Fallout: Equestria (Ghetto Abridged Version)

Chapter One: Out of tha Stable

"Because up in Stable Two, no pony eva entas n' no pony eva leaves."

Gay.

Da wallz of tha maintenizzle stalls was all a straight-up monotonous, dull grey.  Da particular wall I was starin at had tha merit of bein a straight-up clean grey.  PipBucks was notoriously hardy n' reliable, so bein tha Stable’s PipBuck Technician meant dat there was long periodz of not a god damn thang ta do.  Bein tha PipBuck Technician’s apprentice meant dat I was assigned all tha mundane everyday chores while mah trainer took extended naps up in tha back room.  Chores like cleanin tha walls.

"This wall needz a mural."

I let mah dirty ass fantasize, picturin tha Overmare agreein n' orderin Palette her muthafuckin ass ta turn our entire stall tha fuck into one of her brightly colorful masterpieces.  Palette was tha top billin painter up in Stable Two, n' like every last muthafuckin scapped artist, dat made her a stable treasure.  Life up in Stable Two inevitably fuckin started ta smoke at yo' spirit -- you was born up in tha Stable, you lived yo' whole thuglife up in tha Stable, you was goin ta die there, n' tha course of yo' thuglife was largely laid up fo' you ta peep by yo' Cutie Mark Party.  So tha Overmare insisted dat a freshly smoked up cold lil' woo wop be added ta tha Stable broadcast’s repertoire each week, dat hood areas was brightly painted n' adored wit upliftin n' motivationizzle murals, dat regular partizzles was planned up in tha atrium… all up in a effort ta distract n' stave off depression.

Realitizzle came crashin back as I stared all up in tha eternally blank grey.  Beautifyin maintenizzle areas was tragically low prioritizzle already, n' tha PipBuck Technician stall was one of tha least trafficked partz of maintenance.  I felt mah ears droop as I started ta realize dat I’d be starin at dis same stupid-ass grey wall nearly every last muthafuckin dizzle fo' tha rest of mah life.

"Oh dear. Shiiit, dis aint no joke.  Is it straight-up dat bad."

And there dat biiiiatch was.  Velvet Remedy, tha dirty charcoal-coated unicorn wit streakz of color up in her white mane n' wit a voice as smooth as silk n' rich as finest chocolate, was standin up in tha doorway of mah stall.  I felt immediately grateful dat I had finished tha cleanin n' simultaneously ashamed dat tha room was so beneath her muthafuckin ass.

I couldn’t believe dat biiiiatch was standin there, so peek-a-boo, clear tha way, I be comin' thru fo'sho.  I’d peeped her on tha stage above our asses at late parties; I’d listened ta her joints incessantly, recordin every last muthafuckin freshly smoked up one on mah PipBuck so dat I didn’t have ta wait ta hear it again. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch.  I’ll admit it now, I’d had a cold-ass lil crush on Velvet Remedy fo' years.  Me n' at least three hundred other ponies.  I be a gangsta yo, but y'all knew dat n' mah mutha used ta laugh at dat shit.  "LittlePip," dat biiiiatch would say, chortlin wit her playas, "Velvet Remedy’s barn door don’t swin dat way."  It took me a cold-ass lil couple muthafuckin years ta understand what tha fuck mah mutha had meant by dat shit.  And took me nuff muthafuckin secondz ta process dat Velvet Remedy had just axed mah crazy ass something.

"W-wha-huh?"

Wonderful response, LittlePip.  So elegant.  I wanted ta dig mah way all up in tha concrete floor n' pull tha chunks over tha top of mah dirty ass.

Biatch smiled dopely.  Biatch smiled at me biaaatch!  And up in dat dunkadelic voice, "Yo ass looked so heartbroken when I came in. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch.  Is there anythang I can do?"

Velvet Remedy offered. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka!  To muthafuckin help.  Me.

I was shocked back ta mah senses.  Velvet Remedy must have some reason ta be down here.  Some PipBuck reason. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch.  It wasn’t like dat biiiiatch would just go wanderin around maintenance, afta all.  Lookin around, I realized dat I was tha only pony on duty.  I be a gangsta yo, but y'all knew dat n' mah mackdaddy was, as usual, asleep up in his crib.

"Oh… no, it was n-nothing."  I tried ta regain composure.  "How tha fuck may I be of assistance?"

Velvet Remedy’s expression was both comhorny n' unconvinced yo, but she lifted a gangbangin' forehoof, raisin her PipBuck up ta mah gaze.  A mo' elegant model than mine, wit her initials n' cutie mark (a dope bird wit wings outstretched n' beak opened up in song) embellishin it tastefully.  "I don't give a fuck bout ta be a funky-ass bother yo, but it’s begun ta chafe.  Could you replace tha padding?"

