Alright, Dash, here's your story back. It needs a bit of work, to say the least. I've tried to point out all the major issues. I didn't even bother to mark all the spelling and grammar errors (I used up a whole inkwell just on the other comments), so you'll definitely want to get somebody else to go through and look for those. And if you do, you might want to warn them about the content before giving it to them. The whole locker room thing caught me off guard.

Once there was an awesome pegasus pony. Her name was Aurora Blast and she was blue like the sky but not quite that light and her mane was very colorful. She was a mare who was the fasted pony ever and she was really awesome because she was so fast. She was so fast adn awesome that the Wonderbolts herd about her!

Okay, Rainbow Dash, you might want to make at least something of an attempt to pretend that this character isn't you. As is, Aurora is a pretty transparent self-insert. You don't describe her personality in any way other than saying she's awesome. If you want the readers to care about her, you have to actually give her a personality. Not to mention that you can't just say "she's awesome", you have to show her being awesome. Also, you misspelled "fastest", "and", and "heard".

They sent her a letter that said "Dear Aurora Blast. Come to the Wonderbolts Academy so you can show us how awesome you are and maybe you can join the Wonderbolts". So she did. She went to the Wonderbolts Academy and Spitfire was there.

I don't even follow the Wonderbolts and I know that the selection process doesn't work that way. You have to apply for it. Like with Aurora, Spitfire's personality is nonexistent as well.

Spitfire gave Aurora the Wonderbolt Trainee Uniform and told her to get in the Dizzitron. "Put it at Maximum Speed!" said Aurora. "Okay" said Spitfire. The Dizzitron started up and went like, ridiculously fast. "RELEASE" said Spitfire, loudly. The Dizzitron released Aurora and she wasn't even dizzy. She immediately leveled off and landed. "Four seconds? That's an Academy Record." Spitfire said.

Okay, it's good that you're actually showing Aurora doing something impressive, as it backs up your prior claim that she was awesome. However, this entire scene has almost no detail. There's no conflict here; we have no idea what Aurora's motivation is other than continuing to be awesome. It's kinda boring. Also, when a new speaker starts talking, you should make it a new paragraph.

All week Aurora was at the academy and she got the fastest time at everything except the things that weren't timed, like cloud busting. She set a lot of academy records. At the end of the week, Spitfire gathered all of the Wonderbolts together to watch Aurora do her Signature Trick the Cosmic Explosion.

Really? There's like no subtlety here at all. This is obviously you. You aren't even trying to mask it. I get that living your fantasies vicariously through literature can make for a good story, but this isn't. There isn't a story, it's just your self-insert doing awesome things.

Spitfire and Fleetfoot were there, and also Soarin. Soarin was very handsome and Aurora really really liked his mane. Soarin is very sexy. Aurora thought.

Rainbow Dash, this had better not be going where I think it's going.

After showing of her sweat moves that the Wonderbolts loved, Aurora went back to the locker room to shower. She was thinking about Soarin and how sexy he was. As she showered she noticed that the water was hitting her hoo-haa and it felt really good.

This is that kind of story, isn't it? You know, you could have warned me before springing it on me. Also, "hoo-haa"? Really? If you're going to use vernacular, there are far more appropriate terms to use. In fact, in the library's "adult" section there's the History of Sexuality in Language which has quite the interesting glossary of terms. Also it's "showing off her sweet moves" not "showing of her sweat moves".

She thought about Soarin some more and started rubbing it. She imagined that he was the one touching her special place and it made her feel even better. She started rubbing harder and thought about what his dong would be like.

Okay, I know for a fact that you masturbate on a fairly regular basis (don't think I don't hear you going at it in the train bathroom when we go on overnight trips), but this mental image is just awkward. It doesn't help that Aurora is obviously YOU.

It's probably really big. she thought. It would feel really good if he stuck it in me. She rubbed herself some more and said his name as she was thinking of him. "Soarin!" she said as she touched herself.

Okay, now I know this is a self-insert story.

