Just like heaven

AN: Yes, this mash-up of the original three chapters was completely necessary. Yep, completely and utterly necessary.

(Listen to this)

Okay enough was enough.

“FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WILL YOU PLEASE TURN IT DOWN?!?”

I really can’t believe this guy sometimes. I know a whole 24 hours on the road will drive people crazy and stuff, but to listen to the same song 400 FUCKING TIMES…its just…the song is still going on wasn't it?

“Shut the fuck up! It’s the Cure! Just Like Heaven is their best song! This song is fuckin' ace!”

I can understand my cousin’s grief. If I listened to Anamanaguchi for five hours straight I would lose my mind. But come on, it’s the Cure! Just like Heaven, man! This is a classic! I Can’t help the fact that I hate modern music and have eclectic tastes in music.

“It was ‘ACE’ the first few times, but come on! We've listened to this one song, like, 50 times!”

“Alright, to tell you the truth, for the past two hours I've only been listening to irk you. How about this sir?”

(NOW LISTEN TO THIS)

“GOT ME A MOVIE I WANT YOU TO KNOW! SLICING UP EYEBALLS I WANT YOU TO KNOW!”

Well I guess this is better, but the volume was still a problem, and defiantly not one you want to have driving for the first time.

“I guess this is better, but can you please turn in down-wait I don’t need your permission. THIS IS MY CAR!”

I quickly turned the knob, quieting the song.

“Now it's WAY better.”

“Okay I understand, it was pretty loud, but I've been blowing my brains out with this stuff for years. You have to understand.”

I've been somewhat of a music connoisseur for years. I really got into old punk rock when I was 13. So I have a whole bunch of CD’s that my cousin hates to listen to.

How does he know exactly what songs I hate? Well not hate, but…detest? I don’t know. Whatever, I have a car to drive.

“Hey, where are we?”

“Let me get the map.”

My cousin reaches for the map, tucked in the back of his stupid, hipster pants.

“Let me take a look at this parchment.”

“Stop doing that.”

“Doing what?”

He has a stupid grin on his face. He knows what I’m talking about. But I know how to mess with him.

“Oh nothing, hey you wanna talk about all the great episodes that Scootaloo had this season?”

“Whatever, we’re in Tennessee by the way.”

“Good, we should only have like…ten more hours of having to piss in this bottle.”

“Why can’t we get out again? This seat-belt is cutting off the blood to my legs. I’m gonna be in a wheelchair by the time we get to BroNYCon.”

I thought we’d gone over this when we started.

“Because we need to keep to our schedule if we're gonna see everything.”

“All we’re going for is BroNYCon. We won’t have time, or money to stay for anything else.”

Its true, we both have minimum wage jobs, I'm not having a birthday now because of this trip. It's okay, this is a pretty rad birthday present.

I hate it when he's right. Ah well the conventions gonna rock anyway.

"So we have a plan right? Like we're not just gonna wonder around New York, right?"

He shrugs. "I thought we were just gonna wing it, you know just do whatever there was to do, then get to the hotel."

"Sounds like a plan. NOW FOR ENDLESS DRIVING!"

A couple of hours later we found ourselves in a small town. I noticed a gas station, and pulled in. I looked to my cousin, who had fallen asleep.

"Hay." I shook him a little. He appeared to be having a really good dream. All the more reason to wake him. "Hay, I think this place has a bathroom...that isn't a bottle."

That got e'm. He shot up faster than I had expected, and knocked me out of the car.

"Bathroom? where?" He practically jumped out of my car, and ran into the gas station...with my wallet.

"Hay! Don't spend our money on stupid shit!"

I let out a small sigh, and watched him dash into the store front. Whatever. Gas now, kill Paquito later.

You know what I love about gas stations? Its like a Wal-Mart, but with only the things you want. Its a 1000 square foot utopia of ridiculously sweet candy and sodas, and cheap hot dogs and nachos. I'm a vegetarian though, so its Zero bars, and Arizona green tea for me. but then I noticed they had my favorite beer for really cheap, so I bought like 3 cases. Oh yeah I peed too. I also knocked some fake pony toys off the shelf. Because fuck those. The cashier got kinda mad and told me to leave. I walked outside and reenacted some SubUrbia scenes. My cousin hates when I do stuff like that in public. He looked up from the pump.

"Stop dancing around like a douche. We only have a few more hours till we get to New York, so lets get moving."

He's looking at the cases of beer, I can tell he's not happy.

"Why?"

"I have two very valid reasons. One: it was way cheaper than usual, and two: you drive better drunk."

He slowly brings his hand up to his face, and rubs the bridge of his noose."I've never driven at all, drunk or not. And two: we're in Tennessee. Do you have ANY idea how hardcore these police are? We'd probably get shot as soon we pulled out of this station."

"You've never been to Tennessee, and neither have I. Besides were not getting pulled over. I am not fucking explaining all the pony merch in your car."

"Okay, you have a bit of a point. But that pony merch is partially your fault anyway."

He walks to the car, and sits in the driver side. "Well...just...just get in the damn car."

Too drunk...to form.... coherent thought. Road... blurring. Response time... decreasing. Really, really... bad...idea.

I slumped against the wheel, unable to keep my weight up. I think P' might be fairing better than-

"WHOOOOOO! FUCKING DESTROY EVERYTHING! Yeah fuck you random Cadillac lady, its the fucking Aqua-bats, bitch! Eat my shit!"

