It was almost dusk as I made my way up the steep climb of the ridge. Down below us was a wide canyon, our mark was just getting ready to pass us by from around the corner, a caravan just loaded with goodies! And drugs, oh the drugs! Get me some stampede and I'll be good to go, I was almost running out!

Space Cannon gave us the signal that it was time and we raced down the hill. A whooping sound was made to my left, and I gave out a holler myself as we sped towards the caravan. I felt a sharp sting followed by the most serene feeling in the world as the stampede made its way into my body, the syringe clanking to the earth below me as I charged on. I wanted to kill everything everywhere! Searing Shot was the first one to get to the guards, that stupid pony! She knew damn well I was supposed to be first in line. With a loud growl I jumped from the hill. Landing close enough to her, I lunged at the guard in her grasp and ripped off a chunk of flesh from his side with my claws. The guard hollered in pain, sweet sweet music to my ears. I wanted more of it. I needed more of it!

"Looks like I win again, dog," Searing shouted at me as she started stomping on the twitching pony, his forelegs closing up each time her hoof went down.

"Bitch pony, you know I called first dibs! You only won cause cheated and pumped me full of drugs," I poked her in the side with a claw, drawing blood. It's not that I minded the drugs, I was quite thankful for it, it made the assault much easier on me when I'm pumped full of chems. "And stop fucking kicking him, he's mine to play with." Searing left me to go after the other caravan guards.

"P-please...I h-h-have a famil-," the guard choked on his words, blood pooling in his mouth as I picked up the kicking from where Searing left off.

"I don't care what the fuck you have, you're mine now!" I continued to kick him. There was a pop and a quick spasm as I stomped on his ribs before he stopped moving. "Hey bitch pony! Look, I killed the poor thing! Hahahah, what a weakling!"

Searing Shot looked up, bits of gore covering her muzzle and a wide, smiling face. Good for her, getting in an afternoon snack. I'm not one for eating my kills, but we all need to eat sometime, am I right? I went back to kicking the now lifeless buck. He had something shiny on his leg. It looked useful so I snapped his right leg off to use as a club and looked over the rest of the area. Most of the caravan ponies were already dead. Some were fleeing, some lay under my mates for er...other reasons, and some even surrendered their possessions in hopes of being let go. Space Cannon never let anyone go. Join up maybe, but never let go. I still wanted to kill, still needed to kill. I really hoped none of these ponies were joining up. I needed to hear more music! I looked over to Space Cannon, my eyes asking for more kills. Space nodded, bringing a hoof across his throat. We were free to kill whoever we wanted! Yay!

I raced over to Leaky Acid who had a mare under him, her cries for help making me just a bit uncomfortable. I wasn't into forcing mares. Not really my thing. Ponies I mean. It's rare to find a hellhound like myself out here though. I bent down next to her and blew softly in her ear. She looked up at me, her eyes pleading for me to help her. I gave her a crooked smile before grabbing one of her legs and pulling, a feint snapping sound followed by her shrill scream was my reward. Acid fell out of her, cursing at me for yanking her away. Poor thing's leg was still attached. "Let Fleshstain help you with that," I whispered to her, as I began stopping on the joint connecting her broken leg to the rest of her. More screaming and crying filled my ears. I looked over to Acid, "Help me get this thing off, it seems to be stuck!"

Acid chuckled and stepped over to my side. He pushed in one direction as I pulled in the other, finally breaking her leg off. The mare howled in pain before seizing up. I just laughed and started beating her with her own leg. "Why are you hitting yourself, bitch? Huh? Why. Are. You. Fucking. Hitting. Yourself?" I shouted, each word emphasized with a beating of her own hoof. I chuckled and nudged her over onto her back so Acid could finish up. Aren't I such a good friend? I tossed the mare's leg to Acid who took it in his magic and placed it somewhere else. Most likely to mess with the mare somewhere more er...private. Nothing better than your own hoof these days!

My eyes twitching for more excitement, I decided to give chase to those that tried to flee. I scanned the area looking for anyone I could play with. To the south, out near the mouth of the canyon was a little filly and what appeared to be her father galloping next to her. In my drug induced rage, I gave chase. The filly looked behind as she was galloping, terror in her eyes. For added effect, I started howling, and I even bared my sharp fangs. The filly froze in fear, the buck next to her running back to pull her tail and drag her away. I stopped in my tracks and cackled madly before I took the guard's leg from my back. I hurled it at the father, striking him the back of the head and having him tumble to the ground. The filly looked back at me, a small revolver enveloped in her magic field. I laughed as she pulled the trigger, the bullet missing me by a mile. Again she shot me, and again she missed her mark. I just stood there laughing, I must of looked like a maniac... but then, we all are maniacs, aren't we? The filly tried flinging her gun once she ran outta bullets. Soft sobs could be heard across from me as the filly stared at her father, the buck shaking his head. Must of knew he was done for. I picked up the gun and walked up slowly to the fallen buck.

