Chapters All For A Gallon Of Cream Cheese
“Bring the truck closer!” A strange delivery truck, unmarked and marred by strange scorch marks, was parked in front of a rather ordinary apartment complex. Three undistinguished young men laid out boxes upon boxes on the ground in front of the building.
“Hey, what's going on? What are you doing?” The man that found the boxes now on the front doorstep stared at the lettering. Each box said “Ne'er-Go-Bad Bagels.” He questioned their very existence, as he had never even heard of such a company. “Where'd these even come from! I didn't order any bagels!” One of the labourers approached him, nodding.
“Mr. Ghost, I presume? We were told to deliver these and drop them right here, right in front of 153 Wales Street. That is this address. Sorry, but you can't change the minds of a shipping company.” The labourer turned away, but not before Ghost began to shout.
“What about cream cheese?!” The labourer turned around and stared.
“Excuse me sir?”
“Did that contract include cream cheese? You can't expect me to eat bagels without cream cheese! And none of that gooey garbage! Philadelphia Cream Cheese is what I want!” The labourer sighed, flipping through his shipping manifests. He stopped on one page, shaking his head and moving onto the next.
“Sorry, sir! No cream cheese. Just five hundred pounds of bagels!” The labourers sauntered back into the truck, driving off with a perplexed Ghost standing there staring at his new inventory of five hundred pounds of “Ne'er-Go-Bad Bagels.”
“Just what am I going to do with you?”
The boxes safely inside his apartment, Ghost silently cursed himself. He could have shared the bagels with other residents on the block, but most of them were out on holiday in different parts of the world. He sighed, sitting down at his computer. The old codger clunked as it started up, the hard-drive clicking and whirring as it read the operating system. A large “Windows Millennium Edition” logo appeared, splayed brightly across his monitor's screen.
“Stupid old operating system. Stupid old computer. When I get paid, I'm getting a new computer.” He continued to stare at the screen until it finished loading. Starting up his browser, he stared intently at his favourite site: the ordering page of the Philadelphia company. Scrolling down to a large tub, the gallon of cream cheese, he happily clicked the little bubble beside it. Almost as soon as he did, a message displayed, sending horror coursing through his mind. “'We no longer carry this product. Sorry for the inconvenience this might cause.'” He picked up his monitor, throwing it through a nearby window and into the back alley, smiling when he heard the loud crash of an old car husk in the alley having its windshield destroyed. He stared at his old computer. “You're going out too. Just like that piece of junk monitor.” He opened the computer, fishing out the hard-drive before tossing the computer itself through the broken window and into the alleyway. No crashing sound was heard. Ghost leaned carefully out the window to see a neighbour stare at the husk of a car in admiration.
“Why the police haven't called you out on this, Ghost, I'll never know! But don't wreck your computer!”
“The old codger's not going to last anyways! I'm getting a new computer this coming month!” Ghost pulled down his curtain, staring at the single light on his ceiling, dimly lighting the towers of bagel boxes he found himself with. “Well, that was perfectly stupid.”
“I'm sorry sir, but we're all out of cream cheese. We won't be getting any more until next month!” The sales representative was very brash with the dishevelled Ghost as the latter stared at the empty shelf in the dairy where, mere hours beforehand, Ghost had gotten a small tub of cream cheese for a neighbour who had hurt herself and needed something for toast.
“You had over four hundred tubs here, of varying flavours. How can they all be gone?!” Ghost was irritated enough that he felt like he could start shaking the sales representative violently.
“All I was told is that a large group of people came in with large carts, bought all of the cream cheese, and I mean all of it, then left. It's most peculiar- and he's left.” The swinging front doors of the grocery store signalled the running Ghost's path, as did the tipped over cabbage display, complete with crying vendor standing over it.
“No cream cheese, nowhere! I've checked every store within walking distance. The others I'd have to take the bus for, and I've got no change either!” Ghost sat down on an overturned garbage can, staring at the ground. “There's no way I can eat all of those bagels without cream cheese! I don't even have a toaster!” He stared up at the sky, stopping when a billboard above him caught his eye. “'My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic.' Isn't that the little girl's show that grown men watch? Huh. Maybe I'll ask Techie about it.” He stood up, brushed himself off, and started back to the apartment complex, where he knew Techie, the only other person in his complex not on holiday, would be waiting.
