If You Can't Beat 'em, Eat 'em!

A few days had passed since Gilda’s pizza training and progress had been slow-going. The combination of Big Mac’s exhausting physical training and Gilda’s forced overeating had led to the same result each of the previous nights. Applejack and Rainbow Dash would find themselves rushing frantically to the nearby toilet to puke all the contents of their stomaches, although no longer were they forced to eat through the nausea, Joshua and Pinkie Pie had seen to that, threatening to turn the gryffin into pot roast if she tried a stunt like that again. As important as they knew helping Applejack and Rainbow Dash get prepared for the eatoff was, they were damned if they were gonna let Gilda borderline ABUSE them.

Josh had gotten out of the hospital, although now sporting a set of stitches on the back of his skull covered by his hair, and was ready to resume Dash’s duties on the weather patrol. Although the request he was currently asking of Hammerhead was one that bewildered the pegasus to no extent.

“You want me to pair you again with HER?!”

“Yes, I want to help Derpy on her rounds today.”, Josh nodded in resolution.

“Look, I know you just got out of the hospital after getting your skull caved in, but are you sure you’re not just delirious??? It’s DERPY HOOVES!!!!”

“Thanks for reminding me of that, Hammerhead...”, Josh muttered irritably, “Yes I’m sure. No one else wants to work with her and she’s actually really nice. She deserves to have someone help her out on her rounds.”

“You’re outta your damn mind...”, Hammerhead just grumbled, shaking his head back and forth.

“C’mon, doesn’t Dash do the same kindness when she’s on patrol??”

“Actually, she mostly lounges on the clouds sleeping or picking her snout.”

At this, Josh couldn’t help but cover his face with his hand in exasperation. “Apple Bloom told you about that, didn’t she???”

“You mean her digging on the couch? Yeah, that filly told me. I told her it’d probably be best no one else knew.”

“I’m gonna have to have a talk with her it seems...”, he sighed, “Hell, I dunno why she told YOU of all ponies!”

“You know how fillies and foals can get. They find out a secret about somepony and they can’t wait to spread the word. I had just gone to see how Rainbow Dash was doing and I ran into Apple Bloom in the front yard. She couldn’t tell me fast enough how she’d seen that pegasus digging in her snout for gold... a very nice image to have after eating a big dinner...”

Josh sighed and shook his head. “Like I said, I’ll have a talk with her. I appreciate you telling her to keep it quiet and I’d appreciate it if you didn’t tell anyone else...”

Hammerhead nodded in agreement. “I still think you’re dragonshit insane to want to willingly team up with Derpy... you do know she’s scheduled to head over to BurrBank today, right? They need a little extra rain for their peach crops.”

“I read about that, yeah. That’s near Meadow Viejo, ain’t it?”

“About 1 town to the south, why?”

“Hammerhead, we both know the answer to that one....”

Immediately, the pegasus knew what he was getting at. Derpy had been the one who’d told him about Josh treating her to muffins after their job had completed and about him going after Champagne.

“I want to go back there... try and have a nice snack with Derpy again... plus I want to talk to Muffintop about maybe contributing a little of his inventory to Dash and AJ’s training.”

In resignation, Hammerhead called out for the googly-eyed pegasus and immediately found her floating in front of him.

“You called, sir?”, she asked, giving an innocent smile.

“Derpy, you and Josh need to take another raincloud to BurrBank. Peaches has been complaining the peach trees there aren’t growing fast enough... and I DON’T wanna have to hear her whining again!”

“You got it!”, Derpy saluted, knocking herself in the head with her hoof, “Ow!”

“I’ll take her to get the raincloud, don’t worry....”, Josh reassured their boss before nodding to the blonde pegasus and flying off with her in tow, leaving the brown flying mare looking on in pure dismay.

“Why didn’t I listen to mom and become a dentist???”

It had taken them all of an hour to take care of getting BurrBank their extra rain and now as they fluttered down into Meadow Viejo, Derpy could already taste those yummy doughy muffins.

“Thank you! Thank you!”, she gushed profusely to the human by her, “No one’s ever been so nice to me and treated me to so many muffins!”

“It’s nothin’, Derpy... Really.”, Josh replied as he landed on his sneakered soles and found himself and the blonde looking at the green-roofed Muffinporium once again. Opening the door and nodding for Derpy to get them a seat, Josh walked over to the countertop and was immediately greeted by the red unicorn they knew owned the establishment.

“Josh! Wunderbar!”, MuffinTop chortled happily at seeing the human and pegasus again, “I’m so glad y---”

“Listen, let’s not talk about that, ok? I actually wanna talk to you about something else.... but first a nice dozen muffins for Derpy and that Red Velvet and cocoa for me... since I never got to actually taste the first one.”

MuffinTop nodded and got to work as Josh took his seat at the table where Derpy Hooves was, the pegasus resting in the big pink armchair and leaving the human a red one. As the teen sat down, Derpy couldn’t help but notice Josh drumming his fingers on the table, a look of worry on his face.