"It's okay pony, I make it quick." I leaned over the buck and pointed the gun at his head. "BANG," I shouted loudly, the filly squeaking and the buck shaking madly. "Just kidding! Looks like it's empty. Gotta do this the normal way. I can't bare to watch though, it's too bloody," I said as I turned my head towards the filly and bore my right paw into the back of the buck, his scream a choking wet noise of blood and vomit. "Ugh, you stinky, pony."

I thrust my claws deeper into his shoulder. Feeling around for his spine, I finally got a hold of it and tugged. Slicing off his head with my other paw as I lifted his spine, I was rewarded with a nice makeshift, gore filled flail. It was perfect, just what I always wanted! I stuck a claw up the inside of the head, and using my other paw I worked the mouth.

"It's okay baby, I'm still alive! Daddy loves you, now gimme a hug," I said in a slightly altered voice, using my paw to guide the head's mouth for each word. The filly started crying, wetting herself right there. "I'm fine, really! Just come closer and give me a hug. Everything will be better then, I promise," I said with the pony head. The filly just kept crying, but slowly inched a hoof out forward. Then another. And then another. Out of panic or whatever she had going through that tiny brain of hers, she jumped forward, letting her tears fall freely as she sobbed into my hide. I dropped my paw from the mouth as I embraced her in a hug before quickly decapitated her in a flash of gore. She didn't even have time to scream as her body slumped to the dirt path, blood spurting and painting the earth red. I picked up the leg club and stashed it in my pocket. I always wondered how things like that could fit in my pockets. The leg was almost as long as my torso, and it managed to fit in a little 2x4 inch pocket. I didn't really understand it. It looked like just a normal pocket vest to me, pre-war stuff is weird! I then reached over to pick up the filly's head in one claw and the pony 'flail' in the other and strolled back north to the sacked caravan.

* * *

The place was really torn apart now. Wagon parts spread all over the area, the bodies of the guards and passengers on fire. Locked crates scattered the ground, Space Cannon attempting to pick them open. My claws could easily slice through them, no doubt also slicing whatever was inside, but at least they'd be open, right? Leaky Acid was still going at it with that mare from before, but she was limp. Death by sex, what a way to go!

Using the filly's head, I worked her mouth as I addressed the mass of raiders. "Heyo fellow ponies. You look like a nice group, can I join yous?"

Space Cannon let out a light chuckle. Searing rolled her eyes and Acid gave a wide grin. As always though, it was Arid Tissue who had to go and ruin my fun.

"I swear Fleshstain, You have to be the most psychotic of our lot. That's fucking disturbing man."

Tossing the filly head over to Acid, I turned and faced Arid. "You stupid ponies need to enjoy life! Live a little! I just wanted to entertain but noooo, you had to go and ruin it for everyone now, didn't you? Stupid pony." My rush from the drugs was waning, and I was beginning to get grouchy. "We get any more drugs? I need them. Pony give them, yes?"

Space Cannon tossed me a little silver case. I caught it with a claw to the side, splitting the case open to reveal 12 syringes filled with a crimson and gold liquid. Arid gave a smirk. "I swear, never did I ever think I'd see a hellhound addicted to chems. Only in the wasteland, eh?"

"Shut up stupid pony. Least I'm not eating my own kind. Besides, I never thought I'd work with stupid ponies and their stupid tiny brains!"

"Hey! Stupid dog, that's mean!" Searing Shot gave me a feigned look of hurt on her face. I dug the pony flail out from my pockets and gripped the jaw in my paw.

"He didn't mean it baby, honest!" I said with the pony head, eliciting a creeping smile on Searing's face.

"Aww, I could never stay mad at you, puppy. C'mere and give me a hug," she said with an outreached hoof. As best I could, I gave her a hug, careful not to nick her too much with my claws. I even planted a few kisses with the pony flail on her head, causing her a fit of the giggles. She was a nice pony, I liked her. Ew, not in that way!

"So, boss. What did we get out of this other than my wonderful drugs?" Space Cannon looked at me, then back at remains of the caravan. He trotted over to a cloth tarp, lifting it up to reveal a shiny box. There was not one lock on it, but there was a rattling inside when the boss picked it up. I motioned for the ponies to stay back as I entered my slicing stance. When the boss tossed it to me, I slashed deep. My claws caught the wind, slicing through so quickly that the force of my slash had marked the earth, a void where the box was. There was not a scratch on the thing. Very rarely did I find something that I could not cut open with my claws.

