The Practorian!!

by Fiery Knight

Discord Day

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Knock Knock Knock

I groan rolling onto the floor Thud “I’m up” ‘Another night of nightmares I won’t remember' getting up I throw my pants on,  casually walking to the door. Opening it I find a worried Twilight.

“Leo you have come with me right now!!” She pleads.

“What is it?”

“We found a female human” She says.

Slamming my door shut not bothering to throw on my shirt,  bending over I scoopTwilight up and take off down the hallway. Holding her under my arm like a football as I thunder down the hallway using my free hand to ‘help’ me turn. Which involves running into the wall and pushing off.

I jump over Shining Armor landing with Thud barely pausing to notice him before taking off again, Shining following closely behind me as I carry a startled Twilight into the throne room, I’m surprised by what I see.

Standing in the throne room are: three princesses, five elements, and Flo.....and they're all smiling.....at me.

I set down Twilight who start walking over to her friends, though she's very dizzy missing her friends by a few feet.

I turn around looking at Shining who’s also sporting a huge grin.

“Where’s the human” I say whipping my head back around to face the gathered crowd.

“Discord Day” They all shout, Luna's voice making me fall over.

“What the fuck is Discord day?” I ask, lying on the ground.

The pink bouncing demon known as Pinkie Pie starts jumping on my chest explaining Discord Day “It’s a day dedicated to Discord. You pull pranks in his honour”

“Alright, so who was this Discord guy then?”

“Silly, Discord's not dead. He’s an immortal god of chaos and disharmony”

“......Aren’t the six of you the elements of ‘harmony’.....How does that help you bring harmony” I turn to Celestia “I don’t think you need a human to come and kill shit for you I think you need to apply logic” I just told Celestia in the nicest way possible that she’s fucktarded.

She chuckles at me “Leo, this day is the day when Discord was reformed to fight for good. That’s why it’s celebrated to show that even if he’s not evil he can still use his powers for god and get a chuckle out of it”

I conceit defeat “Okay Celestia, where is this Discord, immortal god of chaos and disharmony”

“Gone” Her faces shows sadness.

“I thought Pinks, just said he was immortal, and last time I checked immortal were well immortal”

“He left, one year ago today. He pranked me, Luna and Cadence and then just vanished no good-byes not nothing”

“Was he your friend?”

Celestia looks to Luna, who has a similar hurt look in her eyes “Yes, Discord has a colourful history with us. Maybe one day we’ll tell you the story”She says somberly “We put a statue of him in the garden he’s hard to miss he’s the only non-pony out there”

‘Maybe one day I’ll care enough to listen but right now.... revenge!!’

“So this was all a prank then?! And today is a day off?” Their nods, seal their doom.

I clear my throat, projecting an authoritative voice as I begin to speak “Very well for your act of transgression in making me believe their was another human of the opposite gender. I, Leonidas will retaliate, with accordance to the rules set in place by the Geneva convention....May Celestia have mercy on your souls for I will not” I stare over everybody present, before turning on my heel, opening the door and leaving the room. Hopefully I leave it full of fearful ponies, griffin and minotaur.

‘Vengence can wait. First sustenance. Second Discord statue. Third hellfire and death...wait? no!! no hellfire, no death! Just pranks’

I head for the mess hall, I hear flapping coming from behind me, it’s slowly getting louder. I can tell it’s Flo from her distinct flapping. Griffins and pegasi have very different flapping, with the griffins being heavy and slow, pegasi being light and fast.

She stops flying deciding to walk with me. She start rubbing my leg as I walk, I look down to her giving me a beak smile, which should be impossible but isn’t.

“You wouldn't prank me would you? Not sweet, innocent me” She says, in her sweetest voice possible.

“Alright” I say, flatly.

She stops walking looking at me in confusion “Really?”

I stop to look at her

“Yes”

“Just like that?”

“Did you just surrender?”

Her smile widens “Yes I did”

While we're walking around the castle a lot of the castle servants are staring at my bare chest.... All of them are mares.

“Flo, why do all the females keep giving me looks”

She goes red, and tries to sputter out a response. Which confirms my suspicions. Either they like the exotic or I’m damn sexy. Now I know I’m not ugly, but I’m nowhere close to being a George Clooney, I’m not bothered by the attention, in fact it amuses me because I’ve caught Twilight and her friends lustfully staring at me, I know Flo is staring at me right now! I’m not a hundred percent sure if Celestia or Luna stare at me, if they do they're good at hiding it, but I guess when you’re as old as them you pick up a thing or two.

