To Serve Bronies

Chapters

Visitors in Everfree
Monster Hunting and Pastry Shopping
Guest in the Barn
Dumplings with Ponies and Chocolates Alone
Scooting Towards Disaster and Raise This Chicken Coop
A Taste of Humanity
Magic Kindergarten
Up Late With Applejack
An Important Cake Delivery
Good Morning Ponyville
Pickle Juice and Quail Eggs
Unconfirmed Party Clown Status
Research is Hungry Work
Fluttershy's Fishy Business
Fullness and Hunger
Fascinating Experimentation
Humans and Nature
Killing Frost and Naked Contemplation
The Hunt, The Costume, and the Numbing
Core Sample and Finger Food
Nervous Dragons and Shy Humans
Twilight's Amazing Spell
Falling Out Among Non-Friends
Falling Shy and Uroc Bones
Warm Straw and Cold Fries
Fresh Fish
Nandi Bear and Irish Coffee
Elders and a Diaper
A Human in the Hand and One in the Bush
Self Control and Curry
Thick Liquor and Lyra Feeds
Whipped Cream Makeup and Cinnamon Styx
Dragon Meats
Icing on the Cake
The Fireworks Start
Chapter 41
Chapter 42
Chapter 43
Chapter 44
Chapter 45
Chapter 46
Chapter 47
Chapter 48
Chapter 49
Chapter 50
Chapter 51
Chapter 52
Chapter 53
Chapter 54
Chapter 55
Chapter 56
Chapter 57
Chapter 58
Journey's End
HopeStar Night
Conflicted Dragon and Personal Questions
Right Lesson, Wrong Time
Party Plans and Physical Impossiblity
Stranger at the Door and Chilling at the Party

Visitors in Everfree

Applejack waved to Zecora. "Hope ah got the spicy peanut stew right."

"Worry not, friend Applejack. Just one sniff takes me right back. Though I love adventure, wherever I roam, I always enjoy a taste of home."

"Thanks for the phantasm-flower seeds," Applejack said. "Winona can't keep the field covered, and it's good to have something strong to scare wild jackalopes out of mah carrot patch."

"Don't forget to ask Twilight about those mystic disturbances last night. It may just be the forest's background magic, but it could prove something more dire and tragic."

"Don't you worry yer pretty head about it," Applejack called over her shoulder.

Applejack hitched up her saddlebags and galloped along the winding path through the Everfree forest. A stiff breeze kicked up from nowhere, whipping her face with thorny branches, howling like a creature in pain, and parting the canopy to show clouds racing across the sky.

Applejack shuddered. She'd visited Zecora a few times this month to exchange seeds and recipes. She'd gotten used to the self-reliant animals, the menacing timber wolves, and the creepy twisty vegetation of the Everfree forest, but she'd never feel comfortable with the clouds. Bags of water vapor and light couldn't think, feel, or grow, so why did they move on their own? It was like watching furniture building a nest, or disembodied limbs running around.

As Applejack moved further along the weed-choked trail, she heard it again. This wasn't the wind. This was a creature screaming in fear. The twisting warble and cracking notes suggested something on the edge of madness. There were other notes in the howling wind: a sound like whetstones on scythes and long tinny rattles.

It was drawing closer, and the patch of forest right before the path reached ponyville was very cramped and narrow. Applejack trotted up to a spot where the path curled around a rock formation and ducked beyond the grey sheet of slate, peering out through a narrow gap. She reached her tail into her back and pulled out an iron axe. Most of the nastier creatures in the Everfree could outrun an earth pony. It was best to meet them on her own terms.

Applejack slowed her breathing and chewed a bit of cud. She sharpened her axe against a chunk of flint. The phantasm flower was a psychoactive hallucinogen as well as an illusion herb. One sniff of this would leave any silly critter running for its life and jumping at shadows. She'd have to explain to Applebloom that this was no time to try out for an herbalist or plant-taste-tester cutie mark.

The metallic cacophony drew closer. Applejack raised her weapon and braced herself for a fight. The screams broke off in faint gasps. She recognized the pattern as the sounds of somepony too scared or out of breath to keep screaming.

The eighth-strangest creature she'd ever seen bounded out of the woods with a wounded timber wolf pup clutched in its front le-, no, its arms. It staggered across the ground on two long legs without a tail to balance them. It wore clothes. The exposed skin was hairless, aside from a thick mass on the top of its head. It wasn't a deformed dragon, or a shaved minotaur, or a tail-less ahuizotl. It didn't look like a diamond dog. What it did look like was a crazed, panicking creature in need of help.

A stink of sulfur and cabbage filled the air. Applejack nearly fertilized the soil as she heard the high metallic hissing and the bronze rattles clanging out. That could only be a pack of copperheads approaching.

Zecora had told her in no uncertain terms never to eat a phantasm flower. Contact with salivary glands would set off the mind-bending chemicals and leave anypony, or any jackalope, screaming at non-existent spiders and running from their own shadow in a short time. It was the active ingredient in that fancy green powder she used in the spectacles that accompanied her story of Nightmare Moon.

Despite this warning, Applejack took a few buds out of her pack, like this, popped them in her mouth, and chewed them. Her tongue started going numb and a ringing built up in her ears. She focused her thoughts on the tales of Rikki-Tikki-Tavi by Rudyard Clopping.

The metal-plated snakes wriggled through the air, dripping venom and spitting tongues of green fire. Dappled sunlight glinted off their armor scales. One bite would have a grown colt moving at half-speed and gasping for breath in minutes. Untreated, it would paralyze them in a dozen minutes more. Then the serpents would descend on the helpless prey, like flames on dry leaves. The clouds rumbled like sinister laughter.

Applejack visualized the great mongoose rearing up, drew in a thick wad of phlegm, and spat the wad of petals at the snakes. The petals sizzled and green dust rose up from them. The dust billowed into a three-story-tall mongoose with eyes of flame.

The snakes skidded in midair and whipped around. Most of them dove into holes or fled through the underbrush. One managed to duck under the wavering specter. Applejack hopped up onto the rocks, then brought down her axe on its burnished metal head. Blood and oil splashed her hooves.

"Don't ya'll wanna stay for lunch? " she snarled into the forest. She was answered by squawking birds and the noise of hurried retreats by other predators.

She turned around to see the creature collapsed on the ground, blood running from its nose, still cradling the young timber wolf in its arms. Its skin smelled of dried out sweat, and from the angle of those limbs it had started seizing up with muscle cramps. This critter was damn near dead from exhaustion.

Little red flames danced on the edge of its skin, and a flashing green light lit up a metal object on its wrist. That was probably just the phantasm flower kicking in, like the sense of ants crawling under her skin, and the hollow laughter coming from the evil skull-shaped clouds.

Applejack bit her lip and slowed her breath, fighting back the waves of delirium and nausea. The creature turned its narrow bloodshot eyes on her and croaked out something like speech.

"I think I'm going insane. Doctor, can you help me? I just wanted to save it. Why are puppies green? This isn't the meadowlands exposition center."

Applejack flinched back, but she took another steadying breath. Most clothes-wearing creatures could talk, but this might be another hallucination. Either way, she couldn't leave it here.

"Saddle up partner, it's gonna be a bumpy ride."

Monster Hunting and Pastry Shopping

Scootaloo checked her tool belt. The hay knife, water flask, glowstick, ball of twine, and emergency whistle were all in place.

“Day one, hour one: the patch of forest on the edge of my house is quiet. Possibly too quiet.”

She flipped down the pair of “night vision” goggles over her eyes. (Technically they were a pair of liberated green cider-bottle halves with shed glowworm skins in them.) She lowered the rope out of her bedroom window and dropped onto her camo-painted all-terrain scooter.

The other crusaders wanted to try their hooves at becoming Monster Hunters too, but Sweetie Belle started Magic Kindergarten today and Apple Bloom was busy trying to keep a lid on the wild jackalopes. Babs, of course, was busy with Street Urchin and Sad Angel in Manehatten.

That was okay. Even though she’d be slow to admit it, she liked getting some time away from her friends. She pumped her wings, kicked off, and glided down the backyard to the edge of the Everfree.

Scootaloo sat down, stared into the twisted brambles and dark shadows of the unholy forest, and waited.

She continued waiting for a while. She thought she spotted a parasprite, but it turned out to just be a dragonfly. Apparently they got that name because they were good food for baby dragons. She contemplated catching it as a present for Spike, but it had already flown off. She sighed. Why did horrible monsters like cockatrices with abandonment issues, ravening hydras, and three-headed dogs only show up when she wasn’t ready for them?

Scootaloo pawed the ground and fluttered with impatience.

A flock of greenjays burst into the air. A sound like thunder rumbled through the valley, followed by silence. The little filly perked up.

A howling biped crashed into the clearing. Scootaloo’s heart pounded in her throat as the mad beast lunged towards her. Its body was almost covered in metal-studded shiny black material. Its mane was short and black with streaks of blue. Its eyes and pupils were very small, and set a little too close together, while its nose was pointed and tiny. It had a regular horn and ears, which seemed a bit out of place on its body. It was also waving a timber wolf’s severed leg. Its mouth had the sharp teeth of a predator, and she smelled blood on it.

Scootaloo backed up, drew her blade, and decided on a surprise assault.

“Buck off, pony-eating freak!” She screamed, lunging at it with a leaping kick. Her hoof crashed into its soft stomach, and the creature staggered back.

“Ow!” it screamed. “What the hell, Scootaloo? What did you do that for?”

Scootaloo froze. “Monsters from the Everfree Forest know my name?”

The creature froze and lowered the still-twitching limb. “Scootaloo. You’re Scootaloo? You’re a pegasus!”

Its pupils widened. “Of course. The manticore, the timber wolves…I’m dead, right? I just died and the virgin Mary or Dionysus or somebody in the celestial bureaucracy was feeling very generous and decided to give me an undeserved leg up? Or maybe the exploding light hit me, and this is some illusion from my dying brain as the molten glass fries my nerve endings?”

She reached out and gingerly touched Scootaloo’s wing. She squealed. “You’re real! Are you real?”

Scootaloo nodded. “Um, I’m real, and you don’t smell like a zombie to me.” Ravening monsters weren’t supposed to be more confused and freaked out by her than she was by them.

The unmistakable howl of two Alpha timber wolves echoed through the clearing. A one-eyed manticore fluttered just above the treeline, nursing a broken paw.

“Um, this is really amazing and all, and I’d love to have a pet monster, but maybe we should go inside to talk about it. Like, now.”

“I’ll have two dozen rainbow-frosted croissants, and a triple-tiered carrot cake, and four of your party sampler specials,” Rarity said. “Ooh, and that twenty-pound chocolate bar looks delicious.”

“Holy fried dough, Rarity, you must be having a big party,” Mrs Cake whistled. “Are your folks coming back for a family reunion or something?”

“Oh no, I’m just utterly famished,” Rarity laughed, blushing a little and waving away the notion with her front right hoof. “You know how peckish unicorns get after a fast. I expect I won’t be able to turn down a free lunch for weeks to come.” She whipped out a monogrammed silk handkerchief and wiped drool off the glass case and her chin. Her stomach snarled like an angry red dragon.

Mrs Cake trotted behind the counter and pulled out a small cart to load up with Rarity’s overambitious order.

“What’s the hold u--hiya Rarity!” Spike said, his voice cracking as he shifted verbal gears. He swept his crest back and offered a low bow. “Come around her often?” he said in a falsely casual tone.

“Only when I need to make some emergency edible boots,” Rarity said, eyes still focused on the cascade of sparkling confectionaries. “It’s too bad you couldn’t take part in Twilight’s Hopestar Seige celebration. I learned some fascinating things about ancient unicorn delicacies.” She levitated out two more handkerchief’s to mop the fog of her breath off the glass. “History is so romantic.”

Spike’s spines perked up and his eyes widened. “Oh? Really? What did you find out?”

“Well, Princess Platinum won the hearts of her seven barbarian mates by catching a ‘two-legged deer’ and serving it up for dinner. It was a kind of clever, bipedial, omnivorous monster from the dawn of ponydom that went extinct just before the founding of Equestria.”

Spike’s slit pupils widened. He folded his claws together and thumped his tail. “You’re saying that one of these deers was enough to make proud unicorns fall in love with her?” His tail drooped and he frowned. “Wait, unicorns eat deers?”

“Oh no, Spike, two-legged deer is just a euphemism. These animals weren’t even ungulates, and they didn’t play any useful role the way cows and sheep do.” She laughed and patted him with her tail. Spike’s heart skipped a few beats and he struggled to stay upright. “Don’t worry Spikey-wikey, I’m not a monster.”

“Well, duh. I know that!" Spike forced out a chuckle. He looked around and leaned in close. This could be his big chance.

"Out of curiousity, where did you read about these not-deers?” Spike said, shifting his feet nervously.

“Pages thirty-nine to forty-five of Princeff Platinum'f Booke of Royale Recipef for Fpeciale Celebrationf. It’s nice to find somebody else with a passion for pre-Celestia history.”

Spike grinned and nodded. “That’s me, Mister Passionate.”

Rarity nodded, but then bolted after the groaning cart piled with one quarter of her weight in chocolates, pastries, and candy.

Spike sighed.

“Sooo, what brings my favorite baby dragon to my favorite place to serve sweets?” Pinkie Pie asked, popping up as if by magic. "Do you want some edible-gold dust colored candy castles, or a sapphire cupcake, or some fresh-out-of-the-oven gingerbread humans?"

“Oh,” he said, rubbing the hearts from his eyes. “I just wondered if you could fix up a gem cake for me.”

“Okey-Dokey Loki,” Pinkie Pie said. “I’ll have to--“

“I’ve got most of the ingredients,” Spike said, handing over a vat of batter and a recipe book. “You just need to add the gems and cook it.”

“Golly-wolly Saint Martin’s Folly, why do you need us if you’ve got everything here?” Pinkie Pie asked, tilting her head upside-down.

“Don’t ask,” Spike groaned, “It’s just too painful.”

“Well, the customer is always right!” Pinkie said.

“Hmm, two-legged deer,” Spike mused. He licked his eyeballs and cackled sinisterly.

“And try not to cackle so sinisterly,” Pinkie Pie said. “Evil laughter is really bad for the mocha soufflé.”

Guest in the Barn

Applejack gulped down a mug of willow bark tea and cricked her neck. By the time she'd shifted the load to Big Mac, she'd been seeing cabbages shaped like Princess Luna and horrible dancing teeth, and spiders had started a party under her skin. Big Mac had told her he'd barely been able to restrain her until the second bad trip passed. She left the picnic table, trotted over, and nudged open the barn door.

“What time is it?” the creature groaned. It shook its head and rubbed his eyes. “Where am I?”

“It's a quarter past, and you’re in my barn. Relax. You’re safe now, and I dropped off the timber wolf cub with its parents.” Applejack spoke in the level tone she used on startled cattle.

“No!” The thing shouted. It jerked into a sitting position and grabbed the wall for support. “I’ve got to catch—I need to make…my train leaves soon.” The creature balanced itself on two trembling legs and panted. It stared at Applejack.

“Easy there,” Applejack said, backing up a little and resting her tail against a hammer. “Somehow I reckon you’re not talking about the Friendship Express.”

The creature pinched its arm. “I think I’m not in New Jersey anymore, Toto,” it said.

“Toto? I’m Applejack,” she said slowly. This creature wasn’t making sense. “How’d you get all the way her from Neigh Jersey?”

The creature bit it’s lip and burst out laughing. “Hi Applejack, I’m Jamal Freeman!”

“Did I say something funny?” Applejack said. She gripped the hammer firmly and tried not to rear up.

“You’re Applejack!” the thing gasped between bursts of hysteria. “This is Sweet Apple Acres, and I’m on the farm with Applejack and Apple Bloom and Big Mac and Granny Smith!”

Applejack lifted her hammer and snorted. “Jess how d’you know all ‘bout my family, Jamal Freeman who just popped in from Neigh Jersey by way of the Celestia-damned Everfree Forest?” Most of the things that came out of the Everfree Forest were hostile. This could be some sort of deformed changeling, or a stunted diamond dog, but she didn’t like the idea of any two-legged freak prowling around unseen after her sister. “I’m pretty sure they’d tell me if they crossed paths with somebody like yerself. “

Jamal Freeman waved his claws in front of himself. “They wouldn’t have mentioned me. I’ve just heard of them, I haven’t met anyone here. I’ve never been here before.” He choked up a little. “It’s okay, I’m a dad,” he murmured. “I’m not a threat.” His voice cracked. “I’m just…lost. Very very lost.”

Applejack tilted her head to one side, then another. He didn’t look ready to bolt or attack. Those stubby claws wouldn’t be able to cut butter, much less break skin. His fangs were pretty tiny, and he couldn’t move too fast on those two awkward legs.

“Why don’t you sit down for a sec, I’ll bring ya something to drink, and you can start over from the beginning.”

Jamal Freeman nodded and collapsed onto the bales of hay. Applejack fetched him some watered-down hard cider. He drank it very slowly and sighed.

“Thank you,” he said.

“Least I could do,” Applejack said. “Now, if you feel up to it, could you tell me how you got here, where you’re from, and what you are?”

He nodded and rubbed his mouth. “You’ve seen plays, right?”

Dumplings with Ponies and Chocolates Alone

"--but ya'll definitely don't get to see any of us usin' the lil fillies room, right?" Applejack said.

It had been a long, long talk.

The human nodded emphatically and polished off the last crumbs of his apple dumpling. “Nothing gross like that. The closest it ever got was a shot of Pinkie Pie going into an outhouse.”

Applejack frowned at Jamal the "human". There was a little twitch around his lips, but none of the false heartiness or shiftiness she’d expect from somepony-from somebody shoveling this huge a load of horse apples. Still it was all a lot to take in, and most of it sounded beyond belief.

“But ya’ll didn’t see me at the races, or find out why I left ponyville until my friends caught up t’ me?” Twilight Sparkle had told her something about scrying magic during the sleepover with Rarity, but the unicorns got off on a thaumaturgical tangent and she'd lost interest. Either the spell was fixed to a particular place, or fixed to a single person. But from everything he said, humans didn’t really have magic, at least not the predictable, instant-result kind. Trustworthy or not, the whole story didn’t add up.

“Pardon me if ah take all this with a lick a’ salt,” Applejack said, “but none of this tall Pinkie tale explains how you got here.”
Jamal opened his mouth, frowned, and shook his head.

“You’re right. I’ve been trying so hard just to process that I’m here and figure out if it’s real that I haven’t even asked myself how I got here. I just remember everyone rushing around because John De Lancie was missing, and opening something that I thought was the bathroom door, only a second later I realized it wasn’t and then…singing. Like, a sort of star singing in my bones.” He shook his head. “That doesn’t make any sense.”

“Fraid not,” Applejack replied. Maybe whatever happened had fried his noggin good, or maybe it had been a little crispy to start with. She cleared her throat. “Right before this thing happened, did you happen to eat any strange mushrooms, phantasm flowers, or pet medication? Only, I remember one time Big Mac got his back pain pills mixed up with Winona’s deworming tablets, and he started wearing clothes all the time and declared himself the empress of Cloudsdale.” She frowned. “Did ya’ll see that on your color-lantern machine too?”

“This is the machine you don’t believe exists, right?” said Jamal. His lip peeled back to show those little fangs. “No offense.”

Applejack snorted. “I just want to get your story straight. I can’t help if it’s harder to follow than a drunken displacer beast.”

Jamal looked really angry for a moment. “I don’t use illegal drugs of any kind. Ever. I don’t eat mushrooms that aren’t safe for an omelette, or snort or shoot up anything. It’s kind of a sensitive subject with me.”

“Whoa there,” Applejack said. “I didn’t say nothin’ bout anything illegal.” That was the frustrating thing about humans. You’d go along talking easy as anything, and then something innocent you say would strike a nerve. “What did you think I was implyin, that you’d steal a little old lady’s glaucoma medicine?”

Jamal shook his head and pushed his hay fries around on the plate. They were growing cold but he hadn’t touched them, or the daisy cakes. “They’ve got some different laws in New Jersey.”

A silence stretched out a little. She wasn’t good at reading human body language, but something in the smell of his sweat and the weak little motions suggested old fear. She decided not to push the issue.

“You’ve uh, hardly touched your hay fries,” Applejack said.

Jamal pushed his plate over. Aside from the dumplings and the Welsh Rarebit, he hadn’t touched any of the food. Maybe he felt more upset than he was letting on?

“I’m sure you’re cooking’s great,” Jamal said hastily. “I mean, the dumplings were fantastic, and I’ve never had that cheese-toast stuff before, but humans can’t eat most of that pony food.”

“Oh yeah?” Applejack said. “You mean ya’ll don’t farm vegetables?” She felt intrigued in spite of herself.

“Well we grow most of them,” he said. “Corn, carrots, peas, all the fruits and stuff, but we can’t digest grass. Most of our food is made of grain or me-meal. Oatmeal and things like that. But not raw oats.” He blinked seven times and covered his mouth.

Applejack let the evasion pass. Whatever the embarrassing secret was, he’d come clean with it eventually. “Well, it’s been an interesting chat, but the new chicken coop isn’t going to build itself. You can help yourself to some carrots if you’re still hungry, and maybe have a chat with Granny Smith. She’d appreciate the company. Just uh, wait until she’s in a good mood. She still gets a might skittish around Everfree crea-characters.”

Applejack nosed open the kitchen door. Wherever that human came from, and however it knew way too many things about her and her friends, practical concerns came first.

She’d barely gotten four steps away before Jamal caught up on his improbably agile legs. “There’s something I just have to know. Um, before you leave me alone.”

He bit his tongue and took a few deep breaths. Applejack raised an eyebrow and waited.

“Why do you have a southern accent?” he spat the question out.

“You mean your ‘world’ doesn’t have north and south?” Applejack asked. The sun that stayed still and the moon that whizzed around all on its own were hard enough to swallow. She strained to keep a smile off her face.

“Oh, they do. I just,” he frowned. He took out an odd shiny little object, covered in pink paint and glitter, with the intials “C F” painted in wobbly letters of purple. A tiny pin in a water-filled case spun around like a levitating pinwheel before settling on a neat little “N.” He hastily shoved the object back in his pocket and rubbed his eye.

“Do you think I could help out? With the building I mean?” There was a note of pleading in his voice. “I mean, I need to repay you for all your hospitality.”

“Hospitality don’t need payin,” Applejack said firmly.

“I insist,” he said, with an eager smile.

Applejack groaned. Sweet Celestia’s saddle, this is gonna be like Spike’s dragon code all over again.

Spike struggled to contain his excitement as he tugged the bell-pull for the third-floor apartment. This would be more romantic than an igloo made of ice cream. This would be better than a fire opal. This would be-

An indigo and fuschia-maned earth pony trotted down the stairs. "Can I help you?"

"Uh, I'm looking for Ms. Heartstrings?" Spike said.

"I'm afraid you just missed her," the earth pony neighed. "She went out with a bunch of books and gem-lined traps. She said she's off to track down 'the most dangerous game' and said something about 'think like the quarry', but something about the way she laughed and rubbed her front legs together makes me think it isn't competitive lava-skating."

Spike slumped. "I don't suppose she left any of her library books behind?"

"I'm sorry," she said. "Maybe some free cherry liqueurs will cheer you up." She shoved a huge box into his hands and he stumbled out of the building.

Spike frowned. "So much for that plan." At least he got some chocolate out of the deal.

He popped one of the candies into his mouth before remembering that he hated cherry-flavored things, and one sip of cider on Nightmare Night had been enough to make him gag. Maybe he should give them away to somebody else. Rarity liked chocolates.

He turned down the street and headed for the boutique. Yeah, I bet chocolate tastes really great after extra-rare human. He resisted the urge to drop-kick the chocolate box. Maybe Sweetie Belle would like it. She kept doing weird stuff, like asking him to tea parties, baking quartz-cakes for him (he hadn't even known you could burn quartz), and singing beautiful-sounding but badly-written songs about how the morning sunlight glistened off his scales. It was almost like she wanted something from him. Maybe a little chocolate would get her off his back for a while, so he could figure out another way to win over Rarity.

What did he have to do to get her to love him? Honestly, why did Rarity have to be such a stupid, ungrateful high horse to him?

Spike stopped in his tracks. He rubbed his ears and looked around, but there was nopony near him.

"Did I think that?" Spike asked. A passing Pegasus stared at him, but nopony answered his question. He pinched himself and shook his head.

He walked a little further. He was the stupid one, to think that he could catch a rare mythical beast and win over her heart.

"It wouldn't have worked anyway," he said, stamping along the broad paved road. Even if he had read the books and set up the traps, he'd probably catch his own tongue instead of a two-legged deer. Besides, Rarity could probably track down a wild creature faster in her streamlined whisper-thin camouflage. She'd outsmarted the Diamond Dogs after all.

Opal crossed his path, nuzzling up against a grey stray.

"What are you so happy about?" Spike yelled. The alley-cat cringed, but Opal just gave him a haughty glare and strode on.

He tried not to imagine Rarity nuzzling up to him that way. He tried not to imagine wrapping his arms around her, kissing her smooth lips, rubbing his face against her soft white fur, on top of a mountain, or on the bridge of a dirigible, or in front of an ocean sunset. His imagination faltered there. He felt the vague sense that something else was supposed to happen after that, but couldn't figure out what. Maybe they would kiss a lot and eat ice cream, or bounce on the bed, or build a fort?
Spike sighed. In a way, he felt relieved that the decision had been taken out of his hands. He brightened up. Twilight Sparkle would probably need somebody to carry trapping supplies and rations for her while she hunted the two-legged deer. He could still be a number-one assistant, and it would almost be as good as bringing one to her all by himself.
He just had to drop off these chocolates first. Maybe Rarity would be impressed by his generosity to her little sister.

Scooting Towards Disaster and Raise This Chicken Coop

"So, nopony's going to notice you tugging along a human-sized cloud?" Reiko whispered.

Scootaloo braked her scooter and ducked her head inside the column of mist. "Everypony around here is used to the crusaders doing random things. To be honest, most ponies just keep out of the way, especially since Mayor Mare passed the ordinance forbidding us from coming within three-hundred feet of fireworks and outlawing retro-phrenology."

Double Entry galloped to the other side of the road to avoid Scootaloo. She waved at him and grinned sheepishly. Her parents had sent out apologetic fruit baskets and burn cream after the Cutie Mark Crusader Charter Accountants incident.

"I wonder why your other adventures didn't make it in to the show," Reiko sighed. "Then again, I guess G-rated television can't show the Cutie Mark Crusader Animal Husbandry or Cutie Mark Crusader Demon Summoners."

"Don't you start lecturing me about that," Scootaloo said. "We only used three cups of blood from willing donors, it was only from the second circle of Tartarus, and Pinkie Pie ate it before it did any real damage. My parents grounded me for a week and confiscated all my chalk."

Blossomforth spotted her coming and dived up a rain chute. Cheerilee just waved to her.

"My parents confiscated my razor cell phone, my recycled paper sketchbook, and the planned parenthood pamphlet," Reiko said.

"I still don't know what any of those things are," Scootaloo reminded her.

The cloud was silent for a while. Scootaloo blew a raspberry and fanned more moisture into it to keep it firm. "Can't I just drop the disguise for a bit?"

"The whole town went into a panic because a black-and-white horse visited town to buy herbs. I don't want to see what the flower trio do when a bipedal omnivore from another world shows up."

Scootaloo felt like Reiko was having a conversation with a third person. It was kind of like asking mother what she did in Canterlot during the changeling attack, and how long it had taken her to realize she'd met up with imposters after they'd been separated.

Scootaloo turned up the narrow slate path towards New Dream Valley. Magic schools were always set in quiet, out-of-the-way places so the unicorns could concentrate more easily. She sped down identical rows of rowan, ash, and willow trees. Star flowers tilted their faintly glowing buds away from the sun. Aside from the flutter of her wings, the spinning wheels of her scooter and the cloud-covered wagon behind it, and an off-key whippoorwill, nothing disturbed the silence.

"Your really cleaned yourself up there at the clubhouse," Scootaloo said. "We could have used somepony, sorry, somebody like you when we tried out for our Farm Equipment Juggling cutie marks, or the seven-eyed crab training cutie marks."

"I'm good at treating cuts in hard-to-reach places," Reiko said. Her voice was quieter and rougher. "Anyway, they were just flesh wounds." She chuckled.

Scootaloo spotted Rarity trotting up the next gentle slope. She was wearing something fancy-ish with yellow and green.

"Just the mare I was looking for. Hey, Rarity!" Scootaloo called. She stopped at the apex of the hill.

Rarity turned around.

"Scootaloo? Oh, Scootaloo, how are you?" Rarity sounded genuinely pleased to see her. She pulled down her sunglasses. "And, I realize I might regret asking this later, but why are you pulling a cloud in a wagon?"

Scootaloo whipped out a set of bongo drums. Diamond Tiara, Silver Spoon, and even her friends had laughed at her for carrying around bongo drums everywhere, but she knew that one day she'd have the perfect reason to perform an improvised drum roll.

"Rarity, allow me to introduce," she ramped up the crescendo, "your number one fan!"

Jamal screwed together the base of the coop without incident. There wasn’t any humorous, overly-literal misunderstanding about directions, or slapstick with dropped hammers, or things catching on fire.

“You understand the blueprints okay?” Applejack asked, unwilling to trust so much good luck.

“Now that you’ve explained the measurements, yeah,” he said.

Applejack picked up a post with her mouth and tilted it into place. Jamal steadied it and started hammering it in before she even asked.

He was certainly clever with tools. Those blunted claws gripped a nail like unicorn magic. Every time he lifted the hammer she braced for a yelp of pain, but the human had uncanny dexterity and coordination. They were much more agile together than a mouth and tail.

“I’m not doing this out of some code of obligations or life-debt. I just feel like lending a hand.”

She let go of the post as soon as he stabilized it.

“Beg pardon?”

“Sorry, it’s an expression, like lending a hoof.”

“So, did you see everythin goin’ on during the Running of the Leaves day?” The back of her neck went cold. She’d hate to ruin the reputation of those three frisky colts from Cloudsdale, especially since one of them was a priest.

“I already explained that,” Jamal said. Applejack reached down with her tail and gave him another nail. “Is there something in particular you’re thinking about?”

“So, is this what you got your cutie, I mean, is this what you do back in human-land?” Applejack asked, eager to maintain her element of harmony.

He paused with the hammer among the nail. “I used to. Still, I have to do something to put bread on the table, so I work at Taco Bell.”

Applejack was about to ask why they needed bread, but then remembered the grass comment. If human’s couldn’t digest most weeds, the food supplies would be pretty limited. Any human that wanted to feed a family would have to take a job, and those hairless pelts wouldn’t keep out cold wind or hot sun. There’d be no easy-going vagrants like Flower Child or Sweetstuff. She raised the next post into place.

Jamal didn’t talk much during work, and Applejack usually had her mouth full. He didn’t seem to need much instructing, and she learned quickly what his human body language anticipated. He didn’t try do everything for her, like Spike, or need constant direction, like Pinkie Pie. It was as easy and natural as raising a barn with Big Mac or Applebloom.

Jamal stretched out the screen across the side of the coop while Applejack positioned the nails. The staple-gun tool he’d talked about sounded pretty useful, and maybe she could get Twilight Sparkle or Violet Tinker to whip one up. Something about the shape of Jamal made her think about Applebloom. Something brought to mind bedtime, tucking in Applebloom, blowing out the candle, something starting with ‘M’.

She kicked in the nails and shook her head . It was gone now.

They finished up the chicken coop in no time at all. Applejack drew up a list of other things for him to build and mend, and he went off happy as a pig in an herbal mudbath while she took the remaining phantasm flower seeds out to Applebloom in the southern carrot field.

She sorted out a few more chores before she saw Jamal striding between the celery stalks towards her, carrying a pitcher of ice water. She unhooked herself from the plow and stuck her head in the pitcher, sucking it down before he even passed it over to her.

Applejack panted and belched. “Sorry ah forgot to leave some for you. It’s just the walnut ranchin’ really took it out of me.”

Jamal shook his head. “No, I got a drink already. I’ve just run out of things to do.”

Applejack goggled. “You’re pullin’ one a’ my legs.”

Jamal almost blushed. “I took a little break after I finished the barn repairs, but I’m through it all. It just feels so good to stretch out in the fresh air and get some real work done, you know?”

Applejack grinned. “Tell ya’ what, help me milk the cows and then I’ll take you inside for a few sips of my namesake.”

Jamal frowned. “What’s that?”

Applejack rolled her eyes. “Don’t tell me hard spirits are illegal in New Jersey too.”

“Oh no, I’ve just never heard of that drink before.” He shrugged. “I didn’t know ponies got drunk.”

Sooner or later we’ll hafta sort out a lot of assumptions, Applejack thought.

She couldn’t resist showing off the family farm as they trotted over to the stables. Evidently the lantern-machine didn’t show the rolling fields of barley or the succulent Anjou-pear tree. Jamal almost made her blush when he praised her stalks of heirloom tomatoes. When she plucked a ripe one for him to taste, he actually moaned.

“This is the juiciest, tastiest tomato I’ve ever tasted,” Jamal said. “I mean, there’s just not much flavor in the ones I’ve seen, and normally the only kind I can afford are the slices on a McDonald’s h-sandwich.”

“There must be a few things I could teach your human gardeners then,” Applejack said, trying and failing to keep the smugness out of her voice.

Daisy and Cornflower lifted their heads from the water trough.

“Good afternoon ladies! Ah just brought in some, er, new help today. Hope ya’ll don’t mind the change,” Applejack hollered.

“Just as long as he doesn’t have cold hooves,” Bluebell called out from inside the stables.

“Oh, I can’t wait!” Daisy said, batting her eyes at Jamal.

“Now then, Daisy, don’t scare him off,” Applejack chided. That heifer would get downright saucy if she didn’t keep things strictly business.

“I’ll start on the left, and you start on the right. Old Nelly won’t give you any trouble, and you’ll get the hang of it fast enough,” Applejack said. She turned to Jamal.

Jamal fainted.

A Taste of Humanity

Rarity opened her mouth to ask Scootaloo what she meant. The cloud parted. Her mouth stayed open as the question shriveled in her throat.

It was a strange creature in even stranger clothes. It smelled incredible. The awkward shape looked eerily familiar, but her attention focused on the outfit.

She couldn't help it. The outfit demanded attention. She'd never seen black so shiny. There were so many straps and spikes and studs. It had a hint of diamond dog aesthetic about the collar and belt, if such a vulgar description could be applied to this streamlined suit of venomous elegance. Touches of white and sparkling frost-blue provided some relief for the eye and silver studs added to the impression of stars in the void. The black jacket should have outlined every curve of the upper body, but instead it only obscured it. That left the obsidian slacks with subtle hints of midnight purple to settle tightly around rounded flank and wide thighs. Her inspection ended with silver boots that not even Applejack would dare to scuff, emblazoned on the side with Rarity's own cutie mark.

Rarity raised a hoof.

"Excuse me."

She summoned up her fainting couch and collapsed onto it. "Oh my Celestia, what…where did you get that ensemble? Do they make it for ponies?"

The creature seemed almost as surprised as her. It gaped and stammered. The creature rose to its two legs, unbalanced by any tail or wings, and then staggered backwards. It banged its leg on the wagon, then waved its arms wildly but managed not to fall over. It's taupe skin went a little pinker.

"Um, no. They don't make it for ponies. Rarity," its voice trailed off into an embarrassed squeak.

The creature's breathing increased. It hesitantly touched its mane. How had she failed to notice the mane? Spikes of emerald green shot out against blue-edged black, curling and twisting. It seemed physically impossible. She wanted to reach up and touch a hoof against it, but that might ruin the coiffure.

The silence stretched out. It was harder to recognize on the narrower features and ungainly body, but the creature seemed to be trembling with a combination of stage fright and bedazzled elation. Where did that material come from? It looked so form-fitting, yet pliant. Mind, it didn't look terribly breathable. The poor thing was sweating like racehorse. Instead of stink, the air filled with an aroma liked a royal dessert trolley.

"I'm so pleased to meet you, ah," Rarity said, extending a hoof, "What was your name?"

"Name?" The creature squeaked.

"This is Reiko Yakamoto, but she wants you to just call her Reiko. She's a brony from New Jersey." Scootaloo volunteered.

"Well, Ms. Reiko, I'm flattered to hear that word of my humble establishment has reached all the way to New Jersey." She hadn't even heard of that town. Where there more creatures like her there? Why would bipeds take an interest in equine fashions? And where was that tantalizing aroma wafting in from? "I'm honored and delighted to make your acquaintance," she said, pressing her hoof into Reiko's claw. "And in addition to your fantastic hair and lovely outfit, I must say that whatever perfume you're wearing is utterly ravishing."

Reiko gripped her hoof limply and tried to shake. Her almond eyes went out of focus and she started swaying.

"M-mind if I borrow that?" Reiko said, in a forced, casual tone.

Without further comment she went rigid as a board and toppled face-first into Rarity's fainting couch.

"I just landed on Rarity's drama couch! This is amazing," the creature mumbled.

"And, are there many fans of my fashions there?" Rarity said. Maybe the sun was getting to her. All that black would heat up fast. Rarity's stomach growled. Brunch seemed a very long time ago. "Maybe I could set up a mail-order service?" The creature's pants looked a little strained at the edges. Maybe it was the unusual position. She could certainly see why slacks hadn't really caught on in quadruped fashion circles.

"Oh, you can't mail-order there," Scootaloo said. "She's from a whole other world and she popped up in the Everfree forest, only there, they know about us because of a not-magic story box that showed them the time when Rainbow Dash saved you from plummeting to your death and-"

Scootaloo broke into a barely-coherent ramble about some machine, and the creatures of Earth, with many digressions about Rainbow Dash's personal history or the amazing exploits that had been left out of this "show." Rarity looked at the creature with incredulity.

Reiko rose out of the couch, wiping her face and rubbing her eyes, nodding at Scootaloo's comments and popping in to correct her. It was a bit hard to follow until she said the magic word.

"And there's like, over six billion humans there! Can you imagine it, lots of two-legged, tailless creatures that wear clothes almost all the time, ruling the world and living in buildings taller than Celestia's castle?" Scootaloo said, fluttering with excitement.

Rarity's stomach growled again. She wiped her handkerchief across her mouth. It was saturated with drool. Above all, she shouldn't act on instinct. Humans could be dangerous when threatened. Approach slowly and don't do anything to startle it.

"Oh, really? You're a human. Why darling, I had no idea there were still--that humans even existed." She trotted a few steps closer and hid behind her mane, in case the desperate need in her eyes showed up. She had to control herself. One couldn't win a hall of suitors with some gristle and soup bones. She needed patience and willpower. This wouldn't be a repeat of the incident on the friendship express with the Cake family's cake.

"Well, I didn't know unicorns existed until today," Reiko said. She laughed awkwardly, and her midsection jiggled like golden flan. That frame practically overflowed with good meat, especially around the haunch portions.

Rarity drew closer. "Do you mind if I, mm, just touch you a bit? To prove you're real?" She kept her voice soothing. It was the same tone that lulled Opal into a false sense of security before a tick bath.

"Sure, go ahead," Reiko said in a faraway voice.

Rarity poked the soft flesh. It wiggled, but there was a fair amount of tough muscle concealed under there. Oh well, it was still a prize find. Who would have thought that wishing on a star really worked?

"Um, c-c-could I..." the creature stammered and bit its lip. It adjusted its collar and wiped more sweat away from its face. "I mean, I really hope you don't think I'm being too forward, or embarrassing, or uncouth, and I'll totally understand if you say no, but, It's just," the voice cracked, squeaked, "I'd really like to--this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for me," it dwindled to a barely audible whisper, "may I hug you?"

Rarity laughed out loud. This was just too good to possibly be true. She prayed to Celestia that nothing would cause the human to take fright. "Why of course darling," she said, dialing up the charm. "How could I resist such a humble request?"

Scootaloo made a gagging sound. "Will you just pay me so I can get out of here?"

Reiko flinched and turned around. She looked embarrassed, and annoyed, and a bit ready to bolt. If it was a pony, the human would be rearing up right now.

"Right, sorry. I forgot." The human reached its backpack and tossed Scootaloo a necklace medallion, an articulated-joint doll, a pillowcase, and a translucent crystal-like object, all in the likeness of Rainbow Dash. Humans were really clever with tools, but the legends had never suggested this extent of skill. Rarity would have to ask Twilight Sparkle about it later.

"I'm just going off into these bushes to be really tough and stoic, and not play house with these," Scootaloo said loudly. She dived into the underbrush with her loot, leaving the wagon and scooter behind.

Rarity chuckled and the human laughed along with her.

"So, how about that hug?" Rarity said. She forced herself not to lick her lips.

The human hesitantly wrapped its claws around her. She reached up and rested her front legs on its shoulders and nuzzled its neck. The human blushed even more and shifted uncomfortably. Its breathing became fast and shallow. Careful Rarity, don't startle it. Find something to keep it engaged.

"My, what exotic earrings you have," Rarity said, sizing up the broad bright-green hoops in its lobes. "Do all two-legged humans have ears like that?"

"Well, they don't come with holes, and even when they get holes you have to work a while to make them that big," the creature babbled. "I'm really into body modification."

"Mm, darling, you smell absolutely divine," Rarity whispered, leaning in closer. The human turned very pink, and she could feel heat coming of its face. Nervousness and excitement distorted its expression. Sweat dropped off its brow onto her lips. She dabbed it away from her mouth, but not before tasting a zesty edge. It hinted of an amazing flavor.

"Oh dear, you seem a little nervous. Is everything okay?" Rarity cooed, levitating her handkerchief to wipe the human's brow. Keep it comfortable. Keep it from tensing up.

"Really. I could die happy now," the human sighed, squeezing her tighter.

"I simply must have a closer look at your earrings, " Rarity said, still in a soothing tone. Her own breath grew a little ragged with excitement, and the human squirmed a little as she panted into its ear.

Maybe she could afford just a little taste. It couldn't hurt. She had the quarry in her clutches right now. She wouldn't bite, she'd just sample it.

Rarity touched the very tip of her tongue against its earlobe. The taste rocketed down her spine.

It was sharp and zesty, savory and refined. It was like a very sharp aged Gouda, washed down with a sixty-year-old wine, and garnished with the daintiest sprigs of snowdrop buds and a hint of rose hip. If crème brulee became a little darker, and not so rich…

Descriptions of gourmet meals, real and imagined, flickered across Rarity's mind, but nothing could really come close. What it tasted like was two-legged deer, long pork, raw, human meat. It was the comfort food she never knew she'd been aching for. It was the lost favorite that she'd been missing and lamenting since the moment of her birth.

"This must be where the dream gets weird," the human mumbled, after a gasp and shudder. It didn't recoil or pull away.
Rarity's jaw wanted to unhinge and slide over the whole head. Her hooves wanted to shatter bones before it could run away. Her horn sizzled with the urge to transmute this creature into an array of mouth-sized bites as quickly as possible.
She breathed deep, clutched the human tight, and channeled all her powers of delicacy and restraint.

She couldn't resist closing her teeth on that little protruding bit of earlobe though.

The human's first impulse wasn't to run or fight back. It crammed its fist into its mouth to muffle a barely-audible howl of pain.

The blood that gushed into Rarity's mouth was richer than chocolate and tart as an almost-ripe pomegranate seed. The flesh invaded her taste buds with heartbreaking scrumptiousness. The texture pleased her even better. She furiously masticated the earlobe with a consistency approaching fine sautéed truffles. The human had started screaming and flailing in earnest, but Rarity could barely think or move. The transcendent culinary sensation overwhelmed her.

She recovered from the paralyzing delight as her stomachs roared for more. She looked up to see her banquet rolling away in Scootaloo's wagon. As soon as Rarity got to her feet, the human leapt into a tree. It swung forward, grabbed a branch and swung itself along with one claw, then repeated the stunt as it leapt to the next tree.

Rarity ran after it, but it had too much of a head start. Before she knew it the most delicious dish in Equestria had dived into the open window of Ponyville Magic Kindergarten.

Magic Kindergarten

"Alright my little ponies," Sour Pickle said in a grim, stern voice. The instructing nun from the Celestia's Church of Light Magic was a serious-faced pale-green no-nonsense unicorn. Her cutie mark was a ruler striking against an unprotected forleg. "Try to remember the three Cs of magic, and focus on a simple light spell or levitation. Nopony had better attempt anything fancy like magic missiles or apple-to-orange transmutation. No amount of show-off frills in the world will give you a chance if you can't manage your basics."

"Yes Ms. Pickle," Ruby Pinch chorused with the rest of the class. She wondered why Sour Pickle looked grumpy all the time. Was it because she never had any fun as a little filly, and so she thought other children shouldn't have fun? Maybe she got her love sucked out by a changeling with a straw! Or maybe she just needed a hug?"

"And don't you try exploring possible backstories for me. I've been dealing with rebellious inattentive children for a long time and I don't need to explain my behavior. Now, concentrate on your studies while I check up on the older grades. May Celestia bless your efforts."

"Thank you Ms. Pickle," the class chorused.

Ruby Pinch tried to imagine the lemon in front of her lifting up into the air. It was hard to focus on magic because Sour Pickle had made the remedial class sit keep sitting straight through lunch. By now even the sour little fruit looked delicious. Nothing happened, as usual. She visualized a pair of pale pink tendrils, felt the power flowing from her horn down to the lemon, and saw the air as a series of interconnected objects.

This time, she really did fill the power welling up inside her horn. She hummed the Paean to Our Divine Princess. Her horn pulsed. The magical potential vibrated inside her. She forced the lemon up towards the ceiling.

The lemon twitched. Then it turned into a lime.

"Uurrrgh, I'm sooo bored!" Ruby Pinch wailed. "I wish something would happen already!"

"Be quiet, I'm trying to concentrate!" Sweetie Belle squealed.

"Sssh!" Light Spinner hissed, causing his horn to lose it's dim flicker. "Now look what you made me do?"

Sweetie Belle opened her mouth to respond, looked around, then sighed. She closed her eyes and screwed up her face in an expression of either extreme concentration or failing toilet-training.

Ruby Pinch turned back to her lime. At least it was a result, which as better than nothing.

A distant scream disturbed her thoughts. She tried to concentrate on the lime again, but a loud thing smacked against the roof.

Ruby Pinch looked up. A crawling creature covered in shiny black clothes, full of metal spikes and studs, flipped open the skylight. Its face trembled with fear and pain. It dived in to crash against a pile of pillows.
"Rarity's a zombie!" It screamed.

Most of Ruby's classmates backed away from the blood-spurting monster with far more fear than they'd show to a zombie. Cyan Swirl and Daisy Chain actually screamed, while Bright Night burst into tears. Twilight Sparkle had given a lecture once explaining how, even if zombie ponies were real, they'd never spread fast enough to become an epidemic.

"My big sister is NOT a zombie!" Sweetie Belle said, her voice squeaking with anger. "You take that back!"

"No, I'm pretty sure she is," the monster said. "She just tried to eat me!" Sweetie Belle trotted up to it while the other students cowered.

"Maybe it was just a changeling?" she said, looking uneasy. "We ran into some of those after the canterlot wedding."

"I guess?" the monster said. A little bit of relief showed in its eyes.

What Ruby Pinch saw was a very frightened being full of hurt. She knew one way to help with that. The creature was babbling about Rarity becoming a perfectly-preserved, gorgeous, talking zombie and trying to eat her alive. Ruby Pinch hurried over to its side and hugged it around its big chubby leg.

