Spunk Science

Spunk Science

by the parasprite

1. Science has a big hole and it needs to be filled immediately

Normally, Twilight Sparkle wasn’t the kind of mare who went out drinking. Even abnormally, she still wasn’t the kind of mare who went out drinking.

But once in a while, she felt it acceptable to just sit back and enjoy a cider or two at one of Pinkie’s after-parties. This was usually because somepony had spiked the punch at the real party and already lowered her inhibitions enough that she would accept a drink from Pinkie or Dash, and then she would proceed to get slightly drunk. Then she would get more drunk, and then really drunk, and then pass out, but only after singing, dancing, and making a complete fool of herself.

The party Pinkie held for Twilight’s library having exactly nine thousand six hundred and forty-four books—which she said was a ‘party number’—was one of those times.

It was a loud and obnoxious party that left the library in a state of disarray, so after the other guests had gone, the girls stayed with Twilight and Pinkie to help them clean up the mess. The task had been made all the more difficult by how tipsy they'd become, and to make matters even worse, it turned out Pinkie had some cider stashed in who-knew-what dimension. Bottles were soon passed around between the six mares, and before they knew it, all six were properly drunk.

“I can fly backwards and upshide down and you caaaan’t, Twiliiiight!” Rainbow Dash bragged, doing just that instead of helping Applejack turn the sofa back to its proper position like she ought to have been. She ended up helping anyway, though, as she crashed into the sofa, causing it to flip upright.

“Better watch where y’all’re goin’ there, sugercube,” said Applejack as she moved on to right Twilight's armchair. “Might end up makin’ yerself useful.”

“I can shtill fly upside down and backwards, and Twilightcan’t!” Dash rolled off the sofa onto the floor and staggered back to her hooves. “It’s really important.”

Twilight, who was far less intoxicated than Dash, and marginally less so than Applejack, sipped her own cider while she cleared confetti off the shelves and put the books back on them. “Why is it important, Rainbow?”

“'Cause... I forget.”

The others giggled, while Rainbow crawled back onto the sofa and laid down on it, making incomprehensible moaning noises that, for the most part, all sounded similar to ‘blargh’.

“I can’t believe there are nine thousand six hundred and forty four books in this library,” Pinkie announced. She was following Twilight around like a second tail and immediately switching around the books the unicorn put back on the shelves. For once, Twilight couldn't be bothered to stop her. “It’s just so amazing and I can’t believe it. I could believe it when there were nine thousand six hundred and forty three books. Maybe I’ll be able to believe it when there are nine thousand six hundred and forty five books. But not nine thousand six hundred and forty four books!”

“I wonder what the new title is." Twilight sipped her drink again and leaned her head on a hoof, gazing at a bookshelf without really seeing the books on it. “...Mm. You know, I don’t think Spike actually told me. He just said somepony donated another book, and then Pinkie burst through the door with her party cannon.”

“Yeppers,” Pinkie agreed as she switched the Sunset series with the collected works of Neightzchi. She hopped over Fluttershy, who was on the floor in the center of the room trying to stack empty cider bottles.

“I’ll go have a look at the records then... assuming Spike updated them.”

After storing her drink safely on an untouched shelf, Twilight plodded over to the filing cabinet where she kept the library’s catalogue and began rifling through them to find the entry for the newest book.

“Nine thousand six hundred and forty two... nine thousand six hundred and forty three... nine thousand six hundred and forty four, here we are.” Twilight held up the little notecard and read off, “‘The South Beach Diet’. Ugh, not another diet book... I’m starting to think they’re being sent by companies trying to advertise weight loss products, you know.”

“Ew,” said Pinkie Pie, wrinkling her nose. “Dieting.”

Applejack snorted. “Guess it don’t occur to folks ta just get up’n move. They gotta have all kinds’a fancy diets that don’t even work. Ya don’t eat and ya don’t lose weight with 'em; ain't nothin' positive to be found. Don’t see why they’re so popular.”

“I'll have you know I diet regularly,” huffed Rarity. “Not excessively, of course, but how else could I maintain my glorious figure while working at a sewing machine all day? Low-carbohydrate diets are actually quite effective if one goes through with them properly.”

“Low-carb’s nassshty... I like carbsh.” Dash was hanging off the end of the sofa’s arm, her nose nearly touching the floor. “Delicious... Mmm, food... Keepsh me in the air...”

“Ya gotsho mushulsh unlesh ya eatshum protein,” said Fluttershy, who was swaying more than any of the others. This led to her pyramid of cider bottles toppling over as she spoke. “Ahh, oopsh. Look at'm go. But ya gotsha have protein, or ya gonna die...”

