Chapters Over The Hills and Far Away
Trampled Under Foot
"Cannonball!"
"Your form kinda sucked on that cannonball, dude," said Mr. Whiskers.
Phil waved at him dismissively. "Oh, you don't know anything about cannonballs. It's all about the splash."
Mr. Whiskers snorted rudely while twirling a piece of his mane back and forth. "I'm telling you, there's more to it. A certain art form. By the way, wasn't I trying to eat you before?"
"Oh yeah, you were, weren't you?"
Mr. Whiskers shrugged and tackled Phil to the ground. How Phil didn't see it coming, he'll never know. Mr. Whiskers was just about to taste test Phil's esophagus-
"-Mr. Whiskers, how could you!?" Phil shot up. He rubbed his eyes, taking in the horrible betrayal of Mr. Whiskers being but a mere dream. Mr. Whiskers would never do such a thing.
Looking around at his surroundings, Phil realized he wasn't it Kansas anymore. Or that forest for that matter. He appeared to be in a small bedroom. The room was a dull yellow colour, without much else but a small table with a mirror adorning the room. Looking down, he noticed he was lying in a small, cute turquoise bed. His legs stuck out abnormally far over the end of the bed, making him realize the bed he was in was about the size of a large baby crib.
"I wonder if I'm in a child's bed?" he said to no one but himself. "No, this seems a little small, even for a child. Maybe this is a midget's bed, or maybe even a leprechaun's?"
While pondering the implications of ending up in a leprechaun's bed, and wondering if he still got a pot of gold, Phil moved to get out of the small bed, only to be stopped by a surge of pain through most of his body.
"Oh yeah," he managed to grunt out. "I was injured last night, wasn't I? How did that happen again?" *flashback time*
It was yet another beautiful day of being unemployed and Phil had just woke up from his second nap of the day. Phil liked to think he lived in a nice house(parent's house) and couldn't think of a good reason to move out despite the constant badgering of his parents, friends, and that one homeless man down the road who thinks he's in line to the throne of Queen Elizibeth. That homeless guy thinks he's all that. But I digress.
As I was saying, Phil had just woken up from a nap to find that his fridge was empty of snacks! No snacks!? This was an atrocity that Phil couldn't leave alone, so he took some of his parent's money(nobody's perfect) and proceeded to correct the mistake of nature. However, when Phil opened his front door, he put one foot out the door and realized that his once gorgeous porch, was now replaced by a large, gaping, bottomless hole. Unfortunately, by the time he realized that little piece of information, he was already falling.
He started to fall into what seemed like nothingness while screaming like a little girl. However, as he fell, scenery started to materialize around him. He witnessed as lush trees formed for kilometres(metric master race) around and puffy clouds shot out of the blue. Then, he looked down to see the one thing he didn't want to see. The ground. He let out a high pitched squeal as he plummeted towards the would-be Earth...
~ ~ ~
"Oh yeah, I fell like 40 feet(I'll throw the imperial system a bone) and flat out hit the ground. I'm sort of surprised I'm still alive."
Phil, suddenly remembering his injuries, nervously gazed down to examine his body. He had bandages enveloping his lower and middle torso, as well as some covering his right ankle. Phil sat back in the bed and breathed a sigh of relief. He had expected the damage to be much, much worse. He briefly thanked Cheese Strings for being so good and calcium filled, then moved a cautionary foot out of the bed. He put some weight on it, and realizing it didn't hurt that much, stood up slowly. Phil could feel something wrong with his mid-torso area.
"Damn it, I'm no expert, but I'm willing to bet my ribs are cracked, or broken, or maybe not even there at all!"
He quickly reexamined his rib cage with his fingers.
"My hypothesis still stands. Don't let anybody say those biology classes didn't teach me a thing or two," Phil said to absolutely no one.