"It's okay pointy black monster," Ruby said in a lullaby voice. She hugged tight. "Don't worry. You're safe now."

Her friends and classmates grew a little less wary.

"That's such a cool mane," Sweetie Belle said in awe.

"What's that delicious smell?" Dinky Doo said, wiping away drool.

There was something incredibly tasty in the room, but Ruby didn't notice it until some hot salty blood splashed on her face from the creature's ear. It tasted really, really good. Her tummy rumbled.

Her classmates were all looking funny at the monster. Snails leaned his long neck in close and flared his nostrils.

"Heey, you're not so scary. You smell like grilled cheese!" Snails hollered, and then almost fell over in a fit of loud, braying laughter. He wasn't exactly right. She smelt much, much better than grilled cheese.

Sweat rolled down the creature's skin. It smelled more and more appetizing. A sharp, itching ache, like teething pains only worse, pulsed through her jaws. Acid ripped into her guts. She felt as if she hadn't eaten for days.

She squeezed a little tighter and kissed a hole in the creature's black legging. It tasted even better. Her classmates started edging closer. Maybe she wouldn't mind just one little bite. Mommy explained that sometimes, when ponies like each other very much, they give little love-bites, and that was why she'd come back from the rent-stables and night clubs with scars and teeth marks on her flank.

"Don't worry," Ruby Pinch said. Turquoise Gleam sidled up near the creature. Snails leaned over and nibbled her foot. The creature screamed and kicked him so hard he hit the wall flying. Snails tried to yell out in pain, but the wind had been knocked out of him, or something worse. He just wheezed and flapped his bleeding jaw. Ruby Pinch felt scared.
"Um, may I please have a taste?" she said, giving her best snuggleable smile, the kind that made mommy go fetch smelling salts.

The monster's eyes went out of focus. It nodded absently, looking at all the other unicorns. Ruby Pinch leaned over and took a tiny little nip that tasted better than every single candy in sugarcube corner. She tried to make it a very small bite.
The creature screamed. Sweetie Belle jumped up and sunk her teeth into a patch of exposed flabby tummy. The creature ripped her off and flung her against the wall. Sweetie fired a very weak magic missile against it.

Ruby clung on as tight as she could. Maybe she would share with her friends, but she wanted to get the best parts. Dinky Doo tore a big chunk off the soft arm, exposing muscle underneath and spraying her face with more savory blood.
The monster unbuckled its belt and swung it around like a whip. It flailed and bonked Ruby really hard against the wall.
Ruby let go and screamed. Stars of purple pain burst in her eyes. Black spots flickered around. There were no words in her head, only more agony.

"I'm sorry! Sorry sorry sorry!" the creature wailed. It reached towards her, but then jerked back and fled down the hall.
Pinchy tried to grab it with a telekinetic bolt, but only succeeded in making some flowers sprout out of its round tasty backside. A few other fillies and foals launched their spells, and the combined magical fusion turned one arm scaly, added a vestigial wing, made the human's skin bright purple, and caused it to sprout an extra arm from its side before it got out of range.

Spike looked at the cherry liqueurs in his hands. What could he say to Sweetie Belle so she'd back off and stop being weird, but that wouldn't hurt his feelings? Since he came to ponyville, he felt he'd learned a lot about considering the consequences of his actions. Of course, sometimes he had to learn those lessons more than once.

The back door of magic kindergarten was flung open. A bleeding, screaming monster bowled him over, interrupting his introspection.

"Spike!" it squealed. It waved one scaly claw frantically, slammed the door shut with the other claw, and picked him up with a third blunt-clawed arm. "You gotta help me man! There's a bunch of crazy cannibalistic unicorns trying to eat me alive!"
"J-just let me go and don't eat ME!" Spike whimpered. Why was this crazy bloody abomination harassing him?

"I won't eat you!" it roared. "I'm just a human."

"Human?" Spike goggled. It didn't look like the drawings he'd seen in Twilight Sparkle's books. He couldn’t possibly be this lucky.

The creature looked down at its scales and extra limb. "Well, I appreciate the fact doesn't stand out at this moment, but let's see how you look after being hit with a barrage of amateur magic."

Spike's thoughts scattered. He imagined Rarity falling head over hooves in love with little Spikey-wikey, leading a whole live human home to her. Then he imagined Twilight Sparkle saying how proud she was of him, all grown up and ready to get his own house, and clearly having learned everything she taught him about the magic of friendship. He trembled. He felt like his heart was being torn in two.

"Wait a sec. You're a dragon, right?" the human snapped, breaking him out of his reverie.

"Uh, yeah, Spike the dragon. How do you know mmmtth!"

The human yanked out his tongue and held it firmly. "I want to test something."

It dragged his tongue across its skin, then let go. Spike retracted his tongue and started gagging. It was so oily and bitter. How could unicorns stand this stuff?

"Gross-tastic! What did you do that for?"

The human sighed with relief and wiped one hand across its sweaty, bloody brow. It yanked a clear box with a red cross out of its backpack and started dressing its gushing, raw, gristly wounds. Pain flickered in its eyes, but it struggled not to cry out.

The hungry cries of fillies and foals echoed from inside the building. The human yanked him into the underbrush.

"Please help me, Spike. They can smell blood. I don't know why but everypony except Scootaloo wants to devour me alive!"

"Don't worry," Spike said, patting her meaty side. He could probably get more than a day's food for either pony out of those thick sides. He felt like his heart was being cut in two.

Suddenly, Spike got a wonderfully grinchy idea.

"It's okay human. I'll take you somewhere safe…"

Up Late With Applejack

"-don't know where you've been but I see you won first prize! Ring-ding-diddle diddle aye-dee-oh, ring ding diddly-aye-oh, lad I don't know where you've been but I see you won first prize!"

Applejack smiled to herself. Big Mac had taken the whole human-who-says-he's-from-another-world thing in with his usual level-headed acceptance. Honestly, she needed to see if there was anything under Celestia's sun that could startle her bro.
Mind, he had certainly warmed up to Jamal, and Jamal had really taken to him. It only took Macintosh two shots of Applejack's namesake and one pint of cider to start teaching the visitor his favorite drinking songs, and that had set off a lively cultural exchange.

How could humans be so huffy and persnickety one moment and completely down-to-earth the next? Granted, good cider and high spirits helped, but it was more than that. If he'd seen this "car tune" of his, then he knew a bit about how the farm worked and what other ungulates were like in Equestria. But she'd never seen New Jersey on some not-magic-box. How was she to know that cattle didn't talk in "his world"? Did he tell her that domesticated cattle were just mindless beasts like wyverns instead of lifestyle-fetishists? And honestly, what made humans such squeamish prudes? No wonder he was a single dad with an attitude like that.

Applejack snapped out an inner lasso and roped in that uncharitable thought. That wasn't like her and that wasn't fair. Whether or not he really fell through the cracks in his world, this feller came from a radically different culture. This was like expecting a zebra to know how to freeze-distill apple wine.

On the floor beneath her, Big Mac and Jamal wound down with the song about the Pegasus who had his hooves stuck in plaster.

Applejack trotted into Applebloom's room. "Okay, you got your glass of small cider, a lick of salt, and we played carthorse. Are you ready for bed now?"

Applebloom crossed her front legs. "You forgot about the story!"

Applejack chuckled. Of course she hadn't forgotten, but it had become part of the ritual now. "Have I? Now I guess I'm just a silly pony. Once upon a time, in Dream Valley, the evil lord Tirek wanted to cast the world in a shroud of darkness. He had a bag of pulsating shadows called the rainbow of darkness, and he hated every green thing growin' upon the face o' the earth. Nothing would please him better than to let that throbbing little concoction of anti-life slime and twisted spirits rip from east to west, and watch starvation and devastation fill the world with ash and bone…"

It had all started when Applebloom asked her to tell her a brand new story about her Big Sister's adventures. Of course, she'd already told her about facing Basil the dragon, Nightmare Moon, Discord, and the changeling queen, but she'd found those stories oddly hard to believe, and she'd heard each of them at least four times. So she'd invented a wild new tale on the fly, and she knew it was a load of spun sugar, and so did Applebloom, but for some reason she enjoyed it much more than the things that really happened. The story grew in each retelling and in response to Applebloom's demands. She'd worked in a pony a lot like Rainbow Dash named Fyreflye, and later had Spike working for the villain. When Applebloom asked why Tirek didn't use the dragons he already had, instead of changing ponies into dragons, she explained that his winged reptiloids were stratadons, not true dragons.

"Were there any humans fighting to stop Tirek? I mean, now that you think about it properly?" Applebloom giggled.
She'd been pretty unfazed by the human too, aside from wanting to introduce him to her friends and help him get his cutie mark. She'd had to explain that she wouldn't introduce him to Equestrian society until he was good and ready. This critter needed to remain a family secret for now.

"Well of course there was! Fyreflye roped in a little human with straw-colored hair and bright blue overalls, because uh, she was great at riding ponies."

"How did she get a human if they live all the way in another world?" Applebloom said suspiciously.

"Well, I dunno about that. The human said he lives in another world where the sun stands still and the moon whizzes around on its own, but maybe it's just really far away. All I know is Fyreflye flew as fast as she could to pull off this new trick, and the next thing she knew she'd landed outside a stable. It was a little farm, a lot like this one, only the humans could talk and the ponies couldn't!"

Applebloom gasped appreciatively.

"So, Megan tries to be humble, but Fyreflye insists that she's the perfect human to help the ponies out with nasty ol' Tirek…"
In the end, the forces of evil were vanquished, the gargoyle minion turned into a pretty human prince, and harmony was restored to Dream Valley. Applebloom had fallen fast asleep, or was at least doing a good job of pretending.

"Good night little sis," she whispered, closing the door behind her.

She left just in time to find Granny Smith sneaking downstairs with a bottle of purifying sake, a cinnamon broom, and an electrum icon of Princess Celestia's cutie mark.

Applejack snorted. "Granny Smith, are you tryin' to exorcise mah houseguest again?"

Granny Smith knotted up her wrinkled brow in feigned innocence. "Who, me?"

"Yes you!" Applejack snarled.

"Couldn't be!" she said, in defiance of the evidence.

Applejack nosed her back into her room, pushing as firmly as she could without actually causing injury to the old mare. "Granny, if you can't behave yourself and show proper Apple family hospitality to this gentlecolt, you'll have to spend the next few nights with yer galpal Mayor Mare."

Granny Smith grinned and licked her lips. That old mare was still an incurable lovebird.

"AND I'll bring in Uncle Strudel to take over apple-sorting for the cider harvest."

Granny Smith jerked upright with a look of pure dread. "That old man's got sinuses and tastebuds fried by pipe tobacky and sandyweed. He'll ruin the cider! He'll let in a few bad apples to spoil the whole bunch!"

Great Uncle Strudel was a fairly good sorter, but Granny Smith had a mean streak of professional rivalry with him that put Applejack's running-of-the-leaves incident with Rainbow Dash to shame. "Well then, I guess you and Jamal had better learn to get along, and I better not hear from him that you're singing hymns to Celestia right in his ear or throwing sacred salts at his face."

She kicked the door shut. "Goodnight Granny!"

Applejack started her way to bed until she heard the noise of half-smothered sobs. She froze. She opened her bedroom door and listened.

Crickets chirped in three-part harmony. Cows snored out in the sheds. She was almost ready to go back to bed when she heard it again.

It wasn't a great big noisy sob, the kind you made when you broke down in front of friends and family, or after a really bad breakup. It was the sound somepony made who was used to covering up her or his sad sounds, somepony trying not to wake up their family because they didn't want them to deal with this upset. She heard the soft, wet sobs of somepony trying to shoulder a burden alone.

She knew that wasn't the sound of Granny, Big Mac, or Applebloom. She trotted downstairs with just enough noise to alert Jamal to her presence. She went slowly enough that he'd have time to compose himself.

When she arrived, the human looked relaxed and happy, if a little drunk. Nothing betrayed his bought of misery besides a runny nose and a little tremble his left claw. Applejack was impressed, in a sad, dark way.

"How are ya doin' tonight?" She said, matching his elegant fake smile with her own false heartiness.

"Oh you know, pretty good considering," he said.

Applejack took his glass from him, grabbed a bottle of apple brandy spirits, and wordlessly refilled it. He emptied half of it in a gulp, coughed, breathed slowly, and sipped the rest.

Applejack poured a little shot and sipped herself. The silence stretched out, but it was an easy, soothing quiet. It didn't break so much as dissolve into words.

"I heard some of your bedtime story," Jamal said to his empty glass. He refilled it with a shaking hand. "It was pretty cute. It reminds me a lot of a made-for-TV movie I saw with my little sister growing up." He sighed.

Applejack didn't question this statement. It wasn't what he was really thinking about anyway.

"Thank you," she said. She took a sip. He took a sip.

"I really like being here. I like it a lot," he said. His voice trembled. "I haven't had this much fun in…a long, long time. It's really satisfying, and rewarding, and it's much more fun than shilling out chips and rancid meat."

A chill ran down Applejack's spine. He'd mentioned that he worked at a human restaurant, and ungulates weren't treated like people in his world. Now he talked about working with flesh.

Jamal pulled the sparkly thing with the spinning needle out of his pocket. He stared at it for a long time. She reminded herself that whatever disturbing things he did back home, here he was nothing but a good farmhoof.

"Christina's waiting back home. She's staying with her aunt in Camden. She's a lot like Applebloom." He sighed again. "Or, maybe it just reminds me of her, hearing Applebloom poke holes in the story. She's really good at asking tricky questions. She loves the show. You're her favorite pony, along with Twilight, and even though she's a great singer in the Children's Chorus and the chorus summer camp, she wants to grow up to be a scientist."

Applejack refilled his glass. The human seemed to age right before her eyes.

"She made this compass. It wasn't part of the camp program, but after all the times I got 'lost' because I drove through an upscale neighborhood where people like me weren't supposed to have nice cars, she wanted to help me find my way. She asked the teachers about how to make a compass so I could be home for her more often."

Anger and pain flashed across his face. For a moment Applejack worried that he might break the glass. She didn't know exactly what she was talking about, but she could smell the big mess of tangled feelings and harsh realities behind it.
"I'm just so, so tired. I'm tired of trying to cook nutritious meals that won't make her gag using underipe fruit and expensive vegetables and preservative-filled crap. I tired of trying to keep her entertained and informed and keeping her out of trouble. I'm tired of trying to explain why we shouldn't speak to policemen unless they ask us questions, or why she can't have most of the toys or visit most of the places she sees on TV. I'm tired of trying to keep this ratty apartment together on a 'living' wage."

He curled up his claws into his palms and pounded them on the table. "I'm just sick and tired of being sick and tired. I went to Bronycon for a little break from it all, and now it feels like I've gotten the perfect vacation, and it's not even my fault." He groaned and whimpered. "I just haven't accomplished anything back home. I see all this artwork that looks like it belongs in a museum, and I get a hug from some genius in a Derpy Hooves costume, and I think, why can't I do any of that? I don't have the talent or energy or smarts to make up a four-page fanfiction, and here are these kids doing all this amazing stuff!" He shook his head.

Applejack sniffled. She thought back to the Cider Season incident, and to the big Applebuck season. What if she didn't have her friends to fall back on? What if it was just her, a family in need, and too many things to do?

She put a leg around his shoulder. She wanted to reassure him, but he wasn't ready for truth right now, not until he finished spilling out his own poisons. Too many words could get in the way.

"Her mother hasn't visited in years." He looked up, and she saw her own understanding reflected in his eyes. "It's for the best. Really."

She nodded. At least she'd enjoyed loving parents as long as they lasted. She'd heard tell that some mahs and pahs were less than they should be.

"Tomorrow, I need to go to Twilight Sparkle. I need to see if she can magic me back home."

Applejack nodded. "That sounds wise, but don't worry yer handsome head about it tonight, okay? Your filly is doin' jes fine with her aunty. You won't do her any good by staying up all night and beating yerself up about it."

He gave her a weak smile of desperate relief. "Thanks."

"I'm just telling you what you already know," she said, patting him on the back. "Now why don't I grab you some apple dumplings from the oven?"

An Important Cake Delivery

Pinkie Pie zip lined past the checkered spire of carousel boutique, with the wheels whizzing above her and the wind whipping in her cheeks. She clutched the rolls of wax paper tighter and tilted them so they vibrated in tune with the zip line's buzz.

The buzzing sounded like a duet of bees. Pinkie Pie tried to stay friendly with the bees, even though she didn't grow any zap apples. Taupe roofs and tall trees whipped past her. She didn't see anypony out, or any donkeys, gryphons, or cows. Some of the farmponies like Applejack and Caramel might be waking up now, but this was mostly the time when ungulates turned over in their sleep and night creatures like Owlowiscious went to bed, unless they went to stable or roost instead of bed. Everything was still and quiet with everyone asleep, except for crepuscular creatures like raccoons and stream serpents. Still, the quiet stillness pervaded, with stars almost gone, candles blown out, and only the soft swirly gumdrop-purple-pink light of pre-pre-dawn suffusing the moist morning air.

Pinkie Pie passed one-hundred and thirteen trees before she arrived at the magic kindergarten. She let go just in time to land on the big pile of pillows she'd set up in front of every zip line station in Ponyville last week, which wasn't that hard since Ponyville only had six zip line stations, and she'd set up all of them during a game of truth or dare at Lemon Hearts's slumber party. She bounced and giggled as feathers flew around her and the sky spun.

"Lemon Hearts is such a cool pony and I should really do this more because I wasn't even sleepy then, and I'm wide awake now without even being a raccoon!" she said.

Pinkie Pie staggered out of her improvised pillow fort to see Spike arguing with an attic.

"Please come down? It's not a trap." Spike pointed to the giant paper-cutter beneath him, with a big "NOT A TRAP" sign pointing to it. The sign had the loopy-swoopy but still legible cursive script that marked Spike's penmanship and the paint on it was still drying. The paper cutter had lots of maple syrup on it and the slicing part was raised up with a long grass-colored string on its top that Spike was innocently holding the other end of.

The attic didn't respond.

"I've got some nice gems for you here! Humans like shiny things. You could buy, like, a hundred my little pony deevy deez with this diamond, and a bunch of piercings, and your favorite energy drinks from Hot Topic!" Spike whined. "Come on, you can't turn down this star sapphire! I spent ages digging for Rarity to get it."

"Hi Spike!" Pinkie Pie waved. He was being so silly. What would an attic do with gemstones? If she wanted to bribe an attic she'd offer it a snazzy new paint job and a comfy outbuilding. She picked up her sugarcube corner packages and hopped over to Spike.

"If you come down I'll be your best friend!" Spike wailed.

The attic spat out a book that almost hit him. Spike stared at it, then glared at the attic with the hurt fury of a dozen Gildas. Hot tears streamed down his eyes. He breathed in deep and screamed at the schoolhouse, his long tongue flapping about like an inflatable snake on the end of a rocking chair during a stiff wind.

Pinkie Pie ran over and yanked him up in a tight hug. "Oh don't cry Spike! I'm sure that mean old attic wasn't aiming for you. I brought cake!"

Spike blinked back the tears and wriggled out of Pinkie's hooves. "What are you talking about?"

"Hot from the oven, with seven different grades of gemstone, honey-wheat, and a limestone-buttercream frosting, because you don't like the whipped cream kind, and I'm sure I can sort out everything so nobody has to throw books or bribe roofing structures," Pinkie Pie said. She yanked the ceramic cover off the portable cake-carrier, pulled a diamond-tipped cake knife out of the sheath in her flesh-tone pantyhose pockets, chopped off a really big piece, and stuffed it into Spike's mouth. Her heart hammered in her chest, and she showed him a really wide smile to try to remind him that she liked him a lot and he was her friend and everything was going to turn out okay so, really, there was no reason why he shouldn't cheer up again and stop feeling sad.

Spike's face lit up for a brief moment as he chewed through the gems, but he still looked more sour than a sour patch sour candy. He glared at the house and looked down at the sticky gem-covered paper-cutter.

"Please, please come down and get on the paper cutter like my friend Spike wants you to," Pinkie hollered, "and I'll give you some joists and some glow-in-the-dark paint and then we can all sort this out and have a making-peace-between-my-favorite-dragon-and-an-inanimate-object party!"

"What?" Spike and the attic said.

"Well, it looks kinda greenish-white, but when you blow out all the candles and cover up the windows, or when the sun goes down, it glows a really bright whitish-green!" Pinkie explained. She should have told them about how glow-in-the-dark paint worked first, because Twilight had told her some really interesting things about photons and demiphotons and why light travels faster at a higher density with more particle formations than wave behavior in a low-level magical field.

"I'm an animate object, or more like an animate person, only I won't stay that way for long if this backstabbing psychopathic dragon executes his little scheme," a human in spikey black clothes shouted. It rubbed its puffy eyes and spat at Spike.

"What are you talking about? I'll prove it's perfectly safe," Pinkie Pie said. She hopped on the sticky maple syrup and rolled around, licking it off the cold metal surface. Spike waved his arms and tried to say something just as she jumped off. She felt a little cool breeze and slight tug on her tail.

"Now you can try!" Pinkie Pie said.

Roosters crowed in the distance. Somepony screamed at them to shut the bucking blueberry muffins up. The human looked at a distant milk-carrier, glanced at all the other houses, and shivered. Maybe she was afraid of milk? Or maybe she didn't like working windows, and that's why she was hiding up in a dingy old attic. There probably wasn't any candy in the attic, but some ponies used their attics to store dandelion wine and sweet melonberry preserves. It looked down at her like Twilight Sparkle during winter wrapup, trying to figure out if the cave she was ringing a bell in front of held baby bunnies or venomous vipers.

"Do you Pinkie Promise you won't eat me?" the human said. "Or try to cut me up for somepony else to eat, or pickle my hands for later consumption, or slowly siphon out my blood and grind my bones as a filler in smoothies and marinate me in the juices of my own left kidney before sautéing me alive?"

Pinkie Pie frowned. She wasn't a bale of hay or a fancy cake or a demon from the second circle of tartarus, so why would she think somepony was going to eat her? Anyway cakes and hay bales didn't have kidneys or blood, and demons from the second circle had tentacles instead of hands. Still, if this was somebody new, then this was an opportunity to make a good friend for life, and that might be a little easier if she reassured her.

"I Pinkie Promise not to cook, sautee, bake, pickle, sugar-coat, honey-glaze, blend, frappe, caramelize, or otherwise prepare you for culinary consumption, or to snap your leg like a hay fry and feast on your tender flesh, or carve you open with a carving knife to chew up your innards, or drink your blood, binge on your bones, devour your skin, gobble you up in one bite like a delicious gumdrop, or otherwise seek to put your yummy in anypony's tummy, so help me Celestia. Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye." Pinkie Pie said. She performed every step, pushing away the memory of a broken wheel and a sudden stop. She focused on the interesting new human in front of her instead, and gave her a big friendly grin, then pulled out her party cannon and fired a spray of rainbow confetti and chocolate bonbons at her. The human flinched, but then relaxed when she saw the chocolate and confetti falling. She gave a very tight, very watery smile. Pinkie Pie encouraged her with a big grin.

"Can you also promise to take me straight to Sugarcube Corner without stopping to talk with anypony else on the way, or like, sneak me in there using your reality-bending fourth wall powers?"

"I'll take you straight there," Pinkie Pie said. She didn't know why this human was obsessed with walls and buildings, but it might be a particular quirk of her upbringing, and she liked being furtive and sneaky. She pulled on her nightvision goggles and black stealth suit. It might make the human happy to be alongside somepony wearing black like her, because almost nopony wore black in ponyville. It wasn't very popular in Cloudsdale or Canterlot either. Almost everything in Equestria had a pinkishly-inclined pastel color scheme.

"Hey!" Spike said, waking out of his gem-induced reverie. "That's my two-legged deer. I mean, I've got it for now, and I'm going to give it away to Twilight and Rarity!"

Pinkie Pie frowned. "I thought you said that you just wanted to be her friend?"

"Uh, I do! Totally!" Spike said, sweating and backing up. "Aaand then I can introduce her to Twilight and Rarity, and she can be lu-, I mean, have lunch at their houses."

"Oh Spike, she can't have lunch at two different houses at once! Unless she wants to have two lunches in one day, which might be fun, but I think that's usually lunch and break, or lunch and an extra-big snack. I could really go for some corn cakes right about now. Do you like the cake?"

Spike wavered and stammered. Pinkie Pie handed him the wax paper, spices, and the other cooking items he ordered, burying him under a small pile of culinary impliments.

"Catch me!" the human screamed, jumping out straight at her. Pinkie Pie reached up her hooves, but instead the human landed on the pile of accoutrements, prompting a squeal of agony from Spike.

"Oh my gosh, Spike, are you okay?" Pinkie Pie gasped.

The human sprang to her feet and turned around, staring at the baby dragon with horror. "Spike? Spike! Speak to me!"

"Aah, oh, oh Celestia the paaaain!" Spike wailed, clutching his left arm. "I think my arm is broken! You better hurry me along to the ice knives and savory sauce warehouse to get a first aid kit!"

Pinkie Pie leaned closer as Spike clutched his other arm.

"It's okay, I've got one here," the human said, swinging a first aid box right at his face. Spike coughed up a ball of sticky green flame, but she patted it out before it burned much of her jacket. Then she jumped on Pinkie Pie's back.

"Hi ho Pinkie, away!" She bellowed, waving her arm in the air and laughing like Oatmeal. "I mean, please, go now!"

Good Morning Ponyville

"Now don't you fret, Jamal, if there's a high-powered spell our Twilight can't cast I've yet to hear of it," Applejack said.

Jamal shifted uncomfortably on Big Mac's saddle. This might just have been because, as he'd explained, while some humans road domesticated animals regularly, the closest he'd come to a bronco buck was being bitten by a petting zoo goat.

It might also be the blurry memory of last night's confessions coming into focus. He wouldn't be the first houseguest to make strange discoveries about his romantic inclinations while drinking with her brother, and that would make riding his back a touch more intimate than he'd desire. He didn't have any reason to worry, if that was the case. Big Mac had plenty of practice at takin confession of unrequited love in stride.

This was normally the time for picking up eggs, setting out a market stall, or smacking seven kinds of horse-apples out of the rooster until it realized that dawn had come already, so it could shut it's stupid beak. It was nice to trot down the streets of Ponyville before the streets clogged up with equine traffic. The colors of dawn glinted off the upper windows of Town Hall (newly repaired with a grant from the Appleoosa Foundation) and the frosted-cake-turrets of Carousel Boutique. Cherry Fizzy squinted his bright green eyes against the light, coughed up some glitter, and staggered over to Weepy Willow's Analgesics and Contraceptive emporium. Emerald lurched along in her bathrobe and slippers towards the Talk Family Coffeehouse. Pokey Peirce stuck his head out of the window and nearly choked on his toothbrush.

Jamal spared some attention to take in the daily scene of ponyville, but also kept shifting his grip on Macintosh. Maybe he just regretted opening up so many tender spots to her in the wee small hours. Honest and truthful weren't exactly the same things; you couldn't un-plant a snapdragon field in the blooming season.

As more early risers stopped to gawk at Jamal the human, another possibility surfaced in Applejack's mind. Maybe he just didn't care for all the attention. Twilight had explained how much the forced interaction with other ponies made her uneasy when she first visited town, and Fluttershy, well, she was Fluttershy. He didn't seem like the bashful type. Then again, it's a lot easier to be cool as a cucumber when you're with friends and family on your favorite stomping ground. Maybe she'd start ta twitch an squirm at one of these "conventions" he talked about, where even a person dressed as in a pony-suit could gather photographs and hugs from total strangers.

"Oh Celestia, what is it?" Lily gasped.

"That's never a two-legged deer, one of the omnivores from the ponyolithic period!" Rose squealed

"Run! It'll stab us all with flint spears and drive us into fire traps and make us irrigate soil with a surprisingly clever system of plows and artificial hummocks!" Daisy bellowed. "Run for your father-bucking lives!"

The three earth ponies charged off in random directions, banging into each other and reversing out of dead ends, screaming at the top of their lungs. Butter Cream waited for one to stampede out of his way before setting down his next milk bottle. Cloud Kicker rolled her eyes and got back to touching up the crest on a cirrus cloud.

"Some ponies," Applejack snorted. She turned to Jamal. He wasn't exactly blubbing or shuddering or fuming, but he didn't look well. His odd features had gone a little blank, and he relaxed against Big Mac in a puppet-with-cut-strings kinda way.

"We've all learned not to pay any heed to those three. Ah know you've seen them hollerin' at a bunny stampede as if they was pony-shaped carrots durin' Applebuck Season, and last week they all screamed themselves hoarse because I'd left a Pink Lady Apple in the Gala Apple barrel."

Jamal nodded. A little of the life came back into him, but he still looked as comfortable as Angel going on a dinner date with Owlowiscious. Maybe some of that had to do with the way Lemon Hearts was staring. She'd stopped halfway through unfolding the awning on her tart-selling cart. Her nostrils flared, her breathing ragged, and hear back arched in a strange way. It looked…needful.

Applejack knew Lemon Hearts a little. Their parents had swapped pie recipes way back when. She and Lemon Hearts had tied for third in last year's bake-off. She was just another pony in Ponyville, to Applejack.

In an instant, Applejack saw Lemon Hearts through human eyes. Here was something that could run faster than any human,. It might cast spells, wielding a power that humans found more unnatural and frightening than the Everfree Forest. Above all, it ended in a sharp point.

"Hey Applejack, is that thing for sale?" Lemon Hearts said in a dreamy, breathless voice.

"No, he is not for sale," Applejack said, with calm emphasis. "And you might wanna attend your cooker, them tarts is startin' to over-caramelize."

Her eyes flickered to the oven, but then she turned straight back. "I don't smell them burning," she purred. A big glop of saliva splattered on her table. "It's hiding a bushel of rose hips and prime sandwich orchids, right?" She sniffed again. Her pupils widened, even though she was facing east.

Jamal's head tilted in confusion while his body hunched up higher on Big Mac's back. He sniffed a pit and shrugged.

"There are no flowers involved, and maybe you should ease up on the herbal remedies, miss Hearts. You been playin' in the poison joke patch?" Applejack said, hiding her unease with a tone of concern.

"Maybe it's a really skinny pig, or a featherless chicken?" Lemon Hearts said with unwarranted hope. "I hear some farmers sell pigs and chickens to the Gryphonian market. Or could it be a hairless bear?" Lemon wiped away a mess of ropey spit from her chompers. In the clear morning light, Applejack noticed how finely serrated unicorn front teeth were. Sure, they might be shaped the same as earth pony and Pegasus teeth, but there was a little sharper edge in the dental work. Why had she never noticed that before?

It was then that Applejack realized Lemon Hearts had not only been keeping pace with them, but slowly edging closer to Big Mac. She snorted up a big lungful of air and edged her face into Big Mac's personal space.

"I've got some nice curry," Lemon Hearts moaned. "I love making curries."

"Could you please back off?" Big Mac said. His voice was, as usual, mild and polite, but his words had just a hint of rumble in them.

"I'd pay your in bits or rubies," Lemon Hearts said hopefully.

"This is a houseguest, what we are transportin' to my friend Twilight Sparkle. You know, the stocky purple unicorn who's a number one student of Princess Celestia? Ring any bells?" Applejack said, feeling a more annoyed than playful.

While Lemon Hearts wavered on the edge of response, Big Mac galloped ahead, and Applejack chased on after him.

If it had just been Lemon Hearts acting peculiar, Applejack wouldn't have given the matter a fourth thought. Twinkleshine and Allie Way both tried to buy him off her, insisting Jamal was some fancy foreign livestock loud enough to drown out his vocal objections. Amethyst Star dropped her handbag just to stare at the human like he was a bale of fresh hay. Comet Tail and Diamond Mint locked eyes on him during their romantic brunch and failed to notice they'd both eaten most of the tablecloth. Even DJ Pon-3, who normally spent this time of day staggering home with a lampshade on her head or tossing cookies in an ally, tried to stagger up and pass the time of day with her guest. Little Bloo and Pluto even nipped at the poor man's heels until Applejack threatened to tell their parents and waved a horseshoe at them. What had gotten into everypony today?

While she was asking about a way to send Jamal Freeman home, she might also ask Twilight to check for strange magic at work. Something odd was in the air, and it wasn't applejack fumes or country cookin'.

When they finally reached Twilight Sparkle's house, Mr Freeman was trembling like a tree in the wind.

"What if she can't cast a spell to send me back?" Jamal said, trying to disguise the hope in his voice. "What if there isn't any spell like that, or what if there's something with the weakening walls of reality so that sending me back the same way would cause irreparable damage to the space-time continuum?"

Applejack might not know what a continuum was, but she could recognize somepony trying to dodge an issue. "Then we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Ease, sugarcube. Where there's a will, there's a way, and ah don't see no harm in asking."

Applejack knocked on the door. Jamal started to dismount, then froze. "I'm going to meet Twilight Sparkle," he said.

Jamal slipped to the ground. He made a slight grunt, but dusted himself off without acknowledging the pain. "I'm going to meet Twilight Sparkle!" The man had a deep voice, but he almost squeaked the sentence.

"Eeyup," Big Mac supplied.

"If she ever answers the door, yeah," Applejack said.

"I'm going…to meet…Twilight Sparkle," Jamal gasped, swaying back and forth. If he was Rarity, he would have been pulling out the fainting couch. "How's my hair? Is my shirt too dusty? Did I remember to bring a pen and something to sign?"

"Whoa there, hold your horses. This is Twilight Sparkle of Ponyville, not a royal interview with three crowned princesses," Applejack said. He hadn't gotten this flustered or mentioned autographs around her. She squashed the irrelevant thought.

"Spike, answer the door!" Applejack hollered.

"Spike, answer the door," echoed from inside the tree in Twilight's voice.

There was a pause. Jamal shuffled his feet and surreptitiously brushed off his outfit.

A flicker of magic opened the door. "Come in!" Twilight Sparkle shouted. She turned back to the three books in front of her and a neat row of seventeen different herbs and spices.

"Hmm, sage and onion stuffed, marinated in bear's blood and garnished with fresh clover, or stuffed with lily of the valley and cornmeal, slow-roasted, then slathered in olive oil and melted provolone? Or maybe I could go with the raw-food, rare-cooked option? But would the set of hoofcuffs and headclamps in my basement fit, or do I need to resize them? Spike's still on good terms with that carpenter in cloudsdale…"

Applejack chuckled and shook her head. She reached over and nudged a bottle of ink closer to the stack of Clydesdale the Conquerer sequential art.

Twilight Sparkle looked up with a snarl on her face. Then she saw Applejack, and she smiled. Then she noticed Jamal. Her expression turned…strange.

Pickle Juice and Quail Eggs

"Aaaah!"

Pinkie Pie screamed as she plunged through the open window, just missing the cooling mock apple pie by a hair's breadth. She'd never understood the point of mock apple pie, since it didn't offer any nasty jabs or insightful meta-fruit satire. She didn't quite notice the loud bonk.

Reiko hissed, took a deep breath, and looked out the window. "Are we being pursued by ravenous unicorns? Zombies? The Westboro Baptist Church?"

Pinkie didn't know what a Westboro Baptist Church was, but she felt a brief tremor of urgency. She felt like playing a rimshot or winking at the camera.

"Oh, sorry. I just saw Captain Bell, and that reminded me of her little sister Blue Bell, and that reminded me of the story Crimson Quill told during Blue Bell's sleepover," Pinkie Pie said. She shivered, because even though it was just a story, the bakery was a good long run from fresh running water. A pony could run out of breath panting and screaming before she reached minnow creek. "I don't even have any seaweed to burn."

The human giggled and rubbed the lump on her head. “You really are random.”

“Me? Random?” Pinkie Pie laughed. “At least I have skin all over me, and you won’t find half a Cyclops growing out of my back.”

Reiko the human stared at her as if she’d said something crazy. She cleared her throat, but the little stage-cough turned into a real cough. Soon she was hacking and wheezing on the floor.

“I’ll get a pickle jar!” Pinkie Pie shouted over her shoulder.

The human might have said “how will that help?”

Since Spike said he’d been standing out there all night, that must mean the human had spent all night up in the dry, dusty attic. If Pinkie had done that, she’d feel pretty thirsty, and a creature with more insulating flesh, no layer of light fur to keep the sun off, and only two legs to balance on would sweat much more than her. On top of severe dehydration, as she remembered from Rainbow Dash’s racing tips, somepony sweating lost a lot of electrolytes.

Pinkie Pie pounded past Mr. and Mrs. Cake’s bedroom, hovered over the floor next to the nursery for Pound and Pumkin, then dove into the root cellar. She paused to laugh at the spot where, six weeks and three days ago, Rainbow Dash had pulled off an elaborate prank involving a snorkel, a few worms, and a bunch of rotten food. At the time she’d thought an evil revenant from Tartarus wanted to gobble up her soul, but in hindsight it seemed pretty funny.

Pinkie Pie grabbed the biggest jar of pickles she could find, slotted it into her rootbeer-powered hoofless can-and-jar opener, and crammed every worty preserved vegetable into her mouth. She swallowed them without chewing as she dashed upstairs. As an afterthought, she grabbed a few sugar cubes from her emergency stash inside the hollow part of the second-floor banister.

“Here, this will taste really icky and sour but you need to drink it all down slowly, otherwise you might get sick, but I Pinkie-Promise you can have something sweet when you’re done,” Pinkie explained in one breath.

The human sucked it down obediently. She didn’t even make a face until Pinkie popped the sugar cube into her mouth.

Pinkie Pie gasped. Attics didn’t have strawberry milk, or cupcakes, or hay fries with cinnamon sugar sprinkles!

“Would you like some rainbow-frosted cupcakes or a puffy artichoke omelette or –mph!”

Reiko, like many people she had known, shoved a hand over Pinkie Pie’s mouth.

“No! I mean, no thank you. I’m not in a mood for c-c-cupcakes r-right now.” She looked at the roughly stitched wounds and fresh scabs on her body. Pinkie Pie suddenly realized she must want to scream and pain. The left corner of her mouth kept twitching. “Maybe an omelette later. I’m r-really just tired.”

“Oh no, what happened to you? Are you allergic to garlic? Do you want me to fetch nurse blueheart?” Pinkie Pie squealed. What if she passed out from agony right now? What if she got dizzy and confused from the pain and tried break down the statue of Proudhoof with her forehead? Did Reiko get that bump when she was riding Pinkie Pie?

“No, no nurses! I just need some rest, and maybe a little ice,” Reiko said.

“Okey-dokey Loki,” Pinkie Pie said, reluctantly. She headed downstairs and came back with some stuff from the ice-box, and some rock salt and cream just in case Reiko changed her mind about desert. When she came back upstairs, Reiko had slumped down on the carpet, curled into a half-ball with a sheet of odd white paper with perfect lettering on it in one hand. Her other hand clutched a keychain that looked like Rainbow Dash. It started with the word “Cupcakes”. Pinkie Pie eased it out of Reiko’s hand and started to read.

Twilight Sparkle couldn't believe her eyes. The clothes were very different from the illustrations, and the hair was a bit shorter, but it had all the classic features. Those small eyes, the stocky hind legs, malformed back, nearly-hairless skin, and delicate blunted claws were unmistakable.

Twilight Sparkle widened her nostrils. She wanted to measure every organ in its body. She intended to boil it, distill it, and run it through a thaumic filter to figure out exactly how it managed to become so impossibly delicious. It must just be the carnivore hormones pulsing into her, combined with olfactory senses heightened by short-term protein deprivation, but she thought she could actually taste a hint of the human in the air.

Underneath the scientific curiousity, but closer to the surface than she would admit, Twilight felt a thrill of child-like wonder. This was how she’d felt the first time she’d seen what magic could really do. A bit of it had coursed through her spine, under the slow dread, when she realized that the Mare in the Moon was more than an old pony’s tale. Her hooves trembled with the shock of fantasy come true. How many times had she played Human Hunters with Shining Armor (the role of the human played by a long-suffering parent) until bedtime? How many stories of adventure, romance, and discovery had a two-legged deer as the catalyst that lured the heroine into the first step of her journey?

Underneath all of that, way deep down, the wild-born omnivore howled with delight. The heritage of long-gone ancestors that gored open mad bulls on sun-scorched plains and tossed the still-twitching hearts of brown bears to their hungry children bubbled up inside her. She dismissed it as irrelevant.

The two-legged animal was talking to her, with lots of pauses and “um”s. Twilight Sparkle wiped away the saliva.

“-wants to grow up to be just like you. “

Twilight cocked her head. This wasn’t right. Bipedicus diabolicus should come at her with a torch and sharpened flint, or run towards the nearest cave. It shouldn’t shuffle its feet, blush, and talk about her being a role model.

Applejack stepped in.

“The important thing, as Jamal was workin his way round ta sayin, is that he’s stuck here in Equestria instead of bein’ back at home with his filly, I mean, daughter. Seein’ as you can wink in and wink out all over the place, and his turf is farther than a day’s flight or train ride, we need you to fix up some spells to send him back where he belongs.”

Twilight Sparkle pushed down visions of a slow-roasted, cider-marinated human, stuffed with honeyed oats and dressed in a thin layer of quail egg hollandaise sauce. Applejack had just requested a friendly flavor-er, favor. She could at least pursue the question, and sharpen her teeth on the weighty magical dilemma instead of stewing over tantalizing images of savory, tender, rare and bloody aquatic ape flesh.

“Recon your up to the task, Twi?” Applejack’s voice wavered. She seemed concerned, but tried to hide her unease.

“I’m thinking,” Twilight said. She held up a hoof and grabbed a stick of celery. Chief Silver Dagger the Third had stopped a civil war with a public buffet of two-legged deer veal garnished by onion-and-celery seed sauce. She crunched harder.

“How far away is New Jersey?” she said. Winking out had a limited range, even under ideal condition, and carrying a passenger taller than a grown pony wouldn’t be ideal. She could try making the trip in a series of winks, but the sub-thaumic currents that winking out depended on where unpredictable in the extreme and could cut out when it was least convenient, like when somepony found a hydra snapping at her heels. In fact, they often did dry up just when a pony needed them most, because of Starswirl’s Inverse Law and the Murphy Variable.

After some hesitation and exchanged shrugs, the two-legged deer said “I uh, don’t really know for sure. I think it’s another planet, maybe even another galaxy or dimension?” It scratched its head.

Twilight quelled an impulse to bite the silly creature’s head off. “You can’t be from a dimension any more than you can take a vacation to thickness. I think you mean ‘cosmos’, ‘universe’, or ‘self-contained fourth-dimensional iteration’.”

“Yeah, that one,” Applejack said, deadpan. “But, can you get him back there?”

She ran through her mental checklist of works on potential worlds. In theory, if you wrote a story well enough, and the right kind of story, it had a hyperbolically small chance of accurately describing another realm of existence, even without any sort of interaction between them. It was a bit like somepony who had spent their entire life in a cave throwing hydrogen atoms in the same general area really, really hard until they struck off the precise chain of fission to accrete into a live polar bear. She’d always wanted to try parboiled live human stuffed with bear brains and seasoned with shamrock sauce. Clover the Clever had mastered a spell to summon a single mote of smoke from an alien cosmos to complete her apprenticeship to Starswirl the Bearded.

The windows rattled. A few books fell off the shelves. A jagged cramp reminded Twilight Sparkle how hungry she felt. She’d only had a dozen softboiled eggs for breakfast, after all.

“I think I’ll concentrate better on a full stomach. Why don’t I just grab something to eat, and then I can resolve that little spellcasting problem of yours, okay Applejack?”

“Sure thing sugarcube,” Applejack said. She raised a hoof. The two-legged deer bumped his fist against it. “Take care, Jamal.”

“It’s been a pleasure working with you,” it replied with a thin, choked-up voice. It rubbed a claw across its eyes. Twilight Sparkle caught another whiff of its musk and thought of the sugar-glazed human hock recipe on page 372 of Four-Hundred and Forty-Four Time-Consuming, Hard-to-Prepare Meals.

Unconfirmed Party Clown Status

Reiko the human stirred and groaned. Pinkie Pie guiltily stuffed the sheets of evenly-spaced, perfectly-regular writing into her backpack.

Reiko shot upright and tensed up. "I'm sorry," she squeaked. Then the human rubbed her eyes.

"You don't have to be sorry, you're awake!" Pinkie Pie said. Maybe she'd been having one of those dreams where she got invited to a grandparent's marriage and kept stepping on everything, or maybe she got into really bad fights with her friends right before going to bed. Then again, maybe it was something even worse. She didn't choose to dwell on this, so instead she handed Reiko a Crème de Cacao muffin. "Muffin?"

Reiko shook her head, rubbed her eyes, and took the muffin anyway. Then she pinched herself.

“Demeter’s nipples, this is still real,” she sighed. A long, weary smile flitted across her face, sharpened by a hint of melancholy. She sniffed the muffin and took a big bite. “Definitely real.”

“Why is a hint of melancholy sharpening the weary smile flitting across your face? It can’t be because you like the muffin, unless you were thinking it was too good to be real, and then you tasted it, and you realized it wasn’t too good to be real, but I don’t think that’s what it’s really about.” Was the little blue mood curdling her happy feelings because the happiness reminded her of one of the neatly-printed stories she read, which even though she liked it turned out to be sad? She didn’t understand why anypony would want to read sad stories, but she supposed that someponies could have fun being sad the way she had fun being scared. Maybe the story about cupcakes was supposed to be scary, although she didn’t know why a clown would write scary stories. She supposed there might be a clown who couldn’t make enough money clowning around to support her family that took up writing penny dreadfuls to make ends meet, or maybe it would make more sense the other way around, a horror writer taking up part-time clowning? Clownery? “Anyway, how does he authenticate his claim to be the world’s greatest birthday clown? I don’t know everything about the world you come from, but that’s gotta be a really hotly contested position in any world with clowns and birthdays. Unless your sun only orbits the planet once every seven-million, seven-hundred and seventy-seven thousand, seven-hundred and seventy-two Equestrian years? Then you would have really long years and not a lot of birthdays. And how did he get promoted to the rank of sergeant if he’s busy writing horror and outcompeting every other clown in his field?”

Reiko the human blinked and stared. “Melancholy? Um...who’s a sergeant writing penny dreadfuls?”
“You know, Sergeant Sprinkles. I still think he may be a bit of a Trixie about his birthday-planning abilities, but he’s certainly got a really steady hand and nice even writing. Twilight Sparkle would be impressed, assuming she didn’t try and eat him, which I think is only a remote possibility because she’s way more interested in books than food. Would you like some goat’s milk to go with that cupcake, or do you still need to recover some electrolytes?”

“Wait, you read Cupcakes? Oh no, Pinkie, no no Luna damn hell I’m so, so sorry!” Without warning, the human flung its arms around her in a boa constrictor-strength surprise hug. “You must be terrified out of your skin or clinically depressed or-“ she stopped. She looked at Pinkie. “You’re not throwing up or sobbing or trembling.” She frowned. “Did you read it?”

“Oh that story?” Pinkie Pie giggled. She’d read a lot of stories, and it wasn’t even up there with the post-lunar Daring Doo spinoffs. It was still better than Twilight’s Re-Cant fanfiction or Snips’s Epic Story of Chaste and Pure Courtly Love. “I was more interested in the one where Derpy Hooves turns out to be the author of the Daring Do books, or the one where Rarity tries out one of Twilight’s spells and starts laying eggs.” She waved a hoof. “So, savory brine or creamy milk?”

