With A Little Help From My Friends

I burst through the large wooden door, almost taking it with me into the house, slamming it behind me immediately after. I saw Matt appear next to the stairs to the second floor from the dining room.

“Hey Jimmy, where you been al-”

“CAN’T TALK NOW. MUST LUNA.” I interrupted him as I bolted up the stairs faster than that one black guy from the Olympics.

All I know is that he would be the best petty thief in the world.

Why?

He’s the fastest man in the world.

So? Hold on… Wait a Goddamn m-

HE’S BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!

I arrived at the top of the stairs, skidding on the carpet at the top nearly sending myself flying back down the stairs headfirst. Luckily, I held onto the railing tightly, flinging myself around the corner with all the strength in my right arm.

Heh, built up from fap-

SHUT UP.

“Warned you about stairs bro!” Matt shouted in reply.

“SHUT UP.”

I flung open my bedroom door, hearing a weak creaking noise as it slammed into the wall and back towards its closed position.

Goddamnit, I’m no handyman, I won’t be able to fix that.

Nigger, it creaked.

So?

Get some WD-40 on the motherfucker!

Ahh, you speak wise words!

ANCIENT CHIRESE SECRET! Now run along! You have Lunas to find!

Yes indeed I do.

“Luna!? Luna you here?!” I yelled as I threw the sheets off my bed, hoping that she would be under them through some miracle or the other. I moved towards the closet door and flung it open to find nothing but clothing on hangars and two pairs of shoes on the floor.

“Luna?!” I yelled again hoping she would appear out of nowhere like she had this morning.

Wait a minute.

What?

She appeared in the bathroom this morning, right?

… Yeah…?

IF I WAIT IN THE BATHROOM, SHE’LL APPEAR AGAIN!

No she won’t y-

LUUUUUUNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

Well you go have fun, enjoy.

I ran out of my bedroom, yanking the door open as hard as I could again, a loud thump resounded throughout the house as the door was newly acquainted with his soon-to-be best friend, the wall. I quickly found myself in the second floor bathroom, not bothering to open the door this time due to its open state.

Lucky door.

“Luuuunaaaaa~…” I called as I looked around the small bathroom playfully as though I knew that she was hiding behind the completely open shower curtain.

“Jimmy, what in the flying blueberry FUCK muffins are you doing?” Matt asked as he poked his head into the bathroom slowly with the most confused expression he was capable of making.

“Looking for Luna.” I replied as I pulled the shower curtain closed and then suddenly opened it again in hopes of the blue alicorn appearing in front of me.

“Dude, she left this morning just after you nearly broke the door on your way to Rarity’s.” He said as he put a hand on my left shoulder as though signalling me to stop trying to tear the shower curtain. Naturally, I didn’t take this hint. Why would he want me to stop? It’s a stupid looking curtain anyway. I briefly stopped and turned my head to look at him.

“I don’t see your point.” I replied.

Dumbass, she’s not here.

“Dumbass, she’s not here.” Matt stated.

Oh… That’s what he was getting at… Shit.

“Oh… Right...” I replied as I let go of the shower curtain.

“Why? What’s up? You okay?” He asked.

Nope.

Nope.

“Yeah, I’m fine, just wanted to know where she went, that’s all.” I said as I left the bathroom, patting him on the back as I headed back to my room, closing the bedroom door softly behind me as I entered.

I didn’t bother to undress and put on different clothes, I was tired, all I could think about was how tired I was. But that wasn’t entirely true. There was something else on my mind. It was… Her.

I fell onto my bed face first, I decided to turn over onto my back, but not before noticing the guitar still strapped to my back. I groaned as I got up again and took off the guitar, leaning it against the wall and flopping back onto the bed.

“Ughhhh… Luna…” I said groggily as my consciousness slowly drifted away…

The full moon shone brightly in the night sky, complimented by the millions, or possibly billions, of stars that twinkled softly. In the distance ahead of me was a lone tree that stood in front of a large lake. The reflection of the sky shimmered off the surface of the lake.

I took a few steps forward, not truly knowing why. Something about the setting intrigued me in a peculiar way. Not only was it one of the most beautiful sights I had seen in my life, but I felt there was more to it than what I could immediately see, it gnawed at me.

Don’t suppose that’s why?

Huh, guess it is.

I stood a few feet away from the tree near the edge of the lake. I looked up to the full moon hanging above the water, taking in its luminous glow. All of a sudden I felt a presence at my side. I turned my gaze from the moon above to the Princess of the Night herself at my side, facing me. She was smiling. I found myself smiling back without a second thought or questioning what she was smiling about. She stepped closer and sat on the grass next to me, gazing out at the lake. I followed suit and sat down as well. After a few moments, she leaned over and rested her head on my shoulder, closing her eyes. I didn’t mind. It was… Nice.

Luna giggled softly; I looked to her as she lifted her head from my shoulder. She extended a hoof to me, still smiling the same smile she had had on her face the whole time. I slowly took her hoof in my hand. I suddenly felt the ground slipping away from underneath me; I looked below me to see the ground was getting further and further from my bottom. My legs now dangled freely in the air, I looked to Luna and saw that her wings were flapping, propelling us off the ground and into the night sky.

Another hoof took hold of my hand. I looked to the hoof then back to Luna’s face. She nodded to me slowly and suddenly let go of my hand. I flailed wildly in panic as I floated in mid-air next to Luna. I suddenly realised that I wasn’t falling once I heard Luna’s giggling once again. I stopped throwing my limbs around for a moment to look at her. She looked so pretty with the night sky behind her.

Luna took my hand in her hoof once again and nodded to me, her calm smile still adorning her face. I nodded in return even though I didn’t know what awaited me next. Before I could ask her what we were going to do however, we had started gliding through the air over the lake which I now found to be much larger than just a lake. It was more like an ocean. An ocean that reflected the night sky, making it appear as though there were two open seas of stars that we flew over and through.

She pulled me closer to herself, close enough that we were now embracing each other tightly. She looked me in the eyes as I looked into her own. She closed her eyes slowly as her face closed in on my own…

WEE-WOO! WEE-WOO! WEE-WOO! CAPTAIN! THE SHIP IS UNDER ATTACK!

OH SHIT!! I HAVE TO ORDER THE TROOPS TO THEIR STATIONS!!

I suddenly sprang up to an upright sitting position and looked around the room for the source of the oddly voice-like alarm that was going off only a moment ago. We were under attack, no doubtedly by the pirates in the area, or if things were at their worst, the pirates and the Imperials. We’d have to scramble all our fighters immediately to provide cover while we make the jump to hyperspace.

Wait a fuckin’ minute.

BAHAHAHAHA!! GOT’CHA BITCH!!

Suddenly I realised I was not Admiral Jimmy of the Rebel Alliance as I groaned in disappointment. That shit would've been awesome. Even if I was about to die because the ship's sheilds were already down to thirty percent.

Fuck you man, I was having a good dream.

Oh come on, that was funny!

I rubbed my eyes and lay back down for a moment, breathing a sigh of relief that my ship was not actually under Imperial or pirate assault.

I kind of wish it was…

Yeah, that’d be awesome, commanding groups of space fighters and stuff would be pretty fuckin’ cool.

Indeed… Oh well. I need nourishment, and cider sounds pretty damn delicious right about now.

Bro, you remember any of your dream?

Yeah… A little.

What was going on again?

I think I was with Luna, we were flying around or… Something…

… Something? What kinda something? Is it a sexy kinda something?

Oh screw off, no it wasn’t.

I distinctly remember her moving really close to you; as if she was gonna kiss you.

No you don’t.

No I don’t.

That’s not the dream you’re looking for.

That’s not the dream I’m looking for.

I can go about getting some motherfucking delicious cider.

You can go about getting some motherfucking delicious cider.

Move along.

Move along. Move along.

After successfully using the Jedi mind trick on myself, I exited my room and took my time in going down the stairs to the foyer. After reaching the foyer, I heard laughter from the kitchen. It was the kind of laughter that comes from being told that the girl you’ve had a crush on for a few months wants to go out with you.

