Culture osmosis

“And as Buckly opened the door, he thought of all the wondrous times he’d had with the monsters.” I raised my hoof to my chin in thought, trying to look like Buckly did in the picture. Zenith had since moved from strangling me to sitting on the cushion opposite of me while I read all manner of books. Apparently my funny faces and exuberance for easy reading had been popular, as every parent with foals that stepped in had lost their children to my clever storytime trap. Now there were three little ones sitting in a semicircle on the floor. I turned the page and started reading again. “Buckly thought and thought, until he thought his brain was going to explode. He turned to face his monster friends, and looked at each of them before running up and hugging them. “I’m going to miss you all SO MUCH”” And with that I pouted out my lower lip and wailed a little bit as the kids looked at me in rapt attention. I turned the page again. “The monster king looked down sadly “But you must got Buckly, you have learned that monsters aren’t scary, and now you must go back home.” Buckly sniffled and wiped his nose. “You’re right king, I’ll be good.” And with that, Buckly returned home, no longer scared of the monsters in his closet.”

I set down the book and looked at all the kid’s, er, foals in front of me. I closed the book dramatically, to all the foals sadness. One even vocalised it. “Aw, do you have any more stories mister?”

I smiled and rose my hooves like I was Noah parting the red sea. “My boy, we’re in a library. If you want more to hear a good book, you gotta find a good book. Until Twilight get’s here I’m free.” As they all debated which book to have me read the door flung open. Twilight ran in like a bolt of purple lightning, running straight to the kitchen where Big Mac and Spike were while everyone else was looking for books.

I heard a clunk, along with a few surprised gasps before I heard her speak. “Spike, Big Mac, Greenhorn! Wait, where’s Greenhorn?!” I heard more muttering from the kitchen at what was I assume a normal volume before purple lightning the pony ran in front of me. “Greenhorn, what are you doing out here?”

She seemed focused, and mildly curious. The question, however, was the way you tell a kid that they done fucked up. I pointed to the kids now huddled in the corner, who were amazingly unfazed by the changeling in the library. The parents were too, or hadn’t noticed yet. Either way she looked between the kids and me with such speed that I thought she’d break her neck. “I was reading to the kids Twilight, it was like a party, only calmer and with less cake.” I looked at the table behind me, and saw a cake with a pink pony behind it and... oh God forgive me my sins. Pinkie Pie cometh, and she brought not but the party of evil.

Pinkie Pie gasped in me and Twilights general direction. She jumped up and I swear the roof went upwards with her. She splayed out her legs and released a smile roughly the size of a third world country.  She zeroed in on me, and I felt the cold chill of death. “IS THAT A NEW PONY!!??!” As if sensing the newfound danger, the library guests suddenly evacuated, leaving me to my fate.

I felt the wind rush from my side as Twilight fled from this monstrosity in front of me. It was a lovecraftian beast of legend, if slightly less morbid. She charged towards me. I took a step back, but after that I felt fear paralyze my body. I started counting down the seconds to impact, but just before one, I was struck with a wall of confetti. I shook my head in fear, I grasped at straws as I spoke. “I’m not a pony.”

Pinkie stopped, and rose a hoof to her chin. “Well, I guess a pony is a pretty silly name.” I stood stark still, willing Pinkie to leave us to our conversation. “Oh, I know, I’ll introduce myself. I’m Pinkie Pie, and I threw this confetti just for you!!”

I had no idea how to react. The cacophony of noises had overwhelmed my senses, leaving me stunned to the spot. I slowly attempted to speak. “I’m Greenhorn?”

Pinkie Pie jumped in place. “How good for you, but isn’t that a unicorn name? Oh, maybe you’re an alicorn who disguised himself to live among ponies, and when the time is right BOOM alicorn takeover of Equestria. Anyways I gotta work on something so I’ll catch you later Greenie-leenie!” With that she walked out the library, using the door which seemed like a rather tame note for her entrance.

I moved to stare at Twilight. “Was that normal? I feel like I was just attacked by a clown from the frozen plains of Hell.”

Twilight nodded. “It is, but I’m surprised she gave up so easily. Normally she wouldn’t have left until all of Ponyville was crammed into my library for a party.”

I shook my head. “Anyways Twi, you get the full story from chatty over there?”

Twilight shook her head. “Chatty?”

Big Mac walked out of the kitchen, Spike riding on his back. “Ah reckon’ he means me. An’ nah, she came in lookin’ fer you.”

I jumped back on a chair, with Zenith lazily flying onto my lap. “Excellent, now I hold all the cards. MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!”

Twilight rolled her eyes, moving a hoof to her forehead afterwards to emphasis my stupidity. “Actually, I was here to tell you major news involving the Princess and an escaped prisoner.”

I patted Zenith in between his wings, causing him to curl up in my lap. “Does the news have to do with changelings, and kings, and boom booms?”

Twilight sat there, a look of confusion on her face. “How’d you guess?”

