Calamity Hound Overture, Cascade Ominence, Benign Overlord

Dreams... What are they? A figment of the sub-conscious? The spirit wandering to a realm detached from our own? Some brain induced hallucination? Aliens putting images into your head while showing a probe up your shitter?

Why am I asking you this?

Because I just don’t fucking know! No, seriously, I have never had a dream. Ever. Not even a fucking nightmare. I just sleep like a stone, literally. Because stones don’t think. Dumb rocks.

I just go to bed and wake up in the morning. Nothing in between. Abso- fucking -lutely nothing. Do you have any fucking clue how odd that is? My asshole of a psychiatrist says it may be the reason I’m so emotionally retarded. And that was a direct quote. The nerve of these fucking people!

…

Where the fuck was I?

...

Oh yeah!

So, I wake up from another period of stone sleep, and what is the first thing I see? Bars. Metal bars. At first I just stare at it blankly, thinking it is just a figment of my groggy self. Then I start waking up. My eyes widen a bit as I realize the sight in front of me is real.

My head jerks up, looking around. and guess what? Apparently I’m in a cage! Okay, it is more like a cell, but anyway. A large room. Four walls, three of which are rows of iron bars, by the way. I don’t know about you, but that seems like a fucking cage to me.

I know what a cell is, so do not give me those fucking looks! I have been in the slammer for a few weeks, so screw you! This is a bloody cage. End of discussion.

It is dark, but there seems to be some sort of torches on the walls... Or at least I think those are torches. I can see a bit of the rest of the room in the dim light. The room is rather large and there are two other cages/cells/whatever. One is pretty small, just about enough to house a single person. The other... man, it was big. Bigger than the one I was in, anyway.

There was a small puddle of water near me, and in the dim lighting I could see a mirror image of... something.

I saw a bird, or some kind of avian face. A beak, feathers and some mean looking eyes... Kinda looks familiar in a wa- OH MY GOD!‘No... It can’t be... maybe... Okay, hold a fucking moment.’

I cocked my head to the side to confirm a little suspicion I had. The bird thing did the same. I blinked my left eye, the mirror image followed. I opened my mouth, the bird opened it’s beak.

“...” A brief silence. “... Holy shitspinnin’ Christ I’M A FUCKING CHOCOBO!”

That is really all there is to say on the matter, so I’m gonna skip the part where I fangirl- SHUT UP! -about one of the best RPG of all time... Except X, X-2, XII and, the biggest offender, XIII. Those are shit.

After that had passed- I admit nothing -I started to think about this thing a little more thoroughly.

‘Ok, let’s recap a little. Died. Met Morgan Freeman. Woke up in a weird place that made my eyes bleed. Some dog thingies came. I... was knocked out... Yeah. I’m in a cage. I’m suddenly a feathery fluffball from Square...’ I’m starting to see the picture this is forming... And I understand jack shit.

I try to get up, but find out that it’s kinda tricky. My legs are different, the joints are in different places, the muscles respond differently. And don’t get me started on the bird feet! ... Yeah, I’m gonna have to figure out how this shit works... Fuuuuuuuuck. It’s school all over again, except not from Satan’s asscrack.

Firstly, let’s inspect these suckers! The legs are long, black colored, big surprise here, bird feet. Each seem to have four toes, three in the front and one on the back, which is weird since chocobos only have three, but whateve- OH SWEET! I have talons! Check out these curved bad boys! I just got half the more badass than I already am.

Enough inspection. Let’s cut to the chase...

‘Okay... that seems odd... wait, what if I do this... No. No, that is not it... Wait... Is that supposed to bend that way? OH GOD IT’S NOT SUPPOSE- Wait... No ,it does... Hmm, I wonder if I do this... and then I move that there... EUREKA!’

I manage to get myself into a standing position. It it times like these that make you feel like a fucking genius. But let’s get real here. This ain’t exactly rocket science, now is it, bitch? This is basic biology, and even a retard like you can figure this out.

Walking is the next step, pun intended. These new legs are pretty easy to use once you get the basic muscle placement down, as well as how they respond to stimuli.

…

What? Just because I don’t go to school doesn’t mean I ain’t smart. Internet. That is all there is to say on the matter.

I took a few practice rounds around my little cage, mainly because what the fuck am I supposed to do beside that? I’m in a cage for fucks sake! Each step gives me more information on how the legs function. My talons seem to give me better footing and I get the hang of this in no time.

-\/- Minutes in the future, but more than you think -\/-

“Why does this floor hurt so much!”, I yell out to no one in particular after my upteenth encounter with the stone floor of my prison... Okay, I admit. Walking in a new form is not as easy as I made it out to be. Go have a wank, or something. I don’t need your pity.

But seriously.

This floor cheats.

A sound of a steps gets my attention. Soon enough, three of those dog things walk to my cage. I recognize one as Mr. Weeney from earlier.

The second one is unfamiliar, and smaller than the two others. A dog with silvery fur wearing a green tunic of sorts... my Link sense is tingling. It was... kinda staring at me. I paid no heed to it though.

The third...