"Doesn't look like I can open it, boss. What's inside it anyways? Why were so many ponies trying to protect this thing?" The boss looked at me before letting out a breath of air, shrugging. He wasn't much of a talkative pony. Rather, I don't think I'd ever heard him speak before. He pointed at the box and back to Acid. Acid took the hint and picked it up in his field of magic, stashing it in his saddlebags.

After gazing out at the carnage we caused and a little more scrounging for bits and bobbles, Searing announced it was time to head out. "Alright team, puppy. Let's head back to Sprout Town." Searing gave everyone a once over before releasing her magic, her spell wrapping each of us up in a bright light before taking us away from the caravan and back on home.

* * *

Now, I know what you're thinking, how can raiders like us have a home? Well you see, Sprout Town was where we all met years ago. While I was being escorted from imprisonment from those pony fliers from up above, they stopped in Sprout Town. They thought their silly mind control cap would keep them safe, but they didn't count on Space Cannon showing up. The boss was a well built earth pony stallion back then, a shining white coat with a loud yellow and orange mane. With his freaky zebra like stance he rescued me from the birdies in a time of need, and I took it upon myself to repay him.

Together, we took over the town. Hellhound and pony working together? It's an odd combo, I know. The fellas back west in Ponyville would be so proud of me! Arid Tissue was next to join us when he thought he found an old untouched pre-war town. Of course it was just a trap we set up. With my keen hearing, I was able to tell when ponies or other creatures passed near our town. We'd always play the ghost town, you know? The second he stepped foot inside Sprout's gates, I was already under him, claws reaching up to grasp at his legs. I pulled pretty hard, ripping out his back left leg. After we found out he was unarmed (Or un-hoofed in this case, hah!) we fixed him up. That purple coat of his was scarred up from bullet wounds, thankfully not from any of us. He passed out from too much blood loss, and with no doctor in town, I took it upon myself to heal his leg. I mashed his leg back to his body and force fed him a bottle of Hydra. His cells re-attached themselves, but he still looked wrong. When he awoke, I realized that I put his hoof on backwards! I think that's why he doesn't like me.

Acid and Searing showed up together as a couple seeking shelter. But it was all an act. While everyone else was sleeping, Searing went off looting us blind. By morning they were both gone. Had it not been for my sense of smell, we never would of seen them again. We caught up to them near the Beach of Ashes, a little place south of Sprout Town. I almost killed her before she agreed to join us. Acid, not wanting to be left alone, joined up with us too. There was one other member of our team, but we always left him home guarding the town. He was much too big to sneak around with us when we went for supplies.

* * *

When we were released from the spell, we were outside of the gates of Sprout Town. At least, what used to be the gates. The town was on fire! Charred bodies lay everywhere! Things didn't look good at all.

Footnote:

New Party Perk!

Medicinal Laughter: While in the vicinity of three or more Skyshadow Raiders, you slowly regenerate health whenever a comedic act is performed.

Fleshstain

Strength: 9
Perception: 3
Endurance: 9
Charisma: 4
Intelligence: 4
Agility: 10
Luck: 1

Perks

Plainsrunning: Your days of running as a puppy in the tunnels of Ponyville have paid off! While in pursuit of a target, friend or foe, you are unhindered by weight and move as such.

Packmaster: While under the effects of Stampede or Rage, you can carry an additional 25lbs. Both of these drugs effects, positive and negative, last twice as long. (-1 Strength while withdrawn from Rage, -2 Strength and -1 Endurance while withdrawn from Stampede.)

Equipment

Leg Club: A stiff leg you pulled off from an Earth Pony. There's a something attached to it. You wonder if it can be taken off...

Bone Flail: A flail you made from a pony spine. Head still attached for when you feel the urge to perform comedy!

Pocket Vest: A vest filled with pockets that run wide and deep. You've had it all your life, and you still don't think you've found all the pockets. Just where do they keep coming from?

<<Special Attacks>>

(Rank 1)Air Slice: Relaxing your body and putting all your strength into you right paw, you slash your current target. The force of your swing is carried on air, inflicting double your normal damage. Has a chance to hit anyone in front of you, including friendlies and neutrals for half your normal damage. Can be used twice a day.

Author's Note

So, this idea popped into my head the other night, an FOE Comedy that was still a bit dark and set off in a land not touched by megaspells. I tried waving it off as it was 2 in the morning and I needed sleep, but it kept me awake, so I decided to wake up enough to write down a few notes. Two weeks later I bring out this. Hellhounds are cool, and I have big plans for this guy. Yes, it's sloppy. I'm not used to writing something like this, so give me some slack here. I failed English 4 years in a row during high school. I'm sure you'll find mistakes and I'll do my best to correct them. I, also, don't know, how to, use, commas.

Thanks to Kkat for creating a story so great that it made me give Fallout 3 another chance, which then made me pick up New Vegas and read all the other awesome FOE stories. Also thanks to OneLonelyPickle for helping me push this out. I totally need an editor.