“No. Just no, Ghost. You know how illegal that sort of procedure is! What if you end up wrecking a universe doing so?!” Ghost sat down on an unopened computer parts box, staring at his technological friend.
“But Equestria's got to have cream cheese! There's none within walking distance! The grocery store even sold all four hundred tubs of their cream cheese! Within a few hours!” Techie stopped, staring at Ghost.
“Even strawberry flavoured?”
“Even strawberry flavoured. Look, are you going to do this or not, Techie? Your quantum tunnelling device is the only one in existence! I need to go to Equestria- hey, what's that?” Ghost's interest had suddenly been piqued by a bottle on its side, leaking out iced tea into a pipe but never seeming to run out.
“That's the Arizona Quantum Tea. It's iced tea that never runs out. Drink as much as you want, and it will always be full. It was an experiment with the prototype of the tunneller. I have to admit, even I got sick of endless iced tea.” Ghost was quick to snatch it up and pop the cap back on. “All right, Ghost. I'll help you. Just remember, you have to promise to bring me back a tub of strawberry flavoured cream cheese, okay? Make it a gallon one, and we should be good!” Techie left the room, only to wheel in an enormous mechanical wheel, wires snaking out of it towards various parts of the room.
“Just one thing. How will the Quantum Field affect me?”
“Won't do much. Only affects you, and whatever you have touched in the last seven or so hours.” Ghost gulped, staring at the wheel. Techie started it up, watching as energy built up in the wheel. “We're doing good! The field will be at full power soon!”
“Techie, is it a good idea to tell you that five hours ago, I brought five hundred pounds of bagels up to my apartment?”
“You what?” Techie attempted to shut it down, but something else was giving the Quantum Field power. A portal began to emerge as papers flitted around the room, flying without wind or reason. Some twisted into strange shapes, while others attacked Ghost and Techie. “Use the portal, now! It breaks reality to cross over, and our reality won't be able to fix itself until I shut it down, or until it burns out!” Ghost nodded, holding the never-ending iced tea close to himself.
“Well, as a great sky diver once said, 'Geronimo!'” Ghost took a few steps back, running headlong into the portal...
To arrive in a completely different place. The Quantum Tunneller had worked. All Ghost had to do now was place down the return pad, and he would be- Ghost looked around.
“You have got to be kidding me! I forgot the return pad?!”
Back on Earth, Techie was going ballistic.
“He forgot the pad, he forgot the pad! What do I do?!” He frantically began typing in equations on his computer, trying to re-activate a portal to Equestria for the return pad.
Ghost stared down at the creatures he had landed in the midst of. Multi-coloured ponies all stared straight at him, only to run screaming as boxes upon boxes of “Ne'er-Go-Bad Bagels” dropped from the sky, landing in their stacked behind Ghost.
“Ah, there they are. Five hundred pounds of bagels.” A strange pony with a dark purple mane, lavender coat, and a horn stared at him as the bagels finished landing. “Now, just a quick question. Does anyone, or any pony, here know where I can get a gallon bucket of cream cheese?”
All For A Gallon Of Cream Cheese
2 - 400 Miles Of Supersonic
Ghost stared down at the lavender unicorn, wondering just what was going through the pony's mind as he stood there, boxes of bagels stacked behind, albeit haphazardly. A large grin spread across her face as she began to stagger away. Ghost could not hear her mumbled speech, but he understood enough that the pony may have lost her mind.
“Well, chalk that one up in the record of insanity after meeting me.” Taking a quick swig from the Arizona Quantum Tea, he sighed as he turned back to his boxes of bagels. Sitting on top of them all was a grey pegasus pony, her blond mane dipping down into a box she was digging through. “Oh, no you don't!” Ghost clambered up the side of the stacks of bagels as fast as he could, trying to scare the pegasus off before it dropped any bagels onto the ground. “Those are my bagels! Leave them alone! Get off of my boxes!” The pegasus pony turned with a strange look, cocking her head sideways.
“These aren't muffins? Oh, poo. I thought that my dream had finally come through.” She flapped lazily as she drifted away, leaving the bagels still sitting out. As Ghost turned to shout at her to put the bagels back, she was already out of earshot.