"Oh, straight-up!"  I was already levitatin tha special keys used ta unlock a PipBuck from a pony’s foreleg (as a apprentice PipBuck Technician, I had all manner of special precision tools up in tha pocketz of mah utilitizzle barding).  "I’ll have it done up in right quick!"  Da PipBuck came off wit a cold-ass lil click.

Velvet Remedy chuckled hesitantly, lowerin her hoof.  "Oh no, that’s all right.  Take yo' time.  I’m goin ta put some salve on dis leg back up in mah room n' rest up fo' tha afternoon."

That’s right son!  Velvet Remedy was struttin all up in tha Stable Two Saloon tomorrow night son!  I would have ta polish it up, make it worthy of bein worn above her hoof.  If I dropped all night on it, I could give it a gangbangin' full tune-up, have it hustlin as smoothly as tha dizzle she gots it, n' still have it back ta her before tha show.

"All right son!  I’ll have it back ta you by dis time tomorrow.  Yo ass won’t be pissed tha fuck off. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! This type'a shizzle happens all tha time.  I promise!"

Biatch smiled all up in mah grill again, n' all tha grey up in tha ghetto couldn’t darken mah day. It make me wanna hollar playa!  "Thank yo thugged-out ass."  And then dat dunkadelic hoe turned ta go.  I watched as her cutie mark disrocked up around tha doorway.  Then dat biiiiatch was gone.

***     ***     ***

Da next day, I was whistlin one of Velvet Remedy’s joints as I strutted down tha halls towardz her room.  Her PipBuck was hoverin along beside me up in a gangbangin' field of magical levitation, freshly padded wit tha dopest linin I could find, lookin shiny n' new.  I was chillaxed from a long-ass night or work yo, but up in high spirits.  Velvet Remedy was goin ta be so aiiight wit mah work!

Turnin tha corner, I was startled outta mah reverie by tha mass of ponies gathered outside Velvet Remedy’s room.  Damn, I was goin ta have ta battle mah way all up in hoof-print seekers n' paparazzi.  Levitatin tha PipBuck higher, I started ta shove mah way tha fuck into tha crowd.

"She’s gone!"  "How tha fuck could she leave?"  Da hushed voices n' panicked whinnies around mah crazy ass grew alarming.  "Why would she abandon us?"

Gone, biatch?  Velvet Remedy was… gone, biatch?

And then tha lyrics dat stopped mah crazy ass cold. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka!  "I didn’t be thinkin tha Stable door even could open!"

Biatch was gone outside?!?

"Don’t worry, everypony!" boomed tha voice of tha Overmare from somewhere up in tha crowd. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka!  "I have tha tag of each n' every last muthafuckin pony up in tha Stable.  I will personally bust up a rescue party.  We’ll have our Velvet back by tha end of tha day. It make me wanna hollar playa!  Worry not."

I felt I was drownin up in cold, wet cement.  I be a gangsta yo, but y'all knew dat n' mah gaze slowly moved up towardz tha PipBuck floatin above mah dirty ass.

I lowered mah head, slowly tryin ta back outta tha crowd, curlin tha floatin PipBuck close.  When tha Overmare brought up Velvet Remedy’s tag, it would lead everypony not ta Velvet but ta her PipBuck chillin up in tha maintenance…

With a thump, I backed tha fuck into somepony, startlin me enough dat tha levitation field evaporated up in a poof n' tha clean n' shiny PipBuck clattered ta tha floor.

Turning, I found mah dirty ass eye-to-eye wit tha Overmare.

Biatch didn’t speak, her gaze turnin ta tha PipBuck on tha ground. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka!  Velvet Remedy’s initials n' cutie mark clearly visible.

"What.  Is.  This?"  Da Overmare was rappin slowly, dangerously.

All eyes turned ta mah dirty ass.  I could feel every last muthafuckin pair of eyes.  No Mothafucka spoke.  Da silence bore down like a lead blanket.  I be a gangsta yo, but y'all knew dat n' mah grill went dry.  I couldn’t find mah voice.

I didn’t need to.  I could feel tha wave of loathing.  Dozenz of Velvet Remedy fanponies, n' I was tha pony holdin tha reason why they idol was lost ta em.

Da Overmare’s voice was low n' surprisingly gentle.  "Take it n' git all up in yo' room.  Swiftly."

Biatch didn’t need ta tell me twice.

