The desperate trophy wife

From perspective of Dale:

“So if you aren’t from this world then where exactly did you come from?” she asked me and I sighed.

“I came from earth. Some crazy blue broad summoned me here thinking that I could help her take over Equestria or something. It all started when…

* * *

Five years ago:

The HMMWV bounced along the dirt road just outside Bangladesh. I was driving and we were pacing along at about 40mph. We were part of the US Delta force and were on a scouting mission of sort.

“Hey Sarge, hold up” yelled Jackson. He was the gunner who was manning the M134 minigun. I slowed the vehicle to a stop and he crouched down inside the cab and pointed to a distant light. It was blue and looked very eerie.

“What the fuck is that? Jonas, call it in” I ordered but Jackson shook his hand.

“No way Sarge. Let’s go see what it is first” he told me and I raised an eyebrow. I really hated it when he got adventurous like this. I looked to Jonas and Elijah, the other two members of my squad and they both shrugged.

“Alright, but I hear one word about this from the LT then I’ll ring your neck Jackson” I told him with a disgruntled sigh as I drove the armoured vehicle along the dusty trail. It was blisteringly hot out and I was glad that our patrol was almost over.

The vehicle approached the blue hue of light and I stopped just a few yards away from it. “Alright Jonas, call it in” I ordered and Jackson once again waved his hand.

“Nah-nah, come on sergeant major. Just one little peak?” Jackson pleaded.

“Jackson, you know our orders. We’re to report anything we find that we deem worthy of telling immediately” I told him harshly and he laughed.

“Ahh Sarge, you worry too much. Look at that thing! It’s obvious that we’re just having a mirage or somet…” was all he managed before a burst of energy mass flew through the portal and my mind went blank.

‘For fuck sakes, Jackson! When I get up I’m gonna ring his neck with my bare hands’ I thought to myself. I waited and waited, figuring either I was dead or unconscious, probably the latter.

Finally my vision blurred and I came to. My head throbbed in pain and I placed a hand on my throbbing head. I turned to look to Jonas then realized something was horribly wrong. We were still in the Humvee but we were somewhere I had never seen before.

It was dark, moist, cold and damp all around. The trees around the Humvee looked disfigured and creepy, like something out of a bad horror movie or something. I shook Jonas awake who quickly gasped like I did.
He leaned over and whispered to me, “Since when do the deserts have trees?” he asked curiously and I shrugged. We woke up Jackson and Elijah who reacted pretty much the same as we did.
“Jonas… what’s the GPS say?” I asked and he quickly fumbled around for the small handheld GPS. He took a quick glance then gulped.
“We… we’re uhm… we got no signal” he told me and I muttered a curse to myself. I opened the door to the vehicle and stepped out. My boots sank somewhat into the plush undergrowth and I heard it squelch as my weight sank into the ground but only slightly.

“Oh for fuck sakes… where the fuck are we now?” I asked myself as I looked around. I looked to the sky and tried to find any constellations that I could recognize from my time in the Middle East but couldn’t’ recognize anything. The stars looked weird to, like something out of a Disney movie rather than what real stars looked like. “Shit… we must be in… China or something” I muttered angrily to myself.

Elijah stepped out of the Humvee and paced a little ways away. “Hey Elijah, don’t go far” I ordered him and he waved to me.

“Yeah, yeah. Unless you wanna see my cock then let a guy piss, would yah” he laughed and I turned away to give him the privacy he so badly needed. Jonas soon joined his friend and the trickling sound of their urine hitting the ground filled the quiet air.

I heard Jonas start muttering something. “What’s that?” I asked.

“I said, I think we have… GAH!” Jonas screamed and so did Elijah. I spun around to see some sort of horrid creature grabbing my squad mates. The creatures pulled Jonas and Elijah into the dark forest before I could reach them, their screams of agony pierced the forest.

I began to backpedal just as one of those creatures burst from the shadows of the forest, hissing and snapping its jaw at me. “FUCK YOU!” I yelled as I swung my M4 carbine at the beast and held back the trigger. 5.56mm rounds slammed into the creature and riddled its body. The muzzle flare illuminated the forest in front of me and the eyes of several of the creatures lit up like the fourth of July.

“Oh shit” I muttered then rushed back towards the truck where Jackson was already waiting for me.

“What the fuck is going on?” he yelled over the sound of my chattering assault rifle which I fired wildly into the forest.

“No time, get in the truck now!” I yelled as I rushed past him and to the driver side door. I got in and slammed the driver side door then looked to Jackson who was getting into the passenger side. Just as he went to close the door, one of those freakish wooden wolf things grabbed his leg and pulled him back out.

“JACKSON!” I yelled as I reached over and grabbed him. He began to scream in fear and horror then suddenly seven more wolves joined in and pulled my friend away, breaking him free of my grasp.

I grabbed the AA12 from behind the passenger seat and cocked it. A nightmarish creature lept up to the driver side door and growled at me, drool dripping out of its clenched teeth then it opened its mouth to bite me.