"Hello. he said. She looked up and he was standing right there! "Oh." she said. "Were you touching yourself and saying my name?" he said. "Um. Maybe." she answered. "Well, that is awkward." he said. "Yes it is." she said. "Does this mean that you want to have sex with me?" he said.

You really need to start indenting the paragraphs after new speakers. This is incredibly difficult to read. Also you might want to at least attempt to make Soarin' something other than a cardboard cutout for your self-insert to have sex with.

She didn't want to answer, but she did anyway.

Okay, this is actually good. It shows Aurora actually showing a bit of character in that she's embarrassed about being caught. It's not much, but it's a step in the right direction.

"I guess so. You are pretty good looking." "You are too. We should have sex and then eat some pie." "Okay!" she said happily.

Wow, that went well. But seriously, there's absolutely zero tension here. At least make it a bit ambiguous whether his reaction is positive or negative. This is just too sudden. There's no indication that they've even interacted before this. It's a bit of a jump from having never talked to "hey, let's have sex". I do like the pie thing though, it gives Soarin' a bit of actual character.

She turned around and lifted her tail up so he could see her cooter. "You have a very nice hole." he said.

I...I'm not even sure what to say about this. "You have a very nice hole"? Really?

Then he said "If we're going to have sex, we should go back to my Place because if we have sex here Spitfire might see us and then we would get in trouble." "Okay, let's go back to your Place." Aurora said.

Okay, yeah, this whole thing moves way too fast. I'd advise at the very least adding a scene where Aurora and Soarin have a real conversation before they go off to bang. It would give both of them some much needed characterization as well as keep things from proceeding so quickly. So far the story feels impossibly rushed. Also, I'm not sure why you insist on capitalizing Place. You don't need to do that.

They went back to Soarins Place. It was really nice and smelled good. "Do you want to have sex or eat pie first?" Soarin said.

Okay, it's good that you have that joke here. You need a bit more description than "it was really nice and smelled good" though. Maybe describe the smell. Probably smells like pie, right?

"I think we should have sex." Aurora said. They went into Soarins bedroom and got on the bed.

They get right to the point, don't they? Well, I guess this kinda the point of this story so far, so I guess there's no point beating around the bush.

Aurora layed on the bed and spread her legs so Soarin could see her slit. "Nice view." Soarin said. They laughed.

Okay, that's kind of a lame joke, but it does sound like something he would say.

Because Aurora was really hot, Soarin got a boner. It was enormous! It was as big as one of his legs. I was right. It's really big! Aurora thought. She wanted him to have sex with her with it because it was so big, so she knew it would feel really good.

I'd have to look up an anatomy book to verify it, but I'm reasonably sure that a penis that size is an anatomical impossibility. In addition, the idea that a large penis equates to better sex is a myth. In fact, an overlarge member can actually cause pain. The thing that really determines how pleasurable intercourse is is how well the stallion uses it. Not that I know from personal experience or anything.

"Are you ready?" Soarin said. "Yes." Aurora said. "Okay, I'm putting it in." He started to put his dong into her special place. As soon as the tip went in, she came. "AAHHH! I just came!" She said.

Okay, it might have happen at some point in history, but a mare having an orgasm immediately upon penetration is highly unlikely unless they have some sort of hypersensitivity disorder.

"That was fast. Maybe you can come again." He kept putting his dong into her crotch, and even though she had just came it felt really good. He started humping, and that felt even better. I'm having sex with Soarin! This is great! she thought. Then Soarin said "I'm about to cum!" "Me too!" Aurora said. They both came at the same time. "I'm coming!" They both said.

Simultaneous orgasms are actually quite rare. It's not at all uncommon for one of the copulaters to experience an orgasm before the other. Granted, this is obviously an idealized account, so we can just go with it.

Soarin took his dong out. He had cum a whole lot. There was so much it couldn't all fit in Aurora's Area, and it came out of her and made a big puddle on the floor.

Actually, when a stallion ejaculates, there's nowhere near enough semen to make a puddle. I'm not sure of the precise amount, but I don't think it approaches the amount that you have in mind.