After confidentially announcing his diagnosis, Phil happened to recall a mirror somewhere in the room. He located it(without much help from you. Good going readers) and glanced at himself in the mirror. Phil was an average height at about 180 cm give or take, with a pasty white complexion that could reflect sunlight. His deep blue eyes complimented his short, spiked brown hair quite well if he did say so himself, and his light freckles helped bring out his award winning smile. It had yet to win any awards. His physique was a combination of athletic and muscular which was difficult to pull off with all the junk food he consumed on a daily bases. It's metabolism, I ain't gotta explain shit.
Other than his bandaged areas, Phil couldn't see any other spots where he was injured. This was perplexing to Phil. He had recalled running through the woods from his pal, Mr. Whiskers, and procuring a couple of scratches on his face and arms, but there were no visible signs he'd been injured at all. Mighty suspicious if he did say so himself.
Phil took his gaze away from the mirror for a moment, but whipped his head back towards the mirror when something occurred to him. He could see his body. He was in his underwear. Someone had taken his clothes off.
Phil scourged the room in a panic. "Why am I naked? Coming to think of it, where am I anyway? How does a beast like Mr. Whiskers exist? Why is everything so pastel looking? WHY AM I NAKED?!"
So many questions and so few answers. However, Phil's questions came to an unexpected halt when he heard a loud creaking noise. It was the noise of a doorknob turning. That doorknob seriously needed some oil. However, Phil was thinking less of that and more of somebody finally being able to answer all of his questions. ALL OF THEM, MWHAHAHAHAHAH-err sorry. A familiar voice came from behind the door.
"Umm, I thought i heard something coming from upstairs. a-are you a-awake yet? Oh, you probably don't want to be disturbed, I, umm, I'll just go awa-"
It was unmistakable. This was the voice of the girl who had saved him. Now he had two objectives: get answers and thank this girl for his life.
"Wait!" Phil shouted.
His shout was met with a barely audible *eeep* from the other side of the door.
"You're the girl who saved me yesterday right? Do you mind if I ask you a few questions?"
"O-okay," she hesitated. "I-If you w-want to that is."
The door was opened unimaginably slowly, but Phil's impatience was completely overpowered by his intense disbelief. There stood his saviour in all her glory. She had long flowing pink hair, which she appeared to be hiding behind, coupled with bright turquoise eyes. Of course, all of this was dwarfed by her butter-yellow coat, tail and hoofs. In what some would call an overreaction, Phil jumped back in complete surprise.
"T-T-T-TALKING H-HORSE!"
And for the second time in 24 hours, the wuss known as Phil passed out.
Author's Note
Here comes the plot, dedolido, here comes the plot and I say...opinions are appreciated, let me know what I can do for you. Non-sexually of course.
Over The Hills and Far Away
Custard Pie
Phil opened his eyes groggily. His head was pounding like no tomorrow. He couldn't quite remember why, but he had a feeling it had something to do with a wooden floor and something buttery. Maybe he had finally seen his cholesterol level. Not that it wasn't absolutely perfect or anything...
"Ughhh," he grunted. "Why does my head feel like it was run over by a freight train? What is going on up there?"
*Meanwhile, in Phil's brain...*
"Private Mindbuster, what is your report?"
"We have sustained heavy damage along the part of the brain that controls language, Captain Serotonin. I don't think Private Fromage will ever recover."
Captain Serotonin face went pale. "No! Without Private Fromage, we may never remember grade 9 French again!"
"Y-you can't be serious, Captain! W-what can w-we do?"
The captain closed his eyes. "There's nothing we can do Private. Nothing but sit here and wait for our demise..."
*Back in reality*
Phil shook his head. "God, I need an Advil. Or maybe some morphine. Yeah, morphine would sure hit the spot right abo-"
"Umm...excuse me."
Phil froze up. That voice, that unmistakable voice. Why couldn't that voice be any other voice? He turned to the source and there sat the being that both saved his life and terrified the living crap out of him. A colourful talking horse. His eye twitched and his mouth contorted into a nervous grin. He assumed it was female from the tone of its voice and its frilly colours. She sat in a puppy-like manor with a bag of ice at her fe...err...hooves.