Nope.

"D-dude, calm down. I-I gotta drive this...bike...vehicle...thing to...NYC. Gotta...focus."

It was no use. I always thought that driving drunk would be easy (Fuck you GTA), but holy-god was it hard. The road was constantly shaking, never staying in one place, and i don't know if it was just the drunkenness, or the fact that Paquito was yelling and throwing bottles out of the window (should probably stop that, but...meh), but it was really hard to hear anything.

"Paquito, get your ass back in the car!"

"I NEVER LEFT!"

"YOUR HEAD DID!"

Then something happened that sobered me up. I looked into the rear-view mirror, and saw two flashing lights. The worst possibility has happened. We've been caught driving drunk. In Tennessee.

"Shit."

"what?" He pulls himself back in the car just enough to hear me.

"Cops"

He looks at me for a moment, with the traditional glazed-over eyes of someone who's clearly passed his drinking limit, before a grin starts to grow on his face. "MOTHERFUCK THE PIGS!"

My cousin reached over and shoved my foot down on the accelerator making my car lurch forward, and cranked the music up louder.

I shove him away from the driver-side of the car, but not before we've passed the point of simply stopping and explaining our selves to the police. The number of cruisers after us quickly grew. first to two. Then to five. "DUDE WHAT THE HELL?!?"

"FUCK DA POLICE!"

"GODDAMN IT! THIS WOULD HAPPEN THE FIRST TIME I DRIVE!"

Okay, I got this. 14 years of GTA and saint's row have prepped me for just. This. Moment. I pushed the pedal completely to the floor. The engine roared to life, and accelerated us to far past the speed limit. "Okay, if we're gonna do this, we do this my way." I grabbed my(currently insane) cousin by the shirt, and pulled him into the car. "First things first. Seat belt, now."

He laughed in my face. "LIKE THAT'S GONNA MATTER NOW!"

"WELL, IT CAN'T MAKE IT WORSE!"

He pulls the belt across his chest. I can tell he wants nothing more than to throw bottles at the-now small army- of police cruisers chasing us.

"Come on baby, pull through." The engine, upset that I had called it baby so soon in our relationship, started to die, and we quickly lost speed. One of the Police cars got to the side of my car, and the driver stuck his head out to yell at us at us through his window.

"PULL OVER NOW!"

My cousin leaned over and yelled back.

"YOU PULL OVER, SO YOU CAN LICK MY..."

I pushed him back into his seat.

"PLEASE DON'T SHOOT US! WELL ACTUALLY YOU CAN SHOOT HIM, JUST TRY NOT TO HIT ME WHEN YOU DO 'KAY?"

He took my advice to heart, and quickly quickly pulled out a pistol, taking shots at our wheels.

"GODDAMN IT, I SAID PLEASE!"

I tried to duck my head down to avoid getting 'accidentally' shot. Unfortunately, I forgot that I was behind the wheel of a car, and smacked my head directly into it.

"GODDAMN IT!"

In my groggy, drunk, scared half to death state, I let the wheel go. We sped across the highway a battalion of police cars chasing after us. Adrenaline was coursing through our veins as our lives were left in fates hands. My cousin was having the time of his life, he was screaming and punching the windshield. I was losing my shit, as the car was practically driving itself. I tried desperately to gain control of the car, but the alcohol made it feel like the steering wheel was a mile away. My heart pounded as the situation was getting more and more dangerous. The car turned sharply, and screeched as momentum caught up to us. The car flipped front over back, slamming both of us into the ceiling.

"OW! DAMN IT!"

Well here we are, upside down, in a ditch, about to be arrested. So that was a.... success. I mean, we didn't die or anything right. And I don't think cars just explode. Wait whats that smell?

"Dude." My cousin stammers. "There's...smoke, coming from the car."

Shit, I can tell he's worried, and that would explain the smell. Could just be exhaust, but with our luck...I doubt that.

"We-we could legitimately die right now."

The smoke grew thicker, and it was starting to get hard to see him. He was coughing a lot.

"This is a really bad way to go. At least I'll die by my best friend. " P cracks a smile.

There's really only one way for me to respond to that. "Dude...that's seriously the gay-est shit I've ever heard. Queer."

"Fuck you."

The smoke completely blocked out my vision, there was a burning in the back of my throat. The world went dark, and i could barely hear the sound of my harsh breaths. I heard voices coming closer, they wee shouting about getting help, and I wish I could believe them when they said they would. But I knew better. I closed my eyes, and let the darkness surround me.

This is bullshit. I'm dying on the way, to a convention where I would celebrate in fraternity with other fans of an amazing show. Now I'm dying in a ditch, with my whole life ahead of me. There goes college, marriage, kids, fuckin life man. I'm such an idiot. All the opportunities, all the potential, all snuffed out and fading away. I never even wrote a will-not like I had much here anyway. Well, I always said I wasn't planning on living forever. It came sooner than expected though.

****

The first thing I noticed about being dead, was the well…being deadness thing. After that it was the voice that was apparently trying to wake me up.

“Come now, you must get up. This is not the place for you.”

Or at least that’s what I think it said; to be honest it’s kind of hard to pay attention to anything at the moment. The whole ‘being dead’ thing was kind of taking up most of my thinking right now. I’m not sure about possibly pissing this thing off though, so I’ll just…wake up?

