Hello everypony!

Discord here, master of chaos, yadda yadda yadda...

I come to you all today because it has finally happened! Today Discord's blog gets 1000 views!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Naturally it is all because of how awesome I am, which comes as no surprise of course, because Discord is Ancient Equestrian for awesome. True, it was meant more in the sense of one who inspires awe as opposed to the modern use of the word which is more a way of saying how cool or great or hip I am, yo!

Besides the point. If you read this and there are less than 1000 views of Discord's Awesome Blog of Awesomeness, as this shall henceforth be known, then I am sorry to inform you that this is the past, and you have travelled backwards in time. Just sit perfectly still until this does hit 1000 views and you should avoid destroying the universe. Seriously. Don't move....

Okay, hopefully you followed my advice, because if you didn't, the universe was just destroyed. Of course, if the universe was destroyed, than you can't be reading this part of my blog anyways, so... you better not be reading ahead. Not cool bro, not cool. Yeah, I'm talking to you. No, not you, you.

Oh, didn't you know I can see you? I thought you might have noticed how every so often a letter of my documents has eyes. But don't worry, Discord just likes to watch, he doesn't tell... except for you, please put on some pants, HUMAC, you are creeping the great Discord out.

So where was I? Oh, yeah, 1000 views. I will say in advance that only about half of those 1000 are my army of zombified followers reading my greatness over and over. (They won't stop eating beans!) (If you have no idea what I am talking about, read my last entry, become a zombie, and then do my will getting me the last few views I need for 1000!) Of course, if you are here and there are still not 1000 views of my story, then that means you did read ahead from the past and you are trying to destroy the universe. Still not cool bro. You deserve to be a zombie.

So, let me think. Oh, things and stuff have been happening! First, old stuff, then new stuff, then any questions that were not covered through old stuff or new stuff!

Okay, so old stuff. I was just minding my own business a few weeks back, when I get this message, pinned to the shirt of a drooling moron who got put on my doorstep. Which is strange, as I have an unlisted address, and live in a shoebox in the middle of the road. It does not have a door. Not a doorstep.

Anyways, the note was also put in my comments/inbox, so I will include it here for posterity:

"Discord, I want you to meet a friend of mine, one who loves chaos just as much as you! AND he has reality-bending powers, too! JANEMBA!"

There was an internet link attached to it, but it just went to a page with a little HUMAC in a hard hat shrugging by a hole in the ground. I think he must be some kind of powerful HUMAC relic, cause unlike on the Equestrian internets, my chaos didn't seem to make him catch on fire, at all! I know, right? What is up with that? Crazy HUMAC magic...

So, yeah, the letter continued...

"Of course, he's a little on the stupid side, so...he MIGHT end up blowing something up randomly. If this happens, insult him. His weakness is insults. Yes, I know, it's weird. Depending upon how badly he takes the insult, he takes even more damage. Just insult him when he's bad, and you should be fine. By the way, he also might end up opening a gate to Hell due to his mere presence. And by hell, I do NOT mean Tartarus. That is simply a set of subterranean tunnels filled with heartless creatures. What I'm talking about is the hell. Like, where evil people go when they kick the bucket Hell. If this happens, do not worry. Disciplinary action should result in closing of the portal, and if that fails, a combination of your own powers and the Elements of Harmony (as grotesque as it sounds) should do the trick. If that don't work, THROW THE SUN AT IT!

"And you have absolutely NO say in accepting him. He is to be in your care for two weeks, while I prepare a proper magical seal for him. If you don't want to care for him after, then I shall take him back and find another place to raise him. But until then, I'm going to need you to watch him. It's not exactly EASY to make a magical seal and tend to a demon that bends reality who has the mentality of a four-year old.

"Here is a link to all of Janemba's abilities, so you know what to expect."

Okay, first off, SwimmingDalek98, not cool bro, not cool. I am chaos. Read my words carefully. I. AM. NOT. A. BABY. SITTER. or is it BABYSITTER?.

Well one involves sitting on a baby I assume. That is the one I want. To do. Not the one I don't want to do.

Okay, to the next point. I, Discord, the great and awesome, have NO SAY in this? You think you can just boss around Discord? Nope! Ain't gonna happen!

I mean, I took the brat anyways, but he was just such a cute little drooling moron, I figured I could cover a second question at the same time, this one from Voltrasin who asked:

"Hello, my great and powerful lord.