We make it to the mess which is very empty. I just grab a small bowl of fruit salad.   Flo gets a large plate of fish.

‘Must be hungry’

I finish eating before Flo so I just wait watching her eat. It’s weird ‘cause along with her beak she also has teeth, she fits the entire fish in her mouth, before pulling just the bones out of her mouth. She's on the last piece before noticing I’m staring at her. She starts blushing profusely.  We maintain eye contact as she slowly puts the fish in her mouth, then pulls out just the bones.

She slowly puts the fish down, we wait a few awkward minutes before I slap myself in the face. Flo raises an eyebrow at me “What was that for?”

I get up from my seat walking to the door I cast a glance over my shoulder at her “I was starting to get a bit....stiff”

I walk out the door, listening to her cough.

                       ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I find Discords statue in no time, since it is fact the weirdest piece of art ever. It’s a head, just a head but it’s really fucked up.

I walk up to it, placing my hand on it gives me a shock, but I’m unable to remove my hand. My eyes unfocus as I feel a pressure in my head.

‘Ah hello Leo, welcome to your mind’ an entity says in my head.

‘I guess you must be Discord’ I say, calmly.

‘Very perceptive human. Yes I’m Discord....I’m currently out of the universe right now....But I need you to do some things for me......Think of them as quests...... but first before I tell you, I’m going to need to see that you’re capable.....I know you’re planning on pranking the princesses along with the element bearers......Come back here when you pranked them’

‘Sure. I like quests you usually get something cool....or die’

‘Ahahaha I like you human..... Yes if you’re able to complete the quest...... you’ll be rewarded handsomely’

As quickly as his presence came it was gone, I removed my hand from the statue, while shaking my head.

‘So that’s what it feels like to be contacted by a powerful god...Now if only I absorbed dragon souls and killed things by yelling at them I could be called dovahkiin’

‘Money. I’m going to need a few things to prank the princesses. Who has money I can have....Ray’

I jog back into the castle stopping first to put on a shirt, then making my way to Ray’s room.

He opens the door after the third knock.

“Yes, Leo”

“I need money”

He nods, going over to his desk he grabs a large money bag. He tosses it to me before shutting the door. I stop it before he can close it all the way.

“Just like that no question asked”

“Leo” He says rubbing his forehead “You’re an adult, and you got ripped out of your own universe without anything. Do you really expect the Princess wouldn't give you a reasonable amount of bits”

Thinking hard on it, I turn around leaving him to shut the door.

After finding the market (and black market) I’m able to scrounge up everything I need into my backpack.

-x2 Rope bundles

-x20 Bananas

-x20 Condoms

-Stake

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

First up was Luna, I made my way onto the castle roof.  The guards patrolling the area hadn’t even see me as made my way up. I made damn sure to double check my knots on the simple harness I made. I tied one end of the rope to a chimney, before making my way to edge overlooking Luna’s room. I dropped the rope onto her balcony with a quit ‘Thud’ I listen to see if I had woken her up.

Nothing, I was in the clear. Saying a quick prayer to Discord that I wouldn’t fall to my death, since I haven’t gone repelling in years. Descending was quick, I kept the harness on as I awkwardly waddled into her room.

I pulled out the condoms filled with banana’s and vanilla pudding, carefully placing them all over Luna’s room. With that done I left her room making sure to close her door. I eased myself off her balcony, I stop in the air just above Shining and Cadence, who seem to be talking about me.

“He seemed pretty serious this morning, Shining. Do you actually think he’ll go through with it?” Asks a worried Cadence.

“I know he will honey, but as long as we stay vigilant and keep on eye out nothing bad will happen. It’s not like he’ll fall out of the sky anytime soon” He says, proudly reassuring a worrying Cadence.

“You should never say things like that Shining” I shout above him. Laughing as I cut the rope. They both look up, but it too late the sudden acceleration towards the ground has begun, with Shining being directly in the way.

‘Crash’

I get up, dusting myself off. I look at Shining and Cadence who’s helping him up.

“Never say that. You never know who might being hanging around” I tell him, taking off my harness, throwing it in my bag.

“What were you doing up there” He asks, casting a suspicious eye at where I just came from.

The angry voice of the lunar goddess answers his question, it also gives me a reason to vamanos.

“WHERE DID ALL THESE BANANAS COME FROM?!!!....LEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOO”

After leaving the scene of the crime, I run across  Rarity. She seems to be shopping for clothing material. After stalking her for twenty minutes from the roof tops she finally makes her way into a shop. I shimmy down the sides of the building, into an alleyway. Finding the back door I look around before slipping in.

