Spike and Barley in Equestria

"GOD DAMN IT!" Screamed Barley. "These fuckers are everywhere!" He and Spike had been shooting the zombie ponies for what seemed like hours.

"What do you expect, man? This place is like the capital city."

"Their still shouldn't be this many zombi-" before he could finish his sentence, a claw from behind had swipt Barleys head clean off. Out of necessity, Spike had to watch where it landed. It flew through the air, and smashed in a nearby buildings window. As it smashed, Barley had respawned.

"TOUCHDOWN!" Yelled Spike.

"Shut the hell up and get back to shooting. There's only a few more left."

Spike pulled out his shotgun and was about to shoot the remaining zombies, but then he recognized some of the zombies as the snob ponies that gave them disgusted looks earlier. He put his gun away and pulled out his knife, and also swiped Barley's knife from his pocket. The insane look also from earlier was back in his eyes.

"Spike, what the hell are you doing? We still have plenty of ammo."

Spike turned to his friend, and when Barley recognized the look, he smiled. Putting his hands behind his head, Barley crouched. Spike ran up, on, and jumped off Barley's back into the crowd of zombie ponies. With one knife in each hand, Spike stretched his arms at his sides.

"HOW YA DOIN, YA TINY PONIES!?"

The moment he landed, the knifes began flying in every direction. The body part they struck with didn't seem to matter, for they effortlessly cut through it like a hot knife through butter.

Moments afterward, Spike stopped cutting and began panting. The zombies stood still, with blank looks on their faces, then their faces began to fall apart. Soon, their bodies began to do the same. Only their hooves were left.

"I *pant* I told you *pant* I was gonna stab their faces, man."

"I never said you couldn't, Spike." Barley helped his friend off the ground. "All I said was wait."

Spike and Barley, safe for the moment, were planning on how they were going to find David.

"Alright" Started Barley "How are we gonna find David here? Back on Earth, that place was just a small little town. How are hell are we gonna find him in, what I'm assuming, is the fucking capital city of an entire country?"

Spike began to look around, seeing if there was any indication of where David could be hiding. He saw what could be a definite place of where David was.

"Barley, something tells me he's gonna be in that lil'o tower, man."

"What makes you sa-" Barley turned, and saw the tower.

A large tower was in the distance. Instead of the purple, white, and gold colors in the rest of the city, the tower was black and red, with spikes that curled upwards to the sky. Dark clouds floated above, swirling in the center. Red arches of lightning from the spikes strike out in random directions.

"Alright." Barley began. "But how are we gonna get there? I can't see shit in this darkness."

Spike shined his flashlight, looking around for something that could tell them where they were in the city. The light landed on a newspaper stand a few feet away.

"Look over there. They may have a map of this place." Spike said.

Barley and Spike ran over to the stand, looking around for a map. Before they could find one, a zombie popped up from behind the stand and tried to strike at Spike.

"AHH, Ya prick!" Yelled Spike as he shot it dead with his shotgun.

Looking around the stand some more, Spike found what looked like a map in one of the magazine holders. He grabbed it and took a look where they could be, but the language it was written in looked like scribbles and gibberish.

"Dude, I can't freakin' read this."

Barley tried to read the map and saw a red dot, recognizing it as a possible 'you are here'.

"Alright, I think we're right here where this red dot is." Barley pointed at it. "And the tower is this big purple and white spot here in the center."

"You think so?"

"Dude, I don't know. I'm just taking an educated guess here."

They both heard the sounds of running behind them.

"Wait, did you hear that?"

"Yes I did, mister man."

With that, both Spike and Barley aimed their shotguns toward the sound. Glancing at his shotgun, Barley regretted at least not berating the pony who bedazzled it. 'No time for regrets' Thought Barley. The running soon became faster, and more erratic. Out of the darkness came a light orange pony, with an even more orange mane, her cutie mark showing three carrots.

"OH CELESTIA, PLEASE HELP ME!"

"MADAME, or Mare whatever, OVER HERE!" Shouted Barley.

The orange pony hesitated, but decided that, in the current situation, she would be safer with them. Under normal circumstances she would be wrong, but these are not normal circumstances. She ran up and hid behind Barley.

Barley focused back to the direction she came from, and saw what she was running from. What he and Spike saw will always be, in their minds, absolutely hilarious.

A good distance from them, a pony with gross, misshapen limbs was charging at them. It's limbs were stretched beyond what was considered possible. It's face was flattened, and it's whole body was black. It's charge looked like it was trying to walk with only three legs, yet it was still quite fast.

The reason Spike and Barley found it so funny, however, was that, despite the chaos of it's own body, it managed it keep a top hat and monacle on.

"HAHA, OH MY GOD THAT IS THE FUNNIEST SHIT I HAVE EVER SEEN!" Laughed Barley.

"I know dude!" Spike agreed. "It's like it's going to a fancy party for monsters!"

The orange pony was dumbfounded that the two strange beings would be laughing at a time like this.

"Will you two stop laughing and stop the monster please!? It's almost here!"

"Oh yeah."

Spike and Barley regained their focus and started firing their shotguns. It took some time, but the monster finally fell to the floor and died.

"So" Barley said. "What's your name miss?"

"Golden Harvest. Most people call me Carrot Top."

"Do you think you can tell us what's going on here?"

"All I know is that, before all this happened, there was this giant black spot that overtook the whole city. Then some of the ponies went absolutely insane, and some turned into those horrid monsters like the one you two just killed."

"Yep, that sounds like David."

"Who?" The mare asked.

"Nothing." Barley then pointed behind him. "Keep running in that direction, then run right through the dark wall. You'll be safe there."

"Thank you, by the way." Then, Carrot Top ran.