Upon entering the kitchen, I found Matt and Paul with their hands on over their mouths in an attempt to hide their wide open mouth smiles while failing to maintain their composure. At the kitchen table sat a small purple dragon. On the table was a glass with water and two scrolls, both of which were opened.

“Hey there Spike, what’s got these two pissing themselves?” I asked nonchalantly.

“Hey Jimmy, check out these letters and you’ll see.” He replied as he took the two letters in his claws and handed them to me.

“There a specific order I should read them?” I asked as I took them.

“Oh yeah, this one first,” He said as he put a clawed finger on the letter with frilly pink designs adorning the borders of the paper “And then this one.”

GAHHHHH IT’S SO GAY LOOKING LOOK AT THIS GAY PINK AND GOLD SHIT I MEAN WHO THE FUCK WOULD WRITE US A LETTER WITH SUCH A QUEER LOOKING BORDER?!

Princess Celestia.

Oh that makes sense then. Carry on.

“Princess Celestia cordially invites you to the wedding of Princess Miamore Cadenza and Captain Shining Armour of the Royal Eq-” I read aloud.

“YEAH YEAH, THAT’S DOESN’T MATTER!!” Matt shouted as he snatched the invitation from my hand and scrunched it into a ball and immediately shoved it into his mouth.

“Read this one! Read this one!” Paul said excitedly as he grabbed the other letter from the ground and handed it to me upside down. After turning the letter right-side up, I read the letter aloud.

“Dear Jimmy, Matt, Paul, Octavia and Vinyl,

I hope you all are as excited as I am about the upcoming wedding in Canterlot this week…”

“YOU BET YOUR ASS WE ARE!!” Matt shouted as he finished eating the wedding invitation, licking his fingers.

“As you all know, at weddings, music is a staple that must be present throughout the event. With that, I would like to request that you and your friends provide the music for the reception.”

“ISN’T THAT FUCKING AWESOME?!” Matt yelled as he attempted to snatch the letter from my hand again.

“It is, but could I finish reading this one before you eat this too?” I asked as I held the paper behind me in a feeble attempt to keep the parchment-eater away from it.

“NO!! IT TASTES LIKE RAINBOWS AND SUNSHINE AND I WANT MORE!! GIMME!!” He shouted as he grabbed at the letter, wrenching it from my hand and shoving it in his mouth without even bothering to ball it up this time. I quickly grabbed the part of the letter that was still on the outside of his mouth and snatched it before he could eat the part I had not read yet. Luckily, he had only managed to eat the greeting. I scanned the paper for the last thing I read as Matt happily munched on the paper that was in his mouth.

“You realise that Spike basically belches those letters out, right?” Paul asked Matt with a concerned look on his face. Matt stopped chewing for a moment as his eyes widened in horror. He stared at the floor blankly as he was no doubtedly questioning his next course of action in his head. Eventually he shrugged and continued to eat the parchment.

“Wow.” Spike said flatly.

“He’s like that sometimes.” Paul stated.

“Ah, here we go.” I said as I finally found the last few words I read.

“I hope that you five are up to the task. We shall pay you all for your efforts at the end of the ceremony. Also, do not worry about transporting your equipment all the way to Canterlot, I have dispatched a few of the guard to help transport the equipment there.

I hope to see you all soon.

Yours, Princess Celestia.”

“Can I have it now?” Asked Matt with puppy dog eyes. I sighed and handed him the letter as he bit the parchment and proceeded to impersonate the Cookie Monster as he ate the paper, movements and all.

“So what time are the guards supposed to get here?” I asked as I turned to Paul.

“DONE PACKING!” Shouted the voice of Vinyl as she entered the kitchen. “So where the off-duty royal guards at?”

“They are on duty, they’re coming here.” Paul replied.

“Exactly. So where the off-duty royal guards at?” She asked again as she took a seat next to Spike.

“They’re here, Vinyl.” Octavia said as she poked her head into the kitchen as two considerably large pegasus guards as well as a unicorn headed downstairs to the basement.

“Cool. Time to go!” Vinyl said as she clapped her front hooves together, getting off the chair afterwards.

“Uhh, the rest of us have to pack too.” I stated.

“Don’t care~!” She shouted as she exited the kitchen and followed the guards to the basement. Octavia sighed.

“I guess I should go pack Vinyl’s things as well as my own.” She said as she trotted downstairs as well.

“Alright then, let’s be ready within an hour, half an hour if you can manage it.” I said as I took a mug from a nearby cupboard and placed it on the counter.

“We’re already packed, man.” Paul replied.

“Is that so? Well then, give me about forty-five minutes or so and I’ll be ready to go.” I replied as I took the jug of cider from the fridge and poured the delicious golden liquid into the wooden mug. “In the meantime, help out Vinyl and the guards with the transport of the instruments, eh?”

“Yeah, sure.” Paul replied as he exited the kitchen with Matt.

“Want some cider, Spike?” I asked as I took the mug in my hand.

“Nah, it’s cool. I gotta get back to the library to help Twilight finish packing.” He replied as he hopped off the chair “See ya in Canterlot!”

“Alrighty buddy, see ya.” I said as Spike headed down the hallway and out the front door.

I wonder how they’re holding up down there?

They should be fine. I’m not gonna worry about them for now.

TIME TO PACK. OH BOY WHAT FUN.

Yeah… Fun… Bleghhhhh…

I downed my mug of cider in one single chugging session, leaving the now empty mug on the counter and made my way upstairs to my room to pack.

After almost precisely one hour, I had finished packing and our equipment was on its way to Canterlot with little to no help from Vinyl whatsoever.

Not that I expected anything different.

Nor I.

We had boarded the train bound for Canterlot and were nearly there, only about half an hour or so remained of the two hour train ride. The car we were sitting in was empty outside of the residents of our house. Matt and Paul were sitting together and seemed to be plotting something as they had a piece of paper and lots of crayons and kept drawing on an extremely crude floor plan of a building. Octavia was asleep and resting her head on Vinyl’s shoulder as Vinyl gazed out the window of the train. I sat across from the two mares simply listening to my iPod and trying to decide on a fitting setlist. Out of my repertoire not much fit a wedding, much less a royal one.

“Whoa, Jimmy, check this out.” Vinyl said as she took off her shades to get a better view of what was outside. I turned my head to the right and looked at the odd purple bubble surrounding Canterlot. It shimmered in the light of the sun, a horizontal line of white light cascading down the bubble every few seconds.

“What’s that about?” I asked turning to face her.

“I don’t even know.” She replied quietly as she put back on her glasses slowly “Something’s up. I bet you twenty bits that’s not just standard royal wedding security precautions.”

“I agree.” I said as I sat back in my seat.

What the hell’s goin’ on over there then?

Haven’t the foggiest.

You think it’s some kind of war precaution?

Might be.

I wanted to continue my train of thought on the giant purple bubble surrounding the castle, but I knew nothing of the situation, so any further thought would be useless speculation. I looked at my iPod again and the list of two songs I had planned to play at the wedding. Dissatisfied with my current progress, I decided that I would have to continue this planning later on. I rested my head against the back of the seat and closed my eyes, slowly drifting away from the world around me and into an unconscious state…

Storm clouds cover the sky completely. It’s not raining yet, but it soon will be. Across the field stands the enemy army. From this distance, I can’t tell whether the soldiers are humans or ponies. The only two striking features about them are their black armour and their size. I look to my sides; at least I’m not the only one on this side of the field. White and grey ponies in golden armour with blue trim as far as the eye can see. Directly in front of me is a sword embedded in the ground. It’s the sword I slayed the dragon with all those months ago. I take the sword in hand and pull it out of the ground and turn my gaze to the so-called ‘Hundred Thousand Army’.

“Your orders, sir?” The pegasus next to me asks. I take a few steps forward, looking down at my armour as I do so. It’s a full suit of armour painted lime-green with golden trim. I turn to face my troops. They’ve certainly got their war faces on. I thrust my sword into the air. The soldiers stand at attention. I turn to face the enemy army with my sword still held above my head. I bring the sword back behind me as though I were about to lunge.