“Hello?”

“AH, it finally awakes.”

That voice is different, I don’t know how, but it is. The first had been vaguely female sounding; this one was definitely male…or as close to male as these things can be.

“Uh ya; I awake. So mysterious voices from the sky would you mind telling me exactly what’s happening? Last time I checked, I got wasted. Twice”

A violent rumble shook the darkness, and I was thrown to the floor. The room lit up, and I could see my surroundings. I’m in…a large white room. There’s a couple large, stain glass windows, and there letting in a lot of light. OW! Too much light, should not stare.

“Name.”

“What?”

“Give me your name. Your title, handle, rank. I don’t care just give us Me name for yourself.”

Okay, I get that this guy runs the universe, or what ever, but he's gotta give me a brake. I just died. That should be a good enough reason to be a little out of it. Wait…what if he can read my mind or some shit.”

“I can, and have.”

Damn.

“S-sorry; its just…I’m still coming to terms with the fact that I’m dead. And that I will probably be spending eternity in a blank room, or something. But, uh, yeah. My names Perez.”

“That's...unique.”

Oh no, I’m not going through this again.

“No. Not like him, well I mean it IS spelled the same way, and it is pronounced the same, but it just… isn't the same, okay.”

How the hell do they even know about-.

“We know everything, and everyone.”

“Wait, then why did you need to know my name?”

“Assurance; Like we said we know everything, and sometimes when you know everything, you forget some things.”

“But…that…it…whatever, why am I here?”

There’s a long pause, its almost like…they don’t know why either. And if the creators of everything don’t know then…I don’t want to think about it.

“An experiment.”

WHAT!?!

“You have no idea, how right you were about that room. We should just leave you, alone in this room, to think about all the bad you've done, but… we've gone over every bad thing you've done. There aren't that many. In fact you trying, and failing to outrun your authorities was the worst thing you've ever done, and even then it pales in comparison to what most of your kind does. So we compromised.”

I can’t stop shaking. The most powerful things ever don’t know what to do with me. It’s just like high school all over again!

“W-what's the experiment?”

“Simple…we bring you back, but in a different dimension.”

Okay, this cannot be happening. First I’m dead, and then I met the powers that be, now I get to live. This…IS THE GREATEST SUMMER EVER! Ah man, I wonder were there gonna send me?

“So where’re you gonna send me?”

Another violent rumble shakes the room. The wall look like they’re alive, and are shifting into, what I think is a…well it’s hard to explain. Imagine a big room, covered in blue light, with computer monitors covering all the walls. There are two figures standing behind a large holographic display, which look like big floating spread sheets. They look like they’re calling me over; so I walk to them.

“So you guys must be god or something right? Cause if you are that’s pretty cool.”

I just noticed, but I don’t think they’re actually listening

“Yes we are, and yes we are. But you can really call us whatever you want. Our names have changed in your kind’s eyes so much, we kind of lost track.”

Now the more feminine of the two, looks up from the table. Or it could be the male one, hard to tell really. The only real difference is the voice, and I don’t think he…she…it, is talking. Wait no, its mouth is moving, so it must be talking…shit.

“-and that’s the entire situation.”

Ah, damn.

I rub the back of my head a little, and look at the ground

“Uh…could you, um…-”

“Go over it again, because you weren't listening at all for the last few minutes?”

Mind reading powers…right.

“Yeah sorry, I was just talking to myself again.”

The other one sighs, and slowly shakes its head. “I expected as much from such a simple life form.”

The feminine one turns to the...'less polite' one. I can almost feel the anger seeping out of it. Ah man, I hope they fight! THAT would be kick-ass, and unimaginably dangerous.

“These BEINGS are not simple life forms. They are creative, innovative, cunning-”

“And would be more than happy, to destroy their planet a thousand times over.”

I should probably stop this. I wouldn't want to be partially responsible for rapture now.

“Um, guys? Could you…NOT have a fight right now? You know, until I’m not in this dimension at least?”

They suddenly turn to face me, their non-existent eyes burning into my soul. I stagger back, and fall to my knees, quickly turning from them.

“It was just…a suggestion.”

“No, no your right, we should get this business done with. Okay the answer to your first question is Equestria.”

I’m so glad I didn't get up; I probably would have passed out. Okay just gotta take deep breaths…deep breaths…can’t freak out…can’t…FUCK IT!

I shot up, ran to the nicer of the two gods, and pulled it into a large hug. I lifted it up a bit, and spun.

“THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU!”

“Um, your welcome...could you please put me down?”

“Shit, sorry.”

I set it…you know what; I’m calling it a she. So anyway I set her down gently and return my attention to the display. There’s just so much to think about! What will I eat? Will I be an outcast? Will I even speak their language?!?

“Oh you needn't worry about any of that, we are celestial beings after all, so we’ll give you like…five things. How, about that?”

Life, plus free stuff? Heck YEAH!

“Sounds good, so do I get to choose or, are there like pre-set packs or what?”

The other one, the manlier of the two, waved his hand through the display. It…it transformed into a hiker’s backpack. Fucking gods, how do they work?

“Just tell us five things you want, and we’ll give them to you. They can be anything, so choose wisely.”

Hmmm…decisions, decisions. Let’s try something easy.

