Alright, Rarity, here you go. The main thing you should note at this point is that you have a lot of clunky, overly long sentences, and your vocabulary is needlessly obtuse. The characterization and images are good, but rather overwrought. I didn't get through the whole thing. I think we need to talk a bit before I go into any more detail. Drop by the library sometime.

The lustrous lunar orb spilled its resplendent beams upon the balustrade in the manner of a generous decanter pouring a torrent of most decadent silver ambrosia into an aureate chalice worthy of being borne by that most illustrious monarch, Princess Platinum, who at the present occasion stood in all her resplendence, with most stately bearing befitting a pony of her station, upon the very mezzanine which the Great Lamp of the Night illuminated with its brilliant and most austere glow, bathing the stately mare in its frosty phosphorescence and inducing glisters and glimmers in each of the many well-polished ornaments of her namesake material which adorned and only served to enhance her already beauteous form.

Um, wow. Okay. First of all, this whole chunk is just one absurdly long sentence, which really needs to be broken down into shorter ones. Or better yet, you could just pare this one down to something imaginable, because there's an enormous amount of unnecessary detail here. You use a full paragraph to essentially say that Princess Platinum is standing on the balcony in the moonlight. I'm all for scene-setting and describing what a character looks like, but you've crammed so much of that into this sentence that it's nearly impossible to follow. The phrases don't really fit together well, and you keep changing the subject of the sentence. The other problem is word choice. A varied vocabulary is certainly an asset to any author, but here it sounds like you've just pulled out a thesaurus and plugged in random words without understanding what they really mean. There's no point in using a phrase like "lustrous lunar orb" when "Moon" works perfectly fine. You need to eliminate redundancies and not use needlessly obscure words when simpler ones work. Using one occasionally is fine, but overusing them only makes it hard on the reader.

Also, the endless descriptions of how beautiful Princess Platinum is are a bit much. Given you played her in the Hearth's Warming Eve play, it comes across as a bit narcissistic. Maybe that's not the case, but still you might want to cut all the description of what she looks like. It's a bit much. Let's skip ahead to when something actually happens.

A passing zephyr daintily brushed the tip of her nose like the touch of a flower petal against the nostrils of one stopping at the roadside to partake in the delectable scent of a delicate blossom that had sprouted from between the crags, bearing rather than the grassy odor of a rose or daisy, a scrumptious fragrance no doubt brought from the scullery on the far side of the castle, beyond the battlements and keep, savory herbs amalgated in the wind with the sweetest of sugars. Even as the immaculate though desultory medley of flavours through happenstance discovered a path to her nostrils, the piquant bouquet failed to penetrate her innermost meditation. It bounced like a foal's slingshot pellet against the armor of her cognizance, clattering uselessly to the ground, for items of far greater import fought against and defeated those thoughts that were immaterial.

I'm not sure why you went to so much trouble to describe the scent only to then emphasize how unimportant it is. There isn't much reason for this entire section to exist, as it doesn't affect anything that comes after it. Also, you should reign back the metaphors a bit. They can add flavor to a story, but many of the ones you use here feel forced.

Thusly were her thoughts focused like like through a lens upon that singular thought which was of greatest meaning to her, that one shining idea whose brightness split the shadows like a torch held aloft in the winter night, when the sky's brightness is cloaked by thunderheads... It burned with the heat of a thousand fires, threatening to engulf all else within its tongues of flame, which devoured all they touch, the conflagration taking as fuel all the inconsequentialities that pullulated in the creases of her brain, vying for her expansive, though limited attention.... But so important was her singular devotion and desire that naught else merited even the least sliver of a degree of attention.

Okay, you go for way too long here. Nothing actually happens here. You just talk about how important this one thought is, but you never say what it is. Not sure why you're spending so long on it. I'm just going to skip ahead a bit, to when things actually start happening.

Suddenly, without any warning, the cadance of a hoofstep echoed from the aperture into the interior room in which she dwelled, shattering the lonely silence like a brick cast through a ornate stained glass window, albeit a window displaying the ignominous image of isolation, of a monarch behind walls like mountains with no pass with which any pony, whether peers, superiors, or inferiors could pass. The noise, while itself small, soft, and sharp, reverberated from wall to wall, erupting in a crescendo, a roar that shatters the walls of loneliness that circumstance had built around her, every stone crashing to the ground like meteors, cratering the cold earth.