“RAAAAAAISE HELLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!” I shout at the top of my lungs as I thrust the sword into the air. In less than a second, squadrons of gold-clad pegasi fly over me. Grey unicorns and earth-ponies charge past me at blinding speed…

A sudden jolt of force all over my body wakes me from my nap. I see the trace of a purple wall disappear into the end of the car. Apparently I wasn’t the only one who was woken by the shock as Octavia was looking around in confusion, clutching Vinyl’s body for dear life.

“What the hell was that?” I asked with a crack in my voice as I stretched my arms.

“We just passed the security checkpoint before Canterlot.” Vinyl replied.

“So that was the bubble that we just felt then?”

“Yeah, they sure did a great job of disrupting the field there, didn’t they?” She said with extremely heavy sarcasm present in her voice. She turned to the grey mare beside her “Think you could let up the grip a little there, Octy?”

Octavia looked to Vinyl with a petrified and confused expression and then to Vinyl’s neck where Octavia’s hooves were wrapped. It took her a couple moments to realise that her hooves were tightly encircled around her snow-white friend and quickly released her once she finally found her hooves, blushing as she pulled her hooves closer to herself. I chuckled lightly to myself as I looked out to the purple tinted sky outside.

Methinks trouble is ahoof.

When the hell’d you start using pony-speak on an average basis?

Just now. But serious ting fadda, trouble ahoof.

What d-

Everything in my field of vision suddenly went dark.

“Guess who?” Said the voice of a particular cyan pegasus.

“Hey Rainbow Dash, what d’you reckon about this whole royal wedding deal?” I asked with my vision disabled by her hoof, or possibly hooves.

“Ehh, namby-pamby stuff, but I do get to do a Sonic Rainboom, so it’s a little cooler than the average one I guess.” She replied.

“Would you say…” Matt’s voice came into hearing range, “It’s about twenty per-” and before Matt could finish his sentence he was met with some form of attack to a particular part of his body that resounded throughout the car followed by a thump on the floor of the train. My vision was still blurred, so naturally it was Paul punching the cheeky bugger in the face to stop him from finishing the overused ‘catch-phrase’, sending Matt to the ground in the process.

Spot on, old bean.

Thank you, I try.

“That looked like it hurt,” Said the voice of Captain Pinkamena Obvious Pie. I could practically see her leaning over Matt’s limp body as she asked “You okay?”

“So Rainbow, can I have my vision back so I can confirm the body of Matt on the floor of the car with Paul and Pinkie leaning over him while he twitches like an epilepsy patient?” I asked. I could almost see her look over her shoulder to check if the image was complete.

“How the heck did you know?” She asked.

“I’m just very good.” I replied as my vision was unimpaired at last. Octavia and Vinyl had gotten out of their seats and were standing behind the mane six, as Matt and Paul called them, and Spike at the door, waiting for it to open. Through the small window of the door and the rest of the windows of the train, the station was coming into view. In no time at all, the train had completely stopped and the door opened.

“Whoa…” Rainbow Dash said as she poked her head out of the train, “What’s with all the guards?” Applejack and Rarity followed suit and looked around at the seemingly countless gold-clad royal guard patrolling the station.

“I’m sure they’re just taking the necessary precautions,” Rarity replied as they exited the train car “Royal weddings do bring out the strangest ponies.”

“AaaaaAAAAAAHHH-CHOOO!” Pinkie sneezed as she exited the car, confetti and a couple streamers flew out of her nose instead of the expected snot. Everypony looked to her in confusion, shock, or in Rarity’s case, nonchalance as Pinkie smiled and trotted along as if nothing happened.

Bro, that’s just plain fucking weird.

Eeyup…

I want to be able to do that.

No. We aren’t asking.

Yes we are.

No we fucking aren’t.

Fluttershy exited the car next followed by a seemingly disgruntled Twilight Sparkle.

“Now let’s get going! We’ve got work to do!” Rarity stated as she walked after Pinkie with Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy in tow.

“And you’ve got a big brother to go congratulate!” Applejack said as she turned to Twilight who was still standing in the doorway of the car. Twilight hung her head.

“Yeah… Congratulate… Then give him a piece of my mind…” She replied as she trotted past two royal guards with an angry look on her face, the guard’s faces turned from easy smiles to looks of confusion as she passed.

I exited the car next. Instead of acknowledging the large number of soldiers patrolling and guarding the station, I turned my gaze to the purple sphere that surrounded the city.

“Fucking weird…” I said to myself aloud, but still quiet enough that it wasn’t audible to anyone or pony other than myself. Matt stumbled out of the car followed by Vinyl, Octavia and Paul, who all stumbled out far less than he did.

“Alrighty then, onwards to shenanigans!” Matt exclaimed as he pointed to the castle in the distance, placing a hand on his side.

“And weddings.” Paul added.

“AND BOOZE!!” Shouted Vinyl.

“Oh dear…” Octavia sighed, she walked over to my side “Shall we be on our way then?” She asked.

“Yeah, sure, not like we’ve got any baggage to wait for.” I replied “Come along guys.” I stated as we headed to the castle.

After a few minutes of walking and about halfway to the castle, Matt, Paul and Vinyl were walking together discussing something that seemed to be of great importance. Octavia had stayed by my side the entire time, keeping her pace constant, just as I had been doing.

“Jimmy?” She asked “What do you think they’re discussing so… Privately?”

“God knows,” I replied “Not that it’s important to us, eh?”

“I suppose.”

“It’s probably just some kind of stupid prank they’re gonna play on Celestia. Like make Spike send her a bazillion copies of some riddle that means ‘never gonna give you up’.”

“I’m… Not sure I understand. What do you mean?”

“Oh… Right, you wouldn’t have Rick Astley or Youtube or the internet here. Never mind, it’s too much to explain.” I could see Octavia shrug out of the corner of my eye. A fit of laughter erupted from the three stooges behind us. She turned to look at them, a baffled look adorning her face as she did. I turned to see Vinyl trying to compose herself as her shades nearly fell off her face, Matt and Paul both covering their mouths with at least one hand trying to contain their laughter, failing miserably. I turned my head to find myself nearly bumping into a grey unicorn wearing a top hat, monocle and a dark green suit, or, at least the upper body part of the suit. I then found that we were only moments away from the castle.

WOOOO! CASTLE!

“Come on lads, pick up the pace!” I yelled to the stooges as I pointed to Canterlot Castle. As Matt took notice, I could hear him start to sing ‘The Knights of The Round Table’ song from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

Well, it is fitting.

I suppose.

Say… You thinking what-

Oh yeah.

I stopped in my tracks suddenly. Octavia came to a halt as well and Matt stopped singing as he nearly bumped into me.

“What’s the matter?” He asked.

“You know what? Let us not go to Canterlot. Tis a silly place.” I told him as I held a hand in front of me as if I were holding reigns and ‘trotted’ away from the castle.

“OY! YOU CAN’T BUGGER OFF NOW!” Matt shouted, I continued riding my imaginary horse down the road, refusing to look back at the surely priceless expressions on their faces.

"HE'S BUGGERED OFF HE HAS!" Paul exclaimed.

Before I got too far away, I broke my pose and found myself returning to the group with a silly grin on my face as we headed towards the rather silly Canterlot castle.

Upon reaching the gate, we were stopped by the two unicorn royal guards in front of the entrance, crossing their spears in front of us blocking our path.

“Halt.” One of them stated.

NAH. I WAS GONNA KEEP ON GOING THROUGH. NOT LIKE YOUR BIG FUCKING SPEARS WERE BLOCKING ME OR ANYTHING.

“Umm… We’re the entertainment for the wed-”

“Sir Callahan, Princess Celestia requests your presence in a private meeting immediately.” An older looking pegasus guard stated as he flew down from above. The guards pointed their spears skyward, allowing us to pass.

“My presence?” I asked holding a hand to my chest.