I have a question that in no way pertains to shipping.

Could you ever see yourself as a father, having to raise an infant that has the same powers as you do?"

Okay, SwimmingDalek98, take note. This writer was respectful. He complimented me, did not ask me annoying shipping based questions, and best of all, he did not leave a drooling moron at my front door!

All pluses, one in particular. I will let you guess which it is.

It was not asking me shipping based questions, by the way. Which is why Darqfox, who says:

"Well Discord, it seems we don't go to the same clinic. You do to the one in Canterlot, I stick to mine in the Everfree where the real fun is. And mine is "The Clinic for the Severely Eccentric", not "Chaosians Anonymous".

My next question: Do you flirt with Celestia to piss her off, or because deep down you like her?

<3 DarqFox"

Anyways, DarqFox, you are now dead to me. You broke my no shipping questions taboo. For shame sir, for shame. I'll get to your other stuff in a minute, but I do enjoy pissing off Celestia, though you would not believe how easy it is to do! Did you know that in all picture books that tell the story of Nightmare Moon and her origins, Celestia has pink hair? It's true! That was totally my doing, by the way. Hilarious!

And the best part is, she doesn't even realize I did it yet! I mean, to be fair, I was frozen in stone when I did it, but who says I can't still do chaos in the past while I'm frozen in a stone body suit? You find me somepony who says I can't do that, I'll show them a being of chaos who is too busy doing stuff that "can't be done" to notice! Or care. Or... understand... That sentence went on a bit, I forget what my point was. Let me look over what I wrote already...

AHA! 1000 views! No wait, too far back... uh... hold on...

Okay, let me backtrack one part at a time until this makes sense again.

DarqFox , I don't have a 'thing' for Celestia. I instead followed SwimmingDalek98's advice and threw Celestia, aka 'the sun' at a portal to hell that Janemba created, which by the way looks an awful lot like somewhere called "New Jersey", I am told. I wouldn't have used the Elements of Harmony even if they weren't already back on the Tree of Harmony. Discord don't work that way.

So yeah, I threw Celestia at a portal that led either to either Hell or New Jersey. No stone suit this time though, I managed to get my lawyers to site this blog, which has, for tax reasons, already been labeled as a tax dodge, I mean... community service project, so I was ipso facto able to put all the blame squarely on the shoulders of SwimmingDalek98. Swimy Dee, when Celestia gets back from Hell Jersey, I expect she will be coming after you, so, uh... I recommend wearing sunscreen of the highest SPF you can possibly get your hands on. Like, the kind of sunscreen that they use to protect from nuclear blasts.

If I just made that type of sunscreen up, I recommend you invent some quickly.

So ya, The Clinic for the Severely Eccentric, DarqFox? You know, if you weren't already dead to me, I would think you just made up that name off the top of your head! And subsequently, you would be dead to me!

In that case, I believe you are either double dead to me, or alive again. I will consult with my lawyers if I can use either option as a future tax dodge and get back to you with what I find out.

Okay, DarqFox has been taken care of for another week, what else?

Oh wait, before you ask, yes, all of my lawyers are also accountants.

Ah yes, Voltrasin! I totally skipped over you before! Well, I'm gonna skip you again, cause I think I can answer your question best by continuing the tale of Janamba, the great and stupid!

Actually, Voltrasin, one point. I think I would make an excellent father, given that I raised this little ball of chaos who looked just like me! I even named him Discord! And then I abandoned him ten thousand years ago. On the same day my father, also named Discord, left me in that same place, come to think on it...

Moving on!

So Janemba is dumber than a bag of hammers. How dumb is that you ask? Well let me answer that with another question. Have you ever met a smart bag of hammers?

Anyways. Janemba is reaaaaaallllllly dumb. Why do I keep reiterating that point? Because SWIMMINGDALEK98 HAS YET TO COME AND TAKE JANEMBA BACK. IN FACT JANEMBA IS SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO ME RIGHT NOW READING EVERY WORD I TYPE. OUT LOUD.

I have to insult him every few minutes or he starts babbling about destroying some guy names Goku. You know, when he isn't trying to take over third world countries or open portals to weird places. And I can only throw Celestia through one portal at a time... I think...

My point is, SwimmingDalek98, please pick up your weird demon monster thing from my house before Celestia turns you into a pile of glowing ashes. Thank you.

