With A Little Help From My Friends

Five days of being the second in command of Equestria's forces, I hate my life already. Not that it's worse than being stuck at home with nothing to do and no one to see. Nah, this is a dream compared to that. However, the fact that I just can't seem to sway the blue-haired, dimwitted, shit-for-brains of a brother Twilight has into making some simple changes in the defense network of the castle and of the rest of Canterlot really pisses me off.

This stupid motherfucker has put FIFTY PERCENT of our guards either at or within a kilometer of the train station. Do you know how much fifty percent is out of one thousand guards is? Let me just tell you, it's a lot, fucking FIVE HUNDRED. Guards that should be patrolling the streets of the city and the castle in search of any kind of suspicious activity, which is EXACTLY what they were doing before the threat was made, not doing that anymore. Better put them all at one location which wouldn't make a whole lot of sense to attempt invasion from, it's not even slightly practical considering the castle is so far from the station, not to mention on the side of a Goddamned mountain just to top it all off. There are supposed to be at least one hundred and fifty guards at the castle at all times, but right now, there are less than eighty. It seems like we're losing them in tens on a daily basis. What I've been told is that there's a flu of some kind going around that the guards seem to conveniently get in groups of ten a day. The rest of the guards have either been sent to other parts of Equestria to 'scout for intelligence' or are already on sick leave.

Part of me wants there to be an invasion so Shitting Asstard can get fired or something. But as it stands, I'm taking one last attempt to talk some sense into him by using an outside source.

GOTTA TALK TO THE PUSSY SUPPLIER. IT'S A DIRECT LINE TO A MAN'S TRAIN OF THOUGHT.

A train of thought which I must derail using another tactical freight train of common fucking sense.

"Come in." Spoke the voice of the princess. I opened the door slowly and walked inside, several different mannequins wearing different dresses and suits were scattered throughout the room caught my vision immediately.

Why are there suits? And some of these don't even look like they'd fit her.

Maybe she sews?

The only princesses who sew are Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty.

Oh just shut up, that's not relevant right now.

"You wanted to speak with me, Captain?" Cadence asked, turning to face me. Her expression looked particularly unamused, like I'd caught her just before she was going to have a nice half-hour or so with a particularly large cucumber and I was interrupting.

I'd turn into a miffed, pretty pink princess of love if I were being interrupted just before jerking it too.

"Have I come at a bad time? I can come back later." I asked just in case I really was stopping her from something.

"You have, so make it quick."

Gee, what a cunt.

I guess you did interrupt her afternoon masturbation habits.

"Well, I just wanted to speak with you about your husband, and the impact the stress of the upcoming wedding may be having on him." I stated.

"I'm listening." She prodded, she looked considerably more interested now.

"You see, your husband has been making some very..."

Stupid as fuck, dumb as shit, pants-on-head retarded, bat-shit insane, fucking ridiculous...

"Poor... Decisions about the security details for the wedding, as well as taking into account the threat made against the capital."

"What does this have to do with me?"

"I'm asking you, out of your own personal interest in your safety as well as the success of your wedding day, to ask your husband to either at least consider my ideas and suggestions when speaking on the matter of guard assignment, considering that is my job, or, to allow me to have control over Canterlot's security until the wedding is over." Upon the completion of my sentence, she looked absolutely horrified that I would ask of her such a large task.

"My husband is more than capable of commanding our forces! I would think he has more say in the matter than you do, as he is your superior for a reason." She snapped, looking as though I had just called her first born baby a fugly little mule upon it's birth.

"My husband"
not your husband yet
2011 + 2
using bombs this unwisely

"Once again, this is for your own safety. What if our five hundred guards patrolling the train station are just too far away to heed a call to arms when the invading forces come from the south of the castle while the protective shield is down during one of your husband-to-be's migraines? Let me just tell you, that would make for a pretty terrible wedding day." I replied with as little acid in my voice as I could.

I don't like this non-acidic shit. Need to have all the venom, make sure she dies from the poison.

Gee, aren't we nice today?

Oh come on, she's a cunt, I'm fairly certain no one (that we care about) would miss her much.

Meh, I suppose.

"The south of the castle?" She asked looking quite intrigued, losing all the rage she formerly held in her expression.

Huh?

"... Yes...?"

The hell is she so concerned for that?

"I need to be alone. Leave me." She replied almost immediately turning away from me, looking out of the south window.

You need to be alone... You need... To be... Alone?...

. . .