Hoo boy. This thing was the biggest, meanest looking thing I had ever seen. A dark grey furred beast of a dog wearing a black vest. Very finely built muscles were apparent all over it’s body, as well as a large array of scars... I’m gonna go off the handle and say that is a male and a... a... Damn it! What was it... The leader of a pack of... Alpha. This guy is an alpha of the pack. Has to be. I am fairly sure, so screw you nay-sayers!

The big alpha looked at me, sizing me up as I lay on the floor. I glare right back.

“Is this what you discovered? What is it?”, The alpha said in a gruff voice. I could say with certainty that that was the voice of someone old. Someone old who had seen battle, I mean.

In short, a total badass. I like him.

“We know not. We find it in forest.”, Weeney said. “It not very smart. Knock itself out.”

I suddenly feel a vein in my head expand. “Bitch, come over here and say that again!”, I jump up and shout out in a brief fit of anger. I am temperamental. Don’t judge. Mr. Weeney recoils at my yell, but the alpha just raises a brow at me.

An amused chuckle leaves the alpha’s mouth. “It seems this creature is at the very least intelligent enough to know when it is mocked, Heros.”, He said to Mr. Sausage, who’s name, I suppose, is Heros... That name is kinda cool, to be honest. Still gonna call him Weeney though. Because it’s funny. “Also, stop cowering like a pup! You are an embarrassment.”

… I am beginning to like this guy. He’s got a sense of authority around him. I can respect that.

The comment made Weeney grow a miniscule backbone again, stepping up and trying to stand tall. I shoot him a glare and, I swear this is true, I can see his eyes begin tearing up just the smallest bit while he keeps that tough look.

My question?

How motherfucking scary is my glare to do that? Or, alternatively, how much of a scaredy cat is this little puppy?

I say I am just that bad.

Badass, that is!

The alpha continued, “Whatever it is, it’s built is strong and steady. Maybe it can be of some use to us in the mines.”

“Mines? Fuck. That.”, I mutter under my breath. If this guy wants me to do something that demeaning, he has to come over here and make me.

And speak of the devil, the door to my cage is opened. I would run for it, but have no idea where I am, not to mention my path is blocked by a big dog. I am rash, not stupid. The alpha steps inside. Weeney and the small one stayed outside and seemed to observe.

The alpha looks at me and that is when we both realize something. As big as the alpha looked, he was looking up to me. I was taller by a head and a half, at least. Holy shit, I am huge! The alpha just lets out a dry chuckle.

“Well, let’s see how useful you are to us, chicken.”

Okay, I didn’t quite register what happened next, but I am quite sure but I might have, you know... snapped. Okay, here is the rundown of events that took place in the span of two seconds, based on my very hazy image of the event. But because I am not in the mood for long periods of small talk, allow me to give it in short, simple, dimwit-proof format for all you jackasses out there.

I kicked the big dog in the no-no zone, possibly making him sterile... Maybe... Most likely... Perhaps... Not... But then again...

Okay. I am not one to regret something once it is done, but man. The sound that I vaguely remember occuring on impact of my birdy leg smashing against his... Yeah... It was pretty... Aw fuck, I dunno.

Weeney dashed into the cage to help his leader, who was on the ground, on all fours, looking and sounding VERY much in pain. The small dog in the tunic stayed outside, looking shocked, covering it’s mouth with both hands... paws... You know what? They have fingers. Ergo, hands.

The alpha, through all the pain I give in a weeks time to some douche bouncers, glares at me with sudden anger. “Why you miserable pile of feathers!”, He snarled, the words wavering a bit. Can’t blame him. Weeney helps his leader stand up and leads him outside the cage, all the while I just glare at the alpha menacingly.

Don’t get me wrong but as bad as I feel for kicking him in the nads, I would do it again. Seriously. I would.

The cage door closes and is locked. I am trapped again. The alpha turns to me with a mean look and an aggressive growl. “We’ll get you to co-operate. Mark my words. A few days with nothing to eat might help with that attitude of yours.”

With that the three dogs left. The smallest one looked back at me briefly, but I disregarded it and sat down the best my bird body could. The door closed. It was dark again.

…

“Fuck food! I can do without it, so you ain’t getting shit from me!”, I yell at the empty darkness, in the direction of the door.

I avert my eyes off of the door and just look straight ahead, lacking anything better to do. So here I was again. Alone in the dark... ‘Wait a fucking second...What is that?’

I had to squint to confirm a little tidbit my brain just took in. There was a shape in the largest cell. I could not tell, as the light from the torch like thingies did not reach that far. But whatever it was, it did not seem to move. Like, at all. Either it is just some debris, or something dead. Well, whatever it is, it’s big. Even with some newfound perspective that... whatever looks huge.

I decide not to think about it too much. Probably nothing.

…

…

…

What the fuck am I supposed to do? Should I sleep? Nah, don’t feel like it. Just lie here? I don’t really see the point. Walk around with no purpose... I’m feeling too lazy for that...

Oh well. One thing is for certain. If that big dog want’s to keep me starving, fine! I’ll show you who’s the boss of me!