“Josh? Ya ok?”, she asked. As clueless as she could be at times, even she could tell something was on the boys mind.

“Ya know, I don’t know anymore... I’ve been electrocuted, burned, had my skull caved in, and on top of all that... I haven’t slept in 5 days!”

“You tried just relaxing on a bed and shutting your eyes?”, Derpy asked innocently.

“Yeah, it’s kinda hard to do that when you keep thinking about the unicorns that nearly killed you...”

“You mean Champagne and Thoroughbred?”

Hearing MuffinTop’s voice, Josh and Derpy turned and found the muffin-maker standing by them, a tray holding a basket of muffins and a stein of frothy cocoa resting on his back. Slowly, the unicorn used his magic to levitate the tray in front of them, allowing Derpy to eagerly tear into the basket. But Josh just took the stein and held it idly in his hand.

“MuffinTop... I’ve been in Equestria for a very short time and I’ve already seen Death twice.... I’ve felt its cold uncaring breath on my cheeks.... I felt it hanging in the forest and I could feel it when Champagne cracked me.... I’m trying to impart wisdom from my world onto the ponies and I’m ending up trying just to SURVIVE!”

The teen’s voice grew choked as he continued to speak, nodding for Muffintop to take a seat by them. By now several other patrons had put down their pastries and mugs too, all looking at Derpy and Josh.

“I wanna help Rainbow Dash and Applejack... I wanna show them my gratitude for taking me in... But when I saw Champagne’s face.... What I saw made me want to run far away.....”

“W-what’d you see?”, Derpy asked nervously, crumbs from the cranberry muffin in her mouth dropping onto the table.

Josh shook his head sadly. “I can’t think about it anymore.... not right now.... I came here to talk about something else, not about some pity-story.”, he spat.

“So what’d you want to talk about then??”, an elderly green pony behind Derpy asked, straightening his glasses.

“MuffinTop... I want the stores help in the training.... I know you make some of the best muffins here, second only to the Cakes. No offense.”

“None taken.”, the unicorn waved it off, getting a few chuckles from the crowd.

“I know you’re also capable of making what Derpy’s told me are called “MEGA-Muffins”. Is this true?”

At this, the crowd of patrons gasped as MuffinTop put his hoof to his chin, resting his head upon it and closing his eyes in contemplation.

“This is true... my late sweet wife, Annabella... she helped me perfect the recipe of the Mega-Muffin. A confectionary big enough to feel Celestia’s royal guards for months. But it’s been so long since I’ve made them. I’ve been more focused on spreading the magic of my delicacies across equestria.”

“Well if Champagne has his way.... you may never get to bake another muffin..... in fact I wouldn’t be surprised if that... that... that BASTARD makes you bake only for him!!!”

At this, Derpy’s mouth opened wide in horror, causing the half-chewed pumpkin muffin to pour from her mouth onto the table. But that was the standard reaction to the whole of the bakery. MuffinTop’s eyes had lowered, his invisible eyebrows looking down at the table as his teeth began to grit.

“Joshua...”, he growled, his voice unusually gruff, “I would rather cut off my limbs and horn and be a vegetable than ever serve him!”

“AMEN!” The crowd cheered, clapping their hooves in support.

“You want me to help Rainbow Dash and Applejack beat that creep? I’ll do everything I can!”

With a shared grin, MuffinTop and Josh shook hand and hoof together and had a big hug, making Derpy and the crowd coo.

“Awwwwwww..”, Derpy cooed with a smile.

“Now go on... enjoy your food you two! I’ve gotta go back and make sure I’ve got the ingredients for my beauties.... I will not let that ARSCHLOCH take away my family’s legacy!!!!!!!”

As MuffinTop stormed off behind the counter, Derpy gave the teen by her a look of sheer confusion. “Josh, what’s that mean?”

Josh didn’t reply, but merely lifted the stein to his lips. “Let’s just say it’s a pretty severe German vulgarity."

Calmly, the boy put his lips to the hot drink and poured the chocolate and cream down his throat. It tasted almost heavenly, like a rich mixture of cacao beans, milk, and fine cream. He'd slugged down half the stein down his throat before putting the cup back down and letting out a sigh of delight.

"That... was delicious!", he grinned, licking some of the excess cream off his lip, "Meowth would LOVE the cocoa here!"

Derpy giggled before pointing to the muffin by the stein. "Try the muffins! They're even better!"

Josh picked up the balled cake and brought it to his mouth, taking a nice chunk from the red and white delicacy, letting some of the crumbs and frosting drop onto his jacket and white T. It was even better than the hot cocoa, a confection that could rival that of any bakery in his world and almost as heavenly as Pinkie's Quad-Chocolate Cream Pies. He didn't waste any time before taking in another tear from the treat, savoring the sweet taste in his mouth and setting the remainder down.

"Mmmmmm... that hits the spot!"