Immediately taking in my surroundings I’m inside a dress shop’s backroom. It’s a long narrow room with room for one of two people to walk at a time, the sides are lined with hundreds of dresses on racks.

Crossing the room to the door, I jump into the dress racks in an attempt to hide when the door opens. I see auburn legs walk past me, they stop grabbing a dress and making their way back to the door. I wipe the sweat off my brow when the legs leave.

Getting out of the dress I crack open the door, to check if the coast is clear. I don’t see anybody so I open it a little more I see Rarity talking to the auburn mare that just got the dress from the back room. What catches my eye is that she not wearing her bag. Looking around I see it’s on the counter next to me. I smile evilly as I pull the lingerie socks out, I stuff them in her bag. I exit the room before Rarity and the auburn mare know the wiser of my little prank.

As I’m walking around the city looking for my next victim I catch a glimpse of orange. I quickly duck into a nearby alley. I climb to the roof to get a good vantage point. I should note that while ponies have a wider field of view then me. I can see further out and things above me better.

Applejack is standing at a cart full of apples, next to a caramel colour stallion who if I were to guess was Caramel. I take out the apple and orange ironically Caramel was the one who sold me the apple.

I get to work first peeling the orange in a single peel, then I remove the skin from the apple, fitting the orange slice over the apple, glueing it together for a seemingly perfect fit. Happy with how my orpple worked out, I throw the orange pieces in my mouth before and the orpple in my pocket, before shimmy down the wall onto the street.

I wave to Applejack as I cross the street “Hey Applejack. Is this your cousin Caramel?”

Applejack throws a hoof around ‘Caramel’ “Yup sugarcube this ‘ere’s Caramel. Caramel meet Leo”

“I’ve already met Leo. I actually sold him an apple earlier” He says, confidently.

“Oh really” Applejack says, surprised “and how was it, Leo”

“Oh I haven’t eaten it yet, but I think I will now” I say removing the orpple from my pocket “It looks real tasty Applejack”

“Sugrcube, that there not an apple. That there’s an orange”She says, bluntly.

I look at my creation, “Uhh Applejack ya’ll ‘right. ‘Cause I’m pretty sure this is an apple. The same one Caramel gave me a while ago. I thought you knew your apples being a apple farmer and everything”

She let’s off an angry snort “That their Leo is ‘an orange not a Sweet Apple Acre’s apple”

“Are you sure cause Caramel just gave it to me little over an hour or two ago”

She turns to Caramel “Caramel” She snaps “Did you give Leo that”

“N..NNo” He stutters out, under the glare that Applejack is giving him.

She turns to me with another angry snort “See there Leo, Caramel says that he didn’t give you an orange, and apples don’t lie”

“Alright if you say so” I pull back the orange peel to reveal an actual Sweet Apple Acre’s apple.

“Why you no good rattlesnake in a boot” Let’s off an angry Applejack.

I take a bite of the ‘non apple’ “Hmmm ...Oh my.......this is one of the best ‘oranges’ I’ve ever had. Too bad it’s not a Sweet Apple Acre’s apple” I say, oozing with sarcasm.

As soon as I explain to a very confused Caramel he start laughing his head off, until Applejack shoots him a sideways glare.

I leave the angry Applejack looking for my next victim, I get it in the form of Twilight, who’s walking around with an older mare, who I assume is her mother, since they both look very similar. My plans for Twilight’s prank just goes from harmless to evil I just have to make it back to her house.

I make my way to Twilight, making sure I’m in front of them both.

“Hiya Twi, who’s this lovely mare”

Twilight stiffens, when I call the mare lovely. Bingo Twilights mother.

“Oh hello Leo this is my mother, Velvet Sparkle”

I get down on one knee gently picking up Velvet’s hoof, I place a gentle kiss on it.

“Mrs.Sparkle , only a beautiful mare such as yourself could be the mother of the love of my life” I say, in fake romance.

“WHAT!?” Twilight shouts loud enough to rival Luna voice.

I turn to Twilight faking hurt feeling “My love. Have you not told her yet, I thought we came out here to tell them the good news....... About our marriage”

“WHAT!?” She yells like a broken record, placing her hoof on her chest.

She turns to her mother whose face is full of excitement and happiness.

‘Well now I feel kind of bad....Nah no I don’t’

“Mom he lyi....” Twilight begins but is interrupted “My little Twi is getting married, we have to tell your father right away”

In a amazing feat of unicorn magic, Velvet Sparkle is able to snowplow through the canterlot elite, while holding a struggling Twilight and me.

We reach what I presume is Velvet’s home, she open the door yelling to her husband “Night light Night light, get out here!!