Reiko looked at her suspiciously and wrinkled her nose, as if the last few words made her uncomfortable. Then backed up. “Wait, you really read the whole Cupcakes story? The one where you turn into a serial killer?”
Pinkie Pie laughed. Cupcakes indeed! “Yeah, it was pretty funny.”

Reiko looked half shocked, half pleased. “You mean you liked the over-the-top gore?”

Now Pinkie frowned. “No, that’s just icky and weak-cabbage-y. I meant the really silly parts.” Had the so-called Sergeant ever eaten a cupcake? And how could you run a decent birthday party without making cupcakes? Sure, a good cake should be enough for a decent sized party, but some occasions just called for an extra cakey treat, like a dessert-appetizer.
“Please explain,” Reiko said, inching back a little.

“Well, for starters, I would never bake somepony up into cupcakes. The texture would be all wrong, and the meat would totally ruin the flavor, even if you could grind them up small enough that they wouldn’t show. If I had to dispose of gruesomely slaughtered innocents by cooking them up, I’d make them into pot pies or pasties or a big tasty stew. Hay, even a stir-fry would make more sense, although that’s not really baking so maybe it doesn’t count. Anything would be better than obvious cupcakes where you’d feel every little chewy lumpy bit and notice the odd greasy stains leaking out the sides. I bet a fruitcake would be easier to-“ Pinkie slowed down, for once.

The human had slid away from her as she talked. She now had one hand in her pocket, and the other was fumbling with the latch of the unbroken window. (Pinkie had boarded up the other one while Reiko was asleep.)

“Do you not want the muffin? If you’d really prefer cow’s milk I could get that.” She paused and thought really really hard.

“Or maybe I said something that upset you?”

Reiko trembled like something trying very very hard to run away while trying even harder to stay perfectly still. “Not exactly. I’m just a bit surprised.”

“Well, I guess it goes to show that for all his military honors and book sales and fame, he doesn’t know the first thing about baking,” Pinkie said with a dismissive snort. “I suppose everyone’s got their weaknesses.”

“You did Pinkie-Promise not to eat me, or torture me, or force-feed me to somepony else, right?” Reiko said, looking at the boarded-up window. Sweat soaked her brow. The scales on her third arm were flaking a little, and she scratched at them, showing some tender stitches along the side of her not-so-scaly limb.

“Cross my heart and hope to fly,” Pinkie said, nervously. “Those stitches look really nasty. Do you want me to take you to Nurse Blueheart?”

“No, no nurses, no doctors, nowhere somepony else might find out about me,” Reiko said, waving her arms, her face tight. “I can take care of it.”

“Okey-dokey-Loki,” Pinkie Pie said uneasily. A good friend kept promises, but she’d find some way to get her proper medical care if any of those wounds started going bad. Maybe humans didn’t feel pain the same way ponies did, or maybe that mostly-hairless flesh was tougher than it looked.

“You’ve never broken a Pinkie Promise, right?” Reiko said, but the real worry had left her voice. She scooted a little closer.
“Only once,” Pinkie Pie said when Reiko wasn’t looking, as quietly as she could. She felt bad. Really bad. “How about I get you some milk for that muffin, and then some vanilla bars?”

“Sure,” Reiko squealed. She hunched up her legs in front of her, hugged them with one arm, and bit into the muffin. She only winced a little when she jostled some of the fresh scabs and knitting wounds.

Pinkie Pie hurried outside and spotted her old friend Thistlemouth, a chubby goat who loved prickly plants and French theatre, and was thirty-seven days away from her nineteenth birthday. “Hey, I need to get a glass for a customer to go with a crème de cacoa muffin. Mind giving me a hoof?”

Thistlemouth batted her eyelashes. “Anything for you Pinkie.”

Pinkie set down the pail and started milking, while they chatted about Thistlemouth’s kids, the weird magic storms around the everfree forest, and the party she’d thrown to celebrate the war that Equestria didn’t end up having with Gryphonia. She noticed Reiko watching her from the window, face turning pink, left eye twitching, mouth hanging open. She waved and finished up the bucket.

“Say hi to Daisy for me!” Pinkie called over her shoulder. She trotted up the stairs with the bucket in hoof.
Reiko’s legs were crossed. She put her hand on her jaw and gently shut her mouth. A look of mixed nausea and fear quivered across her fat, sweat-soaked face.

“I have the weirdest-“ she bit her lip. “Nevermind. You wouldn’t get it, and just...um, I’m not thirsty anymore.”

Research is Hungry Work

“What part of the Everfree Forest did you appear in?” Twilight Sparkle asked. Her voice faltered a little as another hunger pang hit her. The two-legged deer, or “human” as Applejack called it, was still as scrumptious and feral as ever, but her hunger for raw flesh couldn’t keep up with her hunger for knowledge. At least, not until she got some quail eggs for the sauce.

“A part with a big dark rock, lots of trees, and monsters that tried to eat me?” the animal said, lifting its shoulders and holding out its claws. “Did I say something funny?”

Twilight Sparkle didn’t realize she’d been smiling. “Could you be more specific? I noticed a strange discharge of Everfree background magic a little while ago, and Zecora mentioned it too.” Maybe the events were related. Applejack had said the entire world this creature came from ran a lot like the Everfree Forest. Perhaps the Everfree Forest was actually an encroaching pocket universe, spawned by his reality and subtly weaving into Equestria’s native resonance, like a red shirt turning a load of white laundry pink.

“You’d have to ask Applejack for details,” it said, making a shrug-like motion again.

Stupid human. If she'd know the region, she could compare it with a rough estimate of the UV flash trajectory. This was an incalculable discovery in the field of xeno-thaumaturgy and recent runes, and she needed a better witness than a two-legged deer with a knack for improvised weapons and occasional meat cravings.

"Spike, could you please pull down The Cantacles of Clover the Clever and Rowan Wand's Guide to Resonance Signatures? "

Twilight Sparkle reached out a tendril of magic expectantly. Princess Luna had once told her something about the old pre-equestrian unicorn holidays being tied to natural high points in the background magic flux, like how earth ponies preferred to plant crops at the spring solstice. Maybe there was some deeper, older tradition that Hopestar Eve had been painted over? Where had a she read about a blood mirror being used to gaze out across possible worlds? And where was Spike?

"I said the Cantacles of Clover the Clever and Rowan Wand's Guide to Resonance signatures, Spike." Twilight's telekinetic field remained empty. "Spike?"

"I don't think he's here," the human said. She snorted. Why bother evolving speech if you didn't have anything intelligent to say? And how did they fit a voice box in that cramped little larynx anyway? Surely it would push on the air passages and esophagus a lot, making eating and breathing hazardous. They were curious creatures.

Twilight Sparkle looked up at the bookshelf. She remembered Spike. Spike, who so often went off on harebrained schemes without considering the long-term consequences of them. Spike, who had been asking her about two-legged deer and was oh-so-eager to impress. Spike, a young, vulnerable member of the species that humans hunted for armor back in pre-pony history.

She winked right in front of the two-legged deer's face. It jumped back and bared its stubby fangs in a feral grimace. It might not look dangerous, but they had pit traps where a creature without flight would just die of thirst, they could make spears and knives for hunting dragons out of dead dragons' scales and claws. Any advantage that nature could provide, the humans could usurp and steal. If Spike, who got in over his head when he tried to play with the big dragons or help out Applejack, got hold of the idea that he was going to hunt down the wild human, who would win? A naïve little Draconis Terrarium, coddled by ponies, or a creature that could evade unicorn hunting parties for days on end? She tried to block out the mental image of Spike's polished purple skin stretched and cured into a leather shield.

"Think carefully," Twilight Sparkle said in a low voice, "did any other humans manifest along with you? Did you see or smell any creatures like yourself in the area?"

The two-legged deer backed up against the wall. She didn't notice herself rearing up on two legs to wave a hoof under its nose.

"No, I was all alone okay! Jeeze, what did I do?"

Twilight drew in a deep breath and backed up. She didn't want to scare it away after all. "Sorry, I'm just worried about my s-, about Spike." She probed the sub-thaumic currents with the tip of her horn.

"No problem," he said, easily. Twilight sparkle shuffled her hooves a bit. A hunger pang knifed through her.

"Sorry," she said. She'd still feel better if she knew Spike wasn't looking for wild apex predators to bring home while intercosmic sinkholes perforated the Everfree Forest.

"Um, you've got a bit of drool on your mouth," the creature said. She wiped it away. Yes, there was a good tide for winking in. She reached out into the aether and tugged on a small, dragon-like Signature.

Spike popped up in a flash of purple light, banging his head against empty air.

"-stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid!" He paused and frowned. "Twilight?"

"Are you okay? Did something happen?" Twilight said, uneasily. She didn't often see Spike this angry at himself. She wanted to pat him with a hoof, but maybe that would make him feel awkward, like she was treating him like a little kid. He was a kid, obviously, but sometimes he resented it.

"I'm fine," Spike sighed. "I just tried to...catch..."

He looked up at the two-legged deer. His eyes went wide.

"Could I have the key to that science thingy you strapped Pinkie Pie into?"

Fluttershy's Fishy Business

Fluttershy finished preening the tail feathers of Ishtar, her smallest laying quail. The bird finally hopped off her nest and allowed her eggs to be collected.

"Oh my, you're laying a lot these days, aren't you? I guess that new bulgar wheat feed is agreeing with you."

The bird clucked, maybe not understanding her words, but responding to the warm affection in her voice. The little quail tried to groom Fluttershy's feathers. Most of them were longer than Ishtar's wing, but the adorable thing diligently tickled away. She wondered if it thought she was another quail, or if this showed as much kindness as its little mind could express, or if it just had an instinct to reciprocate grooming. It was warm and living. Fluttershy loved it whether or not the quail could love her back.

Just as she finished filling out Twilight Sparkle's order, Angel came bounding up into her face.

"Oh hello Angel, is something wrong?"

Angel spat a chunk of purple carrot at her. "Did you not like the new carrots? Golden Harvest cross-pollinated them especially for you." She noticed that the skin was barely scratched. Angel had just bitten off this bit to throw it at her. He'd barely tasted it.

"I think you might enjoy them if you just try," Fluttershy coaxed. Angel just let his fear of new things overwhelm him sometimes.

Angel pouted and stamped his feet.

“Please do it for me Angel?” Fluttershy held back the stare. It was a useful expedient, but she didn’t deserve to have that…talent, if she had to use it all the time. Persuasion was better. Never use force when asking nicely can work.
Angel stuck out his tongue.

“I hope you’re not getting too tired out and bored with your surroundings,” she sighed. Fluttershy perked up. “Maybe you need a vacation! You could have a little sleepover with Spike and Owloicious. Would you like that?” Fluttershy leaned in very close and smiled at him.

Angel’s cute little face went blank. He picked up the purple carrot and started digging into it. Fluttershy reached out a wing and patted him on his head.

“There’s a good boy,” she cooed.

Angel finished the carrot, then let out a little hiccup of satisfaction.

“Now aren’t you glad you tried it?” Angel nodded, grudgingly.

Angel paused, looked around to make sure the coast was clear, then reached up and nuzzled her.

A high note echoed through the woods, and Fluttershy recognized the dull brown plumage of Flitter the Greenjay. She stretched up and let him land on her nose.

“Good morning Mr Flitter. How’s the egg coming along?” Mister flitter could lay eggs and had the subdued plumage of a female bird, but he indicated from his courtship displays and general demeanor that he identified as male. He didn’t always present that way, but when mating season came around he would fly over to the windowsill outside her crafting hut so she could dye his feathers a masculine silvery-teal.

Flitter gave her an affectionate nip of greeting, then sang out a familiar seasonal tune.

“Already? Have the beavers set up their dams to minimize the waterfall steepness?”
Flitter chirped in affirmative.

“Did Cloud Kickers put in the floating ramps? Is Lickity Split helping out with the hoof-operated water pumps? Oh, right, Buzzy the buzzard is checking up on the younger river crew.” She’d coordinated migrations and mating seasons before of course, but that had been under close supervision or just with her animal friends.

Ever since they repelled the rebel seapony incursion, Equestria had seen a rise in the piscine population. Maybe the reformed invaders had turned a greater focus on their stewardship of the ecosystem. Maybe it had something to do with pressure from Prince Bloodblood and the Gryffonian ambassador. Whatever the cause, a boom in deep-sea life meant a lot more frantic fish coming upstream, and that meant more coordinated mare-power to manage the situation. It was a bit like the hurricane job, only with some ponies she barely knew asking her for instructions instead of Rainbow Dash watching her back. Fluttershy coughed out a feather, and only then realized she’d been hyperventilating while chewing on her own wings.
Angel rolled his eyes, darted into the bush, and came out with a paper bag. Fluttershy panted into it and let out diminutive screams until she felt better. The work was almost over anyway.

A quick low glide took her across the uneven turf of lemongrass meadows to the point where Salmon Creek widened into a delta. Dozens of low-lying frogs sang in counterpoint to the loons and piping nagas. Swiss Navy Crabs waved their multifunction metallic pincers in territorial displays and minor squabbles while six-headed eels investigated the mud with their adorable dagger-shaped heads. This all served as a mere backdrop for the explosion of life to come.

“Excuse me, Ms. Fluttershy?” a thin, caramel colored stallion with curly pink locks asked. “We’re ready to pull the dike into place.” He indicated his willingness by chomping onto a bit, harnessed to the pulleys on a series of low-hanging silver sluice gates. The song of the wetlands almost drowned out his words.

“I suppose, if you don’t mind me taking the lead and I’m not being too domineering, you can go now,” Fluttershy said. She thought that sounded okay, with only a bit of tremor.

“What?” The stallion asked, digging some swamp mud out of his ear. “Were you talking to me or to Cherry Pie?”
Fluttershy took a deep breath. She remembered Iron Will’s assertiveness training, and then sitting with him through a lecture from Wild Fyre about the difference between assertive, aggressive, passive, and passive-aggressive. The rising tide added its own gurgles and flatulent moans as it churned up alkaline mud and pockets of flammable gas.

“Hit it Sweetstuff!” Fluttershy called out in what was, relatively speaking, a bellow, smacking him on the side for emphasis. He reared up, shaking the weeds from his crème de cacao cutie mark, and signaled to the rest of his earth pony team. They heaved forward and green-grey water started churning.

The impact wasn’t immediate, but the whole course of the creek had begun shifting. A few glowing will-o-whisps propelled their amorphous green forms over to feed on the rising gas and necromantic quasi-magical pulses. In minutes, foam topped the water and she could hear the roar of the approaching salmon. She hurried off to help Blossomforth with the sandcomber beach effort. Maybe she could help them skim the dud eggs off the top layer of churning water when the frenzy had finished.

Something about eggs niggled at the back of Fluttershy’s mind. Hadn’t Twilight Sparkle asked her for a little favor? Part of a magic experiment or tricky recipe?

Angel thumped his foot and pointed at the clock.

“Oh, I’m sorry! Thank you for reminding me of our tight time-table,” Fluttershy said, lowering a wing for him to climb.

Fullness and Hunger

Pinkie Pie lined up the pineapple chunks carefully in the batter and gently bent the neutrinos around it. She liked baking complicated things, but it was harder to get the words to rhyme.

"What rhymes with neutrinos?" she said, in between spurts of humming as the tune bubbled up.

“Doritos? Tangerinos?” Reiko suggested before lapsing into silence. She scratched at the edge of a scab on her arm and then winced. The human girl’s ear looked pretty red and puffy too. If she wouldn’t let Nurse Blueheart look at it, Pinkie would have to borrow some leeches from Fluttershy.

“Are you sure you don’t want to go to the hospital? Only I remember the time when I thought I just got a little scratch but I didn’t want to put any iodine on it, sort of like the caramel and the dentist, but there was a lot of nasty pus near the end. After that I learned to clean up after playing.” Pinkie Pie giggled.

“No hospitals unless it gets really, really bad. I can keep it under control and I’m good at self-applied medicine.” Reiko frowned at her ear in the mirror. That would make a good lyric in a song, Ear in the Mirror, maybe for a bit about the tragic flaws of Van Goat, only she would make it into a more comic piece because she didn’t like tragedy, and Twilight Sparkle said you were actually supposed to pronounce it “Van-“ and then make little noise like you were trying to cough out a bit of fried hay caught in the back of your throat.

Reiko reached up and gave her ear a little squeeze. She didn’t cry or scream, but her face got really tight, like Twilight Sparkle when she was trying to twist the world back into shape inside her head, or like Rainbow Dash pretending she wasn’t afraid of something. It looked a little purple around the edges, like a sugar plum. Most ponies had only heard of Sugar Plumbs in monotheist carols left over from the pre-Hearthwarming winter holidays, but Pinkie Pie got to sugar some for a royal party order. The actual fruit had to be shipped in all the way from Saddle Arabia.

“So, what’s the Pinkie Pie Plan?” Reiko said, smiling wide and leaning over. “Are you going to smuggle me out of Equestria in a party cannon or something?”

“Pff, that would be crazier than Oatmeal!” Pinkie Pie scoffed. What did this human girl thing she was, a unicorn sorcerer? “I’m going to throw a really big PARTY!”

Reiko jumped back and squealed a little. “Oh. Wow.” She vibrated slightly and got a far-away smile, like when Twilight Sparkle sniffed the spine of an obscure First Edition anthology. “That would be really cool. But how would it help my, um, situation? Like, with your friends and stuff? Especially Rarity.”

“Isn’t it obvious?” Pinkie said, twisting open a jar of cold fire to caramelize the edge of the sixth-dimensional strings that aligned to create the illusion of cake batter.

“Well, pretend I’m really slow and bad at making connections,” Reiko said with a little giggle. She barely seemed to notice the seeping around her partially-healed leg wound.

Pinkie Pie shoved the batter into the oven, then pulled it out, turned it around, and stuffed it back in again. “I’m making Pineapple inside-out cake, Neutron pound cake with heavy-water, Genocide-by-Chocolate cake, deep-fried caramel-corn whipped-cream truffles, apple turnovers, and a bunch of other really dense, filling treats, and I’m going to invite everyone over, but in waves, just a trickle at a time, so by the time you’re introduced to everyone they’ll be too stuffed silly to try taking a bite out of you!”

Reiko crossed her legs and frowned at the oven for a while. “Well, it’s not the worst plan I’ve ever heard, and even if it doesn’t work out it would be a great way to go. If I was born in the dark ages I’d have died in childbirth years ago.”

Rarity stared at the table. Beads of sweat pooled her mascara into the corners of her eyes. She drew in a deep breath and let out a controlled, genteel snort.

“I will be strong. I am a Lady of Quality. I am respectable and in control. I am not a slave to biology.”

The bag of apple chips sat there. She slit it open with a razor-focused pulse of magic, levitated out just one, and crunched it up. Then she let the bag drop.

She breathed in and breathed out. She let the last drops of mana ebb away and scraped the floor with her left rear hoof.

“Your move.”

“Whatcha doin sis?” Sweetie Belle squeaked.

Rarity flinched, then regained her composure.

“I’m just doing a little exercise in self-control.” She sighed. She couldn’t believe she lost herself when that…human creature came along. What happened to the plan to use the rarest beast in the world as a sign of true love, or a gateway to a royal harem of stallions and geldings? She couldn’t just snaffle up a prize straight out of song and legend like a codependent changeling or a drooling wyvern.

“Can I help?” Sweetie said, her eyes lighting up. “I mean, if I wouldn’t be getting in the way or bothering you or anything,” she added, averting her eyes and scraping her front hoof on the ground.

“I think it’s more of a one-pony job, but thank you for offering. I just have to master my unicorn urges and get a grip on myself. For example, everypony knows you can’t eat just one apple chip. So I’m going to sit here, after eating the first one, and stare down this bag without eating any more for an hour.” She reached up her tail and settled her false eyelashes into place. “I’m sure I can manage it.”

“Oh. That doesn’t sound very interesting,” Sweetie Belle said apologetically.

“I’m trying to prepare myself in case a very rare chance comes across again,” she said, trying to hide the regret in her heart. Somepony else had probably gobbled the two-legged mutton up, just like she was about to. Still, just like her grandma always said, “one of anything is no use to anyone.” There had to be more…somewhere.

“Well, if you’re not going to eat those apple chips, can I have some?” Sweetie Belle said, reaching out a hoof.

“No, I need the bag here to tempt me. I will be strong!”

Sweetie Belle stared at her for a while.

Rarity stared at the bag of apple chips. Her stomach started growling. She smiled fiercely.
“I can keep this up all day.”

“Uh-huh. I’m going over to visit Scootaloo. I found a new pentagram and some vials of-I mean, we want to try out for crocheting cutie marks.”

Rarity glared at the savory bag of crisp chips. Her blood demanded that she feast and gorge to store up fat for the long, desolate winters. Her body insisted that it needed the savory flesh of fresh prey. Her supremely-honed mind overruled them all. A wanton carnivore was a drooling beast, a crude creature. She was a true lady.

Fascinating Experimentation

“That’s a lot of straps and wires,” the human said. Perspiration built on its nearly-furless skin. She resisted the urge to start licking it for the salt content. Humans gave off lots of delicious salt.

“You’re sure you’re a mammal?” Twilight said. She mixed up a mild sedative unguent while Spike fastened the natural pleather straps and steel manacles. “Only, mammals tend to be a bit more furry, and you don’t have feathers like a gryphon.”

"My mother could tell you I am," the human said. It choked out a little laugh-like cough and continued perspiring, despite the bone-deep chill of the laboratory.

"Well, she's not here so I'll have to make due," Twilight sighed. "Spike, could you bring me the cloth-cutter?"

The human smelled appetizingly afraid. It was amazing how many endocrinological features ponies shared with these eldritch bipeds. She remembered a treatise by Time-Turner the Sage on how, with slight evolutionary changes, ponies might have developed without the ability to vomit or burp, something that remained hopelessly abstract and unprovable. It wasn't so unprovable and abstract, however, after reading Animal Husbandry's postulate on the nature of convergent evolution. The deep-sea Kraken had an eyeball structure remarkably similar to that of earth ponies, and the same cornea structure was mirrored hair, as she could see when she held up a Brownian filter and a green-flame candle to the human's eye.

"Fascinating. Spike, could you take a note?"

She shivered. Frost condensed on her lens. "And please, get me a coat or something? It's really chilly down here."

"It doesn't seem cold to me," the human said.

"Hold your humans already," Spike said, tossing her the cloth cutter. "I'll be right up. Celestia's horseshoes, I should have just gone to Rarity first," he muttered, just on the cusp of hearing.

"What was that?" Twilight snarled. The hunger pangs were making her crabby.

"Nothing. I'll be right down!" Spike yelled over his shoulder.

Twilight locked the instrument over her front right leg and snipped it down the human's "shirt", assuming such a term applied to ape-garments.

"Definitely a mammal!"

The human coughed and tilted his head away. "Maybe it's a bit cold after all."

Fish cascaded up the low waterfalls, helped along where necessary. Fluttershy hovered around, relaying trained commands to her gangs of jays and murders of crows. Everything needed to go smoothly at the spawning. If not, the consequences would snowball and have a devastating effect on the aquatic ecosystem, and Equestria needed strong fish supplies to keep relations with Gryphonia friendly.

Trimmer the Red Jay whistled a pre-arranged tune into her ear. It wasn't long before her eyes confirmed Trimmer's signal. A rising tide of silver and pink rolled up the waterfall.

Trout and salmon trailed sperm and eggs through the frothing water. Hooded monk-fish and even a few sea-popes crowded in at the edges, ready to reproduce asexually by adopting unfertilized eggs. Even a few swordfish, herring, and sheildfish squeezed in through the shining bubbling mass.

"Nature is so fascinating," Fluttershy said, her breath sharp and ragged. She really liked this part. Angel sat next to her for a few more minutes before he went to through up in the bushes.

Fluttershy had been careful to keep her bear, otter and eagle friends away from this event, even though she trusted them to not give in to temptation. She gently glided into the shallows of a nice estuary, where the fish with performance anxiety had pooled around, pretending to really enjoy the algae at the edge of the pond.

Fluttershy snapped thick waxed gloves over her wings once she was safely on the ground. Now time for the tricky part.
She grabbed a sexually-disintrested trout, gentle but firm, and began to squeeze. Once again, she felt like there was something else she was supposed to be taking care of.

Lyra plunged into the thick, curly undergrowth of the everfree forest, wobbling on two legs with a machete gripped between her teeth. She'd only had a minor run-in with a lone Timber Wolf, and that had been easy enough to deal with once you knew their weaknesses and stayed away from the wild zap-apple copses.

Anyway, a pony had to take some risks when she was hunting…the most dangerous game.

Not that she'd actually kill and eat them, she reminded herself. She just wanted to get her blood going with the thrill of the hunt, maybe hog-tie them and scare them a little, and then they'd be in a good mood to talk. Creatures that became an apex predator in certain environments would only respect a new sapient race if they proved they were good hunters too, right?

She reluctantly dropped the machete from her teeth and latched it onto the hoof-handy attachment. She needed her magic free if she wanted be on her guard.

Speaking of magic, Lyra thought. She ducked into the foliage while some clouds of chaos magic whizzed along, pushed by a few untamed phoenixes and a predatory rainbow-serpent.

The Everfree forest was just plain weird sometimes.

Once the danger had passed, Lyra pulled out the most sacred relic from her secret collection of Human Artifacts. She'd traded a clan of vicious lunar faeries ten gallons of fresh mare's milk and a two-gallon jar of wild buckwheat honey for this. It was worth every drop, and the ten weeks afterwards when she'd woke up feeling sore in the leg-pits, and the half-a-year she had spent beforehand cultivating buckwheat flowers and training bees. She wiped a thick layer of sweat from her neck just thinking about it.

Preserved inside a piece of amber, resting in a glass prism filled with heavy water to let it float and spin under the least thaumic influence, was a bone. Specifically, it was a human canine tooth. The molars and front teeth looked a lot more non-threatening and pony-like, but this was enough. Sympathetic magic was a type of magic so old it almost didn't count as magic, and she'd heard of pegasi, donkeys and earth ponies working it, although she hadn't seen it first-hand. It should be no problem for a unicorn.
She levitated the amber inside the prism, making it bob and spin. Once she'd focused her magical grip on it, she pumped a steady psychic pulse into the tooth. She let it float and drift, opening her mind wide until drool warmed her neck.

An echoing pulse vibrated down her horn. She'd managed a resonance lock. Lyra slowly increased the power until the canine spun, it's blood-tipped roots pointing north by north-east. She smiled.

The quarry had emerged. She just wished she'd thought to bring heavier clothing, as she trotted through the tangling thorns and disordered winds howled above her. The Everfree Forest was surprisingly cold for this time of year.

Author's Note

Twilight begins research, Fluttershy oversees spawning, and Lyra goes hunting.

Humans and Nature

“Alright, two royale daisy sandwiches, two strawberry milkshakes, two baskets of hay fries, and a hayburger and shake for the two legged-I mean, the human from South Jersey,” Spike announced.

He heard no response.

Was everything going okay down there? Had the human broken loose? Hadn't he read something about humans with ingenious traps and tools hunting down young dragons to make armor out of their skins? He liked all his skin firmly on his body, were it kept his insides inside.

Then again, maybe Twilight Sparkle hadn't been able to wait long enough. He balanced the silver tray and hurried his steps down the stairs. He'd hate for her to lose a one-of-a-kind specimen that he might still share with Rarity. If he was being completely honest with himself, he still held out some hope for that.

He heard a low roaring, like a wyvern with a bad throat infection, and tiny little scratching noises, like somebody sharpening a flint knife.

The cold air hit him like a kick to the gut. He bit his tongue and coughed. Frigid drafts ripped the moisture from his throat. He almost dropped the tray, he was trembling so hard.

Spike puffed out a little flame to clear the condensation from his body.
This was odd. Very odd.

On the upside, the strawberry shakes would stay nice and cool. He puffed a little hot air over the hayburger to keep it warm for the guest.

The low roar's source became clear when Spike cleared the corner. The human was splayed on the slab with an icicle of drool hanging from its mouth. Its nostril's flared, and there was another low rumbling snore.

The reason why a naked human had fallen asleep in this icy cellar became clear as well. Twilight Sparkle was scratching equations and arcane analogue diagrams on the chalkboard.

"So, with that relativity theory you told me about, I can actually DISPROVE Gorpolot's Fourth Law, and assuming it applies equally and that light isn't just slower and heavier in a low intensity magical field, Clover the Clever's theorem of orbital constancy is a complete load of horse-apples!" Twilight Sparkle said, pausing to rub her hooves together. "This is so exciting! Thank you for telling me this Jamal!"

Twilight Sparkle blinked. The area where she stood was free of frost, probably because of the heat of her frantic exuberance.
Spike poked Jamal in the side. He awoke with a snort.

"What? Oh, yeah, thank you." The human winced in pain as it broke off the icicle from its face. "Why is it so cold in here?"
Twilight Sparkle blinked. "Is it? Sorry. The Pegasi shouldn't have any snowstorms planned this early in the year. Are you sure it's that cold?"

The human covered up his groin and his nipples, teeth chattering. "Yes, it is. C-could you g-get m-me a blanket?"
Spike set down his tray on a work table, between the small-scale morphic resonator and the barometer. He looked at Twilight Sparkle.

"Go ahead, grab him a blanket. I've just been learning so much about the flexibility of what I previously thought to be universal constants!"

"I guess I could grab something," he grumbled, fumbling around and pulling out a wool blanket. He tossed it at the human, who wrapped himself up eagerly.

"By the way, I brought your food." Spike said. Twilight's chalk continued scraping. She didn't so much as nod in acknowledgement.
"You're welcome," Spike added, handing the hayburger to the human en route to Twilight Sparkle. She tended to forget about things like food, sleep, and pain when she was on a really "interesting" project. It was times like these when she really needed her number one assistant.

Before he reached her, the food was levitated directly to her mouth. She licked her lips and burped. She did not stop writing on the chalkboard.

The human bit into the hayburger, then spat it out, coughing. "What's in this?"

"Hay of course," Spike said, rolling his eyes.

"Um, I appreciate the offer, but d-do you have anything else?" The human said, baring its microfangs in a sheepish grin.

"Well, uh, what do humans eat?" Spike asked. Twilight used her magic to snatch up the unfinished burger, included , ew, no, she's not going to…yes, she did eat the part that the human spit out.

Spike shuddered and tried to erase his short-term memory.

Twilight turned around, eyes gleaming. "Humans are omnivores, like bears or dragons. Well, not quite like dragons. They're bio-omnivores, and can't digest stone. But the primal humans trapped rabbits in snares, cooked carrion, foraged for vegetation, and made insects into a nutritious paste."

Jamal the human looked just as grossed-out as Spike felt. "I assure you that I have never eaten bug paste or cooked roadkill."

Twilight frowned. "Well, maybe you've adapted your culture a bit since the indigenous days. Do you still eat fledgling dragon hearts for protein?"

Spike decided this was time to fetch more food.

Fluttershy sorted out the last of the fertilized roe from the dead eggs. Dead roe made excellent food for the tadpoles and triops in the ponds. She looked at the pile of fish, dead from exhaustion, they had netted out of the pond.

Gingerly, Fluttershy picked up the cleaning knife with her wingtip. She had salt and other preservatives ready, along with plenty of iceboxes. Most of the tails would be distributed to pregnant bears, while the lungs tended to be picked for fertilizer because of their minimal nutritive value. Some of her ferret friends had come out, eager to get their share of the harvest.

"Now now, you know that all of this fish has to be distributed fairly," Fluttershy chided.

Some hungry wyverns had slunk up to the pond. She blew on her whistle, and Bulge Biceps showed up to kick them into next week.

The weakest of the wyverns went down from a blow to the neck. Its siblings immediately turned on it, seeking a supply of less-guarded meat. Their paralyzing stingers dived into its open wound, but they fed even before the venom could take full effect.

Nature was so fascinating.

Author's Note

Spike gets a little reminder as to why humans were considered a scary thing outside of unicorn-kind, and we find out how Fluttershy feeds her ferrets.

Killing Frost and Naked Contemplation

Pinkie Pie couldn't hold this party at sugarcube corner, of course. They'd end up packed in nose-to-hoof if they tried that. There would be enough room for the party in the town square, but that might leave things too wide-open to gate crashers. She like and cared about Lemon Hearts and Sweetcream Scoops a lot, but she really didn't want to let them spend time in close proximity to her human friend.

Pinkie Pie looked around, to make sure that nopony was watching her. She snuck into Bush Berry's garden of cherry tomatoes, pulled out an eyepatch, and wedged it between the animal-shaped ceramic plantholders. You never could be too careful.

The trouble was that private places, like Bush Berry's backyard, tended to be rather small and close together, and didn't have a lot of room for big gatherings. The really wide-open places that had room for a significant portion of Ponyville's pony population also tended to be areas where anypony could stumble in, as the Seafoam Swirl incident during Silver Spoon's outdoor birthday party attested. Seafoam Swirl hadn't even tried to gobble anyone up, and had calmed down once kind ponies took her to a place where she could metabolise the seaweed until the “hairy scorpions big as your arm” went away.

Pinkie snuck through a few more private backyards in her catsuit and night-vision goggles, just to keep in practice. She stopped just outside Lemon Hearts's patio to serenade her struggling lemon tree sapling and watched the leaves perk up. That mare was really determined to do things all by her lonesome, but a little spot of earth pony mojo couldn't hurt.

She had almost completed her circuit of other ponies' backyards when she felt a cold hoof on the back of her neck. Pinkie almost screamed when she turned around. The sun's glare reflected off a sleek black visor. Labored breathing whistled in and out of a wide dark-green nozzle.

“It's a good thing I found you here,” Golden Harvest said, pulling off her compost-technician gas mask. “You're friends with Rainbow Dash, right?”

“Of course, silly filly!” Pinkie Pie said. She put a companionable hoof around Golden Harvest's back. “I'm friends with everypony!”

“Well then, could you please please PLEASE tell Rainbow Dash to keep a closer eye on the weather? She must have let some nasty cold fronts in from the everfree, because my entire patch of Atlas-top carrots has been devestated by a killing frost! The three-meter high carrot fronds are practically a maze of unintentional abstract ice sculptures, and it's so thick with chilly mists that Wildfyre's gotten lost in them! I swear to Nightmare Moon if Rainbow Dash can't get a grip on her weather patterns, she can just FORGET my offer to give her some cloud-customized sky carrot seeds.” She sniffed.

“That's it!” Pinkie Pie squealed. “The maze outside of ponyville!”

She dashed off, making a mental note to ask Rainbow Dash about the unseasonal cold front when she dropped off the invitation.

It was almost dusk when Fluttershy got back from the spawning grounds. She had the nagging sense that she'd forgotten something. She made sure to seperate the eggs, she decanted the right ones into smaller pools, she'd overseen everyone storing the remains of the fish for later use. Everything was right on time.

“Have I forgotten to take care of something Angel?” Fluttershy said.

Angel glared. He pointed at the horizon, then at a magpie nest, then at the quail coop.

“Dusk nest coop?” Fluttershy said.

Angel groaned.

“Please don't be impatient with me,” Fluttershy said, patting his ears.

“Why did you scare off Spike like that? I told you we don't even have dragons in New Jersey, and it's certainly not from killing them all off! Anything dragon-like died off millions of years before the first human was born.”

Twilight opened her mouth to explain. Nothing came out. Her brain stalled and she was speechless.

The weird creature from another world had a good point. She'd gotten so caught up in all of the ramifications of this, in exploring the legends and the possiblities of another cosmos, that it had all become completely academic. She'd thought about famous feasts that changed the course of nations. She'd thought about fantastic biology and theoretical technology. She'd gone on about a lot of things while forgetting that, in the same room with her, was a dragon who still sometimes sucked his thumb and had nightmares for a week when she told him the story of the headless horse.

“I wasn't thinking,” Twilight Sparkle said. Her stomach roared, barely sated by the snacks that Spike had brought her. Her number-one assistant always took care of her when she let scholarly enthusiasm run away with her.

The human stared at her. It blinked those beady, disturbingly small, yet pony-like eyes. “Ah, well.”

The human looked down at his restraints, and his extremities. “Can I have some clothes now?”

Twilight blinked. “Why?”

“Because I'm naked?” he said, after a long pause.

“So? I'm naked too,” Twilight Sparkle said, waving her tail and spinning around. “I know your bodies are mostly hairless, but you said you've got internal climate control and most of your habitations are at least in the temperate zone.”

“It's just...we don't like being naked. It's a thing animals do and people don't, unless you're taking a bath or having, you know, intimate relations.” He coughed. This caused part of his anatomy to fluctuate. She wondered how his larynx was set up to do that.

“I'm sure Rarity could stitch up something for you,” Twilight Sparkle mused. “I'm sure she'd like to design a dress for a creature from another world, assuming she doesn't get hungry first.”

“What was that?” Jamal said, fiddling with the restraining straps.

“Oh, nevermind.” That's when it hit Twilight Sparkle. The Otherworld Corridor! She'd have to channel some of the energy through Tartarus, but she could perform a full cleansing ritual before and afterwards. It could still bring her into contact with matter from another universe! She'd just need some, well, rather odd materials, and something rich and iron.

“Good news! I just figured out the spell that can help me solve your problem. I'll need a little help from you, though. Which hand do you write with?”

Author's Note

Pinkie Pie snoops around everypony's backyard and Twilight Sparkle discovers a spell solution.

The Hunt, The Costume, and the Numbing

Lyra shook her tooth-jar furiously. She'd been hot on the trail of something that lit up the dismbodied tooth like Summer Sun Celebration fireworks, and licked the savory blood from a few razor leaves that tasted sweeter than prized champagne. She'd picked up hints of uric acid, fresh human spore amongst the tracks, and then it had all gone wrong.

The tooth stubbornly pointed away from the copperhead tracks and human footprints, back towards ponyville. What kind of sense did that make? What bizarre motivation would drive the humans towards a unicorn-intensive population and away from the safety of the trees that monkey-like creatures love so much?

Right here, a new sign appeared in the trail. It was broad and clawed, like the track of a bear or a large wolf, but there were no parallel sets of tracks.

The thick tree canopy cut off most of the natural light. Something screamed in the middle-distance, but its voice cut off with a strangled gargling noise.

Lyra reconsidered the wisdom of pressing her quarry any further. Maybe it was time to find a safe spot and set up camp for the night.

She hoped that she could find her human specimin when it was still alive and in one piece. A few gnawed bones would not be very exciting now.

Pinkie Pie shook her head. “No, the streamers need to be much higher. Like this!” She stretched her neck out a few meters.
Reiko jerked back from Pinkie Pie with a wince. “Some how it's less funny and more disturbing in person,” she said, with a grimace.

“What do you mean?” Pinkie asked, twisting her head upside down.

Reiko shuddered. “Never mind. I'll just get along with sketching the party plans for you. It sure is handy to have fingers,” Reiko said, wiggling her fingers and grinning.

“Yup, they are pretty useful,” Pinkie Pie said, nodding.

Reiko stared at her for a few seconds and cupped a hand to her ear, then resumed drawing.

Pinkie dove into the trunk of theatrical supplies she'd dragged up from the basement. There were sparkly fake-gold half-masks from Spirit of the Theater-pit, and fabulous costumes with sequins and fake fur. There were nightmare-moon paper-mache masks and an ornate ivory mask of Princess Celestia.

Pinkie Pie rummaged a little further until she found the packed-up outfits from the Hearthwarming's Eve play. It sure was fun being at center stage in the royal theatre, and making everypony laugh with pompous antics and hypocritical humor.

“Did you ever perform on stage? I was Puddinghead,” Pinkie said, by way of explanation and to connect with the subject on a personal level.

“My parents don't like me doing public things,” Reiko said, distantly. “It draws too much attention.”

“That's too bad,” Pinkie Pie said. She liked getting attention! Everyone needed somepony to pay attention to them now and then.
Pinkie Pie bounded over to Reiko with one of the Hearthwarming's Eve costumes and gave her a one-legged hug. “I like you're hair, and you're fun to be around.”

Reiko shuddered, then squeezed Pinkie back tighter than an anacondagator. “Thank you. That really means a lot to me.”
Pinkie Pie froze. Reiko sniffed back and wiped her eyes.

“I'm not crying you know,” she said. “It's just hard to see these little lines.” After a few seconds, she added, “What's that costume?”

“Can't you tell, silly filly?” Pinkie Pie said. The outfit was long and shiny-white, with pale blue streaks painted on. Strips of orange and blue foil around the hoof-cuffs made it look like the feet were on fire, and some underwiring made the costume's middle look abnormally emaciated, even on a portly actress. The best part was the mask, though. It was long and translucent and white, a bit like a horse skull and a bit like a ghostly mime. Panes of bluish-green glass made it hard to see the performer's eyes,, and long streamers on the back fluttered and flapped in the slightest breeze. A bronze tube in the mouthpeice would reverberate to make the smallest voice sound loud, hollow, and echoing, as if coming from an icy cave.

“It's a Windigo costume!”

“Is this going to hurt?” Jamal asked.

“It will hurt more if you don't stop squirming,” Twilight Sparkle said. She tightened the straps on Jamal's hand a bit to minimize the chance of missing the vein, then squeezed the excess bumblethorn venom out of her syringe. “I just need to give you a little Painlessness Potion.”

“Um, is that addictive at all?” the human said, eyeing the needle. “I just ask because I was on painkillers for a while, and it, um, didn't go well for me. That was back when I was with the wife of course,” he bit his lip.

“Don't worry your fuzzy little head,” she said. “It's not addictive.” She poked the thin needle right between his knuckles. Jamal bit back a squeal of pain. “Just relax. It'll be over really soon.”

“Is this necessary?” Jamal said. “I mean, can't you just take a little skin sample to get my DNA?”

Twilight Sparkle pulled out the Drol Emit Guide to Morphic Resonance and waved the color diagram in front of the human's face. “Well if I was only working with regular genetics, I could pluck one of your hairs, but breaching the intercosmic voids requires operation in advanced quantum genetics.” She stuck out her tongue in concentration. “Let me know when your hand feels numb. I don't want to cause any unnecessary suffering.”

Jamal increased his respiration and perspiration. These humans sure were a nervy lot.

“Isn't most suffering unnecessary?”

Twilight's tummy rumbled. “That depends on what philosophy you subscribe to.”

Twilight lifted up a silver-engraved tool that would look, to the layman, kind of like a cross between a tofurkey baster and a can opener. She could hear Jamal's heart thudding as she brought it close to his wrist.

There was a tentative knock at the basement door.

“Um, T-Twilight? I g-got you some nachos. I thought you m-might still be hungry.”

Twilight looked guiltily at Jamal.

“Are you okay if I leave you alone here for just a bit?”

Jamal sighed. “Yeah. You need to make up some ground with him.”

She placed the book on morphic resonance in his free hand. “You can educate yourself on metamagic and cosmic principles while you wait!”

“Joy,” Jamal said, with a lifeless expression.

Core Sample and Finger Food

Jamal kept his eyes shut. He squeezed them even tighter and bit his lip. He wouldn't scream.

“Just tell me when you're done,” he gasped out.

Twilight finished cleaning the needle and looked down at the tense human. “Relax, Jamal. I did it twelve seconds ago.”

He half-opeend one eye. “But I didn't feel a thing after the topical anesthetic.”

Twilight Sparkle gently patted his torso with her hoof. “That's the idea.”

She dabbed the spot with a sealing potion in a cotton swab, then applied a thin bandage to his hand.

The spongey hot-pink and orange-yellow tissue filled up the glass syringe like an enchantment aura. It looked superficially identical to pony marrow, but she'd have to run tests to be sure. The world contained so many wonders at the microscopic level.

“Would you like to see the tissue sample?” Twilight asked, waving the syringe in his face. He snapped his eyes shut again and jerked against the restraints.

“Oh God no! I mean, no thanks. I'd just like to be unstrapped from this table.”

“Sure thing. Let me just get this sample into the morphic resonance cauldron while it's fresh.” Twilight trotted over to her cast-iron thaumaturgical equipment, opened the syringe, and dropped the still-warm bone marrow into the charmed dry ice with a burst of fog.

Twilight Sparkle undid the straps and helped Jamal up from his resting place. “Now, that hand will feel numb for several hours, and there's a soreness that might persist for a few days when the numbing wears off. Drink plenty of milk and get lots of spinach and you should be alright, okay? Just let me know if the pain gets intense.”

Jamal shook both his hands. “I thought you couldn't use anesthesia for bone marrow removal, in case you severed a nerve. Also, shouldn't I feel cold and pressure?”

Twilight Sparkle jumped back. She'd heard of some griffons and dragons doing rather barbaric medical practices for want of advanced magic, but this was too horrifying to contemplate.

“Oh Celestia no! That can't possibly be right!”

She shivered. “I'm going upstairs for some hard cider. Do you want anything?”

Jamal wiggled the fingers of his left hand curiously. “No, I'm good.”

Reiko stretched out all three of her arms in a big yawn, then flinched and pulled into a tight little ball. She opened her eyes and stretched out again. She breathed a deep sigh of relief.

“Are you alright?” Pinkie Pie said.

“Yeah, sure,” Reiko said, in a way that made Pinkie Pie sure she wasn't alright, but also made her just as sure that Reiko would never tell her a thing until she was good and ready.

“Do you want me to get some help from Twilight Sparkle to fix those extra magical growths later? I mean, once we've solved the problem and made sure she won't eat you.”

Reiko frowned and flexed her reptillian fist thoughtfully. Growths was an odd word. It was one of those things that sounded less like a real word the more you said it.

“Growth growth growth growth growth,” Pinkie Pie said.

Reiko gripped another jar of pickles with her right hand and twisted it open with the dragon-like arm. “I might stick with this one, actually. It's a lot better at opening jars, it's a little stronger, and it types faster.” She frowned and scratched, loosening a few dead scales. “I could do with something for the scale rot though.”

Pinkie Pie frowned. Spike sometimes used teatree oil or advocado poultice when he had a hide problem. She wasn't sure if that would work for the magically-altered limb. Still, at least the itchy flowers had fallen out after a while. Reiko said she didn't mind the neon-colored stripes that had turned up on her body, and her temperature had gone down to normal. Pinkie Pie still thought she should see a magic doctor as soon as the clever plan made peace with everyone.

“Wanna see my finger food?” Pinkie Pie said.

Reiko leaned over. Pinkie Pie showed her the tray of specialty strawberry-filling chocolate cupcakes.

Reiko jerked back. “Are those fresh? Did you...those aren't real, are they?”

Pinkie Pie blinked. “They're real cupcakes.”

Reiko stared again. “They're not real hands?”

Pinkie Pie laughed at her. “Of course not, silly filly. Where would I get them? I'm just very good with colored frosting.”

Reiko stared harder. “You even got the knuckle ridges, and how did you get that torn fingernail to look real?”

“Translucent buttercream,” Pinkie Pie said with pride. “Now I want you to help me finish the severed bear's head.”

Author's Note

Twilight Sparkle extracts the tissue sample for her spell.
Pinkie Pie shows off her creativity with colored frosting.

Nervous Dragons and Shy Humans

Twilight Sparkle trotted up to Spike's cot. She had to wait a few more hours for an auspicious time to cast the spell. Spike had buried his face in a comic, but his tail was curled defensively and his toe-claws dug into the bedding.