“See this hoodie I’m wearing?”

he glances down quickly, before staring back up. “Hard not to, it’s awfully…green.”

“Yes, and I would rather not lose it, so can I bring this?”

“The hoodie? We have the ability to shape the cosmos, and you want us to give you a plain old hoodie?”

Now he’s laughing…a lot. Like way more than is probably appropriate. Well at least the other one isn't…no…no she’s trying not to laugh, too. A small sigh escapes before I can stop it.

“Okay fine. Have it... make me run faster, or something." I raise an eyebrow at the snickering gods, "Better?”

He stops laughing, and waves his hand at me. I’m kind of being lifted off the floor. My coat shines green…well greener, and all of the holes that it’s accumulated in the past few years repair them selves. The process lasts a minute at the most, and I’m lowered back down.

“There we are; one enhanced hoodie. Four more items left.”

I take a couple of deep breaths. This hoodie is awesome! I feel like I could…I don’t now like jump at shit, or something. Whatever, four more gifts. I should probably make the next few boring survival shit.

“How about some food and supplies? Like a least two days worth. That would get me by till I found a town.”

“Okay.”

Another hand wave, and some granola bars, and water fly into the pack. Ooo…there’s chocolate ones.

“Last one kid, then it’s back to the world of the living.”

Okay…last gift. Gotta think hard about this one. What could I use most of all when I’m in a new world? Immortality? Nah, then I would have to watch all my friends die…if I make any friends that is. Never been one to enjoy the lime-light, and I doubt I could ever get a chance to even attempt casual conversation with any inhabitants if I was the only alien.

But...what if I wasn't the only alien?

“Could I bring someone?”

He looks at me, and cocks his head to one side.

“Well sure, but…would you want to? I mean, you’ll be the only one of your kind in the entire planet. You would be famous, and powerful, the envy of every other creature! Why would you want anything less?”

“Exactly like you said, I would be the center of attention wherever I went. I-I don’t think I could handle that. So like you know, use your magic powers, and bring me a friend….please.”

He shrugged, and motioned me closer to the display. It changes into a window, blocked by clouds.

“So then, who will it be?”

“Is there any rules, or anything?”

The being brings his equivalent of a hand to his equivalent of a chin for a moment, before he looks back at me “No living people. We had enough trouble bringing you here. ”

“Okay, how about the kid who died with me? He was a really good friend.”

“The one that got you killed in the first place?”

I let out a little sigh. “Ya, him.”

He shrugs again, and the window changes. The clouds move away, revealing a glistening cityscape. The building shone in the light, and there was music playing gently in the background. It was a textbook utopia. Just the thing he would have as a heaven.

“Wha-what is this?”

“Your friend’s heaven. Let’s take a look-see.”

(ONE HOUR EARLIER)

Ah man, my head is killing me. Shit am I dead? I-I don’t feel dead, but…why can’t I see? I…feel a light.

My eyes shoot open, I can’t believe my eyes. There’s only one way to describe it. Heaven.

I wake up to the brightest light imaginable, but it doesn't come from the sun. It comes from the buildings. Every single building is dozens of stories high, and gleaming with the most vibrant and pure gems and precious metals. The bible described it as basically a Jerusalem that got El Dorado'd.

Literally millions of people are standing around in white gowns, everyone has a unique crown on based on the things they accomplished in their time on earth. Some people are old and some are young, but you wouldn't be able to tell because they all have the vigor of youth. I also notice there are no children in heaven.

I look for miles and all my doubts are laid down to rest, as all the people mentioned in the bible are present and discussing with new arrivals. There is a giant synagogue in the far distance, with clouds covering the very top where the Creator resides upon. I look down and I’m standing on the most fertile soft ground I have ever seen. Even the dirt has a brighter hue to it.

Animals are there roaming freely and there is no murder of carnivorous nature. I sit down on the ground and try to assess where I am. If you can have a heart attack in heaven, I had one. I see in the distance, Johnny Cash, Charles Darwin, and Ezra, one of my favorite people from the Bible, walk over and sit down by me. Johnny Cash looks at me, and places a hand on my shoulder.

“I know how you feel son. We all decided you should wait a while until you meet your family, so you’re not too overcome with shock. So we decided we'd come talk to you for a while."

Then, he smiled at me, and all I could do was smile back.

(Present time)

"Oh my gosh, o my gosh o my gosh! Mr. Darwin, I’m a huge fan! "

“Calm down my boy! I’m only a man. You are in the presence of one greater than I."

"But I still really want to talk to you!"

"Alright, alright, come over here let’s sit and talk."

Mr. Darwin who I can hardly believe is talking to me is now sitting close enough to touch, with a smile that reflects everything that makes him great. This man, inspired generations of people, created a theory that almost derailed religion. This absolute genius is sitting with me and talking with me. The best part is that there is not time limit for our debate. We literally have an eternity. I always had this fear that heaven would become boring after so long and we would simply run out of things to do. Now I'm not worried about that. If I get to have conversations with people like Charles Darwin then I wouldn't mind living forever!

My views aren't as different as Mr. Darwin’s as I thought. We agree on many things but I had to bring up things like the bombardier beetle and jellyfish. Animals which, should contradict evolution. Of course he gave me reasonable explanations and most of the time he had the answer to my questions. I asked him what life was like on the Galapagos Islands and the criticisms he got for his works. He didn't think people would still believe in it after he became a Christian, but people still did.

