The epic story of a guy who went to Equestria and solved cancer
And I like totally beat Celestia at chess
We were doing nothing wrong when it all happened, the occasional psychedelic mushrooms to end the night, but my fatal mistake was driving drunk. We crashed into a pole, or something, and angel dust flew everywhere in the car. Did I mention we were drug dealers? Yeah...
To make a short story short, I died. I have no idea whether the others survived, fuck them. I awoke in a pastel world, filled with ponies. I called it Marioland. I wasn’t sure if I really died at this point, or if it was the shrooms. I really didn’t care at the time, for I was horny.
I wandered around, finding out, as all HiE fics start, not far from Ponyville. The thoughts raced in my head about filling each of the mane 6 up with my pudding. It tasted great, a nice caramel chocolate flavor always made me wanting more of it, and I was certain that they would too.
Oh, and I wanted to fuck them dirty too, get my tongue deep into their bodies, savor their juices as they came, fucking their holes until they formed into elephant ears. The thoughts gave me an erection, but I didn’t notice, and so I kept running around the place, knowing not what to do first.
I found myself pointing closely at Ponyville residents as I entered the village, but not with my fingers. They acted naturally, as if humans were natural in this world, but somehow zebras were not. I continued to walk around the town, searching for my first cuddly companion in which to tell all my secrets to and eat cotton candy with while riding each other like wild hogs during heat season, the scent of love everywhere in the barn, the mud filling up her holes as I slam her body into the ground with pure marmite.
Something wet leaked from my body from these thoughts, something sticky, something most people try to avoid getting smeared with. I had drooled but I was too focused on finding one of my darlings to care.
The town was quite a maze for me, as the show showed only specific landmarks but no connection between them all to help me out, as if the Cutie Mark Crusaders map would be any help, even if I remembered how it looked. I found myself in the market, the ponies everywhere going about their day. I located a crate and stood on it, attempting to find my victims. The luck was at minimal capacity.
She came up to me, I have no comprehension of why she did, but the little filly walked up to me at that point. She tugged on my pants to gain my attention. I turned to face the youngling with my appendage still tenting in front of her.
“Excuse me, sir,” the little filly said. It was clear to me she was a background filly, as I had no idea who she was, except that she was Twist. “You’re on my carrot box.” I got off the box, fearing she would become one of those super saiyan ponies.
I still have no understanding of why I ran away, other than Twist’s backside was leaking fluids that no filly she be leaking. I knew from that point on that Twist, of all the fillies, was a bedwetter.
I continued to run, unaware of where I was or where I was going. I ran through a familiar place, Sweetie Belle’s house, not the Carousel Boutique, but her family’s actual home that looked exactly like all the other background houses of all the generic characters. It was quite obvious that she lived there. I knew from that point where I was exactly, I was in Ponyville.
My god, how was I so blind to not know where I was?
Suddenly, the world was at my fingertips, and I floated straight to my first victim’s house, Rarity. I knocked on the door and she wasn’t home, so I floated to Twilight’s library of knowledge.
The door handle was cold, scrapped, and overused. Cum stains all over it suggested that Spike frequently masturbated before going outside, never once did he wash his hands after, it was part of dragon culture to do so. I rubbed my hands all over the handle, trying to heat it up with friction, when that didn’t work, I gripped it and turned the knob to open the door.
The inside was filled with books of all sizes: big books, small books, porn books, childrens books, funny books, tragedy books, bad books, happy books, and fapping books. All the books you could imagine, except for a dictionary, which was actually there on the table that Twilight was sitting at, but I didn’t notice at first because I was having a raging clue that she likes to read. I wasn’t sure why, but it seemed to be a fetish.
I walked up to her, as she was not giving a buck about a stranger entering her home. I focused all my creativity into my brain, every emotion into thought, and I said “Hey, Twilight, wanna fuck?”
She turned at me, eyes gaping, and she replied “Eh... I’ve seen better.” It was clear she was directing that towards my awesome socks. She magicated socks onto herself, enraging my sexual interests in her owl once again. “Listen, I’ve got to study for this really important test that will like totally ruin my life if I don’t pass it, even though I just need one out of fifty questions right to pass it, and it’s about a turtle racing a rabbit, so we do this and I’ll just like study and stuff.”
“Ok.” I ripped my pants off as if I was some sort of magician, spraying confetti everywhere.
Twilight raised her ass, preparing her body to get totally smashed by my little-to-none experience. I slipped my penis into her vagina, it was very dry as if she hadn’t got laid in years, or if ponies just never got wet. My dick scraped against her hard, crusty vaginal walls. I was in unbearable pain, but I kept going because I was a real man, but not really, I slipped out and started crying on the floor.
I then teleported myself like a snail to Applejack’s farm. I vaporized the barn with my epic squirrel powers. There she was, Applejack, beyongst my sight. She was a goddess and I was a cat. I was nothing compared to her. I walked up to her, ready to sacrifice myself for this maiden of feasts.
“Oh great maiden, “I started, “Won’t you bedazzle your genitalia with mine, so that we may create sexual yin yang? I am humbled by your presence, and yo ass looks damn fine, girl.”
“Alright, but Ah wanna get back to licking Granny soon as we don ‘ere, kay?” She ripped off her type two diabetes and started licking my still erect penis.
“Sugarcube, what are ya doin?” Granny Smith asked Applejack, coming over to us naked. “You suck like this.” Granny Smith leaned her mouth over to my sex maker and tried to deepthroat it, but I teleported away like a fucking ninja and landed at Fluttershy’s cottage, but unfortunately Granny had caused my boner to flatten.
I walked in the house with my +17 sex aura blasting all the critters in her house into their very own flying rugs. I was amazed how asian they all were, it looked like Alladin.
I walked upstairs, looking for the bitch. I found her sleeping in her bed, so I went over and laid in bed with her like Santa does with mommy every christmas. I laid for hours, thinking about how awesome I was. Until Fluttershy finally awoke.
“H-Hello...?” She mumbled to me, this was clearly her first time.
“Hello, Fluttershy, my names Tyra, Tyra Dactle. Do you want to fuck?”
“My-My names Fluttershy.... and of course I do!” She ripped the covers off of me. “I’ve been waiting to pop my cherry for forty-seven years now!” I remained calm, but her titties were taking me to a whole ‘nother dimension.
I became aroused and my dick constructed a lego castle as it became a boner. Fluttershy must’ve got scared by my dick because she pulled the covers over her head and started to scream.
“Hey, it’s okay, it’s just Mr. Whiskers, he likes you and won’t hurt you at all. He only wants to pop your cherry.” She took the covers off, showing that she was actually preparing her body under there with precious, rare oils from the 1st century romans, who were actually aliens.
But then... Tragedy struck...
I accidentally teleported myself to Rainbow Dash’s cloud home, and I was flying because I’m just like epic and shit. I was in her bedroom, and she was with Soarin’ in bed, constantly screaming for him to go faster. He was drenched in sweat, the friction between the two caused them both to start on fire and die. So I teleported to Rarity’s place.
She was there this time, in her bed, prepared and ready to get fucked by my glorious body.
“I’ve been waiting for you, darling.” She had a huge black vibrating dildo in her ass, the vibrations of her body caused me to prematurely ejaculate. And then I like totally cured cancer, the end.
Author's Note
I actually got bored of writing this so I just ended it, but don't worry, Cancer still exists.
The funny thing is, epic means long story, YOU'VE BEEN TROLLED! 