“That's going to be a problem. I'm glad I always carry this on me.” Ghost retrieved a roll of duct tape from his pocket, moving quickly through the boxes and taping them all shut. Once the last one had been completed, he stared at them all, panting from the speed at which he had to move. “Now to find out where I might find some delectable spread of the gods.” He stopped a pony meandering through the boxes, clearing his throat to get her attention. “Excuse me, do you have any idea where I could get some Philadelphia Cream Cheese?” The pony stared up at him in confusion. Sighing, Ghost pulled out an empty container of cream cheese and held it in front of her.
“Fillydelphia Cream Cheese? Oh sure! That's in Fillydelphia, but that's 400 miles away!” Ghost pulled the container back, staring at the label.
“'Fillydelphia Cream Cheese.' Huh.” He put the container back in his pocket, kneeling down until he was at eye level with the pony. “Is there any way I could transport all of these boxes 400 miles, without having to carry them all?” The pony stepped out from under the shade of the boxes, a bubblegum-pink mane springing up as she smiled.
“My Party Cannon could shoot you all the way there!” Almost as if out of nowhere, an enormous cannon appeared out of nowhere. Ghost stared up at the mouth of the cannon.
“That does not look safe.” He stopped to stare down at himself. “Then again, the Quantum Tunneler was never safe either. I'll look for other options, and if I can't find any, I'll come back and take the option of... being shot out of a giant cannon.” As he finished his sentence, he gulped loudly. “Although that thought does scare me.” He walked away from the pink pony, intent on finding another way to transport that did not include hurling him at unnatural speeds from the barrel of a cannon that would rival the guns on an American battleship.
“No, absolutely not! You cannot use that cart!” A pony covered in rags stood between Ghost and a large cart, one that Ghost assumed would be able to carry all of the boxes, and still be able to move.
“You don't understand! I need that cart, and it's the right size for what I will be using it for!” The rag pony shook his head, sighing.
“That's not yours. You can't just take it.” Ghost picked up the pony and smiled directly in his face.
“And what will you do? Wave your hoof in my face? Last time I checked, 500 pounds of bagels are not possible for any creature to carry without any sort of lifting mechanism. And I don't have a crane... or a truck. This cart is the next best thing. Let me have it, please?” The pony shrugged.
“Well, since you said please, go ahead. If it falls apart, it's your funeral.” Ghost dropped the ragged pony, chuckling as it galloped away.
“Let's see how well this cart works.”
A large group of ponies gathered in the centre of town to witness the very rare sight of a human loading up a cart with boxes of bagels. Ghost tried to shut them out of his head as he loaded each box. Each stack grew higher and higher as he continued his task. A pegasus pony with a rainbow mane and tail landed beside him.
“What are you doing?”
“Loading up my boxes for transport. I am not going to be shot out of a cannon. Never. I refuse to be shot out of a cannon.” Ghost continued to mumble to himself as he finished his task. Nodding, he approached the front, staring down at the harness. “Not the strangest thing I've done, but I'll have to try.” He undid his belt, lashing it through the harness so that it was connected to his midriff. “All right!” He started to try to run forward as fast as possible, attempting to get up a mad dash so he could gather the cream cheese quicker. His belt snapped, ripping off the harness, and his pants. Ghost stared back at the harness, and his pants sitting there, flapping in the light breeze that had come up. “Oh great. Without pants, and still no cream cheese.” He yanked his torn pants off of the harness, attempting to lash it flat against his back with the belt once more.
“That's not going to work twice. Not a chance.” Ghost merely smiled and attempted another mad dash, the result being his back smashing against the ground, eliciting a groan as he stood up.
“Worth a try.” He stared across the centre of town at the pink pony he had met earlier. “You win. Bring out the cannon.”
Ghost was tied securely to the boxes that sat on the cart with him inside the pink pony's giant cannon.
“I'm going to reiterate that this is not safe whatsoever!”
“Sit down on the cart! It should be good to ride on!” Ghost barely heard what was shouted.