“Yes. Yours. Follow me. The rest of you can head to your rooms and unpack.” He replied as he turned to face the large wooden door past the arch of the entrance. I exhaled sharply nervously as I followed him. I turned to look at the others who wore confused expressions as they waved goodbye.

Don’t tell me she found that magazine I left here last time…

What magazi- Oh God…

That would be some serious shit to explain…

Yeah… Fuck.

I followed the guard up a lot of flights stairs. When I say a lot, I mean a metric SHIT TONNE OF FUCKING STAIRS. I had to take two rests because of the number of stairs. That’s how bad it was. Apparently we were in the highest tower where Celestia’s chambers were located.

Lucky bastard, getting to fly everywhere.

I know right?

[sarcasm] Too bad we can’t do that [/sarcasm].

Yeah, I kn- WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE. AAAAAAAGHH MY FUCKING HAT AAAAG- You know what, fuck it, we’re here anyway. I got my day’s exercise. No losses here.

“Open these doors and you’ll find the princess. She’s out on the balcony.” The guard stated.

“Thanks…” I replied as I opened the door.

“Oh, one more thing.” He said, I let go of the doorknob and looked to the guard.

“If she asks about bananas, don’t answer. Just run.”

Wat.

Wat.

“Wat.”

“Nah, just kidding you. But seriously though, you may want to run if she does ask that.” He stated. He saluted me and headed back down the stairs.

“Wat.” I said to myself again a few moments after he left. I stood in contemplation for a brief moment of exactly what the fuck that meant, but decided just to take the advice rather than question it.

What? Bananas are good! I like bananas! You should always bring a banana to a party, there’s so much you can do with it!

I can only think dirty things.

You tucking fwat, OTHER THINGS.

Really? You’re telling me about the things outside of dirty things I can do with a banana?

… Shut up.

I slowly opened the door. The room was a bedroom of some kind. It must be Celestia’s. Directly in front of me was a large circular bed in the center of the room with white sheets. Above the bed was a skylight which the sunlight shone through brightly. It made the bed seem to glow as if it were some kind of stairway to heaven.

WHERE DEM STAIRS AT THEN?

The room was painted white with golden trim. On the wall to my right was a large mural of Celestia and Luna.

Gee, must’ve sucked to look at that every day and night during Luna’s banishment.

Yep… Must have…

At the other end of the room was a doorway with no doors.

I GUESS WE’D CALL THAT AN ARCHWAY THEN YOU STUPID TWAT.

Through the archway, I could see the royal flank of Celestia.

Mmm mmm, dat plot.

What the fu-…

See?

… You know what, I’m gonna agree with you just this once. Dat plot.

I walked slowly across the room, trying to make as little noise as possible. I eventually made it onto the balcony. The view was amazing. You could see all of Canterlot from here. I looked down directly below the balcony, inside the castle walls, I could see the royal guard being assembled into groups in the courtyard.

“Jimmy, it is good to see you again.” Said Celestia. I was startled by it for a moment, I forgot she was here. I quickly found myself kneeling before her with my head bowed.

“It is good to see you too, Princess.” I replied “You have summoned me for something?” I asked.

“Yes, but please, stand up. You don’t need to be so formal around me. It is quite alright.” She replied. I obliged and stood up, facing her. She smiled for a moment, but the smile faded as quickly as it had appeared. She turned to the balcony rail and walked towards it, looking out over Canterlot.

“Surely you have noticed some changes since you were last here, haven’t you?” She asked.

“Yeah, I was gonna ask why the guards are all patrolling in such large numbers.” I replied.

SAY “AND DON’T CALL ME SHIRLEY”!! SAY IT!! SAY EEEEET!!

“And you are probably wondering about the force field surrounding the city as well.” She stated. I looked to the sky and noticed the purple sphere once again.

“Yeah, that too.” I replied as I continued to look at it.

“A threat has been made against Equestria.” She stated “We aren’t sure who it is, but the threat is real.”

“Uh, you realise that could’ve been some little colt who decided to pull a prank, right?” I replied.

“Well, normally, that’s what we would think of such a letter. However, this one came with two of our own guard’s dead bodies, one of which was the body of the former Vice Captain of the Guard.”

You certainly feel stupid now, don’t cha?

Eeyup…

“Oh… Well… Err…” I stammered. Celestia turned to face me.

“Our army is not large enough to take on a nation. Nor do many of our commanders have battle experience with which to help them against an enemy attack.” She said with the most serious expression I had ever seen on her face.

“That’s certainly not good, but I don’t see h-”

“Kneel.” She stated.

“Wait, what?” I asked.

“Kneel.” She stated again. I looked around awkwardly as I got onto one knee in front of her.

YOU GON’ GET LOVED TENDERLY IN THE ASS.

How?

THERE IS ALWAYS A WAY.

“Jimmy, you have faced one of the greatest dangers on the field of battle. However, you were never properly rewarded for your astonishing feat.”

What does she mean? The dragon?

I… Guess so…

Celestia walked past me and stood just inside the archway. I heard her horn charge with magic as she trotted back in front of me. I looked up to her and saw that she was levitating a jewel-encrusted sword with her magic.

“W-w-wait, w-what are you d-doing?” I stuttered with several cracks in my voice, afraid to move anywhere.

“James Callahan,” She stated “State your desired title.”

Wat. You’re allowed to choose a title before being executed?

“A… Title?” I asked; she looked to me raising an eyebrow “Umm… I think just Sir Jimmy works. Maybe ‘Saint’ if you can work that one in somehow…?” I replied. She smiled slightly.

“I dub thee,” She said as she lowered the sword to my right shoulder “Saint Jimmy of Equestria.” She brought the sword to my left shoulder and then held it above my head for a moment before levitating the sword away from me.

Fuck yeah, Green Day reference in my title BYOTCH!

“Rise, Sir Jimmy.” She asked; I slowly rose to my feet as I felt an odd sense of power and control wash over with a new sense of responsibility.

Ewwwww, responsibility! Get it off me before I catch responsibilititus!

“You are now our new Vice Captain of the Guard, under the Captain Shining Armour. You will take his place as Captain once the wedding is over.” I stood in front of her, still shocked with my new position of authority.

“But… Why me?” I asked “I mean, I don’t know anything about commanding units, I’m not trained in battle. The only reason I’m alive is because of sheer luck.”

“Didn’t you risk your life to save Rainbow Dash even though you yourself were injured gravely?” She replied.

“Well yeah, b-”

“Did you not defeat the dragon?”

“I did, y-”

“Amongst our soldiers, you’ve become something of a hero you know.” I stopped.

Waaaaaaaaaaat?

“Wait, what? How?” I asked.

“My sister has spoken much of you to myself and to her personal guard. Naturally, they have passed on the story of how you were able to defeat the dragon in the Everfree.”

Shit man, you’re famous around here.

I…

Well, what’re you gonna do? Back down when the soldiers are more than likely scared off their ass and need a fucking hero to guide them?

I…

If you wanna be a pussy and decline, you go right ahead. But something tells me it’s serve the crown or decline and be a traitor to Equestria.

. . .

What’ll it be?

“I’ll do it.” I said clenching my fists.

Oh boy, here we go…

“Oh?” Celestia said looking surprised.

“Just tell me what to do and I’ll get it done.” I said as I looked her square in the eyes. She smiled.

“Very well Sir Jimmy. You shall be fitted for armour tomorrow morning and will meet with Captain Shining Armour afterwards for briefing.” She stated “Oh, about your armaments…”

“Hm? My…”

“Come with me.” She said as she walked past me into her room. I followed slowly. Once we reached the center, she stopped and looked over to a rather sizeable golden chest against the wall on our right. A yellow glow surrounded the chest as it lifted from its resting place to my side.

“There were some things you left behind from your last visit.” She stated, “One of them was a sword.” I opened the chest and found my sword.

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THAT’S WHERE IT WAS THE WHOLE TIME.

GODDAMNIT I’VE BEEN LOOKING FOR THIS FUCKING THING FOREVER.