“How's my number one assistant doing?” Twilight Sparkle said gently.

Spike mumbled something that might have been “fine”.

“Anything interesting happening in Maretropolis?”

“Humdrum got himself in trouble again,” Spike said in a listless voice. “The Power Ponies cornered Minister Sinister, but they had to stop to save Humdrum from a seven-headed Serpent of the Sacred Grove. He got away on a holy gliding cobra while they tried to figure out which head had swallowed him and cut him lose before he reached the main stomach.”

“That's quite a plot development,” Twilight Sparkle said. She wasn't always the best at social cues, but something suggested that Spike wasn't really concerned about recent events in a comic he'd reread a dozen times.

Twilight Sparkle let the silence stretch out a little. Cold breezes ruffled the leaves of the library.

“Ever think about Nightmare Moon?” Spike said.

“Well, of course,” Twilight said, wrong-hoofed by the sudden shift in topic. “I helped redeem Princess Luna with the elements of harmony after all.”

“I mean, the idea of Nightmare Moon. I know you've fought off a lot of tough bad guys and ravenous monsters,” Spike waved at the recently updated copy of Twilight Sparkle's Fearsome Folio, “but those were real, normal things like power-hungry unicorn despots and bears and manticores.”

“So what makes Nightmare Moon that much worse than the primordial spirit of chaos or a cranky Ursa Minor?” Twilight Sparkle said.

“She was 'just an old pony's tale',” Spike said, making finger quotes and rolling his eyes at the innocence of his past self. “She was a way of explaining the odd shape of shadows in the moon, or a story you told little foals when they were greedy or mean.” He turned a page of the comic without looking at it, or meeting Twilight Sparkle's eye. “Now it turns out she was real, in a big, scary way. She tried to switch of the sun.” He scratched at the wicker-work of his cot. “I'm not stupid. I can guess what would happen if there was no light all the time. Everything gets colder, plants stop growing, and everything would fall apart, like in that Hearth Warming Eve play.”

“Well, we beat Nightmare Moon,” Twilight Sparkle said, patting him with a hoof, and not sure where Spike was going with this.
“I remember back at Canterlot, Moon Dancer told me about human battle engines. As soon as they figured out how to make wheels, they could cart around big, heavy, nasty things. They used creeper vines soaked in copperhead venom like giant rubber bands, and string and wood, and dragon gallstones, so they had these huge contraptions that could launch weapons too big for any one human to lift. They kept the weapons out of spellcasting range, and the flaming gallstones were charged with too much dragon magic for a unicorn spell to shift them, and that's how they broke down Hopestar Tower!” He flung the comic book away.

“How can you feel safe around something like that? How do a bunch of hairless monkey-rats smash a big castle that stood up to a changeling seige?” He stood and looked out the window. “I thought Moondancer was just making up a story to scare me, or maybe to explain why the original Platinum Empire broke up. You know how snobby some of those canterlot unicorns can be,” he said with a sigh. “But Nightmare Moon is real, and humans are real. So why can't a castle-breaking battle machine that throws flaming chunks of dragon be real?” He blew his nose on a corner of blanket. “Suppose they've all been working away in this scary place on the far side of Tartarus, where everyone fights each other to stay alive and locks up elders with glacuoma, building bigger, scarier, cleverer machines?”

Twilight Sparkle walked around to face Spike, moving slow enough so he could wipe his eyes and pretend he hadn't been crying.
“Does the human downstairs have any giant war machines or scary tools?” Twilight Sparkle said.

“No,” Spike sniffled.

“Did a whole army of screaming humans with necklaces of unicorn-horn and dragonteeth spears come charging out of the Everfree Forest to burn ponyville to the ground?”

“I guess not,” Spike said, mixing nervousness with stubborn sulk.

“Even if a thousand humans came charging out of the Tartarus portal with demonskin shields and individual brimstone catapults, loaded with acid-filled hydra bladders, do you think I'd like them harm a single scale on my little hatchling's head?” Twilight said, giving him a reassuring nuzzle.

“C-cut it out!” he said, trying not to smile. “I'm not little anymore.”

The doorbell rang.

“Why don't I get this one,” Twilight Sparkle said. “And here's some more...comfortable reading,” she added, levitating a copy of The Tales of Clover the Clever into his hands, one with woodcut illustrations.

Fluttershy waited in front of the door and thought about knocking. It was just possible that Twilight Sparkle had heard the doorbell, and she would answer soon. She'd hate to sound impatient. Anyway, she was the one that was late, forgetting all about the quail eggs and other little delicacies her dear friend Twilight Sparkle had asked her for.

The door snapped open. Twilight Sparkle poked her head out. She looked...different. There was something about the way she held her tail, or something desperate in her eyes. She'd gotten a bit odd like this when she decided to moniter everything, or when she wanted to create a friendship lesson so that Princess Celestia wouldn't fail her.

“Is everything alright? I'm sorry that I didn't get here earlier, but I was taking care of the spawning cycle. N-not that I'm trying to make excuses or anything. I'll get you something else to make it up to you, I mean, if that's what you want. I hope that's okay.”

“Oh it's fine,” Twilight Sparkle laughed. “I'm just glad that you could do me a favor. I was so lost in my research I didn't even remember.”

“Y-your sure it's okay?” Fluttershy asked.

“Of course. These quail eggs will make an,” she wiped her mouth with a hoof, “excellent sauce.”

“Is that Fluttershy?” a strange voice called from within the tree-library.

Fluttershy blinked. It didn't sound like a pony voice, or a donkey, or a dragon. If it was another pony, she would fly away as fast as she could, but this sounded like a new creature.

“Um, hello?” Fluttershy said softly.

A strange biped poked its head up from the basement. It tottered towards her on two legs, without tail to balance it. It had short, blunt shiny claws, forlegs that ended differently than its hindlegs, and a very dark brown nearly-hairless skin.

“Hi, I'm Jamal,” the animal said. “I'm a human, from New Jersey.”

Fluttershy goggled.

“It's very shy. I'll see if he can talk to you later. Right now we have some very important experiments to conduct,” Twilight Sparkle said.

She slammed the door shut.

Author's Note

Spike contemplates the nature of fiction and reality, and advanced human combat. Fluttershy drops of the ingredients for a special sauce.

Twilight's Amazing Spell

Twilight Sparkle visualized the green flame of necromancy, floating in the cosmic void. She turned away from it, and from the lamp of illusion, the crystal of conjuration, and the lidless eye of enchantment. She dug her hooves into the floor, opened her eyes, and focused on the opal bowl.

The bone marrow floated in the suspension of lead-saturated heavy water. She had to focus to push her power through the spell-resistant nullifiers.

“What's she doing now?” Jamal the human asked. He took another bite of the roasted carrot-dog.

“She's still working on the spell,” Spike said. “it's really complicated magic.” He munched some of his own roasted-carrot-in-a-bun.

Twilight Sparkle channeled just enough energy to set the quantum genetic sample on a good fifth-dimensional spin. To the outside observers, it would appear to vibrate while flickering in and out of existence.

“It doesn't look like she's doing anything much. Shouldn't she be murmuring incantations or drawing symbols in chalk?”

Twilight Sparkle imagined the tunnel, existing at a 45 degree angle to everything, and tilted the edge of the bone marrow that she couldn't see into it. Lines of morphic energy radiated out from the tissue. She focused on the one that shone brightest.

Oh Cerberus, Guardian of Tartarus, sentinal of the netherworld and servitor of Luna, grant me entry into your domain.

The spell wavered. For a moment, everything flared green and red as she channeled the Nether Powers and Old Sorcery. She blinked away tears and wiped soot from the corner of her eyes.

“Did you just see that? That was...spooky.”

“She's just tapping into some really serious magic. It can get a bit dark, but as long as she concentrates she should be able to handle it.” Spike sighed with pride. “I'm working for the number one magician in all Equestria, remember?”

Twilight Sparkle pushed the spell forward again.

Remember Fluttershy? I'm her friend.

The unseen beam flickered with dark light as Cereberus hung it on its own infernally-charged life force.

“Anyway, Twilight explained to me that unicorn magic doesn't work with a lot of chants and runes. Most of the real work is stuff you can't see, going on inside the spellcaster's head. It's like the difference between painting a beautiful fresco and smacking the wall with a brush.”

Twilight Sparkle wove the energy line, enhanced by her own magic, and ducked it between the different hellscapes: the Augua demi-demons of winter, Prince Stolas the cruel, and the infinite cocoon wherein the still-living heart of Chernobog was chained. It was a bit like playing horseshoes with a horseshoe made of blasting gel, while you were on fire, but she managed to get past the eternal cage of Tirek with only slight abrasions, and the nightscape of the windegoes offered no resistance at all. Sweat stung her eyes and she suddenly felt a twinge of unseasonal estrus cramps while tasting pickle juice. She'd had bio-magical feedback before, but this was odd. It was exhausting, painful, and so much fun!

“So it's mainly about concentration?”

Twilight's lifeline wavered. She heard the mocking laughter of the goat-lord and felt a thousand needle claws of the child-stealing Nightstalkers. They couldn't harm her, probably, but if they got a hold of it they could sever her energy knot and force her to start the spell all over again.

“Yeah, she needs to focus really really hard.”

Twilight Sparkle's vision of the imaginary tunnel was almost eclipsed by a great flaming eye.

“That's what I'm trying to do!” Twilight hissed through gritted teeth. “Spike, would you please go upstairs and mix the quails egg sauce from the recipe book? The kind that goes with two-legged deer?”

“Right, sorry,” Spike said, finishing off his carrot, giving her a conspiratorial wink and thumbs up before he ran upstairs.

Twilight reinforced her thread of energy. She pushed it through the nine circles until she reached the shifting, polyplanar horrors at the periphery of Tartarus.

“Two-legged deer? I though that ponies were vegetarians?”

“It's a euphamism, and earth ponies are the vegetarians,” Twilight grunted. This part of the spell was a bit like trying to thread a needle, only the thread was six-dimensional, the eye of the needle occupied a vibrating pocket-universe of looped time, and you weren't even allowed to moisten the thread with saliva so it would go through easier.

“So, then, what does it-”

The seventh plane vibrated with thaumic backlash.

“Please, please, please either keep quiet or get out!” Twilight hissed. She had enough to concentrate on without thinking about ripping out the human's tongue and pickling it for later consumption. Maybe she could even check up that recipe for sauteed human tongue with curried-

The energy field wobbled. The planar boundary contracted.

Twilight sighed. As exciting as humans were, magic was more fascinating and had better rewards.

After what felt like a day of channeling and straining, Twilight Sparkle broke through the end of Tartarus. She sealed it after her and hurled through the void, passing by the ever-hungering ones in the dark, plunging down a white hole, and shooting her magic into the swirling cosmos.

She saw the birth of a blue sun, and the death of a giant, blood-red star. Tiny dots swirled in her vision, and she passed what looked almost like a giant pony before zeroing in on some matter in the void.

With a scream like a colt getting gelded, Twilight Sparkle finished the spell and yanked back her prize through the ether.

“Ta-dah!”

She waved at the opal container of heavy-water. The bone marrow was gone.

“So, you zapped away the sample I gave you?” The human sounded disappointed, even annoyed.

“I used it to fuel the spell so I could reach into the inter-planar corridor of energy, and I was able to bring something back from the other side!”

Jamal blinked. “I don't see anything in there.”

“Of course, silly me,” Twilight Sparkle said. She brought up the series of magnifiying lenses and focused them at the right point.
There was a perfectly-visible speck at the center of it.

“What's that?”

“It's something from your universe, a mote of matter about the size of a smoke particle! It might be within a dozen light-years of your home. Isn't that great?”

“Smoke? Light-years?” The human hung its jaw open. It stared at her, then at its bandage, then back at her.

“Sauce is almost ready!” Spike called down.

Author's Note

Twilight Sparkle performs a highly complex but rewarding piece of magic on Jamal's behalf.

Falling Out Among Non-Friends

“Are you serious?” the human shouted.

Twilight Sparkle rubbed her forehead. “It's a twelth-level metastatic spell! I'd like to see you do better on your first try with a void-peircing reverse summon.”

“Well I can't try that, because I'm not the most magical unicorn that ever lived!” the human gasped out, thrusting its five-fingered hands at the sky.

“Well, I wouldn't say I'm the most magical,” Twilight Sparkle said, clearing her throat to cover the confusion between anger and embarassment. “Anyway, it's a start isn't it?”

“It's a speck of smoke from outer space,” Jamal groaned. He proped his awkward, tailless body up against the wall and stared at the jar she had worked so hard on.

“But it's from your outer space,” Twilight Sparkle said. “Look, I'm trying my best, two-legged human. If you'll just stay a while, there's so much we could learn about each other!”
Jamal rubbed his eyes. “I'm kind of not ready to get poked and prodded? Anyway, I've learned plenty of things about you every saturday with my daughter.” He frowned an ugly, suspicious frown. “If you can't get me home, maybe somebody else can.”

“It's not all that bad,” Twilight said. “You can read some of my books while you're staying here!”

“What is a two-legged deer, exactly?” Jamal said. He took a step towards the jar.

“I told you, it's just a euphamism,” Twilight Sparkle said. She tried to remember if she'd left any of her cookbooks open.

Spike came down the stairs, carrying the mixing bowl in one claw and a cooking diagram with choice cuts highlighted in the other. “Do you want me to put it on him right now, or should we section up the two-legged dear into cuts first?” Spike said.

Twilight Sparkle glared at him and resisted the urge to telekinetically smack him upside the head. The human's pupils shrank and it stared at Spike with a rictus of feral terror.

“Did I say something wrong?” Spike said, looking at them each in turn.

Twilight Sparkle charged up her horn. The human grabbed the jar and tried to run.

She was faster than him. She jerked its ankle up ten feet off the ground. The human was fast enough to grab a book from one of the high shelves on his way up.

“Spike, put that sauce down. Set up a roasting pit, and drag out the grill with draining sides. Human blood is too valuable as a spell component to waste in basting.”
The human thrashed and kicked at the air. Spike stood motionless and lifted an eyebrow.

Twilight wiped some drool away. “Sorry, please set up a roasting pit, Spike, my number one assistant.”

“Sure thing Twi!” Spike said with a little salute.

“Did you know that my telekinesis can hold over five tons of living flesh?” Twilight Sparkle said. “It's actually easier to levitate living things than non-living matter, although the spell can be forced back with a very strong will, but I'm pretty sure that your will isn't strong enough.” She coughed. She probably shouldn't have told it that part. She jerked the ankle around to make it scream and stop it from resisting her.

“This book looks pretty important,” the human said, trying to sound casual through the pain. She hadn't heard the pop of a dislocated joint, so it couldn't be that bad. Still,she spread her manipulative field a little wider, to support the whole human's body. Certain types of injuries could spoil the meat.

“Of course it is, you stupid brute. It's a first-edition vellum chronicle of-”

Rip.

Twilight's heart skipped a beat. She looked up the human. It had tucked the jar under one arm, leaving a hand free to dig it's dirty blunt-clawed fingers into the fine aged vellum.

“W-what are you doing? What in Celestia's name are you doing to that book?” Twilight screamed. The world flickered green with a red heart.

“You can't scare me with that little glowy-eyes mojo,” the human snarled. Its fingers jerked the page a little more. There was a slight tearing.

“Put that book right back this instant, or I...or I'll-” Twilight Sparkle stammered. Cold sweat soaked through her coat.

“Or what? I don't think there's much you can do that's worse than anything that will happen to me anyway,” it sneered. Its eyes lit with evil pleasure. “I think you should put me down.”

“Now take it easy, human. That's a very important book. There are healing spells in that text that haven't been found in any other-”

R-rip!

“My name is Jamal,” the human said. It ripped a little further, and flung something down at her face. Twilight Sparkle screamed. Her throat seized up. Who would do this to a book? What would do this to a first-edition spellbook?

She extended a little telekinetic power to catch the page. Thank Celestia, he'd carefully removed it close to the edge. It was ragged, but none of the actual text was damaged.

She realized she hadn't been breathing since she screamed. She hugged the paper as close as she could without bending or cracking it, then snapped open a glass case and shut the page inside it.

Twilight Sparkle's knees trembled. She wanted to stuff this creature with sage and onion, roast it over a slow flame, bite off the tenderest portions and then MAYBE start to kill it, if it apologized.

Twilight took in deep breaths. She needed to calm down. She couldn't panic.

He started ripping the next page.

“Please, please Jamal oh for the love of Celestia stop!” Twilight squealed.

“Let me down,” Jamal said, “and if you try to just drop me I'll land on this jar, cracking it open and soaking the book.”

Twilight Sparkle spent the next three minutes gently drawing him down to the floor.

“Open the door”, he said, twisting a page in his hand.

She kicked the door open.

“Just get out! I didn't want to finish your stupid spells anyway!”

The human sprinted out and slammed the door behind itself, without letting go of the book.

“I've got the roasting pit ready!” Spike called.

Twilight collapsed on the floor and started sobbing.

“What's wrong?”

Author's Note

Jamal and Twilight Sparkle come to a disagreement over the best way to resolve his problems. Also, property damage occurs, and Spike says a little too much.

Falling Shy and Uroc Bones

Fluttershy walked away slowly from the Golden Oaks library. She always liked meeting new animal friends, and that was a wilder and more fantastic creature than she'd ever seen. What kind of beast could walk on two legs without a balancing tail? It could talk too! It was just like meeting Spike all over again.

She stopped to see a poster stuck to a post just outside the library.

“MASQUED MYSTERY PARTY! Come in costume! Stay the night in the Big Maze! Enjoy Cake and Cocktails, Games to Play, and meet Ponyville's newest visitor from afar!”
She sighed. Pinkie Pie always made these parties sound so fun and inviting. Fluttershy avoided any get-together with more than her five closest friends, but a Pinkie Party was so good.

Sometimes she even tried to go out to one. The laughter and music sounded so good, but they sounded a little scary at the same time. The closer she got, the harsher the lights were, the less friendly the voices sounded. Sometimes she'd even force herself to go up to the table, grab a cracker with cheese or a sip of cider, and try to talk to somebody. She could hover near them, look at them, then mumble something about going to the bathroom to nobody in particular, then fly off as soon as she was out of sight, shivering and hating herself.

Fluttershy was disturbed from this reverie by something calling her name. She turned around and saw the human running up to her.

“C-could you take me home? Just for a little while.”

Fluttershy blinked. She pawed the ground. “Oh, hello human! I thought you were staying with Twilight Sparkle.”

The human looked over its shoulder. It was sweaty and its eyes were wide when it looked back. “Not anymore.”

She waited. The human didn't elaborate.

“Well, I suppose I could take you in for a little while,” Fluttershy said, trying not to sound to excited. Excessive enthusiasm could scare away vulnerable animals, and this human reminded her of a lemming in a grove filled with foxes. “Would you like that?”

The human wrapped its arms around her and almost lifted her off her feet.

The human let go of her, straightened up, and coughed nervously. “Um, yes. That would be very nice. Maybe you could just, not tell your friends about it? For a while?”

“Oh don't worry, it's nice and quiet at the edge of the woods.” She reached up a hoof and patted the human on the small of its back. “Just please get on if you don't mind.” She knelt down. “You know how to ride, don't you?”

The human sat awkwardly on her. “Maybe?”

“Please hold on tight," she said. She straightened up and flapped her wings.

A warm, wet feeling spread down her back. Fluttershy heard the scream and felt her burden grow much lighter.

Reiko cut the eye-pattern for the last indigo paper chain.

“Thank you so much,” she said, with a long sigh.

Pinkie cocked her head. “Why are you thanking me? You're helping me with this.”

Reiko nodded and picked at her bite scabs with the reptilian arm. “Yes. I'm helping you, Pinkie Pie. I'm helping you plan a Pinkie party. That's what I'm grateful for.”

This human was very strange. “Well, thank you for helping me to help you help me.” She giggled. “Fingers sure are handy for preparing parties.”

Reiko snickered. “I get it.” She scratched at some of her stitches and surveyed the assemble bright balloons, streamers, and games. Reiko sure was an eager worker when it came to fun things.

“Sure you don't want to visit nurse redheart to have that looked at?” Pinkie Pie said, gently.

“I'm used to doing needle and thread work on myself,” Reiko said with a laugh.

She looked up at Pinkie expectantly. “Can we ice the cupcakes now?”

Applejack groaned, turned over, and covered her ears. She'd just been disturbed from a very nice dream involving a pair of royal geldings, an all-male cheerlading squad, and a swimming pool full of applesauce.

Pots and pans were clanging. Granny Smith was shouting something, but it didn't include the words “timber wolves”.

Applejack swung her shutters open and poked out her head.

“Granny, what in Tartarus are you catterwalling on about?”

“The carrot-heads is at it again! Ah knew it, I darn-tooting knew we couldn't trust them! Hide her husbands! Arm yerselves! The war of Canterlot aggression is happenin all over again!”

Applejack trotted out in front of her grandmother, and gently removed the apple corer from her grip.

“Now Granny, just calm down and tell me what yer caterwallin about. Maybe ah can help.”

Granny snorted and kicked at the air. “If'n I told you once, I told you a hunnert times, you can't trust them inbred high-and-mighty beef-eatin' lilly-livered hexenmiesters!”

At this point, Applejack wondered if Granny had gotten the small cider bottles confused with the distilled eight-year-old apple brandy, again. (Last time Granny had scared away a visiting group from the Fillydelphia Gay Colts Chorus and then worn down her dentures trying to eat Carousel Boutique.) “Who's inbred and lilly-livered? This isn't about the Apple Family Disease, is it?” Applejack said, trying to steer the conversation into more lucid waters.

Granny Smith garrumphed loudly and pawed the ground. At least she wasn't actively charging off to fight some conflict that had ended decades before Applejack was born. While her fury had temporarily choked up her voice, Applejack fetched her a little cup of iced ginger tea to sort out her senses.

“Now, Granny, ah did tell you that tha phantasm-flowers are just for keepin out jackalopes, and you shouldn't mix them into the carrot green salad,” Applejack said, trying and failing not to sound condescending.

“I know well enough what's a carrot green and what aint, ye uppity whippersnapper!” She took a resentful gulp of tea. “I was sorting out defensive hallucinogens from good food crops before ye'd learned to stop stickin anything shiny into yer mouth!”

This at least reassured Applejack that her close relative was in some state of lucidity. “Then what are all these carrot-headed hexenmiesters you're shoutin about?”

Granny Smith sighed and sipped a little more tea, as if to prove she'd gotten control of her temper. Applejack didn't trust the display.

“You know how the Principality of Equestria began with three squabblin tribes?”

“Of course,” Applejack snorted. “I was Smart Cookie in the big play at Canterlot.”

“Do you remember what happened between then and the founding of Ponyville?”

Applejack blinked. “Between?”

Granny finished her tea and sighed. She pushed the door open with a hoof. “Walk with me, dear.”

Applejack followed her into the western cauliflower field. She wondered breifly why they bothered growing cauliflower. In her view, it was just brocolli that didn't try hard enough.

“Do you know about the Great Buffalo Massacre, or the Flesh Wars, or Chancellor Pieface's Cattle Defense Pact?”

Applejack shook her head.

Granny Smith drew up a thick wad of something from her throat and spat onto the ground. “Of course not! Unless it happened three years back or five eons ago, you youngins think it aint worth knowing. Now shut your trap and listen well.”

Applejack followed Granny past the cauliflower into the oakra patch.

“We earth ponies didn't always have enough food for Princess Platinum's people. That was okay often, by their reckonin', because they had what you might call another source.”

“A food source other than food?” Applejack said, letting her skepticism show. This wasn't going to be like her tall tales about her with the entire Colt Soccer League and Prince Brightmane after winning the swimming championship in a frozen lake, was it?

“You might call it...different food. See, back then the uroc ancestors of cows and buffalo hung around the earth ponies for protection, and because we could make the grass we walked on grow greener and richer. Officially, none of three ponies could wage war against the others, and the people under their protection, but Princess Platinum was pretty crafty...”

It was around then, halfway through the strawberry field, that Granny's saggy face faded away and Applejack found herself walking through the past. There were doppleganger illusions cast, so that a guard like Big Cabbage would keep talking to the bull he was supposed to protect while a pair of unicorns levitated it over the snowy road, bound and gagged. What use where sentries when a single Come Alive spell could send your cheese knives on a stabbing spree through the shed where the nursing calves were kept? It was a good morning when the same number of uroc allies started out to work the farms with you. Princess Platinum denied everything, but there were some royal-grade weapons amongst those “vigilante raiders.”

“I don't understand, how did the urocs help them get more food? Where the unicorns usin' them as slave labor in salt mines or sugar mills? An' why kill some of the urocs? That would just deplete yer labor.” Applejack could see the horror of some creeping magicians using their powers to make your friends disappear, but Granny Smith was leaving something out. Either that or there was something was starin her right in the face.

Granny chuckled an ugly chuckle. She gave her a very sad, very knowing smile. “Don't you understand, honeychild?” She patted her with a hoof and stepped around a protruding root. “Bless yer innocent little heart.”

“What aren't you tellin me?” Applejack said, bristling.

Granny Smith looked away from her, over the gates that kept out tomato thieves.

“My granpappy, or maybe his granpappy, went on one of the Recovery Missions. Chancelor Pieface couldn't say anything about it, of course, because the unicorns would use that as an excuse to cry bloody murder and start a war. But he tried to get back the stolen urocs. He was real worried about them, yah see, even though his lil daughter was seeing a pretty heifer on the sly, but that's another story.” Granny Smith cleared her throat and leaned against the fence.

“He tried to get there in time, but there was a nasty rainstorm obscurin' tha land, and the unicorns had conjured up some willowisps to cover their tracks...”

Applejack pawed the ground, waiting to for her dear old granny to get to the point already. She talked about how long they'd gone, and about a funny smell coming from the unicorn cookfires. It wasn't anything like roast potatoes or hot stew, but it didn't seem burnt either. Applejack expected some nasty description of broken urocs looking up with dead eyes, or a heap of barely-alive mine workers, scored by the whip and broken by exhaustion.

“Cracked bones. Nothing but bones, all gnawed and splintered,” Granny said, with grim relish.

Applejack laughed, horsely. “Now I know yer pullin one of my legs. Granny, why'd you drag me out here for some load of horse apples like that?”

“Hark at me laughin,” Granny Smith said. She looked as serious as slow death.

“Yer...yer not sayin' they made allies with some nasty dragons or chimeras or somesuch and offered up urocs as sacrifices?”
Granny Smith shook her head.

“Princess Platinum denied it outright. Sometimes she e'en had little bits of gristle in between her teeth when she said it. She kept on swearing blind she knew nothing about the raiding parties until the Chancellor brought out her youngest son for a little encouragement.” She snorted. “Well, most of her son. It's dang tough to get a straight word out of a unicorn. But she fessed up pretty quick after that, about the dark silver league and the secret larders. We mighta come to slaughter if the Divine Sisters hadn't made manifest around that time.”

Applejack snorted. “That's plumb crazy! And even if it is true, which it aint, I'm sure that Rarity and Twilight and all the fine unicorns from here to canterlot would never do such a horrific thing! These is modern times for Pete's sake!”

Granny's solemn, knowing stare was worse than any smug grin.

Applejack kicked the gate open and turned her back on her. A dreadful site met her.

“My tomatas! And Rainbow Dash told me there weren't any early frosts down for this year..”

She was too busy mourning a beautiful crop of heirloom vegetable-fruits to notice the chill wind that slammed the gate behind her.

Warm Straw and Cold Fries

Fluttershy tucked the groaning human in with some nice fresh straw and a quilted blanket.

“I'm so sorry, Jamal. I should have asked if you knew how to ride.”

The human stirred. “Honey? Get the alarm clock.”

Fluttershy waved her woodpecker into silence.

“Honey, it's okay,” he mumbled. “She didn't mean any disre-no, no babe, she's your daughter! Don't-”

The human sat upright with a breathless shriek.

“Oh!” he said, wiping his forehead and looking around. Jamal blinked and frowned. “Oh.”

Fluttershy nudged a bowl of oats and a dish of clean water over to Jamal. “How are you feeling? Do you need some fresh bedding or new bandages?”

Jamal winced. “Pretty good, thanks. I just...I don't think I'll buy my daughter that Twilight Sparkle stuffed animal. The hair doesn't look-” he broke off midsentence with a savage gasp. Then he went silent, struggling because making noises were too painful but he obviously wanted to scream.

“I thought that looked like a rib and hip fracture,” Fluttershy sighed. She stepped over a family of weasels and gently pulled an opossum out of her medicine drawer. “Try to stay out of the hallucinogens, okay Sparky?” she murmured, giving the animal a light kiss on its fuzzy underbelly.

“I've swapped some manticore cheese for Zecora's bone-restoring potions a while ago. You know how fragile flamingo bones can be.”

The human blinked. “I guess?”

Fluttershy lifted the bottle to his lips and patted his back with her free wing. “Now, this is going to taste a little yucky, but I want you to drink it all up. I'll have something good for you to get rid of the taste afterwards.”

The human raised an eyebrow and made an odd expression, but he drank it without winching or spitting it out.

“That wasn't so bad actually. Sort of like mint jelly and spam.” Jamal smacked his lips.

Fluttershy rewarded the human with a big bowl of fresh-picked clover. Angel eyed it jealously.

Fluttershy set down the bowl and turned to Angel. “As for you, you might get some clover after you apologize Rocky Racoon for those hurtful things you said about her father.”

Angel blew a raspberry at a raccoon, which hid its face behind its little paws and sighed.

“Poor baby,” Fluttershy said. She turned back to her newest animal friend. “So, Jamal, tell me a little about yourself. I've never met a-”
Jamal tried to peek out the window, before collapsing in a spasm of pain.

“Oh, dear. You really should try to relax and take it easy right now,” Fluttershy said. She gently nuzzled him. “That potion takes a while to get working.”

“Sorry,” Jamal coughed out. “I just need to know, is Twilight Sparkle visiting today?”

Fluttershy hovered over him. “No, I'm not expecting to see her until our critter playdate next week. Why?”

Jamal looked around at the bears, vampire bats, anacondas, and Angel.

“No reason,” he mumbled.

“So, could you just tell me about yourself and your species?” Fluttershy said, flapping her wings eagerly.

Jamal shrugged and winced. “What do you want to know?”

Fluttershy hovered an inch above his face.

“Everything.”

The hay-burger was busy today, but there were also some odd empty spaces among the seats. Cloudkicker saw was some sort of pattern among the patrons, but couldn't work it out. There were odd whisperings and brief outbursts quickly cut off with shushes and glares.

Also, the air conditioner was on the fritz. She had to flutter and rollerskate to get food to her tables before the fries got cold.

“All the evidence about Oroc sapience comes from some sketchy, secondary records 'discovered' by Chancellor Puddinghead's long-lost heir, many of them written in eyeliner and glitter-crayon,” a grey unicorn filly with a library catalogue cutie mark expostulated, waving her carrot-dog for emphasis.

“Maybe that's because that's what was left after the Great Record-House of Old Appleoosa burned down in a raging spellfire,” a green earth pony sibling with a branding iron cutie mark.

The chubby, fastidious filly's father groaned and set aside his okra-burger. “Dewey Decimal, Firebrand, can't we have ONE family dinner that doesn't spiral into heated arguments about primary sources?”

Cloudkicker serruptiously refilled the mother's drink and flitted back to the kitchen.

“I'm tellin ya, my Uncle Hayseed did some work in canterlot blackening cart windows and greasing the wheels so they could move around at night. What does Fancy Pants need that kind of secrecy for?” Deep Sizzle, the earth pony fry cook said. He squinted at Cloud Kicker. “Could you tell me what joker brought in this olive oil? It's froze solid.”

Cloudkicker frowned. “It seemed fine when I brought it up from the basement this morning. Maybe you should get the manager to turn the air conditioning down?”

Deep Sizzle shook his head. “I already asked Glueface Myrtle. She says the air conditioner's off.” He snorted and flipped over a hayburger. “Goes to show how little use magic-powered appliances are. They go on the fritz everytime a fairy sneezes!”

Cloudkicker dropped off the latest order. What was getting into everypony today?

Author's Note

Fluttershy tends to Jamal's falling injuries. Cloud Kicker tries to figure out why everypony is settling into cliques. Brr.

Fresh Fish

Jamal had fallen asleep before Fluttershy got much information out of him. He didn't even have time to eat his clover, poor thing. She really wanted to find out more about human diet and behavior. The flat and grinding teeth suggested an ordinary herbivore, but then why did it have those four dog-like teeth?

Fluttershy glided down alongside the Catbalm Creek. Her flight control was better after the practice sessions with Rainbow Dash, but she still preferred to stay low. It was too early for the spawn in the pond to hatch, but maybe she could see the larvae stirring in their eggs.

She flitted above the trees and waved her hoof at former companions in a flock of sparrows. She could see the tributaries weaving in and out of the creek, glints between the dark brown of the forest floor. Squirrels ran between the trees. Flying snakes glided sunned themselves on the highest branches.

Fluttershy skimmed low and breathed the moist forest air. How could the big empty possibly compare to the rich and living ground? She took a few breathes in through her nose and out through her mouth. She wasn't stuck in Cloudsdale anymore.

Right on the edge of Gosling Bridge, Fluttershy caught a glimpse of vivid color. She reared up spun around, turning her straight flight into a slow descending circle. Rainbow had tried to teach her quicker ways of landing. Given that her Dash's landings usually ended in Twilight Sparkle's upper floor, Fluttershy was alright with taking the slow way down.

The beeches were thick in this part of the wood. Every now and then, the ponies had to cut down some beeches they didn't need for fuel or building because of their tendency to force out other plants by dripping poison onto the ground. Nature was so fascinating.

A plop and a flash of silver caught Fluttershy's attention. This was one spot she liked to toss shredded cheese into the water, just to watch the cautious fish gather and feed. Maybe Rainbow Dash liked to feed the fish too?

It looked Rainbow was wearing a cap. She didn't like to cover up her mane much, and it stuck out. Some kind of jewelry was glinting on it. She leaned back into a collapseable chair on the side of the bridge, waving a shiny black pole.

Fluttershy tilted her wings and swung in on a wider angle. She heard more splashing but she could only catch brief glimpses of her friend. There was a big red bucket next to her chair, and a little grill. She could smell the smoke now, as the wind eased up.

Silver glinted again, flecked with red.

Fluttershy slowly pulled down on the opposite bank. She heard a thick, wet wack.

“Rainbow Dash?” Fluttershy said, noticing the quaver in her voice.

Rainbow Dash lifted up a bloody trout by the tail. A scale was hanging by a thread from the front of its face. It gasped and flapped its drying gills. Rainbow Dash brought it down one more time on the wooden slats, splashing skin mucus and sticky fish blood. The fish jerked once and lay still. Its eyes were already starting to cloud over.
Rainbow Dash brought up the fish for one more skull-crunching smack. Then she turned to Fluttershy.

Her face didn't look angry, or cruel, or even very hungry. She just had a calm, determined face, like somepony scrubbing the burnt bits from an iron skillet. That calm evaporated when the strange blue pegasus met Fluttershy's gaze. A gutless smile replaced it.

“Oh, um, hi Fluttershy. Care for a-I mean, have a seat?”

Her guilty eyes fled to the grill, to some fresh-picked lemons, a jug of cider, a plate painted with starlings in flight, and a very sharp knife. The plate had some bones on it.
Fluttershy drew a breath to speak. She didn't realize how long she'd been going without air. She expected to burst into tears or collapse, but her legs were firm and her ees were dry. When she breathed out again, she realized that she didn't have anything she wanted to say to this rainbow-haired pegasus in front of her.

The blue pegasus set the fish down, carefully. She tried to wipe the thick blood from her hooves. It smeared on her fur and the moist boards, but the glutinous clots didn't come off. The pegasus crossed her forlegs behind her back.

“Uh, I know this kind of looks bad, and I can tell your upset, but--” Rainbow Dash started.

Fluttershy walked up towards the pegasus. The pegasus flinched back. Fluttershy walked past her and looked into the bucket. The fish inside it were alive.

She picked up the bucket.

“Hey, what are you-” the blue pegasus said.

Fluttershy dumped the fish into the creek. Then she turned around. She looked over her shoulder, took careful aim, and kicked the grill hard. The coals sizzled in the shallows as the grill tumbled down with a pleasant metallic percussion.

“Look, I'm sorry, alright?” Rainbow Dash said, in the tone of somepony who is more angry than sorry, and still not as angry as they are scared.

Fluttershy climbed the railing of the bridge, angled her wings, and took off. Her heart was racing and her mouth was dry but she felt calm.

Fluttershy had really been looking forward to the school trip to Stormcloud Lake, back when she lived in cloudsdale. She'd liked seeing the fish, and she'd been really proud when she actually caught one until she found out what they were supposed to DO with the fish. She'd then been shocked when she told the other fillies and they didn't care. They'd made fun of her for that, but it was barely enough for Rainbow Dash to notice in between defending her honor and all that “Fluttercry” stuff.

Fluttershy really did not miss Cloudsdale.

Nandi Bear and Irish Coffee

Lyra sat in her crude camp. Her stomach rumbled. She'd tried to ration out her supplies carefully, but right now she had a lime, a half-empty canteen, and some curry powder.

Right about now, she thought Bonbon would be whipping up something complicated with cream, or would be warning her not to burn the eggs while she tried to concentrate on cooking. Bonbon always listened to her human theories, even if she thought they were a load of horse apples.

That was another thing she hadn't planned on, the loneliness. Lyra loved listening to spooky stories and she liked camping out, but it was easier to listen to cracking twigs and wailing wind when there was somepony to talk to.

She jiggled her tooth-jar. It pointed in a direction. She was deep enough into the forest that night and day looked pretty much the same. The only sign of the sun was the faint green glow near the canopy and the flickering red light bouncing around in the middle distance.

Wait, flickering red light?

Maybe this was another campfire. Maybe she was near Zecora's hut or another campsite. She wanted to see SOMEPONY, or Some Zebra, even if she couldn't admit to herself that she just wanted to go home.

Nandi nandi nandi.

“H-hello? Is anypony out there?” Lyra called.

The red light hopped closer.

Lyra gulped. She wasn't an expert in creatures, outside of the cryptozoological realms, but it did bring to mind a certain passage in an open bestiary.

Something that lived only in deep, wild places. Something fierce and hairy, with a beak as well as teeth, and the glow of Tartarus leaking like drool from its maw. Something with a listing, deceptively-fast hopping motion, that could break trees like matchwood with its magically strengthened claws.

The Nandi Bear was coming. Lyra fumbled through her pack, looking for something useful in the human capture supplies.

Twilight Sparkle had let the find of a century slip through her hooves. That hurt.

A lot.

“Tea and cookies?” Spike said. His voice didn't sound very enthusiastic.

According to the catalytic theory of possible worlds, her own thaumic field would exert a kind of pull on a universe that coincidentally happened to emulate her own life story. What was that dream she had, about asking a lot of humans to line up for a chance to get eaten? Only she was a human herself in that dream, communicating across the planet with bird noises. That might be one of what Von Cloppenheimer called Side-Resonances.

“Hmm?” Twilight said, when something bonked alongside her head.

“I said the tea is getting cold,” Spike said. “Please? Eat something?”

Side-Resonance...maybe that was something that could be exploited in both directions.

Now Spike was saying something again, and the tray was gone.

“Could you repeat that?” Twilight said, prying her face away from the tome.

“Is there anything I can do?” Spike said. He didn't have to say “to cheer you up” because every line of his body said it.

“I would appreciate a chance to try out that Irish Coffee recipe,” she said. She wanted to ease away the failure, but she still wanted the energy to focus. Even if it threatened a precious first-edition, she was still academically fascinated by its problem. It wouldn't cost her anything to keep on trying to solve it.

Anyway, if she could figure it out, then maybe she could find some way of retrieving...things, from the other side.
She finished her mug of Irish Coffee. She looked up to say thank you, but Spike had gone back to the kitchen.

Elders and a Diaper

Blossomforth Stretched her wings and limbered up before the long flight to the Clover Hill retirement center. They'd finished increasing the building's hoofprint, but they had to catch up with other supplies before they could take on more residents. Their kitchens could keep up with the increased food demand, and their laundering and medical facilities were up to it, but the keen new executive director Clever Biscuit tended to overlook the little things.

Blossomforth ducked under a dense cumulo-stratus patch. That was why she had to push against the wind to drop off a cargo of reading glasses. There'd been lots of unseasonal cold fronts, which complicated the normally predictable weather patterns. She'd have to see Quickfeather or Rainbow Dash about that.

It was nice to visit the old ponies' home now and then. Life there moved at a more measured pace. There was less feirce competition and struggles for identity. The timetable there was set by bingo halls, 4PM dinners, and frequent anonymous sex. She chuckled. Stallions like Silvermane and Stargazer weren't nearly as subtle about their liasons as they thought, but then they'd grown up in a more stuffy sort of Ponyville.

The smells of Clover Hill hit her before she caught sight of it's gabled windows, dark green awnings, and low bubbling fountain. Contrary to what her less charitable peers thought, it did not “smell like old people”. The whole building smelled strongly, but not overpoweringly, of orange oil cleaner fluid, along with hints of candle wax, marjuana, and cinnamon raisin oatmeal. There was also an acrid stink of thaumic discharge.

Wait, what?

Blossomforth sniffed the air again. The unmistakable aroma of offensive magic was unmistakeable.

“Oh dear,” she murmured. They hadn't let Thunderhoof see one of the classic War Reels, had they? Maybe the staff had just fended off a rogue wyvern. The smell increased.

Blossomforth plunged through the cloud cover and into the valley. Clover Hill's gabled windows were either shattered or rhymed with frost. The broad green awning speaking of Peace and Dignity for All was on fire. The fountain looked frozen, but before she could be an earth pony nurse ran out and plunged into it to extinguish the purple flames engulfing his mane.

“What the Nightmare Moon's cootch is going on?” Blossomforth asked.

“I don't know,” the nurse gasped out. “It started as a fight over reading glasses. Then the unicorns started spouting something about blood libel, and a bunch of earth ponies called them can-apples, and next thing you know—”

The nurse hopped to his hooves. He raised his forelegs just in time to catch Clever Biscuit, soaring out of the window with a distincitve hoofprint on his arse. The nurse grunted as he caught him. Clever Biscuit wiggled out and plunged gratefully into the cool waters.

“I think Golden Oats actually just gets STRONGER with age. Do these Earth Pony stallions ever cool down?” He moaned.

Fluttershy shredded clouds with more wingpower than she'd ever shown on the hurricane team. What else didn't she know about that puppy-bucking blue pegasus?

That was just fine. There was one type of friend you could always count on, at least.

She slowed down her descent and scooped up Angel from the ground.

His fur was so soft, and his little heart beat so fast. She nuzzled him gently and patted his soft fluff until she felt calm enough to cry.
Her favorite bunny licked away the tears, then ran off. While she coughed and snuffled, he returned with a box of tissues.

Fluttershy was familiar with “fair weather friends”, ponies who acted like friends when everything was going good but turned on you when things got tough. Angel was a foul weather friend.

Anyway, now she had her a new animal friend to take care of!

Angel hopped on her back and curled up. She gently patted him and folded her wings. Somepony had left a message on her door. She read it as she walked in.

“A party for Unicorns and Earth Ponies to welcome our newest extraplanar visitors! Pegasi, Dragons, Gryphons, Zebras, and all other comers also welcome. Cake and curries are on the menu! Mammalian bipeds are not.”

She set it down on the nightstand with a shiver. Pinkie Parties could be fun, and she liked when it was just her and her five, or rather, her closest friends. She was even willing to brave the crowds to come out for a friend's birthday party, but just getting lost in a sea of strangers...no, that didn't sound like fun at all. She prefered to spend time with friends that meowed, churped, roared, or squirted blood from their eyes.

“Now how is my little human friend?” Fluttershy cooed.

He squirmed a little. “Is the diaper really necessary?”

Fluttershy patted him with a wing. “I don't want you moving around too much, and it'll speed the healing if you don't have to keep rushing off to the outhouse.”

The human perspired a little. “And the fluffy pink blanket with ducks and kittens?”

She nuzzled his neck. “That's to keep you nice and warm. After all you don't have any fur of your own.”

“I see,” he said. His stomach growled.

“I guess the clover didn't suit your tastes,” she said. “Is there something you'd prefer? Applesauce? Puffy artichoke omelette? If you're a carnivore I have some fresh bear placentas in the ice house.”

The humans eyes widened and its stubby claws clenched. “Apples and omelettes sounds great. Please. Thank you. I don't need any placenta.”

“Alright then,” Fluttershy said. “I've got some nice duck eggs for the omelette.” She loved carnivorous animals just as much as herbivores, but that was different. Animals didn't have a choice about their diet, and they couldn't be held to the same moral standards as ponies.

“Maybe after you've gotten some food, I can polish your claws and brush your mane,” she said, hopefully.

The human flinched. “No, please. I don't like people, or ponies, touching my hair.”

Fluttershy started greasing the pan. “Alright. I can respect your boundries. I have a friend who can't stand having her hooves--”, Fluttershy stopped. She cleared her throat. “I can respect that.”

“Thank you,” Jamal the human said. He paused while she whipped up the eggs and peeled the artichokes.

“Are you alright?” the human said. “Your eyes look a little red.”

Fluttershy folded a wing around his shoulder. “It's kind of you to notice, but don't worry about me. I'll be just fine.” She kissed its smooth furless forehead. The human glanced at the nightstand. “I'll have your omelette ready in two shakes of a lamb's tail!”

Author's Note

There's a rumble at the old folks home, and Fluttershy is very protective of her new human pal.

A Human in the Hand and One in the Bush

The human crashed to the floor. It didn't let out a sound of pain, only struggled out of the stilts and rubbed its bruises.

“Are you sure you don't want to take a break? You don't have to wear a windigo costume for the party, because I've got tons of cool costumes and plenty of them fit humans so you don't have to worry about them not fitting, and even if you do want to wear a windigo costume you can wear one without the stilts. I still have my chicken costume!”

Reiko braced herself against the hedge, strapped the stilts back on, and rose to her feet, or rather rose to her stilts, even though the hedge was dogwood rather than rosewood. It's funny that they call them dogwood shrubs even though they don't bark or pee on themselves.

“This is the ultimate costume for the ultimate party,” Reiko said in firm, grim voice. “Plus nobody will guess that I'm a human until the unmasking.”

She toddled over on the towering stilts. That hollow-eyed mask swept slowly, as if drawn by some attraction other than light. The silver-blue hooves waved slowly, as if treading the air. The figure let out a keening, lonely moan, like the last living soul in a frozen desert.
Pinkie Pie shivered. If she didn't know that was just her newest friend Reiko in a costume, she would have been really spooked out. Reiko was certainly one human who understood the meaning of “scary but fun”.

The effect was spoiled when the chilling apparition struggled to regain its footing. Reiko caught herself against a statue of Victory this time.
Pinkie Pie remembered how Rarity had lost her self-control with the cake on the Friendship Express. Tasty treats could be tempting, (especially corn cakes) even for the best of friends and the most well-intentioned of ponies. She knew that from painful experience.

