Fallout: Equestria (Ghetto Abridged Version)

Prologue: Of PipBucks n' Cutie Marks

If I’m goin ta rap  bout tha adventure of mah thuglife -- explain how tha fuck I gots ta dis place wit these people, n' why I did what tha fuck I’m goin ta do next -- I should probably start by explainin a lil bit bout PipBucks.

What tha fuck iz a PipBuck, biatch?  A PipBuck be a thugged-out device, worn on a gangbangin' foreleg just above tha hoof, issued ta every last muthafuckin pony up in a Stable when they become oldschool enough ta start work.  A blendin of unicorn pony magic n' science, yo' PipBuck will keep a cold-ass lil constant measure of yo' game n' even muthafuckin help administa healin poultices n' other medicine, track n' organize every last muthafuckin thang up in yo' saddlepacks, assist up in repairs, n' keep all manner of notes n' maps available at a hooftap.  Plus, it allows you ta dig tha Stable broadcast whenever you wanna as it can tune tha fuck into n' decrypt just bout any radio frequency.  And that’s not all.  A pony’s PipBuck generates a E.F.S. (Eyes-Forward Sparkle) dat will indicate direction n' muthafuckin help gauge whether tha ponies or creatures around yo ass is hostile.  And, like most impressively, a PipBuck can magically aid you up in a gangbangin' fight fo' brief periodz of time all up in bust of tha S.A.T.S. (Stable-Tec Arcane Targetin Spell).  Oh, n' a gangbangin' feature not ta be forgotten: it can keep track of tha location of tagged objects or people, includin tha wearerz of other PipBucks.  So if a pony somehow gots lost -- don’t ask me how tha fuck you could git lost up in a Stable yo, but it do happen on occasion -- then anypony whoz ass knew tha lost pony’s tag could find dem instantly.

It can even be made ta glow like a lamp.

So yes, PipBucks straight-up is a testament ta unicorn pony arcane science.  And yes, havin a PipBuck be a funky-ass big-ass advantage.  So wit how tha fuck straight-up dope n' miraculous all dat just sounded, it’s hard ta impress upon ponies whoz ass never lived up in a Stable just how tha fuck ordinary, how tha fuck pedestrian, a PipBuck was up in tha eyez of tha ponies livin up in Stable Two.   And why I was pissed tha fuck off ta have one as mah cutie mark.

Every pony up in Stable Two had a PipBuck fo' realz. All dat shiznit I mentioned, biatch?  Most ponies don’t bust even half of dat shit.  They just used it ta tune tha fuck into tha Stable broadcast -- listened ta tha dope, dope voice of Velvet Remedy up in tha evenings or tha sickest fuckin school rappin competitions durin tha day. It make me wanna hollar playa!  Da Stable had two soccer leagues, one which allowed S.A.T.S. n' one which prohibited dat shit.  Otherwise, most ponies paid they PipBucks almost no attention at all.  Da Overmare thangs each pony they own PipBuck on tha dizzle of they Cutie Mark Jam -- probably a thugged-out dizzle or two afta you git tha mark on yo' flanks dat  drops some lyrics ta everypony what tha fuck make you special, what tha fuck you’re destined ta be phat at.  Once it shows, tha Overmare knows what tha fuck work ta assign you; you know yo' place up in tha Stable.  So no, I was not thrilled dat what tha fuck made me special was suttin' dat everypony had, which was a shitload like bein holla'd at I wasn’t special at all. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Sure, gettin a PipBuck as mah cutie mark could have meant I was destined ta become a phat PipBuck repair filly or somethang yo, but up in realitizzle it was like gettin a cold-ass lil cutie mark of a cold-ass lil cutie mark.

Didn’t muthafuckin help dat I was tha last pony ta git her cutie mark.  Not surprisin up in retrospect.  Kinda tough ta find what tha fuck you’re supposed ta be phat at when what tha fuck you’re supposed ta be phat at is suttin' you don’t git until you’ve found what tha fuck you’re supposed ta be phat at.  So I tried every last muthafuckin thang.  I even tried ta invent freshly smoked up things.  As a unicorn pony mah dirty ass, mah innate magics allow me a level of fine manipulation dat earth ponies don’t enjoy.  Any pony can hold a key up in they teeth n' open a lock yo, but rockin multiple tools up in a straight-up delicate operation, biatch?  That requires precision levitation. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch.  So I decided ta learn ta pick locks wit a funky-ass bobby pin n' screwdriver. Shiiit, dis aint no joke.  And I was even gettin pretty phat at dat shit.  Unfortunately, it didn’t git me mah cutie mark.  It just gots me tha fuck into shit.

I even, ta mah humiliation, went all up in tha C.A.T.  (Cutie-mark Aptitude Test) up in tha hopes it would guide me ta what tha fuck made me special. It aint nuthin but tha nick nack patty wack, I still gots tha bigger sack.  But no.  I be a gangsta yo, but y'all knew dat n' mah C.A.T. was utterly average, wit only marginally higher scores up in a cold-ass lil couple areas, indicatin dat I might be suited fo' work as a PipBuck Technician or a Stable Loyalty Inspector. Shiiit, dis aint no joke.  Two options, I should note, dat was even less impressive when you considered dat it was generally expected dat unicorn ponies would go tha fuck into either technical or administratizzle work.  That is, except tha unicorn ponies whoz ass is natural artists, like Velvet Remedy.  As I holla'd before, our inherent magic allows our asses tha sort of fine manipulation dat technical work demands.  Likewise, tha Overmare n' her posse was always unicorn ponies.  It be tha Overmare’s unicorn magic, afta all, dat creates tha false sunlight used ta grow our underground apple orchard. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka!  And while our applez might not look like dem dope red thangs up in tha oldschool books, they is what tha fuck keep our asses kickin it.

It was only cuz they let me try mah hooves at both positions dat I gained access ta a PipBuck before receivin mah own, otherwise I might never have gotten mah cutie mark.

Oh, hoes call me LittlePip.  Go figure.  I was given tha name cuz I was tha lil'est n' tha smallest, n' even mah mutha had tha phat sense not ta booty-call me "Pipsqueak." (Not dat I don’t ludd her yo, but when a gangbangin' filly’s cutie mark be a glass of hard apple cider...)  Anyway, funky how tha fuck names like dat turn up sometimes.

Pleased ta hook up yo thugged-out ass.  Here is mah story…