The Adventures of Billybob the Butt Bandit

The time had come. The two biggest loser humans to ever enter Horseland would square off in a battle for supreme-

"I'm not a loser, you hater!" the brony cried. Swinging his sword all unexperienced-like, he lunged at Billybob, only to trip over his untied shoelaces. Damn my amazing fashion features, he thought.

"Mr. Brony Guy Person," Billybob said swagily, "on this day, you shall be sent to meet our Lord and Savior Ronald Reagan." He pointed the Magnum XXL at the brony's head. "Prepare to die."

A stereotypical anime laugh came from the fatass, the kind of anime laugh the protagonist utters when they know that things will go their way because they're truly Japanese and their opponent isn't. "Fool," he said in a way that was hard to take seriously unless the reader was a total weeb, "you have no idea who you're messing with, do you?"

"Why don't you fill me in, Sunshine?"

Rising, Brownie Man flashed his confident smirk to Billybob. "I'm like no opponent you've ever faced. Every anime I've ever watched and every pony I've fapped to has prepared me for this moment. The moment I prove myself to my waifus." He winked at Celestia and the less important ponies. "I cannot let you steal what is rightfully mine."

In the blink of an eye, the brony disappeared.

"What in tarnation?" Billybob asked, looking frantically for the loser.

"I'm not a loser!" the brony screamed, reappearing behind Billybob and swinging his katana. Before he struck, a massive white object struck him, knocking him to the ground. He struggled under the object's weight until he saw the purple mane and tail. "Rarity?" he asked, his arousal rising due to the presence of one of his waifus, despite her being a corpse.

"Good shot!" said Pinkster, smacking Applejack's ass.

"I'm just glad she wasn't alive to see that. I'd get such an earful," Applejack replied, her blood pressure lowering due to Rarity's absence.

"It matters not," David Brony scoffed. He tossed Rarity's body away, sending her flying into orbit where surely she would collide with the moon. "Now, where were we?"

Billbob couldn't have prepared himself for the brony's speed. How can such a fatass move so fast? he thought. He fired several condoms towards the charging idiot, though none hit their marks.

"You'll need more than used condoms to defeat me!" With his spare hand, brown-stain-man reached into his trenchcoat pocket and threw the contents at Billybob.

A thick cloud of orange dust  surrounded Billibob, choking and blinding him. "Arg, I'm choking and I'm blinded!"

"Baka," said brony dude with a snicker, "anata wa watashi o taosu koto o kitai suru koto wa dekimasen!"

"The power of Google translate is strong in him," Celestia whispered. Though she had never seen its power unleashed in Horseplace, she had heard tales of lazy teenagers who would use it as a substitute for actually learning a language with disastrous results.

Billbob, smelling the brony's stench through the cheesy-nacho dust cloud, grabbed a bottle of lube from his other holster as quick as your parents dumping you on the streets after looking through your porn collection. He gave the bottle a mighty squeeze, praying to Reagan that he'd hit something.

"My eyes!" screamed the brony, falling down next to Billybob, his hands covering his eyes.

Ballyboop laughed a swagly laugh. "Game over, partner."

The brony smirked. "You know, if this was silicone-based, you might have actually beaten me. However" - he stood and looked Billybob in the nose - "this is water-based. I've built up an immunity to getting watery lube in my eyes, baka."

"Your eyes still look like shit, though," Billybob remarked, his comparison completely justified.

A little four-corner angry-anime-character thing appeared on the brony's head. "Grr, after I defeat this guy, I'm coming after you, writer!"

"Oh shit! Billybob, you better not screw this up!" said the writer, scared out of his mind.

Instead of continuing the fight, Billybob stopped to think. "Wait a minute, if you're writing this as I'm speaking, can't you just write me some super powers or something - or better yet - can't you just write this guy out of the story? This whole process is starting to feel needlessly complicated."

"I'm a writer, not a miracle worker."

"Eh, beggars can't be choosers, I guess."

"Are you going to keep making small talk with that reprobate in the sky or are you going to meet your doom?" whined the brony guy.

"Bring it on, ya shitposting pansy!"

For dramatic effect, both combatants were placed a good distance from each other so they could run towards each other all cool-like. Huge black bars appeared at the top and bottom of the screen to not only impair the viewers vision, but to also enhance what little suspense there was in the moment.