"Personally, I don't know how people would still believe in something after its creator stopped believing in it! Not unlike your Proudhon with your Anarchism sir!" He says with a wink.

I’m surprised he knew about it, but at least that answered my question on weather or not people actually watched on people after they've died. Mr. Darwin- who insists I call him Charles- asks me about modern life, and I update him on as much as I can remember.

Of course, I try to filter out the cynical sarcastic pessimism I usually use in my speech. No need to be rude around such a polite and kind gentleman. Talking to Mr. Darwin would be one of the greatest days of my life, if I wasn't dead. He and I go on and on about religion and all the little aspects of Christianity that many people forget. I explain some things in the Apocrypha to him, which brings me infinite bliss. To know that I taught Charles Darwin something. I lose track of time, but I'm not worried. I’m just captivated with every word that comes out of his mouth. Then he explains how origins of species and creationism have a lot of things that answers each others questions. I sit and listen attentively. Heaven is going to be great.

“Excuse me, gents, but would there happen to be a..." He looks down at his palm, and reads something off of what looks like a PDA, "Paquito among you?”

What the? Who’s this guy, and what does he want with me?

“Uh…yeah, right here.”

I waved my hand to get his attention. The man, who I’m guessing is an angel, is wearing a long white trench coat; a fedora is on top of his head. I can’t see his face though, it's hidden by the coat. He sees me, give a small grin, and gestures me to follow him.

“Right this way, young man. There’s someone who needs you.”

Ah man, am I gonna get to talk to GOD!?! That would ROCK! Ah man I better hurry.

We turn down a hallway, and step to a large door. It looks like it might be made out of oak. The angel turns to me. He opens the door for me. Looking through it, I can only see…darkness.

“Hay, is this supposed to be like a portal or-?”

“Sorry for the inconvenience, but this was his wish.”

“Wait, wha-.”

He pushes me through the door, and slams it behind me. Then it all started to fade. It was a blur and then blackness, I felt like I had the wind knocked out of me and then I passed out.

Wow. Did I just ruin Paquito's heaven…man, that actually makes me feel a little bad. I mean, he is mostly responsible for our deaths and all, but still. I hope it doesn't take long for him to forgive me...

“It may take a bit longer than never, but still you got your wish, and you can deal with the consequences.”

“Please stop reading my mind.”

“No.” is all I get back

He walks me over to a circular stone embedded in the floor. Well I say stone, but I guess it could be a podium. I don’t know its just a circular raise in the floor, its glowing blue.

“Come on, come on. We don’t have all night…well of course WE have all eternity, but I assume you want to get back to living.”

I stand on the podium, and the light changes from blue, to green. My visions starting to go out a little, and I can barely hear what they are trying to tell me. Just…gotta…focus.

“-any help from me, because I don’t run anything over there. You’ll be completely on your own. Good luck kid, and May the force be with you.”

Did he just make a Star Wars ref-. The light from the podium got painfully bright, and I had to shut my eyes to make sure they weren't damaged. I felt my hoodie attach its self to my body, and the pack clipped into place. The last thing I heard was a loud roar, and then…I could feel sunlight.

*****

color=cornflowerblue](LISTEN TO THIS)

A canyon…out of literally an entire world to choose from, the two most powerful beings ever…chose a canyon. And they made fun of me for enhancing my hoodie!?! Ah whatever, I’m in Equestria now, so that definitely outweighs the shitty location choice.

Looking around, I’d say I was in…damn. What was the name of that canyon that Dash had that race in? Creepy canyon…monstrous mountain…Ghastly gorge! Yeah that’s it; I’m in Ghastly Gorge, which… doesn't help me feel better actually. I remember those quarry eels. I’m going to try not to run into any. But I have to be moving in order to run into anything, so I’ll go…left.

I only made it when a shocking revelation hit me. I have absolutely NO idea where I’m going. I, in one of my MANY feats of brilliance, forgot to ask for a goddamn map.

“Fuck my life! Stuck in a canyon, only two ways to go, and I’m still lost. Ah well I guess this gives me a reason to look through my shit.”

I dump the contents of my pack on the floor. There was about three bottles of water, a couple of granola bars of various flavors, and…a note?

“What the hell?”

I unwrap the small square of paper. The words written on it seem to glow. The note says:

‘Hey kid, you forgot a map. I should really just let you wonder that canyon you’re in for making such a stupid mistake, but Delilah(my Boss, and your only reason for living) would get prissy, so I’m letting you off easy with a warning. But remember that this is absolutely THE last time we can help you. Also I noticed the lack of weaponry, or any other form of self-protection, so I got that covered too. One for you, and one for your friend, and don’t forget: your here on business. Don't do anything stupid.’
-Argyle

“Wow, even when he helps he sounds like a dick.”

I crumple up the note, and throw it away. Turning my attention back to the supplies on the floor, I notice the syringe. It’s filled with a greenish liquid, which appears to have the same consistency of syrup. Of course the only thing I noticed was how big it was! I don’t know where he wanted me to inject myself, but holy shit this thing is at least four or five inches long. I pick it up, and it…whirs?

“Eye, or hand?”

It’s talking. The syringe…it’s talking…to me. ...You know what? I don't even care anymore.