“What-” He barely got his sentence out of his mouth before the cannon went off, sending the cart flying, dragging him backwards. “Oh dear God!” The cart slammed through a marketplace, Ghost bouncing around behind like a doll tied to a rope behind a speeding car. He slammed face-first into a wooden wall, just to the left of where the cart had passed through. Hole after hole, wall after wall, the cart barely lost momentum as it took him through building after building until he was at the edge of the town, with barely any speed lost. “How does this even work?! I should have stopped at some point!” He continued to scream as the cart took him careening along the road that he assumed was towards Fillydelphia. A rainbow-coloured steak caught up with him. He grimaced as he faced the rainbow-maned pegasus.
“You're going so fast! I'm going to see if I can't beat you!” She began to fly in front of the cart, her wings flapping faster and faster as a white cone formed in front of her. Ghost started to sweat, knowing what was about to happen.
“No, no, no, no. No sonic booms! No sonic booms!” Sure enough, as soon as he stopped yelling, the rainbow pegasus broke the sound barrier, sending herself, and the cart, along with a screaming Ghost, speeding at supersonic speeds down the road. “I'm going to die! I'm going to die!” Ghost closed his eyes, only opening them when something tapped his shoulder, rapidly. He opened them to find that he was flying through the underbrush, having left the road quite suddenly. “No! Why do things like this happen to me!” A tree branch barely missed the tops of the stacks of boxes, Ghost sighing in relief when he saw that they were safe. The underbrush suddenly ended, Ghost feeling weightless. He turned back around to find that he had jumped a cliff. “Well, I lived a good life. Let whoever watches over this world take me when I die.” Ghost closed his eyes, mumbling to calm himself down.
When he reopened his eyes, he was still moving quite fast on the cart, albeit no longer supersonic. The rainbow pegasus was sitting beside him, smiling.
“I can't believe you actually kept pace with me! You're a cool... thing. What's your name?” Ghost stared down at the pegasus in utter shock. He had been sent on a wild ride by her, and she wanted to know his name.
“I'm Ghost. Although I can't believe it, what's yours?” The rainbow pegasus took a strangely cool pose, smiling with a roguish grin.
“I'm Rainbow Dash, the fastest pegasus alive!”
“That's for certain. Your sonic boom sent me at supersonic speeds off a cliff.” She shrugged at Ghost's irritation.
“It's not supposed to do that, but that's cool. This cart's speed should take us closer to where you're going before it slows down.” A sudden voice behind them both almost made Ghost fall off the cart.
“When I can shoot you out of my cannon again!” Ghost, without turning around, grabbed the pony behind him and held her out in front of his face.
“Don't you ever dare to do that again.” She nodded quickly, letting Ghost set her back down on the cart. “Well, this is going to take a while. Either of you know any good jokes?”
All For A Gallon Of Cream Cheese
The cart slowly rolled to a stop at the foot of a mountain, Rainbow Dash fast asleep on Ghost's lap as he stretched.
“Well, that certainly took quite a while. Hey, pink pony. Wake up!” He turned around to find that the pink pony was nowhere to be found. “Does she always do that?” Rainbow Dash yawned as she stirred from her sleep. She glanced up at Ghost before suddenly bolting up straight, her face completely red. Ghost started chuckling, then fell off the cart from laughing so hard.
“H-Hey! Don't laugh!”
“I made a pony blush! Wa ha ha ha!” He eventually sat up, clearing tears of mirth from his eyes.
“It's not funny!”
“What made you so embarrassed anyways-” Ghost stared down at his legs, realizing that he had no pants on, once again. He smiled, pulling off his shirt to remove anything else that could be removed by hapless harnesses. “That works. Let's get going.” He picked up the harness, pulling slowly so as to not hurt himself again. The cart began to roll slowly. Ghost stared down at the ground, realizing almost too late that he was dragging the cart down an incline. “You may want to start flying!” As the cart began to roll again, Ghost hopped back on, smiling and laughing as the cart returned to its normal land speed record, set, strangely, by the enormous cannon that should not have existed.
“Whoa! What did you do?” Rainbow Dash was flying beside the cart as it continued to speed up.
“Just started pulling. Didn't see it was on an incline, and a simple push would have sufficed. Wahoo!” He cheered into the wind that rushed through his hair as the cart continued to move. “You do realize that this thing is still tied to me, right? I can't leave it even if I wanted to.” Rainbow Dash stared at Ghost, her face turning red again. “Why are you even blushing? I don't get it at all.”