*~Groan~*

… That sound is a lie.

*~Groan~*

Seriously. Ignore it.

*~Groooooaaaaaan~*

… I just remembered I had not eaten anything prior to that one sandwich before, you know, dying... Oh well, I can handle this.

“Oh my Goooooood... How can hunger be this big of a pain in the ass?”, I groan. Okay, maybe I had overestimated myself. You have done it too. It has only been 2 hours, or something, I dunno, and I am already willing to kill for a piece of corn... And I fucking hate corn. With a passion.

They must burn and become popcorn-zombies. Which must then be killed again. With sulphuric acid. In a clown car.

It’s like double Hell, I know.

*~Groan~*

“Holy fucksnapper, shut up!”, I yell at my stomach. I may look like a madman, or an idiot, but you are not coming to tell me that, now are you? Unless you are like that and enjoy me kicking the shit out of you. Through your spine.

*~Groan~*

… Why is hunger suddenly such an issue with me? I’m in a fucking CAGE! Not Nick Cage, cus’ that would be gay. Also, Nick Cage sucks.

Fuck Nick Cage.

*~Groan~*

“Oh for the love of-!”, I am about to shout at myself as I hear the door open again. Raising my head a little, I glance at the direction of the only way out of this underground prison block. My cage door does not count.

The door is opened only a bit, a face looking inside before slipping through, closing the door quietly. It was the smaller dog Link-wannabe.‘Great, what does this one want?’

The dog quietly tiptoed in front of my cage. Funny, it seems to be holding something. I can see it looking at me, and judging by it’s eyes, it knows that I am looking at it as well. Well, less ‘look’ as ‘glare’. Did not seem to bother the dog though. It stopped right in front of my cage, still looking straight at me. It was a bit creepy.

Then, it spoke.

“I thought you might be hungry.”, It said and slid a small basket through the bars. And by it, I mean she. Look at me while I care like they do in Care-a-lot!

… Oh god, I just gave myself brain cancer for making that reference! I feel my brain melting like a popsicle under the magnifying glass!

I decide to just eye the basket a bit suspiciously. “... Thanks, I guess.”, I mutter, still looking at the basket. Who knows, a mutant siamese twin might jump out and gnaw my face off.

The dog gigglles, covering her mouth with a hand all girly like. “That noise you make is funny.”

My head jerks to her direction. “What noise? I’m clearly talking here, girl!”

The dog giggled again. “I’ll bring you more tomorrow. Bye!”, With those words, she left, carefully looking out the door before slipping out.

…

“Kweh?”

...

…

…

…!

What the hell was the sound that just left my mouth? I try to speak again.

“Kweh.(Test.)”, I say. My jaw flies open and pierces the ground till it comes out of the other end before PIERCING THE HEAVENS! Metaphorically. ‘How come I just made a chocobo noise? Have I been doing that the whole time? Why didn’t I notice? WHAT THE HELL?!’

… I must have been blocking it out, or something... Psychology is weird... Wait. Chocobos can’t talk. Then that means...

“KWEEEH KWEH! (Morgan Freeman, you asshole!)”

*~groan~*

… Okay. As much as I want to rage, I am too hungry to even think of that. The dog brought me food, might as well not be a stuck up asshole with too much pride being spoon fed to the little prick. I wonder what her name was... Meh, don’t care.

I get up and slowly, I’ve learned my lesson, so quick walk is right out, walk to the basket. I wonder what the dog brought for me. It was pretty obvious based on her actions that she was not supposed to be here, let alone bring this to me. Kinda of nice of her. She breaks  the rules. I like that.

I peer into the baskets... contents...

…

…

…

It’s motherFUCKING corn.

…

Corn!

…

…

CORN!

*~groan~*

… God.... God damnit... Looks like the alternatives are kinda, oh you know, NOT FUCKING HERE, so I am FORCED to devour this SPAWN of SATAN’S MOLDY ASS! This unholy TURD of BLASPHEMY! Stephen King’s favourite title for a book about a DEMON and BLOOD SACRIFICE!

...

...

...

CORN!

...

… Fine. I’ll eat the fucking corn...

God, I wish I was some other guy right now.

==>Be some Other Guy

A few weeks back, but not that many.

You now assume the perspective and location of some Other Guy. You look absently at the vast mounds of sand that would make this the worlds biggest sandbox... For giant babies. The hot desert air blows into you, carrying some sand along the ride. Straight in your face.

You sneer and snarl at the sight of the seemingly endless desert that spreads out before you into the far horizon. This would annoy you very greatly if it was not for the other thing getting on your nerves.

Some voice has suddenly appeared in your head, narrating everything you do and think. You find it immensely irritating, if not outright obnoxious. You hit yourself repeatedly with your fist as hard as you can in an attempt to make the voice stop. It seems to do nothing but encourage the voice, much to your growing grief.

But of course, some Other Guy is not your name, now is it? The very notion makes you wish to punch the jaw off of the one with enough nerve to actually assume that. But as it points out, albeit in an annoying manner, you are a Guy.

Now, what is this man’s name?

==> Insert name: