Monstrous Malfeasance

(0-v-v-v-0)

"Gosh."

On a sunny street corner in Applewood, a hopeful young mare stood starstruck, taking in the sights and sounds of the famed city of cinema. All the way from from Manehattan she'd come, her saddle bags her only luggage and her dreams her only companions. From afar she heard a siren sounding through the clear air, but ignored it completely as a gaggle of ponies rounded the opposite corner, laughing and talking loudly. She marveled for a moment at their care-free attitudes, wishing with all her might that she could be one of them.

'Some day,' she thought, blowing her mane out of her eyes.

She re-centered the bags across her back and started across the street, relishing the feel of the ground beneath her hooves. Sitting for so long on that darn Greyhorse bus had taken its toll and she was glad for the chance to stretch her legs. She even bounced a little as she trotted between the walkway lines.

Reaching the other sidewalk, she stood for a minute, looking back and forth down both sides of the block and trying to decide on the best course to take. Getting in a bit earlier than expected had been nice, and she'd decided to wander around a little before making her way to her cousin's house in the burro. She ultimately decided on the more direct course (it was harder to get lost going in a straight line, she figured), she bee-lined up the street, her head never stopping it's pendulum motion as she tried to take in everything around her.

The sun glinted off the corner of a billboard high above her head, a sudden intrusion into her walking daydream. A horrid creature from another world glared down at her, odd fleshy appendages on the end of one of its forelegs reaching out for her from a midnight black portal full of swirling shapes. Above it ran the words, 'THIS SUMMER'S BLOCKBUSTER HIT: EARTH ATTACKS!' She stared at the creature for a minute, thinking she might be seeing that terrible vision in her dreams tonight.

For Celestia's sake, she thought, it doesn't even have fur, just that oddly smooth hide like when Granny had to have hip surgery and they shaved her for it! And its face! Good gravy, it's flat, and with that weird half-evolved snout sticking out of the middle... and the mouth wasn't even part of it! And the way it stands there on only two legs, using its other forehoof with the disgusting twiddly bits to hold what looks like a super fancy hose nozzle with lights on it! What the deuce IS that thing!?

She shook herself, closing her eyes to the apparition above her, and walked on. Meanwhile, somewhere in the back of her mind, she once again noticed - and once again dismissed - the growing siren sounds from a few blocks off.

She passed a street-side stand selling apple-chata and tamales. With a quick glance back and a flurry of hooves, she back-peddled and wheeled around at the end of the line. She stood on the tips of her hooves and peeked over the shoulders of the ponies in front of her, excitement on her face. Real street-side Marexican food! What a treat!

A large, round bulletin board sat nearby, completely covered in random ads. Scraps of paper showcasing everything from used saddlebags to the latest in unicorn horn fashions fluttered in the light breeze. She idly looked them over as the line crept forward, hoof by hoof. Then, one near the bottom caught her eye.

"COME ONE COME ALL!" it read. "EXPERIENCE FOR YOURSELVES THE NEW AND IMPROVED FLIM FLAM BROTHERS' MAGICALLY MAJESTIC LIQUID LUCK EXTRACT! DOWN IN THE DUMPS? CHIN UP CHUMPS! ONE SIP CURES YOUR BLUES! TWO, YOUR MALADIES! THREE GIVES YOU THE WORLD ON A PLATTER, SERVED JUST HOW YOU LIKE IT! OUR FINE PATENTED BREW IS BACKED BY A 30 DAY GUARANTEE, SO DON'T DILLY-DALLY!"

In a tiny font at the bottom which she could just make out from where she stood was the crammed together line: "For a limited time only all offers final no returns no refunds any side effects are not our problem."

"Well, that just reeks of minotaur dung. Anypony falling for that is a right mule," she thought, shaking her head.

A voice suddenly blared into her ear, breaking her from her reverie.

"Order?!"

"What?" She turned, surprised at the sudden intrusion, and found herself at the head of the line.

"Order! Do you know what you want!?" the stallion behind the counter tapped his hooves impatiently as he stared at her before muttering "...frickin' out-a-towners..."