“What is it dear?” Yells a voice from the basement.

“Mom please lis...” Twilight is interrupted yet again by her mother “Our little Twi is getting married”

“What” Yells the voice from in the basement, I hear the hooves galloping up the stairs.

From out of a basement comes a dark stallion, he looks quite like Shining if Shining was a different colour, etched on his face is absolute joy.

“Our little filly’s finally getting married honey” He says, upon seeing me his joy doubles “And to a future knight too”

I don’t question how they do know that but I do question the fact that they're letting their daughter get married to somebody that’s only been on the planet less than a week, but hey don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.

“Dad...”Twilight begin before I interrupt her “It’s an honour to meet you, sir. Twilight has told me a great many things about you and I look forward to impressing you. Unfortunately Princess Celestia's going to need me soon to discuss the future of Canterlot and how when I marry Twilight we’re going to own our own portion of Equestria. I must leave you, for now but I hope to see you soon” ‘No I don’t’

I bend down and give Twilight a hug and a peck on the cheek whispering into her ear, so only she can hear what I say “Burn Twilight Burn” I open the door but turn around to face Twilight and her family.

“I almost forgot to give you your book Twilight”

“My book?” She asks.

“Yes” I search around my bag before pulling it out and tossing it towards Velvet how catches it with her magic.

She reads the cover out loud so both Twilight and her dad can hear the name “Mares of Gray”

‘Click’ They look at door when they hear the click, then to their daughter looking for answers.

I laugh manically as I hear Twilight stumble over her words as to why she wanted that book.

I check my watch to find it’s noon already. I make my way to the food district of Canterlot, I find Rainbow and Pinkie sitting at a table eating..fries?!

They wave me over, so I join them at their corner table “Hey Leo” they say.

“Hiya Pinks sup Dashie”

“Dashie? That’s your big Discord Day prank, please I’ve been called worse by my mother”

I fake feeling hurt “Really Dashie you’d think me so petty, as to call you Dashie. I think it’s a beautiful name for a beautiful mare. Unfortunately that promise I made to you I kinda broke it”

“What promise?”

“The promise to not eat ponies” I say as I pull out my chicken wings, which are just the right size to look like kid pegasus wings “See there was this really annoying pegasus so I thought.. Why not try a little nibble. So I made fried wings....and pie” I say, pulling out the pie crust.

“Want a piece of pie Pinkie? I know you love pie” I ask innocently.

The once blue and pink ponies now look very green.

I laugh, taking another bite of the wing, I leave the pie crust there as I grab a small container of ketchup from the store , flipping the owner a bit as I leave.

I make my way back to the castle, none of the guards stop my progress so I assume I’m in the clear.

I see Fluttershy, out in the garden singing to the birds. I take out the plushy of the squirrel, placing it in my mouth I squeeze the ketchup around my mouth, making it look like I just savagely slaughtered a woodland critter.

I growl as I walk up to Fluttershy making her ‘eep’ and spin around. Upon seeing the squirrel in my mouth, she does the opposite of what I expected her to do.

She gets angry.

Flying up to my face her eyes do a funky dance as she tries to intimidate me.

I laugh, dropping the plushy to the ground, rubbing her head.

“Fluttershy your cute when you’re angry”

She drops down to check on the ‘injured’ squirrel, she looks back up at me confused.

“Fake squirrel and ketchup” I say, causing her to relax.

“That wasn’t funny, I thought you had actually gone and killed a squirrel”

I look sadly at her“Fluttershy. If I killed a squirrel I wouldn’t come and eat it in front of you”

She looks down whispering “But you are going to kill a squirrel?”

I crouch down, lifting her muzzle up to me “Yes, but only because it’s who I am. If I told you to not take care of your animals would you”

“No”

“Exactly because taking care of your animals is what makes you... you. I’m an omnivore so I have to kill to eat, but I also eat fruits and vegetables. I’m not some mindless beast that goes around slaughtering innocent animals for no reason. I’m a thinking beast that goes around slaughtering my enemies” I say with a light chuckle.

‘Hey look at that. I’m making a joke and not lying’

She gives me a weak smile, bopping me in the nose “Alright mister as long as you don’t eat my pets.....If that’s alright with you”

I grab her into a bear hug “There you’re technically my first friend here now Fluttershy. Don’t make me regret it!”

“What about the others”

“Acquaintances”

“You have a trouble trusting ponies Leo”

“No, I’m just wise to what happens when you get betrayed” I say darkly.

She rubs my back, with a wingtip “Just try to trust them...For me”

I nod, setting her back on the ground.

