Calamity Hound Overture, Cascade Ominence, Benign Overlord

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Man... Let me tell you, a wall has never been soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

oooooo interesting.

No, seriously. It’s, like, all gritty and shit. And grey. That is, like, the most interesting color of them all.

Don’t believe me? Trolls. That is all.

...

Yeah, if you did not notice my sarcasm is pretty thick at the moment.

So I have stared at a rock surface for... a few days? I really can’t tell. The sense of time... It really get’s messed up underground, you know? Fucking fabulous, I know. I have slept two times, so I just assume it has been two days.

That, or my sleep schedule is getting so teabagged right now.

I blame the corn.

Oh. My God. The corn.

These past few days have been basically nothing BUT corn. If it was anything else, say, a goddamn bowl of natto, which is just plain disgusting, I would have eaten it, even if it meant puking out of all of my orifices.

... How the fuck I have not killed myself is beyond me.

The female dog has kept sneaking over here daily. She brings me FUCKING CORN and some water and sometimes stays to talk to me, or something. I don’t listen to be honest. Anyway, she seems like a nice enough sort. In the most irritating, naive way possible.

Also, this situation has given me a justified chance to call her a bitch every now and then. And even that gains minus points because, as it is very strongly hinted, I can’t speak to save my life. I have gotten quite conscious about it, trying to talk to myself- I’M NOT CRAZY -to ease the boredom. Kweh this, kweh that. Kweh kweh KWEH.

I don’t know which is worse. The fact that I can’t speak in a way understandable to anything, or that I sound like a broken record.

I still get what I mean to say, but otherwise this is just plain dumb.

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‘Boy, this stone wall is reeeeeeeeeally interesting...’

The boredom is so strong that I can’t even be bothered to raise my head from the damn floor. And let me tell you, this floor is dirty as shit. Literally... Okay, I exaggerate, but you get my point.

... I swear, if nothing happens in the span of the next ten minutes, I will kill myself.

[20 minutes later...]

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I am a liar.

A big, fat liar.

That or a really lazy bum.

Or a big, fat,, lying lazy bum with horrible middle age acne and syphilis.

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“Kill me. Just do it. I don’t mind. Just make it look cool. Find Masamune and do an Aerith on me. That would be so epic.”

“Wait! Even better, find me a magic fruit and throw me into the sea. Or have a hollow eat my soul. Or-or death by ninjas.”

“Or maybe-”

“OH, SHUT UP!”

I stopped for a moment, looking around for a bit. ‘Who the fuck was that?’  Then my eyes land on... a... rat.

And boy, is that one bigass rat. Must be the size of a small cat.

It looked at me... With an expression of shock... How it does that, I have no fucking clue

I jump up fast like a leopard. The rat tries to run for it but only manages to get a mere foot away till I dropped my left bird foot on it. Well, dropped gently. The rat tries to wiggle it’s furry ass out. Do you even have to guess how successful that is?

Look, I swear, that rat just talked and I’m not crazy. I pinned a goddamn rat to the ground. I want some confirmation for my goddamn sanity!

“And where the hell do you think you are going, whiskers?”, I say, trying to sound threatening. Well, trying to me is the same as basically meaning every fucking word. There is no try in truth. A threat is a threat. Even the fake ones.

It just squeaks annoyingly and frets around like a headless chicken. I lower my head to it’s level till it’s image reflects off of my eyeballs. “I asked, what the hell are you do you think you are going, whiskers?”

“...”, The rat opens it’s little mousy snout, as if trying to talk, but nothing comes out... Guess I am insane then. “H-h-how did you know my n-name?”

I blink once. Twice.... Come on... Rule of  Three... ... ... Thrice. “Wow, really?”, I asked, honestly surprised.

“Y-yes?”, It squeaks back... Okay, she. I hate to start giving animals genders because who gives a fuck, but that girly pitch just confirms it.

“Seriously? No bullshit, right?”, I say, narrowing my eyes to look intimidating.

“W-what?”, The rat squeaks in confusion and fear. I swear, I need a mirror. I want to see how scary I really look, or if this place just has standards that low... Blame me for being a jackass, but scaring others is just plain fun.

... And I just remembered I’m talking to a fucking R.O.U.S! “Wow, shit! I can actually understand that gibberish? What? I can understand and, apparently, speak rat but not fucking english? How the fuck does that work?!”

Shouting is my way of venting. It just feels soooooo good to just let it all out there. It does not even have to be a real word or a sentence. Any kind of yell is a good yell. Bonus points for swears.