“Screw yer protein,” Rainbow Dash slurred as a bottle rolled past her and clinked against the wall. “I got my energy barsh.”

“Actually, those energy bars I’ve seen you eating are probably very high in protein,” Twilight said to Dash, who merely gave her a dismissive wing-wave in reply.

“You wanna know what else is really high in protein?” said Pinkie with a sly smile.

“What, Pinkie?”

Pinkie didn't say anything for quite some time after that, until she suddenly jumped to her hooves and started hopping energetically around the room while chanting, “Cum, cum, cum, cum, cum!”

“That is... actually true,” Twilight acknowledged, unfazed by Pinkie’s antics due to her familiarity with the party mare, and also to a degree because of her cider consumption. “Semen is about fifty percent protein.”

“And it’s yummy in my tummy! And it goes good on cupcakes. Cum, cum, cum, cum—Oof!" Pinkie banged face-first into a wall, ending her performance.

“What’s the other four thirds?” asked Applejack, who was equally as unfazed as Twilight was.

“Oh, let me think... Sodium, citrate, calcium, magnesium, glucose, fructose, chloride, lactic acid, zinc, carbon diox—”

“Everyshing,” Dash summarized. She was now walking around in circles and fluttering her wings restlessly, as she usually did when she didn’t fly for more than five minutes at a time. “’Like yer takin’ a multivitamin.”

“Rainbow Dash, that implication was very crude and inappropriate... although zinc supplements are supposed to be very good for one’s coat and coiffure, I’ll admit,” said Rarity thoughtfully, lifting her drink and swirling it around.

“What are you talking ab—Oh.” Twilight rolled her eyes. “Yes, I suppose your body would break down the semen and absorb the nutrients just like any other... food. However, there’s not that much zinc in semen, so I doubt you’d see much of an effect. In fact, I don’t think your... coiffure would change that much unless you swallowed quite a bit of it.”

Dash’s wings opened with a loud sproiiing and stood rigid at her sides. Completely unabashed, she stopped and strained them until they shut again, then resumed walking around in circles, giggling madly at her body's indecent behavior.

“I heard a story once, and it was about a mare, and like, she was ugly, and mean, and prudish, and nopony liked her, and she hated everypony," chirped Pinkie. "But then she drank like forty gallons of spunk at a party, and then everypony wanted to be her friend all of a sudden, and then she dated the stallion who had the biggest you-know-what, and then they got married, and then they had three fillies, and then one of them moved out and became a baker."

“Shruuuee luuurve,” Fluttershy cooed while Pinkie clopped her hooves together happily. “Shooo romannshiccsh.”

Nodding, Pinkie concluded, “And it proves that eating jizz makes you a better pony.”

“They do say that ‘a lady always swallows’. Though I’ve thought about going for a facial, if you know what I mean.”

“You can’t possibly think rubbing sperm on your face is good for it...” said Twilight.

“You never know, darling.”

Twilight opened her mouth to refute this, but found that she could think of nothing with which to refute it. While Pinkie started to ramble at top speed about the things she liked to put semen on, Twilight racked her brain trying to remember if any of those journals had featured a study about the physiological effects of consuming or absorbing large amounts of semen. Having subscribed to literally every reputable scientific journal she knew of, she had a rather vast repository of studies to draw on when she was trying to work something out, and she was pretty sure she would have remembered a study like that.

“Hmm,” Twilight said. “Spike, can you get my reference guide for scientific studies? Spike?”

She looked around, and then remembered that it was the middle of the night and Spike was asleep upstairs. Sighing, she tried the second best option, which was to dig it out by herself. This took some time because of how Pinkie had rearranged everything in the library, but eventually she found it in the gardening section.

“Semen consumption... semen consumption...” she muttered to herself, tuning out Pinkie’s ongoing rambling as she cast a spell to search the guide for instances of that phrase or any of its synonyms.

She watched the reference guide's many pages flip through on their own, surrounded by her magic’s lavender aura.Twilight's expression grew steadily more anxious as the right half of the book got smaller and smaller; morphing from a casually expectant look into a frown, and then into budding disbelief, until the disbelief was replaced by mute horror when the back cover closed over without a single result showing up.

Twilight just sat there, staring at the empty black back of her scientific study guide, momentarily unable to fully express the sheer existential terror she was experiencing.