I stuffed the shotgun barrel into the creature’s mouth, shoving the barrel as far back as I could until it hit the back of its throat. “EAT THIS!” I yelled then pulled the trigger. Splinters of wood littered the cabin of the vehicle and I kicked the remainder of the body out before slamming the passenger side door shut.

“Please baby, please Betsy just work” I prayed as I keyed the ignition. The truck rumbled to life and I quickly slapped the stick shift into first gear and hammered the accelerator.

I maneuvered the vehicle through the dense forest, running over several wolves in the process. It seemed like the forest just went on forever but then I caught a glimpse of light and drove towards it. The Humvee smashed through the treeline and into a beautiful meadow. The treaded tires quickly shredded the fine grass and made ruts as it skidded along.

I stopped the truck and put it into neutral before slipping into the back and manning the minigun. I waited for a moment or two before I spotted some of the creatures. I pressed the left handle button, activating the spin cycle and the minigun’s barrels spun to life. As the creatures got closer I held down the right handle button and the iconic thunderous BZZZZZZ of the minigun filled the air around us.

A stream of orange light filled the dark night as hot lead filled the air and chopped away any of those retched creatures that got in its path. The minigun’s pace picked up to 6000rpm and I could see the barrel start to heat up.

I began a slow, horizontal arch with the gun and withing seconds I had made fine work of both the wooden wolves and the field around them. I looked around and waited for what seemed like hours before I sat back down in the Humvee.

“Please god, just let this be a dream” I prayed to myself before leaning the seat back and passing out.

What seemed like only moments, which was probably actually hours, passed and I heard a banging on the door of the HMMWV. I opened my eyes and looked up to see a freakish looking unicorn… wait a unicorn! They aren’t real.

“Hey you! Yeah you. Trixie need to speak with you” it said in a rather feminine and demanding voice. I reached into my chest holster and drew my .50 caliber AE Desert Eagle before opening the door and exiting the vehicle.

“Ah yes, Trixie’s finest creation. Bow down to The Great and Powerful TRIXIE!” it demanded. I simply stood there in shock and disbelief. She looked to me with one eye opened and the other eye closed then opened both eyes and shot me an irritated look. “Hey demon, are you deaf. Trixie says bow down!” she ordered.

“Two things. First: I’m not a demon, second: not gonna bow down. Third: where the fuck am I?” I asked and the thing, Trixie its name was, laughed.

“Ha, Trixie does not think so. You are a demon, Trixie summoned you here to help Trixie defeat Twilight Sparkle. She has ascended to an alicorn and will be impossible for Trixie to defeat alone. Now bow down to your new master” she ordered and I chuckled.

“So you summoned me here?” I asked and she nodded. “Did you mean to send me into that deathtrap or was that an accident?” I asked.

“Trixie never makes mistakes… but yes it was an accident. The teleportation spell accidently summoned you into the Everfree” she told me.

“Alright… send me back, along with my squad. Make this all better” I ordered her. She laughed again.

“Ha, Trixie does not think so. You will do as Trixie says or else” she threatened. I curled my lips in anger.

“Or else what?”

She hesitated for a second. “Or else… or else Trixie will punish you severely” she scowled. I had just about enough of this blue bitch.

I grabbed her by the throat with one hand and lifted her off the ground. I was reasonably strong and she was roughly 80-100lbs, give or take. She opened her mouth to gag but I jammed the barrel of the Desert Eagle right into her mouth.

“Send me back or I swear to fucking god I’ll spray your brains all over this fucking field. Your fucking magic just got three of my best friends killed you stupid bitch!” I yelled in anger and frustration. He eyes began to tear up and I felt her throat try to move to say something.

I set her down and stepped back, keeping the Desert Eagle trained on her forehead. “Trixie… is so sorry for your loss… please don’t kill Trixie… she didn’t mean anything by it” she sobbed. Her sudden emotion touched my heart. I was a soldier but I wasn’t a murderer. Though her actions got my friends killed I didn’t have it in me to just blow her head off.

* * *

Present day:

“So what happened?” Fleur asked me and I shrugged as I finished off my apple and tossed the core away.

“Eventually I realized that she was just crazed and left her. Then she summoned some real demons so Princess Twilight Sparkle hired me to stop them, I put a bullet in the demon’s head, it died then Trixie was put in a jail cell and sentenced to five years in solitary confinement. Then Twilight was all ‘Oh you saved Equestria’ but then they decided that I was an animal and shoved me in a barn with a bunch of other animals and now I work slave labour for some redneck bitch” I informed her.

“Oh… well then” she replied and I saw her back legs start to get twitchy. “Do you have the time?” she asked and I checked my watch which still miraculously worked after all these years.

“Quarter to six” I informed her.

“Oh… well I enjoyed the conversation. Perhaps you’d like to come back to my place and go into further detail?” she offered and I chuckled as I waved my hand.

“No can do. I know what you want and I don’t think Fancy Pants would approve. Even if he’s cheating on you right now” I chuckled. She gave a ‘Humph’ then trotted away in frustration. I smiled to myself then continued to try and sell apples.