When she disappeared behind the wall, Spike asked his friend. "I thought you didn't like these ponies, man?"

"I don't." Barley said with a flat tone. "But they're innocent. Besides, I'm having enough fun killing the already dead ones."

Barley looked up and saw a pegasus, flying in erratic circles. He considered it fortune that the other pegasus pony zombies weren't smart enough to use their wings, but this one looked like it was learning. It didn't notice the two of them, but Barley decide to dispose of it before the other pegasus zombies learned how to fly too.

"Hey Spike." He said. "Bet you ten dollars I can hit that zombie up there."

Spike looked up and saw the aforementioned zombie. "You're on."

Barley pulled out his pistol and aimed upwards. He got the head in his sights. He fired, the bullet flying towards its target.

Barley waited for the pegasus to fall back down to earth, but it was still flying its strange pattern. Barley was confused, he was sure he had the right position for the bullet to hit the zombie. He fired again, and again, but no matter how many times he fired, the zombie would still be in the sky.

"Ha, looks like you owe me ten dollars, you tiny man." Gloated Spike.

"Whatever, I'll pay you when we leave." Said Barley. "It's just, I could have sworn I hit the damn thing."

"Maybe you're gettin too old for the job."

"I'm only 22, Spike."

"That's still too old."

"You're older than I am!"

Spike had to think for a moment to counter that.

"That's still too old."

"Fuck off, Spike."

Spike began laughing. "Jeez, no need for that kind of language."

"Let's just get to the damn tower already."

"Waitin' on you, old man."

Barley glared at Spike. "Shut up you idiot."

Spike and Barley had been walking around for hours, trying to get closer to the dark tower in the middle of the city, but due to the illegibility of the map, they couldn't accurately guess if they were ten feet, or ten miles from it. All the while killing zombies they had been running into.

"Dude, we've been walking forever, and we're still no where closer to the damn tower." Spike complained.

"Listen" Barley said "I'm sure if we just go through that alleyway, we'll be able to see a good path to it."

"You said that last time!"

"You wanna try reading this damn map?"

Before he could say anything, Spike noticed movement out of the corner of his eye. He turned to look and saw a pegasus zombie, inching towards them. He drew out his shotgun and shot it, but the zombie was still slowly walking towards them.

"Heh, now who's the one that's too old." Said Barley as he brought out his pistol. He aimed for the head and fired, but the zombie was still walking.

"That's still you, mister man." Taunted Spike.

"Wait a minute, that's the same zombie from before, the one I couldn't kill when it was flying over head."

Spike had a worrying thought. "Do you think David found a way for a zombie to be immune to gunfire?"

"If that were true, then all the zombies would have the same immunity. "Fuck it, I'm just gonna walk up to the damn thing and blow it's head off." Barley put his pistol away and brought out his shotgun.

He walked up to the zombie. He put the barrel of the gun to it's temple, but before he fired, he took note of it's features. It's mane, how little of it there was, was a dirty blonde. while it's eyes, like the other zombies, were a sickly brown, this one's looked almost crossed. It's cutie mark was a series of bubbles.

Barley pulled the trigger, and expected blood to splatter on his face. Instead, the zombie was still standing, now looking directly at Barley.

Barley was horrified. He shot the zombie again, it still standing in silent mocking. He fired again and again. He was almost out of ammo. The zombie, now directly in Barley's face, raised it's claw's.

For the first time in his life, Barley was terrified. There were times when he was scared, times when he thought he was going to die permanently. Never had he felt more certain that he was now.

Barley closed his eyes. He waited for death. Instead, he felt something else, he felt like he was being gripped, like in a hug.

He opened his eyes. He was.

Barley was confused. Scratch that, he was mindfucked. Why was this zombie hugging him? He knew zombie's as souless monsters, looking for food and nothing more. Incapable of feeling anything, other than insatiable hunger. Barley was wondering what he should do. Should he get his knife and start stabbing the zombie? Should he try to escape it's grip, group with Spike and just run? Should he hug it back?

Before he could try any of these plans, the zombie released it's grip. It spoke in a low yet feminine voice.

"My ... name ... Derpy."

Spike ran up to where Barley stood. He aimed his gun at the zombie, and was about fire, when he was stopped when Barley brought his hand up.

"Hold up a minute, dude." Barley said. "I think she's trying to tell us something."

"You ... nice." Derpy continued. "You ... not ...like other ... human ... one who ... made others ... mean."

"How are you speaking?" Barley asked.

"I'm ... too nice ... can't make me ... hurt others."

"I guess that explains why our weapons never seemed to hurt her." Spike said.

"You said something about another human." Barley said. "Can you take us to him?"

"He ... in big tower. Can ... take you ... there."

Derpy slowly turned around, and began trotting in the direction of the tower. After 10 minutes of walking, Spike and Barley found themselves in front of the large doors of the tower, avoiding any zombies in their path.

"He ... in here." Derpy said. "Making ... others mean."

"Thank yo-" But before Spike could finish, Derpy had disappeared.

"That was ... interesting." Spike said. "Well, at least were here."

"Heh, it's kinda funny." Barley said. "It took us two hours to try to read the damn map, yet it took us only ten minutes to actually get to here."

"It actually proves what I said earlier." Spike said.

"What?"

"You're getting so old, you can't read a map."

"I AM GOING TO SHOVE MY KNIFE IN YOUR THROAT IF YOU SAY THAT ONE MORE TIME!"

"Oh, you'd like to shove your knife in m-" Before he could finish, Barley had begun another stab contest. Soon, both were stabbing each other, Barley chasing Spike into the dark tower.

Authors note: Sorry for not updating this for a while. Life gets in the way sometimes. That and ME3.

Heh, me having a life, that's an oxymoron in it's purest definition.