"Umm, er, a um..." she stammered, trying to get her head back straight. "Yes! I do! Umm... Order order order..." She glanced quickly at the sign again and picked the first two thing she saw. "An apple-chata and a sunflower tamale!" she blurted out. She then added a meek "please" as an afterthought.

"Creeper 'n a jumper!" he yelled back to the cook, who glanced up and said, "Yeah yeah, I heard it...you ain't gotsta yell."

The sales-stallion gave him a look and then turned back and barked, "12 bits!"

"12 bits?! For that? Bu... wha... that... that's daylight robbery!" she sputtered, taken aback.

"You want it, pay for it, you don't want it, walk away 'n I'll give it to the next person. What's it gonna be?" He started tapping his hooves again.

"...fine." She sighed. "Take it." She hoofed over the bits and got the food in return, giving the stallion a dirty look before turning and walking away.

"What, no tip?" he yelled after her. She turned and gave him a gesture that only a Manehattanite could truly pull off. He just grinned back at her, then blatantly looked her up and down.

"Dirt-bag..." she said, flicking her tail and trotting away to find a place to sit.

A nearby park provided just that, so she hopped up on a bench and began unwrapping her fare, still heedless of the sirens that were now just down the block.

A more observant pony would have noted that the sirens didn't sound like they were following anything. That they were searching, unsure of where they were supposed to be chasing off to. A more observant pony would have been worried about that...

(0-v-v-v-0)

"Discord."

The two were running. They threaded their way blindly through alleys and side streets, dimly aware of the growing cacophony of screams and sirens that marked their passage.

"Discord!"

Only twice so far they'd been spotted since his little trick with the security ponies, and Discord was having a blast with this little cat-and-mouse game they had goi...

"DISCORD!"

Clover's yell finally caught his attention, and he spun on the spot, stopping his forward momentum much too quickly for someone his size. "Yes?" he asked pleasantly, suddenly sitting in an armchair and calmly smoking a pipe. Clover had to jump to keep from running into him. Though he cleared him easily, he still turned and scowled at the demi-god.

"Was that necessary?" Clover growled.

"Was what necessary?" Discord asked innocently.

"...nevermind. Just... do you have a plan? Really?"

"Of course I..." he caught Clover's look and grinned sheepishly, then finished lamely, "...don't have a plan."

"So... what, we're just gonna run in circles around the entire city until we get caught?"

"Caught?!" Discord laughed over a martini. "My good monster, we won't be caught! I just... haven't thought through the rest of the escape."

"No shit," Clover huffed, receiving a look from the draconequus.

"Listen. Do you hear that?" Discord gestured at the sirens back the way they'd come, sounding a little ticked. "Do you know what that sound means?"

"Hmm, prison time, maybe?" Clover answered sardonically.

"No. No, my friend. That... that is sound of chaos..." Discord suddenly seemed larger, and the alley around them darkened as all the ambient light seemed to be pulled into his growing form.

Clover began backing up. "Umm..." He watched as the light coalesced into flame, wreathing Discord in an almost tangible aura. Clover thought he could hear distant sounds of manic laughter and the screaming of tortured voices. "Fuck me..." he muttered, swallowing with a suddenly dry throat.

Then, before he could as much as blink, it was gone. Discord was back in his chair, re-lighting his pipe and smiling. The light had returned, the demi-god was back to normal size, and the strange fire and unworldly sounds had disappeared as quickly as they had come.

"Of course, that isn't the sound of true chaos," Discord continued, "- that would probably pop your ear drums and cause aneurysms within seconds - but it IS a good start..." He got up and stretched, popping the pipe into his mouth and cracking his neck as he did. The chair, in the meantime, shrank until it disappeared.

"Sooooo, no plan then," the monster reiterated. Discord nodded; Clover just shrugged. "Can you... can you at least warn me before you do that again?"

Discord grinned, a rogue tooth popping free of his lips. "Sure. I just wanted to show you that just because one does not have a plan... does not mean that one is not prepared."

"O...kay. Well." Clover turned around. "Shall we start running again?"

