Monstrous Malfeasance

They met at craft services: the monster and the demigod. It was a simple fare; bagels, muffins, some fruit and a couple of parfaits (marked for the lead cast, of course).

"They never have anything good at these things," Discord muttered, mostly to himself.

On the other side of the table, Clover grunted an agreement. "Seriously. Where's a slider when you want one? Or, hell, even a ham sandwich would be a nice change..."

Around them, ponies sprung into action as the director called for scene set. "You in this one?" Discord asked, eyeing the other's nametag while selecting a raisin muffin. Maybe he could pretend the raisins were little insects...

"Nope, I got one appearance in scene 49."

"Damn, that's a wait."

"Don't I know it." Clover shuffled his long, double-jointed arms and pulled a script from somewhere on his back. "This might be the single shittiest role I've ever gotten. Listen to this... Scene: Nighttime, Canterlot Castle, base of South Tower," he read. "Celestia: 'Guards! Full power attack on left flank, hit that bastard where the Me don't shine!' -Seriously? Where the Me don't shine? Who writes this stuff?" He shook his head and sighed, the air-sacs on the sides of his head deflating slightly. "And here's my name; Failed Genetic Experiment - can you believe that? My frakkin' name in this hunk of stallion crap is Failed Genetic Experiment! I can only imagine that they actually call me by that name on set, too. Ooh, yeah, and here's my line, you'll love this- 'aaaarrreegghhhaaarr!' I mean, I don't even know how to pronounce that! Aaregaregar? Aaaaaarrrggerger..."

Discord chuckled, spitting out the chewed muffin and holding it up for inspection. "They just don't respect us fey creatures anymore. You should see my part." He molded the soggy bit back onto the the rest of the pastry and put it back on the tray. "I'm a frickin' stone statue in the topiary! I'm in 7 or 8 scenes, but all I do is turn my head slowly to follow the other actors. I honestly don't even know what this movie's about..."

The P.A. boomed again, calling for a scene change. Discord looked down at his script. "Welp, this one's for me. I'll see you later." He started walking away, then turned and said, "I'm Discord, by the way."

"Clover!" the gangly monster rasped as the other backpedaled away. "Nice talking to you!" Discord disappeared around a wheeled wall with a wave. Absently, Clover watched a pony walk over and pick out a muffin from the table.

"Mmm! Raisins!" the pony said hungrily. Clover considered saying something, then just shrugged and loped off to find a chair.

(0-v-v-v-0)

Discord sighed on the inside. His left butt cheek itched, his claw and hoof were getting sore and all he really wanted was a neat of bourbon in his talons. All these itches, he thought. Where were you when I didn't have to stand perfectly still for minutes at a time?

Oh for the world on a silver platt...

"CUUUTTTT!!"

The director's voice rang shrilly in his ears, followed closely by that of his current lackey.

"5 minutes everypony! ...oh, and you, too, Discord..." This was followed by laughter all around the stage.

'Ha ha,' Discord thought, stepping off the podium. 'Go buck yourself...'

He twitched a finger and the coffee cup the lackey was holding in his magical grasp exploded in his face, yielding a scream of surprise from the suddenly wet unicorn.

"Oh dear!" Discord said and covered his mouth in mock surprise. He leaned against a nearby wall and watched as a few ponies surrounded the slightly scalded stallion in an attempt to help.

Quickly losing interest in the situation, he drifted his attention to the different goings-on of a nearby stage, where groups of earth ponies and pegasi were constructing a plywood tower, painted to look like stone. Several prop unicorns ran hither and thither, supporting weapons and armor in their personal fields, dodging around each other in well practiced precision.

All of this only held Discord's attention for a few moments before he once again grew bored. 'Being a near-eternal creature sucks sometimes,' he thought. Even with all the power he controlled, he still had to work for a living. When Princess Celestia's grand plans for him turned out to be nothing more than work as a glorified butler, he knew he had to act now or face eternal boredom.

After Fluttershy transitioned him from rogue to robot through the... ehh, 'magic of friendship' (gods, just thinking that made his skin crawl)... he had truly been ready to turn over a new leaf.

Maybe he'd just been fooling himself.

And then that hag Celestia had 'hired' him on at the castle. What a load of minotaur droppings that had been.

15 hours a day, waiting at the beck and call of two constantly cycling princesses, doing everything from cleaning out the privies to helping rebuild the castle gate every time Luna got drunk on dandelion whiskey. Oh sure, there were good points to the life at the beginning, when his friendship with Fluttershy was still blossoming and the princesses at least pretended to respect him. But then Fluttershy had stopped writing to him (he still didn't know why) and the princesses slowly gave up all pretense of being cordial.

It was then that he arranged his little "accident." Finding the magic lode-well in the castle's basement had been a serious stroke of luck, and the idea to use the Celestia's own pet as the catalyst had been pure genius on his part. And, woah! the way he'd convinced Celestia that he'd...

"Hey!"

The voice brought him out of his reverie, piercing into his skull and making him cringe. He turned to find the unicorn lackey striding up to him, almost foaming at the muzzle.

"Me?" Discord asked, looking over his shoulders and then pointing at himself. He noticed everypony else around the pair casually stopping their work to watch. Oh, how he LOVED an audience!

"Yeah, you! You spilled that coffee on me! I could have been hurt!"

Discord smiled. "And how could I have done that? I have no mag..."

"Don't bull me!" The unicorn was really fuming, now. "I know you did it!"

Ponies from other stages had now joined the crowd around them.

"You used your chaotic powers to loosen my grip on that cup, and I..."

"Sir, I suggest you lower your voice..."

