The Courier in Equestria

“OOOOOOHHH GOOOOOOD!” The Courier made a hole half a foot deep and the shape of his body when he impacted the ground. He lifted himself up out of the hole with his arms. “I’m really starting to regret having the Auto Doc put my spine back in, a robot spine would be pretty cool right about now.”

The Courier put a hand to his helmet. “Also the tesla coil brain replacement would be useful right now, Brain, if you ever get taken outta me again, this is an apology for right now in advance.”

He looked around for his things, most of which were weapons. With him was his favorite pistol, Lucky, a black and gold .357 Magnum revolver, his Multiplas rifle, a unique, rare, one of a kind model of a plasma rifle, an Anti-materiel rifle hand crafted by the Gun Runners, a Fat Man capable of firing all different types of mini nukes, also crafted by the Gun Runners, a Bowie knife for close encounters of the dangerous kind, though he was such a good shot the enemy rarely got close enough to the point where he would actually need to use it, 3 Holy Frag Grenades, and quite most importantly the Elite riot gear armor and helmet he was wearing, a life time supply of Rad-X, RadAway, stimpaks and other essential medical supplies, and the Transportalponder,  which had been crushed when the Courier landed on it.

The Courier brought up the world map on his Pip-Boy 3000. “Map unavailable? What go you mean ‘map unavailable’? YOU CONNECT TO PRE-WAR NAV SATTELITES, HOW CAN THE MAP BE UNAVAILABLE?”

He switched to the data section and selected radio; he had no idea why, but he switched it to Radio New Vegas. “And then there suddenly appeared before me, the only one my arms will ever hold, I heard somebody whisper please adore me, and when I looked the moon had turned to gold! Blue moon now I’m no longer alone, without a dream in my heart, without a love of my own!”  The Courier just stood there, questioning how this was possible. “I love this song, but you’ve gotta be kidding me.”

He looked around and saw he was in a forest. “Well, I have been in weirder and creepier places, I’d take anything over the Sierra Madre.” He shivered as he recalled those events. Being trapped in a 200 year-old casino, with 50% of it being covered in a cloud of toxic gas, the other 50% being inhabited by the Ghost People and security holograms, and having to escape the place while wearing a bomb collar that he and 3 other people were wearing, all while following some crazy ass plan thought up by some crazy ass old guy was not a pleasant thing to recall.

He picked a direction and decided to walk in it. “ALLONS-Y!”

“Why did we think we could get a cutie mark in hydra wrangling?” Scootaloo asked Apple Bloom as they ran away from the hydra, a creature with a dragon body and five snake heads.

“It seemed lika good idea at the time!” Apple Bloom replied. “Can you two stop arguing and concentrate on the hydra?” Sweetie Belle said with a hint of agitation in her voice.

“AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!” The three fillies screamed as the hydra slammed one of its heads into the ground in front of them.

“Well this is it girls. Ahm sorry Ah got y’all into this mess, now we’re all gonna die without even gettin’ our cutie marks!” Apple Bloom’s eyes started to tear up as the three Cutie Mark Crusaders cuddled up in a small ball of adorableness.

“It’s okay Apple Bloom,” Sweetie Belle said “We’ve had fun haven’t we?” “Yeah Bloom, we had a good time.” Scootaloo said, sadness in her voice.

The Courier walked through the forest singing along to the songs on the radio, which some how still worked wherever he was. “I got spurs that jingle jangle jingle, as I go ridin’ merrily along, and they sing 'Oh ain't ya glad you're single'

and that song ain't so very far from wrong.”

“AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!” The Courier heard off in the distance. “Wait, that was screaming, where there’s screaming there’s people, where there’s screaming people there’s danger, and where there’s people in danger there’s the Courier to shoot, disintegrate, and blow the danger into tiny bits!”

The Courier followed the sound of the scream, which brought him to a clearing in a bog, what he see saw confuzzled him greatly, there, in the clearing, were three miniature horses, a pale yellow one with a red mane and tail and a pink tie in its mane, an orange one with wings and a purple mane and tale, and a white one with a horn and a light purple and pink mane and tale, all huddled up in a ball in front of a big, five headed… thing. The Courier, not one to sit idly by while crime and injustice were going unpunished, thought up the stupidest plan of his twenty five year long existence.

“Hey! You’re so fat that when you broke your arm gravy came ou-OHHH SHIIIIIIIIT” The Courier was smacked to the ground by one of the heads on the five-headed thing.

“Tis but a scratch.” He pulled out the Anti-materiel rifle and loaded it with explosive rounds; he had to stop this thing from killing the three little embodiments of adorableness.

“AAAAAAHHHH!!!” The three little fillies screamed as one of the heads of the hydra exploded in gory meaty chunks.

“What just happened?” Scootaloo asked in shock and horror.

“Ah don’t know!” Apple Bloom said, as confused as she was frightened.

“WHO CARES? JUST RUN!” The two other fillies heeded Sweetie Belle’s words of wisdom.

The Courier stepped out of the bushes, well it was more like a poorly maintained shrubbery, and stood in the most badass pose ever.

The three adorable, little… things stopped dead in their tracks.

The three fillies stared in awe at the weird thing that stood on its hind legs before them. It had glowing red eyes held a long metal tube in its right claw and a metal cylinder on its left, it looked down upon them with its bright red glowing eyes.

“What are you?” The Courier asked, not being able to think of anything better to say.

The orange one with wings was the first one to speak. “By Celestia that was awesome! You just came outta nowhere and saved us! That’s just so cool and awesome and cool and,” The white one with the horn put a hoof over the orange ones mouth. “Scootaloo! Be quiet! It blew up the hydra, what makes you think it wont do the same to us?!”