“Alright then Flutters, I’m off I still have vengeance”

I takes me two hours of stalking Shining Armor and Cadence, before they finally return to their rooms. I tried getting a servant to take me but they told me ‘they were told not to show the human what room was theirs.’

‘Hmm bastard’s smarter than I thought’

Shining and Cadence are staying in one of the guest rooms, there's about 6 rooms on each side of this hallway. I try the room next to theirs, it opens revealing, an unused room. I shut the door as I enter, I listen to them talk next door when I hear them leave I open the door to the balcony. I look at the jump I have to make.

I’m going to have to do a running jump to clear the gap. Running I use the railing to get some air.

I’m able to grab a hold of the other balcony's railing to stop me from falling to my death, I climb up the side rolling over the side onto the ground. I get up, opening the sliding door into their room. I take out both books putting them in their respective bags, then I use some of Cadence’s lipstick to write a message on the wall ‘Hope you like the gifts'. HAHAHAHAH’

I check the time I have about two hours till dinner, might as well get it ready. I leave out the front door, I’m halfway to the dinning room when I suddenly realize the door was never locked to their room in the first place.....’FUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCK’

‘I take it back Shining....is a dumb fuck’

I get to the dinning room to find it’s empty, setting up my gear I throw the rope up onto the chandelier, I pull myself up, hanging above Celestia’s spot. I roll up the rope putting it back in my bag, trying to find a comfortable position. When I achieve a semi-comfortable position, I start relaxing waiting for dinner to start.

When dinner finally rolls around, and everybody shows up I’m the last one that needs to show up. Everybody is here Ray, Blueblood, SA, Cadence, Celestia, Luna, Elements, Flo and Iron.

SA, Cadence, Luna, Twilight, Applejack, and Rainbow are all angry, presumably at me. Rarity probably hasn’t seen what’s in her bag, Pinkie can take a joke, and Fluttershy wouldn’t hurt a fly.

The last person I have to get tonight is Celestia, which is rapidly approaching.

“Has anypony seen, Leo. He’s the last one to get here” Asks a concerned Celestia.

“I’ve seen him alright and when I get my hooves on him I’ll...” She shuts up when everybody’s looking at her like she's crazy “Hehe...Never mind” She says quietly.

“Nah, princess I’ve not seen hide nor hair of Leo since lunch time” Says an irritated Applejack

“Sorry, I haven’t seen Leo all day. Nor has he played a horrible prank on me, he must know I’m a proper lady”

“Pshh, as if Rarity he probably got you and you just haven’t noticed it yet. He probably put something in your saddlebag, while you weren’t looking” Rainbow Dash says looking at Rarity’s saddlebag. Everybody goes quiet all staring at Rarity’s saddlebag, including Rarity herself.

Rarity’s horn lights up, as she quickly grabs a hold of her saddlebag. Stuffing her head a in the bag she, frantically rummages through it, she suddenly stops pulling her head out, which has taken on a reddish hue, she places it down coughing lightly.

“It’s nothing, I couldn’t find anything different” She says in a squeaky voice.

Applejack smirks “It doesn’t take me being the element of Honesty to know you’re lying Rarity”

Twilight’s horn fires up and in a poof Rarity’s saddlebag is in front of her. She start digging through it as Rarity complains “Twilight, don’t you know it’s rude to go through a ladies bag”

“He told my parents we were getting married, then through ‘Mares of Gray’ at my mother...I had to explain what it was to her and she borrowed it” She snaps, back “Whatever is in here can’t be that ba....” She trails off pulling out Rarity’s sexy socks.

Causing everybody except Flo to blush profusely.

Twilight stuffs them back in the bag before floating it back over to Rarity, who quickly hides her bag.

They begin sharing their stories of how I pranked them all over food, even getting a few good laughs out of it.

When the table is cleared, Celestia speaks up “I still don’t know where Leo is hanging around at”

Shining remembering our incident earlier today looks up spotting me sitting on the chandelier, I smile evilly at him as I drop from the chandelier, before he’s able to utter a single word I hit the table landing eye level in a crouched position .

“Boo” I yell in her face.

Her first reaction is to scream her second is to blast me with solar energy, I go flying across the room into the wall. I peel myself of the wall, landing on my knees, my body still sizzling.

I feel an intense power inside of me trying to escape, I throw up my right arm letting the energy leave I send a beam of energy right through the roof before slumping down exhausted.

They're all by my side in seconds checking me over for injuries, I open my mouth letting smoke come out as I cough.

“Worth it” I wheeze out, before falling into unconsciousness.

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