Cole's vision came to him in hazy afterimages after fading to black every now and then. He racked his brain, trying to figure out what happened. He came up blank. He could feel the heat of flames on his skin but it wasn't uncomfortable. 'Musta been Nix's powers keeping me alive...' He thought grimly. Groaning, he stumbled to his feet, only to be met by the sight of a massive blob of biomass wriggling around in a purple aura. "What the fu-"

"Hey there's another one!" A horned lilac horse mutant exclaimed. Cole flared his hands and fired a powerful bolt of electricity at her. The bolt caught the horse's horn and sent it flying back, clearly unconscious. 'Whoa! That ain't normal...' Cole thought. Unbeknownst to him, the wriggling tentacles were now free.

"Grrrah!" It groaned, it's tentacles wriggling in the air. 'Okay, I've seen enough hentai to know where this is going...' The creature growled.

"Alright you ugly motherfucker, let's ro-OOF!!" He breathed as the monsters tentacle sent him flying. "He corrected himself in midair and sent o volley of electrical rockets at the creature. "Yeah...YEAH! Hit ME in the head again!" He gloated. He just failed to notice the tentacle behind him...

...Meanwhile in Pornyv-Ahem Ponyville...

The fight had lasted several hours, always at a stalema- "Stale? Fights aren't bread...silly narrator!"

"Uh...Whut?" A country mare asked.

"Of course you wouldn't understand Applejack your only part of a balanced breakfast remember?"

"Whut does that even mean Pinkie?!?"

"Girls!" Twilight had finally awoken,"Now's not the time for that! We have to monsters destroying Porny- I mean Ponyville!"

"I must declare that she is correct! I cannot and will not have my boutique ruined by these ruffians!!"

"I'll send a letter to Princess Celestia so we can use the Elements of Harmony!" The purple unicorn exclaimed and rushed off towards Golden Oaks library.

...Back to the fight...

Cole panted, more out of fatigue than lack of electricity most of which seemed to be stored in ley lines in the planet's surface. Cole's respite was cut short however by slow clapping coming from the smoking remains of a bakery near the town square. "Holy shit!" A voice said. "It's been awhile since I had a fight like that!" Cole was concerned now. A humanoid figure in dark chitinous armor leaped from the rubble and landed right in front of Cole. The figure held out his hand for a shake but, before Cole could take it the figure turned into squirming tendrils and transformed into a person about Cole's height wearing a dress shirt, heather jacket, hoodie, and jeans. "Name's Alex. Alex Mercer. What's yours?"

"Cole. Cole Macgrath. Nice to me-" A trumpet fanfare interrupted him as a golden chariot pulled by zebras was brought before them. As the zebras brought the chariot closer Cole heard the zebras singing. "Holy shit that is racist..." The duo said in unison. Suddenly the doors were opened to reveal a tall regal alicorn, wearing a southern dress.

"Well ah must declahare! You are the two downright strangest ziggers I evah seen! Naw don be scared none Ah won't whip yah...much!" Alex and Cole stare at her, dumbfounded.

"What the..." Cole starts.

"...Fuck..." Alex finishes.

...Meanwhile in the Universe's vagina A.K.A. where Cole first met Jesus...

Jesus sniffed the air, "Aw, shit!" He groaned, "Stupid dimensions crossing into each other again!" He sighed and jumped into his vertibird. He strapped himself in and took off. After going for awhile, he decided to turn on the radio. "Aw, yeah this is my jam!" He exclaimed and took off.

...Back in Ponyville...

"Oh my God...Shut the fuck up!" Cole and Alex yelled. Celestia raised her head in anger.

"What did you say?!" She charged her horn, ready to kill the two, but was interrupted by a giant aircraft flying in from out of nowhere.

"Somebody order a go-go gadget foot up their ass?" Jesus asks from the vertibird's intercom. "'Cause when I'm done with you you're gonna have a two kids named Nike and Reebok!" Jesus exits the virtibird and snaps his fingers. All the zebras were turned into white ponies in golden armor. Celestia was returned to her normal golden regalia. She was still charging her horn however at Cole and Alex but was interrupted again by a deafening bang. Celestia looked up and saw that her regalia was now twisted and warped. She suddenly knew that that could have been her...or one of her little ponies.

"Please..." She said trying to salvage the situation, realizing she was staring down the barrel of a gun. She gulped. "Don't hurt my little ponies..." Jesus hung his head and sighed.

"You know what?" He asked, "Here are your options..." Princess Celestia was hoping he wouldn't demand anything outlandish, impossible or...lewd. "Option one:..." Celestia listened intently. "Fuck you I'm Jesus!" He screamed and kicked her harshly in her ponyvag.

"Ahhh!" Celestia screamed in pain. "My Little Pussy!" (see what I did there? huh? huh? poke poke giggle giggle)

The trio were laughing there asses off...until they had found that they had suddenly teleported into the dungeon. "Awww, SHIT!" Their complaints were soon cut short as Celestia came into the dungeon, limping heavily.

"Hey Jesus!" Celestia exclaimed, "You better be glad your dad convinced me to release you three early. Also, he said he's taking away your vertibird. You're grounded."

"Aw, what?! That's bullshit..." He moped "You can't ground Jesus..." Cole and Alex stifled a laugh.

"Well," Celestia started, "since we've gotten all the "pleasantries" out of the way, I'm pretty sure you have some questions."

"Yeah, like where we are for example." Alex said.

"Well, you are in the magical land known as Equestria which is populated by strong Earth Ponies, magical Unicorns, and high flying Pegasi!" She exclaimed. "It is ruled by my sister, Luna and I and we raise the Moon and Sun respectively. We usually have all around peace and harmony throughout the land. Our capitol city is Canterlot, with outlying towns and settlements such as Baltimare, Ponyville, and Appleossa. We also have smaller city-states such as Germaney, Mexicolt, and Prance!"

The trouble-making trio looked at each other, took a deep breath and said,"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!

Author's Note

FFYH: I know that zebra part was racist but I really took no offense to it.