Dead Cat Bounce: A Fanfiction Fanfiction

“I’m sorry.

I’m so sorry.

It’s just that I've had a really stressful week and sometimes it's just so hard to concentrate and I really don't want to perform unless it's going to be really great and really special. It's hard, because it's just like, you try so hard to make things good, but it's just so hard and everything turns out bad. Phèdre next week, I promise.

I have some news. Maybe you would like that?

There have been frequent occurrences of mass animal death events this month, according to a letter I received from an acquaintance who isn’t even a friend and could never take the place of you, my love.

Whole clowders of cats, up to several dozens, have been found in characteristic crescent-shaped piles within fairy rings. It might be that the cats are the victims of the ire of pixies or elves, for their transgression into the realm of the fey folk. But that’s impossible because fairies aren’t real and nopony believes in them, so they all went extinct.

It's true it’s already been two months since Walpurgis Night, but maybe the cats were slain by vindictive witches who can't let go and have nothing better to do all day then mope around and revisit the sites of their unholy rituals in the vain hope of rekindling that sense of being alive that they only experience then because they're too afraid to try new things and jealously guard the only thing that makes them feel special even though at this point it's just a meaningless fight to grasp onto something that everypony else has already stopped caring about.

There are skeptics out there who disagree, though. Could this be evidence of Nibiru? Some say clathrates are to blame.

But, I mean, that's just my opinion. I'm not speaking for anypony at all, but I feel like it's okay to hold an opinion on something even though you haven't personally experienced the situation you're talking about?

I'm not a witch.

I'm not a dead cat, either.

What do you think? It would make me feel so much better about it if you agreed with me, but at the same time if you don't that's okay too because you're probably right and that means I'm probably wrong and I should just accept that because if you can't be good then you have to be humble.

And since my play is late I think I'm bad.

I just want to go to bed.

Please don’t forget, this is Strange Item on 14.860 MHZ, and she’ll do better next time.

But there’s just so much time left…. I have to fill it up… I… I'll just play it off….” —{CLICK}