The yellow one spoke next. “Ah think if it wanted to blow us all up it woulda done it by now.” The Courier laughed at the yellow ones southern accent, thinking it was the most adorably hilarious thing he had ever heard.

“What makes you think I would do that?” The three cutest things in the universe stopped arguing and looked up at him.

“You can talk?” The white horned one looked up at him with its mouth agape.

“I was just about to ask you the same thing.”

“Are ya gonna blow us all up?”  The yellow southern one asked.

“Why would I go through the trouble of saving you all just to kill you later?”

The orange one spoke up. “Because you’re an alien that’s been sent here to steal our brains and invade the planet?” She looked at him as if it was the most obvious thing in the universe.

“Not an alien, besides, if I was, why would I want your brains?” The Courier crossed his arms.

“Fine then, you’re not an alien.” She said in defeat

“So, uh, what are your names?”

“Ah’m Apple Bloom!” The southern yellow one said.

“Scootaloo!” The orange one buzzed her tiny adorable wings, lifting herself a foot into the air.

“And I’m Sweetie Belle.” Said the white horned one.

“AND TOGETHER WE’RE THE CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS!” The three said in unison.

The Courier grinned inside his helmet at the sheer adorableness.

“So we told ya our names, now you tell us yours.” Apple Bloom demanded.

“They call me the Courier of the Mojave Wasteland.” He said with a hint of pride and badassery in his voice.

“What’s a mohayve wasteland?” Scootaloo asked.

“It’s where I’m from, it used to be called the Mojave Desert, but now it’s called the Mojave Wasteland.”

“It’s pronounced moe ha vay Scoots.” Sweetie belle corrected.

“Yeah, whatever.”

“So why’s it not called the Mojave Desert anymore?” Sweetie asked.

“If I’m gonna tell you we better start heading to wherever it is you’re going.”

“We live in Ponyviille, it’s north of here.”

“War. War never changes.  When atomic fire consumed the earth, those who survived did so in great, underground vaults. When they opened, the newfags set out across ruins of the old world to build new societies, establish new villages, form new tribes.

As decades passed, what had been the American southwest united beneath the flag of the New California Republic, dedicated to old-world values of democracy and the rule of law, and screwing people over by taking their land and money. As the Republic grew, so did its needs. Scouts spread east, seeking territory and wealth, in the dry and merciless expanse of the Mojave Desert. They returned with tales of a city untouched by the warheads that had butt raped the rest of the world, and a huge ass wall spanning the Colorado River.

The NCR mobilized its army of poorly trained and poorly payed soldiers and sent it east to occupy the Hoover Dam, and restore it to working condition. But across the Colorado, another society had arisen under a different flag. A vast army of slaves, rapists, murderers, and other different types of not nice douchebags, forged in the conquest of 86 tribes: Caesar's Legion.

Four years have passed since the Republic held that huge ass Dam - just barely - against the Legion's onslaught. The Legion did not retreat. Across the river, they gathered strength. Campfires burned, training drums beat, like the campers they are.

Through it all, the New Vegas Strip has stayed open for business under the control of its mysterious overseer, Mr House, and his army of rehabilitated Tribals and police robots, because hey, even when the world has gone to shit, theyre's still gonna be some rich dickhead trying to scam poor people out of their money.

I was a courier, hired by the Mojave Express, to deliver a package to the New Vegas Strip. What seemed like a simple delivery job had taken a turn… for the seriously deep pile of shit.”

The three fillies walked next to him with their adorable little mouths open.

“What happened?” Scootaloo asked.

“What happened? I was shot in the head and buried in a shallow grave, I woulda been dead if it wasn’t for Victor.”

Apple Bloom butted in. “Hang on there jus’ a minute, Ah don’t know what ya got shot in yer head with, but Ah’m 95% sure you’d be dead.”

“So was I, can I finish my story now? Good. So as I was saying,” The Courier was cut off one again, this time by Sweetie Belle.

“Who’s Victor?”

“A cowboy robot, now can I plea,”

This time Scootaloo interrupted. “What’s a cowboy?”

The Courier had the sound of agitation in his voice. “A person who rides horses and has a lasso, now can I please finish my story?”

High above on a cloud, Rainbow Dash, the fastest flyer in Equestria, was snoozing on a cloud when she was awoken to the sound of laughing fillies. She poked her head over the side of the cloud. She saw the CMC walking out of the Everfree Forest, now Rainbow Dash, being the responsible mare she is flew down towards them.

“Hey! What do you kids think your doing in the Everfree Forest? Don’t you know how dangerous it is in there?”

Scootaloo being Rainbow Dash’s number one fan was the first one of the three to speak up. “Uh, we’re not doing anything, why would you think we’re doing anything?”

The Courier came walking out of the forest. “Is that a cyan coated pegasus with a rainbow mane and tail?”

Rainbow Dash flew as fast as she could into the Courier, knocking him down.

The Courier pulled out his bowie knife in self-defense of course, he didn’t actually want to hurt the most awesomest pony in all of Equestria. He dodged her hooves as they tried to punch his perfectly chiseled lady magnet of a face, which was protected by his super awesome helmet of badassery, when suddenly a loud roar came out of the forest. Both the Courier and Rainbow Dash stopped their battle of the ages and turned to face the new threat. It was a manticore, a creature with the head of a lion, the body of a dragon, and the tail of a scorpion.

“ATTACK!!!” The Courier yelled as he fired off bullets in the direction of the manticore. It roared tried to stab the Courier with its tail.

“RUN AWAY!!!”