The Practorian!!

I feel a poke in my side and a voice calling out to me "Hey, get....." He's against the wall, with a knife to his throat before he could finish his sentence. I was very confused at the moment to why I was holding a pony, until I remembered what happened yesterday. He was a white unicorn with two-tone blue mane, he was shaking slightly, eyes wide with fear. I lowered my knife from his throat "Who are you? Why are you in my room?" He takes a breath, to steady his nerves before replying "I'm Shining Armor, Captain of the royal guard. Princess Celestia told me that I'm personally responsible for your training. Also if you'd set me down and put away your knife we can go get some breakfast"

I cautiously drop him back on the ground, putting away my knife back in its sheath. I had woken up in the middle of the night, unable to sleep peacefully, so I had gotten my knife out of my bag and gone back to sleep.

Looking over at him "Don't do that again" I quietly say, he nods nervously. We head down the hallway after I put on my clothing. We head into the guards mess room I see guards sitting at table eating food, eyeing me over.

Grabbing a large plate of fruit before walking to the farthest side of the room to an empty table. I slowly start on my food, I'm soon joined by Shining, who looking at me interest. I sigh loudly " What"

"How?"

"How what?"

"How did I get against the wall with a knife against my throat so fast?"

"I sleep with a knife under my pillow. That right there should tell you I'm that I'm extremely paranoid, plus I was reacting on pure instinct"

He looks at me "You have ten minutes"  'Good leave I like being alone.

Finishing my plate I'm still hungry so I get up to get seconds. While standing at the back of the line, this bird lion thing walks over and stands next to me in line. We look at each other curiously, before I decide to speak.

"Human" I raise an eyebrow at it, pointing at it to say something.

"Griffin" it says in a rough female voice

"Ahh" 'Hmm, a griffin another creature from myth I'm think thiers a pattern here'

I grab another plate of fruit, something the griffin says make me stop me in my tracks.

"Hey, can I get some sausage?" I spin around, pointing a finger at the griffin.

"Did you just fucking say sausage, as in meat?"

"Yeah why? Got a problem with me eating meat!"

"Fuck no, I thought I was going to have to go hunting just to get meat"

"Wait, so you eat meat?"

I smile purposely showing my canines "What do you think?"

She somehow smiles with her beak "You're not bad for a freak."

"Pssh I could say the same thing about you."

I look at the cook pony "Can I get some sausage with bacon too?" He nods. "YES!"

He gives me the plate. The griffin follows me back to my spot siting across from me. The ponies sitting close to our table moves farther away from us.

"So you're a hu-mun? Haven't heard of you before."

"Human and yeah theirs only like two of us on this planet." She raises an eyebrow.

"On this planet, what do you mean by that?"

Setting down my fork, I throw my hands in the air, dropping them in a wide arc "MAGIC" then I pick up my fork and resume eating my sweet salty bacon making my eyes water from pure joy.

"Magic!?"

I nod "Magic."

She rolls her eyes "I'm Flo."

"Leo, so what are you doing here?"

"I'm trying out pony training, I joined the royal guard to see how ponies train and fight. Theirs a pegasus doing the same thing in Gryphus right now too."

"Gryphus, continent, country, province, or city?"

"Country and what's a province."

"Don't worry it's not important."

'That's useful information. I'm going to have to visit a library to figure out more about this planet.

"So did you just start? Cause ponies don't seem really friendly towards you."

She sighs "No, I've been here a month. It's just they don't trust me just because I eat meat. What about you? Why are you here?"

"Been here a day and I guess I almost killed my training officer"

"Whoa, really"

"Yeah, I'm very paranoid. He made the mistake of trying to wake me up, had him up against the wall, knife to his throat before he even knew what was happening"

She silently nods, Shining arrives. "Alright Leo let's go."

I get up, throwing my plate with the other dirty ones before jogging to catch up to Shining  'Here's hoping theirs not a lot of running'.

"Later, Flo."

                                              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*Huff huff* "Goddamn, get over here. I have two fucking feet, you have four. This is not fair at all." Shining looks back at me and laughs.

"Ha. The scary human to slow. Can't even catch me HA HA!!" That makes me angry. Even with my long legs I can't catch the slippery bastard, he just too fast with his four feet. I'm getting worn out, time to change tactics.

A simple plan starts forming in my head. 'If I can't catch the prey, outsmart it'. I fake a fall, landing heavily on my side. I relax my body making it look like I knocked myself out cold. Shining laughs before realizing I'm not getting up. He races over to me.

"Leo, whoa are you aright?" He says, standing next to me.