The sunlight reflected off the sword brightly, making me shield my eyes for a moment. As I examined it, I noticed that the sword was now unscratched, you could use the blade as a mirror if you had to. The blade was no longer chipped and was perfectly even. The topaz jewel embedded into the hilt had been cleaned and almost seemed to emit its own light. The hilt was also restored, no more chips or scratches were present and it had been painted a dark blue, like that of Luna’s mane.

“My sister had it restored for you. The condition of it was quite bad; it was on the verge of falling apart. You are lucky it survived the battle with the dragon.” She said as I continued examining my weapon “She insisted on doing it herself rather than having one of our blacksmiths do it. She claimed that they would not bother trying to restore it due to its practically broken condition.” I chuckled at her last statement.

“She would’ve been right.” I replied as I took the sheath out of the chest.

“Oh yes, she made that for it as well.” Celestia stated.

“I’ll have to thank her.” I stated. It seemed that Luna had modeled the sheath after Link’s own for the Master Sword.

>Implying this isn’t the Master Sword.

The detail was perfect. I stuck the sword inside it and threw the strap of the sheath over me so the hilt stuck out over my right shoulder.

“There were some other things in there as well,” Celestia started “Luna didn’t tell me what else there was, and she insisted that I did not try to find out.”

Oh God.

Goddamnit Luna, did you have to go and hoof it to my porn?

I took another look inside the chest and saw a neat pile of three magazines. One of which had a rather scantily dressed blonde woman on the cover.

“So what else i-”

“NOTHING!” I accidentally yelled as I clumsily grabbed the magazines from the chest, hiding them behind my back “Anyway, thank you, err, Celestia, I have to go back to my room now!” I said in a panicked voice as I stood up and strafed around the sun princess.

KEEP CALM BRO, SHE DIDN’T SEE THEM. YOU’RE SAFE. SHE WON’T MOLEST YOU, OFFER YOU BANANAS OR QUESTION YOU. JUST GET THE FUCK OUT RIGHT NOW.

“Oh yes, of course, you’ve had a long trip and I’m sure you’re tired.” She replied.

SHE SUSPECTS NOTHING, KEEP GOING.

“Yes, y-yes, err, v-very tired!” I stammered, followed by a fake yawn and an awkward laugh.

YOU’VE GOT THIS SHIT MAN! YOU’RE ALMOST HOME!

“Oh, just so you know, I actually did look through those magazines you have there.” She stated with a sly smile.

FUCK!

Oh jeez.

FUCKING TROLLESTIA!

Hey, that’s a pretty good name.

You think so? I thought of it myself.

No you fucking didn’t.

Okay…

I stopped dead in my tracks as I was about to open the door.

“Don’t feel bad, it’s only natural for someone of your age to have material such as that. Boys will be boys, after all.” She continued.

THIS IS SO FUCKING AWKWARD.

It’s like she’s my mom trying to talk to me about sex.

AWKWAAAAAAAAAAAAARD!!!!

“If you have any questions about anything, feel free to ask me. I don’t bite.”

WHAT THE FUCK MAN.

WAIT WHAT.

“Umm…”

“Well?” She asked. She looked as if she were expecting me to start firing off a stream of questions that would be answered with actual demonstrations given to me by the princess herself.

BRO! YOU GOT THIS! IF YOU START ASKING HER SHIT, YOU CAN SAY YOU FUCKED A PRINCESS MAN!

WHY WOULD I DO THAT?!

BECAUSE WHO DO YOU KNOW THAT CAN LEGITAMATELY SAY THEY FUCKED A PRINCESS?!

I AM NOT DOING THIS.

AW COME ON!!

“Yeah, umm, err, thanks, Celestia. I’ll uh, be sure to, umm… Yeah…” I said as I slowly opened the door wide enough for me to get through, slamming it behind me afterwards and bolting down the stairs.

You’re such a pussy.

SHUT UP.

After several minutes of traversing stairs by foot, I had decided it would be easier simply to fly down them, making my trip infinitely faster. Once I reached the bottom of the last flight of stairs before the floor with my bedroom, I allowed myself to walk once again. As I entered the hallway, I saw somepony who caught my eye.

Just in front of my door on the other side of the hall was a light pink alicorn with a pink, white and purple mane looking out the window. She wore a golden breastplate and horseshoes to match. On top of her head sat a small gold crown. Her cutie mark was a heart-shaped sapphire with golden trim on the sides. She looked as though she was scowling. For some reason, I couldn’t quite keep my eyes focused on her, as if I tried to examine her more closely, my eyes would simply shift themselves away.

LIKE THE TARDIS.

… Yes, like the Tardis.

IS SHE THE TARDIS?

No.

WELL HOW DO YOU KNOW?

How would someone enter her?

YOU FUCKING SILLY VIRGIN, YO-

Oh you fu- You know what? Screw it. I don’t even care.

I continued down the hallway, approaching the pink alicorn. Her gaze turned from the window to me, I stopped in my tracks. I swear that her eyes changed colour from pink to green just for a fraction of a second as she looked at me. After a moment, she scoffed and turned up her nose at me, walking past me and down the hallway which I came.

Jeez, what a cunt. We’re her fucking security and she just decides to be a cunt? Well, we’ll see how well that works for her when a stray arrow just happens to hit her in the head while we ‘didn’t notice’.

I agree.

I shrugged it off and headed to my room. As I reached the bedroom door, I threw it open and entered, closing it behind me and locking it. I was tired and tomorrow I would be starting guard duty. I needed to be sharp.

==> Be the other guy. Yes. The handsome one with the awesome hair and pretty green eyes.

You are now Tickles Mianus. Not really. You are Matt Wahlberg. Your interests include hats, tomfoolery, horseplay, tomplay, shenanigans and above all, more shenanigans. You are a level 36 Boy-Skylark. You have a MAJOR superiority complex and are prone to delusions of grandeur. Except they're not delusions. You really ARE that awesome.

You, Paul and Vinyl dash down one of the western hallways of Canterlot castle, leaving poor Octavia to deal with the unpacking of the entire group’s luggage outside of Jimmy’s own. You are such a kind-hearted person with a pure soul of ever-overflowing generosity.

“So, where do you have in mind, Matt?” Vinyl asks you as she pulls up to your side.

“Haven’t the foggiest!” You reply happily as you turn a corner suddenly, almost crashing into a tower of pumpkins. You look back around at the pumpkins you almost tripped over to see there were never really any pumpkins. You silly twat! Why would there EVER be pumpkins in a hallway?

You continue running through the castle, denying any and all existence of the orange vegetable pile you almost tripped over. As you round another bend, you stop in front of an ordinary looking wooden door and stare at it intently. Vinyl stops as well, too suddenly however, Paul ends up tripping over her, sending the two stooges onto the red carpeting of the hall faces first. You look over to them and frown.

“Paul, stop tripping over Vinyls.” You say sternly with the most serious expression you can muster.

“But Maaaaaatt…” The peasant whines “She tripped me first!”

“I didn’t even trip! I was pushed over by your stupid… Stupid… Assbutt!” Blue-Mane White-Unicorn snaps in reply as she gets to her hooves, shoving the Assbutt off of her.

“Well I-”

You interrupt the Assbutt known as Paul with a proper pimp-slap, creating a resounding thwack that would make The Great Pimp King Swagrid immensely proud of the effort given in attempting to best his pimp-slap. As far as you’re concerned, the slap gets you a score of around 9.4, giving you 3rd place, 2nd place belonging to your mother with a 9.8 that was given to you a few months ago when you refused to put the toy bunny back in the box.

“No.” You say to him as you stick your finger in his face for a moment before turning back to the ordinary door.

“What d’you think’s in there?” Vinyl asks you. You look to her for a brief moment, looking at her with a spark in your eyes that only a boy who has a crush on a Blue-Mane White-Unicorn would look at this Blue-Mane White-Unicorn. You think this is silly, you curse the author in your mind for making you do this, for if you said it out loud and in “These funny marks that mean someone is talking,” he would surely delete it immediately.