YOU NEED TO GO FUCK YOURSELF YOU STUPID SHIT I SWEAR I WILL BEAT YOU TO AN INCH OF YOUR LIFE WITH MY PENIS, YOU WILL BE TELEPORTED INTO A WORLD OF UNBEARABLE PAIN FASTER THAN YOU CAN SAY "FUCK ME HARDER SHINING". I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW I GRADUATED AT THE TOP OF MY CLASS IN THE NAVY FUCKING SEALS AND HAVE OVER THREE HUNDRED CONFIRMED KILLS IN THE LINE OF FUCKING DUTY. YOU BETTER START PREPARING YOURSELF FOR THE FIRESTORM OF MY RAGE MOTHERFUCKER, YOUR SHIT IS TOAST.

"As you wish then." I said through bared teeth, holding back what I truly wanted to say. I turned my back to her and left the room, trying to not stomp my feet or slam the door so hard it shattered into a million splinters of wood or take my sword in hand and strike this stupid bitch down where she stood. I closed the door softly behind me, walking past the two guards outside the door and down the hallway.

Are we clear yet?

Almost... Two more steps and... Go.

"FUCKING I SWEAR TO GOD I'M GONNA SHOVE THIS SWORD UP THEIR ASSES REAL QUICK IF THEY KEEP PULLING THIS FUCKING BULLSHIT GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!" I shouted in hopes that Princess Cuntbag and Shitting Assnuggets wouldn't hear, although part of me wanted them to.

"... So now I'm legitimately considering seppuku as an effective means of relieving myself of duty." I spoke into the microphone as the volume went up and down to fit perfectly. The courtyard was rather peaceful outside of the occasional loud feedback from the monitors that would scare away the many birds and other animals that were frolicking rather peacefully.

"Keep talking, I'm not done yet." Vinyl stated, flicking more switches and writing down numbers with labels using her magic "But really, why did you take on that job anyway if you knew it was gonna be such a shit position?"

"I didn't kn-AAAAAAAAGH!!" I yelled as the microphone gave a loud screech of feedback, causing a dozen or so birds to fly out of a nearby tree into the purple tinted midday sky.

"Sorry, keep going."

"I took the job because I felt I didn't have a choice in the matter." I told her.

"But you said she offered you a choice."

"You know how when the draft is going on you can't just refuse? That's kinda what I thought was going on."

"As in you would prefer getting fucked up the ass by these two than getting fucked up the ass by prison inmates." Vinyl smirked as she peered over her shades.

"Funny." I scoffed back at her, I would have laughed at her joke too, but she wasn't the one who was getting fucked up the ass, as she put it.

I bet you'd like to be literally fucked up the ass.

Why the fuck are you still here? Go to fucking bed or something.

"Really though, what did you expect? You're a vice, you would be taking orders, or, you know, cock, if we want to keep up with the metaphor."

"I thought I'd at least have a say in how hard and deep they were going to be thrusting so it wouldn't be an all-out rape." I replied.

"Alright, that mic's fine, move onto the next one." She said scribbling onto her notepad.

"You have the next one." I stated.

"Oh, so I do." She said, levitating it off of the sound board, twirling it and placing it back down "Anyway, I wouldn't worry too much about it, it's just two more days, you'll get through."

"Yes, soon I'll be free." I replied with a sigh as I got off the stage. Vinyl came up to meet me halfway between the booth and the platform.

"So, we all done here?" She asked.

"Eeyarp, would seem so."

"Woo! Lunchtime!" She exclaimed standing on her hind hooves for a brief moment, regained her proper footing and started galloping towards the castle, but before she could go too far, she turned back to me "Or, are you going back on duty?"

Awwww, she's looking at you with the puppy-dog eyes through the shades, that's so cuuuuuuuuuuute!

She really gets upset when I have to go to work.

Cuz she likes you man.

I don't think it's just that.

Do we have to go back on duty?

I think so, we just sacrificed lunch to come here and do this.

Well fuck those guys, not like we have things to do, go have lunch with her!

I don't know...

Just go you stupid shit, you can't really get fired or anything, just go!

"You know what? I do." I replied.

"Oh... Well... That's okay I j-"

"But fuck those guys, I want to have lunch with my friend." I interrupted as I moved closer to her.

"Wait, really? Are you sure you won't get punished or anything for this? I'm not gonna let you get thrown in jail or something cuz you wanted to have lunch with me." She replied.

"We both know that's not true, I know for a fact you need a second plate of food to steal things off of." I told her with a smirk, leading her towards the castle.

"You know me too well, I'm telling Tavi you stalk me."

