My name is Quick Draw. I'm an assassin. Most ponies exaggerate our profession. We aren't all fucking ninjas, we ARE stealthy however. I just don't see myself scaling massive buildings anytime soon. In any case we are the kind of people who get in, get out, and leave no evidence. Right now my latest employer is sending me to one of the major Equestrian cities, ponyville, where I'm supposed to eliminate some pony going by the name of Time Turner. I could care less about why I have to kill him just that I need to or I don't get paid for my services. Finally I'm about to get to ponyville and get out of this damn carriage.
"Alright here's your stop sir, now if you'll kindly pay, you can go on your way." That's the one of the ponies pulling this dinky little carriage. So I guess I'll pay up these poor bastards and get my saddle bag with my weapon of choice, a crossbow. And a few knives in case things get up close and personal. Also I've got what I hope is an accurate sketch of my target.
So this is ponyville. It's a little too colorful for my taste but comfort zones weren't exactly in the job description so I'll just have to get used to it. The town is definitely busy. Good. More people to blend in with. All the ponies seem very happy and unworried. Hm, one seems particularly happy. A mare? "Whoa! Whoa! Look out!" I barely managed to get that out before I got a face full of pink mane.
"Oopsy! Didn't slow down in time!" Wait, this mare was INTENTIONALLY running straight in to me? What the fuck. "And who might you be?" I might as well get to know the person who almost killed me. "I'm Pinkie Pie! I know everypony in town but I don't know you so I ran over here to meet you because if I don't know you that means youre not from here which means I NEED to know you so I can throw you a PARTY!!" Does this mare ever shut up?! I enter town and two seconds later I'm suddenly being thrown a party? What kind of crazy-ass town is this? "Okay then... do you know where I can find an inn?" Always important to find a place to stay, right?
"Oh! Oh! I know! The place I work at is an inn!!! You can stay there at Sugar Cube Corner!" Oh sweet Celestia she can't be serious, I can hardly stand this pony! "Is there anywhere else I can stay?" Please say yes please say yes. "Hmmmmmm, not that I can think of." GOD DAMMIT!!! "Fine, show me where this place is."
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Alright so Sugar Cube Corner is quite possibly the most annoyingly colorful place I've ever been to, and the trip over was no picnic with that pink pony talking my fucking ear off the entire time. Once again comfort zones weren't part of the job description so I guess I'll just have to get over it. The owners (who I think are called the cakes) seem nice enough though. I just got shown to my room so I guess I'll go have a look around town.
Ponyville is very active with so much to look at, even with someone like me this place seems at least somewhat of a nice place to be at. I wish I could live somewhere like this, instead I get dirty old manehatten. Never really liked the place. Too bad this mission is only temporary. Something seems off though, not as many ponies are in the streets as when I came, what the hell happened? I guess I'll find out later when I can ask somepony. Preferably not pinkie pie. Well, I might as well go back.
I hear hushed noises coming from inside the place. What could possibly be going on?! "SURPRISE!!!!" I take it back, I fucking hate this town. I didn't think Pinkie Pie or whatever the hell her name is would actually throw me a party. And yet she did, and I was forced to participate. "So why'd you throw me a party?!" I had to shout over the music to make my question heard. "I told you silly! You're new!" Why the hell does that mean I get a party?!
"What's that got to do with anything?" Might as well know why it's relevant. "'Cause a party is the best way to meet new people!" That makes sense I guess. "Though I'm kind of disappointed you didn't get to meet my five best-est of best friends." Yeah, well I'm not. "So what brings you to ponyville?" Well snoopy McNosyhooves. "Business, why?" It's not a lie at least. "Ooh, what kind of business." Really? "Business that I'd rather not talk about with a stranger." Now may I go to my room? "So what sort of things do you do for fun?" I have no fucking clue. "I guess chess is alright." Please get bored. "Chess is fun!!!" Is there no way to escape her?! "Alright, I guess I'm gonna hit the hay." And now she's laughing hysterically. "It's funny 'cause we eat hay!" I'll take that as an opportunity to go to bed, time for some shut eye, finally.
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Well, it's a fine morning considering I'm in a giant gingerbread house of an inn. Time to go outside and- "ouch!" Dammit who did I run in to this time?
Chapter 1-I keep on running in to ponies!
"Oh no! I'm so sorry sir! I didn't mean to run in to you." What is it with these ponies and running in to each other? "That's alright. Uh, who might you be?" Hmph. If this keeps happening then I'll never get my job done. "Oh. Um... I-I'm Fluttershy..." Fitting name for a pony like this, I swear it's like she'd die of fright just by a bird chirping. "Well then, I'm Quick Draw nice to meet you." Good, now I can be on my way and get to finding out about my target. "Um, mister Quick Draw? Do you think you could help me?" Why in the world should I help this pony? She looks capable enough. You know, besides the fear problem. "What do you need my help?" Why the hell did I just agree to help? "Oh! You'll help? Thank goodness, I really need someone to help me carry this to my cottage." Please tell me it's not far. I've got proorities dammit! I can't just socialize with every pony I run in to! "Alright I'll help. But let's make it quick, I have... errands to run." Okay, now she knows I'm in a hurry, maybe we can actually get this done.
I wonder what's in the package. "So what is this thing I'm lugging around on my back?" It ways a ton, no wonder this pony couldn't carry it. "Oh, it's just a little food for the animals." Great. I fucking hate animals almost as much as they hate me. "Are we almost there?" Please say yes, I think my vertebrae are snapping. "We're almost there, I promise." Weird, this pony seems nicer than the others, I wonder what her deal is. "So why do you like animals so much but not other ponies." She seems very secluded. "I like animals because they like me, ponies generally are kind of mean." Really? This seems like one of the nicest places in Equestria, also what pony would want to harm someone so fragile? Whatever, it's not my business and I don't really care.
"Alright, I'm assuming the giant tree is your cottage?" It seems pretty obvious but I might as well ask anyways. "Yes, it's where all my little animal friends live too." Now may I go? Please? "Well? Is there anything else I need to help with?" Why do I feel compelled to help this Pegasus? "Oh, if you could just carry that inside that would be okay." Thank celestia.
"Here's your package, and if that's all I'll just go and- OH MY GOD!!!" There's a huge ass snake rubbing up against my leg, what the hell! "Oh! It seems you've found yourself a friend! If you would like you can keep him. He seems very happy." Well the little guy doesn't look like he plans on leaving any time soon so what's the harm? How ironic, an assassin just befriended an assassin. "Alright, I'll keep him. I'll see you later then Fluttershy." Finally back to my mission.
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Well that was an interesting recon mission. I got information, but I also had snake resting on my back. In all honesty I kind of like the little guy, he has an intelligent look on him. Time to go back to Sugarcube Corner and hopefully rest for a while. I'll just have to find a way to get past pinkie. I just want to go rest, and sharpen some of my knives. "Whoa! Watch where you're going." And, once again, I'm knocked face first in to the ground. Do I need to keep a fucking shit list of ponies who run in to me?!