“...So I gave it a biiiiiig long lick like it was an octouplerific-scoop ice-cream sundae shaped like a penis,” Pinkie was saying to the others, who were listening attentively to her rambling for once, “and then I opened my mouth reeeeeaaal wide so he could shoot his delicious, creamy load of cum right down my thr—”

The scream Twilight had been holding in since closing the book interrupted Pinkie's story and startled all five mares so badly that they, despite their drunkenness, jumped into the air.

“Oh, dear Celestia! This is terrible! How could this have happened?” Twilight cried, dropping the book in a rare instance of her instinct to protect precious written literature was overridden by something stronger—in this case, panic.

“Aww, don’t tell me you’re not a fan of bukkake,” said Pinkie, ears drooping.

“No, it's not that! I’ve just found out there’s a hole in science, girls!”

Dash snickered like a college fratcolt on a panty raid. “Heh... a hole.”

“Whacha talkin’ about, Twi?” asked Applejack.

Jabbing both forehooves, and also both wings, at the reference guide, Twilight took a deep, steadying breath and said, “There’s never, ever been a systematic study of the physiological effects of long-term consumption of large quantities of semen by any reputable institution! It’s an unknown! Unexplored! Untouched! Untapped!” Her eye started twitching. “Science doesn’t know something!”

“Don’t you think you might be overreacting just a tad, darling?” asked Rarity with a nervous smile. “You do have a tendency to... do that...”

“I don’t think you understand, Rarity,” Twilight growled, zooming up until they were nose-to-nose. “Science does not know something. Knowledge is incomplete. Do you not understand the ramifications of that? It could be the key to unlocking the meaning of life—don’t you understand that?”

“Drinkin’ sperm could be the key ta unlockin’ the meaning’a life.” Applejack pushed her hat back and scratched her head in bewilderment. “Ah’ll be darned if that ain’t the strangest thing Ah’ve heard since Applebloom got herself stuck inside a cider barrel without unsealin’ the top.”

“Yes, yes, it could be the meaning of—I mean, it could be the key to—It could be very important!” said Twilight. She used her hoof to smooth back her mane, some of which had sprung up during her initial frenzy. “That’s why we have to fill the hole as soon as possible.”

“Heh,” said Dash, grinning an extremely perverted grin. “’Fill th'hole.”

“I must answer this question,” Twilight continued as she began to pace around the library. “I must apply... the scientific method.”

She waited for her audience to display the appropriate awe in response to her announcement. Instead, all she got was a pair of drunken earth ponies and a unicorn staring at her in confusion, a smashed rainbow pegasus giggling and repeating ‘Fill the hole’ to herself, and a yellow-and-pink mare ignoring her in favor of stacking bottles again. Huffing, Twilight levitated a pen and parchment into the air in front of her.

“We are trying to determine the long-term effect upon the equine body of the oral ingestion and subsequent digestion of equine semen,” she said. The pen wrote down her words exactly. “Said effects are unknown but may include nutritional benefits, increased physical health, and, uh... increased attractiveness and desirability to the opposite sex, apparently.”

“Heh... she said sex...” Dash guffawed.

“The most effective way to ascertain the nature of these effects is to conduct an experiment in which we magnify the typical situation that results in the ingestion of semen. These macro-level effects will allow us to determine what bodily functions are most affected, and then narrow our subsequent research to focus on those areas.”

“Who’s this ‘we’ yer talkin’ about, Twi?” asked Applejack.

“Shh," said Pinkie loudly, “Twilight’s sciencing!”

“To magnify the results, the subject in question will of course have to consume a very large amount of semen over an extended period of time,” Twilight continued, still pacing and still auto-writing. “In order to prevent contamination of the results, all other substances save for water will need to be eliminated from the subject’s diet and replaced with semen for at least one week.”

There was another sproiiing as Dash’s wings shot open again to smack both Pinkie and Applejack in their faces. Dash left them open this time, not bothering to fight the tumescence or even hide her sudden avid interest in Twilight’s words.

“Can I be the subject? Can I? Can I?” Pinkie bounded around the room excitedly. “I always wanted to suck a hundred dicks!”

“Pinkie, every time you try to go on a diet, you end up breaking it in less than five minutes,” said Twilight. “Besides, all the samples will have to be collected from the Canterlot sperm bank. Fresh semen would be of more use to the experiment, of course, since most ponies who, uh, consume it don’t do so after freezing it. But that brings us to the question of where somepony would come by fresh semen samples three times a day on a regular basis. I suppose I could put an ad in the newspaper, but I don’t think there are many healthy stallions who would be receptive to having a large metal object rammed into their rectum to deliver an electric shock.”

“Pardon?” Rarity coughed, lowering her drink.