I smiled and nodded towards Big Mac. “We may have met a few people who explained the situation.”

The look on Twilights face almost made me bust out laughing. Her Ears folded back and eyes shot open. “What? Ohmigosh, are you okay, is Zenith okay, did the farm get hurt?” She started jumping up and down. I simply shook my head.

Big Mac answered for me, “We’re all fine girlie. Greenhorn got one of ‘em off us and the rest weren’t to keen on chasing us. Ah reckon’ they thought we might have more of them sticks Greenhorn used.”

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “A stick?”

I raised the newly christened boomstick in the air. “Hey boss, the stick works. Surprisingly  it didn’t explode and kill me.”

I saw that process in Twilights mind before she simply shook her head “That was an option. Nevermind. I was going to say that the king of changelings has broken free of his prison.”

I looked around. Zenith nibbled my wing somewhat painfully. “So, assuming I’m the only one who has no clue what that means. What does that mean?”

Twilight nodded, “No pony really knows that story, so you're forgiven for your massive ignorance  on the subject of pony history.”

I pretended to flinch as if punched in the gut. “Oh, you wound me madame. I am but a new arrival in the land of the technicolor ponies. And I am assaulted with a wit as scathing as iron.” I fell to the floor.

Twilight seemed unamused. She simply rolled her eyes and kept talking. “Anyways, the king of changelings was the leader of the hive three-hundred thousand years ago.” She looked towards the ceiling for a bit. “Roughly. Despite the fact that that most of the spells out princesses using having defined limits this one was supposed to be permanent.” She brought a hoof to her chin. “We’re still not sure how he got out.” She shook her head. “Anyways, we've been told that we’re to cut all relations with the hive and leave them be for the moment. The new relations with the queen may play out if the spell did it’s emotional part on him, he should be a bit less, uh...”

I offered my explanation. “Giant raging dick waffle?”  I really doubted that was the right answer and by the reaction they didn't even know what that meant. I backpedaled. “Uhm, by that I mean a ruler who may actually care for his people?” I tried to smile, but apparently it worked at least a little bit.

Twilight looked like she had grasped onto the lone rock of knowledge in my sea of stupidity. “Yes, before he was stopped he used lives like he was eating a field of grass, everyone below him was expendable.”

I nodded sagely. “As, tzar pony went with the Russian war strategy.” I fully stood up and Zenith stood on my head. “As was with the cold war, I will endeavor to stop them by starving them of their precious resources and waiting for their economy implode like a majestic bug.”

Everyone continued to talk, and seemed to completely pass by my comment. I was starting to feel unloved. I leaned over to Zenith. “Hey buddy, you feel up to heading home?” I heard a happy buzz behind my wing. “Alright, we gotta sneak though, so being quiet is key okay?” I heard another buzz, and it sounded like an affirmative, so I started to sneak away like a mouse.

At least I would have, if I had the slightest ability to be quiet when apparently the foals I had been reading to had retreated right outside the door. “It’s the book pony!” I remember my final thought before being swarmed, and it was simple. Ah shit. And just like that I was mobbed, and corralled back into the library. “ We can find another book, will you please read us more?” I swear, it’s like they were all talking at once. Just to be clear, I’m paraphrasing. The actual horde was fighting for every sentence I wanted to hear and was barely more than a mess of words.

I heard a few sighs from behind me, and maybe one chuckle as I was deposited into the children s corner, surrounded by pillows and with a book shoved in my hooves. “I ah, I... I gotta go kiddies, maybe tomorrow?” I said this sheepishly while a dozen eyes stared me down with the collective cuteness that could strike any man with diabetes at 20 paces. They all stared back for a minute before one I recognized stood up.

It was pipsqueak, the adorable little rapscallion. “Do ya promise sah?” I nodded, hoping I would start a little revolution.  Like a little Lenin pipsqueak began. “I guess we can come back later guys, but we gotta meet back up here for story time tomorrow.” They all began to slowly file out of the house. I tried to follow, however I felt the purple magic swallow my entire soul, or go around me and pick me up. I heard a squeak from my wings as Zenith felt the power of magical pony flight and found it wanting.

Twilight’s voice sang through the air. “Oh Greenhorn, I wasn't finished.” Fuck. I just wanted to finally go home, and possibly get a crib. Fuck I needed a checklist or something. Twilight seemed to hold no mercy for my dilemma. “Now as I was saying, the king should be mostly calm, assuming those ‘entertainers’ he sent your way were a knee jerk reaction we should be fine... hopefully.”

I started trying to subtly flap my wings free of the magenta prison. It didn’t work, and Twilight shot me a death glare. I tried to shrug. “I need to get a crib?”

Twilight rolled her eyes at me and floated me towards the door. “Go get your stuff, long story short try to relax and finally get used to your new home. All else failing you’ll get a few days to make your first report.” Shit, and just like that my plans die in fires of vengeance. Well, welcome to your new home Jonathan, paperwork included.