Suicide is Painless

Have you ever wondered if fate was real? Is there some sort of unseen plan that dictates everything you do, everything that happens to you, leaving you to hope you pulled a good hand in life? Is everything we are ever meant to be already set in stone, and no matter how hard you try, nothing can change the future fate has planned for you? If you answered yes to any of those, then you know whats going through my head as I heft my backpack onto my shoulder, mount my bike and push off, riding away from yet another day of outdoor manual labor. Thankfully, the road leading away from the construction site is downhill, giving me a chance to coast effortlessly and cool down in the midsummer heat. Of course, next was an uphill part, so the relief is short lived.

I check my watch. Shit. Only a half hour til the bank closes. I stand up and pump the pedals on the bike. Its not the fastest thing, nor the most comfortable, but it gets me from point A to B. I had a car once, but I lost my job at one point, and had to sell it to make ends meet.

I round a corner and narrowly miss a man walking his dog. I call back my apology as he turns and yells at my dwindling figure.

The car was a graduation gift from my late mother. She never got to finish high school, due to an unexpected pregnancy, and was delighted when that unexpected baby fulfilled the dream she never could. I was delighted too. It was a big step in my dream to start a solid career and help her get the medical attention she desperately needed.

I slow to a stop at a large intersection and hop off the bike. My hand reaches for the crosswalk button, but I realize someone else is there, and has already pressed it. I grab the water bottle from the bottle harness on the bike frame and take a sip while waiting. I don't have to wait long. The white walk symbol flashes, and I power walk my bike across the street before jumping back on and doubling my efforts to make up for that lost time.

It was in my first year of college that my mother left this world. She had been living on borrowed time as it was, so no one was surprised when she just didn't wake up one morning. I felt...I cant really describe how I felt. I was sad, that's for sure. But I couldn't cry. The tears just never came. Instead, I just felt a small part of me shrivel up and die. It was the day after the funeral that my father introduced me to my new step-mother. Damn bastard didn't even care to mourn her before replacing her. But whatever. I was doing great in college, and would hopefully be out of his house in no time. That was 4 years ago...

I jumped off my bike, letting it crash to the ground as I scrambled into the bank, my hands groping inside my pockets for my slightly sweaty paycheck. The clerk recognizes me every time I come in here, and always greets me with a scrunched nose. I give zero craps about her opinion, so long as I get my money. After she hands it to me, I turn around and walk right back out. Now that I don't have a time to beat, I can take it steady to my house. I could use a hot shower after today.

The rest of my first year of college went by splendidly. 4.0 GPA and a bright future ahead of me. Then news came of a cut to federal financial aid. Now, I basically lived off financial aid. It not only paid for tuition and book fees, but also my food, gas, and the small amount of rent my dad had started charging me. After doing some number crunching, I came to the conclusion that I would need a part time job. This was during the rather steep recession that was going on at the time, so finding any job was a godsend. I was lucky enough to get a job at a fast food restaurant. They paid for our meals, so that helped out a lot in that area of my budget. Then it happened. My dad lost his job. Now, he'd already knocked my step-mom up, so he needed a source of income. And I was his solution. Over the years, hes raised my "rent" countless times, all the while taking more and more from me in the process. He tells me its until he gets a new job, but three years and not a single interview? Hello, 4.0 GPA here. I'm not stupid. But he had me by that point. I couldn't afford to go to college and pay for a place to live on a part time cooking gig. So I stomached it.

I wheel my bike up the driveway, parking it in the garage. Then I go around the house to the backyard. I keep a secret stash of cash in a hole under the doghouse. Ive been slowly saving up to get the hell out of this house. If I could find a room mate, I could probably afford to move out soon. But constantly working kind of leaves you a social pariah, so I didn't have any friends to ask.

Going back to the front, I softly open the front door. I hear the TV playing in the living room. He cant afford to pay for his own damn food, but he can afford HBO, apparently. I softly sneak by and almost make it to my room when he calls me. Damn.

"Whats going on, dad?" I say nonchalantly.

"Oh, not much. Watching the game." he replies

"Oh, its on? Who's playing?" I ask, trying to appear interested

He names off two teams and starts debating who he thinks will when and why, but is stopped by my step-moms curt little "A-hem..."

My dad gets back on topic

"Your bank report showed up in the mail today"

Oh fuck. The bank I use mails out reports of your account activity every three months. I had asked them to stop, but they apparently didn't. Now my parents have a detailed view of the check cashes Ive made, and they've no doubt compared it to what Ive payed them.

"Did you think you could rob us blind?"

I fumble a half believable excuse about how food prices are going up, but it matters not. The damage is done.

"I will get the money you owe us, one way or another." He threatens.