“What funny marks?” Vinyl asks with a confuzzled expression. The author enjoys using the word ‘confuzzled’. It is fun to say and you should probably say it more often. Start praying he does not incorporate it into your vocabulary the next time he prompts you to speak.

You then suddenly turn to the completely fucking ordinary door and throw it open with a manly ‘HARUMPH’. It flies towards the wall so fast the ordinary door does not shatter into a million pieces like you hoped, but instead rebounds off the aforementioned wall, back to its closed state.

Your (non) crush facehoofs as you rub the back of your head in the fashion of someone who is embarrassed. Which you are, stop trying to deny it. You failed pretty fucking hard just now.

The peasant walks over to the ordinary door, pushing you softly out of his way to get to it. He slowly opens the door and gestures to you and Vinyl to enter the room with his head, leaning it towards the dark room. Naturally you enter the room first, since ladies enter first and all that. After a few moments of wandering around in the dark room while the others stand outside waiting for you to find the doorway again, you decide it’s time to go get a torch. You exit the room shamefully and take a torch from the wall outside, lighting the other torches in the room with it upon re-entry.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT. Along every shelf and covering almost every inch of the floor of this room, POTS ARE EVERYWHERE. Your eyes light up as do Paul’s and Vinyl’s. You look to each other with the silliest grins you can muster.

“Are y’all thinkin’ what I’m thinkin’?” You ask.

“TIME TO SMASH SOME SHIT!” Vinyl shouts as she gets ready to jump into the meadow of pots.

“Hold on,” Paul says as he grabs Vinyl by the scruff of neck in mid-jump, “I was thinking that we could go take all the flowers from the garden and put them in these pots with no water so they would all wither and die and then someone would find them months later in here.” You and Vinyl both look to this silly peasant with disappointed looks. He clearly did not understand what he should do upon finding a room full of POTS. Paul frowned in embarrassment and disappointment as he put Vinyl back onto the ground, releasing her from his grip.

“Now, where were we?” She asks turning to you. You grin and she returns it.

“SMASHY TIIIIIIIIME!!” You both shout as the two of you jump into the pile of pots as though on cue.

“Well that was fun.” You say as you close the door. That was a good half hour well spent being a lazy piece of shit all day and smashing all those POTS.

“Indeed, ‘twas a fine activity, don’t you agree?” Vinyl asks Paul, she had decided her new first language was posh, for in one of the pots resided a top hat and monocle, which she donned immediately upon finding.

“DURR I DUNNO.” Paul replied in his completely normal, everyday, this-is-how-he-always-talks, retard voice.

“Hold!” You state, for it is Shakespeare time “Forsooth, doth mine mind deceive-eth me? Or do-eth the pots in yonder room beyond th’ ordinary-eth wood portal not don new life upon our exit?”

“Whatever do you mean by that, darling?” Vinyl asks.

“HOLD THINE TONGUE, FEMALE SEDUCTRESS!” You shout, smacking the female, reminding her of her rightful place “I hath found-eth th’ next activity with which we shall not stop-eth our merriment!” You exclaim, throwing open that beautiful motherfucking standard ass everyday door once again, this time, it manages to stay open.

“Behold-eth!” You say holding out a hand, gesturing to the room, that was once again filled with perfectly undamaged pots “Dear jester, do tell us the number of vases that adorn this chamber!” You ask as you put your hand around Paul, as he stares at the floor in front of him, a string of saliva hanging from his mouth.

“About one hundred and eighty two.” Paul stated as he rocked back and forth.

“Is that correct-eth?” You ask to confirm.

“Yeah, yeah, definitely about one hundred and eighty two.” Paul replied, still rocking himself.

“Pray tell, for how much does all the rice sell-eth for in China?”

“About two bucks.”

“The price of a rebel’s whore.”

“Definitely a million dollars, yeah, yeah, definitely a million.”

“Definitely?”

“Yeah…”

“I say, what are you two blabbering on about?” Vinyl interrupts again, but before you can pimp slap her, you see her jump through the doorway into the pile of pots. Agreeing with the lady’s actions, you too jump face first into the pots once again, laughing hysterically while Paul mumbles almost incoherently about numbers and syrup having to be on the table before pancakes.

“MATT WAKE UP!” Vinyl shouts in your ear as she shakes you awake. Your head shoots up quickly to take in your surroundings. Immediately below and around you are the shattered remains of pots. Beyond these are more unbroken pots and royal guards standing over you. You slowly rise to your feet.

“What seems to be the problem, officer?” You ask nervously.

“TAKE THIS YOU RUFFIANS!” Paul shouts before the guard can speak as a pot whizzes past your head and hits the wall above the guard. The audacity of Paul’s actions makes the guard look in disbelief at the remains of the pot on the floor.

You decide to take this opportunity to obey Paul’s command stating to kindly “RUN BITCH, RUUUUUUUUN!!”

You, Paul and Vinyl make a mad rush out of the room and down the hallway hoping more guards are not on their way. You look over to Vinyl and notice that she is no longer wearing a monocle or top hat.

“Vinyl, where’s your posh clothing?” You ask as you continue running.

“What?” She replies.

“The monocle and top hat?”

“What the fuck are you talking about? I didn’t have a monononickel or top hat!”

“Wait a minute, Paul! Does K-Mart suck?” You ask turning your head to him, keeping your pace.

“What the hell!? Who gives a fuck about that right now!?” He shouts in reply.

“How much is 39 multiplied by the cube root of 692?”

“STOP HURTING MY BRAIN!!”

It then occurs to you that everything you had experienced prior to waking up on the floor was more than likely a dream. Also, there were never any pumpkins. Stop fucking asking because there has never been and never will be any fucking pumpkins present in this fucking chapter.

A knock on my door, a simple light-hooved triple knock, only one pony I know knocks like that, that’s Octavia. I got up from my bed and walked over to the door, opening it to see nopony else other than the grey mare I expected.

“Hey Octy, what’s up?” I ask, greeting her.

“Not all that much, Vinyl’s run off with Matt and Paul to do Celestia knows what.” She replied with a sigh at the end of her sentence “I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind me hanging around with you for a while.”

“Oh no, not at all, come right… In?” My statement turned into a question as I heard something of a rumble growing louder and louder from the end of the hall. I poked my head out from the door and looked to my left, towards where the sound was coming from. Around the corner appeared Matt, Paul and Vinyl, running as fast as they could.

“Oh Christ, what did they do?” I asked myself.

“OY!! WHAT’D YOU TWATS DO THIS TIME?!” I shouted as they got closer.

“I’M SORRY!! I’M SORRY!! I DIDN’T KNOW THEY WERE THAT EXPENSIVE!! DON’T PUT ME IN THE DUNGEON!! I DON’T WANT TO BE BUTTRAPED IN THE SHOWER!! I’M TOO PRETTY FOR PRISOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNN!!” Matt shouted as the group passed by my door and rounded the corner shortly after. Behind them were at least twenty royal guard members giving chase. As the last of the guards passed, I simply closed the door. A few moments of silence passed. Octavia stood next to me, staring at the shut door with me.

“So…” She began.

“I don’t even want to know.” I said cutting her off.

“You know what? Me neither.” She replied. Another few moments of silence passed.

“Are you feeling hungry?” She asked.

“Yeah, let’s go to the dining hall. Dinner should be ready around now anyway.” I replied opening the door once again, quickly exiting with Octavia in hopes we didn’t run into the three stooges or the platoon of guards chasing them.

“She WHAT?!?!” Octavia exclaimed loudly, her statement echoing throughout the dining hall. She quickly covered her mouth with a hoof, looking to her left and right quickly out of embarrassment “She appointed you Vice Captain of the Canterlot Royal Guard?!”

“Yeah, it’s crazy. They must be really paranoid about this whole threat going on.” I replied. We had finished our food already, but were just having an after-dinner chat. It was nice to have someone you could really talk to like Octavia. I figured it would be best to save the news of me being drafted into a position of authority until there was no more food to be spat out of shock.

What about if she barfed out of shock?

Shut the fuck up.