First of all, you're piling on the metaphors rather thick again. For instance, in the first sentence in this paragraph, you're doubling up; you have both the image of the stained glass window, and within that the image of mountainous walls. Don't get me wrong, the images are very evocative (the "walls like mountains with no pass" is really quite nice), but you're going a bit overboard. Particular when you extend one of the metaphors (the walls) into the next sentence, but not the other. And then you introduce the simile of meteors in that sentence. It's all a bit much, and it isn't helped by the overly ornate dialogue. Although you do have some nice phrases in here. The alliteration of "small, soft and sharp," is quite a good description, but again is thrown in with so many other literary devices that it nearly gets lost. Also, "Cadance" is only spelled that way when you're referring to the Princess. Otherwise it should be spelled "cadence", with an e.

The sovereign oscillated, longing to confirm the assumption that had catapulted into her perception, each bauble affixed to her regalia shifting as she turned, tinkling merrily like a thousand bells, their happy song disclosing the joy that welled up within her at the mere feasibility that her beloved approached.

"Oscillated" makes Princess Platinum sound like a fan. Also, you could probably lose the second phrase of the sentence, it doesn't doesn't add much. The rest of it is pretty good, aside from the overly obscure vocabulary.

Her ocular spheres alighted on the approaching habitue and she with great abundant felicity determined that her visitant was, indeed, the pony whose company she had so solely sought to fight back the encroaching perception of utter desolation that had pressed its cold shoe upon her throat to choke her. Her tongue carved the blissful sounds from the air and threw them from her mouth to the anticipating ears of the lavender unicorn who prostrated herself before the jubilant monarch.

"O most beautiful Princess Platinum!" the bowed unicorn gasped. "I have made my return."

"Rise, Clover the Clever!" the regal princess intoned, "Your coming has brought unto me more happiness than any other news, no matter how favorable it may be!" She extended a bedazzled hoof, sweeping back the crude burlap capuche that hid the face of her most steadfast attendant. "If only I could enjoy your company from the time that you and your compatriots tow the sun into the sky til the time you cast it back down, and even then into the darkness I'd have you accompany me."

Huh, that's an interesting turn. I would have thought that you'd have gone for a handsome prince or perhaps have her fall for a particularly dashing gardener or something. Still, you're avoiding cliche here, so that's a point in your favor. On the other hand, "Ocular spheres". Really? Was "eyes" too lowbrow or something? And again, you're really going overboard with the imagery. Evocative images are great, but you don't want to go too far. Also, don't put so much effort into avoiding names in the narrative. You don't need to refer to them as "the regal princess" or "the lavender unicorn" all the time.

The purple-maned attendant with great reluctance rose, though she knew her liege spoke with full sincerity, and that every locution her mouth fashioned bore the full weight of her desire for veracity. "Dearest Princess," she declared, "My thought was only to answer the summons with which you had served me, for that is the role I am set to play in this performance called Life. I am ever your drudge, obsequious and docile, seeking only to perform the duties that befit my station."

I feel compelled to point out that your extremely submissive characterization of Clover the Clever is entirely unsupported by any historical record. In fact, all the historical accounts of Clover the Clever seem to imply that while she was certainly loyal to Princess Platinum, she was not afraid to be critical or downright sarcastic in their interactions. In fact, the epithet "the Clever" is believed to have originated not as a result of Clover's intelligence (though she was, in fact, very intelligent), but due to her many smart-alec remarks directed at the Princess. But I suppose this is historical fiction, so I suppose I'll just have to live with the inaccuracies.

"While servile and submissive you may be," the ivory-coloured unicorn proclaimed, "you possess a magnitude of value to me of which you are fully unaware. As a matter of fact, the hour is at hoof in which I must divulge a secret that I have hidden deep within me, so close to my heart that every beat trembles it. Too many days I have enshrined the actuality of my own feelings beneath the veneer of my royal countenance and now the time is nigh when I must unearth that fervor."

