Canterlot Tales

Chapter 3: Rarity’s Tale

“There were two families of noble unicorns that had a long standing alliance. One was a family of savvy business ponies who had collected an estate large enough to warrant standing in the lower court, and as was always the case with families such as those, their singular goal was to move swiftly to the high court of Canterlot,” Rarity explained.

“Wait, what?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“Well a family’s standing in the court was determined by the wealth of their estate, be it in bits, which was rarely the case in those days, or land, or by commission in the military, or by grant of royal decree,” Rarity replied.

“Uh, okay,” Rainbow Dash said. “So what about the hat?”

“Well I have just started the story, do you expect me to talk about the late classical age of Equestria and not give some context?” Rarity said.

“Fine, fine, so, rich ponies, trying to move up in the world?” Rainbow Dash summed up.

“Something to that effect, yes,” Rarity said. “Anyway, as I was saying they were working tirelessly to increase their estate and gain a standing in the upper court. Around this time the other family, which was a family of unicorns with powerful magic who had been raised into the lower court by royal decree, had a stallion who was sole heir to the family estate, and who had just finished his time at the magical academy and had returned home. When the family of business ponies heard that an eligible young unicorn mage was back at court, they knew just how to improve their estate. They would get the unicorn mage to marry one of the young mares of their family and through marriage combine the estates and move quickly into the upper court, while the mage busied himself with books and potions and such.

They thought it was going to be a simple matter. They had three beautiful young mares of marrying age in their family at the time: Diamond Diadem, Ruby Ring, and Sapphire Circlet.”

“Such pretty names,” Derpy said.

“Indeed, they were said to be the most beautiful mares in the lower court,” Rarity said. “The young stallion was called Oaken Wand-”

“Wait, Oaken Wand? The wizard who definitively defined the divination school of magic? But that can’t be right he was alive in the middle classical age, and he never married,” Twilight said.

“Well, Twilight dear, this is a fable, you must not get hung up on things like that. Just let me tell the story as I’ve heard it,” Rarity said.

“I’m still waiting to hear about this hat,” Rainbow Dash said.

“Dash, she’s spinning a yarn, let her get along with it. You got something better to do?” Applejack said.

Rainbow Dash groaned and flopped on her back. “Fine, sorry.”

“Now if I could please continue without interruptions,” Rarity said. “The family of business ponies sent a handmaid to Oaken Wand on the eve of a party to deliver an invitation and to tell him that Diamond Diadem had expressed her love for him, and if he asked, she would likely marry him. Oaken Wand was skeptical, because he hadn’t seen any of the girls since before he left for the magical academy, and being the sole heir to his family’s estate he knew he was a very desirous catch. But he accepted the invitation and told the hand maid he would be there. That night he couldn’t shake the feeling that something was odd about the invitation, so he went into his study and found a project he had worked on at the academy: a metal band that could be placed on the head, and when done so, would force the pony wearing it to only tell the truth. Now, it was a plain metal thing, created as an experiment. He couldn’t just toss it on Diamond Diadem’s head. So on his way to the party he went to a milliner and found a beautiful hat and had the ring sewed into the lining of it. Now, Rainbow Dash, since you were so interested in the hat I will describe it, in detail.”

Without getting up off her back, Rainbow Dash said “I regret everything I have ever said.”

“The hats in the late classical era were exceedingly elaborate things, very tall and most of them needed wooden or even metal supports. They obviously changed from season to season, and with an accurate description of a hat you could almost pinpoint the very month such a design was in vogue. I believe some of the older fashion houses in Canterlot have a record of every season’s trends going back to the early classical era. As I’ve always heard it this all took place in the spring, and the in thing that season was avian designs. Oaken Wand bought a hat fashioned to look like a snowy owl perched in a nest, which sounds like a dreadful thing to wear, but such were the times,” Rarity said. “The next day he arrived at the party and was greeted by Diamond Diadem. He presented her with the hat and asked if she would honor him by wearing it that evening. Diamond Diadem had been told by her family to do anything it took to win Oaken Wand’s favor, so of course she agreed. She went upstairs and her maids helped her into the hat.”

“Wait, she needed help putting on a hat?” Applejack asked.