Discord's grin grew. "Ah ah ah, my friend," he spread his arms wide, "why run when you can fly?"

Clover turned around, suddenly wary. "What? What do you meeeeeeeaahhhSHHIIIIIIII...!!"

(0-v-v-v-0)

A pleased burp and a smile to match it played across her lips as she leaned back into the bench. She patted her stomach, then put a hoof through her mane, scratching idly as she let the food settle. It might have been expensive, but damn it was good...

She stretched out on the bench, feeling the warm sun on her coat. Sleep began to slowly overtake her, and with a weak will she tried to fight it. It was an uphill battle, however, and sleep eventually won out. She slumped against the backrest, her body melting into the bench as she let go of all the tension of a two day bus ride. Her pack slid slowly to her side as gentle snores took to the air.

Around her, nestled as she was in the secluded little park, the city of Applewood went about its daily business. It was a city built of big dreams, big productions and even bigger egos. A home to ponies of all backgrounds, callings and trots of life: gold-diggers, cradle-robbers, opportunists and snake-oil salesponies (some taking that quite literally); robbers, pick-pockets, lifers, scam-artists and - worst of all - actors. Down-on-their-luck, looking-for-their-big-break, take-any-job-they-can actors.

One such pony sat peering out from a bush some 20 yards from the tired mare, watching her fall asleep and planning out his angle of attack. He approached slowly, hoof tips whispering through the grass; then, with a zip, he was crouched behind the bench, listening to the rhythm of her breathing and awaiting his moment. As her quiet snores evened out, he peeked over the backrest and eyeballed her saddlebags. They'd slid off her back as she lay there, and were now in easy reach of his hooves.

A faint whistling sound gave him pause, and for a moment he looked nervously around for its source. As he backed up to get a better view around himself, the high pitched whistle became a scream, and then a voice, growing steadily louder and louder by the second. The unfortunate actor took to spinning in circles, frantically searching for the ghost sound, but...

Like most city ponies, raised to assess their planar surroundings, he never thought to look up.

"...IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTT!!"

There was a THUD accompanied by a simultaneous SPLAT, followed by a mumbled "uuuurrrggh..."

Clover rolled over and sat up, rubbing his temple and grimacing. In a small voice he said, "...I hate you Discord. I hate you so much..."

With a pop, the demi-god appeared beside him, dressed in a captain's uniform. "Oh, c'mon, you're telling me being slingshot halfway across town ISN'T fun?!" The manic grin on his face seemed to almost split his head in half. "Anyways... where was I..." he pulled a clipboard from underneath his hat and pursed his lips as he perused it. "...landing...docking...post-landing check...ah yes, here! Ahem!" He stood up and straightened his tie. "Thank you for flying Draconequus Airlines, where your comfort comes second to our profit margin! Please exit to the le..."

A sudden "EEP!" cut him short, and both monster and trickster turned to find a freckled face fearfully watching them over the top of a bench.

"Oh my..." Discord said, his grin spreading even wider. It grew until the top of his head did in fact come fully free, and it began floating an inch above his bottom jaw, his tongue waggling obscenely in the air.

"And who do we have here?! Hmmmm!?" he crowed, his head coming back together with an audible snap. He slithered over and underneath the bench, then rose until he was level with the mare on her side. She "eeped!" again and began stammering as he stared at her.

"I-I-I-I uhh..."

"Oh? You don't say!" He looked at her askance, then said, "...griffon got your tongue?"

She gasped as he leaned closer, then sucked in a breath said in a rush, "NoIdon'tknowpleasedon'thurtme!" She took in another breath and followed with, "OhCelestiaIknowwhoyouare, Idon'twannabeturnedintoamule, pleeeeeeease!"

Discord sighed and turned to Clover. "Do you see? Do you see what I have to put up with? Ponies judge me before they've even met me!" He turned back to the trembling pony. "I'm actually a really nice guy! Seriously!"

To prove his claim, he reached behind his head and pulled an apple from the air.

"Here, a gesture of good faith..." he said, handing it to her.

She clamped her mouth shut and pressed herself as far back into the bench as she could.