“You're the first person to ever keep up with me... speed-wise. That makes you-” She sat down beside him, cheering as well. “-the coolest... uh, what are you?”
“I'm a human. We call each other 'person', usually, if you don't know someone's name.” Rainbow Dash laughed at that.
“Well, you're the coolest person ever, Ghost! At least 20% cooler!” The cart flew off of a large bump, soaring over a large section of the road. Still laughing, Rainbow Dash and Ghost continued on the path to Fillydelphia.
About two hours later, the cart stopped at the top of a tall hill, with a town at the bottom. It was a fairly large town, and Ghost thought he could spot a train station from where he sat.
“If we can get down there, and get on the train with my boxes, we could get to Fillydelphia faster!” Almost as if on cue, the pink pony was back, immediately in Ghost's face.
“You want to use the train? Why would you want to use something so boring? I've got my cannon, with some brand-spanking-new improvements!” The cannon was beside the cart, its shadow towering over Ghost. He gulped until he saw what she meant.
“Those are rails, aren't they? Why are they there?”
“Silly! Those are for the cart! You sit down on it, and get launched even faster!”
“What about the laws of physics?! Take those into account!” Ghost was sweating from fear of being shot out of the cannon again, staring up at the rails.
“What are those? Anyways, it's incredibly safe! I even brought you a crash helmet!” The pink pony slammed a football helmet down on Ghost's head.
“Uh, okay. I feel slightly safer. But why is the train boring?” The pink pony got back up in Ghost's face, smiling.
“Because it does not go to Fillydelphia! The only way there by train is from Canterlot! However, my cannon can send you flying at super speed this time! You might even break the sound barrier!” Ghost froze, the fresh memory of flying off of a cliff coming to the forefront.
“Are there any cliffs between Fillydelphia and us? I mean, I don't want to go flying again. No offense, Dash.” Rainbow Dash nodded, smiling at her new human friend.
“None taken.”
“No, silly! It's incredibly flat from here to there, with barely any dips! It's perfect for a cannon ride!” Pinkie was positively bouncing with joy as she hopped around the cart, eliciting a groan from Ghost as he could tell what was coming next.
“Strapped in? Check. Crash helmet? Check. Complimentary peanuts and drinks? Sorry, I don't supply those.” Pinkie had a radio headset on, talking through loudspeakers installed throughout the cannon. “Please be aware of the rocket boosters I attached to the back of the cart. Your acceleration will send you rocketing forwards at a higher speed when assisted by the cannon's blast. The blast of the cannon may or may not level a nearby forest, but that means free lumber for the nearby town.” Ghost sat still, staring at the back of the cart.
“What?”
“Okay! We're ready to launch! Hold onto your hats, fillies and gentlecolts, we're about to blast off!” The cannon aimed high into the sky, the cart locking into place. “Counting dow. n.” As Pinkie counted down from ten, Ghost began to panic, badly.
“What was that about-” The cart launched out, the cannon blast sending the cart, and Ghost, careening across the sky. “-rocket boosters?! Pinkie!” His screams echoed out as he soared, wings unfolding from the sides of the cart with the boosters firing up. A control stick popped up in front of him. Not even questioning how that was even possible, he gripped the stick tightly, gritting his teeth. “Oh, this can't end well, at all.” The cart bucked and dived as Ghost attempted to learn how the stick operated, eventually working out a rudimentary understanding. He was about to scream in happiness at flying when a figure beside him nearly scared him off the side. Pinkie was sitting beside him, wearing a suit and tie of all things.
“Thank you for flying Air Pinkie. We hope you enjoy the trip. By the way, Fillydelphia is still a far ways away.” Ghost let go of the stick for one moment, moving to strangle the pink pony, before it started to nosedive, heading directly for a steam train just pulling into the station.
“Piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinkiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiie!” Ghost screamed as the cart-plane dived faster and faster. As the ground came rushing up to meet him, the cart started moving properly on its own. Looking around, Ghost stared at Rainbow Dash, who was smiling at him from the air.
“Well, looks like you could use some flying lessons, Ghost! Luckily, I'm the best flier in all of Equestria.” Ghost smacked his face, staring at the cart.