“Well,” Twilight explained, “the samples should be collected in the most efficient manner possible—that is, via electrostimulation of the prostate. It’s the most effective method of inducing ejaculation without sexual arousal.”

“Ah think you might have some success gettin’ yer ‘fresh samples’ if ya jus’ handed them a cup and told ‘em where the bathroom is,” said Applejack.

“Oh, no,” Twilight told her, waving a hoof as though to dismiss the idea. “That wouldn’t work. I’ll have to be on hoof to observe the collection process, after all, and it’s the most efficient—”

“Nopony elshe gets their cum by shovin’ a cattle prod up anypony’s butt,” Rainbow Dash pointed out.

“It might mess everything up, and stuff!” added Pinkie ominously. “What then, miss sciency-pants?”

“That... is true.” Twilight had to concede that for once, Pinkie actually did have a good point. “It could affect the data if electrical stimulation were involved in the collection when it typically isn't in a normal setting. So, no electrostimulation. But it’ll still be a very specific task, involving very specific measurements, and I just can’t trust others to take that responsibility. I suppose I’m just going to have to, ah—get the samples by hoof.”

“Jerking them off?” asked Pinkie. She sounded hopeful now.

“...Yes, Pinkie... jerking them off. Into a container, obviously. Now there’s just the question of which three ponies would be willing to donate sperm once a day for a week—”

The words were hardly out of Twilight's mouth when Dash suggested, “Big Mac."

“Y’all leave mah brother outta this,” AJ said to Dash.

“They would have to be STD-free and in good health, of course,” said Twilight, ignoring the two. “I can do tests for that sort of thing in my lab. Somepony would probably respond to an ad, I suppose...”

“I jusht god tested... Imma totally clean,” Dash told her, stretching her wings casually and rocking dangerously to the side. Twilight fixed her with a stony look.

“You don’t have a penis or testicles, Rainbow Dash.”

Rainbow Dash looked down. “Oh... yeah.”

“Although,” Twilight mused after a moment, “there is a spell that could change that for a short length of time. It’s capable of creating working male sperm and genetic material as well as primary genitalia. The fact that you were born female shouldn’t affect results... hmm. Alright, Rainbow Dash is in as, uh, donor number one.”

Dash pumped her hoof in the air and mouthed, ‘yes!’. She managed to fall over as a result.

“I want one too!” Pinkie pouted. “Pleeeeeeease? Please, Twilight? Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please—”

“Okay! Okay!” Twilight cried over her pleading. “Ahem... so that’s two volunteers...”

“Rarity wantsh one too,” Dash blurted out. Rarity glared at the drunkenly giggling rainbow mare.

“I most certainly do not want a stallion’s parts hanging between my legs, Rainbow Dash,” she said, sitting back and crossing her forelegs in disgust. “It’s the most unladylike thing imaginable.”

“C’mon, Raresh... ya know ya want it.”

“Absolutely not! I am perfectly happy as a mare, thank you very much! Although...” the unicorn added after a moment, sounding like she was suddenly seeing the idea from a new point of view, “I’ve sometimes wondered... what it would be like... to be unbound from the shackles of this chauvinistic, male-dominated society—to be a male myself, able to do whatever I pleased... to see the world from the other side, so to speak.”

“So, um...” Twilight asked, not sure of Rarity’s decision.

Rarity waffled for a bit longer before finally, and with some hesitation, inquiring, “It’s not permanent, is it?”

“It wears off after three hours... or, if you don’t want it that long, there’s also a counterspell,” said Twilight.

“I see... I think I could schedule fifteen minutes a day for the next week. It’s been a slow month, creatively and business-wise, so I don’t have that much to do. And you know what they say about idle hooves. Why not experience something new while I have time?”

“Alright then.” Twilight added Rarity’s name to the list. “I suppose I’ll have to add my name, too. Normally, it wouldn’t be a good idea, but the primary sex organ swap spell is apparently going to be universal in this experiment. We’re specifically testing the effects of the oral ingestion of the bodily fluid known as semen, not the ingestion of its individual components. Being produced by the test subject should have little or no relevance to the actual results...”

“Wait a shec... you’re gonna eat your own...” Dash’s wings began to visibly pulsate. “Wow.”

“Well—I’m obviously going to be the test subject, first and foremost, but that doesn’t mean I can’t, ah, produce samples myself,” said Twilight with a dismissive wave of her hoof, not bothering to look up from her paper as she planned out the experiment. “I need to ensure that there’s absolutely no contamination of the results, after all, and I can’t keep an eye on another pony’s dietary habits twenty four hours a day for an entire week without significant sleep loss. As I said, it’s not relevant who the semen comes from, as we’re testing what happens when it’s broken down by the digestive system.