"No? Ah well, let not the good go to bad, I always say!" He took a bite from the apple and grimaced, then threw it into the bushes nearby. "Ugh, a gala apple... I've never liked galas, did you know that?" She silently shook her head, her eyes somehow widening even more. "No, I suppose you wouldn't." He sighed and looked over her shoulder and waved his claw in the air. "Too... frou-frou for my tastes. I've always been more of a fuji kinda' spirit..."

"Discord," Clover said, breaking his concentration. "Maybe you should wrap this up?" He nodded towards the street, where the sound of sirens was growing ever louder.

Discord glanced over and made a mock show of being taken aback. His voice adopted a snotty, feminine quality and he said, "Clover! I say... you're positively FILTHY! It would be ever so grand if you would clean yourself up, dahling..."

Looking down, Clover frowned at the blood that was splattered across his legs and stomach. "Shit," he muttered, climbing to his feet. Where he'd landed but a minute ago now was a shallow depression, newly made and decorated with the latest in fashion of pony confetti. There wasn't much left of the pony in question, but by some twist of fate and irony, and possibly to confirm that, yes, the universe does indeed have a sense of humor, Clover could still make out the colt's cutie mark; it was a pancake.

Discord laughed and shook his head, "If only Rarity were here. Then again, maybe not; she won't even TOUCH blood unless it's imported! Never fear, my good Clove. The Discord abides..." With a snap of his tail, the blood smear disappeared, leaving Clover sparkling in the sunlight. "Now, onto more pressing matters..."

Without looking back, he snapped up the young mare as she was edging away from him on the bench. He floated her along beside him, her saddle bags dragging listlessly in the dirt, as he made his way towards a nearby pond. He stopped at the edge and pondered a moment, ignoring the whimpers coming from behind him. Then, with a wiggle of his fingers, he formed the gently moving water into a flowing staircase, which he began to climb with careful steps. At the top, he conjured a seat for the mare and sat himself on the top step, floating ever so lightly on its liquid surface. Clover sat on the edge of the pond and stared hungrily at the ducks that had moved to the far end.

Discord frowned at the ducks, then turned back to the mare with a smile. "Now, we can at least be civil about this, yes?"

She nodded, looking even more frightened as she glanced down at the water below.

"Okay, that's promising." Discord paused in thought again, his tooth doing a little flip in consternation. "First things first: you know me, this is my friend Clover (bit of a silly name, isn't it?), and you are...?"

Her voice came out a whisper, "bbsee..."

"Excuse me?"

"Bbsee..."

"One more time?"

"Babsee," she said, slightly louder.

"Bad See? That's... an odd name, I must admit." Discord cocked his head.

"My name is Babs. Babs Seed..." She looked him in the eye. "Are... are you gonna turn me into a... mule?" she asked, her lower lip shaking with the effort of holding back tears.

"Babs. Babs," he said, mouthing the name. "I like it. Babs Seed." He nodded his head. "Yes, a good name, that. And, no," he said, looking down at her, "I'm not going to turn you into a mule... At least, not right away..."

Again, he looked away, toward the distant horizon that could be seen piece-mealed through the downtown buildings. He chewed his lower lip, momentarily lost in thought, and completely ignored the sirens that now sounded in the park entrance. Then, he turned back.

"You see Babs, I... I need something from you, something that I alone do not have - CAN not have, in fact - and of which my friend here is completely unaware." Clover gave him a look, confused at first, that transformed into one of ticked off impatience. Babs looked at him with a complete lack of understanding. "Oh, don't blame him, my dear, he's... from another world and, frankly, does not understand how Equestria works at its base level."

Before he could expound, all three turned at the sounds of hoofbeats and clanking. They watched as a gaggle of ponies dressed in blue came running down the path, one running with his mouth in an "o" and making a rising and falling siren sound. He kept it up until one of the other ponies finally smacked him. Clover turned and squared up, ready to start tossing ponies like barrels down an incline, but just as the first came at him and he rared back to ground-pound... he kept on going. He tumbled over backward as the ground between the edge of the pond and the approaching ponies erupted in a writhing mass of eldritch vines that stretched the pond's circumference. Unable to stop himself, Clover rolled all the way back into the water, spurting as he surfaced.