The rat, Wiskers just kinda... stares at me, scared at my loud yelling... Kinda the point there. “P-please let me go!”, The rat begged.

I look down on it and, if I even could, smirked like a smug snake. “Well, that is a wee bit of a problem. You see, I don’t feel like it.” I swear, I sound like a more calm and somehow more creepy version of the Joker. The rat whines and I see tears on the poor things eyes...

Okay, for all the shit I spout, I am not that heartless. “Alright. Listen up, ‘cause I got a proposition.”, I say, easing up on the bad guy act a little. The rat stops sniffling and looks at me. “I will let your furry hide go IF you answer some questions I have.”

She looks up at me, teary eyed, scared. “Really?”

“Really.”, I confirm.

The rat thinks a little, which is to say three seconds. “Okay. I-I’ll try.”

I smile, victorious. Can you smile with a beak? I don’t know, but I feel like I am at least trying to.

“So, w-what do you want to k-know?”

...

‘Fuck! Why did I not think that far ahead?’ I think fast, trying to come up with something, fast... Well, there is one thing. “What is that there?” I wave my head to the direction of the large cell. The one with the dark shape I can’t quite make out. It’s been bothering the fuck out of me for a while now.

The rat glanced over there and seemed to  think for a second. “I-It is a... big thing.” Gee, really? “It... I don’t know what it is but it has been there for a long time... Very long. The diamond dogs... they stopped giving it food and water six weeks ago.”

Diamond dogs? Is that what these mutts are called? Laaaaame.

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Wait, that thing is something alive? Well, six weeks with no nutrition tends to kill you, so it must be a corpse by now. But, holy shit, that thing must’ve been enormous!

“I see...”, I say neutrally. I don’t want to reveal my surprise. “Question number two, where is this place located? And I do mean this little comfy cage.“, I say, adding some sarcasm to the end.

Again, the rat thinks before answering. “Well, this place is underground, not too deep from the surface... I think.”

“You think?”, I narrow my eyes at this.

“W-well, I’ve only once gone outside.”

‘Fair enough. So, this place is not that deep... meaning getting out of here is the matter of finding an exit... And getting out of this cage, but whatever.’ I decide to make some plans at a later date. Let’s see, do I have any more things I want to ask about...

Only one thing comes to mind. “Okay, this will be the last one. Do you know of a way out of this place?”

“No.”

‘THAT CAME AWFULLY FAST!’ “You sure about that?”, I asked, lowering to the rat’s level once more. It nodded furiously. I may not be be good at reading others, but there were no signs of lies on the rat’s face. It was telling the truth.

“I answered. D-does this mean I can g-go now?”, It asked me hopefully.

“Yeah, I believe it means that.”, I remark.

‘Okay, info gained: The thing in the corner was something living. Now dead. This place is underground and not that far from surface. Also, no useful escape routes. Fuck! ... Oh well, could have been worse.’

The door creaked a bit. “Hi, it’s me again!”, Came an audible whisper.  I jerked my head up quickly and looked at the familiar sight of that damn bitch that keeps bringing me FUCKING CORN! And, much to my horror, she was carrying a basket.

Fuck. My. Luck! I just jinxed myself just now, didn’t I? AAUGH!

She merrily hops over to my cage, but stops mid-way. “Oh.”, She says. “It seems you already got something to eat.” I know she has a name. She mentioned her name a few times, I think, but I did not listen. Or I chose to forget.

‘I WILL NOT EAT YOUR CO-Wait, what?’ I swallow on reflex. I can feel something sliding down my throat, into my stomach... Something pretty big... And still kinda moving a little.

My body freezes.

“Well, I’ll just leave this here for you.”, The diamond dog, I guess I might as well get used to calling them that, says and leaves the basket inside of my cage before going for the door. “Bye!”

With that, she is gone.

Back to me. I just stood in my cage, motionless. It was that way for about five minutes until I looked at the spot under my leg, where the rat had been. I could see a small spot of red liquid. The movement in my stomach had stopped a while ago.

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I think I just ate a rat. A rat! One of the filthiest creatures in the world! And the weird part is that it’s actually pretty damn good! THIS FREAKS ME OUT! I don't even remember the damn things name anymore! And I ate it!

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‘Wait, chocobos are herbivores, right? ... THEN THIS MAKES EVEN LESS SENSE!’

I totally did not faint after that.