I open my eyes and smile wickedly at him. He starts to back pedal but it's too late. I grab hold of his legs pulling him in slowly. I'm able to flip him over onto his back earning a grunt. I pin him down by grabbing his legs. I have his back legs in my left hand and front legs in my right hand. Slowly I get up, making sure I don't let his hooves go.

He glares at me. "That was dirty."

I shake my head. "Nope, that's me using sympathy and deception to win. The quote I live by is 'The end justifies the means' and I'm pretty sure that I just won." I drop him back onto the ground.

"So what's next?" I inquire, as he rolls onto his stomach to get up, dusting himself off as he goes.

He smiles evilly at his response. "Obstacle course."

We arrive at the obstacle course. I see a few ponies doing the obstacle course, they seem to be having trouble.

I look over the obstacle course. The first part is a 10ft beam, 3ft in the air. Second part consisted of walls: 3ft, 5ft, and 7ft tall. Third part is a 12ft wall with a rope. Fourth is a wire crawl. And last part is a rope swing across a mud pit.

I look at him, he has a smug look on his face. I give him a neutral look. "Can you clear the obstacle course I want to do a timed run." He shrugs.

He then yells getting everybody's attention. "Alright everypony please clear the obstacle course."

The ponies sit on bleachers, watching me with interest.

"So what are the rules?"

"You have to go across the beam, climb the walls, crawl under the wire and swing across the pit."

'Damn, if I didn't have to climb that last wall I would've just gone through it. I got this though' "Sounds simple enough" I walk over to the starting line and limber up, stretching my arms and legs.

"You ready?" He asks. I nod.

"READY, SET, GO!"

I sprint over to the beam with a hop I lift myself onto it, I grin, my feet are narrower than hooves, keeping my arms out for added balance I'm able to jog across the beam. I jump off, going into a roll to absorb the impact. Getting back to my feet quickly I sprint over to the first wall which easily I hurdle over. I clear the second one by hopping up and rolling over top. I jump using my momentum to pull myself over the third wall.

I come up against the 12ft wall I already have a plan to climb it, I'm just hoping it works. I ignore the rope instead focussing on the wall, I pull back both my hands, making a fist, I punch through the wooden wall creating two foot holes. It stings, but luckily the wall isn't thick. I end up climbing the entire wall by punching through the wall to create foot holes. It's not as fast as going right through the wall but it's still faster than using the rope. When I reach the top I grab the rope and slide down fireman style. I touch the ground letting go of the rope, I quickly dive to the ground scraping both my arms and knees, I army crawl under the wire, and I get to the end with no problem.

Hopping quickly to my feet, putting everything I have into the run to the rope, I push off the ledge using as much forward momentum as I can muster. Grabbing hold of the rope mid-air I hold on as It swings me across the gap, letting go at the apex of my swing, and landing with a roll. I continue forward using my momentum to roll back to my feet. I shakily continue forward almost tripping as I go last few yards to the finish line.

I bend over, resting my hands on my knee, panting hard. My knuckles were badly bruised, along with my arms and legs which was scraped, trickling blood. Ponies gathered around me, I looked up their faces were priceless, all gaping at me.

I straighten up too quickly causing me to become dizzy, I slowly stumble over to the bench. I can feel my heart beating quickly, but it's slowly coming down.

"So.. how did I ...do?" I ask out of breath.

"2:36.... You.. you broke the previous record." Shining looks dumbfounded.

"Yeah, and who held the previous record?" I ask curiously.

"Me with a time of 2:57." I laugh weakly, still out of breath from pushing myself so hard.

"So, Shining what's next?" The ponies slowly disperse, going back to their training.

Shining shaking his head, says, "We have to go for another run, then we hit the gym, then lunch. After lunch Sir Raymond has you." I nod I figured as much.

"Alright, me and you, every morning we eat, run, run obstacle course, run, workout, eat, everyday for 4 months?"

He looks at me "Do you have a problem with that?"

"Nope, sounds like fun." A smile on my face.

"You're insane."

I stare at him "And?"

"And?" He asks confused.

"And your point being?"

He stares at me. I stare right back at him.

He turns, chuckling "Come on, before you make me crazy."

I smile "You're not crazy yet? I'm going to have to try harder."

I see him shaking his head, as I run after him "You make me crazy then you'll have to deal with my wife.".

"You know what an oxymoron is?"

"Yeah."

"You want to hear a funny one?"

"Sure."