“Oh good heavens yes, the hat she had picked out for the evening would have likely had twelve or more clasps that needed to be undone, and then the hat had to be lifted off the head, which considering the weight would require help, and then her mane would need to be restyled to fit the hat Oaken Wand had brought her. She was away from the party for half an hour, during which time Oaken Wand talked with the girls’ handmaid,” Rarity explained. “Now, she was not a noble pony, simply a nice young mare employed by the family. Her name was Dew Drop, and she had been told that if she helped ensure the marriage of Oaken Wand to one of the girls she and her family would be secure for life. She had no taste for deception, but she wanted what was best for her family. So as she talked to Oaken Wand she tried her best to make Diamond Diadem sound appealing, despite the fact that she was a pony given to gossip and flirting and little else.

Finally Diamond Diadem returned to the party. Oaken Wand asked her if she would like to take a walk through the garden and she accepted.

As they walked he asked her how she was enjoying the evening.

She said it was dreadfully boring. Which wasn’t at all what she meant to say, but before she could correct herself Oaken Wand asked her what would make it more interesting. She replied that it would be much more fun if Silver Laurel’s tarted up trollop fell into the fountain. At this point she was shocked she had said such a thing out loud.

Oaken Wand asked how she knew Silver Laurel and Diamond Diadem replied that she had been lifting her tail for him off and on for years.”

The compartment broke out into giggles and full-on laughter from Rainbow Dash, though a few were blushing as well.

“Well I’m sure you can imagine that Diamond Diadem was mortified. She went red in the face like no pony Oaken Wand had ever seen, then bolted from the garden. As she was running through the ballroom her father asked her what was wrong and she yelled out without stopping that she simply couldn’t stop talking about sex,” Rarity said. “Oaken Wand now had no desire to marry Diamond Diadem, so he asked Dew Drop if she would be so kind as to have her lady return the hat.

The next day Dew Drop brought the hat back to Oaken Wand, as well as an invitation from Ruby Ring to join her at the premiere of Beethooven’s fourth symphony in a week’s time.”

Octavia let out a sigh. “I think I would be willing to marry the most unpalatable pony for the chance to hear the premiere of one of Beethooven’s symphonies,” she said.

“Oh I know what you mean,” Rarity said. “I would do some practically unladylike things to get my hooves on the trousseau of a late classical era courtier.”

“And what unladylike things have you done to get your hooves on a dress?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“Rainbow Dash, don’t be crude. I am in the middle of a story,” Rarity said quickly. “So Oaken Wand decided to take the magical ring out of the hat he had bought and have it put on the inner lining of a fabulous tiara. The morning of the premier he had a servant send it over to Ruby Ring’s home with a note requesting that she wear it that night when they met. She had been given the same orders by her family to secure his hand in marriage at any cost, so she obliged. They met at the concert hall, and said little during the performance. When it was over, Oaken Wand offered to walk her home. On the way home, he began to question her.

He asked what she thought of the symphony, and she said she found music to be terribly dull.”

Octavia gave an indignant huff.

“Then he asked her if she enjoyed spending time with him more than listening to music, and she said only a little bit. She couldn’t believe the things coming out of her mouth, but before she could figure out what was the matter, he asked her what she would rather be doing right then. She told him she’d rather be laying in bed sipping a Pavillon Rouge du Chateau Mareguax while her chamberlain licked honey off the inside of her flanks.”

There was another round of laughs, except Fluttershy, who stood up and muttered something about the little filly’s room and ran out the door.

“Now what was that about?” asked Applejack.

“Oh she doesn’t take well to this kind of talk, but usually when it comes up we’re at the spa and she’s too wrapped up in seaweed to run away,” Rarity said with a chuckle.

Applejack gave her a glare, which Rarity caught sight of. “Well I don’t do it to be cruel, but the girl has to get used to it someday or how is she ever going to manage? These things come up.”

“I don’t know if she’s going to change, she’s been like this since school. Any sort of locker room talk, even just,” Rainbow searched for a word. “You know, body stuff, couldn't take it.”

“Well that’s neither here nor there. We shouldn't be gossiping behind her back like this,” Rarity said. “I’ll continue. So Ruby Ring had just spilled her secret in front of Oaken Wand; she tore off the tiara galloped away, evening gown and all, down the streets of Canterlot. When she got home, being able to lie again, she said that he hadn’t taken a liking to her, and shut herself up in her chambers.

All they had left was Sapphire Circlet. Now, Diamond Diadem and Ruby Ring being older had the right to try their hoof at getting a husband first, but in truth Sapphire Circlet was probably always the best choice. She was the youngest, but she was quite good at magic and was sharp as a whip.