“Are you totally absolutely one hundred percent sure you want to show up here, with all the unicorns around? I mean, all of my friends are super awesome people and I trust them and care about them, but everypony makes mistakes, and there's only one of you here. Maybe you could ride in the balloon and explain the whole I'm-a-thinking-person-creature-and-even-though-I-have-two-legs-and-have-some-predator-traits-I-don't-pose-a-threat-to-you situation with a loudspeaker?” Pinkie Pie suggested. She wanted to keep everybody on friendly terms, and she wasn't totally sure it could stay that Reiko would be willing to make friends with somebody who bit off her leg.

“Positive,” Reiko said. “I really have nothing to lose.” The words echoed with an icy certainty. The windigo loomed over Pinkie Pie. She could almost hear cold winds howling in the distance.

Jamal had been brought up to be polite. Jamal's Muslim aunt, who he remembered more not because he was orphaned but because both of his parents had a lot of part time jobs to work, had always impressed upon him the cardinal virtue of Hospitality. Jamal had grown up in an area where you were polite to people, especially police, as a matter of survival.

That said, everyone had their limit, and another thing that Jamal had learned was how to make a graceful exit. The time when fluttershy had pulled out a thermometer half as thick as his arm and started talking to her friends about taking care of her new ailing pet was when Jamal decided he would prefer to exercise the better part of valor than the politeness of princes.

He plunged into the bushes when he heard the beat of hooves. He remembered sitting down to the first episode of My Little Pony on their old beat-up futon, while his wife was away at work, with his little girl silent and riveted on the screen in front of her. Twilight Sparkle had said “all the ponies here are crazy!”

Along the path came a couple of foals he didn't recognize from the show.

“I'm a timber wolf! Arrooo! Fear my gnashing branches!” one of them said.

The other one stopped to look at a poster. It mentioned a party hosted by Pinkie Pie, to welcome a “stranger from another world”.
Jamal's heart skipped a beat. Stranger from another world? That sounded like another human being. Somebody who wouldn't try to eat him or put a diaper on him or do experiments on him.

If another human got here...somehow, maybe they could compare notes. Maybe they could work together. Maybe the other human even knew the way back!

There was lots of dead wood in this hedge. Jamal gave a prayer of thanks to the wicker-work instructor at the community center. He thought it was a complete bust when he found out how little he could make repairing furniture in his neighborhood, but maybe it had been a blessing in disguise.

He really wanted to meet this mysterious stranger. Maybe they'd already learned the real personalities of the colorful tiny horse characters that his daughter laughed and squealed over. Maybe they could lead him to a magic horse that could get him home safe and sound.
He took a few branches and started bending the greenwood around them.

Self Control and Curry

Rarity crumpled up another empty bag of apple chips and dropped it into the trash with a sigh. So much for self-control. The worst part was that she still felt hungry. If only she hadn't messed up her metabolism by fasting for Hopestar Night! But how could she pass up that opportunity, especially when she finally had friends to share the ceremony with?

“Sweetie Belle? I'm just going out to pick up some groceries. Do you want anything?”

“Oh oh oh, could you get me some candied rose petals?” Sweetie Belle said as she bounded down the stairs. She stood on two legs and waved her hooves. “Please?” she added.

“Anything for my favorite sister,” Rarity said, patting her gently with her tail. Sweetie Belle swayed and caught herself. It was good to see a sign of refined taste in her sister. She loved Sweetie Belle and was happy to get behind whatever life decision she made, as long as it didn't involve fire or big green things with teeth, but her younger sibling could be a bit...undiscriminating in her interests. It was about time that she showed a little maturity and artistic temperament.

Rarity opened the door and a sharp breeze hit her in the face. She darted back inside and pulled out a fireball fuchsia scarf and hat.
There were all sorts of wonderful things to think of besides how addictively delicious raw human flesh tasted. The sky had the rich, warm glow of approaching sunset. Birds that, despite having two legs, were not humans, flew and sang overhead. The grass by the road was crisp and green, unlike the creamy peach-colored skin of the human she had seen.

Rarity shook her head vigorously and pulled her scarf out of her mouth. She spotted Wishes Daisy in her stall and trotted up to the line. Caramel struck up a chat with the flower seller, but Rarity was in no hurry. She settled her hooves firmly on the ground. The two of them leaned close, whispering, but there was nothing amorous about their body language. Maybe she had some kind of flower-based estrogen supplement?

Hayseed was right in front of her, but for some reason he did not choose this time to tell her, in great detail, about the subtle differences between the twenty-seven different varieties of turnip cultivated on his family farm, or zen in the art of window washing. Thank Celestia for small mercies.

When he picked up his potted begonia, Rarity stepped up.

“Hello, I'd like-” she began, adjusting her scarf so her voice wouldn't be muffled.

“We don't have any,” Wishes said, in a flat voice.

“I'm sorry?” Rarity said. She'd dealt with some generally unpleasant people on market days, but Wishes was one of the easy-going locals. “I didn't even tell you what I wanted to order.” She finished the sentence with a nervous little laugh, to suggest that this really couldn't be going on but if the other pony wanted to pretend they were joking she'd be happy to let her save face.

“Alright,” Wishes said. She stared at Rarity and waited in silence, as if the pony across from her hadn't occasionally fought the forces of evil and destruction that ravaged Equestria every now and then.

The silence stretched out as Rarity waited for the next word. Wishes tapped the board impatiently.

“I'd like a bag of candied rose petals,” Rarity said.

“We're all out,” Wishes Daisy said, without looking at her stock. If she'd turned her head slightly, she would have seen seven full bags labeled “Laughter of Cadence Candied Petals”.

“Well, um, far be it from me to disagree with your professional opinion, but don't those bags there look just a tiny bit like candied rose petals?” Rarity laughed, but this time the laugh had an edge to it. She made sure her face contained no trace of anger or irony.

“That's a display,” Wishes said. “We don't have any.”

“Are you absolutely sure?” Rarity said.

Daisy's eyes normally looked cerulean-colored, but right now they shone with a glint of icy blue. “Yes,” she said. “I'm positive.”

Rarity shivered. “Alright then, have a nice day.”

Wishes said nothing.

Rarity headed on towards the market square. Applejack might have some apple chips, but she felt a bit more like stopping off at Shady Character's stall. The “authentic” Canterlot fashions Shady sold were about as authentic as diamonds that couldn't scratch glass, but Shady offered decent canned bear curry.

Applejack wasn't getting as much business today. It wasn't like the marketplace was empty, and she still saw many of her regular customers, like Cloud Kicker and Golden Harvest, but things just seemed a little...quieter. Lemon Hearts didn't come around to sample her wares, but after the creepy way she acted the last time they'd met that was just fine with Applejack.

Still, a few regular customers gave her a miss. When she waved to Apple Stars the unicorn just kept on trotting and gave her the cold shoulder.

Activity in the market had died down, and the warmth had gone from the light of afternoon. Applejack counted up her earnings and began to fold up her market stand.

“Better mosey on home to start the evening chores,” Applejack mumbled to nopony in particular as she hitched the contraption to herself.

Applejack blinked. That was force of habit talking. She actually didn't have any chores to take care of this evening. Jamal the human had made a huge dent in her daily worklaod, and the only thing that her family wasn't already going to take care of was the pepper harvest, which would be pointless on account of that killing frost. Maybe she'd use the free time to check out Pinkie Pie's latest party.

The Scoops Family Ice Cream truck wasn't doing much business. Maybe the pimply unicorn kid they hired to run the place after their sister left wasn't getting the hang of his job. He waved back when Applejack waved to him, and she found something oddly incongruous about this. She couldn't put her hoof on it. She just knew that she felt absolutely no desire for ice cream.

The shadows seemed to lengthen very suddenly. The carousel boutique looked cold and distant, like a dark tower on a barren hill. Ponies she'd done business with for years walked past her in grim silence. Something in the very air pressed against her, cold as an eel and dry as a bone.

Applejack snorted. What a load of metaphysical horse-apples. This was the same friendly town of unicorns, earth ponies and pegasi she'd always lived in. It was just a little dark and chilly today.

The darkness came without any cloud cover overhead...

Applejack rubbed her eyes. There was no mysterious shroud darkening the land, just afternoon shadows and some buildings that could do with a fresh lick of paint. Everypony just wanted to get home while it was still light out.

She headed down a side alley, looking for a shortcut home. AJ didn't feel like lingering around the town square anymore.

It was there, amongst rain gutters, pipes and hayburger wrappers, that she ran into her old friend Rarity, who happened to be chatting with Lemon Hearts and a dark grey unicorn with sunglasses she didn't recognize. The unicorn vanished with a flash of magic.

“Oh h-hello Applejack! Fancy meeting you here,” Rarity said with a little laugh.

“Hello Rarity,” Applejack said warmly. “Lemon Hearts,” she added, with a tiny nod and a low growl.

Rarity shifted her shopping bag and blushed. “I was just having a little chat with my good friend Lemon Hearts.”

“Oh really? You're friends now?” Applejack said, trying to keep the hostility out of her voice and failing.

Rarity cocked her head. “Is something wrong?”

“I reckon something is wrong with this here unicorn,” Applejack said, jabbing Lemon Hearts in the chest. “This nasty critter tried to buy my new friend like a bushel of eggs.”

Rarity gasped and covered her mouth. “Lemon Hearts? What is she talking about?”

Lemon Hearts sniffed. “There's no need to get so uppity about an innocent mistake.”

“There aint nothin' innocent about what you said, Lemon” Applejack snarled.

“Her hot brother was carrying a two-legged deer on his back. I thought they were taking it to market!”

“It was mah new friend Jamal, and he's a human, not some kind of deformed deer,” Applejack said.

Rarity reared up on her hind legs and her eyes widened. “A two-legged deer? Another one?”

“I told you he's not a deer,” Applejack said, at the same time as Lemon Hearts said “Another one?”

Rarity blushed. “I'm sorry dear, did I not mention my little encounter earlier?”

Rarity and Lemon hearts both had the same pointy spiral horn, the same serrated teeth, and the same needful look in their eyes. A chill worked its way up Applejack's back and into her ribcage.

“What's this incident you're talking about?” Applejack said, suspiciously.

“Oh, just a little momentary lapse of control,” Rarity said. Her laughter was nervous and forced. A can fell out of her shopping bag.
Rarity tried to snatch it away with her magic. Applejack instinctively grabbed it with her tail.

The can had a hairy severed limb in a pool of blood, framed by a motif of pepper plants and a fleur de lis. The cursive pink writing said “Crust & Set's Curried Meat”.

Rarity was blushing and sweating furiously. “Look, Applejack, there's a few things you don't know about me, and I understand how this situation is a little awkward-” she stammered.

“Give that back!” Lemon Hearts snapped. “Honestly earth ponies can be so intolerant!”

Applejack dropped the can like a rattlesnake.

“Holy horse apples, Granny was right.”

Author's Note

Rarity tries to exercise restraint. Applejack goes shopping and finds some unusual wares.

Thick Liquor and Lyra Feeds

“I'm sorry Apple Bloom, but the hard cider and rainbow punch are for big ponies,” Mint Julip said, gently but firmly.

“But ah AM a big pony!” Apple Bloom whined.

“Well then,” Mint Julip said with fading patience, “the hard cider and rainbow punch are only for ponies whose first birthday was at least fifteen years ago. You can go over to the FoalZone tent for two cups of small cider or one glass of blackberry wine. Or you can spend all night bothering me for something you know you aren't going to get, while all your friends are off having fun.”

Apple Bloom leaned up against the black and white checked tablecloth. She let out a low whimper, and her big wide eyes blinked as they brimmed with tears.

“Nice try, kid. I've got three daughters and a little sister,” Mint Julip said.

“Gosh darnit, it was worth a shot,” Apple Bloom grumbled as she stomped off to the FoalZone.

When Button Mash stepped up and waved an Adult Drinking Age Pony ID, written in crayon, Mint Julip just glared at him until he trotted off. They kept thinking they could pull one over his eyes. He chuckled and poured himself a straight cider. He supposed it was only natural for kids to want to be older than they were. Pretending to be a grown-up was good practice for adulthood, when you had to pretend to be a grown-up all the time. What was it the great Celestian apologist said? Now that I am old, I have learned to put a way childish things, including the fear of being childish. Something like that.

He sipped the drink to warm his bones. In hindsight, it was a good thing he wore the fluffy sweater and ascott tonight. He was one of those rare ponies whose special talent didn't match up with his profession. Mint Julip worked as a liberal arts teacher, which was a well-paid profession under the socio-economic policies of the god-princess.

Mint Julip's talent was inventing great cocktails on the fly, but people didn't want great inventions from a bartender. They wanted a cider, a bloody mare, or a stiff double of something that peeled paint and cleaned wounds. Maybe if they wanted a change, they'd ask for some tequila and a salt lick. Bar ponies did not like suggestions, or specials, or new things of any kind.

As if summoned by his thoughts, Berry Punch bounded up to the table. She lifted a cider glass with her lips and drained it while tickling Mint Julip's chin with her fluffy tail. He chuckled. She waggled her eyebrows and asked “Now how is my favorite artist doing tonight? Got anything sweet and juicy I can test my teeth on?”

“Aw shucks, miss, what would Colgate say?” Mint Julip answered, stirring up the punchbowl to keep the ice cubes from freezing into a solid mass.

“She'd say, 'can I watch? There's lots of olive oil under the nightstand”,” Berry Punch purred. “Anyway, my heart is always open to a colt behind a bar counter.”

“This is a table,” Mint Julip said, shooing her back from him. “Now what can I serve you up that you'll actually drink?” He enjoyed the flirtation, even though his barn door only swung open for colts and genderless older ponies. Berry Punch's marriage was open wider than the gates of Celestia's palace on Hearth's Warming Eve, but for some reason she saved all her flirting for the ones she knew she couldn't have. You could tell when Berry Punch wanted to irrigate somepony's fields by the way she talked politely and professionally of neutral topics. She was all very formal and unemotive up until she asked what their safeword was.

Berry pulled her lips away from the third empty cider glass and gave a wet belch. “Well, this time i'm looking at a tall demi-mare named Amber Waves, a sleek colt named Black Cherry, Bent Buckles the chubby genderqueer contortionist, and an agender cutie named Green Arrow.” She grinned. “I figure if I find a really ripped demi-boy I can head home with the full set!”

Mint Julip nodded. “Congratulations and Candance bless.” Cloudsdale was pretty trans-friendly, and Appleoosa was okay for monosexuals and binary ponies, but Ponyville would always be the most diverse hotspot for the MOGAI nightlife.

Berry Punch pranced a little on the spot. “So, I want a full jug of cider and a pitcher of your latest cosmic creation. You should also probably give me something for my friends to drink.”

Mint Julip got out the portable pitchers and totaled them up in his head.

“Oh and keep an eye out for that daughter-of-a-bastard Berry Shine. I don't want anyone blaming me for what that prick-head unicorn does,” Berry Punch snarled in a voice that was uncharacteristically sober.

Mint Julip broke up the ice cluster in the punch and waved to her.

“Here Nandi bear! Come here bear!” Lyra called out. She waved her rump in the air and whistled. “Nice tasty p-pony flank. Get it while it's fresh.”

Here instincts told her to run, either in a frontal charge towards the enemy or, preferably, very far away, and very fast. Running wasn't an option now.

For starters, she'd get lost if she fled into the forest now that true dark had fallen. Few breezes reached this deep to stir the air, but when they did they were harsh and unforgiving. She could easily get lost, and then the Nandi bear would have her. No, she had to keep it coming straight for her. Good thing she knew how to think like a predator.

Now she had to wait.

Cragodiles croaked in the distance. Skullmonkeys cackled overhead. The smell of loam and dead leaves built up and saturated the air.
Lyra really hated waiting for anything bad. Cherry Slits and Lemon Hearts would put off the moment of doom, but she prepared to just get it over with as quickly as possible. This has made her good at auditions and tests, but bad at survival horror video games. Also bad at chess. And really bad at professional boxing. That had been a weird summer.

The important thing to remember was to stay away from the upper body. The claws had magical strength. The tooth-covered beak, well, that went without saying, especially because the creature's saliva was infused with the essence of Tartarus.

Lyra pressed herself flat against the ground. She held still while a caterpillar marched along her nose. She saw the red, pulsing light and the horrible cry come closer and closer.

The Nandi bear plunged into the earth in front of her. As it rose for the attack, she jerked the crystal chord between the trees up, just enough to snag its toes. The bear fell flat on the forest floor. She snapped the chord with her magic and wrapped it around the leg, then plunged her horn into it. The bone twisted and snapped.

Strong magical claws. Terrible mouth of hellfire. Very vulnerable leg.

Her stomach growled as a trickle of blood ran down her horn. “Oh well, it is still a bear after all. ...sort of,” she said. She fired a magic dart at the back of its head, took out a hutning knife, and began to dig in.

Whipped Cream Makeup and Cinnamon Styx

“Fresh fish fritters! Gin blueberry smoothies! Baked apples on a stick!” a pale gold gryphon shouted.

The whitewashed stall stood in the shadow of Gary the Green Dragon's Draconic Cuisine Shack. Pinkie Pie had invited a wide range of species with animal-eating tendencies. She figured that Lyra, Twilight Sparkle, Minuette, Rarity, and the three-hundred and twenty seven other unicorns she was friends with weren't bad ponies, but when she got hungry she lost control of herself sometimes to, so it made a lot of sense to have plenty of food available that would satisfy their human-hungry tummies with meaty savory snacks, after all she ate all those corn cakes and the winning contest entry and that spicy Quasit that tried to corrupt Lemon Hearts and steal the bones from the Apple family's graveyard plot. So lots of fish fritters and bear kebabs and dragon dumplings and deep-fried cream of wyvern giblets on a stick should solve the problem and keep her friend from Humanland safe.

Pinkie Pie peered in a little closer to the stall. Blues the earth pony and Sterling Silver the unicorn were patiently waiting in line together. They didn't seem to be fighting, but there was a tension in the air. Sterling Silver asked how much the fish fritters cost and how much the smoothies were, and started hesitating, like Zecora at an orange stall. Pinkie Pie didn't really understand why somepony would hesitate when both of those things sounded so delicious and he could still have a baked apple on a stick afterwards.

While Sterilng hovered near the stand, Blues stepped up, threw his bits on the table, and ordered a baked apple. Sterling jumped back and snarled something at him. Blues responded with an icy glare and some hissed phrases that included “ungreased railroad spike”.
“Pinkie Party emergency detected! Take aim and intercept,” Pinkie said with a wink and a grin. Blues had a secret craving for blackberry tarts, and although he didn't like to admit it Sterling Silver enjoyed spraying whipped cream directly into his mouth after a hard day. Pinkie didn't think that was anything to be ashamed of, but shame was a strange thing, it was was surprising what some ponies where embarrassed about, whether it was something big like ushering in a thousand years of night or something little like missing an extra credit question on a test or something in between like summoning a demon from the second circle of Tartarus or stealing a cucumber. She thought blackberry tarts tasted a little too tart and not sweet enough, but then maybe that was why they were called tarts, or was the tart flavor named after the pastry? She'd have to ask Twilight later, maybe if she showed up at the party, which she might not do because Twilight Sparkle liked the little parties but was a little nervy at the bigger parties and preferred to keep things small, although not as much as Fluttershy.

Just as Sterling Silver charged up a Stop Hitting Yourself spell, Pinkie unleashed a barrage of seventeen blackberry tarts at his face. That was enough distraction to make Blues stop just as he raised a hoof to clock Sterling Silver across the jaw. Pinkie Pie pressed her advantage by burying Blues under a whipped cream grenade. Pretty soon, the two were grumbling and picking themselves up, and Sterling just couldn't resist licking some of the whipped cream off Blue's nose, and he got a taste of the tart, and they were making up and making out in no time. Pinkie opened up a bag of popcorn, but the sound of broken glass interrupted her enjoyment. It was a shame because she really liked to watch ponies having lots of fun at her parties.

Sometimes broken glass was just a sign that the party was going really well, and it could be cleaned up afterwards, but this wasn't a fun broken glass sound. Pinkie saw an earth pony who was new in town being held back from his friends while a unicorn made obscene gestures. She turned back to her ranged party arsenal. This looked like it would be a long night, and not in the good way.

Cinnamon Styx struggled to pull his wagon up the steep incline. The crates of ginger-human cookies strained against their straps. The sun hung low in the sky and most of Ponyville was quiet, with the population draining into another famous Pinkie Party. He was used to sudden surges of demand in the area of his primary profession, what with plagues and unnatural disasters, but he'd been stretched to the limit to prepare all of these human-shaped cookies. Other than unicorn traditionalists, most ponies got their baked goods from Sugarcube Corner.
His earth pony mother had said he was loco in the cocoa to start a dual artisinal unicorn bakery and crematorium, but he'd made it work so far. Most earth ponies preferred to be cremated and have their ashes scattered in the family fields, and unicorns new to the area often longed for a taste of home, with a significant interest in both areas from the pegasi. I multicultural spot like Ponyville was ideal for his business.

Cinnamon tried to give the cart a telekinetic nudge, but the effort of spellcasting during heavy exertion was more than his fortitude could stand. He strained to hold the cart while he dug his hooves into the hard dirt path. Maybe he could slowly back up and take a longer but flatter road to the party.

It didn't help his situation when a timber wolf staggered out of a side alley on its hind legs. It had a sickening wrongness in its predatory stance and looked as if it should fall over at any moment but didn't. Its eyes were dull and dark, which didn't happen in healthy specimens. Maybe it had Dutch Elm Rabies or a lethal case of vampiric wood lice. He left the ground just long enough for the cart to build up backwards momentum. As he tried to raise a basic ward spell, the movement jerked him off his hooves and dragged him down until the cart slammed against a street sign. The timber wolf lurched towards him with shocking speed, still perfectly balanced on its hind paws. They only got up on two legs when they were really aggressive.

“Are you okay?” the timber wolf said. “Sorry for scaring you there.”

“Bluh?” Cinnamon Styx said. As far as he knew, timber wolves weren't even sapient, much less fluent in common equine languages. He struggled out of his harness.

The creature gave a strange, joyless little chuckle. “I guess my costume is really good then.”

Cinnamon let out a bray of relief. “Oh, a costume! Yes, it really is a magnificent one. I assume you're on your way to Pinkie Pie's Meet-the-Stranger-from-Another-World party too?”

The apparition inclined its head. As if just realizing the awkwardness of its stance, this person hunched down on all fours like a normal pony.
“Yep, just an inquistive local. How about you?”

Cinnamon coughed and looked over his shoulder. The crates were thankfully still intact. “I'm delivering Gingerbread Humans. Pinkie Pie wants a lot of them at the buffet tables for some reason. Normally you only see them at unicorn birthday festivals and Pre-Equestrian holidays. I'm afraid I'm not used to hauling loads this big.”

The stranger trotted a little closer. The costume creaked and groaned with arboreal menace. He certainly moved with the eerie confidence of an apex predator. “What are those, baked and breaded humans?” The stranger whispered the question in a blank, calm voice.
Cinnamon laughed. “Of course not! Two-legged deer have been extinct for ages! These are just little spiced cookies that are shaped like humans. They were made at the historic Feast of Heroes because they couldn't find any humans for miles around, plus they didn't want to offend their earth pony guests, and they went from being a vegetarian human substitute to a family favorite. The original cookies were much larger, of course,” he said, and then stopped. The stranger was completely still and silent. A distant flock of crows took off over the everfree forest. He needed to remember that other ponies weren't as interested in Unicorn Baking History as he was. “Sorry, I hope I'm not boring you.” He scratched the ground with a hoof.

“No, not at all,” the costumed pony said in a low voice. “So, earth ponies didn't eat these 'two-legged deer' but unicorns and pegasi did?”

“Just the unicorns,” Cinnamon Styx explained happily. “I think that pegasi can't even digest red meat.”

“Interesting,” the stranger said. “That explains it,” he whispred. “But then...hm.”

The stranger reared up on his hind hooves again. “Why don't I help you get that load up the hill, and I can keep you company on the way to the party?”

“That'd be mighty helpful,” Cinnamon said. The figure galloped behind the cart. Cinnamon barely had time to get in his harness before the stranger started pushing.

“You sure have great foreleg strength,” Cinnamon said. Maybe he was an earth pony. If so, he was remarkably good for not taking offense at a mention of the Old Divide. Most of the earth ponies he met could be a little over-sensitive about that.

He hauled along until they got past the crest of the hill, whereupon his new friend let go and the momentum took over. A rolling weight was easier to deal with. The sun hadn't even set yet, but already there was a chill of night in the air.

Dragon Meats

Pinkie Pie was having a VERY rough night. The temporarily less-than-friendly relations between Sterling and Blues had been the easiest-peasiest Pinkie Party snafu to un-snafu. (Snafu was a funny word.) It was times like this she wished there was another pony with a comparable party planning capacity and maybe similar singing skills and a food themed cutie mark. As it was, she'd sent out emergency Pinkie Party participation signals to part-time assistant party planners everywhere east of Las Pegasus.
“I'm glad to see you two getting along at least,” Pinkie Pie said to Butterhooves and Zephyr. She tried to stay positive and present a countenance of complete party perfection. “I'm just going to check up on the refreshing refreshments and see if the gin fizzes are fizzy enough and make sure the chocolate lava cake doesn't erupt, okay? I'll check in with two of my best friends later!”
Pinkie darted over to the interspecies concession stands. Ever since her brush with the gryphon-made eclair and chocolate moose, and her experiences with forensic procedures and due process, she'd become curious about the culinary traditions of other lands and creatures. She supposed that dragons should have a natural affinity for cooking and baking since they didn't need special tools or kitchens to roast food, although maybe the flame wasn't at the right temperature to heat food easily, and if they had to puff out all that fire for half an hour they might get out of breath, although of course it would be much simpler if they just used the flame to start a fire with a pile of sticks but then ponies could already do the same thing with matches so maybe it wasn't that handy-dandy after all. Still, she wanted to try some dragon cuisine.

Pinkie Pie plopped her bits down on the counter. “A plate of dragon dumplings, if you please, Ms. Marge” she said, keeping all the jitters and nerves out of her bright happy voice. Party planning needed a lot of food to fuel the process, and she'd been on her hooves all evening.

Marge the dragon served out a cabbage-leaf bowl with the dainty delicacies. The dragon also gave her a free cup of red tea to wash it down, although it wasn't much more than lukewarm, but maybe dragons liked their food hot and their drinks tepid. She bit into the first dumpling. It had some kind of root-based flower, maybe potato flour or turnip flower, with just a hint of ginger and honey. The filling had a few chili slices mixed into the thicker bulk, with a rich, tough texture. She wasn't sure what it reminded her of, maybe eggplant or seitan, and it tasted a bit like tofu dogs but without mustard or ketchup. After she gobbled up the other dumplings, she felt less peckish than she had before. That was unusual when she ate anything less than a bucketful of anything.

“These have a really good texture, and they're really filling, Marge. I don't think I've had something this hunger-sating since the turnip-greens-and-bulgar-wheat-eating-contest over in Canterlot.” She smacked her lips. “What's the recipe?”

“They're dragon dumplings,” Marge said, slowly and carefully, as if there was something she thought Pinkie hadn't understood. Maybe Marge was just talking slowly because Pinkie Pie moved too fast for her.

“I mean, what's 'em? Sauteed seitan? Eggplant stir-fry? Pulverized deep-fried bean curd with a sprinkle of nutmeg? Processed peanuts? Galvinized goat cheese?”

“My great uncle Tyrannus,” Marge said. “Well, that and some ghost peppers, wrapped in a parsnip-pudding bread coating.” She frowned and counted on her claws. “Also a little candied ginger, for contrasting flavor.”

Pinkie Pie nodded. “I thought I tasted something sweet and gingery there. You really are a great cook, Marge, and I hope you're getting plenty of business at my p-”

Pinkie's tail and main shot out straight into the air. She leaned over, and her hair curled around to drive into the ground like a stake and lifted her up to eye-level with Marge the dragon.

“C-could you just repeat that first ingredient, I'm pretty sure I couldn't have possibly heard right.” She said with a little giggle that almost didn't sound forced.

“They're traditional dragon funeral meats,” Marge explained, her tail twitching back and forth, her voice low and soothing. “When a dragon died, their body is divided up and shared amongst friends and relatives so they can feel an enduring connection to their loved ones and process their grief on a visceral level. Dear old Tyrannus was always interested in interspecies harmony, so I thought this would be an appropriate way to give him a sendoff while sharing a little taste of dragon culture with equines.” She frowned. “Did I say something wrong?”

Pinkie Pie was sweating, but she smiled wide. “Nope, not at all! That's okey-dokey Loki. Just, m-maybe you might wanna put up a list of ingredients in case somepony has a food allergy to parsnips.” She swallowed. “Or something.”

Pinkie Pie darted off and ordered a pitcher of blueberry-gin smoothie from Wilbeforth the Gryphon, and drank it as quickly as she could without getting brain-freeze. She'd never heard anything about this from Spike, but then he was raised by ponies and unfamiliar with draconic customs. Back at Marge's food stall, lots of unicorns were lining up for second helpings.

Maybe this party was a bit of a mistake. Marge the dragon certainly proved that different creatures had different attitudes to food and other living things, and maybe the unicorn point-of-view was one that couldn't be easily swayed with good non-human food, a bowl of punch and a singsong. Maybe there were too many things about her close friends that she didn't really know, and she couldn't...

Pinkie noticed her pitcher was empty. She paid for the drink and handed the empty pitcher back to the gryphon. What she needed was some good hot food and spicy drinks to warm her up. She hopped over to the stand with zombie pepper enchiladas and extra-spicy Bloody Mares.

Author's Note

Pinkie Pie tries some dragon dumplings and gets a taste of cultural relativism.

Icing on the Cake

Blossomforth sized up her cards. It was nice change of pace not to be playing Go Fish again, and Pinkie Pie had marked off a big “Quieter Zone” in the party, for board games, cards, and piles of pillows to rest on until the land stopped spinning so fast. She'd said something about “making room for less extroverted donkeys and shy pegasi”. She slapped down the six of cups on the five of pentacles and drew a card.

“Your turn,” she said, after a sip from her appletini.

Cloud Kicker frowned at the assembled minor arcana, along with The Tower and The Moon. She tried to take a peek at Flitter's hand before getting a gentle but firm wing to the face.

“I guess I'll Petition this turn,” she said, picking up two cards and nodding to Flitter. She took a long drag on her small cider with a hay straw and salt-rimmed half-apple in it. She was a real lightweight, but you needed three ponies for a decent game, and Blossomforth needed a lot of time to build her energy and hold back the panic attacks before rejoining the party.

Flitter gulped down some Zap-Apple cider, took a sip from her flank flask, and let out a phosphorescent belch. She looked over her cards, glanced at the Timber Wolf and Windigo wailing beneath the painted Moon, then shivered. “Does this party seem a little...tense to you?”

She put her three of pentacles down beneath The Moon after a long hesitation and drew a card.

Blossomforth looked around. A unicorn she didn't know was staring down Caramel across a friendly game of Thud that didn't seem to friendly. Clusters of ponies where whispering together, glaring, ignoring their hot food and cold drinks.

She stared at the three of pentacles like she'd never seen it before. She could lead off that with a two of cups, but that would lead her open to an Ace-Arcana slam. She'd been holding back The Lovers since the game started. Major Arcanas were like the fine china, you never knew when the occasion was important enough to take them out. While she nibbled her cocktail garnish and weighed her options, an unequine voice hissed in her ear.

“We hunger!”

Blossomforth fluttered into the air with a whinny of panic and her companions reared up. A distorted, sub-equine grimace leered down at her while the wind whipped its insubstantial flesh.

“Sorry, sorry, sorry! I didn't mean to scare you that badly!” said the voice, slightly less unearthly now.

Blossomforth coughed and gathered up her cards. “Please don't do that!” she gasped. Her heart was hammering like an avalanche.
The menacing costumed figure leaned down on it's stilts. “Let me help,” the thing said, managing to pick up a stray card with it's clumsy costumed limbs and pocketing the feathes of her sudden molting in the process.

“Sorry. Sorry. Is everypony having a good time? Need any more drinks?” the figure said. It lowered down a tray with apple-slices covered by peanut butter and cheese.

Cloud Kicker took a couple off the tray. “Thank you, um,”

“Call me Reiko,” the stranger said. Maybe it wasn't a pony after all. Did pinkie hire dragon caterers or donkey party apprentices?
Blossomforth took one of the treats. The cheese was a really sharp cheddar. “Thank you, Reiko. It's quite good.”

The figure hovered, swaying back and forth on its stilts.

“Um, I was...I thought...maybe...”

Blossomforth stared at it. She could visualize the sweat collecting behind the mask.

“CanIhaveyourautograph?” it gasped, and then recoiled as if expecting to be kicked in the face.

“Um, I guess?” Blossomforth said, taking the proffered paper and quill. She didn't know why anyone would think her famous enough to want an autograph.

The figure thanked her profusely and lurched away. Blossomforth finished her drink and thought, what the Tartarus. She slammed down The Lovers right next to The Moon.

Something strange was definitely going on tonight.

“Ow!” Penny Whistle yelped. Something cold and slimey dribbled down his horn while his head throbbed from the impact. Upon crossing his eyes, he noticed the edge of a firemelon.

He looked around. There were some slices of firemelon with swiss cheese and jerked tofu at the snack table, and diced chunks of firemelon in the more elaborate cocktails, but there was nowhere a whole firemelon could have fallen on him.

“This better not be one of Pinkie’s pranks,” he muttered. He wasn’t fond of pranking at the best of times. He tried to shake it free from his horn, but just splashed some of the spicy juices into his eyes in the process. He bit back a scream.

“Not funny!” he snarled. “Who did this?”

The laughter of mares caught his attention. Maple Cookie was juggling fruits while her friend Boiled Okra snorted and guffawed. The squat green mare might have been amused by the little display, but she seemed to be looking at him more. She was always the first one to laugh at a mean joke, ever since that quip about him having to retake magic kindergarten.

Concentrating his telekinetic energy, Penny Whistle plucked the fruit free. It would be really petty, he thought, to fling it back in Okra’s ugly little face, especially since he didn’t really know she was laughing at him. Somebody had to have thrown it though, right?

He shook his head. No, he was going to be the bigger pony, like always, and take it all in stride. He made his way over to the table and filled a glass of vodka-elderberry punch.

The wet squelch, followed by a series of bops on the back of his head in increasing strength, weakened his resolve.

“I’m really sorry,” Maple Cookie said, visibly struggling not to laugh. “I just slipped on a patch of ice.”

Penny Whistle lifted up the punch bowl, emptied it on Maple Cookie, who screamed, and then flung the spoon at Okra’s perpetually clogged nose. Maple Cookie gasped, and for just a moment, he felt a little ashamed.

That moment passed. “Apology accepted.”

“What the hay did she do to you?” Maple shrieked, pointing at her friend, with tears welling in her eyes.

“She was laughing at me!” Penny Whistle said, his anger growing in proportion to the uncertainty of his justification. “I just had hot melon-juice in my eyes for buck’s sake!”

“I was laughing because my friend is funny!” Okra shrieked. She flung the spoon back at him. It missed and struck Berryshine the unicorn on the head.

“Oh, sorry!” Okra said.

Berryshine charged up her magenta magic into a tray of artisanal pineapple-teriyaki hayburgers and declined the apology. The plate bounced off Okra’s head and smacked Maple Cookie between the eyes.

Maple Cookie’s face went completely blank.

Okra was still crying, but they were tears of rage. “You bone-eating mother-bucking bloodthirsty little carrot-heads!”

Author's Note

The party really gets into full swing.

The Fireworks Start

Pinkie Pie let out a confetti-filled sigh of relief. Sweat flattened her mane against her back. Her party hat drooped like an overcooked carrot.

The party was finally starting to warm up again. It was touch and go for a while there, like spinning a bunch of plates on top of poles without letting any of them slow down or fall, only instead of crockery (that was a funny word, crockery, like crocodile, or crockpot) they were ponies, and instead of stopping them from falling she was breaking up arguments and stopping fights and solving friendship problems, and really it wasn’t that much like spinning plates anyway, it was a lot harder.

Pinkie Pie crawled under a lime-green canopy with All-Seeing Nightmare Eyes painted on it, picked up a pitcher of hard limeade punch with pickled carrots and pear slices in it, and settled into the grass under the table. Nopony else was grabbing a drink at this particular stand. She didn’t want anypony to think she was all partied out so early in the night, but the grass was cool, and soft, and tasty. She nibbled a little circle around herself and took several long, long gulps of limey-sweet punch.

At least this time she didn’t try to stop a race war from breaking out by singing. She’d learned her lesson then, no matter how cute and bouncy the outfit had been. (Rarity had insisted Big Mac wear it later for a Burlesque Show to benefit arts education in outlying Equestria. He’d stretched it out so much she could have used it for fishing later, except that she didn’t really like going fishing because it was more of a Pegasus thing, and some of the holes were big enough that the fish would just slip right through them.)

Before she knew it, Pinkie Pie found herself crunching up pear and carrots and sucking the ice cubes. The ground around her was bare. The night felt later and colder. She rubbed her eyes. She couldn’t have slept through the party, could she?
There was still lots of noise around her, laughing and shouting and small explosions. She still smelled lots of mixed drinks and fried food and smoke on the air. Either a very creative and fun-loving bunch of changelings had swept down, taken over Ponyville, and hurried to put up a pretense of normality so as to appear perfectly integrated to outside observers, or her party was still going along just fine. She’d just needed a little Pinkie-Pony power-nap.

She gave a gasp of fear and delight, poofed up her mane, and pretended she hadn’t been tired at all by bouncing around very fast. It was important to be happy and excited at a party. Everyone needed to know it was a good place to have fun, and you didn’t want to go to a party to feel sad, and seeing sad ponies was bound to make everypony sad, right? No problem at all, no siree, everything was Okey-Dokey Loki.

“Aah, a timber wolf!” She squealed. She bounced away, then scurried back. “Wait, you’re not really a timber wolf, are you? Of course not. I know you’re not a timber wolf but sometimes I like to play along and pretend to be scared because it’s fun to get scared sometimes. You know this isn’t a costume party, right? I mean, there’s nothing wrong with showing up in costume, some of my friends are wearing costumes, but you don’t have to come in costume like you do to a fancy masked ball where all the foods are really tiny things on sticks and there’s too much weird cheese and tiny green things and lots of slow slow dancing to slow slow music. How are you enjoying the party?”

“Um, good?” The figure said. He spoke like words cost diamonds, and moved like somepony who ate way too much paste after kissing a friendly bright-colored toad on the back and suddenly thought their skin was made of glass and their heart was about to turn into bees. Or maybe they were moving more like a cat burglar trying to steal a bunch of wind chimes and crystal bells in a house made of hay fries and rice paper.

“Are you new around here? I don’t think I’ve seen anyone like you around here, even though I can’t really see you but I can sort of make out your outline around the twigs and leaves, and you certainly seem bipedal, so maybe you’re a dragon or a minotaur? I only know one or two dragons, and you’re too tiny to be a big dragon and too short to be a sea serpent and too big to be Spike and anyway Spike wouldn’t be up this late but you’re too quiet for a minotaur, at least too quiet to be the only minotaur I know, although I would like to get to know more minotaurs because I love making new friends!” She gasped. There was something about that outline, something that reminded her of Saturday mornings, and toystore shelves, and busy conventions with really bad food. “You are new around here, aren’t you! That must mean you don’t have any friends here yet, or do you? Maybe you make friends really fast?”

The figure stared at her. The wind whistled. Not too far away, a gaggle of young gals got into a belching contest.
“I know Applejack,” the figure said. “Do you know anyone else who’s, um, new to town, and kind of strange? Maybe about my size and shape?”

“Well, there is my friend Reiko the h -mmph!” Pinkie Pie crammed a hoof into her mouth. She’d almost given away the identity of her human friend, before the big midnight reveal! That would ruin a surprise and possibly expose her to almost getting eaten alive, and that would really ruin her night and spoil a lot of appetites when there were so many delicious treats around. Also she really didn’t want her newest friend to die in horrible agony. It was so terrible when that happened. Agonizing death was one of the few things you couldn’t make fun, no matter how much you tried, so you just partied harder and harder and made as many new friends as you could and tried never to look back or think about the things that made you sad and never, ever, EVER break a Pinkie Promise. “Yeah, there’s a few strangers in town,” she said, deliberately avoiding eye contact and trying to sound cool.

“Look out!” somepony shouted.

The dry twigs were hit with a shower of sparks from a misfired firework. The stranger yelped and rolling on the ground, twigs cracking and falling away like icing on a badly-baked cookie. Pinkie Pie reached for something to douse the flames.
Smoke was followed by more fire, and the stranger started screaming. Pinkie Pie looked at the empty bottle of applejack in her hooves.

“Oops.” She hurried to grab the next non-alcoholic wet thing in reach. It turned out that seven-bean dip and savory mesquite mango-corn salsa had excellent fire-extinguishing capabilities.

The figure rose, smeared with condiments, the last of the protective camouflage gone. It was another human. At her party. Before the big reveal. Before she’d taken everyone out for rounds of competitive pie eating or armed her array of sticky toffee assault rifles.

The chill wind carried the scents of seasonings and sweat through the night air. A sea of horns rose up from the crowd.

Author's Note

Unmasking happens before midnight.

Chapter 41

For a dozen heartbeats, nopony did anything. The ungulate herd mentality ruled. Then the unicorns sprang.

This didn’t work well, because every unicorn sprang at once, and nearly all of them had been enjoying very good cocktails. Jamal had started running by the time the first unicorn left the ground. He had the athleticism of somebody for whom running has long been a survival trait.

Lemon Hearts and Rarity were the first to break free of the pile-up. The earth ponies and pegasi, at least, those who hadn’t been bowled into by a staggering unicorn, didn’t know how to react to what was going on. Lemon Hearts charged ahead, while Rarity restrained herself a little, keeping her nudges gentle and murmuring apologies through frothing saliva.

Jamal seemed to realize that two legs couldn’t outpace four for long. That’s when he sprang up onto Berry Punch’s back, stood up on his feet, and jumped.

Rarity and Lemon Hearts were slowed down by the confused crowd, but then they remembered that they had magic. Telekinetic blasts and stunning spells strafed by Jamal. Some of the more hearty unicorns rose to their hooves and joined in the fray. Unfortunately, most of them hit fellow ponies by mistake.

A few minor scuffles broke out, as earth ponies with singed manes and pegasi with flaming feathers explained the unintended unpleasantness that their unicorn brethren had caused and how it had offended them, via the medium of a high-speed facial massage with the edge of their hooves.

Jamal was demonstrating the amazing speed and dexterity that can be achieved by a tailless biped. It shouldn’t be possible for something so gangly and strange to walk like that without falling over, but he did more than walk. He leapt from back to shifting equine back, then landed himself on Blossomforth.

“Giddyhup!” he shouted.

Blossomforth had been already on the point of bolting when things got freaky. Her wings were straining, and her legs were primed. A sharp smack to the ass and the word of command set off her already fried senses, and she took to the air.

She had shot past a hail of slowing spells and a magic missile before she could start thinking. There was a two-legged creature of some kind, on her back. She turned her head around to glare at her assailant.

“What the Tartarus are you, and why did you smack my ass? Like, maybe buy me a drink first?”

The creature smiled at her. Its teeth were very, very white, and its small eyes were stretched as wide as they could go. “Sorry. Really sorry miss Pegasus. No offense intended, I just really needed a quick lift.” He laughed hoarsely. “You understand, right? I didn’t mean anything, um, I don’t, no offense, didn’t mean anything by it, I just really had to get out of there.”

Blossomforth frowned, a bit mollified, but still perturbed by this alien creature. “You could try asking next time. How would you feel if I hopped onto your shoulders and squeezed your nipples?”

The creature laughed again. It should be squinting in the wind, but its eyes were wide and unblinking. It’s furless skin was as shiny as a fresh-caught frog.

“Honestly? With the kind of day I’ve been having, I think I’d just take it all in stride.”

Now, if the people below had been minotaurs, or dragons, or gryphons, the fight would have escalated into a party-wide brawl. Instead, it was sticking to isolated pockets. Pinkie Pie had gotten a chorus chain of earth ponies and unicorns to join her in a rousing song. Some of the more level-headed ponies were restraining their friends, and a few unicorns had even cast spell damper nets to reduce the change of injuring innocent equines in the crossfire. Blossomforth relaxed a little, surveying the limited damage. Many of her fellow pegasi had taken wing, but cloudkicker was restraining a frothing-mouthed green unicorn she didn’t recognize with both wings.

“What’s up with these guys?” Blossomforth asked. “I’ve known some of these unicorns all my life, and most of my earth pony friends don’t solve disputes with a hoof to the lower jaw.”

Her hitchhiker began a roundabout, panicked explanation. When he got to the part about Twilight Sparkle trying to eat his flesh, she was so startled that she bucked in the air. She suddenly felt a lot lighter.

The good news, from Pinkie Pie’s perspective, was that somepony had caught the new human before he hit the ground.

The bad news was that somepony was a huddle of hungry unicorns. Their tugging and pulling in different directions meant that, while he was in some duress, no one unicorn managed to get him into biting range.

Pinkie sighed. She would try to salvage the party afterwards. Now it was time for Plan Q.

The food was squirming in the air, like a worm on a hook. Lemon Hearts tugged with her horn, but she’d never been that great at telekinesis.
She’d spent her whole life around these friends, munching grass and oats and flowers, roasting apples, digging into tofu dogs and hayburgers. She’d never realized that, all this time, she’d been half-asleep.

She wanted to chase stinking, grunting, screaming prey. She wanted to taste hot, salt blood in her mouth. She wanted to sheer meat from bone with her long teeth. She’d played nice with the local bears at the petting zoo, and nodded respectfully when one of the Apple family’s breeding bulls walked by.

She wanted fresh, bloody food. She wanted it now, and more than anything, she wanted this one treat, the savory thing that all her senses screamed out for, that her scent and body had fine-tuned itself to seek out, eons ago, when protein was more important than manners.
She could hear a rousing song about acknowledging differences and eating cupcakes. She didn’t want cupcakes right now. If she was going to sing anything, it would be a song of raw meat, and sweet sweat, and chasing her prey to exhaustion across a frozen tundra.

“Hey ice-cream-cone head! Over here!”

Lemon Hearts jerked around. In certain Canterlot bars, shouting that insult could get your face punched in, your hip twisted, and your genitals magically transmuted into a harmonica.

The wendigo figure tore off its mask and sleeves. It revealed a…human face.

“Wanna bite something?” the creature shouted. It sunk nearly-blunt teeth into the side of its arm, then jerked its mouth free, scattering drops of blood as it waved the wounded limb. “Mm-mm, it’s hoof-licking good!”

Lemon Hearts released her telekinesis. She forgot about the human here. All she could sense was the pounding smell of hot, sweet blood. It reached into her hindbrain and dusted off some more long-disused instincts.

She lowered her horn, cried out, and charged.

The wendigo-human stalked away on stilts. Above the shouts and the fighting, Lemon Hearts might have heard the words “I really didn’t think this through!”

Chapter 42

Lemon Hearts was attempting to squeeze through the crowd, somewhat hindered by the hooves in her face and sides. She could almost reach the delicious prey with her telekinetic magic.

“Why don’t we work together?” Penny Whistle shouted in her ear. He had to shout to be heard over the arguing and snarling of the other unicorns, spell blasts, and angry shouting of the Earth Ponies and Pegasi.