***     ***     ***

I lay on mah bed dat evening, pokin at Velvet Remedy’s PipBuck as tha radio up in mah own played yet another re-iteration of tha fuck up of tha day. It make me wanna hollar playa!

I couldn’t believe dat shit.  Velvet Remedy was gone.  I couldn’t understand. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka!  How tha fuck could she leave, biatch?  Why would she go, biatch?

Da door outta Stable Two was closed n' sealed. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka!  Only tha Overmare knew tha secrets ta openin it, assumin it even could open. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch.  Which, obviously, it could. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka!

But why, biatch?  No Mothafucka straight-up knew what tha fuck was outside, if there was anythang up there at all.  Historical books suggested tha ghetto outside was blasted, lifeless n' poisonous.  That was, at least, tha common n' logical assumption. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch.  But a pimp rap somepony holla'd at at mah first (and only) slumber jam had given me wack nightmares n' still lurked up in tha shadowz of mah head: a tale of a pony whoz ass somehow gots tha Stable door open n' stepped outside… only ta smoke up dat there was no outside biaaatch!  Just a pimped out nothingnizz dat whisked tha pony away, devourin her ass so dat dat biiiiatch was nothingnizz too.

Empirically, I knew dat wasn’t tha case yo, but tha menstrual image still hustled mah dirty ass.

Da two thangs I did understand was dat Velvet Remedy had gotten me ta remove her PipBuck so tha Overmare couldn’t track her wit it, n' dat I was screwed.

Bein tha smallest pony mah age, n' tha last ta git mah cutie mark, did not facilitate buildin thangs wit mah peer ponies.  Muthafucka honestly didn’t muthafuckin help either. Shiiit, dis aint no joke.  Nor did wakin up beatboxin at mah first slumber party.  So I was used ta bein ridin' solo.  But I’d never had enemies before.  I’d been beneath tha notice of other ponies yo, but I’d never had one don't give a fuck bout mah dirty ass.

I straight-up couldn’t blame dem either, even though it straight-up wasn’t fair. Shiiit, dis aint no joke.  They was upset n' hurt n' needed a scapegoat.  Da shizzle hadn’t mentioned mah crazy ass by name, just "Velvet Remedy’s custom-decorated PipBuck was found up in tha possession of a PipBuck Technician pony" yo, but wit a whole two of us, it wasn’t hard fo' everypony ta figure out, even without tha scene outside her room earlier. Shiiit, dis aint no joke.

Da Overmare was bustin lyrics on tha radio.  "Our thugged-out asses is all feelin dis loss.  But I wanna remind everypony dat Velvet Remedy chose ta do this.  Biatch chose ta leave her home.  To abandon us, her family.  Biatch betrayed mah trust n' da hoe betrayed yours, just as da hoe betrayed tha trust of tha pony whoz ass dat dunkadelic hoe tricked tha fuck into removin her PipBuck, ensurin we could not find her muthafuckin ass.  I know nuff of yo ass is supa pissed or hurt.  I urge you ta direct dat anger where it truly belongs…"

As thankful as I was fo' her lyrics, it wasn’t goin ta chizzle tha resentment dat I would grill every last muthafuckin day, even if every last muthafuckin pony kept it ta themselves.  It hung up in tha air like oldschool smoke.

I distracted mah dirty ass wit tha errant PipBuck, takin note of a encrypted file.  I had spotted it yesterday, figurin it was probably a unfinished freshly smoked up song.  I didn’t wanna open it then, both outta respect fo' Velvet Remedy’s privacy n' a thugged-out dislike of spoilaz yo, but I guessed it didn’t matter anymore.  Da cold lil' woo wop would never be played.

Openin a pouch on mah utilitizzle barding, I withdrew a access tool dat would allow me ta remove tha encryption safely n' doggystyle.  It was a sound file.  I played dat shit.

"Da override code fo' openin tha door ta Stable Two is… CMC3BFF."

I blasted up in surprise at what tha fuck I had heard. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka!  Swiftly, I turned off tha radio n' played it again.

I didn’t recognize tha voice.  It was female, kinda dope, n' had a strange accent dat didn’t sound like mah playas up in tha Stable.   But now I knew how tha fuck Velvet Remedy left.

I must have sat there fo' hours, contemplatin what tha fuck I should do.  But finally, I made mah chizzle.

I was goin ta go outside afta her muthafuckin ass.  I was goin ta brang her back.