"What is it that you are saying, my princess!?" the royal aide interrogated, with hesitation. "What obscure truth could you have withheld from me in all the years of our collusion, attending to the affairs of our country?"

"It is fully true that you are my aide and my abettor, my accomplice and my adjutant. No words my mouth could form hold any hope of expressing the necessity of the service you have rendered to me. But you are not only a helper and a coadjutor; saying only that and no more is an audacious and abominable lie, for it does no justice to the full esteem in which I hold you. You are not merely my companion-" The regal princess' alabaster cheeks blossomed crimson as the words tumbled from her lips, glowing so bright that they nearly seemed to illuminate the exquisite contours of the violent unicorn's features. "You are truly a portion of my heart, cut out from me before our births, when we were still naught but aether flowing through the void of time-not-yet-come, and gifted to you so that I might reclaim it, and your whole heart with the allotment of mine own. There is warmth in your touch which banishes the most frigid drafts of winter's gales, a heat which melts a full mountain range of ice that this lonely lofty life has thrust up around me. Though I dare not speak aloud for fear of usurpers would cast me from the mountaintops so that I might plummet to the deepest depths of the valleys touching no ground but the stone-hard frozen outcroppings that might beat the life from me, I could nary keep this truth to myself only any longer, that I would share not only my heart with you, but my all. I would allocate to you my wealth, every last bit poured into your coffers if it would win you, my name, if only my kin would not strive to reclaim it I would cast it aside for yours, and my body and my bed, that our hearts might beat as one, and our blood mingle in a singular personhood that could never be torn asunder though every pony, griffon, dragon, and donkey seek its destruction!"

The sentiment here is actually rather touching, although much of the emotion is lost in the unnecessarily complicated sentence structure and word choice. It doesn't help that many of the metaphors here (you are a piece of my heart, I would give you anything, etc.) are all rather common in romantic literature to the point of being a bit cliche. The overwrought imagery actually may work in your favor in that regard, as it spices up the story a bit. Still, there's a lot of filler here. There are quite a few redundancies. For example, the first sentence of the final paragraph here has some nice alliteration, but listing four separate synonyms for "servant" is overdoing it.

That said, I like the way the plot is going. The whole "forbidden love" angle is rather common, but that's because there's a lot that can be done with that type of situation. The historical background actually lends itself quite well to the premise. Not only were romantic relationships between royalty and commoners looked down upon due to the discrepancy in upbringing, but a relationship between two mares would have been problematic. Princess Platinum would have been expected to produce an heir to carry on the family line. At that point in history, none of the spells allowing for two mares to have foals had been created, so if she had gotten into an exclusive relationship with another mare, it would have meant the end of the family line. Needless to say, the royal house of the unicorns would not have been happy about that. Granted, so long as she still had a stallion on the side to produce a foal, her family might have been willing to live with it (assuming that he was sufficiently noble), although even if Clover the Clever was a stallion, she was still not highborn enough in the nobility for the royal family to approve. So ultimately, it's quite accurate that such a relationship would have to be kept under wraps.

Of course, there's also the fact that historically, Princess Platinum wasn't exactly known for being... choosy about her numerous (male) suitors. Even today there's quite a debate among historians about who truly fathered her child; there are about a dozen historical figures who were confirmed to have...uh... been given access to her "royal chambers", and there are probably a lot more than that who didn't make it into the records. Of course, it doesn't preclude that she might have been bisexual, but the degree of emotional investment she seems to display in your story implies that she wouldn't really be into an open relationship. Not that it ultimately matters, as historically Clover spent quite a bit of time dealing with Princess Platinum's numerous daliances, which does lend an interesting dynamic to a possible relationship between them, albeit one quite different from the one you've imagined here. I suppose this can just be chalked up to artistic license.

"Truly, I am at a complete loss for words as to how to respond to this confession," the lavender unicorn rejoined. "No riposte comes to mind and neither does any conceivable verbiage to adequately convey the frenzied ardor that swirls within me! I cannot-"

Okay, this entire section of Clover repeatedly saying that she does't know how to respond is way too long. Five paragraphs is really pushing it. Let's just cut to the part where it turns out that she actually does know how she feels.