"I-I don't m-mean to interrupt you, b-but I th-thought you might want an i-ice pack. You hit you h-head pretty hard when you...umm...screamed and passed out."
Phil wasn't listening to what she was saying. He was still to hung up on her ability to speak in the first place. "You...you can t-talk? You can really talk?"
She looked away awkwardly. "Well...I am talking right now, aren't I?"
"...Technically I have to accept that...wow..." He tilted his head at the yellow equine. Upon closer inspection, she didn't seem like any horse he'd seen, and not just because of her colour scheme. Her eyes were much larger than any horse he'd seen, and he had seen quite a few horses in his time. Like 6 or 7. She also appeared to have a tattoo on her thigh. Horse tramp stamp? We may never know. He took a look at her back and realized he had missed something pretty important. She had wings. Wings! She talked and was a mythological creature from legend? Some people had all the luck.
The horse, or what Phil called her out of jealousy, Wingy, reached down and picked up the ice pack in her mouth. In a move that surprised Phil, Wingy opened her wings and fluttered up to his head level.
"That'll help soothe that nasty bump on your head," she said fluttering back down. "I-I'm sorry I startled you before, I never expected you to react that way to me. Umm...if I can ask, why did you react like that?"
She stared at him with her huge turquoise eyes waiting for an answer. God, those eyes were big. Phil could see his whole body in her eye's reflection. He thought about it for a bit and realized his reaction to her presence might have been ~~really flamboyant~~ a tad strong.
"Umm...well...I've just never seen a talking horse before, that's all."
A look of shock and surprise overtook her face. "I-I don't know what a 'horse' is, but do you mean you've never seen a pony before?"
"I've seen ponies before," Phil said, finally calming down a bit. "I've just never seen talking ponies before." Suddenly a metaphorical lightbulb appeared above his head and Phil remembered his objectives. He needed answers. Not an ice pack for his little bumpy-wumpy, but cold, hard answers. But of course, manners first.
"Forget about that for now," he said straightening up. "I need to thank you for saving my life. Another few seconds and I would've been Meow-mix. You even bandaged my wounds for me. I really can't thank you enough."
She looked down in embarrassment. "I-it was nothing, really. I look after animals all the time, so I'm used to treating injuries every once in a while."
"I've never really been injured like this before, but the bandaging feels alright, so I'll have to accept you did a good job. By the way, my name is Phil, and I don't believe I caught your name."
"..." Wingy's gaze drifted downward and she pawed the ground nervously. "Mm name s' fl...sh..."
Phil wasn't quite sure he caught what she said. "I'm sorry, did you say your name was Musty Rye?"
Wingy tried to hide behind her hair...mane...thing in an attempt to look even meeker than she already did. "I said, mm nme s' ..ut....hy."
Phil scratched his ears to make sure he wasn't hearing things. "Busty Guy?"
Busty Guy started shaking. "*eep*"
"Oh, okay, my mistake. You're pretty quiet, y'know? It's nice to meet you, Custard Pie. But I gotta be honest with you, that's a pretty strange name."
She stopped shaking. "Umm...that isn't my na-"
"I mean, I guess it's better than Busty Guy," ignoring her. "But your parents really could've picked a better name, or at least a better topping."
"That's because it isn't m-"
"Maybe raspberry, or lemon cause you're all yellow and stuff."
"Because it's n-"
"Oh, I'm sorry, you must get people saying that a lot, you don't want to hear it from me."
"..." She gave Phil a tired look. She had never been a fan of tomfoolery.
Phil didn't pick up on her frustration. "So Custard, could you tell me where we are?"
Her expression brightened. "Oh, yes, we're in my home right now; it's where I look after all my animals like bunnies and squirrels and-"
Phil, once again, cut her off(so much for manners, eh?). "Whoa, whoa, sorry to interrupt. I'd love to hear your life story another time, but right now I just want to know what country we're in. I get the feeling I'm not in [insert country here] anymore."