“You just want it for yourself!” Lemon Hearts snarled. This was the first meat meal she could have in six years, (she’d been really luck to get first dips on the elderly bear that died of natural causes, and Fluttershy hadn’t been in town to claim the remains for her Animal Graveyard.) She wasn’t just another grass-munching hay-gulping herbivore, no matter how she pretended otherwise. She was designed to feed on other living creatures.

“No really. Wouldn’t a little slice be better than none at all? None of us can reach it because we’re all pulling against each other.”
Somepony jabbed their horn into her ribs. It was blunt, but it still hurt a lot. She looked at the human, still floating off her stilts, wavering between points in the air.

Maybe she should compromise. After all, something is better than nothing, and hadn’t she been raised from a filly to share with friends and neighbors? She shouldn’t deny her fellow unicorns a once-in-a-lifetime taste of divine bliss.

“Okay, I can trust you at least,” she said, and aligned her telekinses with his. The human shifted slightly in their direction.
Suddenly, she didn’t feel so cold. She dug in her hooves and tried to think of a good bisection spell, the kind normally used for making potato chips out of raw potatoes.

Her concentration was broken, along with her nose. Maple Cookie drove his point home by delivering a suplex. It was nothing that wouldn’t heal, eventually, but it got her attention.

Lemon Hearts lashed back with a tickle spell, which proved ineffective. He grabbed her hoof and repeatedly pounded it against her broken nose, smearing blood in her mouth and eyes while shouting “Stop bucking yourself! Stop bucking yourself!”

A minor Conjuration of Fire and Water directed at his hindquarters made her objections a bit more clear. He reared up to retaliate, but Maple Cookie touched him with a Caress of Morphius spell and he fell down, fast asleep.

There were still lots of fights going on, but they turned their attention to the human. Their focus was so intent, that they didn’t notice the approaching candy-cane helicopter until it eclipsed the view.

“Sorry! Slight change of plans but don’t worry I’m going to get this party sorted out as soon as everypony calms down I swear don’t worry and here have some tofu jerky!” Pinkie Pie shouted down at them as she snatched up the human and pedaled with all her might.

Author's Note

Plan Q begins.

Chapter 43

“What the hay?” Applejack shouted, dropping her pitchfork in surprise. There was a small stampede of ponies coming towards her barn, with Apple Brown Betty at the front of the mob.

The crowd of ponies managed to slow themselves down before actually plowing through the barn (this one had lasted three whole months), but there was a lot of panicked screams and whinnies before she could get anything resembling a coherent sentence out of them.

Applejack had to ask them to repeat themselves many times. She couldn’t believe her ears. She’d lived alongside plenty of unicorns all her life, and they could be a little prissy and persnickety, but trying to eat meat?! Especially living, talking animals? That had to be impossible.

The descriptions of the tailless bipeds they gave were vague enough that she couldn’t be sure if Jamal was among them. Well, how many nearly-hairless critters walking and talking on two awkward legs could there be in Ponyville? At least two, to go by the account.

She had led her new friend Jamal right into Twilight Sparkle’s house. Twilight Sparkle, her trusted friend, chosen by Celestia, another wielder of the elements of harmony. She trusted Twilight Sparkle with her own head and hooves as much as a summer day was long. They’d saved each other’s lives time and time again. They’d beaten Discord, the lord of madness and terrors, together, for Pony’s sake.

Applejack scratched the ground with her hooves as the foals and mares filled in the account of the catastrophe with more details, and probably a small dose of moonshine, knowing the way tales grew in the telling and how panic acted on an ordinary horse’s imagination. Still, they agreed about a lot of the specifics.

…hadn’t Rainbow Dash once mentioned something to her about fishing trips with dad, catching fish to eat them? That was Pegasi, though, not Unicorns.

They’d been through a lot together, they’d learned a lot together, but how much did Applejack really know about Twilight’s background? How much did she know about pre-Celestian history, beyond the simple unification tale of Hearth’s Warming Eve?

Fear sent shivers down her spine, and guilt wriggled into her heart like a worm in a rotten apple.

“So, why are ya’ll comin’ here? Why not go talk to the Mayor Mare or somepony?” Applejack asked the tramping crowd.

They looked at each other sheepishly.

“Well, we thought maybe we should, it’s big and safe in the barn, and-“

“To arms!” shouted a dark blue stallion.

“It’s pitchforks and torches time!” somepony else squealed.

“Death to the carrot-heads!”

“Whoa there!” Applejack shouted. “Just hold your horses and calm the Tartarus down! And watch yer language, my little sister is working just over in the next field!” She glared, searching amongst the shifting hooves and shamed faces for the originator of the slur.

“We’ve got to be ready to defend ourselves!” Caramel whinnied. “And, the ‘humans,’ of course.”

Applejack scratched her nose. “Well, I reckon it’s a bit premature for torches and pitchforks time. That kinda thing can turn ugly pretty quickly.”

She thought about Jamal, with his blunt, useless claws, barely sharp canine teeth, two wobbly legs that couldn’t outrun four, and total lack of spines, scales, venom, or magic.

“Tell ya what. I’ll have a word with Granny about this matter, and maybe if she thinks it’s really serious, we can try to get this sorted out peacefully, like decent folk do.”

A lot of the crowd groaned.

“And just in case, if I think it’s really serious, I can start passing out stun pies and bean bag canons. Maybe a few potato guns, but only to the more level-headed ponies, and only as a precaution. I swear some of ya’ll are jumpy as jitterbugs.”

Rainbow Dash woke up to the whirring chatter of Pinkie Pie. She already had a mild hangover, and the buzzing excitement of somepony who, experience had proved, could down a gallon of schnapps and still wake up bright eyed and bushy tailed four hours later, did not improve her mood. She squinted against the painful light, ignored the chatter and the strange swaying figures, puked over the cloud balcony, and groped her way through the kitchen to brew some coffee.

While the kettle heated up, Rainbow Dash stuffed some wads of cloud in her ears and rummaged through her Workout Supplies for some pickle juice. She drained two jars of it in five gulps, then ate some straight mustard and hot sauce. She felt marginally more like a Pegasus and marginally less like a radioactive donkey skeleton with rats humping inside of it.

She stared longingly at the carton of eggs. Fried eggs and hay would be just the greasy kind of stuff she needed to sponge up the poisons inside her, but she could only do that once her stomach had settled enough.

When the kettle screamed, she poured it into the bean mix and honey. It percolated into her “Buck Off and Die” extra-large mug with painful slowness, while the throbbing in her head eased back to a tolerable level. Once the mug was full, she tossed the grounds into the compost, cooled it off with a Zephyr, and began drinking. Thirty seconds later, she paused to take a breath. After that, she finished off the mug, and belched out the acrid, plaster-melting, unpleasantly wet burp that follows a night of drinking and an upset stomach. She took in slow breathes and drank some water straight from the kitchen sink’s faucet. Slowly, reacting to the vague memories nudging in her brain, she turned around.

“Holy Celestia’s armpit tits, what the hay are you?” were the words she tried to say. Because they were routed through her peptic-acid-scorched throat, they came out as a confused mumble. It didn’t help that they were louder inside her skull, and the hypothetical rats hadn’t completely finished their marital bliss.

“We’re humans,” one of them said, while the other one said “I’m one of your biggest fans!”

Rainbow Dash blinked slowly.

“I’m gonna need a lot more coffee.”

Author's Note

Applejack and Rainbow Dash each get visitors

Chapter 44

Twilight Sparkle waved her horn over the scrying bowl. This spell hadn’t been successfully used for 2907 years. After all, who needed a human locator spell in the Celestian era?

There was some sort of ruckus going on further downtown. She’d heard some explosions, some wet, viscous sounds, and a lot of shouting and cursing. It was probably something Pinkie Pie and her other friends could get out. They’d let her know if something was really serious and needed a big Friendship Lesson to solve it, or some kind of advanced magic. Right now, she had her own advanced magic to do.

She rubbed her hooves together. “Spike? Could you please get me that coffee I asked for?”

“It’s right next to the inkwell,” Spike said, rolling his eyes.

Twilight Sparkle frowned. She pulled her quill out of the coffee mug. That explained the funny taste.

“Are you feeling alright, Twilight?” Spike said.

“Fine! This is coming along perfectly. And they said the Anthromancy Tablets were just an old pony’s tale.” She chuckled and took a sip of ink. “Sure, I haven’t slept for twenty six hours,”

“Thirty-six,” Spike corrected.

“More or less, but my thoughts are keener than ever! I am going to remake unicorn history!”

“Didn’t you kind of already do that when you redeemed Nightmare Moon and defeated Discord?” Spike said, scratching his scales.

Twilight waved the notion aside. She was finally reaching a breakthrough.

She could see fog swirling in the water. No, not fog, clouds, and in the cloud was an arch of multi-colored light.

“A-ha! Spike, fetch me the book-lover’s book of book spells for bookish unicorns!”

Applejack stared at the map of ponyville and took a deliberate swig of middle-grade moonshine. Her hooves were still, but her heart was trembling. All the red spots on the map represented unicorn households and places of business. The blue marks were earth pony areas. There was a lot of purple on the map.

She never thought she’d have to do this. If somepony told her ten years ago, or two years ago, that she’d have to mark out ponies she worked and played with all her life like dragon lairs or goblin hoards, she’d have spat in their eye.

“Are the pie-cannons ready?” Applejack asked, unwilling to look up from the map. There was a big, red mark right at the Boutique, and one at the Library Treehouse.

“Eeyup.”

“How about the throwing bolas?” She reckoned Jamal was her friend too, after a fashion, but what do you do when friends want to eat other friends alive? Did dragons ever have to deal with problems like this? This was plum crazy. She knew these ponies!

“Eeyup.”

She thought she knew them.

“Seed bombs?”

“Eeyup.”

Applejack took another swig. Her hooves were still steady. It wasn’t a good idea to drink moonshine before lunch. She shouldn’t really be making big plans like this. Then again, she knew her limits, and she really, really, really didn’t want to have to deal with this sober as a club soda.

“How about…about the beanbag canons and the onion gas?” She really hoped it didn’t come to that. She’d dropped a fermenting bottle of onion gas once, when they were getting a shipment ready for the frontier on the border of Draconia, and she’d been coughing and teary-eyed for days.

Maybe it wouldn’t come to this. Maybe it didn’t have to all careen out of control. Maybe she could talk her friends around to the right point of view, and then they could all sort his out and laugh about it later.

It might be easier if she had, well, another one of the gang on her side. There was one person you could always count on. That lightning bolt necklace had to count for something, didn’t it?

“You can sort the rest out. I’m headin’ out to pay a visit to Rainbow Dash.”

Lyra wasn’t thinking about giving up exactly. She never gave up. Not when it was this important.

The Nandi Bear hadn’t been as filling as she’d thought. She’d gone over a day without proper food now, and her water was running low. She’d faithfully followed the spell-charged tooth, even though it flickered and changed direction sometimes, and the source was getting weaker and weaker. Sympathetic magic would always pull through in the end.

Parasprites buzzed around her. Inedible ferns and dry brambles clutched at her legs.

Then it happened. The sky…bulged, somehow, what she could see of it. The air split open from end to end and turned inside itself. She could smell the colors of the forest, taste the sounds of untamed animals, and feel the darkness brushing against the inside of her bones.

“-lying jailbait slut!” her wildest dream shouted, before falling down in front of her.

Its skin was furless, except for a thick mane on the head. It’s teeth and claws were blunt. It wasn’t wearing the dragon-hide shield or holding a spear, and instead of owlbear skin its artificial hide was some thin, grey fabric and worn blue jeans. A strange medallion hung around it’s neck.

She looked closer. The name “Max” was written on it, followed by a very rude word for a castrated bull, the strange word “Bronycon” and what looked like-

“No way,” she gasped. It was a picture of a pony.

On the human’s shirt was a much bigger image of a pony. It was Rainbow Dash.

“They know,” she whispered. She pulled the human up on its awkwardly balanced legs, squeezed it between her forelegs, and drank in a smell richer than the finest apple wine.

“What the hell?” the human shouted.

Lyra locked eyes with it.

“Tell me everything you know.”

Chapter 45

Rainbow Dash now had two pots of coffee inside her, some hay hash with eggs (made by one of her alien guests, who had never cooked it before but apparently spent a lot of time looking up fantasy-world cooking on the interweb), more hangover remedies, a Bloody Mare and some battered cod. The caffeine and nourishment had settled the pounding in her head, but the world still didn’t make any sense.

It didn’t help that the two “humans” kept talking over each other and interrupting each other. It seemed very important to the tall one, but the shorter one kept asking probing questions about her personal life. The tall human seemed to have more of a grip on the important things in the situation, but he kept spouting things about Twilight Sparkle that didn’t make any sense and would get side-tracked talking about his daughter.

Then her copy of Daring Do and the Dragon’s Blood started yelling.

“Hold that thought,” Rainbow Dash said, putting a hoof over each of their mouths. She darted over to her bookcase. This day just kept getting weirder.

She tugged the novel out. The voice seemed to be coming from just behind the cover.

“Hey, Rainbow!”

Twilight Sparkle was right there, waving up at her from the text explaining that if this book was found without its cover it was “stripped” and had been reported destroyed or lost, and A. K. Yearling had not received any royalties from its sale.

There were more shouts from the humans. “Just hold your horses!” she shouted. “I’ve got a book to answer.

“Am I still hung over?” she asked the book. “What the hay are you doing in the middle of Ahuizotl’s return arc?”

“Oh, I’m just trying out a new spell,” Twilight Sparkle said. “Isn’t it great?”

Rainbow Dash blinked again. “Um, yeah? It’s awesome? But how did you get over here? What’s-“

“Oh, I’m not here. I’m back in my library. I just spelled myself into my copy, and since it’s a verse edition, I’m also showing up in every other copy of the same book!” She beamed.

Rainbow Dash rubbed her forehead. “Well, cool! Great for you.”

“I just wanted to ask you a really big favor, and I needed to get ahold of you very quickly so-“

“Sure! Whatever it is I’ll do it,” Rainbow said hastily.

“Really? You don’t mind?”

“I pinkie promise,” Rainbow Dash said. “Now I’ve got to go see Pinkie’s friends from another world about something.”

She fluttered over to her “guests”. “Sorry about that. What were you saying about bear traps and cakes?”

“It’s not really about-“ the tall human began.

There was a loud thwack against Rainbow’s door. Another thwack came, followed by the sound of her magic doorbell.

“Hang on again,” Rainbow said, “be right back.”

She opened the door. “Hey Applejack! What’re you doing here this early in the morning?”

Applejack raised an eyebrow. “It’s late afternoon.”

“Yeah, well not everypony gets up with the roosters and cows,” Dash muttered. “So, what’s up?”

“Ahm afraid I have a mighty big favor to ask of yah. You know I don’t find asking for help very easy, you know, but this is somethin’ really important, and I reckon you’re the best pony for the job.”

Rainbow’s headache was starting to resurface. “Oh yeah?”

“I need yer help talking sense into another of our dear friends, and well, helping protect somepo-somebody. At any cost. It’s a matter of life and death,” she added, taking off her hat and pawing the ground.

“It can’t be THAT serious,” Rainbow Dash said with a sigh. The eggs and hay were starting to make a move towards the back of her throat.

“Rainbow Dash, I mean what I say.”

“If it’s that serious then yes, I Pinkie Promise. Whatever it is I’ll help you out.” She offered up a weak smile. “I just have to handle a couple of weird things that Pinkie dropped in.”

Rainbow Dash shut the door, gently, and got another pot of coffee and a bloody mare mixed up. She offered the visitors some fried hay, but the tall human said something about not being able to digest it.

“So, guys, just tell me what’s happening, slowly, one at a time. You start first tall guy.”

Rainbow sipped her coffee and started to listen. As the story turned darker, she took big gulps of the bloody mare.

Rarity.

Twilight Sparkle.

Fluttershy, well, that was kind of weird, but she could wave it off later. Maybe that’s why she was so upset when Dash told her about the fishing thing? If she was going to act like that, well, she could go kick a cloud. She wasn’t going to try making nice with Fluttershy when she was in a mood like this.

She returned to the horror, the knowledge that seeped in like blood under a locked door.

She thought about Hopestar night. It had sounded, well, fun and cool then, like an adventure novel. Kick Changeling butt. Eat bears and bulls. Win the prince. She hadn’t asked what “two-legged deers” were, but she hadn’t imagined anything like this. It’s not like they were eating other ponies, after all. She remembered how quickly Twilight and Rarity had torn through the fake bull.

The tall human, Jamal, talked about his meeting with Twilight Sparkle. He’d come to her for help. He’d raised his daughter on stories of their heroics, Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle and all their friends fighting evil and solving problems. He sounded…lost. Betrayed. Like Derpy did whenever Rainbow lost her temper and shouted at her. When he finished, she imagined lots of creatures like these, clutching little toy versions of herself and her friends, listening to their stories, creatures that lived far away from predators, on two awkward legs without even a tail for balance, with blunt teeth and blunt claws and hides so tender they needed clothes all the time and no magic.

The short human, Reiko, showed her the torn earlobe. She seemed more excited, almost happy, about getting part of her face eaten off by Rarity than scared or upset. For a moment, Rainbow Dash wondered what made a person like that, why somebody would giggle and laugh off getting a tender part of their flesh severed.

“What about that extra arm?” Rainbow asked, distracted by the claws and scales on what looked like an otherwise weak and helpless creature. “Is that normal for humans?”

“Oh, that was just a mishap at the kindergarten,” she said, with a shrug. “I think it looks cool though. My g-, my friend might like it. If I ever get back.” She returned to her story without any suggestion that being trapped in a strange world forever was upsetting to her.

Foals. Kids. It was hard to imagine an innocent little unicorn like Sweetie Belle as a ravenous carnivore, leaping up and attacking somepony.

But it wasn’t somepony, it was somebody, right?

“Is it true that Pegasi fart helium?” Reiko said, breaking off from her disjointed account of the attack.

Rainbow Dash glared at her. So did Jamal.

“Sorry, too personal. I just wondered, because-well, anyway, I was bleeding a lot and going into shock again, but the main thing was-“

Rainbow Dash heard another apple striking her door.

“Cool your jets!” Rainbow shouted. She did a double take. Applejack was there, along with big mac, and a lot of earth ponies. They had pie canons and beanbags.

“This wasn’t exactly my idea,” Applejack said, avoiding Rainbow’s gaze. “This is just a little insurance, in case things go south real fast.”

“So what was that big favor you needed from me?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“Twilight Sparkle trusts you, right?” Applejack said. “I need you to talk to her. I hope to Celestia you can stop a war.”

Rainbow Dash felt hot ice crawl up her spine. Her stomach churned for reasons that had nothing to do with hangovers and hay fries.

“I just have to check one thing,” Rainbow Dash said, holding up a wing for patience. She ran back to her bookshelf and pulled out the Dragon’s Blood. “Twilight? Twilight?”

The sinking feeling grew as she stared at the blank page. There was a shimmer. Twilight appeared in black and white.

“What is it Rainbow?”

“What was that big favor you asked me to do?”

Author's Note

Rainbow Dash makes two promises.

Chapter 46

Lyra tottered towards the sound of water, on all fours now, shivering a little as the first human she’d ever seen talked to her like an old friend.

She wasn’t sure exactly what she’d expected in terms of human personality. The legends were full of contradictions. She guessed they might be abrasive and dominance-oriented, like adolescent dragons, or low-key and friendly like Earth Ponies. This one…well, he talked nice, he was as welcoming and charming as Pinkie Pie or Fleur De Lis, but he felt…strange. Every time he looked at her it was like another set of eyes gazed out from behind him. Every time he talked, no matter how inoffensive the words, he seemed to be saying something else that she couldn’t hear.

“You, I mean, your show, the show with ponies in it, it’s really brought us together,” Max said brightly.

“I’m glad to hear that,” Lyra said. “I don’t think searching for two-legged, I mean, your people, the legends, they haven’t really helped me much with other ponies.” She missed the times in Human Club (okay, it was her, Rarity, and Still Waters under a blanket suspended from a bush), the theories, the legends, speculating about how such a bizzare species ever came to exist, but they’d drifted apart. She knew her interest was mostly a tolerated quirk, but something that kept her apart from the herd.

“Anything else you want to know about Bronies?”

Lyra sighed. She wasn’t interested in all the things humans thought about ponies. She was a pony. She lived with ponies all the time. He’d answered a lot of her broad strokes questions about government, religion, and ecology (imagine living in a planet-sized Everfree Forest), but he was curiously reticent about his personal life.

“How do you fix nitrogen into the soil if you don’t have Earth Ponies or Pegasi?” It was something that bothered her about this “natural” world. The water cycle, the nitrogen cycle, patterns of heat and light so the planet didn’t cook or freeze, it all seemed way too complex to just happen by itself. Then again, from what he complained about, some of it was already breaking.

Max the human frowned. “I think I learned something about that in my Sophmore science class.”

Lyra nodded. “And?”

He shrugged, a very expressive gesture on a biped. How did they balance without any tails? “Oh, I don’t remember the details. I just like, learned about it once.”

Lyra pushed aside some bracken and lead him down what he hoped was a deer path, this time. “So, I understand a lot of these weird words you use, but what is ‘jailbait’? Is that, like, political entrapment?”

Max laughed. “Sort of like that. It’s not important right now.” He looked around and shivered. “Are there any Timber Wolves or Dragons here? Have you ever seen a cockatrice?”

“They shouldn’t be in this part of the woods, but it’s still a good idea to keep your eyes peeled,” Lyra said. “I’ve got at least one teleport spell saved up for emergencies but I’d prefer not to use it.” She didn’t admit that she had no idea if it would actually work with all the background interference.

Warm, moist digits dug into the fur on her back. Lyra tensed up.

“It must be nice to have fur,” Max said, with a broad, tooth-exposing smile. “I bet you don’t get cold on lonely nights.”

Parts of Lyra’s ancient equine brain where flashing red, but she had no idea what threat a clawless, blunt-toothed, unarmed, non-magical human could pose here and now. Anyway, he’d been friendly to her so far. Somehow it seemed rude to ask him to let go of her, especially when he was so scared and alone.

“So what does jailbait mean?” she asked, patting him with her tail in case that might reassure him.

“What about Ursa Minors? Do they live here?”

“Oh…my…blueberry-muffin-bucking-ass-blood seven-severed-deep-fried-dicks, holy-mother-of-Celestia-mother-bucking-Nightmare-Moon’s-flank-on-fire, gosh.” Rainbow Dash moaned.

“Do you need another coffee, or something stronger?” The three-armed human asked. The other human’s mouth was hanging open.

Rainbow struggled not to take off. “Yes. I mean, no. I just, I need to go into my room for a bit. Alone. Don’t write any fandom fiction or walk off any clouds while I’m away.”

She fluttered in a circle around the room, brushing feathers against the walls. She felt too hot and too cold at the same time. Twilight Sparkle is your friend. So is Applejack. So is Fluttershy. So who is your best friend then?

“Don’t make me do this, don’t make me do this, don’t make me do this,” she whimpered.

The noise outside her window broke through the babble and the pounding of her own air bladder.

There were a lot of pointy horns underneath her cloud, some of them glowing.

There was also a dust cloud on the horizon, with a few trebuchets sticking out of it.

This is ridiculous! We’re ponies for Celestia’s sake, not minotaurs or dragons or animals.

“Oh my Celestia-bucking goooosh,” she whimpered.

Fights between friends happened. They happened a lot, especially around her, for some reason. She’d dealt with spats between her friends before, and they always found a way to patch things up, maybe after a bit of dark magic got out of control or something destroyed Applejack’s barn or after a really big song, but still, they sorted it out. That’s what good friends did. She’d find some kind of middle ground or compromise, and then everyone could get along again, and things would go back to normal.

Somehow, she’d find a way to keep both of her Pinkie Promises and she wouldn’t have that disappointed face glowering at her out of the bathroom mirror.

Somehow. Definitely. Certainly. No problem. She could sort it all out, and maybe once Fluttershy stopped being such a pain in the flank she’d sort things out with Fluttershy too.

Everyone had panicked when Zecorah came into town, and they’d solved that problem, and now they were friends. Sure, that had been rabid xenophobia she’d participated in, just because somepony had stripes instead of a solid color, and Zecorah was still an equine ungulate from their own world, but the same friendship lessons had to apply here, right?

Dash squeezed out through her window and ignored the trembling that made it feel like parasprites had nested under her skin. No problem. She would solve this friendship problem and later they would all laugh and write a letter about it to Princess Celestia. She could do this, because she was Rainbow Dash, and she was the best, and she was awesome, and she definitely wasn’t hurt and angry that Fluttershy had turned against her and afraid that Applejack and all her Earth Pony friends would do the same thing. She certainly wasn’t confused, horrified, and a bit darkly fascinated by learning that her friends Twilight and Rarity wanted to eat the still-living flesh of walking, talking, creatures that used tools and told each other stories about her adventures and the adventures of her friends and were as trusting and vulnerable as a newborn foal. Nope, not at all. And she definitely hadn’t bitten off more than she could chew by taking two creatures from another world under her wing and making conflicting promises to friends she’d faced life-or-death threats with. Nope. Not in the least! She was cool and calm and collected.

“Cool as a cucumber, that’s me! Rainbow Dash! I’m awesome and c-cool is my middle name,” she muttered into the icy downdrafts. She didn’t remember anypony scheduling a cold front here and now, but it was fine. She wasn’t angry. She wasn’t upset. She absolutely, positively wasn’t scared or confused. She still knew and cared about all her friends and they all still loved her, even Fluttershy, and she wasn’t afraid that things were going to go to Tartarus in a tail-basket as soon as she confronted what looked just a bit like an army of well-armed Earth Ponies or a pack, that is, a heard of drooling, glowing-horned unicorns.

“I’m not nervous, you’re nervous!” she shouted at nopony in particular. She’d talk with Twilight Sparkle first. Twilight always had a sensible, calm, reasonable approach, and she wasn’t as stubborn as Applejack could be.

“N-no problem,” she repeated.

Chapter 47

“I’m not sure I understand the problem,” Twilight said, pawing the ground.

“Come on Twi, we’ve handled this kind of stuff before,” she said, trying and failing to keep the frustration out of her voice. Rainbow Dash shook her wings. “Bunch of friends want the same thing, have to decide some kind of compromise. Remember the Gala tickets?”

“Well, that was different. We all wanted to go to the Gala. I mean, I’d share some thigh meat with you if pegasi could digest red meat.” Twilight said, in her worst I’m-keeping-myself-above-the-drama-because-I’m-a-mature-and-intellectual-pony voice.

“But I don’t want to eat them,” Rainbow Dash said through gritted teeth. “You want to eat them, Applejack wants to save them, and I just don’t want everyone fighting!”

Twilight Sparkle laughed. It was an oily, bubbly laugh, the kind of laugh that she’d heard from a lot of ponies, but never from her friend Twilight. It was the kind of laugh that said you just weren’t smart enough to get the joke, but that’s okay, because I’m a good sport about it.

“What makes you think it will come to fighting? I’m sure we’re all reasonably ungulates here,” Twilight said.

“Because I’ve seen the apple family and Caramel and the other earth ponies lining up with bean-bag trebuchets and onion gas grenades and stuff like that! If you don’t leave these two-legged, furless weirdos alone, things could get real ugly!” she pleaded.

“What in Celestia’s name do they think they’re doing?” Rarity gasped. Her horn flickered with a nimbus of frosty light. “We’ve never raised a hoof against our fellow equines in centuries!”

“Unless you count the Smarty Pants incident,” Rainbow Dash mumbled. Twilight Sparkle tried to avoid looking anypony in the eye.

“That is not at all what I meant and you know it,” Rarity said. “What I mean is, nopony has been so brutish as to wage war on their fellow equines ever since the dawn of the Celestian era.”

“This is a declaration of civil war!” Lemon Hearts shouted. The unicorns began stomping the ground and muttering in agreement.

Oh Celestia please no. “No, no I don’t mean that! It’s not like they’re gonna kill anypony! I just mean, like, they’re really riled up and stuff, because it’s so important to them!” Rainbow Dash said, unconsciously hovering out of hoof-range.

“Oh, so it’s okay to leave us wheezing, coughing, and throwing up, with tears streaming down our eyes, or to beat us black and blue, but it isn’t murder so it’s not really a problem?” Lemon Hearts shrieked.

“No, I didn’t mean that at all! I’m just trying to get everypony to work out a compromise!” Rainbow Dash said, darting around the crowd and waving her forelegs for calm.

“They’re tougher and stronger than us,” Sea Swirl wailed. She shivered and wrapped her tail around her. “If they really wanted to, they could stop growing food and starve us out!”

“Now hold on,” Twilight said, “that doesn’t make sense. If they want to stop us eating meat, why would they cut off our sources ofs vegetable protein?”

The mood of the crowd cooled down considerably, and Rainbow Dash drew in a breath of relief.

“Still, it’s rather disconcerting that our fellow ponies are so quick to resort to brutal violence,” Rarity said, with a long shudder. “Maybe we should establish a few minor protective charms, just to be on the safe side.”

“I guess so,” Twilight Sparkle said, conjuring a few soft pink bubbles of whosey-whatsy magic stuff.

Rainbow Dash didn’t say anything. It sounded like a good idea, in theory, especially because it only took one stupid hothead to start the fur flying, but something in Rarity’s tone of voice and her eyes sent a chill down her spine.

“Once we explain how important this is too us, of course they’ll let us have the two-legged deers,” Rarity laughed. “Aren’t we all friends and neighbors here?”

Rainbow Dash sank through the air, along with her hopes and expectations. “Or maybe they’ll say that these ape-things are really important to them, and you can all cool your jets and go eat tofu or something?”

Rarity met her with a very penetrating glare. It was the kind of look she normally reserved for ponies who mixed two different types of plaid. Rarity was a good friend, a super-cool fashion designer, and she knew how to tie a cherry stem in a knot using only her tongue, but in that moment Rainbow Dash remembered that telekinesis might be used on very, very small things, like an air bubble in a brain stem, or a heart chamber, or even a bundle of specialized nerves.

“If you were a true gourmand, Rainbow Dash, you’d understand how deeply that remark cut me,” she said, in a voice as cold as a stone wall at night.

“Right. Okay. Um, how about I go over and talk to them? See if we can reach some kind of compromise? At least me, you two, and Applejack, we’ve all been through a lot, right? We’ve all used the elements of harmony, we saved equestrian like six times, and like…we’re here for each other. I know I can sort something out, right?” Rainbow Dash stammered.

Twilight smiled hopefully, but Rarity’s eyes were still…too bright, too stony.

“No problem!” Rainbow Dash said. She fluttered off over her house, trying not to wonder if human, bear, and bull were the only meats that unicorns enjoyed the taste of.

Chapter 48

“So uh, what was it you wanted to talk to me about?” Rainbow Dash asked, as if she didn’t know.

“You’ve talked to Jamal, right?” Applejack said, raising an eyebrow.

Rainbow Dash fluttered to the ground. “Yeah, I know.”

Applejack subjected her to a long, silent stare. Big Mac opened his mouth, but she shushed him with a wave of her hoof.

“Well?” Applejack said.

“Well what?” Rainbow said, innocently, rubbing back beads of sweat.

“By golly you know damn well what I’m talkin about,” Applejack said, grinding her teeth. “We’ve got grown unicorns acting like teenage dragons in heat or wild timber wolves!”

“Yeah, about that,” Rainbow Dash said, scratching her head and trying to maintain her disintegrating grin. “You see, like, the Twilight and the other unicorns asked me over here to negotiate for them.”

Rainbow Dash could feel ice forming on her fur from the collective cold stares in this herd of well-armed earth ponies.

“Negotiate? What’s tah negotiate about?”

“Come on,” Rainbow Dash said, as a familiar tide of self-loathing rose up inside her. She’d been through so much with her friends. They’d split up sometimes, they’d been tested, but they’d always gotten back together, right? Nothing was stronger than the friendship between the six of them, not chaos gods or corrupted queens or dragons or demons or skeleton hoards. “We’re all friends here, right? There’s gotta be some sort of friendly compromise. I…” Her words trailed off.

One time, in a cloud factory, Rainbow Dash had accidentally broken a coolant rod in the snow machine. The resulting chill had splashed liquid nitrogen across the cloud’s floor and she barely got out of there with her hooves still on her legs. Compared to the look that Applejack was giving her fight now, that smoking white puddle had been black tarmac on a scorching summer day.

“No,” Applejack breathed.

The crowd stamped in unison.

“Okay, fine! You’re right. It’s like…I just…I don’t want any fallout from this. I don’t want…” Rainbow Dash sighed. Deep down, she must have known what the right choice was. She was just too chicken-shit to face up to the facts.

“I know you’ll do the proper thing,” Applejack said.

Rainbow Dash nodded, trying to hold back tears of shame.

She took off for her house and crashed into Fluttershy.

“There’s one thing I don’t understand about the human life cycle,” Lyra said, pushing back thick pricker-bushes and swatting at parasprites.

“I guess I could explain, but I’m way more interested in pony ‘life cycles’,” Max said with a deep chuckle.

Without being able to say precisely why, Lyra Heartstrings felt a pressing need to stop Max from exploring that topic further. It was hard to keep up with Max’s erratic conversation, ranging from adventures of the wielders of the Elements of Harmony, human “conventions”, complaints about his ex-girlfriend, and probing economic and ecological questions she was ill-equipped to answer. She stomped a few snap-dragon flowers that had been nipping at the human’s fingers.

“You said baby humans take years to even learn to walk, right? Does that mean you age at different speeds? I mean, you’re in your twenties and you live on your own, so it can’t be slower than ponies all the way through.”

Max yelped and ducked as a double-hawk swooped over him.

“Don’t worry. Those things are only interested in fish and small birds,” Lyra reassured him, clearing a path in the worst of the underbrush with a low-intensity force spell.

“Yikes. Well, yeah, we take a lot longer to figure out how to balance and walk as babies. Maybe it’s harder to learn balancing on two legs instead of four,” he said, looking thoughtful.

“But you said your girlfriend was annoyed that you skipped out on her sixteenth birthday, and you spent it at your own house. Do humans, I don’t know, stake out separate territory when they are juveniles?”

“Um, not really?” He laughed nervously and pulled a parasprite out of his hair.

“I’m getting confused,” Lyra said. She stopped in the sandy depression under a twisted maple-oak. “Why would you even have to worry about her mother if she was fully matured?”

Max shrugged. “Some parents aren’t very understanding, you know how it is.”

“I really don’t,” Lyra said, although a cold, crawling sensation that had nothing to do with centipede-scorpions or parasprites suggested that she really did know what he was talking about.

“So maybe she’s not, like, grown grown, but girls mature faster than boys, and you can tell she’s all woman,” he said, winking.

His eyes sparkled like shoals of fish nibbling at a drowned corpse. He used the phrase “act your age,” referring to younger people, twice, and talked about “age is just a number”, and anyway, she knew what she was getting into, he said. There was something about a time, in a car park, where she didn’t want to “put out”, but he knew she really was just being shy. He’d done it before, so she couldn’t leave him with “blue balls” (she sensed she really, really didn’t want to know what that meant.) Revelations came towards her, thick and dark and bubbling under the surface, full of poison and nightmares.

“Well, that’s, um, isn’t that…interesting,” Lyra said. She had to act fast. The numbness of shock would wear off very soon, and then he’d ask why she was crying, and she didn’t know how she’d answer with a straight face. All her hopes. All her dreams. Her wildest fantasies came crashing down, like a tower of blocks at a bully’s hooves.

“Why don’t you l-lead the way for a while?” Lyra said, managing not to choke, or vomit, or scream.

“Sure thing,” Max said. He seemed to relax a little more now that he wasn’t talking about his “girlfriend.” Friend. That didn’t seem friendly at all.

Lyra got down on all fours to decrease the chance of stumbling or collapsing.

She knew about human anatomy. She knew about the weak-points of the surprisingly fragile system. They were endurance predators, designed to chase, and track, and follow, until the exhausted victim was no longer able to escape.

“I’m so disappointed in you,” she said.

He turned around, and looked confused when she dropped the big, heavy rock on his head.

It wasn’t as clean as she’d hoped. He kept protesting his innocence and throwing out conflicting explanations. She stomped on his ribs, the reached down and, with the aid of telekinesis, snapped his neck. His leg shuddered twice.

She sat down, threw up, and broke down sobbing.

Chapter 49

“Oh my gosh oh my fucking gosh, I’m so sorry!” Rainbow Dash yelped as Fluttershy crashed onto a cloud.

“Oh no of course I’m sorry it’s all my fault!” Fluttershy gasped out, hiding her face with her wings and scrambling on the edge of the small cumulus.

Rainbow bit onto her friend’s tail and pulled her onto the stable surface.

“I’m really, really sorry. Crap, I should have paid more attention,” Rainbow Dash added.

When Fluttershy unfolded her wings and stopped hiding behind her hair, the fear and shame vanished from her eyes. “Oh. It’s you.”

“Yeah, it’s me,” Dash said, chuckling nervously. That was the thing about Fluttershy. Most of the time she acted like a complete doormat, and she couldn’t stand up for herself to save her life, (like that time in Cloudsdale when she fell and nearly broke both left legs). Give her something else to stand up for, though, like a blind cat or a wounded cobra, and she turned as cold and hard as a thrown horseshoe.

Now that she thought about it, Rainbow Dash didn’t remember if The Stare could work on other ponies. Was that what caused the hair on her back to rise up and her knees to knock together and her throat to dry up as if she’d just deep-throated a salt lick? Maybe it was just the cold cross-breezes at this altitude. Cross-breezes could be, like, really really annoying.

Rainbow Dash definitely wasn’t afraid of Fluttershy. Absolutely. Positively. She was going to stand her ground and not take any bullshit from the least-intimidating person she knew.

“So?” Rainbow Dash said, not stuttering, trying to match Fluttershy’s glassy, blank expression with a determined glare. She unconsciously pawed the cloud and spread out her wings to look bigger. “W-what are you doing out here? Come to accuse me of roasting baby bunnies alive?” Her voice didn’t end in a squeak.

Fluttershy took a step back, and the hardness left her expression, then returned with double intensity. “Ha hah. Very funny. I’m here to look out for my new friend and make sure the omniscum unicorns don’t do anything they regret.”

“They’re not doing anything right now,” Rainbow Dash said, defensively. “I’m actually going over to explain things to them for Applejack.”

Fluttershy’s expression softened once again, and she went back to her usual self. “Oh, really? What is Applejack trying to do?”

“To protect your new friend, the human, and that other human, and get Twilight and Rarity and Lemon Hearts and everypony else to hold their horses and chill out,” Dash said.

“Oh, that’s alright then,” Fluttershy said. She gently preened her feathers.

“Yeah,” Rainbow said, feeling relieved but still waiting for an apology.

“I’m glad to hear it,” Fluttershy said. “I knew you’d see reason eventually.”

Rainbow Dash’s eye twitched. “Oh?”

Fluttershy smiled and took to the air. “I knew you wouldn’t side with ponycidal carnivores against your oldest friend. If you promise to give up meat forever I’ll be ready to accept your apology.

Rainbow flapped her wings once. “You’re ready for me to say sorry now?”

Fluttershy nodded solemnly. “If you promise to never ‘go fishing’ or do anything like that ever again.”

Rainbow could feel an electric charge rising up from her hooves, like the start of a storm. Her good face-kicking hoof started to itch. “What about all those other times? I tried to say sorry before.”

“Well, now it’s different, because you’re not encouraging dangerous and violent behavior against fellow sapient creatures or defending murderous unicorns trying to overrun the city and break a truce that has lasted for—”

Fluttershy’s voice dissolved into a stream of big, long, boring words. Rainbow had never seen her so…smug, so scoffing, so sure of herself. It didn’t make her feel good.

She wasn’t the one who’d assumed the worst of a friend, who shut them out, slammed the door in their face, and generally acted like a dick. Yeah, how did Fluttershy expect anyone to listen to her if she didn’t play ball and talk nice? Fuck that.

“You sure you don’t want to apologize for anything?” Rainbow said, hovering over her.

“Why would I do that?” Fluttershy honestly sounded confused.

Since when were Rarity and Twilight “the unicorns”? And they hadn’t even done anything remotely ponycidal! The only ones acting ponycidal were Applejack and her war party. She tried to nudge some doubts and uncertainties to the back of her mind.

She’d been bending over backwards to make her “friend” Fluttershy comfortable, to apologize for being a normal Pegasus, for eating a bucking trout, for pony’s sake, like she’d been caught in the middle of large-scale genocide. She gritted her teeth.

“Go buy some apples and shove em up your ass!” Rainbow shouted. “You and Applejack don’t need my help anyway!”

Fluttershy drifted down to the cloud, face frozen.

“I’m tired of you playing the ‘oldest friend’ card when you sure don’t act like I’m your oldest friend!” She was spitting and foaming at the mouth. If there’d been ground under her, she would be ripping it up right now. Fluttershy wanted to treat her like the bad guy, then? Fine. She’d act like the bad guy.

She didn’t notice the flurry of snow coming down from the cloud as she flew away. She was too busy hiding her tears.

“Who the hay did that?” Applejack shouted.

A great deal of nervous shuffling and coughing broke out among the earth pony ranks. A gap widened in the ranks, leaving Granny shaking like a new-born foal.

“Darnit, I told ya if you couldn’t behave you’d go straight back to the barn.”

Granny Smith sucked her dentures defiantly.

“That was not a hot pie or an onion bomb, or even a high-pressure beanbag. That was a jagged ROCK, Granny! I told everyone, I’m havin’ no first use of stone weapons in this w-, er, hopefully short-term localized peace-keepin’ conflict resolution.”

There were a few snickers from the back of the herd.

“You heard me Granny Smith. Big Mac?”

Big Mac tried, without success, to hide behind Caramel.

“Big brother, would you kindly escort our revered elder back to the barn and make sure she don’t get to thinking she’s still a spring chicken and starting rock-fights she can’t finish?”

“Biggins Worthermeyer Macintosh, if you dare lay one restraining hoof on me I’ll give you such a tongue-lashing your unconceived grandchildren will wince from it!” Granny snarled.

Sweat coated Big Mac’s flanks as he wavered between his grandmother and his sister.

“Big Mac, you just get your granny out of trouble. You know the family would never forgive us if anything bad happened to her,” she gritted her teeth, “and I wouldn’t forgive myself if she Did Something She Gunna Regret.”

Applejack and Granny Smith were now standing across from each other, less than a stone’s throw apart, while Big Mac tried to burrow into the untilled soil. His own sweat slick was thickened by a layer of spittle from his two relatives. All the attention was focused on them, and two colts started up a chant of “fight, fight, fight!”

As a result, nopony saw who cast the Ray of Frost spell that split Granny’s lip.

Author's Note

Things continue to heat up.

Chapter 50

“I’m sure we can all reach a reasonable—fuck! My eye! Celestia-fucking daughter-of-a-gelding asswipe donkey clits! My bucking eye!” Twilight screamed, covering her face with a hoof and then yanking it back because even that contact was too painful. “Dear Celestia’s rose red asscheeks. Anypony have some ice?”

Somepony pitched a snowball to Twilight. It smacked right into her other eye.

“Celestia-dammit gosh fuck butts!” Twilight wailed, flailing around. “I meant give me some ice in a bag for my bucking eye!”

Somepony laughed. She couldn’t see, and it was hard to focus on anything other than the semaphore of pain, but she thought it might be Lemon Hearts.

“Are you okay?” a pinkish blur said to her. It sounded like Berry Shine.

“I think I’ll be alright,” Twilight said, just managing to keep biting sarcasm out of her voice.

“How did the rock get through?” the unicorn asked, pointing at a reddish-grey blur. “Usually your basic defense auras are pretty solid.”

“There’s a break in the spell right around my horn and eyes, so the pink doesn’t cloud my vision and my own spells don’t shatter the barrier,” she grumbled. “It’s never struck me as a design flaw before.” Rock? It felt more like she’d been hit face-first by a charging buffalo with a steel helmet.

“It was Applejack!” somepony, probably Lemon Hearts, shouted.

“Horse apples!” Rarity said. “Our friend Applejack would never hurl an edged weapon at us. That rock could have been lethal!”

“If it was Applejack, I’m pretty sure it would have hit harder, and with debilitating accuracy,” Twilight said, gingerly rubbing her face on the fallen snow. “Motherbucker this smarts, but it’s not like I’ve got head trauma or anything.” Did she have head trauma? She ran through the mental list of symptoms, raised her forelegs up to touch, balanced on her hind legs, and recited the alphabet backwards. Nope, nothing hurt except her pride and her eyeballs.

At least one of her eyes stopped watering enough that she could make out Rarity standing right in front of her with a megaphone.

“Fellow equines, friends and neighbors, there is no need for further acts of violence between us. Please remove all of your ranged weaponry and renounce all claim to the bipedal prey animals above. Once we secure the food, we can begin plans for a reunion party and get everything back to normal. We will allow,” she looked down at a scroll between her hooves, “two hours for a consensus response.”

Rarity coughed, wiped her mouth on a lilac handkerchief and drank a glass of a sparkling water. “I think I handled that rather well, don’t you dear?”

“It sounded reasonable,” Twilight said, hiding her uncertainty. She’d read a lot about the effects of onion gas in the border skirmishes between pre-equestrian pegasi and earth ponies. She was having a hard enough time seeing straight without wincing through a stream of agonized tears and coughing up spicy yellow phlegm.

The other ponies, the earth ponies that had been their friends and neighbors for years, shuffled their hooves and talked among themselves. It didn’t take long for them to send over a representative.

Big Mac and looked down at Rarity, squinted at his scroll, pulled out a pair of reading glasses, looked at it again, swallowed, and nodded.

“Nope.”

“You still have plenty of time to rethink—” Rarity began.

Big Mac pressed a hoof against her mouth.

“Y’all have one hour to stop trying to eat people and stop all those scary spells, otherwise, things are gunna get personal.”

“But—” Twilight started.

Big Mac glared her into silence. He was a nice pony, a gentle pony, and a polite pony, but every once in a while, he stopped to remind you that he could lift you up by one hoof, break your legs in seventeen places, and tie them into a fancy little bow without breaking a sweat.

“We’ll think over it,” Rarity said hastily. “Right, Lemon Hearts?”

“Sure thing. Don’t you agree Sea Swirl?”

The chain of reassurances rippled through the unicorn ranks.

Rarity and Twilight started conferring on a plan for a sneak attack.

Applejack shivered. She was glad she’d left Applebloom at home to watch over the livestock, and that she hadn’t talked about visiting her friend Sweetie Belle. Honestly, she was glad that Sweetie Belle was nowhere near. She had a hard time squaring that innocent little face with…with the things that had happened today, and the things that might happen sooner than she realized.

She’d finally gotten Mayor Mare to escort Granny Smith home, on the pretense of “tending her wounds”. Then she and Caramel were able to calm down the crowd before violence broke out. It was clearly just the work of some hothead who panicked, or some similarly trigger-happy elder who thought they were under attack when Granny threw the rock across the town square.

That Mayor Mare was one woman who always knew how to deal with Granny’s stubbornness, and she was old enough that Granny didn’t feel like she was “getting lip” from a “whippersnapper”. Those old birds spent a lot of time together whenever Mare went round for campaign contributions (even though the farm had precious little budget for political philanthropy) or when Granny brought her zap-apple jam to market. They both shared a lot of history, an appreciation of fine cider, and a love of old music. They were close friends. Very, very close. Maybe…

“Naw, that’s a load of horse-hockey,” Applejack said out loud, shaking her head. She didn’t even want to think about that. At Granny’s age you probably didn’t even remember how it worked, much less have the energy to do it without pulling a muscle.