"What galls me most intensely is anything but the presence of this passion which you hold, but rather that such feelings should ever in an eternity be directed at one so wholly unworthy as myself, who is simply a servant of a most illustrious master!" quoth Clover with vigor. "It is completely unfathomable that your considerable affections would, like a leaf riding the wind of a gale, through pure happenstance fluttering and flittering on the air, come to rest upon my head?"

Putting aside the fact that historically, Clover was commonly known to believe that she was better equipped to lead the unicorns than Princess Platinum was, you're using way too many words to get your point across. Clover basically says "I'm not worthy of your attention", and you use a couple of paragraphs of dialogue (bordering on soliloquy) to say that. There are occasions in which it might be in-character to talk for that long, here it just comes across as them talking just to hear themselves talk. Let's skip ahead a bit to when Platinum actually responds.

"Clover, Clover, Clover!" wailed the princess. "How cruelly twisted it is that your epithet is established by your intellect, as boundless as the stars, and your knowledge, as expansive as the seas, and yet be beset by such ignorance of those various qualities that ought to make you the most besought mare in all the land! I must so sullenly confess that upon our first engagement, I too was oblivious to your oh so obvious charms that ought to have enchanted me from upon the start. It was your coat that first piqued my interests in you; that most lovely lavender, the hue of the most lovely flowers of the fields, and your mane, that most lovely royal shade of purple, with such a pulchritudinous luster, its beauty only highlighted by that elegant roseate stripe!" She shivered. "Though while I could not often abide your harsh critiques, I could not bear to deny the beauty that was so plain to me!I so very nearly, and so very foolishly assumed that I had plumbed the full depth of your winsomeness."

That last line could be taken as quite the euphemism. Just saying. Also, it seems that you are basing Clover's physical appearance on my portrayal of her in the Hearth's Warming Eve play. This is understandable, and while there are no paintings of her from the time period in which she was still alive, there are other accounts that suggest she was actually quite a bit paler than I am. But again, artistic license.

"But then I had the fortune to spy you devoid of those rude rags that you commonly drape yourself in, these beggarly burlap attire that ought to be the finest and most resplendent silks and satins! Although even in the case that the finest tailor in the kingdom would send a knight across the world to collect fleece from the famed golden llamas of Guanacolpoco and fashioned a most elaborate ensemble in which to clothe you, it would only be a detraction, as it would hide your most exquisite form from any eye!

Okaaaaaaaay. Again, the vocab is a bit forced. Princess Platinum might have a refined way of speaking, but unless she spends all her free time reading a dictionary she probably wouldn't speak like this. Also, I understand that you're just describing Platinum's reactions, but it's kinda awkward hearing you gush about how beautiful Clover is when her appearance is apparently based on me. I mean, I'm pretty sure I'm not particularly attractive. If you think I'm pretty, I'm...flattered? I guess? It's just weird to read. Maybe I'm just thinking too hard about it.

"But even that was simply delicious hint of the most heavenly taste that your visage put upon the tongue of my eyes, for when I set them upon your most curvaceous and supple flank, it experienced that most sweet of sensations that I could only have wished to encounter!

First of all "tongue of my eyes" is probably the most unromantic image you could possibly have used here. The mental image of tongue-eyes is just...yuck. I don't think that's what you were going for. Second, it kinda sounds like Princess Platinum is getting an orgasm just from seeing Clover without her cloak. It's...a bit creepy. I don't think that's what you were going for either.

"It stirred deep within the pit of my loins, a fire in my crotch of such desire that I could not contain the overwhelming deluge of passion that I could not help but drown, and I was forced to retire to my private chambers both to escape the crushing pounding heartbeats that were started within me as well as to quell with my own hooves the storm of zest within my valley! Perchance you even heard the cries of my paroxysms in your chambers, utterly unknowing that it was you who dominated my thoughts!

....or maybe that's exactly what you were going for. I did not see this coming. Though in retrospect maybe I should have.