"Take this!" From his trenchcoat, the brony pulled out several plastic masks, all with the same funky mustache-beard combos. "Feel the Internet Revolution!" The masks flew towards Billybob like little shuriken things from a ninja anime.

Used condoms from the Magnum XXL took down every mask before they could reach Bellyboob, allowing him to continue running towards the brony unharmed.

The brownie smirked, pulling a computer tower from his trenchcoat and lobbing it at Billybob. "PC Master Race!"

"Not to be that guy, but" - Billybob picked up Rarity's corpse midstride and swung at the PC, smashing it into seventy-two pieces - "I think you're beating a dead horse!"

"Ah-ha! Nice meme, amateur!" From the brony's mouth, lines of text flew at Billybob as fast as he lost his virginity. "20% Cooler," "Muffins," "My Body Is Ready," and "Do It, Filly" all hurdled at Ballbuu, with nothing left but Rarity's corpse to fend them off.

Andrew Jackson give me strength. Like a total badass boss, he dodged and weaved his way through the words, smashing them apart with Rarity's body with every step. "Now that's beating a dead horse!"

"( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)," the brony memed, still running towards Billy as fast as his stubby legs could carry him.

After an undetermined (long ass) amount of time, the two finally reached each other. Billybob aimed the Magnum XXL at the brony, but it was sliced in two by the cheap katana.

"My gun!" cried Billby. The brony did a spin-kick move and hit him in the face, sending him flying. With a loud thud, he landed only a few yards from his pony comrades, tears streaming from his eyes. "I made that gun myself... it was my baby..."

"Well, Rarity was one of my waifus," said the brony, teleporting to Billy and pointing his katana at his throat, "and you killed her."

"Don't give up, Bill!" shouted Twilight, "we believe in you!"

"What's the use?" asked Borp, defeated, "his idiocy is too strong, and I'm out of weapons."

"That's right, hater. Now die!" The brony prepared his sword to strike in a super uncool fashion.

"Billybob, catch!" shouted Applejack, tossing a long, red object his way.

Billybob pushed the brony away and caught the gift while standing up. "My gorsh!" he exclaimed, "what's this?" He beheld the thick, crimson rod in his hands. Comparing it to his arm, he found that it was even wider and longer. At the very bottom, below two mini globes in a red coin purse, there was a hilt for an obviously badass sword. "This!" cried Berniebob, "this shall be my weapon!"

"Applejack?"

"Yeah, Twi?"

"Is that a full-scale silicone replica of your brother's penis and testicles?"

"Yeah, with a sword hilt built in."

"Okay, just making sure."

Recovering from the slight shove he received, the brony marveled at Billyborf's new toy. "That's... amazing. I've always wondered what Big Mac's 'big mac' looked like. Can I use it when you're done?"

"Mac this, you son of a bitch!"

Billie swung his weapon wildly at the brony who could only try and block his attacks. It was super cool, almost like it was from a super cool Chinese cartoon where people battle with swords that have spirits in them or some shit.

"This is for harassing those colorful asses!" With a mighty swing, Billybob struck the brony's katana, breaking it in two.

"You baka!" he exclaimed, "I paid twenty bucks for that in China Town!"

"It's over, moron." Billybob pointed his sword at the weirdo, not caring that it hung down a little.

"Show no mercy, Billybob! End that panty-stealer's life now!" Celestia squawked, allowing her inner bird to briefly take hold of her psyche. I need to see my shrink again, she thought.

"Bakas... BAKAS!" shouted le brony, getting all mad and shit. He hunched over, his hands near his side and his face scrunched up in the weirdest expression Berpderp had ever seen. "The time has come... to end this!"

Before Bi11yb0b could react, the brony started to scream, almost as if he were trying to draw power from the area around him. "What are you doing?" Bill asked.

"Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa... HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" The brony shrieked, the power of consitpation apparent in his voice.

"Oh shut up." Billybrup punched that dude in the face, sending him flying and ending his incessant stupidity. Before he could make sure his ass friends were okay, they all hugged him simultaneously, pleasing him greatly.

"That was amazing!" shouted Twilight.

"Way to use my brother's penis!" southerned Applejack.

"Butter," said Flutter.

"Why can't I talk?" asked Lesbian Dash.

Celestia patted Billyborg on the hat. "That truly was a marvelous display. You fought bravely."

"Sorry 'bout your panties, Big Momma."

She chuckled. "It's okay. I don't even wear pants."

Billybob liked this - a lot.

Rarity ejaculated.