“Um, excuse me?”

“Where will you choose to have your map projected?”

“Which one hurts more?” Clearly the most important question when having things stuck in you.

“Both are equally painful to all life forms.”

Hmmm, this is actually a hard decision. On one hand having a map built into my eye, would be so far beyond bad-ass that things would just explodewhen I walked by. But on the other hand, I imagine that I’m going to have to inject this thing myself, and the thought of having to look straight at a needle, guided by my hand heading straight for my eye ball would be terrifying, plus I've played Dead Space, so I know how badly shoving a needle into my eye could be. So, hand-held map it is!

“Hand, I choose hand.”

“User input confirmed, adjusting size.”

Oh, that must mean it gets smalle-…nope, it got bigger. Only slightly so, but still. It has to be at least five inches now. Goddamn this is gonna hurt.

I lined the needle as close to the center of my palm as I could; not as easy as you would think with my hands still shaking furiously, and push it into my skin.

It…didn’t hurt that much actually. I mean it was unpleasant, but when are shots ever not. The way Argyle described it though, I honestly though it would be ten times worse.

The flesh of my hand fell of in a single, soggy clump, leaving the bones of my left hand exposed. My fingers contorted, and shifted, breaking, and re-breaking into different positions. My veins, which had been hanging loosely from my skeletal hand, began to solidify, becoming a shade of silver in the process. My bones snapped once more, and returned to their natural state. They to had turned to light shade of silver, slightly shimmering in the sunlight. Finally, after what seemed to be an eternity, the flesh of my limb slowly, slowly, ever so slowly, began to return. The artificial kin was alabaster white at first, and then it began to darken into a light brown, matching the rest of me.

Or at least, that’s what probably happened. In reality, I’m actually rolling around in a still growing puddle of my own tears. I dropped to my knees, and shut my eyes as soon as my skin fell off, but can you really blame me? But the weird part about the whole thing is that it wasn't the sight of my skin peeling or my bones breaking that got me. It was the sound, that wet, slimy, crunchy, slightly wet…I think I’ll stop now, for the sake of not having to re-live it again.

But Goddamn did that hurt. I don’t think I can even stand right now it hurts so much. But I have to get going. I have no way of telling the time, except for following the sun, but who really learns how to do that anyway? Plus I still don’t know where Paquito ended up at, so that’s even more incentive to hurry up and move. I hope his pocket knife didn't engage when he landed here .

Standing up, I quickly re-pack the supplies. While doing this, I noticed two small, almost pitch black cylinders. If these are the weapons he wants us to use, I not sure if they’re going to help against anything. They only seem to weigh about, five pounds or so, and they’re blunt on both ends. Turning one of them over, I notice that one of the carvings is legible enough to read.

“Aticano? What the hell dose that mean?”

The tube starts shaking violently, and then melts. Like literally just melts. A thick,black, tar-like liquid coats my hand. I try to shake this shit off, but it just STAYS on my hands. Then it does something even weirder. It changes its color, from black, then to darker shades of green. It finally re-solidifies into its original tube shape, only now it’s a dark forest green.

“Okay, so now I have a green useless tube. Because everyone knows that the one thing that dragons, hydras, manticores, and various species of dolphin are afraid of, ARE TUBES! I mean I get that he doesn’t know anything about this universe, or dimension, or whatever, but come on! At least give me a sword or-”

The tube melts again, but quickly re-solidifies itself into a darkly colored short sword.

It…it turned into a sword. Just, up and…I mean…what this is, I don’t even.

I give the emerald sword a few twirls. Its weight seems perfect for me, not to heavy, not to light. But then again what do I know, the only experience I have with any kind of sword, were old light-saber toys. I wonder what else this thing can do.

“Um…crossbow?”

Again, it melts, this time, separating into two different puddles of dark green, before rebuilding itself as a steel finished crossbow.

Sweet that worked! It’s an emerald crossbow now, already strung with a bolt. Hmm that might be a problem, having only one bit of ammunition. I wonder.

I take aim at a nearby tree, and fire. The bolt glows blue, and flies into the tree faster than my eyes can register. Another flash of light, and whadd’ya know, another bolt appears in the old one’s place.

“Oh this…I could get use to. I wonder if my knowledge of game shit will finally help me with something. Um…Oh, I know!" I hold the alien metal in front of me, and speak as clearly as I can. "Hidden blade.”

The crossbow breaks in two, and the lower piece wraps around my right wrist. The other, merges with it, becoming razor sharp, and slinking into its signature hidden state. I flick my wrists a couple of times, shooting the blade out, and back in. It’s just as cool as I thought it would be, man when Paquito sees this…wait a minute.

“SHIT! I still don’t know where he fucking is! Oh, wait map.”

I hold my palm face up, and talk into it. Why? Because everything talks apparently, and I don’t know how to use this thing.

“Um…find Paquito?”

A blue light flickers from the center of my palm. It displays a floating, two-dimensional map of the quarry. I the center is a triangle, which I assume is me, especially since the words ‘you’ are in the middle of it. The map pans down the quarry, and shows a circle, labeled ‘Paquito’. I wonder if that’s where P’ is. Just kidding, I’m not that stupid. Anyway, according to the map, P’s only a few miles to the left. Miles…goddamn it.

“Guess I better get goin’ then. sun’s still high in the sky, so I should have time to find him before it gets dark.”