"Happily Married" We both start laughing, running next to each other.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After we finish our running, exercising and eating. Shining Armor drops me off at Ray's office. I wave him off, going inside I see Ray sitting in a red recliner, smoking an old fashion pipe. He motions for me to sit with his free hand, which I do, resting my feet after the running I did. I lean back in my chair kicking my shoes off to let them breath.

"So?" I ask.

"So" He responds.

"..."

"..."

We sit there for several seconds, staring at each other, him slowly breathing in his pipe through his mouth and out through his nose.'Goddamn it, he better not try to pull mystic old guy full of wisdom and shit like Yoda or Gandalf'

"Alright Ray..." I begin.

"Sir Raymond" He interrupts.

I roll my eyes "Sorry. Sir Raymond, what are we doing?"

He takes a deep puff from his pipe, before setting it down. He stands up grabbing his sword, he pulls it out of his sheath

"Do you know what this is?"

"A sword" I reply like a smart ass.

"Yes, but that's obvious but do you know what kind?"

I lean forward to take a closer look at it "I'd guess English"

"Yes, what else?"

My knowledge limited on swords I take a wild guess "An English bastard sword, it has that long bleeder down the middle. I believe I've seen that sword on movies about the great crusade"

"Correct, it's mostly referred to as a 'hand and a half English bastard sword'. Hand and a half referring to the hilt of the sword, it can be used with either a two or one handed style of fighting. That 'bleeder' as you called is actually called a 'fuller'.

"Alright cool. So why are telling me this?"

"You have to understand a weapon before you can use it. Alright, so what's this?" He says pointing at part of the hilt.

I sigh "That's the cross guard"

"And this"

"Pommel"

"Good"

We spend an hour going over the sword parts, he asks what each piece is. I get most of the names right since knives are similar to swords. He taught me things I didn't know like that the 'forte' was what you defended with, which was the wide part near the cross guard and the 'foible' and 'point' was what you attacked with the 'foible' being the thin, part near the end and the 'point' was.... well the point.

After we had a lesson on proper sharpening and cleaning procedures, which again wasn't a problem since I kept all my knives sharpened and cleaned at home.

"Alright now what are we doing?" I ask, feeling pretty tired from the long day.

"Practice, now we practice. Pick your sword "

I look over and on the table is a practice sword, a little bigger than Ray's. I pick it up, surprised by how heavy it is  I raise an eyebrow testing the weight "Magic"

He laughs heartily "Yes, you learn quick" I quickly swing it around it feels so natural in my hand. I quickly bring it up and down, I grab it with two hands and bring it to a ready position.

"So, how are you going to teach me?"

"You've already got a two-handed stance, so let's give that a try" I nod.

"Alright spread your feet evenly apart, get a good centre of balance.... like that" he instructs.

He starts to circle me, I turn with him keeping my feet in a widen stance "Alright Leo, I want you to only defend, you can't attack if you're dead " I nod, understanding the point he's trying to make.

He attacks with a heavy, downward strike I quickly bring my sword into a solid block taking the weight in my arms.

"Good, blocking an attack outright will work but if you parry it takes less of your strength and can unbalance your opponent" I take a deep breath to calm my nerves.

He attacks with another heavy, downward swing and I parry, instead of blocking.

"Good good, you're learning quickly. Now you can dodge an attack altogether by just stepping out of the way " I nod again.

He goes for another heavy, downward swing which completely miss me because I side step to the right. He follows through causing himself to become unbalanced, leaving seemingly open to an attack. I smirk, raising my sword I go in for a cleave.

Before I'm able to hit him, he's somehow able to redirect my sword straight at my face CRACK. I drop my sword grabbing my now broken nose "JESUS FUCK!" I look at my hands to see that they are bloody.

He, along with those guards present in the courtyard start laughing at my misfortune. He pokes me with his sword "Don't. Get. Cocky, I'm going easy cause I know you've never held a sword before. Me, I was a sword fighting instructor before I came here. 'Well fuck, no wonder he's good. He's fucking been doing this longer than I've been alive'.

I gently prod my nose finding where it's broken at. I take a few quick breaths before moving it back in its original position.

Crack I grunt in pain, Ismiling as a few ponies flinch, I pick up my sword and go back into a ready position.

We continue fighting for another hour. Well, I call it fighting most people would call it slaughter. Ray moved about like a dancer, while I moved more like a wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube man. I tried to keep up my defence trying to dodge or parry, but every time I would dodge one blow I'd get hit on the other side. Near the end I was able to stop one attack with my sword and duck under another.

Ray soon called it a day. He told me I did good and to go wash up for dinner I looked at my PCU and was surprised that it was 6:30. He tells me I have a permanent room now and has guard to show me to my new room.