"That felt really good." he said. "Yeah, it did." said Aurora. "Let's do it again." said Soarin. "Okay, you can put your dong in my butt this time." Aurora said.

You realize that stallions can't ejaculate on command, right? They need a cooldown period after ejaculating.

"Okay. But I should probably put some lube on it first."

This is good attention to detail. Engaging in anal sex without proper lubrication can be painful. Again, I don't know from personal experience. I just read a lot.

He went into the other room, and then came back. "I don't think I have any lube," he said. "That's okay. We can use this bottle of honey." Aurora said. She put it on his dong and he put it into her butt.

No. No no no. No no no no nononononono. You do not use HONEY for lube. Honey is not smooth or slippery! It's sticky. If anything it exacerbates the problem. Not to mention that putting in on your genitals could result in having a really nasty infection. If you don't have lube, either go back to vaginal sex, or go down to the store and buy some.

That felt really good too, because his dong was really big. "I'm coming!" Aurora said as she came. "I'm coming too!" Soarin' said. He came too, and there was a lot of it. "How about one more time?" Aurora said. "Okay." said Soarin.

I know Soarin has impressive stamina, but three times in a row is just ridiculous.

He put his dong back in her slit again and they had sex another time and it was awesome.

And then Aurora had to go to the hospital because she's doubly infected by the honey and the POOP on Soarin's penis. You do realize that the primary purpose of the anus is to take a dump, right? I don't care how well you clean, if you have anal sex, you're going to have crap on your dick. The LAST thing you want to do is take that poo-encrusted dick and put it back in the vagina. At least have him wipe it off first or something.

"Make sure you don't tell Spitfire about this." Soarin said when they were done. "Don't worry I won't" said Aurora. Soarin laughed and said "Good. Now how about that pie?"

That's a nice joke, I guess. Now would be the time to note that this story completely ignores the implications of what this could mean for Aurora. If she makes it into the Wonderbolts and someone finds out that she had sex with Soarin, it could lead them to question whether she earned or way in, or bribed her way in with sex.

For the most part, this story needs some real work. The "plot", if it can be called that, is obviously just a set up for the sex, but even that is covered so quickly that it's utterly unsatisfying. If you're going to write a story about sex, there needs to be more description of the act than "they did it". You need to say how it felt, and why it was so enjoyable for them. There needs to be more buildup. Some foreplay, maybe a bit of oral beforehand or something to get things started. Then you can work your way up to the actual sex and make it a lot more rewarding. That's what I want to see. I mean, well, okay, not what I want to see, but what your readers would want. They need to really be invested in what's happening so they can appreciate the sexual elements of the work. There needs to be a reason that the characters are having sex beyond "this is porn, so here we go". Even if you do that, you still need to describe the sensations a bit more.

Your best bet at learning how to do that is to maybe look up some similar erotica and use it as a basis for your own stories. The library actually has quite a selection of such literature. I could even pick out some of my... uh... some books that would assist you.

Finally, INDENT WHEN YOU SWITCH TO A NEW SPEAKER and occasionally use a dialogue tag other than "said". It's kind of unreadable in its current form. Hopefully these comments will be helpful. In the meantime, I have to go read something more respectable so I can get the image of Soarin fucking you with a freakishly large penis out of my head. One would think it would be arousing, but it's honestly just kind of weird. Seriously I need to go visit Fluttershy and drown myself in kittens or something. Eaugh.

Author's Note

Holy crap, writing badly is almost more difficult than writing something decent. Hopefully the intentionally awful formatting doesn't detract from the experience too much. RD apparently doesn't believe in indents. I have no idea if Twilight's advice is accurate as it pertains to horses, but no way am I going to go looking up information about pony orgasms. No fucking way. The ponies can already talk and live in houses and whatever, so saying that their fucking is sorta human like isn't a stretch.

Also, I feel sorry for Twilight having to read this crap.

Anyway, I plan to do more of these with Twilight reading other characters' writing attempts. I'll let the comments decide which of the mane cast comes next.