A Celestial Comedy

Canto 2: Tartarus, The River Styx

As we passed through the Gate, I felt as if the breath in my lungs was sucked out of me then forced back in in an instant. I blacked out for that moment, but once I regained consciousness, I looked around to see to where we had come.

I found myself staring into a trio of canine jaws, drooling venom with the breath of death blowing into my face with each dog-like pant.

"Cerberus?" I asked in a small voice.

"Quite, Dante." Discord replied. "He is the traditional guardian of Tartarus, or have you forgotten your mythology?"

I chose not to reply to that comment, then I dared to look up into the hell-hound's eyes. They were alternately black pits, twin infernos, and icy pools. Although they might have been fierce, they seemed ... playful? I wasn't a fan of dogs to begin with, but this one ... well, let's just say it wasn't the cutest thing in the world and it looked like it wanted to play.

Discord calmly came up to the monstrous creature and, putting on his best smile, began to scratch behind Cerberus' ears. The panting quickened, blasting further putrid air into my face, as the hell-hound fell over and began to kick rapidly.

"Go on ahead till you come to the River Styx," Discord called, "I'll catch up with you there."

"Right," I muttered as I gave the smelly dog a wide berth and walked towards what sounded like running water. River Styx, I thought, The mythical River of the Dead ... pleasant.

As I walked, I soon realized I wasn't alone. I was afraid Cerberus was following me, but when I looked around I couldn't resist: "I see dead people!" I whispered.

At least, they looked like ghosts. Transparent and bathed in a pale, ashen glow, the spirits of fellow bronies having fallen into the Pit floated down the path towards the black waters. There a line began to form, and there we waited for a long while.

"So," a specter asked in a hollow voice, turning to me, "how'd you fall so far?"

"I..." I didn't really know how I even got here, so I simply shook my head, shrugging.

"Yeah, I ended up in that part of YouTube myself. That's my story. I mean, heh, how many videos of pranks gone bad does it take to damn you to Hell?"

They got damned for *THAT*? I asked myself. But then, that part of YouTube can get pretty nasty...

"How about you?" the first shade asked the girl in front of him. "What's your story?"

"I...I wrote...clop fics."

A fell chorus of "eew" echoed in the cavernous depths, along with a few "That's so WRONG!" and even a "Did you write that one where Rainbow--" was cut off when a booming voice drew their attentions from each others sins.

"SILENCE!!!"

All eyes turned to see a barge approaching the black sand shore. As it made its way closer, what I thought was the sound of water became more clear, and it turned into the mournful sound of tired moaning.

Steering the barge was an equine figure cloaked in a black hood and cape, his hooves holding a pole that speared through the surface of the River Styx.

"FOALS!!!" he cried, even though he was close enough to be heard at a normal voice, "DAMN THEE, DAMN THY SOULS!!! DAMNATION AND ETERNAL SUFFERING AWAIT THEE!!! THOU HAST BEEN WEIGHED, THOU HAST BEEN MEASURED, AND THOU HAST BEEN FOUND WANTING!!!"

"A-a-a-and, here. We. Go." Discord muttered. I turned to see he had indeed caught up with me, and he was in the process of wiping off greenish slobber from his face and torso. I resisted the urge to rub it in, snickering to myself.

If he noticed me snickering, he didn't show it as he continued towards the shore, cutting through the line of specters, all of whom had a reaction to his appearance. Some of it was that of a die-hard fan seeing their idol, others were "meh", the rest were freaking out about how he shouldn't have been redeemed in Season Three.

"Man, Discord," I whispered, "you sure caused a controversy."

"I'd rather not discuss it." He said curtly.

"sorry," I quickly apologized, realizing it must still be a tender subject for the spirit of disharmony.

"DISCORD!!! the ferrycolt cried out, "WHAT BRINGS THEE BACK TO THE REALMS OF THE DAMNED!?! YOU RECEIVED YOUR PARDON, NOW LEAVE AND ALLOW THOSE POOR, UNFORTUNATE SOULS TO BOARD AND BE FERRIED TO THEIR RIGHTFUL PLACE!!!

"One, could you stop using the Royal Canterlot Voice at me? It still hurts my ears. Two, stop referencing movies. That job (thanks to these assembled sinners) belongs to Pinkie Pie. Three, I have no intention of staying. I'm helping this one--" he pulled me forward, "--get out of here in exchange for a favor."

"Reply the first, my apologies, Discord. It's a force of habit to get your voice heard over the screams of human souls. Reply the second, the Internet references these bronies make tend to stick with you after a while. Reply the third, WHAT!?!"

"You heard me, I'm trying to get this brony home. Danny here, it would seem, doesn't want to move in with this lot."

"None of them do, Discord, but rules are rules. Neither you nor I can--"

"Buck the rules! What fun is there in living by the rules?"

As they continued to argue, I took a peek around me, as per habit of visiting a new place. There didn't seem to be a ceiling, unless you count a swirling mass of darkness and redness and whiteness as a ceiling. The walls looked like the ceiling, except crystallized. The River Styx, however, was the freaky part.

The river wasn't water, but liquefied souls. In the inky blackness I could make out thousands of tortured faces, some of which tried to rise from the depths, only to be mercilessly smacked back down by the ferrycolt's oar.

"FINE!!!" The ferrycolt exclaimed, startling me. "I'll take you two into Tartarus, but after that your fates are your own."

"That's all we ask!" Discord replied cheerfully as we boarded. The other souls didn't move, as if invisible chains kept them back. I took one last look at them. What a pitiful end, I thought, to think, I might have joined them where it not for Discord's intervention.

I looked at my guide. "Thanks,"

He looked at me. "For what?"

"For not letting me become like them."

"Ha, you think it was all out of my good nature?"

"No, not really, but thanks anyway."

He laughed, "I think you and I are going to get along fine."