"It was your cutie mark that most affected me. That elegant starburst, encompassed by its diminutive astral counterparts, which dazzled me so! I have since my days as a simple filly been enamored by the constellations spiraling through the blackness of the sun-deprived midnight hours, by the shimmering and sparkling in the velvet sky, but yet they do not hold a single candle to the pattern imprinted by the magical fates upon your curvaceous and most callipygian flank! So many long nights, both sleepless and and in deepest slumber, has the sight commanded me. Each and every night without fail does it appear before me, and my sleeping self cannot help but come onto you. To brush against your flank and feel the silkiness of your coat on my hoof, to take your flank as the softest and most agreeable pillow against my cheek. The passion takes me, and I cannot hold myself back. My tongue escapes my lips and laps the sweat from you, savoring the pungent flavor of your hips, and when I awake I would swear to the flaming heart that the flavor remains upon my lips!"

Uh... um, I'm happy that you seem to like my cutie mark, I guess. Still, I have to say that this passage was more than a little uncomfortable to read. I mean, I'm not even sure what to say. I'm just going to try to ignore that it feels like I'm writing about myself, and note that you use the adjective "most" a lot. But really, I know you're changing the characters to meet your vision here, but it's kind of creepy and I'd really suggest changing Clover's cutie mark to the historically accurate magical sigil. Seriously.

"If not for the depth of my affection, I would have long since exercised my considerable authority and brought you to my bed, and to my great shame I considered it, but ultimately I could not, for it is not solely your body that I care for, but your soul! I would strip myself of all power, regality, and glamour if only you would ever assent to share our bodies as we have shared our minds and souls for so many days past!"

Well, I guess it's good to know that when they inevitably get down and dirty it'll be consensual.

The servile prostrate unicorn replied in acknowledgement, gazing deeply into her liege's liquid orbs. "I would gladly give you consent, for truly I apperceive you beyond any pony that I have comprehended or could know despite the consternation that you may have brought to me in days bygone, but those are over. My only caveat is the utter impropriety of such a carnal union; for if one should happen upon us sharing in the throes of greatest pleasure we should both be undone and I shall be cast from here for being so bold and arrogant as to take the maidenhood of my charge!"

"My dearest darling, Clover the Clever, truly does your mind match the name you were given on its account! Should any happen on us, the blame shall be mine and mine alone. I shall twist my tongue into blackest shapes to speak that it was I and I alone who caused the sorry scene and that you were naught but a victim of my passions that I could not quench! If that is what is needed for you to accept this offer that I have been so lagging to ask and failing to speak, I would beg you that you accept the risk, for if you refuse, my soul shall be shattered forever!"

Well, that's dramatic. There's some nice tension here.

"I would gladly risk all that and more, as I would be cast from the kingdom so long as you were alongside me in my exile! In all the books in all the realm I could not find sufficient words to express the veracity of my claim when I say that I could not possibly be taken into more perfect bliss than if we partook in that what you suggest at this very moment! I would nary delay a single moment, as each passing moment feels as a year, or more than a year, a full lifetime, or an era, in which whole kingdoms should rise and fall! Come upon me, my princess, and take all of that which you have told me you desire so strongly, for the only thing I lack in life is to make a gift of myself to you!" So saying, Clover cast off her every vestment and spread herself upon the bed, splaying her limbs, revealing every tender and secret portion of herself to the Princess, whose knees buckles as she slowly shed her own regalia, even her robes and crown, as she came upon the bed.

Okay, you want to be careful about using "come" and it's tenses in passages like this, because in a sexual context it sounds very different. For instance, while this passage is quite interesting (if more than a bit overwrought), the last sentence makes it sound like Princess Platinum reaches a sexual climax before she even makes it onto the bed with Clover. I mean, you've established that she has quite the libido (that's historically accurate, at least), but I don't think you meant to imply that she had an orgasm just from looking at ~~me~~ Clover.

The mind of Princess Platinum swirled and twirled in her head as the pure rapture overcame her, trying to scrounge her faculties together so as to make an intelligent decision concerning what part of her newfound joy with which to inaugurate themselves. Her eyes meandered most lasciviously in and out of every nook and cranny of the form of Clover, devouring her body through her eyes as though they were mouths and the lavender unicorn was a bounteous banquet of each of her favorite comestibles and cuisines assembled solely for her consumption and her consumption only.