“So what are you going to do? After all this is done I mean.” She asked.

“Well, I don’t really know.” I replied “I don’t think it’ll be life as it was though. Something tells me they might make me Captain once Sparkly Platemail marries Princess Bitchface.”

“Jimmy, that’s not all that nice.” Octavia scolded lightly “How do you even know what she’s like? You can’t judge her b-”

“I met her in the hallway. All I can say on the matter is that if it looks like a bitch, smells like a bitch, looks at you in disgust and turns their nose up like a bitch while giving a bitchy ‘hmph’ as they walk away, and four out of five dentist recommend it, chances are, it’s a bitch.”

“Well… I… I don’t think I can argue with that.” Octavia replied, giving up any attempt to argue further that Princess Bitchface was not actually a bitch.

“Seen her yet?” I asked.

“No, not yet, I’ve got nothing to go on about her other than your encounter with her.” She replied.

“Ah, so you do agree she’s a bitch?”

“Well- I- I don- No! I mean, yes, b- Wait! I me- ARGH! SHUT UP JIMMY!” Octavia yelled, her voice resounding through the hall again. I couldn’t help but laugh.

AHAHA! SILLY WOMAN! NOT BEING ABLE TO FORM COHERENT SPEECH BECAUSE SHE’S TRYING TOO HARD TO BE PROPER! AHAHA! SHE IS PRESUMPTUOUS AS SHE IS POOR AND IRISH!

Do you even know what presumptuous means?

Well- I- I don- No, but- I mean- WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST FUCKING SAY ABOUT ME, YOU LITTLE BITCH? I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I GRADUATED TOP OF MY CLASS IN THE NAVY SEALS…

Yeah, yeah, shut up. Stop being an eight year old on Xbox Live for a minute. They don’t even fucking have that in this world.

… AS WE SPEAK I AM CONTACTING MY SECRET NETWORK OF SPIES ACROSS THE USA AND YOUR IP IS BEING TRACED RIGHT NOW SO YOU BETTER PREPARE FOR THE STORM MAGGOT…

The door to the dining hall flung open as two humans and a white unicorn burst through it, slamming it behind them, making a dash for the table at top speed. Matt dove face first over the side of the bench I was sitting on, leaving him on the floor behind me with one leg still dangling on the bench. Luckily for Paul and Vinyl, they managed to land on Octavia’s side of the bench without falling off like this particular idiot drooling on the floor. He quickly picked himself up, and by picked himself up, naturally I mean had a mini-seizure on the floor for about ten seconds before finally jumping onto the bench pretending that he had never been on the floor. The hall’s doors flung open again revealing pegasus guards.

“ASSUME THE POSITION.” Matt harshly whispered. Vinyl’s horn lit up blue for a brief as did her upper lip along with Matt and Paul’s own, after a flash of light, upon their faces sat moustaches of different styles and colours that didn’t even correspond with their hair colour. For example, Matt, the blonde haired half-aryan had donned a black Super Mario moustache. Paul, the previously blonde, now brunette, curly haired half-negro had an orange moustache resembling that of Mr. Miyagi’s, and finally Vinyl’s own… Freddie Mercury found red and white hair dye. It looked like Canada’s flag. It was bad.

Suddenly as if from nowhere (chances are it was actually nowhere), they produced rather large newspapers which they held in front of their faces, so close to them that it would be literally impossible to read the words on the page. I shook my head.

“What the hell are you idiots doing?” I asked politely.

“HON HON HON MONSIEUR! I AM LE… UH, FRANCAIS!! OUI, LE FRANCAIS, NON?” Matt replied with simultaneously the best but worst French accent I had ever heard in my entire life as he clutched to the newspaper for dear life “DON’T YOU AGREE MADAMOISELLE?”

“That there’s uh… Darn tootin’!” Vinyl agreed, doing her best to sound like Applejack. She actually didn’t do a half-bad job with her impression.

“OHH, ROOK, HEADRINE NEWS SAYS PRINCESS CERESTIA RACK DISCIPRINE.” The half-black, half-white member of our group stated in his best Chirese. The three poorly disguised twits suddenly took an even greater interest in their newspapers as they flipped through random pages, pretending to read them, with scattered ah’s and ooh’s as they ‘read’.

The guards approached the table, simply standing looking at the three idiots, and from the looks on their faces, anyone could tell they were trying to comprehend what could make these idiots think their ‘disguises’ would actually work, especially since they had donned them when the guards had already entered the room. Two of the guards nodded to each other, lifted themselves a couple feet off the ground and picked up ‘le’ Matt by his arms.

“SACREBLEU! Lâche-moi vous fascistes allemands porcs, j'agite mon drapeau blanc à vous et vous péter dans votre direction générale! Votre père était un NÉGRE! Ta mère sentait le POISSON!” Le Matt yelled angrily as he attempted to run away from the guards like a true Frenchman.

Did… Wait, this man didn’t know how to say FRENCH in FRENCH no less than thirty seconds ago… How…?

I don’t even this.

Two more guards managed to pick up Paur McCarrtenee to which he responded “你他媽的你難看的臉色蒼白的糊狀馬混蛋！我討厭的一切，你！中國人是高手的比賽！我們擁有的每個人！您可以做狗屎我們醜陋他媽的媽媽的陰戶舔母狗！放開我！”

… I…

Wat.

At that moment, another guard, a much more commanding looking guard came through the door. This one was a unicorn, considerably larger than the rest of the unicorn guards I had seen; he was also white instead of grey like the rest. He wore deep purple armour laced with gold trim. His mane was two shades of blue, and his eyes I could’ve sworn flickered from blue to green for just a moment. The guards holding the delinquents flew closer to this soldier, the other guards moved closer as well, saluting him.

Hey bro, I’ve seen that symbol before…

What symbol?

That one, on his breastplate, look!

I looked over to the new guard and examined the symbol on his armour more carefully. The symbol was a six-pointed star, painted in a shade of pink. I quickly linked it to Twilight’s cutie mark.

No way.

Nah man, they’re not related, no fucking way.

I don’t know bro, remember how she was saying shit about her brother earlier?

I don’t see…

Royal Guard Captain man. That’s him.

Oh shite.

Yep…

“We’ve caught the perpetrators, sir.” One of the guards stated with a deep, manly sounding voice.

“I can see that.” Replied Twinkly Protective-Wear as he took a step forward “Now I want you three to listen to me closely.” He stated looking at the three suspended idiots “Just because you all are guests at the castle under Princess Celestia’s invitation doesn’t mean you can just barge into any room you see and damage royal property.”

Oh boy, he’s one of those by-the-book characters.

Well yeah, I mean, Twilight’s brother, the hell can you not expect by-the-book characteristics?

Siblings aren’t always the same y’know? With their books and book-qualities and shit.

“Now, if it were my decision, I’d have you all thrown out of here right now. But I can’t do that, Celestia’s orders.”

Ha, bitch.

“However, you three are going to be taking on the ancillary staff’s duties for the next two days.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! OH MY GOD THAT’S FUCKING HILARIOUS THOSE POOR FUCKERS!!

I think we should stop him, just sayin’.

You and what army, dumbass?

The same army he’s got.

Wait what? Oh… Right! We’re important and stuff now! We can boss bitches around!

“And, I say, they’re not.” I stated loudly as I rose from the table. The guards turned to look at me.

“Who are you to question my authority? Would you like to join them?” Asked Shining Armaments.

“Oh me? Oh, I’m no one special, I’m just the new Vice Captain of the Royal Guard, Sir Saint Jimmy.”

“Who?” Sparkly asked again.

“Sir, he’s the one who took down that dragon in the Everfree by himself.” One of the guards stated, looking down after finishing his sentence as though fearing a punishment.

“Yes sir, he did it all by himself with that sword Princess Luna finished restoring a few days ago.” Another guard added. The first guard raised his head again, now more confident in his outburst.

“Really? And how’d you manage a sudden knighthood and promotion so quickly?” Glittery Chestplate asked as he approached me, I followed suit and came closer to him as well.