“Well, we're doomed.” He watched the ground, staring at the trees go by. “I don't think I want flying lessons, especially when this is a plane, not wings.” He gripped the stick once more, trying to steer around Rainbow Dash, but she kept zipping around, staying in front. “Rainbow, you're cool and all, but I don't want to hit you! And trust me when I say this: Nothing gets between me and my cream cheese. I don't care if I have to survive an apocalypse to get it, I will!” He dived the plane, coming up behind the now dumb-struck pony. Before she could say anything, she watched the plane head off into the distance. Shouting out so Ghost could hear, she gave him some advice.
“You're going the wrong way!” Ghost turned the plane around, returning to where he was with Rainbow. A slight red tinge of embarrassment touched his cheeks.
“All right. I need a navigator.” Dark clouds began to circle the plane as it started facing the right direction. Rainbow sat down, visible shivers running through her. Ghost motioned for her to take over as he stood up. “As I said, an apocalypse won't stop me in my quest for cream cheese! Nothing will stop me-” A large unicorn's face, complete with evil tinges, vampire teeth, and metal armour, stared at him from the clouds.
“You trespass into my domain, intruder? You will die-” Ghost's hand, clenched tightly into a fist, had slammed squarely into the unicorn's forehead.
“Get out of the way! I mean it, unless you want to get, uh, your flank beat!” He turned to Pinkie, who was staring at the dark unicorn. “I did get the anatomy right, correct?” Pinkie nodded, staring at the unicorn. Rainbow was the first to speak about who he was.
“That's King Sombre! He ruled the Crystal Empire with an iron hoof as a dictator years ago.” Ghost smiled, then laughed. He faced Sombre, a huge grin crossing his face. His hand balled up into a fist again, slamming it squarely, again, into Sombre's forehead.
“Then I just have to beat him down, like I planned if I ever met a Robo-Stalin, or a Stalin clone, or any dictator that died and came back to life in a weird way!” His fist slammed repeatedly into Sombre's face, a dent beginning to grow in the irritated unicorn's face.
“Enough! I will cast you from this land if you persist-” Ghost refrained from punching, spinning around and landing his foot, accidentally, in Sombre's eye. “Sweet mother of Celestia?! Why would you do that!? That's just plain rude!” He floated away, his eye streaming with tears. Pinkie stared at Ghost, who sat down. Rainbow smiled and began to laugh.
“That... was so... awesome! You kicked his flank all right!” Ghost rubbed his foot, a large red welt forming on the side.
“That will be the last time I ever consider taking on a partially corporeal boss-like enemy ever.” A piece of paper floated down, landing at his feet. He picked it up, reading slowly. “'Congratulations. You have defeated your first boss. You have been granted the ability 'Nerves Of Steel', which will allow you to resist pain more effectively.'” Almost immediately after he read it, the red welt disappeared from his foot. “Well, either I'm dreaming, or this whole thing just became a role-playing game. I don't like role-playing games. There's too much thought involved.” Ghost looked down at the ground, confusion crossing his face. “Just where are we?” Pinkie stared down, her eyes growing wide.
“We're in the Land of the 12-Sided Dice. Be warned, this whole area is ruled by a being who believes life is a role-playing game, and awards items and experience to good players.” Pinkie breathed, staring at Ghost.
“Did you just remember all that in a glance?” Pinkie pointed at a nearby sign.
“Read it off of that.”
“Right. So, now what?” A booming voice cut off the rest of Ghost's sentence.
“Welcome, travelers, to the realm of the 12-Sided Dice! If you wish to escape, you must advance to level 10 in experience points, and fight me inside Castle Ragnarok.” Ghost began to snicker, then full-on laugh. “What is so funny that you must laugh so?”
“'Castle Ragnarok?' Oh, you're just asking for it! I said not even an apocalypse would keep me from my quest to gain my precious cream cheese! Fillydelphia Cream Cheese to be exact!” The plane lost all power, coming in to land on top of a large mountain.
“Your boxes of 'Ne'er Go Bad Bagels' will be safe up here. You must fight me in my castle and win if you are to leave!” Ghost stared down at the land, watching various dice roll around.
“Pinkie, Dash, let's do this!” His two pony friends raised hooves as he raised his fist, another leg of their adventure continuing. “For cream cheese, and to never have to lay eyes on a 12-sided die ever again!”