"Oh, umm...sorry. Right now, we're in Equestria."
Phil couldn't recall a country called Equestria, but he was never very good at geography. His own personal philosophy was that it was un-patriotic to learn about other countries when he could learn about more important things, like how to find his house on Google maps.
"Just what continent is this 'Equestria' on?"
She stared blankly at him. "Umm...continent?"
Now Phil started to panic. "You know, like the seven large land masses that make up Planet Earth. The continents."
"...Planet Earth?"
Phil felt something in his brain snap. "Uh oh."
Author's Note
Phew, I've finally gotten through the questioning part of this fic. Next chapter, I finally get to dive into the juicy part. The shipping.
Over The Hills and Far Away
When The Levee Breaks
"Come on Spike, hurry up!"
"Alright, I'm coming, I'm coming."
Spike wiped the sleep out of his eyes and crawled out of his ~~picnic basket~~ bed. His little feet trudged over to the impatient mare known as Twilight Sparkle.
"Ugh, remind me why we're going outside at 7 am again."
The purple unicorn rolled her eyes in exasperation. "Spike, I've been telling you about this for a week. For the first time in 600 years, Hayley's Comet passed over Equestria last night. You missed it because, according to you, 'comets are lame'."
Spike yawned and stretched his tail. "I stand by my words. Still, that doesn't really tell me why we're going outside."
She sighed. "Don't you remember, Hayley's Comet is said to cause strange magical phenomena seemly at random. The effects are completely unpredictable and we have to be outside to observe any changes to our surroundings. It didn't seem to negatively affect anypony last time directly, but that doesn't mean the effects couldn't be dangerous this time around."
"Ugh, Twiiiliiighttt," Spike whined. "The effects of Hayley's Comet are just a myth. What actually happened isn't even documented well. Can't we just leave it for now and check it out after I've had my beauty rest? A dragon's gotta look sharp."
Twilight narrowed her eyelids at Spike. "Spike, before Hayley's Comet, the weather managed itself and Princess Celestia's mane was pink. I'm not going to wait just because you want t-"
Twilight was interrupted by a loud beeping noise coming from her saddlebag. Using her magical horn, she levitated a small grey device out of the saddlebag. It showed a reading and an arrow pointing off in the distance.
She gasped. "My Magical Phenomometer is going crazy! I bet it has something to do with the comet." She examined the reading on the device. "I can't say for sure, but according to my Magical Phenomometer, whatever is giving off this signal is somewhere in the Everfree Forest."
"Come on Spike, hop on". She bounced up and down excitedly. "There's no time to lose."
Spiked decided to give up the farce. There was just no arguing with Twilight when she was like this. "Fine," he said pulling out a notepad. "But I'm gonna have to pencil in another nap on Wednesday."
Spike hopped up to ride Twilight (get your mind out of the gutter). "Off we go, Spike," she yelled, galloping off towards the Everfree.
"Phil, is everything alright? You've been staring off into space for the last two minutes."
What Phil said: "Hehe, yeah...absolutely fine...nothing wrong here."
What Phil thought: "OH MY GOD! WHAT THE HELL?! SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT THE EARTH IS! JUST WHERE THE FUCK AM I? WHY AM I IN MY UNDERWEAR?! Okay okay, relax. Freaking out isn't going to get me anywhere, and I'm not sure I should press the planet issue any further. She might think I'm crazy, which I very well might be if this is all in my head. Just play it cool, play it confident play it-WAIT, SERIOUSLY, WHY AM I IN MY UNDERWEAR?!
"Umm...Custard, mind telling me why I'm in my underwear?" said Phil a little bit more abrasively than he intended.
She squeaked. "W-w-well, I had to take off the top part of your clothing because you were injured..."
Phil expression softened. He had completely forgotten she would have had to take off his shirt to dress his wounds. "Oh...yeah...sorry, I forgot you would have ha-"
"And I had to take off the bottom part of your clothing because...well...you kinda...umm...well...peed yourself."