The twang of splitting wire under tension jolted Applejack out of her thoughts.

One of the catapults rocked on its base, its payload gone.

“Who the Celestia-fucking hay did that?” Applejack snapped.

“She did!” said the flower sisters, each one pointing at the other two.

Applejack rubbed her hooves against her temples.

“Ya’ll can mosey on back home, right now! This is hard enough without a buncha hotheads champing at the bit.”

“Who made you the boss?” Daisy said, shuffling away from the other two. “I can stay here if I want.”

“Yeah. Just because you broke the news and loaded up the beanbags and onion bombs, that doesn’t make you Grand Commander Applejack Von Clause!” Lucky Clover shouted.

Hooves raised dust and angry neighs filled the air.

“Aw shucks,” Applejack said.

One time, she’d loaded up an entire cart of zap-apples, all by herself, to prove she could. She pulled as hard as she could, digging her hooves into the sod, cutting the grass, and then a moment of triumph. That moment was immediately followed by panic as her feet left the ground, the harness biting into her, as momentum carried the cart down the hill with all four of her legs waving in the air and a very large, very solid rock at the bottom.

Right now, she felt something much, much worse.

She tried to think of something that could break up the panic, a song to sing, a heroic speech, anything like that, but orb of purple fire smacked into her face and scattered her wits. She opened her mouth to speak, and instead chomped it down on the flank of the pony next to her. When he jerked free of her, screaming, she tried to explain, but produced only a shrill laughter as she ran around in circles.

The next spell delivered the force of only a strong static electric shock, but it was dispersed over a very wide area, and was immediately followed by a conjuration of grease.

Once Applejack regained the ability to think straight and stopped slipping on her own hooves, the flower trio were going at a small unicorn using brass horseshoes, and a thin steel wire, and a board with a nail in it.

“Oh horse apples.”

Author's Note

Even more escalation

Chapter 51

“I just wanted a milkshake. Not a big, fancy one, with whipped cream and a cherry and cookie chunks. Just a vanilla milkshake,” Scootaloo muttered, her fur stuck against her skin with panic sweat.

She didn’t understand what was going on in town. Sweetie Belle hadn’t showed up today, and there were a bunch of mean-looking ponies with catapults outside Applejack’s house, so she thought she’d go alone for a nice milkshake. Scootaloo wasn’t even that hungry, but she wanted to stay out of the house for a while longer. It was boring back there, and mom was deep into the cider, and dad was in a really nasty mood, and sometimes she just wanted to stretch her wings and chill out without getting underhoof. Sometimes she thought she could replace her parents with a broken record that said “go play outside!” and not notice the difference for days. It wasn’t like changeling dad had been much worse anyway, and he was a bug-monster.

She’d heard a lot of commotion, and the streets seemed to be very empty, but she just thought it was something normal, like a bunny stampede, or Flim and Flam pulling some scam, or a small-scale outbreak of the 12-hour zombie virus. Anyway, the flower trio were always freaking out about something.

Then she’d felt the hairs on her back split, and a three-foot-long, knife-shaped icicle shuddered into the wooden wall right above her. She smelled burnt fur and sizzling tin and ozone. She’d sped up on her scooter just in time to get smacked in the face by something that gave her a goose egg, a black eye, and left her coughing, crying, and half-choking for minutes. (She NEVER cried where anypony could see her. Never!)

She had tried to ask Bonbon for directions, but the pony’s face was crusted with blood, and she couldn’t understand the word snarled out through a split lip and half a dozen broken teeth. Bonbon had actually paused to spit out two of her molars before charging head-first into Fizzy Whizz’s side, with a horrible crunching sound.

That was when Scootaloo had decided to hide. All the adults around her were acting like maniacs. Caramel was pummeling Berry Shine with a horseshoe while Berry Shine knocked him off his feet with a blast of purple concussive energy. Some ponies were just lying on the ground, moaning and holding ice to their gashes and bruises, but others were fighting through a mouthful of broken teeth and charging on wrenched and twisted limbs.

A particularly bitter blast of wind tore apart the bale of hay she’d been hiding in. Somepony shouted “Which side are you on?”
Scootaloo didn’t stick around to find out. She beat her wings hard enough to get a vertical acceleration of seven feet before the muscles seized up. She bit onto the handlebar of her scooter and scraped the ground with all four hooves, folding her wings to decrease the air resistance. She sped through directed snowballs, scalding-hot pies, tiny lightning bolts, flung beanbags, telekinetic discharges, and clouds of stinging gas.

“Go talk to an adult you trust,” Miss Cheerilee had said, years ago and a world away. She could trust dad for about six minutes, before his temper kicked in or he told her to go bother her mother. She could trust mom to ask her to “bring mommy a fresh Manehatten, and don’t use too much vermouth this time!”

It hit her like a high-speed bean bag, maybe because a launched bean-bag also hammered into her flank. She didn’t let it slow her down. Slowing down was when worse things happened to you. She needed to go faster.

Up above, like a sign from the heavens, was a little house made of cloud with a rainbow stream. Up in front of her was a bookstore with a long, metal gutter that leaned out at an awkward angle. She went faster. She bit her lip, forced through the painful cramps, and loosened up her wings enough to get a little bit of lift.

Grinding up a rain gutter that threatened to collapse under her weight with every second as she climbed wasn’t the scary part. Rocketing straight up the polished oak roof wasn’t the really scary part, either. The soaring moment of weightlessness as she shot off the roof, towards the high polished roof of the Celestia’s Head Inn, wasn’t quite scary, even with stray magic missiles and low-yield organic grenades shooting through the air.

No, the really scary part was when she bounced off that roof, onto the lip of the water tower, and had to swing around for three good loops, keeping her centrifugal force in check, (even though Twilight Sparkle said there wasn’t realy such a thing as centrifugal force because of lots of long boring words) and pulled in the slow-light field to create a localized gravitational slingshot effect, doing everything in her power to keep her breakfast and her pee inside her body.

That was the scary part.

Now, with cold wind all around her, and the tiny patch of cloud and rainbow growing in her sight, she could relax a little. She counted the heartbeats before she had to open her wings to kill momentum and prevent herself from shooting through the cloud like a cannonball through flan.

Three heartbeats. Four. Five.

Flap.

She skidded to a stop on the cloudy surface, bladder and stomach still fully intact.

Scootaloo set aside all thoughts of nerves. She could freak out later. This was serious.

She pressed her nose against the doorbell.

“Whoever you are, just buck off! I don’t have your humans!”

Author's Note

Pegasus rendevouz

Chapter 52

“Look, you two are on your own!” Rainbow Dash shouted. “Just deal with it yourselves!”

“We…we didn’t say anything,” the human Reiko said.

“Shut up!” Rainbow Dash said. She definitely didn’t have tears of panic and frustration in her eyes. “You’ve already made my best friends turn against each other!”

“Dash?”

The voice on the other side of her door was very, very soft, and very, very scared. It was a voice that was already on the verge of turning around and leaving, tossing this off as a bad move, and trying to forget any of this had ever happened. It was the kind of voice that forces itself to sound cool and calm between choking sobs in a bathroom stall.

“Scootaloo?”

“Y-yeah?”

Rainbow Dash bit her lip. “I’ll be right there.”

She blew her nose on a hanky, then splashed cold water on her eyes. She definitely hadn’t been crying, and she sure as heck wasn’t trying to make it look like she hadn’t been crying.

Rainbow popped open the door and tucked Scootaloo under her wing, tossing the scooter into her umbrella stand.

“Come on, kid. I’ll fix you a hayburger, and maybe a glass of small cider on the rocks.”

Scootaloo’s eyes widened as if Princess Celestia had just offered to kiss her hooves. “Really? I might have sneaked some, I mean, I don’t drink of course, but nobody ever offered me some…is it like, real hard cider?”

“Yeah, just enough kick for a cool kid like you to handle,” Rainbow Dash said. She gently preened Scootaloo’s feathers. “Just remember to hydrate.”

She poured out a careful half-pint of 2.5% green apple brew for the kid, with a generous amount of ice. “Drink it slowly, okay?” Maybe a responsible adult wouldn’t do this for Scootaloo, but the kid was clearly going through something pretty brutal, and it was better to learn how to handle your drink in the sight of an elder instead of getting utterly shitfaced when you went off to Las Pegasus University. (Strict parents were a good recipe for ending up upside-down in a fountain wearing somepony else’s panties, a traffic cone, and smelling heavily of lemon, pine, and thrice-tasted regurgitation with just a hint of ozone. And that was only in the first half of her freshman biology course!)

“Are you sure she’s old enough for that?” The human Jamal asked.

“Don’t you start on me,” Rainbow snapped. “One more word out of your mouth and I’m pushing you off the cloud.

Jamal opened his mouth to speak, closed it, and raised his hands in surrender.

“Hey,” Reiko said to Scootaloo.

“Aw horse-apples,” Scootaloo said.

“You two know each other?” Rainbow Dash said.

Scootaloo hadn’t really realized how terrified she was until she saw Rainbow Dash shuddering at the look on Scootaloo’s own face. You knew things were bad when the adults freaked out. Rainbow Dash, being Rainbow Dash, covered it up very quickly, and played things cool by offering her a Drink! A real one, with alcohol, that she didn’t have to steal from the bottles that her mom thought she could disguise by writing the names backwards on them. (Aliuqet Dlog was her favorite, but the Maerc Hsiri was sweet too and it really impressed the heck out of Sweetie Belle and Applebloom.)

Still, if Rainbow Dash was freaked out, then who could she possibly have left to turn to? Who would know what to do?

“Well, sort of,” Scootaloo said, trying to distance herself from the whole clusterbuck that was rapidly escalating into an Equestrian Civil War. “It, I mean, she just stumbled out of the Everfree Forest. I thought she was one of the monsters at first.”

Reiko laughed way too loud at this. She stopped when nobody else joined in. “Sorry. Um, mom used to call me The Monster. Little in-joke.”

While Rainbow Dash fried up the hayburger, she took a generous slug from a bottle of Love Whinnies Smirnoff Vodka.

“Yeah. Rarity, um, kinda tried to eat her?” Scootaloo said, feeling ashamed of herself.

“It’s all cool,” the human said, waving a scaly third arm she hadn’t possessed the last time Scootaloo had talked to her.

“What the f-, what are you talking about?” The other human asked. “She nearly got you killed!”
“Hey, lay off Scootaloo!” Rainbow Dash and Reiko shouted at the same time.

They stared at each other for a moment, and laughed.

“Sorry,” Jamal said, lowering his head. “I know you’re just a kid.”

They all went silent for a bit, while the hayburger sizzled.

Jamal the human tilted his head. His beady little eyes looked…different. They were strange.

“So, Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, all the other ponies are fighting each other?” Jamal asked.

Rainbow Dash looked at him funny. “Yeah, that’s what we’ve been talking about this whole time.”

“Do you think they’ll stop the show? If it gets too violent?” Jamal asked.

“I still don’t understand what you’re talking about,” Rainbow Dash said. “This is something to do with the science box, right?”

Jamal shook his head, not denying her words, but trying to clear it.

“There’s a lot of kids that love this show,” Jamal said, his words hazy and distant, like mother after her seventh maretini of the afternoon, or father right before he tore apart the birdhouse he was working on.

“Lots of adults too!” Reiko shouted, as if eager to prove something. “And teens.”

“It’s important,” Jamal said. “It makes a lot of people happy, and we’ve messed it up by coming here.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” Rainbow Dash said, fluttering off the floor and waving her hooves in the air. “Let’s not get hasty.”

“It’s important,” Jamal said. “It doesn’t matter if an iceberg means no harm when it runs into a ship.”

His eyes were glassy and cold. His fists were clenched.

“Do you have a loudspeaker?” Jamal asked Rainbow Dash.

Scootaloo didn’t understand what was happening, but she felt every hair on her back stand up straight.

“What’s that?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“A cone, or some paper or metal or something I could roll into a cone-shape. I need to say something to everyone. I mean, everypony.”

Author's Note

Scootaloo gets advice. Jamal makes a decision.

Chapter 53

It had been the work of a few moments to set up a force field tight enough to keep out the onion gas, but with wide enough microscopic gaps to allow good fresh oxygen to enter and carbon dioxide to filter out. Twilight’s pride in this achievement was somewhat dampened by the range limit. She couldn’t share it with her fellow unicorns.

It also didn’t protect her from a high-speed forehead smashing into her nose, or a swung sock with a half-brick in it.

She was confident the earth ponies would soon see reason, in a hazy, half-starved kind of way. She wanted meat. She wanted complex proteins. She wanted the ambrosia that she’d been secretly craving the moment her mother squeezed her out amid slime and blood and shit.

Twilight Sparkle had been crafting a wide-ranging area effect of magical paralysis when her attention was diverted by The Smell.

The cloud house opened up. The precious meat that she knew was there all along strode forth.

“Hey ya’ll!” the food shouted.

She stopped fighting.

“Applejack, everypony, you can stop fighting. Cool down. It’s not worth it.”

There were a few last-minute face-kicks, but everyone quieted down. Twilight and the other unicorns were paralyzed with mouth-moistening hunger. The earth ponies were slowing down. Applejack, her friend, was running around, urging everyone to calm down.

“I really appreciate what you’re doing,” the tall human, Jamal, said. “It’s kind of you, but it’s not necessary.”

He turned around, and he looked Twilight Sparkle straight in the eyes. He lowered the bullhorn from his face.

He looked her right in the eye, and her higher thoughts tried to rein in her base animal instincts. This was about scientific curiosity. This was about pre-equestrian history. This was about expanding her knowledge, not filling her mouth with tender, umami, succulent raw human flesh, the tastiest of all treats that made cupcakes and candy taste like infected sheep ass in her mouth.

“Applejack, I didn’t explain my job to your properly. I don’t just serve grain, and I barely serve any vegetables at Taco Hell.”

Twilight Sparkle pawed the ground. This wasn’t really important, but the scholar in her mind urged her to take notes. When else would she learn about life in a parallel universe?

“I serve meat, okay? People slit the throats of chickens, and hit cows in the head with electric bolts, and we chop it up real fine and boil it up and serve it in tacos and burritos and whatever flavor of the month we have going. So I ain’t know angel, and you don’t need to martyr yourselves for my sake, okay?”

Shocked murmurs rippled through the crowd. Two-legged deer were animals, cruel, cunning animals, and hypocrites at that. It was okay to eat them because they ate other people. Right?

Her stomach growled. Her focus didn’t leave his stance, his eyes, the tightness in his blunt claws.

“I hate it. I feel dirty. People shout at me and talk shit at me every day. Every time I turn on the teevee, or read the news, I hear from politicians who think us burger-flippers barely demand the seven bucks an hour that aren’t enough to fully pay for the leaky broke-ass apartment I live in with my daughter, and can’t cover my food bills so I have to get food stamps and get charity from the food banks and buy our clothes from Salvation Army, which by the way, is a really shitty, xenophobic, homophobic organization, but that’s a whole ‘nother story.”

The two-legged mutton lowered its bullhorn. It pulled paper out of its pocket and blew its nose on it.

Twilight Sparkle bit her lip until it hurt. She suddenly became aware of how cold the air was, how the bitter wind smelled like wet burnt paper and dry heaves.

“I hate serving up gross, hot dead animals. They aren’t even cooked well. I bet y’all have some great recipes for flank of human, or stewed human heart, or fried brains or something. You think we’re a delicacy as a species. Well we’re not. We’re rats. We’re trash.”

Rainbow Dash poked her head out from the doorway.

“I wanted to do something good with my life. I wanted to cheer somebody up.” He cleared his throat. “I’m going to make somepony’s day, and it won’t involve boiled cow ass and weak hot sauce.”

He pulled out a small jar and a vial of oil. He peeled off his shirt. The smell increased.

The two-legged deer didn’t break eye contact as he poured the oil over his skin. Ponies around her swayed. Some of the Earth Ponies and Pegasi, male, female, queer and agender, started to fan themselves. He rubbed it in, shaking tiny flakes of leaves on his skin. Was this some kind of protective potion?

“What the Tartarus are you doing, you dumb biped?” Rainbow shouted.

“You said I could sort this out. I want ya’ll to promise me you won’t fight over this. No hooves in the ribs, no broken friendships, and definitely no G-Rated Civil War.”

He took his first step toward the edge of Rainbow Dash’s cloud.

Author's Note

A very short chapter.

Chapter 54

Somepony has to do something about this, Rainbow Dash thought. She wanted to add “and that pony is me!” but her legs had turned to jelly and her spine had turned to ice.

She shook her wings, hovering, her limp legs dragging through the cloud. He hadn’t looked back, but the weird biped must have sensed her approach and known she was going to try to stop him, despite everything she’d said earlier. His next step was longer and faster.

Rainbow Dash didn’t need this mess in her life. She’d saved Equestria two or three times and her daily life gave plenty of causes for drama and stress. She didn’t need to get tangled up in this clusterbuck. Alien monsters from another world that ate birds and fellow mammals like they were fried fish and hayburgers shouldn’t matter to her, but, well…

Jamal had his own little filly, another weird monster…who heard all about these magical wonderful ponies from far away. How long would she wait for her daddy to show up at chorus or a spelling bee or whatever those weird things did? Her father had always been there for her. He was an embarrassing dumbass, but he’d been there, and-

He couldn’t be series, she thought, flying hard at him with her mouth open and hooves outstretched. He was making some kind of big statement or trying to guilt-trip them out of eating him.

Except if he made it off her house, it wouldn’t matter whether the unicorns ate him or not. At this height, he’d end up in bite-sized pieces without any work on their part.

The crossbreezes where dangerous. He only had two spindly little legs to balance on.

She was the fasted pony in Equestria, but she had to build up a head of steam. Everything turned really slow.

She shot ahead like an arrow, ready to catch him, drag him back, say anything it took to calm him down.

In the next step he took, as she came towards him, she could smell the sweat of the massed ponies beneath her, taste the bitter ozone and herb as spells and stink-bombs shot through the air, feel the cold air rippling across her flank and hear the outraged shriek of resisting winds.

Jamal was too slow to duck. She wrapped her legs around his chest and arms, as if catching a bottled thunderstorm.

It would have worked, if he hadn’t smeared his body with sesame oil.

He slipped from her grasp and she shot onward, into a conjured fireball. Fortunately, the onion bomb and snowstorm put the fire out.

Deep down, Scootaloo knew that Rainbow Dash would save the day, but she wanted to try something herself. The idea might impress her, or earn her a saving-humans cutie mark, or just be fun.

She’d noticed the odd scars on Reiko’s forelegs, well, forearms, and the burn marks in very odd places, like the inner thigh.

More than that, there was something about the way the human held herself that spoke to Scootaloo. The way she flinched at loud noises, how she grabbed a tissue for Rainbow Dash before she even started to sneeze, that too-bright look in the eyes, the too-stiff stance, they all reminded her of, well, she knew what those things meant.

Reiko had a cold determination in her eyes. She’d been muttering to herself, ever since Jamal took the thin metal and curled it into a cone.

“He’s about to try something really stupid, I just know it,” Reiko said.

Scootaloo had only met two humans in her entire lifetime, but that sounded pretty likely to her.

“You can walk on clouds, right? You’re a pegasis,” Reiko said.

“Duh,” Scootaloo said.

“Can you walk on the underside of them?”

“I uh…I never tried.” Scootaloo said.

Reiko grabbed her by the sides. Scootaloo screamed. “What the-what are you doing?”

“Testing fanon,” Reiko said. She pressed Scootaloo up against the ceiling, feet-first. “Try it.”

Scootaloo put one hoof in front of the other, trying not to lose her cool. This was…strange.

The human let go of her. She stayed there.

“I’ve got a plan.”

Scootaloo couldn’t shake the conviction that this particular human was about to do something even stupider.

Rarity caught the falling Rainbow Dash with Narcysiphus’s Naughty Net spell, impulsively, and then realized that she had used some very…esoteric, magic, right in front of everypony. That didn’t matter right now, though. What mattered was not letting the spell break, using the magic to hold Rainbow’s broken wing still and slow her decent enough that she wouldn’t fracture her forelegs on impact with the ground.

Applejack leapt over the crowd to catch Rainbow Dash. She got tangled up in the net, but she didn’t complain when she hit the earth with a thud.

They looked at each other. Applejack’s eyes were wary, but hopeful, probably reflecting the same guarded sense of relief hammering through her own heart.

The steel returned to her friend’s face. She gently released the net spell and rushed to Rainbow’s side, only a few seconds after Applejack reached her.

“Holy Celestia, are you okay?” Applejack shouted.

“She’s obviously not!” Rarity shouted. She pulled out her feinting couch and gently lifted Rainbow Dash onto it.

“Don’t you know it’s dangerous to move somepony when they might have broken limbs, you sodbusting sapsucker?” Applejack asked.

“Wait,” Rainbow Dash croaked.

Her feathers were smoldering and edged with ice. Her eyes were unfocused.

“How’d you guys get up here?” she asked.

Rarity and Applejack exchanged another look. It said “after this, I am fully prepared to provide you with an all-expenses-paid vacation in painland, and possibly a colonic provided through the medium of my hoof thrust far enough up your anus to give you chest pains, but right now we’re two enlightened mares with a mission.”

“I got bandages and quick-setting cast materials. You got a pain spell and disinfectant?” Applejack said.

“Eeyup,” Rarity said, holding back a smile.

“Hey, hey Rarity,” Rainbow Dash said.

“Yes, dear?” Rarity asked.

“I’m a flying horse!” Rainbow Dash gasped. “Isn’t that cool? And you’re a pointy horse!”

“I know dear,” Rarity said, pumping magical painkillers through her close friend’s bloodstream.

It had been a cold and bitter day, but suddenly, Rarity felt a lot warmer.

Author's Note

A longer chapter, and the difficulty of mid-air rescues

Chapter 55

Twilight Sparkle offered to help Dash, but Rarity and Applejack had it covered, and Nurse RedHeart was already crossing the line between the two groups she tried not to think of as armies.

She’d been so terrified, so nervous, so freaked out, that she almost forgot about the fully seasoned human that was about to fall down into their waiting mouths.

“Is she okay?” the human asked.

“She’ll be fine in a few days,” Redheart shouted.

“Good,” he said, closing its eyes.

The human took another step forward. Twilight Sparkle’s frontal lobes took a vacation.

She wiggled past other unicorns, pushing them back with force spells, so she could get the bulk of the meal.

She stopped.

She tried to rein herself in. She tried to be respectful and considerate. She was not going to be ruled by her instincts. She wasn’t a feral dog, or a hydra, or a wyvern. She was a unicorn. She was a scholar.

She was effin starving.

The human took the final step off the cloud

She dived at the spot on the ground, along with a dozen other unicorns, where the meat should have landed.

There was nothing.

Twilight Sparkle looked up.

A tiny orange Pegasus bit into the loop of the human’s belt, underdeveloped wings fluttering like mad.

Two more human arms reached through the cloud, followed by a dragon-like limb, and the food vanished.

Twilight heard the sounds of struggle. The tall human stood up again, charging towards the edge of the cloud.

The smaller human with three arms grabbed a hold of him and lifted him into the air. It didn’t have a metal cone to enhance its voice, but it didn’t need one. It shouted like a dragon with its cloaca caught in an ice floe.

“You stupid bitch!”

Scootaloo climbed back onto the cloud, and the shouting match between the two humans was well underway.

She wanted to step forward, in case one of them did something dangerous. She wanted to tell the weird, sweating, crying creatures that smelled only slightly of wee that everything was going to be okay and that Rainbow Dash had their backs.

Scootaloo didn’t, because the two un-pony-like figures reminded her so much of Mother and Father’s epic shouting matches.

“You stupid little bitch,” Reiko screamed. “How could you be so selfish?”

“You’re calling me selfish?” Jamal bellowed. “What do I have to lose? I’m going to make people and ponies happy. I’m going to save Ponyville!”

Reiko swung in for a slap, but he caught her arm. She swung with the other claw and he caught that.

She cold-clocked him with her reptilian limb, then lifted him up by the seat of his pants.

“You gosh-darned fucking idiot. You think you’re being clever? You think you’re being noble? What about that little girl? The one who made the compass? The one who loves Twilight Sparkle? Do you think she’ll be okay with this?”

“She’ll manage.” Jamal coughed the words out. “She grew up without her mother and plenty of kids in her zip code don’t have a father.”

Reiko clutched him tighter, and pressed her face against his. “How dare you. How can you say that? Do you have any idea how lucky she is?”

Jamal laughed, bitterly. “You call that lucky? A broke-ass minimum-wage father and no mom, living in a bad part of town?”

“Yes,” Reiko hissed, with a tone that made Scootaloo really glad she’d gone to the toilet very recently.

“Do you know how many little girls would consider themselves lucky to have one parent, just one, who loved them, and cared about them, and showed it every day? A daddy who bothers to learn all the names of the characters in her favorite cartoon show? I’ve looked into your soul, dipshit.”

The unicorns and earth ponies below were silent.

“You learn how to braid her hair. You do the very best you can for her, instead of doing a shit job and just saying ‘I did my best’. You don’t care if she puts her elbows on the table. You don’t mind if she doesn’t get all A’s in school. You don’t go through her search history at random times. You don’t act differently when Child Protective Services show up or put on a show for your father-in-law.”

Without noticing it, the human Reiko was dragging her reptilian claws across her own face. Blood streamed down to mingle with the tears.

“Some day she’s gunna grow up, and you know what? You’re going to be there when she graduates high school, you stupid, ugly, pathetic little bitch. You’re going to help her with all the scary complicated forms, trying to qualify for whatever student loans and scholarships you can find.”

The human Reiko hissed at Jamal, spit flying onto his face, eyes wide like an animal in the final stages of rabies.

“You stand there and complain about your shitty, burger-flipping job, like it means the human world would be better off without you. How. Dare. You!”

Reiko swung him around, looking every single unicorn in the eye, one at a time. They started backing up. Even the Earth Ponies and Pegasi backed away.

“I love every one of you. I’d take a bullet for you. But you can’t have him.”

“What are you doing?” Jamal said, real panic showing in his eyes for the first time.

“Shut up, you sweet little dumbass,” Reiko said.

“This is a man with a vital job to do. This is a man with a future ahead of him, and his wonderful little girl. Despite what he says, he makes people happy every day, and he doesn’t count the cost.”

Reiko smiled. It wasn’t a friendly smile or a gentle smile. It was the kind of smile you might see from a blast shrew right before it exploded in your face. It was a smile that Scootaloo had never seen on a pony’s face, not even mother’s face, on her worst nights.

When Reiko started laughing, Scootaloo almost pissed herself.

Author's Note

Reiko has something important to say.

Chapter 56

“Jamal, are you a good father?”

“I know I’m not,” Jamal muttered.

Scootaloo flinched as Reiko slapped Jamal again. “WRONG!”

Reiko shook Jamal like a rag doll. It shouldn’t be possible. He weighed more than her. The pain shooting through her muscles must have been incredible. She didn’t act as if this was anything new.

Reiko licked the blood from her cheeks. “You’re a good daddy. You care about her. You protect her. You don’t…you don’t do all the things that a parent shouldn’t do. And she is very, very, VERY lucky to have you.”

The ponies around them were silent.

“Do you, stupid bitch, have any idea how lucky she is to have that in her life? She could grow up to do great things, or do important but forgotten things, but it doesn’t matter. You are rarer than gold. You are a precious resource, a father who helps his children instead of hurting them.”

Reiko swayed on her two awkward feet and slowly lowered Jamal to the floor of the cloud.

“Scootaloo? Fix me a maretini. I know you know how.”

“What are you-“ Scootaloo began, worried about what idiocy her new friend might pull.

“Do it! Now!”

Scootaloo’s shuddering spine forced her inside, and she rifled through Rainbow Dash’s fridge and liquor cabinet without thinking.

She knew how to use the ice and the shaker. Reiko hadn’t specified dirty or not, but she put a carefully balanced amount of olive brine into the glass to hedge her bets. She curled off a section of lemon peel with expertise, then put the rest of the lemon in the crisper drawer. Rainbow Dash didn’t have any normal toothpicks, but she had some sword-shaped plastic ones.

“—without anesthetic. And my mother was much, much worse,” Reiko said, casually, to the assembled crowd. “It took me so long on tumblr and AIM to figure out that stuff wasn’t normal.”

Scootaloo stepped forward, tentatively, the chilled glass stem gripped between her wings.

“M-m Ms. Reiko? I got your drink ready.”

Reiko picked the glass up by its base, sniffed, and took a long, long gulp.

“Ahh. Scootaloo, you are a master of your craft. If the whole cutie mark crusaders thing falls through, you should try being a bartender.”

“Okay,” Scootaloo said. She didn’t feel okay.

“Jamal, my dude, my buddy, my guy, you think you don’t have anything to live for. You are dead yiffing wrong,” Reiko said, with the confidence of the hopeless.

“Where was I? Oh yeah. The emotional stuff was much, much worse. And this one time, I figured it all out. I took a risk. The purse was lying out there, and there were enough different credit cards she wouldn’t freeze the Amex Business Platinum one for a while. Also there was loose cash. So I went to one of the more prestigious starbucks, IMed my friends, and purchased tickets for the first, and last, convention of my life.”

“Uh, I thought you didn’t know unicorns ate humans?” Berry Shine asked.

“I didn’t. This isn’t about you,” Reiko said, with only a hint of irritation.

“Point is,” Reiko continued, “this has literally been the best time of my life. I’m incredibly lucky. I planned for something like this. Every night, I postpone the queued post that will explain everything to the people who really matter to me. My parents will get the insurance money, which is more than they deserve. My crush, well…she’ll forgive me.” Reiko chuckled.

It was the ugliest, most bitter chuckle that Scootaloo had ever heard.

“Jamal? You just keep doing what you’re doing. Be there for your wonderful little daughter. She’s lucky to have a dad like you, instead of just another father.”

Reiko spun around, laughing, tears running down her bloody cheeks. “You guys, unicorns, earth ponies, and pegasi? Stay friends. I love you so much, I’d do anything for you, and you’re all wonderful and magical. And I pray that you never have to recover from the kind of life I’ve known.” She hesitated, and her eye twitched. “No, I don’t pray. I KNOW that y’all never had to deal with what I have. Because I have to believe that there’s a better world somewhere, that Equestria doesn’t suck that bad. Okay? And if I’m wrong, don’t tell me.”

She knocked back the rest of the maretini.

“Just dig in, bitches.”

Reiko jumped.

Author's Note

Reiko's point is made.

Chapter 57

Rarity was crying. Applejack was crying. Rainbow Dash was crying.

The herds of assembled ponies were weeping, red-eyed, and blowing their noses, even before the three-armed human jumped.

When that happened, most of them froze.

The Earth Ponies charged forward, hooves outstretched, but they were going to be late, far too late.

The unicorns prepared Feather Fall, Force Pillow, and other catching spells. They were all aiming at different places.

Twilight Sparkle had reached out with her own telekinetic field when the human landed firmly on the back of an accelerated Fluttershy.

“Take me back!” Reiko shouted.

Fluttershy ignored her.

Reiko reached down and punched Fluttershy in a very sensitive place.

Fluttershy screamed, threw up in mid-air, and slowly lowered herself to the ground.

“Oh my Celestia, what have we done?” Twilight Sparkle asked.

She stampeded forward, knocking back the other hungry unicorns with waves of force magic. Her stomach rumbled. Spit foamed and screamed down her neck.

Twilight bit into her own leg. She bit harder, until the pain turned her vision red and blood flowed. She tasted and drank her own blood.

Aside from the pain, she felt a little better.

“What are you waiting for?” Reiko shouted. “Eat up, bitches! This meatbag has nothing left to lose!”

“I’m sorry,” Twilight said. “I’m so, so sorry.”

“Darling, can you ever forgive me for what I’ve done to you?” Rarity asked, blowing her nose in a monogrammed hankerchief. “I acted like a savage animal!”

“Oh cut out this horse-apples,” Lemon Hearts shouted, slamming Rarity to the ground. “Lemme at it! Flesh! FLESH!”

A rock slammed into Lemon Hearts’s head. She swayed, and then went down when Fluttershy kicked her in the face.

“What a thoroughly unpleasant pony,” Fluttershy said.

“Anypony else want to eat our friends?” Rainbow Dash shouted from the feinting couch.

“Dear Princess Celestia…”

Where to begin?

Twilight Sparkle chewed on her quill.

“Equestria has existed in a state of relative peace for the past millennium. For eons, we’ve read books, used tools, cooked our food, and slept indoors. It’s easy to forget that this isn’t our natural state of being. We aren’t just people, we are animals.”

Rainbow Dash sat on a pile of cushions, her wings in casts and the rest of her covered with a variety of enchanted bandages and thunderblossom ointments, and a cone around her neck that had proved necessary to keep her from licking open the skin grafts. She watched the progress of Twilight’s quill with heavily medicated fascination.

Fluttershy was clutching a magical ice-pack and hiding her head behind her wings. Neither of the two legged-neither of the humans was making eye contact with her.

Rarity gave an embarrassed grin, the closed her mouth to hide her teeth. She levitated some teacups and cucumber sandwiches over to Applejack.

Applejack, for her part, was watching Twilight Sparkle the way you might watch a caged wild manticore just after you noticed the door to its cage was open.

Pinkie Pie was counting the “fingers” and “toes” on the humans.

“I…I like to think of myself as a rational pony. Somepony who uses reason to rule her emotions, who thinks of long-term consequences instead of short term gain.” She sighed. “But ponies haven’t always been civilized. We grew up in a harsh land, full of predators, competition,” she dipped her quill again, “and limited food sources. We couldn’t always go down to the market for a bushel of carrots or a hayburger. Different living things shape themselves to fit different niches for survival, and that happened even more when the whole world was as wild and chaotic as the Everfree.”

She was stalling, running up the page-length, and she knew it.

She looked at the humans, really looked at them, their scrapes and bruises, their bright tiny eyes, their useless claws, their tender flesh, devoid of scales or fur or other protections.

“What I mean is, we can get as smart as we want, as cultured and refined and self-controlled, but we are still things shaped for survival. There will always be a part of us that is obsolete, that knows nothing about consequences, or mercy, or reason.” She bit her lip. “Good friends can remind us of that, they can watch out for that part of us, but it’s up to us to keep it in check.”

She slumped on the ground and dropped the quill.

Rarity picked the pen up and tapped it thoughtfully. She cast an apologetic gaze at the human Reiko. Reiko gave her a thumbs up, then patted Twilight gently on the head.

“Dear Princess Celestia,

I’ve always thought of myself as a respectable mare. I don’t wear white after Labor Day, I spend as much time on aftercare as I do on a scene, I always offer the last bread roll to somepony else. I put my personal needs aside when we’re trying to save the world from a corrupted alicorn or evil shapeshifters or a spirit of chaos.”

She levitated a plate of cucumber sandwiches and a tray of home-made lemon bars around the group. Everyone except Rainbow Dash and Jamal took one. She sighed.

“But the laws of friendship and morality can be muddier when there isn’t some world-changing catastrophe or existential threat at work. I try to treat all my friends with respect, certainly, but what of the stranger to these lands? I thought, when I became friends with Zecora, that I had worked my way past judging a book by its cover and relying too much on rumor and folklore for my information.”

For the first time, Rarity looked Reiko full in the face. She looked at the jagged scar along the human’s ear, where she had torn out that succulent, inexcusable, unforgettable bite.

“Just because somepony, …just because Some One is delicious, and comes from a world of violence and hatred, that does not make them any less deserving of respect. Even if you intend to share something wonderful, be it a pile of gold or a pile of raw human flesh, that doesn’t make it okay to take something that doesn’t belong to you.”

“It’s all cool,” Reiko said, through a mouthful of lemon bar. “These are great, by the way.”

“Thank you,” Rarity said, with humility and a bit of choked-up held-back tears.

Fluttershy stepped up and gripped the quill with her wing. Rainbow Dash was busy drooling and trying to nibble on her skin grafts.

“Dear Princess Celestia,

Today I learned that, even if a cause is just, you can alienate people who might otherwise support it by being overbearing and—EEK!”

Fluttershy yelped as Rainbow Dash sank her teeth into her tail and yanked the quill out of her feathers.

“Sh-shouldn’t you be OW resting?”

“No, not yet! And this isn’t the painkillers talking!” Rainbow Dash slurred. “You’re wrong, dead wrong, you stupid…stupid little fluffbutt.”

Everypony stiffened up. The humans took a step back.

“Because,” Rainbow Dash said, grabbing the quill with her mouth, “you have nothing, nooooothing, to apologize for, you pretty dumb cute mare.”

Rainbow Dash scribbled furiously, then spat out the quill.

“There.”

Twilight Sparkle gave her a would-you-like-to-share-with-the-rest-of-the-class? gesture.

“Oh, right,” Rainbow Dash chuckled. She cleared her throat, chased her tail for a few seconds, and then focused her differently sized pupils on the text she had written.

“Today, like, I learned that um, other ponies don’t owe me respectability. I shouldn’t regulate their tone and yell at them for being bitchy or some stuff like that if they are just saying ‘murder is wrong’ or ‘don’t strangle kittens’. I let my purses, pus, personal feelings about shutter fly override the very real moral truth of the situation.” Her eyes watered. “I just…I dunno man. I didn’t want my friends to fight, I was torn between two worlds, and I let the indecision paralyze me. I just thought about this like it was me and Applejack getting competitive or Rarity being prissy, instead of thinking about the very real lives at stake.”

She looked Reiko and Jamal in the eyes.

“I am so, so sorry you guys. No matter how abrasive butter dry was, I shouldn’t have let myself wash my hooves of the whole affair and throw you four to the timber wolves.” She sniffed hard. “I love you awkward dorks so, so much, and like, after this,” she wiped away tears, “we’re gonna graduate, and I’m never gonna see any of you again!”

Fluttershy stepped up and carefully patted Rainbow Dash on the back. “It’s okay Dashie.” She raised a handkerchief up to Rainbow Dash’s face. Rainbow Dash filled it immediately.

“Applejack, do you want to write anything?” Twilight Sparkle said, her voice tight and her eyes watery.

Applejack picked up the quill, dipped it, made a few scratches, and returned it.

“Dear Princess Celestia,

Today I learned that friends don’t let friends eat people, even if those people eat ungulates in a parallel whatsit where ungulates can’t talk. “

Jamal snorted.

Pinkie Pie took up the quill.

“Dear Princess Celestia,

Today-“

Pinkie Pie was interrupted by a feral dragon scream as Spike lunged after Reiko and Jamal with a huge net.

“Dude, read the room!” Reiko said as she pushed out from under the net.

“Oh,” Spike said. “Uh, Rarity? Twilight?”

The two unicorns sighed.

“Good grief! Why didn’t anypony tell me we’re not trying to catch the humans anymore? Honestly!”

He walked off in a huff.

Everypony laughed. Reiko chuckled and Jamal smiled.

Pinkie Pie resumed her writing.

“Dear Princess Celestia,

Today I learned that some of the funny humans who watch the highlights of our waking lives have some very silly ideas about what can go in a cupcake and what is the hardest part of a body to dispose of…

Chapter 58

Lyra rubbed her distended stomach and wiped her tears with a leaf. Binge-eating didn’t erase the horrors she’d experienced, but it helped take the edge off.

In the comfort of the food-high, she reflected that she couldn’t take this one human as a reflection of the entire species. Sure, humans were capable of great evil, but Nightmare Moon was ready to usher in an endless night that would eventually end most of the life on the planet. She just needed some perspective.

The bushes rustled.

She straightened up.

A manticore stepped out of the darkness and roared at her.

Lyra raised an eyebrow.

“Oh PLEASE. Do you think I’ve never eaten an apex predator before?” She chucked one of Max’s ribs at it in a half-hearted way.

The manticore snuffled and began gnawing it.

“Aw, poor boy. You’re just hungry, aren’t you?”

Max’s “girlfriend” sounded like…well, a nice human, from the very limited, very narrow understanding she’d gotten from the human’s twisted version of events.

There had to be good humans out there. She couldn’t give up on her childhood dream now.

Her stomach gurgled, unused to processing this much animal fat and complex protein.

She thumped her stomach and let loose a belch that scared buzzards out of the trees.

Maybe she could do something to help the good humans and save them from the bad humans.

In theory, there was nothing to stop the seeker spell from being expanded into a pony-sized portal. She’d need something bigger than a tooth, of course, but now there were plenty of human bones all around her, and she could re-use them for magic even after they’d formed the stock base for a shiveringly delicious soup.

Maybe she could find out about Max’s friends. Maybe she could check out the human information network and find out who drew “kink art” of foals.

Lyra licked her lips.

“This spell requires a link to my presence in your world,” Twilight Sparkle said. “There’s already been some low-level psychic bleed-through between my repressed instincts and the human ‘voice actor’ who represents me in your televisual programs.” Twilight pointed her horn to the complex diagram on the chalkboard.

“That explains those tweets,” Reiko said.

“What do birds have to do with this?” Fluttershy asked.

“It would take too long to explain,” Jamal said, putting a firm hand over Reiko’s mouth.

“The interplanar anchor will take the form of a small package wrapped in brown paper. You must deliver it before brand on your inner thigh grows cold, or half of you will get snatched back to equestrian and the other human will be distributed evenly over 20 cubic leagues in a random direction.”

The humans nodded.

“The tricky part is I need some, well, raw material for this transposition spell. Something from your home universe would be ideal, especially with complex proteins.”

“You aren’t trying to use this as a trick and get to eat us after all, are you?” Jamal said, inching closer to Applejack, who wrapped a protective leg around him.

“No. But it will be, uh, just a little bit messy,” Twilight said, trying and failing to smile reassuringly.

Jamal pressed his back against the wall.

“The one of you who makes the delivery will have the most pressure on her or him, obviously, but the one who stays behind will need to, well, donate a larger portion of the anchor.”

“Donate?” Jamal and Applejack said.

“Donate to the Get Rainbow Dash laid foundation!” Rainbow shouted, voice echoing through her protective cone. Pinkie Pie laughed at that and Rarity covered up a demure snicker.

“Since you’ve already been mutated by a Very badly cast cantrip, well, Reiko, I was thinking we could take care of that surplus scaly limb.”
Reiko raised her reptilian arm as if in a classroom.

“Actually, if I get to choose, can I keep this one and cut off one of the normal human arms?”

Everyone except Pinkie Pie stared at her.

Reiko blushed and twiddled all three of her thumbs.

“See, I’ve been researching things, and there are certain, well-off young women who think they are straight but would pay a huge amount of trust fund money to get finger-banged by somebody with scales.” She coughed. “Maybe enough to flee to Canada or something.”

Pinkie Pie stood on her hind legs and brushed back her hair flat, pulling a luggage cart out of nowhere. “Now, we don’t have time to unpack all of that.”

“Yes, we don’t”, Twilight said, “because I need to start drawing a triscadecagon with Jamal’s blood and the bone marrow and sinews need to be distilled in rose water and alicorn tears very, very carefully.”

Pinkie Pie deflated. “Aw, you guys. This is sad! I’m only going to see you two once a week for short stretches after this, and there’ll be long, quiet hiatuses in between each season of our lives.”

Reiko patted her on the back. “Hey, there’s always fanfiction, right?”

“It’s not the same,” Pinkie Pie muttered. The other ponies stared at her, shook their heads, and returned to the task at hand.

Twilight Sparkle came out with a muzzle. “Applejack, will you put this on me?”

Applejack reared up and whinnied. “Whoa their, pal, I uh, I like you a lot, just…not the way I like Rarity or, no offense-“

Twilight snorted. “It’s to keep me from biting. Remember, I’m still a unicorn? I’m going to be working directly with hot, salty, fresh-spilled human blood and I don’t completely trust myself to overpower my omnivorous instincts.

“Ah, right. Of course! Silly me,” Applejack chortled unconvincingly. “Ah mean, what else would somepony use a muzzle for? Heh!”

This time, everypony stared at her, and Reiko whipped out a journal and took some hurried notes.

“Oh for Pete’s sake,” Applejack said. “Alright this aint my first rodeo.”

“Applejack, dear, would you be willing to do the, er, amputation?” Rarity pleaded. “Our friend Twilight is already putting up with a great deal of temptation, and I, well, I don’t trust myself around that much raw human flesh.” She forced a high-pitched laugh.

“Oh don’t worry guys,” Reiko said. “I checked the spell parameters, and Twilight only needs two pounds of skin, muscle, fat and bone.”

“What?” Twilight asked. “How do you know about advanced quantum genetics magical theory?”

Reiko shrugged. “Well I read up on a lot of fan forums about unicorn magic, and then I also recite alchemical texts and string theory in my head when I’m trying not to cry audibly.”

Reiko broke the awkward silence by thumping Applejack on the back. “Also, you won’t need to do any of this dirty work. Just give me a bonesaw or a cleaver and I’ll take care of it myself.”

“Darling, we still need to get a lot of complex quasi-magical painkillers into your system,” Rarity said, brushing up against her. Celestia, she smelled so good, but she couldn’t take a bite again. She’d already humiliated herself and her species in front of this lovely stranger.

“Nah nah, I don’t wanna make a fuss you guys!” Reiko said, waving all three hands in a conciliatory manner. “Seriously, I’m not all needy mcneedyface. You guys can just relax. I’ll handle this all myself.” She looked at Rarity. “And, on top of that, I’m gonna slice off some bite-sized sections for you to enjoy. Anything surplus to the spell is fair game, and I gotta lose at least one of these arms, right?”

Reiko burst into laughter. Nopony joined in. Jamal inched away from her.

“Are, uh, do most humans have this much…are most humans like this?” Fluttershy asked, trembling. She would need a lot of cuddle time with angel and her favorite python after this.

“God I hope not,” Jamal said.

“Kidding!” Reiko said, waving her arms around. “I mean I was totally just kidding! Yeah I’ll wait for the painkillers. Totally. Just um, still giving out portions of my severed flesh as party favors.” Her eyes suddenly brimmed with tears. “This is so awesome you guys. I…I’ve never had this much fun in my life.”

Silence broke out again. Pinkie Pie’s hair deflated.

“Are…uh…are you okay, man?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“Nope!” Reiko said with a triple thumbs-up. “But that’s not the issue right now! Twilight Sparkle, is there any way you can like, send one of us back, and leave the other here? Asking for a friend.”

“No, human Reiko,” Twilight said. She risked putting her hooves around her and taking in a breath of her intoxicating smell. “I know you’re…very unhappy, with your lot in life, but Jamal needs to get back to his daughter.”

“What if you just like, sent half of me back? I mean who needs legs and a large intestine anyway?”

Jamal had somehow gravitated into the farthest corner of the treehouse/library and was digging his back into the wall. Applejack was staring on with fascinated horror. Rarity was scrupulously looking at the floor. Pinkie Pie was staring, hair flat as a pancake, and pulled something out of nowhere to snort. Rainbow Dash’s expression suggested that the drug-fueled haze and shock were crumbling away under a very rapid assault.

“Kidding! I mean, yes, I’m kidding! Hahahahhahha!” Reiko said.

“When you do get back to your cosmos of origin, Reiko, and if you manage to make that teratophile finger-banging money, I suggest you invest some of it in a world-class therapist,” Twilight Sparkle said, in an almost level, friendly, normal tone of voice.

“Okay, fair,” Reiko said with a little laugh.

