twilight wasn’t doing exactly well without Spike’s presence. It was nice to know that Twilight did have some difficulty without him, even if it were only the first few days.

“How did you know that I was aware?” Spike changed his question accordingly.

“When you came over to make dinner for me that day.” Twilight said with a smug smile, eyes closed and all. “You noticed that I was in dire need of home-cooked meals and came to the rescue.”

“Oh!” Spike laughed. “There were a hundred noodle cups in the bin, the dishes were collecting dust. I know the signs. I sure do...”

“It really makes you appreciate how much Spike had done for me before I realized that he wasn’t going to be there to make dinner every night.” Twilight sighed. “I can’t help but to think that I’d been so spoiled for having Spike with me to do everything for me.” Twilight went on. “Sure it doesn’t mean that I’d been sitting and doing nothing. I’ve had loads of work. It was only because Spike was there that I had the time to study and learn, be able to do and know things like I do now. It was about time I learned how to pull the other half of my weight, getting used to doing what Spike used to do for me. Cleaning, moving things, letters, and the worst, cooking... It’s not that hard once it becomes a daily thing.”

“You’re... doing everything?” Spike came to the disturbing realization that Twilight wasn’t ignoring everything that Spike used to do and getting by fine regardless. It couldn’t have been that simple. He had been too naive. She was actually doing it all on her own and she was getting better at it.

Spike didn’t want this at all, Twilight being independent. Until now Spike could have accepted it as a positive thing, but now it endangered the very purpose of his previous and hopefully, future existence and identity as Twilight’s personal assistant.

“No need to do that.” Spike laughed nervously, feeling a sudden desperation to convince Twilight to not head in that direction. “You’ve lived with an assistant for most of your life, don’t you think it might be bad to change lifestyles so suddenly? You probably don’t have much time for your personal studies anymore. Even if you do get to everything, the chores might not be as well done as they should be, a drop in standards is never a good thing.”

Spike knew, well enough that he was making a good point. He didn’t want Twilight to have to spend her precious time on things he could very much be doing for her.

“I might have to push back personal projects and there might be more dust than there should be after a cleaning, but I’m not one to complain.” Twilight replied with an uncomfortable amount confidence. “Fluttershy and even Rainbow Dash are independent. Pinkie Pie might not be alone, but she certainly pulls her own weight. And look at Applejack. She supports her family, doing all kinds of chores on the farm, which is definitely more work than chores in my little old library. It might as well be one of my personal studies. I’ll be able to catch up on my projects once I learn how to do things more efficiently. I’m making great progress, especially experimenting with all new kinds of cleaning magic. It’s challenging and fun, actually, when I don’t screw up the spells, of course.”

“Spike’s out of a job.” Spike hid is disappointment under a thin film of a smile.

“Now that’s a silly thing to say.” Twilight did not take Spike’s question seriously. He was doing a well job concealing himself, as it was obvious that it all still sounded very lighthearted to her.

“Spike has more than a job here, Ruby. You might not see more than just an opening for you to fill in, but there’s so much more to being my assistant than just anypony with credentials taking the position. I grew up with Spike. He’s been by my side ever since. To be my assistant means so much more to me than what the title implies. It wasn’t just an assistant that went missing when I found out Spike hadn’t returned from Canterlot. What went missing was... someone like family to me. I’d rather just do everything myself than give that spot away to anypony who comes waltzing by. No offense to you, you’re wonderful.”

Spike felt as if he had been lectured for forgetting such an important thing. A good lecture from Twilight was like honey to his ears with all the guilt of it being a lecture. He had a sincere look on his face as he digested the deep emotions he felt at hearing Twilight admit to Ruby that Spike was more than an assistant to her.

“I don’t know, how thankful I am.” Twilight went on stuffing his ears with this solemn goodness. “You’ve been such a help, despite the fact that I can’t have you be my assistant. From small things to the Summer Sun Celebration, watching the fillies, freeing up Applejack’s schedule, all the way to helping Rarity out in hard times and caring about me so darn much. Excuse me for asking but why did you come to a town like Ponyville? Something tells me you didn’t come here for no particular reason.”

“I found work here. So I stayed.” Spike replied, keeping his answer short for his convenience.

“You found work, huh?” Twilight smiled for a short pause then nodded. “I understand.”

Spike turned to Twilight, surprised that she accepted such a short answer. But after she finished speaking she was already headed back into the library. Spike eyes went to Twilight, then to one of the windows in his field of vision. A pony inside met eyes with him before he quickly turned away. It wasn’t anypony he knew.

“C’mon, Ruby!” Twilight laughed pulling him towards the party. Raising her voice over the loud noises of the party spilling out of the opened front door. “Don’t be so shy! You want to help me? You can come and have some fun! Rarity’s share of fun too. She’s not here, so you better enjoy yourself twice as much! You owe me that!”

He found himself putting up almost no resistance as Twilight led him through the front door, into the festivities.

Ruby was supposed to be better than Spike. There were things Ruby could do that Spike could not. That was why “Ruby” was so precious to him, but he had learned that there were things that Spike could do that Ruby just could not do altogether.

Revealing who he was meant mixing the two together. Something he hadn’t been sure or had been confident in doing. But if he wasn’t held back by Spike’s or Ruby’s limitations, perhaps he would be able to fix more than he ever could with just one of them.

What would he be if he revealed himself?

Something better, perhaps?