Phil froze up. He felt his face turn 50 shades of red. This girl...err...mare that he had never met before was forced to take off his pee soaked pants. And without any hands, his Sherlock Holmes sense deduced she must have used the one other body part he knew that could grip wet pants: Her mouth.
Realizing Phil's distress, Custard Pie moved in to comfort him. "Uhh, don't worry about that, that manticore that attacked you sat on you pretty hard. You couldn't help that you...uhh..."
Her words weren't helping very much. "All you need to worry about is getting better," she said with a reassuring smile. "Are you hungry? I could go make you something, if you want."
Forgetting his urinated trousers for a moment, Phil realized that he, in fact, was quite hungry. He had never gotten his snacks back on Earth before he fell through his portal porch into pastel world.
"T-t-that would b-be nice," he stammered out. It was pretty rare to have a moment more awkward than talking to somebody who had to change your pee-pee pants. He had wished to keep the amount of people who did that down to his mother. And not even his mother did that with her mouth. Probably.
"I'll bring something up soon." She went to leave the room. She stopped at the doorway. "Oh, if you want to clean up, the shower is just a room over. Just take the bandages off and I'll redress your injuries when you're done."
"Thanks," he said as she left the room. "Clean up?" He thought. "Do I really smell that bad?"
Phil lifted his armpit and took a whiff through his nostrils. His armpit? Could be worse. The rest of him? Nothing but the pungent odour of pure, unadulterated urine.
He cupped his hand to his mouth to prevent himself from throwing up and sprinted to the bathroom.
Twilight and Spike were still hot on the trail of the magic signal. All Twilight could think about were the vast amount of possibilities that the comet's effects could have on the Everfree Forest. Extremely violent manticores? Living trees? Celestia-maned hydras? Anything was possible. All Spike could think about was his name. Why was he named Spike? Isn't that a dog's name? Why couldn't he have a cool dragon name like Thresher, or Alduin, or Stud Muffin. Maybe Twilight would let him change his name. Anything was possible.
"Hey Twilight, do you think I cou-"
"Look at this Spike! Something is different with the ground here."
Spike sighed to himself and got off Twilight's back to examine the ground with Twilight. The ground appeared to indented in a strange shape.
"It...looks like something fell here," said Twilight quizzically.
She looked up from the ground and examined the tree branches above the small crater. They were broken and limply hanging from small strings of wood. She realized they pointed downwards, leading her to believe her theory was correct.
Spike grabbed Twilight's tail to grab her attention. "Uh, Twilight? Are you sure this is the spot? I don't see how something falling has anything to do with Hayley's Comet."
"I'm sure it is, this is the spot my Magical Phenomometer is reacting to. My Phenomometer is never wrong; I made it myself, and tested it in over 30 situations. Something must have happened here and it's our job to figure it ou-Spike! Are you even listening to me?"
He wasn't. "Hey Twilight, check out these weird paw prints. Do you think that these would have anything to with your UFO(unidentified falling object)?"
Twilight held out on reprimanding Spike; that could wait until later. She inspected the ground for these fore mentioned paw prints. They started near the crater and went into the trees.
"I'm not sure Spike, let's check it out."
The two purple inspectors followed the trail of "paw prints" into the trees. They noticed another trail of paw prints go into the woods as well. Perhaps chasing the crater-creator? The kept walking until they came across a broken root.
Spike scratched his chin in thought. "The paw prints end here. What do you think happened to this thing?"
"I'm not sure, Spike," she said noticing the light trail off to the side. "But I intend to find out! Let's follow that trail!"
Spike put his hand in his palm and sighed. "I don't get paid enough for this."