"Oh please, we live together, we pretty much stalk each other involuntarily. Also, I don't recall ever coming into your bedroom and waiting for you to wake up so you can have breakfast. I'd call that pretty stalker-like."

"But that's different, because you don't want us to get a cat or a dog, I have to fill the position, and that position is to wake you up so you can get me breakfast!"

"You'd probably wake me anyway." I replied, I opened the door for her, letting her inside first. She stopped in the doorway for a moment.

"Whaaaaaat? I'd would never do something like that, what kind of girl do you take me for?" She said sarcastically with a snicker, flicking her tail into my face as she passed, earning me two peculiar glances from the guards stationed inside the doorway.

"What the hell are you two looking at?" I asked as both guards straightened up immediately upon hearing my question. I walked on after Vinyl, not looking back at the two guards, not even once I heard their chuckles upon my disappearance in the hallway.

Gee, that loss of context.

How did she even know to do that?

She's good man, you should marry her.

She's spoken for, and a pony.

Become a pony, marry her and her partner. I see no problems here.

You're a twat.

So you agree I'm correct?

Fuck off (yes).

It was an excellent decision on my part to take an extra-long lunch break with Vinyl. We talked, laughed, ate, and were generally merry all around. At one point Celestia walked in and I expected to be told to go back to work. However, she didn't question me as to why I wasn't back on duty. It may have been because I appeared to be having so much fun with my friend, but it's more likely that she simply didn't notice, which is fine by me.

"Say, have you seen Matt or Paul in the last couple of days?" She asked me, taking a sip of her drink through a straw.

"Nope, I've hardly seen anyone or pony outside of my 'boss'." I replied with air-quotes.

"That's pretty weird, I haven't either. They haven't been in their rooms and they're definitely not around."

"What's the last thing you did with them?"

"That prank where you had to save our butts."

"Oh right, when they became French and... Chinese?"

"Yeah, that day. Haven't seen them since."

"That's pretty weird." I stated.

Where do you think they are?

Fucked if I know. Probably exploring the town.

For days?

I wouldn't really put that past them, but then again, they would tell me about something like that.

Weird...

Yeah...

"So, anything suspicious in the princess' room?" Vinyl asked "Any sex toys just lying around or muffled yelling from the closet?"

"Well... She did have a lot of ponyquinns around. Like... With suits and stuff, but for males. Just a bit odd." I said putting down my fork.

"She sews... Maybe? It's a little weird to make guy's clothes, unless it was for the hubbie."

"They're not even remotely his size. Let alone colours."

"That's also fairly strange."

"Mhmm." I said looking around the room as discreetly as I could, being not at all discreet in any way "I don't know what's up with this princess, but I don't think she's who she claims she is."

"How do you figure?" She asked, leaning in a bit.

"If she's supposed to be some kind of princess of love, then why's she such a bitch?"

"Wedding stress? I dunno, girls man."

"It can't even be that. Have you seen her use her magic?"

"No, why? She sucks dick at magic? Well, I mean, I know she sucks dick but..."

"No, it's not even the same colour as her eyes. Let alone like any kind of magic I've ever seen."

"How so?" She prodded, I looked around the room again, I leaned in closer as well.

"You know how magic is usually kinda transparent? Like stained glass almost?" I asked in a low voice.

"Right?"

"Her magic is green, and completely opaque. It envelops her entire horn in this green shape. Sometimes it makes her horn look black and crooked, but it's just for a second."

"Maybe she's using some kind of other magic to colour it? Or something? Some ponies do that but it's not opaque at all. The colour hardly ever shows because it's not easy to do."

"I don't know. I just... Don't feel-" At that moment, the door to the dining hall creaked open.

inb4 its her

"Captain Jimmy, Princess Cadence has requested your presence." A pegasus guard stated, taking a few steps closer.

Called it.

It wasn't her.

No, but it's her request, therefore her.

"Where is she then?" I asked, Vinyl looked rather upset all of a sudden. I knew exactly why.

"She's in her room. She said its urgent." The guard replied. I sighed and stood up from the table.

"Any idea what its about, other than an... Urgent, matter?" I continued.

"Not a clue sir."

No shit, he's a footsoldier.

Fair enough.

"Vinyl, it was great talking with you. Let's try this tomorrow, okay?" I asked before leaving her on her own. She simply nodded in reply with a brief smile. I tried to smile back, but couldn't seem to bring myself to do so. With that, I left and made my way to the princess of bitchyness' room.