As the dust settled and the final airborne clods of dirt bounced into the grass, the ducks quacked their indignation at all the commotion and went back to randomly shoving their heads in the water.

"Ah, yes. Can't be bothered just yet, can we?" Discord said, turning to Babs. He leaned over to watch Clover rising on a magically-propelled jet of water, blowing sprays of mist from the air sacs on his head. "So sorry," he said, "didn't mean to surprise you like that. Comfortable?" Clover just gave him a nod and another irritated look, then turned away to stare at the living wall.

"Wha-what did you mean..." Babs began quietly, and Discord looked over. "What did you mean when you said he's from another world?" She nodded in Clover's direction, the fear on her face now underlined with curiosity.

"Well, Clover here... is... ah, how to put this," he waved his paw in the air, "...he's what you might call an alien, although that term may not be one you're familiar wi..."

Babs was looking at him blankly.

"As I thought. Not alien, then." Discord leaned over to Clover, who was again staring at him. He tried another route. "This is a world completely unto itself, you see. One planet out of an oodleplex of oodleplexes, whi..."

Now Clover was giving him a blank look. Discord sighed and rubbed his temples.

"Oookaaay. Square one." He thought for a moment, looking back and forth between his two unwitting students. "This planet exists. Fact?" He looked into their eyes, awaiting a response. Babs glanced over at Clover, then timidly raised a hoof. "Yes?" Discord asked, pleased that at least one of them was trying.

"Umm..." She fidgeted on her chair. "What's a planet?"

Not for the first time since he was brought back from existence as a statue (this time, at least), Discord marveled at the ignorance of these damned technicolor ponies and mourned his fate that he had been forced to live amongst them. He mentally face-palmed and then collected himself.

"Okay, back to square one. Again. Where you live is..."

A rock sailed out of the blue and hit him on the head.

"The fuck, man!" Discord stood up, glaring out past the vines. "Alright, which one of you ass-hats threw that?!"

"Give up, Discord! We know you're in there! We've got you surrounded!" A voice answered.

"Well, duh! Of course you know I'm in here! You saw me raise the wall!" he yelled back, then muttered. "Frickin' idiots..."

"Yeah, well..." there was a susurration of whispers and low talking, and then a different voice said, "Look, the Elements are on their way, we all know how this is going to end, so why don't you just drop the wall, come on out and let your hostages go? We'll be nice! Well, mostly..."

Discord looked at Clover with a smirk and mouthed, 'they think you're a hostage?!' He shook his head and said, "How dumb do they think I am? There's no way they could've got a hold of those six this quickly. It's not like they have phones or, hell, even telegraph wires..."

Babs and Clover just gave him blank stares. Discord just shook his head.

The voice from the other side spoke up, as if reading Discord's thoughts. "And yes, they are actually on their way. The Applewood police department has a dragon in its ranks!" The speaker sounded slightly proud of that little fact.

"Ooh, damn." Discord nodded. "Yup. Got me with that. Thrice damned dragon magic! It's the one thing I haven't been able to figure out on this Gamera-damned world!" he said, mostly to himself.

Clover and Babs were eyeballing him again, clearly not keeping up.

"Dragon magic!" he said, slightly exasperated. "Direct link straight to the princess..." His eyes grew wide. "And with Celestia out of the way, it would have defaulted to Luna, who's probably pissed at me for... which means... whoop! Change of plans! We are officially getting out of here!"

"What!? Discord, what are you..." SPLASH. Clover pulled himself out of the muck-filled edge of the pond where he'd fallen when he stood up and off the water jet. He looked around for Discord, spotting him skipping down the disappearing steps with Babs firmly in his grasp. He opened his mouth to speak, but Discord just reached down and planted him firmly on his feet, saying, "No time. We are moving. NOW."

The command in his tone was such that Clover could not even think of disobeying. Discord lifted the bulk of the pond into battering ram shape, and positioned it near the vines.