I re-equip the pack, throwing it over my shoulder, and run. The wind passes me faster than it ever has in my life. The layout of the ground if front of me has a constantly shifting view, as I whiz past. A rock, approximately five-by-five feet in measurement (How did I know that?) is quickly approaching. With a single leap I fly over it, landing with a small roll. This hoodie must have given me super-human levels of agility. Fuck walking, as soon as I’m in town, it’s gonna be parkour, all day, everyday.

After a good thirty minutes of running, rolling, and in one case tripping, and landing face first in the stream that runs through the quarry, I finally reached Paquito’s still unconscious body. He’s slumped on a rock, dangerously close to said stream.

Okay, just gotta wake him up, tell him that…I…dragged him out of his perfect…paradise, and…aw, crap.

I dragged him from the stream, and sat him up. He’s really asleep, but he’s frowning. That’s probably a bad thing. I give him a couple of good shakes, and his eyes slowly start to open.

Ah, my head. I think I died again, or is it born? Whatever, my head just really hurts, and Perez won’t stop shaking me. Wait a minute.

“P-Perez? Dude, I thought we were-”

He stops shaking me, and holds up a hand, cutting me off.

“Dead? Oh, we were. Completely, and utterly dead, but don’t worry, your good ol’ cousin Perez saved you from a boring afterlife of talking to Charles Darwin, or Johnny Cash, or who ever the fuck, and had the powers that be bring us back.”

I stare at him as he puffs out his chest a little, in a classic 'victory' pose. I grab both of his shoulders, and bring him close to my face. “You, WHAT!?!”

Waves of emotions overtake me. Anger, sadness, fear, and just every negative emotion I could muster. Anger, because I just left Heaven, and all my family, as I was just about to talk with some of my most favorite human beings in existence and it’s probably my cuz's fault that I never will be able to. Sadness, because I don’t know if Ill ever be able to see them again, and of course fear, because, and this is a pretty big one, HOW THE FUCK ARE WE IN EQUESTRIA!?! I quickly stand up, pushing my cousin to the floor, with how fast I am.

“You must be joking! I must have hallucinated and we are actually just in some hospital in Tennessee. There’s got to be a logical explanation!”

He chuckles, and stands up, dusting the dirt off of that stupid hoodie that he always wears. He looks at me, still smiling.

“Don’t you think logic kind of went out the window the second I guess the details of your personal heaven? I mean just look around you! Tell me this isn't Equestria."

I couldn't deny it. I had watched the pet episode a dozen times; this was the canyon that Rainbow dash and her slew of possible pets flew through. I stand up, and glare at him with animosity. He might have chosen the perfect place to come back to, but that didn't excuse how cool he was about it.

”Equestria!?!? What the hell! Do you know how hard it is to make it in to heaven? The very fact that I got in when I died drunk is a miracle! As a Christian every waking moment is spent in paranoia worrying that you might be banished for hell for all eternity. I made it somehow, and now I’m dragged here? Why would you bring me here?! What are we doing here?! EXPLAIN!" I grab him by his jacket and yank him close again. He raises his eyebrow a bit, and sighs.

“If it’s really so important, I’ll tell you, but first do you think you could let go of the hoodie? It’s kind of important now.”

I let go, and he takes a few steps back, and dust's off his jacket. He coughs once, then…oh god. He’s trying to use his Morgan Freeman voice to tell the story.

“You see my good friend, after you and I expired in that unfortunate fire; I got a chance to talk with one of the leaders of, at least our own, universe. Argyle was his name, and he pleasant enough. We had quite the exchange, but I’m guessing you just want the main points, yes? Okay, so the main thing they told me is, that because of my atheist, I wouldn't be aloud entrance into heaven.”

I was about to call him out on his atheism, telling him about how I had been right all along, but he must have thought I would bring this up. He holds up both of his hands and, without breaking his impression, adds

“Now before you, say anything, remember that without me not believing, both of us would probably just spend all of eternity permanently happy, a fate I wouldn't give to my worse enemy. So continuing on, I was told that I was going to come here instead, and that I could choose some things to bring with me. Long story short, you were one of those things, because you’re probably my best friend. And that’s basically it…you mad?”

I walk pass him, and stand on the edge of the stream. I kick a couple of rock into the currents. I guess I really can’t be too mad at him; at least the local is good. Well not at the moment of course, we’re still in a desolate canyon. Maybe he was right about the boredom thing. At least I know there won’t be any of that here.

“So…were gonna be here till we die?”

“Most likely.”

“And you’re not sure what version of the MLP universe we got sent to?”

“Oh, not at all.”

I sigh a little, and place my forehead in the palm of my hand. “Well, if we’re gonna do this,”I walk over to him, and extend my arm out, hand balled into a fist, “We’re gonna do this right. Bro-hoof?”

He smiles, and nods, bumping my fist with his.

“ Bro-hoof.”

And with that, we begin our long walk to PonyVille, both of us excited at the though of the journey.

*****

Twilight sparkle was confused. This morning had started out, just like any other, with her checking her to do list. But right when she had gotten to item number twenty-two (re-check the half checked-check list), Pinkie had burst into the library, knocking over several books in the process. When she had finally calmed down the pink maelstrom, she began rapidly yelling at her about her ‘pinkie sense’ was sensing something that was going to be a ‘super-duperly-doozily-doozie’.