“Alright, I’ll get the syringe and start extracting blood after Applejack muzzles me,” Twilight said. Everypony relaxed a little, and Jamal came out of his retreat corner.

Twilight Sparkle pulled out a syringe that was slightly longer and bigger around than her leg.

“Aw hell no!” Jamal squealed. “No way are you sticking me with something like that.

Reiko looked him dead in the eye, grabbed a ritual dagger, and pressed it into her armpit. “Really? You’re going to complain about That?”

“Nevermind,” Jamal said, shamefacedly.

Author's Note

" tara strong‏Verified account @tarastrong
I'm on my way to meet some funny yummy delicious fans...that's right, I eat fans now. 900 8th Ave. b there now & get eaten. Wait outside"

Journey's End

“Honey, I am so, so sorry for what I did to you. Is there anything I can do to make it up?” Rarity asked. She had failed as a lady. She had failed Applejack and Fluttershy as a friend.

Reiko muttered something, avoiding eye contact.

“Sorry? What was that?”

“Imeanidon’tknowifyourstraightbutakisswouldreallymakeitbetter,” Reiko whispered.

Rarity threw her head back and laughed. “Oh sweetie, after I bit off your ear, that would be the least I can do.”

The human bent down and closed her eyes. Rarity leaned forward, reined in the urge to bite her face off and chew open her bones for the tasty marrow, and planted a soft little kiss on her cheek. The human’s face blushed, filling with hot blood.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to just, do the amputation myself?” she asked, eyes bright and sparkling. “I don’t have a problem with it. I can start before the painkillers kick in!”

Rarity’s heart didn’t break, because she didn’t know this human well enough for that, but it fractured along a fault line. “No, dear. Really.” She patted the delicious human on the back.

“You’re totally getting two extra portions of my severed arm,” Reiko said, with a wink.

Twilight Sparkle stepped up to Jamal.

“Are you ready to go home?”

“Of course,” Jamal said.

Applejack slapped him on the back so hard he doubled over.

“Sugarcube, you’re a stallion and a half. I still don’t understand a lot about that crazy world y’all live in, but every human being who lives there is better off for you still being back home in one solid piece and not sliced up into cold cuts for unicorn gourmands.”

“Thanks,” Jamal said, wiping his nose.

“Aw, are you crying?” Applejack asked.

“I’m not crying! You’re crying!” Jamal said, through a mouthful of laughter.

Twilight handed him a brown paper bag. She also gave him a tiny bag of black velvet.

“What’s this?” Jamal asked.

“Well, you told me that your daughter is a big ‘fan’ of me, so I thought I’d get her something. The blue crystal in it will enhance her memory and social awareness, and protect her from poisons and radiation. Just in case that doesn’t work, because of different laws of reality, I’ve also included a lock of my hair.” She smiled. “She might not believe it, of course, but you can still tell your daughter that it’s a clipping from Twilight Sparkle.”

Jamal wiped his nose again.

“I…uh, I didn’t think I’d say this, especially to somebody who tried to eat me alive, but you’re a real champ. Thank you.”

“Least I can do!” Twilight Sparkle said, through the muzzle. Her stomach roared like an angry manticore.

“Let’s get home,” Jamal said.

“I guess,” Reiko sighed. “Who knows. Maybe I can meet up with my online friends and ditch my parent’s credit card in a train station bathroom.”

Jamal stepped into the elaborate symbols, written in his own blood. He vanished in a flash of light.

In the far distance, something screamed out with frustration and hatred. The cold wind died, and warmth began to spread throughout Ponyville.

“We’ve got a little while before he reaches Tara Strong,” Reiko said, nervously.

“What’s on your mind, sweet pea?” Applejack asked.

Reiko pointed at Spike and the quill.

“Knock yourself out,” Twilight Sparkle said.

“Dear Princess Celestia…” Reiko began.

THE END

Author's Note

Thank you for your patience. I hope you enjoyed the ride. :) Feedback is greatly appreciated.

HopeStar Night

Twilight Sparkle regarded the sumptuous feast dispassionately. The first day had been the toughest. She'd had to keep off the grass, force herself to walk past every flower stall, and avoid even looking in the direction of Applejack's farm. On the second day she'd read every cookbook twice. Now the hunger pangs had eased and food didn't seem real somehow. She crammed a fuji apple into the "mouth" of a realistically-sculpted seitan bull. With a small grunt, she levitated it onto the spit. The dandelion-mushroom stew wouldn't be done for a few minutes. The elderberry pudding sat steaming on its plate. Everything was fine, right?

Twilight Sparkle donned a helmet hammered out of old cider cans and took up a historically-authentic recreated spear. She winked out to the roof. The storm-lantern shone bright. She made a show of looking around and waved her spear. A flash of violet light near the Everfree Forest caught her eye. The trees rustled, but nothing came out of them. Maybe it was a discharge of background magic. No wyverns flew forth, no dragon emerged, and there were definitely no changelings. There were never any changelings abroad during HopeStar Night, or so it seemed. Then again, how would she know?
Twilight shivered, made a mental note to look up Everfree Forest phenomena later, and winked back inside. This holiday was a little less fun after the wedding. Shining Armor had loved playing sentinel on HopeStar Night, but he was celebrating with Cadence's family this year. How would she feel around this time? Would Shining still celebrate it, or would it bring up too many painful memories after the time he spent loving that thing?

She winked around the tree house. All the windows were shut tight, all the doors were locked, and the black paper King was safe in the basement. She sat down and relaxed for a moment. Then she sprung to her hooves and checked everything again.

Twilight stirred the pot and sniffed. She'd been so proud the first year Mom had let her watch over the stew. Of course, she'd let it boil too long, but the stew was supposed to taste watery and horrible.

Twilight sniffed again. Her eyes shouldn't be watering. Sure, this was her first HopeStar night away from home, but she'd been living in Ponyville for a while now.

The stew hissed and bubbled. Twilight yanked it off the stove before it could overflow. She panted and turned to her second-edition copy of Princess Platinum'f Booke of Royale Recipef for Fpeciale Celebrationf. She double-checked the hourglass next to the fried green hay. They still weren't ready. She browsed through the other items.

Really, it was more like a short story anthology or a family history than a cookbook. The hay fries had a nearly-accurate account of the Seige of HopeStar Tower right in between the ingredients list and the instructions. SharpSpear's recipe for crabgrass candy contained a comic tale of the recipe's accidental discovery during a birthday celebration where the sugar supply had been ruined by an errant pegasus's raincloud. The curried bear had been invented during Chancellor Beetface's coup, when the political in-fighting kept earth ponies too busy to export more than a few strong spices. Despite the badly-written epic poem about the bravery of the royal huntsmares, Twilight noted that the ingredients assumed cub-sized portions or old meat needing to be tenderized.

Four loud knocks rang out. Twilight scampered to her feet, grabbed a cooking knife, and ran to the door.

Rarity grinned at inside an emerald-encrusted helmet. "Oh please, please, I beg you to let me in before I am torn to shreds!"
"You could be a changeling!" Twilight barked. "Expose your heart and prove yourself!"

Rarity reared up on two hooves, lining up her chest with the heart-shaped peephole in the door. Twilight lowered her spear and pressed it against the tip of her skin.

Rarity swallowed and started to take a deep breath. Twilight pulled back the spear enough to keep Rarity from puncturing herself. Rarity let out a tight, nervous giggle, and then waved her hoof in an "alright, I'm ready" gesture.

"Straight from my heart, Twilight Sparkle, I threw a complete temper tantrum on my eighth birthday all because I wanted a Canterlot Embroidery Kit instead of a kitten." She shuddered violently and Twilight pulled back the spear further. "I shouted at my parents. I called Opal ugly and said she was the worst birthday ever! Of course, my father was absolutely speechless and mother sent me to my room, but I didn't realize how completely horrible I'd been until I heard Opal yawling and Dad trying to calm her down." Rarity dabbed her face with a silk handkerchief. "I am Rarity."

"You are a true unicorn," Twilight sniffled. "Enter the safety of our castle." Twilight flung aside the spear. She unbolted the door and Rarity cantered in. At least Rarity had only been a little kid when she'd learned about ingratitude.

"I didn't have to use a real flint-tipped hunting spear," Twilight said. "We just used a rubber one."

"Oh, but I really appreciate you going all-out for my first Hopestar Night," Rarity said. "I don't know that many other unicorns in town, and my parents were never interested in pre-equestrian traditions."

Twilight Sparkle peered into the night and checked her clock. “About that, are you sure you don’t mind Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash joining in?”

“Of course not,” Rarity purred. She pulled out a few thin blue booklets with runic inscriptions and a stylized image of a star in a tower. “I even got in these instruction pamphlets with non-magical alternative captions from-“

Rarity’s words were drowned out by a low rumble. Twilight glanced out the window. There weren’t any storms planned for tonight. When she looked back, Rarity was watching the roast from a few inches away. She ducked her head and pawed the floor, blushing.

“Incidentally, Twilight dear, this feast you’ve prepared is an absolute work of art."

"Well, I suppose it's up to standard," Twilight sighed. She winked over and blew out the fire under the sizzling green hay.
Rarity pranced along sniffing at every holiday treat. "Oh no, Twilight dear, don't sell yourself short. The stew smells more wonderful than mushrooms and dandelions have any right to smell, the hay fries are to die for, and I can tell you used fresh elderberries instead of canned ones. The only way it could be more authentic is if you had a real dead bull!" She stared at the vegetarian bull-substitute and dabbed her mouth with an embroidered turquoise handkerchief.

"I did my best," Twilight Sparkle said, blushing. "Anyway, Owlowiscious and Spike did most of the preparations."

Rarity glanced at Spike's empty cot.

"He's at the sleepover party with Scootaloo," Twilight Sparkle said.

Rarity shrugged and adjusted her helmet. "So is Sweetie Belle. She just doesn’t have much interest in her heritage."

A loud rapping sounded at the door. "I'm being pursued by a swarm of changelings. I can hold them off for a while, but you'll have to let me in soon!" Rainbow Dash shouted.

Twilight Sparkle leveled her spear again. "Expose your heart and prove yourself!"

There was a pause. Rarity flipped open the cookbook. She could stick to the fasting diet of a few mouthfuls of moss and vinegar-water a day, but she couldn't stop thinking about food. An item between horseradish-larkspit salad and ivy-apple casserole caught her eyes. The chiefs of the rival unicorn tribes would only submit to a mare who proved herself an able huntress and provider. To this end, Princess Platinum invited them to a feast at which the main course would be the most dangerous game in Equestria. Princess Platinum hunted down these cunning animals singlehoofedly, scoffing at their spears, traps and flaming sticks, without any help from her royal magician at all. When they saw the proof of her courage and tasted the sumptuous feast, all seven wild stallions swore allegiance to her kingdom and agreed to be her faithful consorts.

Some chefs claim that minotaur is an adequate substitute, but it's bullish heritage renders it too gamey for this recipe, and the sight of fire-roasted hooves may offend those of a delicate temperament. Although rare, this dish can be tracked down by a dedicated huntress, and there is no truth to the rumors that predation of this tenacious species is risking the extinct-
"I said expose your heart and prove yourself!" Twilight shouted.

"Sorry," Rainbow Dash squeaked. "What do I do again?"

"You have to reveal a deep personal secret, something that proves who you are," Rarity called out. She abandoned the book and glared at Rainbow Dash's exposed chest. "Otherwise we may be forced to condemn you as a changeling spy and stab your heart."

"What if I don't have any secrets?" Rainbow Dash said. Rarity narrowed her eyes. A reverse-lightning storm in the Everfree forest flashed against the sky.

Rainbow Dash cleared her throat. "I swear by my heart this is true. Back when I did my first sonic rainboom, I got so excited, that I completely forgot about Fluttershy!” Her wings dropped and she pressed up her chest against the peephole. “I didn’t even check to see if she was okay afterwards. I mean, sure, her air bladder would have protected her from the worst, but she still could have come out with broken bones, and I knew she wasn’t a good flier, especially when she panicked!”

Twilight winced and lowered the spear.

“I’m not done. Right after that day, I promised to her I’d never ignore her again.” Rainbow Dash offered up a grin weaker than spun-sugar armor. “The first time I broke that promise was a week later.” She blinked hard and sniffled, “I am Rainbow Dash.”

“You are a true uni--a true pony,” Twilight Sparkle said. “Enter the safety of our castle.”

“I’m not crying,” Rainbow Dash said. She trotted in and glared behind her.

Rarity averted her eyes from Rainbow’s watery gaze.

Another hammering came at the door. Rarity took up Twilight’s spear and rushed over.

“Oh for the love of Celestia, please please PLEASE let me in before these changelings suck all the love out of me, and then I won’t have any love left to give to Celestia! So let me in!” Pinkie Pie squealed. For a second Rarity wondered if there were changelings after her, but no, she was all alone.

“Are you a changeling yourself? Expose your heart and prove yourself!” Rarity said, rubbing her hoof across the tip of the spear to throw sparks.

“Straight from my heart, Rarity, I ate thirty-seven corn cakes. As soon as I tasted one, they were just so corny, and you know how much I love corny things, and I couldn’t stop until they were almost leaking out of my ears! Also, somebody died the last time I broke a Pinkie Promise. And, um, even though we were supposed to stick to a fast diet with nothing more than vinager diluted in water and cave-moss, in honor of the ancient unicorns who had to starve while the siege blocked off earth pony food shipments and kept hunting parties from roaming, but instead I ate a whole pound of dough, a big patch of clover, and a bunch of honeycombs.” She finished by burping out a few bees. “I’m really really really really sorry!” Her ears drooped.

Rarity scratched her ear. She hadn’t quite caught that mumbled part in the middle, but tradition had been satisfied.

Rainbow Dash fluttered over, eyes wide. “Pinkie Pie, do you want to talk about--“

“Nope! Can we eat now?” Pinkie Pie said, bouncing over to the hay fries. “I’m starving and all of this looks super-duper-delicious! Why do you have a giant hunk of food with Iron Will’s head?“ She laughed. “That’s just silly!”

Rarity nodded, wringing out her drool-soaked handkerchief. “Yes, silly,” she laughed. So far Iron Will was the only minotaur in Gryphonia brave enough to venture into territory inhabited by his natural predators, and even he wouldn’t set hoof inside the bounds of a unicorn-intensive area like Canterlot.

“Well, the original siege ended with the sacrifice and consumption of a live bull, but the consumption of other ungulates was outlawed at the start of Princess Celestia’s reign.”

Rainbow Dash skidded in midair. “You guys used to eat live bulls?”
Rarity blushed and laughed awkwardly. “Well, not us personally.”
“Bulls, bears, and two-legged deer all used to form part of the unicorn diet, back during the pre-equestrian era. Of course, now we don't need to supplement our diets thanks to earth pony magic growing large amounts of vegetable food, and the two-legged deer went extinct from overhunting. ”

Pinkie Pie frowned, reached over, and pulled back Rarity’s lips. She darted to Twilight Sparkle and stuck a hoof down her throat, feeling around. “That’s just crazy,” Pinkie Pie said. “You're less than half as big as a full-grown bull. How could you gobble them up?”

Rarity was staring at the seitan-bull and Rainbow Dash’s stomach was growling, but she looked curious too.

“This isn’t some weird unicorn in-joke is it?” Rainbow asked.

Rarity waved her tail in a never-mind gesture. Twilight trembled with the need to share esoteric knowledge and pulled Pinkie Pie's leg out of her mouth.

“Actually, it’s easier than you think. The thaumic charges in our second stomach make us able to digest animal protein much faster than vegetable matter, and allow a proportionate distention. Usually the whole hunting pack would bring down one bull for food, but in times of famine a single unicorn could demolish a small two-legged deer or bear cub and live off the fat stores afterwards for up to a season.” She grinned proudly. “Isn’t that fascinating?”

Pinkie Pie nodded and squirmed. She banished a mental image of Twilight Sparkle sinking her teeth into Daisy the cow’s husband. These things were all a long time ago.

Rainbow Dash burst out laughing. “Oh Nightmare Moon’s fangs, that’s awesome.”

Twilight tilted her head. “You think so?”

Rarity leaned close to her. “Such language! But really, don’t you think it’s a little uncouth or disturbing?”

“Naw, I won’t judge. I used to go fishing with my d--my parents, all the time back in Cloudsdale. If you don’t think pegasi are gross for eating fishsticks and sushi, then I won’t bring up the meatier parts of unicorn history. Besides, if I could do it without getting sick I wouldn't mind roasting that long-eared jerk for the way he treats Fluttershy. Just don’t tell her about the bear curry, okay? “

“I assure you, we know better than to do that. Isn’t that right, Twilight?” Rarity said, giving her a nudge with her horn.

“Of course not,” Twilight said. “I Pinkie-Promise. Now, Rarity, would you do the honors and begin the feast?”

Rarity levitated the non-magic-user instruction pamphlets to Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie. She shifted her hooves with delight and trotted up to the delicious vegetarian roast. She levitated up a jagged flint knife and pressed it against the “neck” of the fake bull until a drop of cranberry-sauce filling dropped out.

“For the fallen, for the lost crown, and for the wishing star!” she cried out. She yanked the blade across, tearing through the imitation meat several inches deep. Sour sauce, salty juices, and moist stuffing gushed into the clay bowl.

Pinkie Pie pulled back her tail and shot like a party cannon towards the food. Rainbow Dash accelerated in front of a small mach cone. Rarity took a huge, juicy bite just as Twilight Sparkle burst out of the vegetarian bull substitute’s back with a flash of magic. Rarity tried to slow down but ended up swallowing the half-severed head in a single bite. In the few seconds it took Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie to reach the main course, their unicorn friends had stripped more than half of the “flesh” down to the wooden frame bones. Twilight Sparkle and Rarity lumbered out of the way, their bellies distended and round. Twilight licked the bits of stuffing off her hooves while Rarity tried to stifle a loud belch.

“I guess you guys didn’t cheat on your diets,” Rainbow Dash said after she cleaned up a flank of seitan and several platefuls of stuffing.

Twilight levitated out equal portions of hay fries, good honest grass symbolizing their shared stake in the enduring unicorn culture. “Well, it’s the good old unicorn metabolism. Our appetite goes into overdrive after a prolonged period of a low-protein diet. We’ll both be eating a little more than our share for weeks to come.”

“And after the hay fries, we get to slay felt-puppet changelings and the one who defeats the most gets to wish on the 'HopeStar’,” Rarity sighed. She paused for a very small mouthful of fried hay and dabbed fastidiously with her napkin. She knew exactly what she’d wish for.

Conflicted Dragon and Personal Questions

“Hey Twilight, do we have any books about two-legged deers?” Spike said, in a casual tone that wouldn’t have stood up to any scrutiny.

“Hm,” Twilight Sparkle said. She didn’t look up from her scroll.

“Books on two-legged deers? Wild creatures that unicorns used to hunt?”

“Mm?” Twilight volunteered.

Spike looked around the row of Smart Cookie’s travalogues, and the Big Bad Baroque Beastiary. There wasn’t anything about two-legged deer in their tables of contents. He reached for the Princess Platinum volumes, but found Super Naturals instead. As soon as he got the latest library system down, Twilight had to reorganize the entire filing method. How could he get her attention?

"Hey Twilight, I'm about to dog-ear this page," Spike shouted.

Twilight appeared two inches from him in a flash of magic. "I have one-hundred and thirteen bookmarks here for a reason, Spike!"

"Got any books about two-legged deer?" Spike said.

"Well, recipes for two-legged deer are in Princess Platinum'f Booke of Royale Recipef for Fpeciale Celebrationf, To Serve Man, and Onion Sage's Exotic Comestables for the Delight of Guests and Ideal Balancing of the Humors. If you want to learn about the feeding habits, migration patterns, and mating rituals of two-legged deer, I have to recommend Author Tract's One Hundred and One Things You Wanted to Know About Wild Animals But Were Too Uncomfortable to Ask. It can be pretty dry, but it's loaded with witty footnotes and primary source quotes! They should be indexed under the Long Pork/Raw Human, Pony Prehistory, Rare and Extinct Beasts, Dangerous Wild Creatures, and Love Poetry, although as soon as I set up my newest filing system…"

Spike swayed on his feet. It was best to just let things run their course when Twilight got into a serious lecture. Words floated in the void like "curious", "cunning," "savory", "elusive" and "mouth-watering". He could hear the grass growing outside.

"--in the dream, I said 'you're all so Twilightlicious, I'm going to gobble you up! Muahahhah!' And there was a hoard of humans I was talking to, and they were all excited about it. It reminds me of the dream where I asked for a velvet cake full of humans for my birthday. Pinkie Pie thought they were memories from another world leaking into the back of my mind, but that's just ridiculous. The subliminal psionic bleed-through theory has been disproved by every prominent skeptic, from Pillow Fortean to Richard Trotkins. I thought of asking Princess Luna about it, but I didn't really want to waste her time with another crazy Pinkie Pie idea. Still, you have to understand the ideological basis for the subliminal psionic bleed-through hypothesis to see why--"

Spike nodded. He perked up as her voice dropped off, signaling the close of her monologue.

"--and based on those eyewitness reports and collaborating case studies on the survival of isolated species, I think some humans might still be out there. If I could find one, it would be the biggest discovery in the field of cryptozoology since the duck-billed platypus! Plus there's tons of practical applications. Do you know that half of the metamagic scrolls in the King Liticus section of the library need human blood as an ingredient or human claw-bones as a focus component? That's not even considering the healing spells and summoning circles." She sighed and looked off into the distance. "They sound utterly delicious, too. The most-probable historical accounts describe royalty being fed a mouthful of tenderized human on their death-bed so they could die happy. That's only part of the appeal, of course." Twilight whinnied wistfully.
A sinking feeling gripped Spike's heart.

"So, these two-legged deer, they're kind of a rarity, right? This incredibly precious, unobtainable thing?" Spike wiped sweat from his brow, but Twilight didn't notice the quaver in his voice. "As in, you wouldn't be able to find a whole bunch?"

"Well, I suppose if two-legged deer do exist, there has to be a breeding population somewhere, but they'd be pretty reclusive and extremely cautious. There's a reasonable chance that if you found one, it'd be the only specimen you'd see in your entire life."

"Oh." Spike said. A pair of giant scissors closed over his heart. He saw a vision of Rarity's curling mane, of the time he "saved" her from himself, of the sparkling precious little gem she'd given him to watch over Opal. Then he went back to the time he'd caught scale rot, when Twilight Sparkle stayed up all night reading the Tales of Smart Cookie out loud to him while he waited for the soothing balm to take effect. How could he choose between the mare of his dreams and his mo-, the pony who considered him her number-one assistant?

His tail sagged. He took a moment to take deep breaths and brush back his spines. "So, uh, where can I find these books on how to catch and track down a wild two-legged deer?"

"Oh, Rarity's got Onion Sage's Exotic Comestables for the Delight of Guests and Ideal Balancing of the Humors , I'm reading To Serve Man right now, and Lyra Heartstrings has taken out the rest." She frowned. "Come to think of it, Lyra's overdue on most of the non-fiction works on humans and Daring Doo's Blood of the Wendigos trilogy."

Spike saluted and tried to look dutiful. "I could go collect them and shake the overdue book fee out of her. I mean, if you like."

"Make yourself at home," Scootaloo said, waving around the clubhouse.

The creature from the Everfree forest squealed and bounced around. It didn't look very dangerous, despite all the metal pointy bits in its skin and clothing. "I'm in the clubhouse. I'm actually standing in the Cutie Mark Crusaders' clubhouse!" It bounded over on its two thick, awkward legs to stand under their lantern. "This is the coolest thing in my entire life!"

"Aw really? You've gotta be--wait, how do you know about the Cutie Mark Crusaders? It's supposed to be a secret clubhouse, and you've already got a cutie mark." She pointed to the winged skull on its lower back.

"Oh that's just a tattoo. It's a design we paint under our skin with needles. "

Scootaloo flinched and tried not to look scared. It hurt to even think about that. "What are 'we'? Monsters from the Everfree Forest that aren't as scary or dangerous as most of the monsters from the Everfree Forest?"

"I'm Reiko Yakamoto, or Reiko for short. I'm a human, from Earth. It's like, a whole other world. I don't live in the Everfree forest and I have no idea how I got here. The crowds were cheering for Lauren Faust on the stage, and one of her tears fell on me, and then I slipped out of my chair and kept falling. There was some kind of green light and I felt myself walking on a floor of tentacles towards a winged door, only it was more of a taste and sound than a feeling. You know what I mean?"

Scootaloo frowned. "What are you, a thesaurus? I think I understood everything up to the word 'human'. And you still haven't explained how you about our secret club."

"Oh Demeter's breakfast cereal, where do I begin? " Reiko said. "You know how there's lots of old legends, and nopony really believes in them?"

Reiko the human from earth started a longwinded explanation. She had to stop and explain things or backtrack a lot of times. Over on earth, there was a really popular series of stories, like the Daring Do books, only instead of reading them, you watched moving pictures on a mechanical box that was powered by non-magical magic called "electricity." Nobody thought they were real, well, nobody who wasn't crazy or really really into long-term role playing. Despite this, they happened to show exactly what happened to Rainbow Dash and her friends on a lot of different adventures.

The story-picture box had shown how Rainbow Dash became the element of loyalty, and how she got her cutie mark, and the time that Scootaloo and the other crusaders screwed up at the talent show. Reiko was one of the adult humans that liked the stories so much they got together to dress up as ponies, (she demonstrated by pulling off her fake horn and ears) trade pony toys, tell stories about ponies that weren't on the picture box, and meet the actors who put their voices into another non-magic box so that the sounds could match up with the picture-stories.

"--some people even think you're best pony." She said "best pony" like it was something really important. She hesitated. "Um, I hope this isn't a sensitive subject, but your house looked pretty big and fancy. Does that mean you have parents? We're all kind of curious about it."

"Well, everypony has parents, otherwise they wouldn't be here. Miss Cheerilee explained that last week, along with the difference between gender identity, physical sex, and sexuality."

Reiko pulled a notebook with Rainbow Dash's cutie mark out of her pocket and started scribbling in it. "So, no to the budding theory, and it looks like Equestria has way more progressive public schools than the United States of America."
Scootaloo understood about half of the words that came out of the human's mouth. She wondered if all the humans talked like Sweetie Belle and Twilight Sparkle.

"Is earth pony magic a real thing, or are they just good at growing food because nopony else bothers to do that? Do you know anything about who the king and queen of Equestria are if Celestia and Luna are only princesses? Do you worship Celestia and Luna as goddesses, or are they just really powerful mortals? And um, may I cuddle you?"

Scootaloo's jaw dropped. She tried to backtrack through the deluge in her head. Maybe humans were more like Pinkie Pie after all. They reminded her of some of the friends Pinkie talked to about that nobody else saw or heard of.

"Well…father says I'm not supposed to talk about farts in public. Yeah, earth ponies use a kind of magic to make plants grow faster. Granny Smith has the most powerful earth pony magic. Um, I don't think there's any king or queen in Equestria. Cheerilee mentioned that princess is the highest rank royalty can have, even though there's some official princesses and some honorary princesses and princes, like Blueblood. My mother is really active in the Church of Celestia, and sometimes I go to the prayer meetings and sacrificial pomegranate feasts of the Luna's Witnesses. There are some ponies that think they're just really powerful unicorns. Featherweight's a pretty cool guy, and he's agnostic, but the neigh-theists I know most about are Richard Trotkins and his cronies. He thinks that campfire stories and old mare's tales cause brain damage in children. After Nightmare Night, Princess Luna had Richard Trotkins tried in a court for war crimes against fun. And…I'm not really the cuddly type. I bet Ruby Pinch or Sweetie Belle would hug you though."

"Ruby Pinch IS her name! She's the daughter of Berry Punch, the town drunk, right?" The human was standing a little too close, and a made hungry look came into her eyes. "This is so incredible. Everyone's going to be so jealous!"

"Berry Punch drinks a lot of stuff, and Ruby's her name, so yeah."

Reiko looked around. She pulled a stuffed animal Rainbow Dash out of her backpack. It was the perfect likeness of her, right down to the pinkish-violet of the shiny eyes. The colors stood out bright as a rainbow. Reiko squeezed it. It said "so awesome!" in a tinny little voice.

Scootaloo reached a wing towards the idol of her idol. Reiko pulled it back and waved it over her. Scootaloo jumped after it, desperately working her wings for extra lift, but the human kept the prize just out of her reach. It was as if the monster had spent hours calculating how high she could jump.
Scootaloo growled.

"Just one hug," Reiko said. "I won't even ask to brush your hair."

Scootaloo looked around. "Don't tell anypony about this, okay? I don't want to ruin my reputation."

Reiko nodded, flapped her arms, and mimed sticking a cupcake in her eye. "Pinkie Promise."

Scootaloo stood up and raised her front legs wide. The human swooped down and picked her up, squeezing her into a soft fat embrace. Reiko swung her around and squealed like wheel in need of grease. It was embarassing, but comfy.

"This is the best day of my life!" the human gasped. Reiko set her down again and blushed. "So, um, do you think you could take me to meet Rarity? I'll make it worth your while. I've got more plushies, and I'm halfway-decent at drawing."

"Hold on," Scootaloo said. She galloped to the other end of the clubhouse, pulled out a screen between her and the human, and squeezed the action plush toy until the stitches strained. A faint "so awesome" betrayed her. She heard a muffled giggle from the other side of the room.

Maybe humans were more mush-wushy, like Fluttershy. Scootaloo tucked the velvet-soft likeness in with her other relics. She looked at her Rainbow Dash shrine. For all her efforts, the scale model didn't look realistic, and she'd only collected four molted feathers. She preened the human germs off her feathers and sidled out from behind the screen.

Right Lesson, Wrong Time

Spike gave a final push on the human's wide rump and they both tumbled into the upper attic of the magic kindergarten. They coughed in the cloud of thick, multicolored dust.

"How do you know nopony is going to come up here?" it whispered. The stinking blood had begun to leak through its bandages, but the sharp, metallic aroma of old spellbooks covered it up.

"Absolutely. Every school building has one musty old room where they pile up the old, moldy, out-of-date books because teachers and librarians hate throwing things away but nopony ever reads them," Spike said airily. It was also a place to store backup school supplies. He looked down the rows of compasses, barrels of protractors, lead ingots, reiki paddles, and target signs. Somewhere in there they had to have a nice big paper slicer, right? And exacto knives.

"How would OW you know that?" The human rubbed it's head and got down on its front and hind limbs.

"Well I am Twilight Sparkle's assistant," Spike said. "I've seen a lot of schools and libraries. Sometimes she teleports into them at night so she can sort and index the backlog."

The creature laughed. It had a disturbingly pony-like laugh. "Oh that is so Twilight."

Spike turned around. "You've met her before?" Twilight Sparkle told him she'd never even seen a human before. Why would she lie about that?

"Not exactly," it said. "It's too weird to explain. I've just, like, heard about lots of the things going on in Ponyville."

Spike imagined a whole swarm of humans, creeping around the Everfree Forest to interrogate rabbits, jackdaws, and rogue dragons. It wouldn't surprise him if Angel turned out to be a traitor, the sneaky little backstabbing…no, Angel wouldn't collaborate with freaky hoofless omnivores. He'd helped Spike out of a nasty scrape, and that thought was beneath him. All his anger and suspicion turned into a hard knot of guilt.

"Does your herd live anywhere near here?" he said, nervously. Maybe it could signal other humans for help. Maybe a swarm of them would come out with traps and flint tools and carve him into a pasty dragonloaf. Flint was one of the few materials sharp and hard enough to pierce his inner hide, and the legends talked about human pack leaders killing dragons to make armor out of their skin and trophies from their bones, along with stealing their hoards.

"Oh no. I've actually got no idea how to get back where we all live. See, we've got these things called televisions," the human began, in a low voice.

Spike took the same approach to its rambles as he did Twilight's. Snippets of sound broke through the haze like "Greek mythology", "system of morality" and "Granny Smith slash Pinkie Pie shipping".

"Any questions?" the human whispered, eagerly.

"No, I got it," Spike said. It was strange that a magicless, non-ungulate could talk to him, and even talk like Twilight Sparkle, but they were basically just animals. It wasn't like hurting a pet or a dragon. They didn't even come from eggs.
Spike finally found the spot where they held the really big paper cutters. Huge sheets had to be folded a dozen times and bound with sealing charms at each stage. He'd asked Twilight why they couldn't just use normal paper, but her explanation had words like "metathaumaturgical" and "phasic resonance" in it.

The tricky part wouldn't be slicing it in two, he realized. He'd have to trap it first so it couldn't wriggle out of the way, and then once he did cut it open he'd need a way to transport it across town without getting mobbed by hungry unicorns.
"Um, Spike?" the human said in a dry, breathless voice.

He turned around. Its eyes looked kind of red around the edges, and its body shook a lot. He didn't know why these details should stand out among the raw, ragged bandages, dark coating, and shiny metal, but they did.

"Thanks for listening. I mean I try not to talk about myself too much, and really I'm a lot better off than, like, kids in the Gaza Strip, but it gets to me." It sighed. "I'm still glad I came here."

Spike nodded like he knew what she was talking about. Humans were very strange creatures. He felt…weird. It was kind of like seeing the phoenix egg with those jerky dragons, only the difference between a big mean dragon and a nice unicorn that cared about you got all fuzzy.

A few days after he'd written that friendship report, they'd flown all the way to the Golden Oak Library just to apologize to him. They had looked really tired and red-eyed, but jittery, and they mumbled some mixed-up explanations about how bad they felt, and how sorry they were about that, and told him that he was really, deep down, an incredible guy that they had great respect for and the ultimate paragon of dragonhood. They made a very big point of apologizing for ever having said anything bad about his "namby pamby princess friend", and that there was no such thing as a namby pamby princess. They told him in very loud voices, while looking at the sky, that every single princess in all of Equestria deserved nothing but reverence and respect, and that they greatest sign of their divine wonderfulness was their ability to forgive and forget, or at least show mercy to very stupid adolescent dragons who don't know what they're talking about. He didn't really understand most of what they said, but he told them it was all cool and accepted their apologies. He'd also made jasmine tea and quartz cakes for them before they left. They'd just looked so…something he didn't have a word for.

"So, you said there was something up here I could use to hide myself? Is it like, a kind of anti-magic cloaking field? Maybe a spell that non-unicorns can cast?"

"Not exactly," Spike said. His feelings were all twisted up and confused. He thought back to all the friendship letters he had taken down for Twilight and her gal pals.

It's better to give than to receive.

He sighed and fiddled with his tail. "Just stay here until it gets dark, when the kids and the teacher go home. I'll get some food, and um, take you somewhere else when the coast is clear. Just whatever you do don't leave without me. Okay?"

"Sure thing," the human said, patting him on the back. " And uh…could you take down a letter to Celestia? For me?"
Spike's little heart skipped a few beats. This was getting more and more uncomfortable. Doing the right thing would be even harder if he wrote down a letter for this animal. He didn't know why.

"M-maybe later. I really should get going." He didn't have to do the right thing just now. He could get cookie sheets and wax paper from Sugarcube Corner, along with a few spices, and he could copy down that recipe from the book when Twilight finished re-reading it.

"I've got some cliff bars and dried fruit in my backpack," she said.

"No I should really get going."

"One more thing?" she said, looking at him knowingly. "I mean, like, if she turns out not to be a zombie, or gets back to normal…did you ever consider checking out somepony other than Rarity?"

"How did you know that?" he hissed.

"I told you, remember? Anyway, don't keep chasing after somepony when they fail to requite your affection." The human tapped its nose and gave him a big wink. "Take it from somebody who has experience."

Spike stared at her. Fire built up in his throat. Sure, obviously a freaky savage meat-monster from the Everfree Forest would know lots of stuff about how to woo the most sophisticated pony in the history of the planet.

He would have to use extra marinades, white pepper, and a low flame.

Party Plans and Physical Impossiblity

Sounds of an argument drifted up from the stairwell. Spike hefted up the flaxen parka and sighed. Twilight Sparkle was generally an open-minded pony, but when she got a bee in her academic bonnet she could be really stubborn and resistant to things that threw her assumptions out the window.

"Okay, an automatic fusion generator sun I could buy, and maybe some inborn season shift I could believe, but this is outrageous. How could a slight tilt cause the entire seasonal variation without throwing the planet into periodic chaos? There's got to be some kind of princess or sun-emperor or divine cooperative to keep that stuff running in such a bizarre groove. It goes against all sense!"

"Cool down, okay! I didn't make up the rules, and I'm not a scientist. I don't know about sun-gods, I'm just a non-denominational Christian."

Twilight Sparkle sighed as Spike patted her side and lay the coat on her.

"Alright, sorry. I just wish somebody a little more knowledgeable had come over from the other side. There's so much we could learn about you!" she whimpered. "This is like having nine seconds to memorize a timetable with your eyes crossed."

The human frowned and squirmed under his straps. "Are you saying I'm stupid?"

Twilight shook her head. "No, not at all. I just really wish there was a specialist here to give me a broader picture of your world. That amberic current sounds pretty interesting, and there's still a lot of gaps in my understanding of the self-regulating ecosystem." Her stomach growled noisily.

"Missed lunch?" the human said.

Twilight blushed. "Um, Spike? Could you get two fried egg and daisy sandwiches, two strawberry milkshakes , and two baskets of hay fries? Also you should get something for my guest here."

"I still don't see why you need to know all of this stuff to make a send-me-home spell," the human said, narrowing its beady suspicious predator's eyes.

"Well, the more I know, the better I have a chance of mapping out the cosmic resonance, and the less likelihood I have of accidentally transporting half of you to your native realm, or evenly distributing your biomass over a circle five miles in diameter. " Twilight said, tapping her hooves together and drooling with magic-nerd excitement.

"Let me tell you about growing up in southern Jersey," the human said.

Pinkie Pie darted between the lengthening shadows.

It was chilly out for this time of year. The air was more humid than usual. Also there were lots of unicorns traveling in small groups and whispering excitedly, but Pinkie Pie didn't think this strange.

Okay, so maybe that experiment with Gilda didn't work out, but that was different. Gilda was the meanest griffin she'd ever met. She'd met a couple Swiftheart and Kelly at Rainbow Falls, and they had completely confirmed her supposition.

Pinkie Pie sighed as Lemon Hearts scurried past her with a look of mingled hunger and fear.
“Meanest...griffin..ever!”

Pinkie gripped a hoof-tack with her tail and pinned the InterPlanar Block Party notice to the bulletin board outside Mayor's Hall. Above her, somepony was shouting.

“For the last time, I don't care what half-roostered rumors you've heard, Ponyville does NOT need a professional human-hunting security force, NOR would we budget a sizeable grant to subcontract your services if it did. You've got a lot of nerve showing your faces here again.”

Pinkie Pie made sure the hoof tack was properly centered as Flim and Flam went sailing past her with horseshoe marks imprinted on the seats of their brown baggy Humanbuster uniforms and their patented protonic containment field.
Pinkie had learned her lesson ever since Gummy's latest birthday party and after-party, and not just the one about giving your friends the benefit of the doubt. Even with a bottle of water and throat-drops, singing telegrams were too much to deliver to all her friends, much less a good 11% of the town's population.

She sidled towards Carousel Boutique, dimly aware of some children playing behind her.

“Rawr, I'm the evil unicorn prince come to gobble you up!” Button Mash roared, sticking the ice cream cone on his head.

“I thought I wath the evil human thaman,” said Twist, with a disappointed whine.

“But then who's the baby dragon?” Button asked.

Whispering pegasi flew overhead. Pinkie Pie waved to the flower sisters, but instead of tossing her a sample they continued fortifying their stand with arrow slits and working on a small rose-strung trebuchet.

Pinkie Pie decided that, nice as they were, she shouldn't invite them to the block party.

Once she'd snuck safely into the shadow of the boutique, Pinkie Pie slipped the gold-foil-edged invitation. She range the bell and pinkie-hopped away. As she left, she heard Rarity mumbling about “mint jelly” and “attraction spells”.

Author's Note

Twilight is incredulous, and pinkie begins the hatching of a plan.
Sorry about the long gap between posts everypony. I've been going through some stuff. Rest assured I will follow this story through to the finish.

Stranger at the Door and Chilling at the Party

Fluttershy ruffled through the hay and blankets. She didn't find Jamal the human this time either.

“Where could he be?” she squealed.

Her eyes kept straying to the different windows, but why would he want to leave? He was weak, right? He needed to recover.

Angel bunny hopped over. Did he look a little guiltier than usual?

“Angel?” Fluttershy asked.

Angel blinked at her.

“Angel, did you scare him off?” She locked eyes with him and held his gaze.

Angel shook his head.

“Oh, alright then.” Fluttershy resumed her search, checking under her bed and in her time-out cage for cranky ocelots. Her house was warm, cozy, and inviting, but it seemed so big and messy every time she looked for something she'd lost.

Angel started to creep away. Fluttershy gently blocked his path with a wing.

“Angel, did you see him leave?”

Angel looked around, as if she might be addressing Chaz the Gila Monster or Myrtle the fruit bat.

“Angel,” she repeated.

The impish rabbit nodded.

Fluttershy's wings and tail drooped. Her legs buckled. She curled up on the floor and tried not to cry.

“Why did he leave me?” she asked Angel. They'd been getting along so well! She'd taken care of his injuries and given him a fresh bed of straw and a nice warm blanket. She'd been so excited to meet a human, and now her newest animal friend had flown the coop.

Somebody knocked at the door. Fluttershy's wings and tail shot up. She cautiously raised her head.

The knock came again. Maybe her critter friend had just stepped out for some fresh air, and now he'd come back. She trotted up to the door.

“Come in?”

The door swung open. Fluttershy's excitement vanished and a dull ache filled its place.

There was a blue pegasus with multicolored mane and tail, scratching her hooves on Fluttershy's doormat.
“H-hey Flutters,” the rainbow-haired pony said. “I just wanted to apologize for what I did. I mean, I didn't want to put you through that. I didn't know you were anywhere near. It's just...”

Fluttershy's eyes glazed over. She didn't hear the stream of rationalizations and excuses coming out of the stranger's mouth. Her mind was eleven years into the past, in the playgrounds of Cloudsdale.

She was wrapping her hooves and wings around the floating hoop, hanging on like a baby bat or a spider. Sky Duster had smashed a spider into her mane. She wanted to get it out, but she didn't want to see the guts and legs scattered all over the place. She wanted to keep it as much in one piece as she could.

“Oh Flutters, I'm sorry,” Rainbow Dash said. She ran up with a box of tissues. She took one of the tissues and carefully pulled the remnants of a living creature from her hair, bundling them up. Fluttershy saw one of the severed legs still twitching. She wanted to cry. Crying helped her feel better. Her eyes stung with salt, but the tears wouldn't come.

“I'm sorry I wasn't here Flutters,” Dash said. “I promise I'll protect you next time.”

Fluttershy had let go of the hoop and gently flapped her wings, going down to the cloud level with Rainbow Dash. She took the tissue gently in her hoof and grabbed another one with her wing.

“I'd never do something like that to you,” Rainbow said, nuzzling her and gently preening her feathers.

“So, do you think you can forgive me?” the pegasus with a cloud-and-rainbow-lightning cutie mark said.
Fluttershy slammed the door in her face.

Angel hopped over and licked away her tears. She ignored the knocking and turned the key in the lock.

A high, lonely voice whistled in Pinkie Pie's ear, hollow as a marrowless bone, dry as the north wind on a cloudless night.

“We hunger...”

The long, pitiless face loomed down above her. Pinkie Pie screamed and hid under a buffet table.

She enjoyed a pleasing terror and shivered pleasantly, although it was still cool as a cucumber out tonight, which was strange because sometimes cucumbers could be lukewarm, like in a buttered-up cucumber sandwich, the kind that Rarity insisted on at all of her fancy parties, because apparently hay fries and oat mix and apple chips weren't fancy enough unless they were “artisinal”, at least according to Trenderhoof, who hadn't come around since that big fiasco, which was funny because you didn't ever hear about small fiascos any more than you heard about somepony being gruntled.

A finger poked her in the shoulder and she banged her head against the table.

Reiko jerked her hand back and covered her eyes. “Sorry! I'm so sorry. Sorry. Sorry!”

“It's okay,” Pinkie said, stroking the human's mane and using the soothing noises that a human would use to calm down a startled horse, because she figured that if it worked for human-raised horses then it might as well make sense the other way around.

“Why are you hiding here?” Reiko whispered, once she stopped trembling and unclenched her body.

“Because you spooked me with your windigo costume,” Pinkie Pie whispered back. It was even more fun than getting scared by Princess Luna on Nightmare Night, although afterwards Twilight Sparkle had convinced her to apologize because she'd really hurt Luna's feelings, and Pinkie Pie didn't want to hurt anypony's feelings, well, except maybe some of the really mean ones like Discord before he reformed and King Sombra.

“I wasn't wearing any windigo costume,” Reiko whispered.

Pinkie Pie froze. She turned to look Reiko in the eye. The pleasing terror turned into a chilly-crawly-creepy feeling climbing up her spine and turning over in her stomach like bad eggs and spoiled pickles.

Reiko winked at her. “Just kidding. I dashed under the table when you had your eyes closed.”

Pinkie Pie laughed. “Well that's a big relief. You really got me there!”

Reiko laughed too. “May I give you a hug?”

“Of course silly filly!” Pinkie Pie said. She wrapped her front legs around Reiko and squeezed tight. The human girl squeezed her back even tighter and rubbed her face in Pinkie's mane.

“It smells like bubble-gum flavored ice cream and cotton candy”, she murmured.

“Really? I never knew that,” Pinkie Pie said. She'd always assumed that her mane would smell like cotton-candy flavored ice cream and bubble gum. Rarity had tried to style her mane a lot of times, but it always sprang back into place unless she lost her Pinkie Pie spirit. Twilight Sparkle said that hair was dead tissue, so did that mean that her mane was a zombie? It was too bad Rainbow Dash wasn't coming to this Visitors from Another World party.

Pinkie Pie gasped and banged her head on the underside of the buffet table for the second time that night. The punchbowl clinked, but it didn't actually tip over or spill. That was good. Reiko being exposed was bad.

Pinkie Pie reached out into the surroundings with her Pinkie Sense, sniffed the air, poked her periscope around, and then hustled her into the mint-scented windigo costume. “Oh no Reiko, what did you think you were doing? I told you not to come out of your costume until I shout out 'unmask, unmask', okay? You're a super-duper special human and I'd really hate to see you get gobbled up in a few bites like Mmmmm just because you got out of your costume to early? I mean, I know there's a lot of things a Pinkie Party can solve but you need to give me more time and I have to make sure everything's ready and if things REALLY go wrong then you still have the emergency Pinkie Pie Escape Plunge button to press, but I still really don't want it to come to that because it would mean a great chance to make lots of new friends would be blown away so please just follow the plan and stay safe, okey-dokey Loki?”

Reiko slumped on her stilts and nodded gently, the windigo mask making a faint chiming sound. “Okey-dokey Loki.”

Pinkie Pie curled up her tail and sproinged up to kiss Reiko on the mask's cheek. “That's a good little human. Now, Auntie Pinkie will be running around and hopping around and pole-vaulting around to make sure everypony has fun and nopony starts nibbling the guests of honor.”

As she bounced off towards the open bar, Pinkie Pie almost thought she saw the mask blushing. It must have been a trick of the light, or maybe at this time of night it was a trick of the dark...