***     ***     ***

I stood there, starin all up in tha big-ass steel door dat sealed Stable Two away from tha horrors (or nothingness!) outside fo' realz. And all up in tha two guard ponies whoz ass blocked mah way.  I had mah saddlebags packed wit applez n' necessities.  Even a Big Book of Arcane Sciences fo' suttin' ta read. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka!  I had two canteens around mah neck.  I was locked n loaded ta go.  But tha Overmare was makin shizzle there was no follow-up acts.

Insistence n' glowerin looks weren’t gettin me anywhere.  I be a gangsta yo, but y'all knew dat n' mah horn was glowin yo, but they stood they ground, unimpressed. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka!  They weren’t goin ta let me anywhere near tha control panel.

"Yo, aren’t you tha filly whoz ass let our Velvet git lost outside anyway?"  one of tha guardz inquired daringly, takin a funky-ass bullyin step forward. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka!  Da other guard looked away up in disgust.  I’m not shizzle if da thug was disgusted at me, or if he felt like tha Overmare seemed ta bout ponies wantin ta take it up on mah dirty ass.  I was kinda hopin it was tha former, thankin bout what tha fuck I was bout ta do ta em.

THUD!

Da metal footlocker above dem dropped onto they heads, knockin both up cold. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka!  Ghetto ponies -- they never peep dat levitatin-something-up-behind-you trick coming.

I was all up in tha controls, enterin tha passcode from Velvet Remedy’s PipBuck when tha Overmare’s voice boomed all up in nearby speakers.

"Stop!  I order you ta stop dis instant!"

Yeah, dat wasn’t goin ta happen.

"Guardz muthafucka!   I want every last muthafuckin guard pony at Stable Two door playa!  Quit dat filly!"

Oh crap!

I be a gangsta yo, but y'all knew dat n' mah hooves flew up ta tha main switch fo' tha door, n' I prayed ta Celestia dat tha code worked. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka!  Then, wit all mah strength, I threw tha switch.

A bangin clangin filled tha air, followed by a hissin of screw n' a pimped out rumble dat shook tha room.  As I watched, tha massive bolt dat held tha door from Stable Two shut slid back.  A big-ass hinge-arm swung down, attachin itself ta tha door, n' wit a teeth-hurtin squeal, pulled tha massive steel door up n' away.

Randomly, I found mah dirty ass thankin up in mah mother’s voice "Stable Two’s barn door don’t swin dat way."  Da door ta Stable Two wasn’t supposed ta swin at all.  Even though I threw tha switch, I was stunned ta peep it muthafuckin open. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch.

"Yo ass don’t have ta do this… LittlePip, aint it?"  Da Overmare’s voice kicked mah crazy ass outta mah stupor. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. I could hear tha hoovez of gallopin guardz drawin near. Shiiit, dis aint no joke.

I took a step towardz tha door. Shiiit, dis aint no joke.  "Don’t worry.  I’ll brang her back."

"No you won’t son!  If you leave here, you’ll never be let back in!"

For a moment, tha unfairnizz stung.  Da Overmare was willin ta bust up a search jam ta brang Velvet Remedy back.  But then, Velvet was special, n' I was… not.

Part of me wanted ta turn back right there, crawl back ta mah room n' mah dreary but safe life.

Drawin mah dirty ass up, I stepped up tha door.

***     ***     ***

With a gangbangin' final hiss n' clang, tha steel door of Stable Two closed irrevocabilitizzle behind mah dirty ass.

I don’t know what tha fuck I sposed ta fuckin find just beyond tha door yo, but it certainly wasn’t dis long, dark hallway dat smelled of rottin timbers n' sepulcher air. Shiiit, dis aint no joke.  I was no longer up in tha Stable.  But I wasn’t outside yet either. Shiiit, dis aint no joke.  I was up in limbo.

I turned on mah PipBuck’s light, n' recoiled wit a gasp all up in tha skeletonz of long-dead ponies which littered tha hall.  Da outside of tha Stable door was marred from where ponies had slammed on it until they hooves cracked n' shattered, tryin ta git in.

Movin forward quickly, I discovered dat tha hallway opened tha fuck into a oldschool room wit stairs leadin up ta a horizontal door wit a shattered lock.  Da entrizzle from tha outside ghetto tha fuck into Stable Two had been defly disguised as tha door ta a humble apple cellar. Shiiit, dis aint no joke.  And by disguised, I meant dat tha thug whoz ass built it had been buildin a apple cellar.

Takin a thugged-out deep breath, I trotted up tha stairs, swung open tha cellar door, n' stepped outside.

Footnote: Level Up.

New Perk: Cherchez La Filly -- +10% damage ta tha same stupid-ass sex n' unique dialogue options wit certain ponies.