Okay, a good rule of hoof: Unless you're deliberately trying to be creepy, don't compare eyes to mouths. It's just weird.

Her eyes fluttered like delicate songbirds through a forest, scrutinizing each bit of greenery for a perch, alighting finally on the lithe, opaque protrusion of alicorn that had long since sprouted from Clover the Clever's immaculate forehead.

See, comparing eyes to birds is a lot better! Also, you get bonus points for knowing that "alicorn" has an obscure secondary usage referring to the material from which unicorn horns are made. Although it's a bit odd for Princess Platinum to take such interest in Clover's horn. I mean, there are quite a few other things for her to take interest in. Maybe you should have her look at something else. Really, consider it.

She sidled past Clover's body, savoring every touch of each of the thousands of hairs on their respective coats, which were intertwining as they made their inevitable contact with each other, both mares sharing in shortened breaths and quickened hearts beating in their chests like drums, so hard and loud that they threatened to escape their stations in the ribcage and fly to each other.

You don't want to combine literal hearts with symbolic hearts. It brings to mind a rather... messy image.

In situ astride her servant's lovely torso, her loins impressing themselves upon her, and she felt her delicate female flower blossoming and beginning to produce its nectar, which she dabbed with her hoof and raised to her lips in a sensual toast to her beloved.

There are so many "she" and "her"s in this sentence that half the time I'm not sure who it's referring to. It's always an issue when you have two characters of the same gender to work with, but you should really rephrase these sentences to make it more clear who's doing what? I mean, is Princess Platinum tasting... herself? Is that something that ponies do? Great, now I'm imagining you doing it. It's an.... interesting image. I should probably stop writing now.

Her lips, soft as the petals of a flower, parted ever so slightly, creating a space for her tongue to emerge, and brush the tip of Clover's tocsin, fondling it gently before the princess lowered herself further, allowing the alicorn to press upon and through her lips, pushing them ever so slightly further apart until it filled the whole orifice, her lips sliding over each ridge, sucking gently at the extension through which Clover the Clever's full power flowed. The royal's head bobbed like a cork in a river, fellating the appendage as ground her hips upon the chest of her beautiful, immaculate, and most voluptuous servant, satiating her not inconsiderable lust with her heavenly warmth.

OH SWEET LUNA, Rarity, I only let you do that once. Even then I thought it was kinda weird, but I figured "hey, we're friends" and decided that a sleepover wasn't a sleepover without a bit of... experimentation. So I let you... do that to my horn. It was strange and awkward and I thought we agreed never to talk about it again. And I know that you're smart enough to know that never speaking of it again is not nearly the same thing as WRITING SEXUALLY EXPLICIT FANFICTION ABOUT IT. Dammit, Rarity, up to this point it was kinda strange seeing myself in the story, but this makes it really really hard to ignore it. I mean, I guess it could just be a coincidence and that you have like a... a horn-sucking fetish, and you just happened to write a story about it that just so happens to be about the characters we portrayed in the play, and that you mistakenly used a description of me in the DAMMIT I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT YOU WROTE THIS ABOUT ME. I mean, did you think I wouldn't notice or something? Oh Celestia, this isn't some sort of weird courtship hint is it? If it is, why didn't you just come talk to me about it rather than write... this? Although I have to admit, if you are projecting like that, some of the things Platinum says to Clover are really quite touching, but I'd rather hear it from you directly.

Unless of course it is just a coincidence, in which case I'm going to feel like an idiot.

You know what? I'm sorry. I know there are like seventeen more pages, but I just don't feel comfortable reading the rest of this until I talk to you and figure out what the hell is going on.

Also, I know you're using a thesaurus because "tocsin" is a type of alarm, like a klaxon, not a horn. Seriously, if you're going to use a thesaurus, get a dictionary as well to make sure that the words match.

Author's Note

Ugh, this was a tremendous pain to write. I probably could have made it even more unnecessarily florid, but I've never been good at that and this was tough enough as is. And of course, things get awkward.

Yes, this chapter is twice as long as the last one. It's Rarity, what did you expect? And honestly, it was a lot of fun to write Twilight's little rabbit trails about how Rarity screwed up the historical details.