“Pinkie please, just try to calm down, and explain to me exactly what you’re talking about.”

The pink mare continued to hop about, completely disregarding Twilight’s request.

“But I already told you Twilight, my pinkie sense is going CRAZY! It’s like that time with the hydra, only waywaywaywaywayWAY worse!”

Seeing that she wasn’t going to get her to stop anytime soon, she figured she might as well try to humor her.

“Pinkie, will you at least tell me where this ‘doozie’-”

“Super-duperly-doozily-doozie.” She interrupted.

“Right, so can you tell me where it’s going to happen?”

Pinkie shook more violently than before, her body seeming to vibrate from how quickly she was hopping up and down.

After about three minutes of this, she suddenly stopped, and tackled Twilight to the ground.

“GHASTLY GORGE, WE NEED TO GO NOW!”

With that she shot off of to said canyon, leaving behind a very confused unicorn.

“She sounded scared Spike; I think I should listen to her this time.”

The young dragon rolled his eyes, and continued staking the books that had been not off of the shelves.

“Then get going then Twilight.”

Twilight was going to respond, but was interrupted by Pinkie, as she burst back into the library, knocking the previously re-stacked books back off.

“Aw come on!” spike exclaimed.

“Sorry Spike.” She apologized. “But I forgot something.” She turned her attention back to Twilight. “We need to bring Fluttershy.”

“Why?” she questioned

“Because the pinkie sense said so!” Pinkie responded.

Twilight sighed, and walked out the door, following Pinkie. As she was leaving she turned back to Spike.

“Bye, Spike. I’ll come back if this turns out to be a wild pinkie chase.”

Spike continued to stake books, and without looking up responded.

“Just go Twilight. Like you said, she sounded scared, so try to be careful.”

Twilight smiled, and turned to try to catch up to the speeding pink blur.

*****

The walk through the canyon was for the most part just talking. We both had are questions, and concerns, ranging from ‘are they going to be humans’ to ‘are they going to kill us’. But after the first hour or so of walking, we had finally sunk to the ultimate low in self-entertainment. Synchronized singing.

“Take, on me!”

“Take, on me”

“Take Me on!”

“Take on me”

“I’ll be gone!”

“In a day or two!”

Okay, I have to stop this before we kill things with our terrible singing.

“ Whelp, that’s enough of that.”

“Agreed.”

We walked in silence for a little longer, before Paquito stopped and looked ahead blankly. What the Hell's wrong with him?

“Dude, you okay?”

He shakes his head, and catches up to me. He puts his arms around the back of his head.

“I just can’t believe that this is happening, I mean do you have ANY idea how many people would kill to be in our position?”

“Over nine thousand?” I grin at him.

He glares back at me and continues.

“We need a plan; script, or a schedule or something. I mean we can’t just waltz in there and be like ‘Y Helo thar pony peoples’ we need an idea of what we’re gonna do.”

He has a point, no need starting a panic as soon as we walk into town. Best to save that for Nightmare Night.

“Okay, what did you have in mind?”

“We need to find Twilight first; out of all of them she could handle the appearance of two alien creatures.”

“Who are armed?”

He raises an eyebrow. Oh shit, did I forget to tell him about the tubes?

“We’re not armed. We’re barely supplied.”

I flick the hidden blade out of its sheath. Its point gleams in the sun, and it’s sliver finish shines. My cousin looks at it with a frown.

“Where did you get that? WHY did you get that? We’re in Equestria, there’s no reason to have weapons at all.”

“But its sooo~ coool~! Check it!”

I shift the tube-or Aticano, as I had learned to call it- into various weapons. My cousin’s jaw hits the floor as my weapon melts and shifts around. After about six, or so changes though I notice something. The tube’s color is starting to return to its original black color, and the shifts take longer, and longer to complete. I better stop, I wouldn't want it to break.

“Cool huh?”

“Yeah, it’s cool I guess, but do you really need it?”

“Oh that’s right, you get one too.”

I pulled the other tube from my pack, and toss it to him. He turns it around in his hands, getting used to the weight or something. I see him squinting at some of the letters on the back.

“Aldous? What does that mean?”

The tube floats out of his palm, and glows teal…teal? I didn't know that’s what his favorite color was. How manly. Any way, the tube now has teal Tron-lines running down it’s side, and…I’m sorry, its just…it would look sooo much cooler if it wasn't teal.

“Teal, really?”

“Shut up, everything you own is green.”

“You're God-damn right.”

“That doesn't make any sense!”

“Neither does…that.”

I…I don’t know what I’m looking at. They look like Quarry eels, but…they’re blue. There’s about four of them, and they’re coming from the water…at us.

“Quarry eels? I thought they lived in caves!”

“Look at those teeth!”

I did, and I wish that I didn't. The teeth of the…quickly approaching eels are practically running with a dark purple liquid. I think they might be babies, it would explain the size of the things. They’re getting closer…and they’re hissing. It’s…its terrifying, but forward is the only way to get to the town. I hope I know what I’m doing.

“We have to fight them.”

“WHAT!?!”

“It’s the only way past, we have to fight them.”

“Dude I don’t want to kill anything, I’m a vegetarian for god’s sake.”

“DON”T CARE!”

I ran at the eels hoping that the show of aggression would scare them away. It didn't.