“This afternoon upon my arrival I was brought to Celestia’s chamber where she briefed me on the threats made against Eponia. She gave me a title and a high ranking because she felt that the men needed an extra bit of morale to have someone such as me on their side in battle. That’s why I’m here.”

“I’m still Captain of the Guard.”

“I’m Vice Captain, I do more work, you’re just the poster boy who’s supposedly in charge. Trust me; I know how this shit works, I was vice-president of the environmental club at my school, I did all the work.” I told him.

“Non, vous ne l'étaient pas, moi! Vous n'étiez même pas dans le club!” Le Matt shouted.

“Tais-toi, Frenchie, do you want to be the sole janitor of this fuck-huge castle?” I replied, using the full extent of my French in my sentence.

“Non merci.”

“That’s what I thought, now, tais-toi.”

“Oui.”

“Anyway, they’re not doing any ancillary work, don’t care what they broke, this is Eqerica motherfucker, y’all have magic, use it to repair whatever it was these idiots broke. Also, I need them anyway. They’re providing entertainment for your wedding…” I moved in closer.

“We wouldn’t want to upset your bride, now would we?” I asked him quietly with the most shit-eating grin I could muster.

You rivalled those fucking real estate agents up on billboards with that grin, man.

Damn fucking right I did.

“Release them.” He said with obvious disappointment in his voice, accompanied by a sigh.

Sounds like he had a different definition of ‘ancillary’ work.

Wait, what?

He sounded genuinely upset that he couldn’t punish anyone, if you know what I mean.

Oh fuck off, why would he want to fuck Le Matt or Paur McCartenee?

Name stooge number three.

Stooge number… Oh God. She wouldn’t, she couldn’t, she likes ma-

Look at her.

I looked over to Vinyl as the guards let her go just a few centimeters off the ground, flying away from her immediately afterwards. Her gaze turned to Shining Armour, slowly from his general direction to his hindquarters.

Oh wow.

Yeah…

That’s some shit.

That is indeed some shit. And I fucking saw it before anyone else.

“I’ll be seeing you tomorrow then, rookie. You should probably have done something about your physical form before you signed up for this position though. You’re gonna have a rough time if you wanna be up to the standards of our men with that kind of... Stomach.” He told me as he turned to exit the hall, giving me his own shit-eating grin as he left with the rest of the guards.

AWWWW HELLLLL NAW.

Oh it’s on now motherfucker.

OH NO HE DIDN’! I GON’ BUST A CAP IN DIS NIGGA’S ASS. THAT’S THE END OF STORY NIGGA, HE GETTIN’ FUCKED UP TOMORROW! I BRINGIN' MY PIECE TOMORROW! THIS MAN FUCKIN' DEAD!

“该死的黑鬼，这是残酷的！你不捍卫你的荣誉！?” Paur asked.

“Paur, prease speak-u Engrish so I may risten to what you are saying properry.” I replied.

“这是什么英语吗?” He asked looking rather confused.

“Oh, you know wh- Ju- Never mind!” I exclaimed.

“Qu'est-ce que l'amour? Bébé ne me blesse pas, ne me blesse pas, non plus…” Le Matt sang as he walked past me.

“OY! I KNOW IT’S YOUR STYLE TO RUN AWAY, BUT DON’T I GET A ‘THANK YOU’ FOR SAVING YOUR STUPID ASS’?!” I shouted before he could exit the dining hall.

“Non! Je suis Française, et vas te faire encule ta merde! Je me débrouille parfaitement bien sur mon propre! À moins bien sûr que les Allemands se montrer, où j'ai ensuite besoin de votre aide. Attendez-vous pas de remerciements ou de récompense, simplement parce que je suis français. Alors va te faire foutre!” He shouted before flipping me off and exiting the room dramatically, slamming the door behind him. I sighed heavily.

“好了，我要回到我的房间，再见, 娘养的。” Paur stated, taking his leave as well, although I couldn’t understand what the hell he said, I had the feeling that he called me a motherfucker at some point in his sentence for no particular reason at all.

You just can’t win today, can you?

They don’t mean it.

I know, still though.

They’re niggers all the same.

Oh yes, indeed they are.

“Thanks Jimmy.” I heard Vinyl say quietly nudging me softly “I was kinda scared for a minute there, I didn’t know if you’d be able to get by him with that story. I mean come on, Vice Captain of the Royal Guard?”

“I am Vice Captain.” I replied. She paused for a moment as though in thought, but quickly brought back a smile.

“Sure you are.” She said with a strong presence of sarcasm in her voice.

“No, he really is Vice Captain.” Octavia interjected. Vinyl looked to her in confusion.

“You’re not serious?” She asked in disbelief, smiling as though we were still trying to trick her.

“I am.” Octavia replied without cracking a smile. Vinyl’s smile slowly faded, she looked back and forth between the two of us, each time she looked at either of us, her expression had slowly faded into one of more shock with each turn.

“So… You’re actually…” She said slowly, looking almost frightened. I nodded, knowing what her next words would be. She looked to the floor.

“Yeah… Princess Celestia requested my presence when we arrived. I didn’t know what it was for, but then I found out.” I said explaining myself before she could ask me to do so. She paused for a moment, trying to take in the news.

“How long are you… You know, going to be doing that job?” She asked. I shrugged.

“I don’t know.” I replied, pausing before my next words “I’m not gonna lie though, I think I’m gonna end up being here for a while.”

“How long is a while?” She asked. I didn’t want to answer her directly. I really didn’t. She looked disturbed by the very mention of my new job.

“You didn’t get around to telling me either, how long are you going to keep your position?” Octavia asked.

You’re in a bit of a bind now, aren’t you?

Eeyup…

I took a breath. This wasn’t going to be easy for them to hear. It wouldn’t be easy for anyone or pony.

“Once Captain Shining Armour has been married, he’s going to resign as Captain of the Guard.” I stated. The two mares leaned in closer. “The previous Vice Captain would be taking his place. But, the threat against Canterlot came with, well, a proof of how serious whoever made it was. The proof was the body of the Vice Captain and another guard.”

“Get to the point, what’s going to happen to you?” Vinyl snapped as she took her shades off with her magic.

Guess there’s not much dancing around the point anymore.

Eenope.

“Upon being given my title of Vice Captain, Celestia told me that once the wedding was over, I would be promoted to Captain.” As the final words of my sentence were spoken, the looks on the mare’s faces showed just how speechless they truly were. Their mouths were gaping, accompanying them were frightened expressions on their faces. Vinyl’s shades dropped to the floor with a light clatter as her horn’s glow disappeared. A few awkward moments of silence passed, each moment felt like an eternity, finally one spoke.

“Wh… What’s… Gonna happen to you…?” Vinyl asked quietly. She looked as though she was on the edge of breaking down in tears. I wanted to tell her I would be fine and nothing would happen to me, although it was possible, if this ‘threat’ showed any evidence of happening, I was not so certain I would come out of the situation unscathed.

“I don’t know…” I replied. A single tear rolled from her left eye, another few moments of silence followed. The silence was broken by a loud sob, followed by Vinyl throwing herself at me, embracing me as though it would be the last time she would be able to.

“You don’t know?!” She was able to ask through her crying, having to restart her sentence multiple times. Her sobbing became louder as she held me tighter. Octavia simply stood back, observing us. She also looked to be close to tears, as though one comment from me would cause her to break down in a similar fashion to her mare-friend. Eventually Vinyl’s crying quieted down to light sobs on my shoulder.

“I’ll tell you what you’re going to do.” She whispered. She pulled back slightly to look me in the eyes. She pushed her forehead against mine.

“You’re going to come back to me.” She stated “To Octy, Matt, Paul… Everyone. Do you understand me?”

Can’t promise her anything.

. . .

Well?

Some are made to be broken. If this one has to be broken, so be it.

“I can Pinkie Promise you that.” I whispered. She smiled, tears still falling from her ruby eyes. She quickly gave me a kiss on the cheek and hugged me even more tightly than before.

Hope you can keep that one.

I sure do hope I can…