I opened the door to her room for the second time today, entering as quietly as possible, and closing the door behind me in the same manner. Something was off. Very off. The curtains were closed. Candles with green flames provided the only dim light inside the room. They all appeared to be floating. I put one hand on the hilt of my sword, ready to draw it at any moment as I took a few steps forward. My boot collided with something in front of me, it was hard and felt like hard wax. I stepped over it as best I could and continued forward. More candles lit in a circle around me, floating in the air almost out of my reach.

"You seem afraid." A female voice spoke. It wasn't like Cadence's. It was deeper, almost more sinister. Possibly a bit seductive.

"Cadence, what are you doing and where are you?" I asked, looking around, my left hand firmly grasped upon the hilt of my sheathed weapon.

"Me? I'm not doing anything currently." I heard Cadence say "But my question to you is this:"

I'm gonna bail out right now. I suggest you do the same unless you want to die. SEE YA!

WH-WHAT?! DAMMIT! I DON'T NEED THIS RIGHT NOW! GET BACK HERE!

"Has anyone ever told you just how observant you are? Or even acknowledged how intelligent you are?" She asked. I kept my answer of 'no' to myself.

"Because you seem to be both of those things!" She continued in an almost bubbly voice.

"Cadence, I suggest showing yourself very soon." I spoke with audible shakiness.

"Why would you want me to do that? I don't think you want me to do that. You wouldn't even recognize me if I did." She teased. I drew my sword, holding the hilt with both hands.

"You're not Cadence at all, are you?!" I asked in a terribly wimpy yell, so much for being courageous in the face of my enemy. The first voice from earlier chuckled.

"You've finally made yourself sure of it." She stated.

The candles around me exploded in a blast of green, making me drop to the floor, covering my head with my hands. I quickly stood up, sword once again in hand. In front of me, an insect-like pony filled with holes stood just a few feet away. It was black as night, the colour of her mane was hard to tell against the green light of the room.

I screamed as I ran towards the abomination, with my sword raised and ready to strike. I brought the weapon down with all of my might, but before it could make contact, the thing's horn lit up in a green that matched the room and shot a beam of energy at my hand, reversing the direction of my swing, making me fall backwards. I stood up again and tried a horizontal swing from my right, but she countered with her own hoof, knocking the blade out of my hand, across the room, embedding itself in a ponyquinn. I ran towards where it had landed, only to have a wall of green flame rise in front of me. I skidded to a halt, almost falling into the flames, mere inches from my face.

"A blade has no strength if the hand holding it has no courage." She chuckled "You are supposed to be one of Equestria's greatest heroes? PATHETIC."

A blast of magic shot towards me, I quickly took my shield from my back and held it out in front of me. As the blast hit, I was knocked off balance, almost into the flames again. She chuckled as she continued to fire at me. The blasts missed me for the most part, the couple that hit my shield almost knocked me over.

RETREAT DAMMIT, WE'VE GOT NOTHING AGAINST THIS THING, WE HAVE TO WARN EVERYONE NOW.

I ran towards the door, but just before I could reach it I heard a hawk and spit, followed by the sensation of falling to the ground. I looked at my foot, now covered in some kind of slime, like super glue. She walked towards me, chuckling again. She stood directly over me.

"Where is your precious Celestia now, hmm?" She asked "Or what about your friends? Oh, that's right. They're already here."

"Wh--" I tried to ask, as my eye caught the corner of the room. Two green cocoons made of some alien material stood there, motionless.

She laughed uproariously, my anger grew and boiled over all in the matter of a couple of seconds. I took my shield in both hands and smacked that ugly smile off of her face, making her stumble back and hold a hoof to her muzzle. I struggled, trying to free my foot from the green slime that covered it, but before any progress could be made, I felt a scaly mass hit my head back down onto the floor. She stood over me once again, this time standing on both of my arms, staring me down from above. Her head was so close to my own I could smell her breath, it smelt like blood.

"Normally what I would do to something as disgusting a creature as you is kill you, especially after what you have done. But instead, I'm going to make you into one of my slaves and have you do my bidding."

"FUCK YOU YOU UGLY SACK OF SHIT, I'LL FUCKING RIP YOUR EYES OUT OF YOUR SKULL!" I screamed in her face.

"I'm not frightened by you, because I know you won't ever get the chance. However, I'm sure you'll enjoy doing that to your precious Vinyl, or her marefriend." She spoke, with a vicious smile creeping onto her face. My eyes widened in terror.

"Or perhaps maybe your favourite princess... Luna." She finished.

Her horn lit up in a bright green glow, as did her eyes. I couldn't move as she touched her horn onto my head. I felt ill. I wanted to throw up. I felt my consciousness slipping away as I struggled to keep my eyes open.