So here I was standing in my new apartment showering. I was washing the blood from my face and rubbing my sore muscles. I was letting the water run down my body ,and it felt good.

Knock Knock.

Somebody was at my door, shutting off the water, I begin towelling myself dry. I don't bother covering myself up, so I just step out of the shower. I turn the door handle and open it up to; Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, and Twilight.

POMF POMF As soon as I opened the door they realize I'm naked. Their eyes simultaneously drop below my waist. I hear a chorus of 'Oh my'

I roll my eyes, moving out of the way to let them enter. They have to drag both pegasi in to my apartment. I walk back into the bathroom to wrap myself with a towel, since my pant's and shirt soaking in the sink to try to remove the dirt before dinner.

I walk back into my living room, to half a dozen blushing ponies. I smirk as I speak "I would have thought ponies, being naked all the time, wouldn't mind me being naked as much but I guess I was wrong or you're all just perverts" Their face go redder than before, probably from embarrassment and shame.

"Yes, sorry darling we weren't expecting...that" Rarity says waving her hoof in the air, she coughs awkwardly "Also you don't have much fur on your body"

Fluttershy is staring out in space "Why was it out like that?" She eeps when she realizes what she said.

I scratch my chin, before I realize what she talking about "Oh it's always like that it....grows, I don't have a sheath like your males I guess"

They all turn their heads at my crotch surprising me by their lack of tack. The awkwardness grows as they continue to stare.

"So yeah, what are you guys doing here?" This seems to get their attention.

"Sorry, again, we came here so I could give you these" She reaches into her saddlebag and pulls out a package. I reach over, taking it from her. Ripping it open, I hold up a pair of pants and shirts.

"Oh wow, thanks Rarity. How did you know my size..or body style"

"Please dear. You don't simply become a clothing designer and not know how to make clothing for all types of customers"

"Yeah, but I have a completely different body make then you"

"Yes, but Twilight got me a minotaur mannequin..."

"WHOA! WHAT! MINOTAUR! You have minotaur's here?" I ask, interrupting Rarity.

"Yeah, do you mean there aren't minotaur's back where you come from?" Twilight asks.

I shake my head "No, it's only humans and animals. Minotaur's are just myth's, well I guess so are pegasi, unicorns and griffins... speaking of griffins I met one named Flo and it seems ponies are... 'speciesist', it seems she doesn't have any friends just because she eats meat"

"Yes, but that's because meat eaters are ruffians and barbaric" I quietly stare at Rarity, until everypony feels uncomfortable, I cross my legs resting my elbows on my knees and interlock my fingers.

Rarity gulps, before speaking "You're a meat eater aren't you?"

I nod, tilt my head to the side and smile revealing my canines.

Then I burst out laughing "Sorry, it was just too good an opportunity to pass up on"

I clear a tear away, settling down I get up I'm about to change right there in front of them but stop 'I'm not going to give them a free show f they want it they can pay' I walk back into the bathroom making sure to shut the door. The clothes fit nice though they're a little tight in some areas, but I'm think she did it on purpose.

I walk out wearing a pair of imitation light blue jeans and a royal purple shirt the same colour as Rarity's mane. I take a short bow before Rarity "I would like you to be my date to dinner, Miss Rarity. To show my gratitude for the new clothes, of course" I hear the others whisper something, but It's not loud enough for me to pick up.

Rarity perks up upon hearing my proposal" I would love to be your date...to make up for calling you barbaric" She smiles sheepishly.

I smile back at her "Then let's go" I open the door letting Rarity out into the hallway, I call back to the others "Alright, fuckers out. I'm hungry let's go"

They file out of the room glaring at me. I shrug, shutting the door behind me, I make my way to the front of the group next to Rarity. We start making our way to the dinner. I decide to start-up some small talk.

"So, what did you ladies do today?" I ask.

Rarity answers first of course "Well, I designed and made the wonderful clothes you are wearing"

"Ya, you've already told him you made his clothes, Rarity" Rainbow says, rolling her eyes " I...took a nap"

I laugh, raising my eyebrow "All day"

She nods "Yup, the ponies here in Canterlot get the high-class clouds and their just perfect for sleeping on"

I shake my head, while laughing "I want to try out a cloud, they've always looked pretty comfy"

"Nah, only pegasi can sleep comfortably on clouds, everypony else falls through unless they have a cloud walking spell, which makes the cloud feel like mushy sponges"

I sigh "Not even in freaking ponyland with magic, can I sleep on a freaking cloud!" I sigh again "Anyways what did the rest of you do?"