"...why they even let you on this set, I can't comprehend!" The pony continued, not missing a beat.

"But my good sir, you know as well as I that I have no magic to use! I was stripped of all my power in a TERRIBLE accident! Even the gracious princess herself declared me powerless and fit for ..."

"Ugh!" The stallion stamped his hoof in disgust and turned abruptly away. He took a few steps then stopped and turned around. "Taints like you and that alien abomination over there shouldn't even be allowed across the border!" He pointed a hoof at Clover, who had just ambled up to the crowd. "Equestria's better without your kind!"

Discord's smile became a frown. "Excuse me?"

"You heard me! We. Don't. WANT. YOU. HERE."

"You might want to take that back." Discord said, quietly. Of everyone in the crowd, only he had the vantage point to see what was about to happen.

"Buck you, freak!"

Discord's sudden mood change was scary. The smile that blossomed on his face - his true, chaotic smile - appeared so quickly and without warning that the unicorn backed up a step, consternation flitting across his features.

"Well," he began, contempt dripping from his voice, "tell us how you really feel, Mr....?"

The lackey was suddenly, and quite understandably, nervous. "...it's uh, umm..." He somehow managed to rally his scattered emotions; Discord was actually surprised at how quickly the pony recovered in the face of his most unsettling smile. "I am Arrow Scribe, First Assistant to Director Chrysanthemum Baby!"

"Chrysanthe... wait wait wait." Discord turned to the older pony standing on the edge of the crowd, his face taking on a mask of evil joy. "You're Chrysanthemum Baby?"

The stallion nodded, smiling at the recognition.

"Wow!" Discord said, mirth exploding across his features, sarcasm dripping from his voice. "You directed Pan-stormers, right? And Pony Harbor? Damn!" The director visibly swelled with pride: and then Discord dropped the bomb. "Your movies SUCK! Now I get why this script blows!"

At that point, several things happened simultaneously: Baby's face grew dark, words rising to his sputtering lips; an enraged First Assistant took a step back, bringing a hoof up to cocked position; the crowd, already stupefied by the spectacle unfolding before them, took a collective gasp; and Clover, whom Discord had watched climb to the top of partially built tower, finally got the knot untied.

(0-v-v-v-0)

"Celestia? Cel?"

Luna's voice rang through the stone hallways and chambers, bouncing through the strange and conspicuous emptiness of the castle. Canterlot Keep was never truly empty, even in the wee hours of the morning. Guards roamed the halls banishing ne'er-do-wells and the cloparazzi, and the cleaning staff worked tirelessly from room to room, banishing (temporarily, at least) the ever-present dust-bunnies and silvernutes that plagued the ancient stonework.

At the very least, Celestia could usually be counted on to be up and about, seeing to any of number of things around the place.

"Cel?" She ventured one more time.

The lack of ponies - and especially her sister - was beginning to worry Luna; not something easy to do to a nearly ageless, extremely powerful creature such as herself.

She had just given up calling at Celestia's chambers when a low grating sound, hardly audible even in the silence, made her look up.

"...the frell is that?" she muttered, cocking her head to one side as she looked above the doorway. Adorning the curve of the arch was a frieze, carved so long ago that nopony alive remembered the artist. It depicted in intricate detail representations of ponies from all the tribes, gathered around in audience an unknown alicorn standing in the middle of a large room. As she watched, a circular inset of lazuli, representing the alicorn's cutie mark, rotated within its depression, tiny puffs of stone dust escaping around the edges.

Luna began backing slowly away, eyes glued to the wall, horn glowing softly.

(0-v-v-v-0)

Discord and Clover were running. They had no idea where to, but in the grand scheme of things, that didn't really matter. What they did have, however, was a very clear idea as to WHY they were running. Half a block back, six security guards were hoofing it after them, shouting inane commands to stop in the names of the princesses.

Discord ran swiftly, despite his cumbersome corporeal construction, legs moving at a blur and his face fixed into a broad, shit-eating grin. Beside him, loping along at an easy pace, Clover was wondering what, exactly, he'd gotten himself into.

The security ponies were slowly falling behind, and Discord fully intended them to stay there. With a glance back and a snap of his finger, he brought a lamp-post down on the first two, pounding the ponies flat to the ground; its comical, surreal bending was a stark contrast to the two blood-stains it left behind. The other four skidded to a sudden stop, cries of horror bleating from their heaving chests.

While Discord was slowing the pursuit, Clover had pulled a bit ahead and swung his huge bulk around a corner, hardly even slowing. In his mind, he knew he was, for lack of a better word, fucked. Helping get Discord out of the mess he'd created back at the studio had been a spur of the moment decision (and not entirely selfless - that asshole unicorn had it coming). Dropping that piece of plywood bulwark on the director and his assistant had caused the confusion they needed to get out of there, but the crowd had rebounded fairly quickly, sending the security guards off after them post haste. And now, he was fully involved in... well, whatever this was.

They were lucky, though; so far, there was no sign of the poli-

'Ah,' thought Clover as sirens arose in the distance, 'spoke too soon.'

Without slowing he bounded across the street and into an ally, clipping a garbage can with one foot and sending it rattling away, throwing its contents to the wind. Discord leapt it easily as he followed.

"Hahahahahahahaha! Did you SEE those suckers!? Oh great Gamera, this is the most fun I've had in...hell, over a thousand years!" Discord's face was lit up with glee, excitement oozing from him in an almost tangible wave.

"Well, I'm glad you're enjoying this," Clover said, diplomatically, "but do you have an escape plan, or are we just going to run through allies all day?"

Clover received a mirthful look in response. "Have faith, my new-found friend! Discord will provide!"

(0-v-v-v-0)