And with that out of the way, we move on to new stuff!

So, the new season of The Discord is Great Show, featuring the Friendship is Magic dancers, is finally out! Or My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, as it is known in some languages.

Any-who, the new season is out, and I got to play the leading role again! As myself, of course, though I think I make an excellent Angel Bunny when I get in character. I even had a tasteful, (and rather risqué), shower scene, and got to sing my own rendition of a classic tune from the early days of the show! True, I wasn't in the show back in those days, I was still encased in stone, but that first season was really more of a prologue to my arrival anyways.

Return of Harmony is best episode. No, Keep Calm and Flutter On. Because I didn't get put back in stone at the end of it. Of course, I said Friendship is Magic in it, so I guess that takes points off.

Fine. I would say Princess Twilight Sparkle is best episode then. No saying, "Friendship is Magic". No stone suit. No more Elements of Harmony. Muahahahahahahaha!

Ahem...

Or maybe Hurricane Fluttershy...

Besides the point. And that point is...

I am back on TV! Huzzah!

There should have been streamers raining from the ceiling of the room of anypony who read that last line, by the way. If you didn't get streamers, or instead got snakes of some sort raining from your ceiling, please consult your local chaos provider, they need to fix the reception on your chaos receiver. And, of course, to put more snakes in the crawl space above your room.

And it will only cost you $29.99! I'm practically giving snakes away at those prices!

That's just the sort of chaos I am!

You're welcome.

And with that, new stuff is done! That just leaves any questions or comments I missed so far.

Let me see...

Discord is awesome... Discord is awesome... Awesome is Discord...

A ha!

gamerfly, a long time reader who likes to put random comments that are just vague enough that I can't really ever respond to them, has instead opted to ask me a question! Huzzah and snakes for everypony!

gamerfly asks:

"Discord have you ever used gossip to make chaos?"

gamerfly, for asking me that question, you are now best pony. In fact, you are the greatest pony in the history of great ponies. You are so great, other ponies weep at the very sight of your perfection. They would have made you an alicorn, but that would be a step down from how great you are. All hail gamerfly, the great and powerful!

Now I expect to receive the money you agreed to bribe me for saying that on my blog, and I want it all in small bills, sent to an offshore bank account of my choosing.

To all besides gamerfly who are reading this: gamerfly bribed me to say how truly better than you all he is.

Get him.

To gamerfly: I hope I answered your question. Have fun and run fast!

Final comment of the day.

This one is from TheGuyWithTheFace, who in response to MaeceusMan's snide comment that all are doomed as a consequence of TheGuyWithTheFace suggesting that I write my own holy book, (which is an international best seller by the way, best get your copy for this Hearths Warming Eve before they are all gone!).

And then he adds an "authors note" claiming that, I, the most wonderful and excellent Discord, have a god complex? Me? Please, such things are beneath me.

So yeah, in response to all of that, TheGuyWithTheFace simply says:

"I regret NOTHING!!!"

In response to that response of a response, my response is simply this. Bravo TGWTF. Bravo.

Now, I will add that TheGuyWithTheFace may have said that because he is in fact one of my zombies, and I told him to type all of that.

However, I would argue that his current state as a brain dead zombie still uses more brain power than this waste of space Janemba has ever used, while he sits here next to me, continuing to read every word of my blog out loud.

And even THAT is more brain power then SwimmingDalek98 has used in his entire life. Like, birth to death, combined, SwimmingDalek98 is still using less brainpower than a bowl of air. Cause even a bowl of air, again, not known for its intelligence, would have picked up the demon creature thing it left on my doorstep against my will on time. Because seriously, I would imagine that Discord, being of CHAOS, would be an unpleasant enemy...

Much like Celestia. The sun is currently rising, so I think she is back from Hell Jersey. you better start running, SwimmingDalek98, cause at least one of the two of us will get ya! And soon!

Muahahahahahahahaha!

Boo.

Author's Note

• The Lawyers who are now apparently also Accountants of Discord would like to remind you that any and all madness incurred reading the word of Discord is an accepted part of allowing the words to become information processed by your brain after being received by your eyes, ears, antenna, or other sensory organs used in the process of receiving information. Any tax advice given by Discord is likewise given independently of your individual tax situation. Please do not follow any tax or legal advice given by Discord, or from us, through him. In either case, he is probably horribly oversimplifying it.
  You have been warned.