So once again, Dew Drop was sent to Oaken Wand’s house with an invitation to join Sapphire Circlet for lunch the next week. Oaken Wand took the magical ring out of the tiara and put it in a lovely day hat meant to keep the sun off one’s face. He sent the hat along with his acceptance and requested she wear it at their luncheon.

Now, Oaken Wand had become quite confident in his methods, be he was not expecting to come up against a skilled mare like Sapphire Circlet. When she received the hat she remember that Oaken Wand had sent a hat to each of her sisters before meeting them. She used her magic locate the magical ring inside the hat, and after some experimentation, realized what it did.

So, on the day of her luncheon she arrived at the restaurant, wearing the hat Oaken Wand had sent her, and carrying a box. Inside was a dashing hat for Oaken Wand with a feathered plume. She told him it was her way of saying thank you for the hat he had sent her.

They sat down to lunch and began talking. Oaken Wand began quizzing her, hoping to hear her reveal some terrible secret, but she gave polite, appropriate responses to all of his questions. Encouraged, he stopped asking direct questions and the two began talking about other things. Eventually the conversation turned to him.

Sapphire Circlet asked him if he was enjoying his time now that he was out of the Academy. He replied that being at court was much more boring than real academic work. She then asked if he had any plans to get married soon, to which he replied he was trying his very best to avoid getting tricked into marrying somepony who didn’t love him. At this point he realized he hadn’t intended to say those things. He tried to take his hat off, but found he couldn’t. Sapphire Circlet then explained that she had added an extra enchantment to his magical ring, and it wouldn’t come off without the right command word.

Oaken Wand was furious, both with her and with himself for being careless. Sapphire Circlet then said that she had no intention of marrying him, regardless of what her family wanted, and that she would send a servant to him in a month with the command word.

Oaken Wand spent the next month holed up in his manor, speaking to nopony at all. Finally after a month Sapphire Circlet sent Dew Drop to him with the command word. At this point she had learned from her mistresses the effects of the hat, and knew that she could ask Oaken Wand anything and he would tell the truth.

So she asked him if he had loved any of the girls, to which he replied he didn’t. Then she asked if he ever had any intention of marrying them. And he replied that he hadn’t intended to marry them whatever they said. He demanded she give him the command word, but she refused. She asked him a final question: Why did you do it? And he said he didn’t really know.

‘I know you’re telling the truth,’ she said. ‘But I think I know why you did it. Nopony likes the fact that courtship is fraught with such hardship, that you could end up giving your heart to somepony who doesn’t love you back. But if everypony had a hat like yours, how many happy couples do you think there would be?’

Well Oaken Wand was quite taken aback. Dew Drop left him the letter with the command word and saw herself out. He wasn’t seen about town or court for many weeks after, until one day he arrived at the home of the family of business ponies. They were ecstatic to see him, hoping that he would give their daughters another chance, but he simply asked to see Dew Drop. She was summoned, and when she arrived she saw that he was still wearing the magical hat. They stepped outside, and there Oaken Wand told her that what she had said to him was one of the most insightful things he had ever heard, and what he wanted most was to get to know the pony who already knew him so well. And with that he said the command word and removed the hat.

‘But,’ he said. ‘I would like to get to know you properly.’

And so he began courting her, which was a tad scandalous given that she was a maid, but the ponies at court just chalked it up to the eccentricities of academics, and several years later they were married.”

The other ponies in the compartment stomped in approval as Rarity finished the story.

“Well, I’m not sure much of that is true, but it is a good story,” Twilight admitted.

“Yeah, not bad for a story about a hat,” Rainbow Dash said.

“It actually reminded me of the story of how Beethooven wrote his first symphony,” Octavia said.

“Well why don’t you tell us that,” Applejack suggested.

Octavia went red in the face. “Oh I don’t think I have the nerve, it’s, well, a little racey.”

“Well darling we’re all adults here, and Fluttershy still isn’t back. This is probably the best time. Go on, tell it,” Rarity insisted.

“Besides, it’s a frumpy old composer, what could be that racey about it?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“Well before he was the frumpy old pony you see in the portraits, he was a rather handsome young stallion in Canterlot, at least the sources say so,” Octavia explained.

“Oh please, please! Tell it please! I never get to hear Rarity’s saucy stories at the spa,” Pinkie Pie begged.

“Well you can’t sit still in a mud bath for two minutes, so that is simply not my fault,” Rarity replied.

“Alright everypony, just, give me a second,” Octavia said. She cleared her throat and breathed slowly, obviously psyching herself up. “Okay, well, this story takes place a few years before Rarity’s.”