Derpy gave him a warm smile before tucking back into her basket, Josh doing the same with the last bits of his treats. With food in his stomach, his mind was a little bit clearer. But he was still a little stressed over some of the thoughts in his mind and as they finished up and paid MuffinTop despite his insistence that Derpy's money was no good there, the wall-eyed pegasus could still sense a bit of sadness around him even as they took to the sky back to Cloudsdale to get their next assignment. The silence that rang between them was unnerving and it gave Derpy Hooves the shivers. As they approached the weather station and saw Hammerhead standing on the cloud with a clipboard in his hoof, their boss couldn't help but give a pleased grin at seeing the two return.

"Well I'll be Celestia's son.... You two got it done!"

Josh gave Hammerhead a nod before he spoke. "Anything else, sir?"

The pegasus rubbed his hoof behind his head sheepishly. "To be honest I kinda thought that one would get screwed up somehow, so I didn't really schedule anything else for her."

"Yeah, that's really nice.", Josh muttered sarcastically, looking at Derpy and seeing her eyes droop, both of them actually focused downwards sadly, "That's a good way to build up confidence."

"So there's nuthin' else for me?", Derpy asked.

"Well.... I do have an extra-hot sun that needs to go over Manehattan. Kyna and Cloudburst were supposed to take care of it, but they thought it'd be nice to sleep in.... Think you two can take care of it?"

"You got it, boss!" Derpy chirped, brightening up immediately.

"We'll take care of it, sir.", Josh agreed, "Just tell us where it is."

"It's by the raincloud makers. You two get this done right and I'll let you knock off early. I've got nothing else for yas anyway."

"Thanks, sir. C'mon Derpy! Take me to the suns!"

Derpy didn't waste any time in leading Josh to where the weather factory manufactured the special suns. These were the kinds that were needed when the ordinary ones weren't good enough for a town and as the two looked upon the stack of hot orbs, they couldn't help but whistle.

"There are SO many hot jokes I could make right now.", Josh murmured before turning to the blonde pegasus by him, "So how do we pick these things up? I have the feeling if I tried to use my hands to pick it up, they'd get fried!"

"They would! I tried holding one with my butt once and it nearly burned my tail clean off!"

Josh just stared at her wide-eyed for a few moments before shaking his head. "Derpy Hooves, you are something else... What that is, I have no idea..."

The pegasus just grinned sheepishly before calling out to a bright red pegasus on the assembly line. "Hey Beam! Can you toss us some of the safety gloves?"

Immediately, Beam turned and picked up a couple sets of gloves with his teeth before tossing them outwards to Derpy, who managed to catch them somewhat effortlessly much to Josh's surprise.

"Rainbow Dash and I play catch at times with the boss's helmet.", she explained, offering one of the pairs to the human. It was then he noticed something about them that made him groan...

They were hoof-shaped.

He had expected this, but had hoped maybe they'd have some fingered ones for gryffins or even possibly manufactured some for him. They were big enough so that Josh could get his hand in by clenching it in a fist. But he knew that if he tried punching holes in it for his fingers, it'd make them all but useless not just to him, but to any other pony who needed them. Sighing, he turned to Derpy, who'd slipped the gloves on with no trouble.

"Shall we?"

"Sun time! Sun time!", she cheered, speeding over to the pile of suns with Josh in tow. She picked up the top orb of the pile, struggling under its weight until the teen helped her hold it up. The fact he couldn't get a firm grasp on it and had to hold it by pushing his fists together to clasp the side gave him more than a fair bit of worry.

"Let's just get this done with... how do we put this on Celestia's sun anyways????", he asked as the two of them began the short journey to Manehattan. They knew the big city was not more than a few miles away from Ponyvile and that was a fact that gave them both a little relief.

"From what Dash told me, it's basically positioning it in front of its rays to allow an amplification of the heat.", Depry replied, "That or the sun falls down and goes boom."

"Falls down and goes boom....", Josh repeated to himself, "What is going on in this place???"

Within a few more minutes, they had reached the apex of the center of the giant metropolis and immediately could see where the sun was hovering above the Manehattan National Bank.

"So basically we just put this in front of the main sun and that's all there is to it?", Josh asked as he followed where Derpy was pulling the giant heatball.

"Eeyup.", Derpy replied in a tone eerily similar to Big MacIntoshs. True to her word, it was a simple matter of setting it down and watching the ultraviolet rays turn a dark orange as they began to shine down up all the citizens of the big town.

"That... was almost insultingly easy...", Josh remarked, flying a few feet away with the fellow flyer and using his teeth to slip off the gloves on his fist before droping them in his jacket pocket, "Well... I'm gonna get these back to Beam, then I'm heading out. Ya got any plans?"

"Naw, I'm just gonna go to the library and check out the new Daring-Do book."

"Wait, you read???", Josh blurted out before covering his mouth with a blush.

"Yeah. Why would ya think I didn't? Well see yas later!"

With that, the pegasus sped off, narrowly missing crashing into the main sun and leaving Josh floating there and shaking his head in pure dismay.

"Derpy Hooves.. you and Pinkie Pie... you two are just... you're riddles... pure and simple riddles with answers I can't find..."