"I had to go back too Ponyvile to feed my animals, but when I came back I helped Rarity with your clothes" Fluttershy says.

"I helped out mah cousin Caramel, with selling apples" Applejack says proudly.

"I visited with the Princess and my family. Also you and I are going to have study session tomorrow" Twilight says the last part with a twinkle in her eyes.

My eyes lit up remembering I need Twilight's help with something "Good cause I need your help to make three crossbows"

Pinkie Pie starts jumping around "Oh! what’s a crossbow, is it like a party?" She asks with a wide grin.

I look at her frowning "No, it's not like a party" I stroke my chin thinking about how to describe a crossbow "It's a long piece of wood with two limbs and a string attached to the limbs. You pull back on the sting causing tension on the limbs that are trying to return to their original position, then you place a stick on the string and when you let the string go the stick flies off"

She stops jumping around "That doesn't sound fun"

I grin "It's fun for me"

"What purpose does it serve?" Asks a curious Twilight.

"Think Twilight? What would you do with something that can send a pointy stick in any direction you want. Also the pointy stick is travelling very fast...Also..it kills things" I say the last part in a bored voice.

They all stop walking "Why would you want something like that?" Applejack asks.

"Uh, probably to kill things. Which would make sense if you thought about it" I say, unamused "Like really that should have been the first thing you thought of after I told you it killed things"

"But why would you need to kill things?" She ask concerned.

"I'm not following.....You guys know that I'm going to kill a lot if I become a knight....Actually know that I think of it I'm going to have to set-up a contract with Celestia"

Rarity steps in "But, knights are supposed to be heroes, saving ponies and throwing the bad pony in jail after honourably defeating and sparing their lives"

"Yeah, I'll save ponies, but no way am I going to spare a bad guys life, also if I can I'm going to shoot him before he even knows I'm there" I say smugly.

"You mean you're just going to kill everypony?" Fluttershy asks nervously.

I think about it for a minute "Well, no-- they all let out the breath they were holding in----I wasn't going to kill you six" I start walking again before they can say anything else.

They follow behind me in silence. We eventually get there. I hold the door open for them as they enter. I let the door shut on its own taking a seat next to Rarity. I see Celestia and Luna sitting in their spots but sitting on Celestia right is another alicorn roughly same pink as Pinkie but with a multicolored mane, sitting next to her is Shining, next to him is another white unicorn with a blond mane.

I don't see Ray, and I assume he isn't going to join us anytime soon.

"Sup Shining" I say, raising my hand in a greeting, in a small wave. He smiles, dipping his head slightly in a nod.

"Oh good you two are getting along. How was your first day of training Leo" Celestia says, before sipping a drink.

"Oh it went good. Woke up, almost killed Shining, got breakfast, met a griffin, chased down Shining, caught the bastard, broke his time on the obstacle course, ran, exercised, ate lunch, got a lesson on how to properly clean swords and armor, fought Ray, lost to Ray, broke my nose, fixed my nose, showered, flashed those six, got new clothing, got a dinner date from Rarity, got a date with Twilight tomorrow, and now I'm talking to a pretty pony princess"

They Twilight, Celestia, the pink alicorn, and shining stare at me before shouting at me.

"You flashed my sister!"

"You almost killed my brother!"

"You think I'm pretty?"

"YOU ALMOST KILLED MY HUSBAND!"

"You almost killed my captain!"

"WE DO NOT HAVE A DATE TOMORROW IT'S A STUDY SESSION..... A STUDY SESSION!"

I clean my ear out with my pinkie, before answering "Yeah, it was a normal day for me"

I grab a glass from the butler "Thanks Jeeves" I take a sip before continuing "So that's your wife then Shining?"

"Uh.. yes,yes this is my wife Princess Mi Amore Cadenza"

She glares at me, grinding her teeth "Yes, but you can call me, Cadence,  the alicorn of love"

My face turns from one of happiness to one of sadness. Everypony in the room feels the shift of my mood, causing a lull in the conversation.

I stand walking into the kitchen, I startle the chefs as I make my way over to the freezer I open it up and sure enough I find some sort of steak. Grabbing It I walk back out of the kitchen. They stop talking as soon as I walk into the room, staring at the meat.

"Shining, if you want to wake me up use a buzzer or a triangle. Twilight, we still on for tomorrow?--She nods----Good I'm going back to my room. Nopony is to bother me" With that I stroll out of the room in silence.

I slowly make my way back to my room with the steak in my hand.

Cooking it to a medium rare before using my hands to rip it apart and eat it.

I went to bed depressed that night, on a positive note the bed was the right size.