“And actually,” she added, tapping the pen against her chin, “if Applejack and Fluttershy also contributed, I could switch trios of donors every other day. It would be much easier for all involved. All the penii would be magically generated, and we have a perfect lineup of one member of each pony tribe, as my DNA is still that of a unicorn.”

“Yer askin’ if Ah wanna sign up to clop off a magic rod in yer mouth,” Applejack said.

“Er, more or less... except without the ‘clopping off a magic rod into my mouth’ part. I’m just going to, ah, masturbate you into a cup, and, uh, eat your semen.”

“Mmhm. And y’all didn’t ask before because...?”

“Well, who would want to waste their time doing that?” huffed Twilight. “Do you want to be a part of my experiment or not?”

“Uh, hell yeah, Ah wanna be part of yer experiment,” Applejack replied, looking at her like she was insane for even having to ask.

“I wanna be parssh’a yer ecksparimensh too.” Fluttershy raised her hoof weakly. “I gosshum free sshhime sshamarrow...”

Twilight frowned a bit. “Er, are you sure, Fluttershy?”

"Yesh... yesh... you haveshush nishe wingssh and I wanshoo playwish'em...”

“Well, uh, okay then." Tuning out Fluttershy’s alcohol-soaked rambling, Twilight wrote down both Applejack's and Fluttershy's names, then turned back to her friends. "I’m going to have you all sign notes so you remember what you agreed to in the morning. Oh, and we have to come up with a schedule for my, uh, meals.”

“For when we getta cum in yer mouth,” added Dash. She clopped her hooves together and smiled a wobbly smile. “It'sh gunna be sho aweshum.”

“Let’s see, it’s Thursday,” Twilight muttered to herself. “Tomorrow is Friday... I’ll take tomorrow morning to set up the appropriate equipment in my laboratory, and then I’ll cast the sex organ reassignment spell on myself and, ah, have breakfast. It should give me a chance to get physically familiar with stallion genital anatomy, as I’ve never, you know, ah... Well, I’ve had sex, but I, uh, had other things on my mind besides learning at the time. I’ll do breakfast Friday, Monday, Wednesday, and Friday again. Let me see...”

“Me next, me next!” Pinkie jumped in front of her. “I gotta teach you how to give a good hoofjob, ‘cause, you know. So I’ll do luuuunch!”

Alarm bells went off in Twilight's head. “This isn’t about sex, Pinkie. This is about science.”

“Sex is a science.”

“No, it isn’t! Anyway, no food play, alright?”

“What? Why would I do that?” Pinkie looked somewhat confused. “Cum is just yum when it’s on cupcakes. It’s not like food turns me on or anything.”

“No... no melted white chocolate enemas or... feeding tubes full of liquefied cake...”

“Um... no?”

“No latex? No diapers? No tentacle monsters hiding in the closet waiting to rape me? No double penetration with your evil twin? No Gummy? No violent, potentially deadly S&M on a rack in your basement while cutting off my wings and horn?”

“I just want you to give me a hoofjob,” said Pinkie in a small voice.

“Hm, okay. Somehow, I thought there would be more involved.” Shrugging, Twilight marked down Pinkie for the afternoon on the same days. “Alright... dinner.”

“I’ll makeya dinner, Twilight,” Fluttershy piped up. “Jushhcum round my houshe anyshime in she eveningsh... I’ll be reashy fuhyou...”

“I’ll do dinner on the other days,” said Rarity. “My treat, darling...”

“Oh, thank you,” Twilight said as she wrote.

“A got apple-buckin’ all afternoon, so Ah guess Ah’m doin’ mornin’s. Y’all can just come by’n wait in the barn. Dash’s always asleep in the mornin’ anyway, so it’ll work good.”

“Worksh for me,” said Rainbow. “I’ll come ta ya. Boom, right thru the window...”

“Excellent!” Smiling, Twilight put her notes down. “So we’ll get everything set up tomorrow. If I’m careful, I can avoid having a hangover in the morning and get started then. I’ll have to fast for at least three days before starting, in order to remove as much potential interference as possible, but then I think we’ll be good to go! Tomorrow, I will prepare to embark on a scientific journey!”

“Through an ocean of cum!” Pinkie added.

“Yes, Pinkie... through a figurative ocean of male ejaculate. But it will be completely, entirely, one hundred percent for the glory and advancement of SCIENCE.”