I grudgingly hand him all the cash in my pocket and trudge to my room. Fucking back. I make a mental note to permanently scrunch the nose of that damn clerk next time I see her...

One Hour Later...

The smell of TV dinners wafts down the hall to my room, making my stomach grumble. I ignore it, and pull out my pocketknife. I carve random doodles onto the back of a cabinet in my desk while waiting for my laptop to start up. Once it finishes booting, I open the web browser and surf to YouTube. The one good thing about payday is that there's always a new episode of my favorite show on YouTube.

During my third year of college, I was working full time, having been promoted to manager at the fast food joint. However, sporadic hours and a really crappy work ethics had killed my school record. Barley scraping by with a 2.0 GPA, my will to push myself was slowly being drained. Eventually, the inevitable happened...I lost financial aid. With absolutely no help to pay for college, I was forced to drop out and put all I had on this crappy fast food career. Then they dropped me like a rock when I needed a foot operation that would put me out of work for a week. During that week, you can imagine how bummed out I was. I absentmindedly skimmed the internet, day after day, looking for anything to cheer me up. Then I found it.

My Little Pony:Friendship is Magic.

At first I was skeptical. I mean, really, a show for little girls? Is that was I was sunk to? The first few episodes I had to force myself to watch. But each episode became easier, and suddenly, I had to force myself to stop. i don't know what it was, but this show cheered me up like it was written for that sole purpose.

I lay my knife down. The show should have been up, but for some reason it wasn't. No biggie. These things happen. It'll be up tomorrow, for sure. Feeling pretty bummed out, I decided to watch some older episodes. I quickly set up a playlist and started the marathon.

4 Hours Later...

The sun had fallen a couple hours ago. My head had slowly followed its decent, til I wasn't watching the show, so much as listening to it. Being half drowsy, I had let my emotions get the best of me and had managed a small little cry session. Now, I know some people might call me a wuss for that but cut me some slack. I mean, I'm suffering in this shit word, and these ponies are worried about what dress to wear to a damn gala. It was enough to push me past the edge, just a bit.

After the cry, I begin to feel sleep creep up on me, so I lazily disrobe and toss myself on the bed, switching my alarm clock to the on position as I fall...and fall...and fall into a blissful temporary coma...

The next morning...I awake, not to my alarm, but to my step-mom, bursting in and shaking me awake.

"Wake up, you sorry excuse for a human." She says in the tone she only uses when dad isn't around. "Get up. Your job called and I told them you'd be there early. Now GET UP!"

I bolt from bed and damn near slap her into a wall.

"You told them what!?" I yelled

"You heard me, now get moving. Your dad wants to see you before you go"

I angrily throw on my clothes from yesterday. They don't smell yet, so they'd be fine for another work day. Before I leave, I remember I left my laptop on last night. I move to the desk to...Wheres my laptop?

I walk slowly down the stairs. My dad is sitting on the couch, in the exact place he was sitting yesterday.

"You wanted to see me?" I slowly enunciate, doing my best to control myself, as I could already guess who took my laptop. I wanted to know why.

"Yeah, I did. Thought you were real clever, didn't you, hiding my money under the doghouse?"

My entire body froze. No. My one chance at freedom.

"That's right. The proper owner found it, and its safely in his custody now."

If looks could kill...if only...

"Also, when I pulled into the garage after dropping my money off at the bank, I kinda ran over your bike. Sorry. Call it even for hiding my money from me."

Now making no effort to hide my anger, I speak through clenched teeth

"So how am I supposed to get to work?"

He shrugs. "Ill drive you for now, til your bikes outta the shop. See? I even took it to the shop for you."

"How the hell am I gonna pay the repair bill for it?!" I half roar. No sooner do the words left my mouth than it clicks.

With a grin on his face; a FUCKING GRIN, he spills the beans.

"Oh, well, you didn't need that laptop anymore, what with you not being in college anymore, so I thought of a better use for it. Sell it and fix  your bike with the money."

That was it. I saw red. My one connection to the one thing that kept me up these past years, and its gone. There is nothing left now. And now Ill never get to see that episode either.

The past years of torture and torment all crash down on me at once, I feel that age old enemy of man, despair, creep up my spine. I realize Ill never be free of this nightmare. Never...

My dad was watching M*A*S*H on TV. its a fairly decent show. What a lot of people don't know is the true origin of the theme song. As the song starts to play, I sing the lyrics in my head.

Suicide is painless. It brings on many changes. And I can take or leave it if I please.

Any change would be better than this trap I'm stuck in.

I run to my room, gripping the pocketknife I left on the desk last night. Its still semi-moist from my tears. As I raise it to my neck, I can think of only one thing.

If I could be reborn, I'd want to be in Equestria