"When I say go, start running. I'm going to lower the vines in that section, use the water to clear our path, and then..." That's as far as he got before a streak of rainbow colors knocked him on his ass. His lost his hold on both the water and Babs, sending them falling to the grass.

"Think again, Dick-cord!" a snide voice said from off to the side. Clover looked over and took in the multihued pony standing before him, chest puffed out and a cocky smile on her face.

"Rainbow Dash!" Babs breathed, relief washing over features.

A flash of purple light bloomed just to the mare's left, and suddenly there were five more ponies standing there, legs akimbo and ready for anything. Clover just gaped in confusion.

A purple pony wearing a crown and sporting both wings and a horn stepped forward and said, "No more do-overs, Discord! This time is final!"

As the ponies moved into positions, Babs looked up and squealed, "Cuz!"

An orange pony in the back, wearing a hat and suddenly looking very surprised, stepped to the side and yelled, "Babs!? What the hay are y'all doing here?" She turned to Discord, rage blooming on her face. "What have you done to her, you... you monster!?"

"Ah ha," Discord said meekly, then pointed at Clover. "No, see, HE'S the monster. I'm just a demi-god." Even facing defeat he couldn't help but be flippant.

"Enough! This ends here, Discord!" the purple one said, her wings flaring to the sides as she reached out with her magic and picked up both Clover and Babs. She floated them closer to the group, and a pale yellow pony with wings ran up to them, saying, "Hush, you poor dears. You'll be okay, you're safe now."

The multi-colored one moved over to the others as they arranged themselves into a circle. Discord sighed and slumped his shoulders. "Well, it was a good run." His voice dropped and he said with a hint of hope in his voice, "Maybe they'll actually kill me this time..."

The winged pony next to Clover had tears in her eyes. She turned towards the demi-god and said softly, "I'm so sorry, Discord..."

Discord just nodded to her as she closed ranks with the others.

Clover couldn't believe it. More had happened in the last 30 seconds than he could actually keep up with, and he found himself growing more and more confused by the second. All he really knew was that these six ponies were going to hurt - maybe even kill? - the only other being who'd ever been nice to him in this world. He watched as a strange light began to grow around them, connecting them to each other as they were lifted into the air. Discord gave him a small smile, then mouthed one word to him; 'sorry.'

And in an instant, like a curtain being opened and light being let into a long-dark room, Clover knew he had to do something.

He looked around the ground by his feet for something to throw. Nothing. Not even a rock spoiled the grass in this perfect little world where only ponies were truly accepted. He suddenly hated this world; hated everything it represented. With a roar, he bounded to his feet and rushed the six ponies. Through the descending haze, he managed to focus on the purple one with the crown. Even he knew that a crown signified importance, and that somehow, if he could reach her before they did whatever they were going do, he might be able to stop it.

He might be able to save Discord.

As he ran up behind the purple pony, the energies from the other five connected into a ring and began fervently funneling into her, the auras around each pony pulsing with untold power. The air around them darkened as ambient light was drawn into the brewing conflagration. He clasped his claws into a double fist, raising them over his head.

Then he entered the magic field.

Time slowed around him. His vision grew dark as the very light waves were bent out of shape. He watched magical discharges spark off his skin with all the speed of a rising sun. He watched, desperation welling up inside of him, as the magical energy began to arc forth from the crown on the pony's head, gaining speed even as he slowed down.

Then, with a pop, time reverted itself.

A rainbow-colored lance leapt out into the suddenly bright day, the six ponies at its nexus fully caught up in its surge. At the same time, Clover's hands came down on the crowned head, snapping the jeweled tip off and driving the pony to the ground. As the purple pony crumpled before him, the suddenly unfocused magical energy snapped back, nowhere to go but to retrace its paths back to the sources. As one, the other five ponies cried out in pain as the unspent power exploded into them, crackling off their coats and arcing back and forth from node to node. With a final, reality-rending shriek of raw, elemental fury, the five Bearers turned to ash, their necklaces falling to the soft earth below.

As the last traces of magical energy boiled away into the afternoon light, Babs began to scream.