Phil turned on the water to the shower. The shower was smaller than he was used to, but that was to be expected considering the size of Custard Pie. He stripped himself of the urine stained underwear he had on. They stuck to him as they came off his hips. TMI. He'd have to see if she had some bleach or ammonia or something. Phil normally didn't clean things, he just dirtied them. Things seemed to clean themselves for him(his poor mother), and why change the system if it worked. However, he was adamant on cleaning his underwear himself. Custard had cleaned enough of his urine for one day.
He stepped in the shower and felt the lukewarm water hit his skin. He let out a deep sigh of relief. After the incident with Mr. Whiskers, a nice shower felt wonderful. He reached for the soap on the ledge of the shower, but stopped suddenly. Something felt wrong. Well...less wrong, but different. His body was tingling. Ever so slightly, his whole body was tingling. He couldn't explain it. His injuries were fine and the water didn't seem any different than normal water. Phil decided that it was harmless and he couldn't do anything about it, so he would just ignore it and clean up.
He finished washing up and put on the nearest towel. It actually covered him quite nicely if he did say so himself. And he did. He looked around for another towel to dry off, but he couldn't find one, so he let himself drip. Turning to his right, the first thing Phil noticed was small mirror on the wall. The second thing he noticed was his eyes. More specifically, his irises. They were glowing a bright blue, causing a slight glare on the mirror.
"Damn it, I have enough weird shit happening around me, I don't need my body acting up t-"
A vicious growl emitted from his stomach. "Ugh, I really don't care anymore, I just wanna get me some grub. I am one hungry hungry hippo."
He left the bathroom in the bath towel and looked around for Custard Pie.
"Phil, is that you?" Custard called up. "I'm just down the stairs. The food is almost ready; I'm making pancakes."
Phil licked his lips. "Yes, pancakes! I'm coming, Custard!"
He practically floated down the stairs after catching the scent of the pancakes. He got downstairs to see Custard with the handle of a pan in her mouth. She placed it down on a stove and looked over at Phil.
"Phil, I tried to tell you before, my name is Flu...tter...buah." She trailed off at the end of her sentence. She didn't care. She was too busy staring at the full form of the creature standing before her. His well-defined muscles. His beautiful, luminous eyes. His wet, furless skin. He was absolutely irresistible. She couldn't take her eyes of him, and Phil was starting to take notice of it.
"Uhh...what were you saying?" He shifted uncomfortably under her gaze. "And why are your wings doing that?"
Phil's last comment snapped her out of her lustful trance. She looked back to see her wings outstretched and lightly throbbing. She went into a small fit of panic and attempted to push her extended wings down with her hooves. Try as she might, her wings stood rigid.
"I-I-ah-oh-this-err-umm...oh...my."
"Phil raised an eyebrow at her. "Okay then...you said you were making pancakes, right? Mind if I have one? I'm starved."
Custard's eyes lit up in realization. "Oh...well, first, I need to redress your w-wounds, if that's okay with you..."
Phil looked down disappointedly. "Oh yeah...right..."
Custard walked over to the counter beside her stove and grabbed the gauze off the counter top.
"C-could you j-just sit down for a m-moment," she stammered. "It will make it easier t-to bandage your ribs."
He sat down on her floor and watch Custard curiously. She came over to where Phil was sitting and sat down behind him. She reached around with gauze in her hooves(how is that possible?) and touched his ribs. She started feeling them to see where he was injured. Phil thought her hooves lingered on his chest just a little too long, but he figured it was a medical reason. He knew as close to nothing about first aid as possible, so he decided not to say anything to avoid looking stupid.
She finished rapping his ribs and moved on to his ankle. Coming into view, Phil noticed her wings still outstretched, as well as her cheeks flushed a deep red. while she rapped the ankle, he briefly pondered how he could see her cheeks redden through her fur.
"A-all done," she said. "Say Phil," she said taking a step towards Phil. "I've never seen a creature with such a...defined muscle volume such as yours."
It was Phil's turn to blush. "Well...they're not that defined. It's probably just because I don't have fur like other animals."
"...I think they are."
She took yet another step towards Phil putting their faces mere centimetres from each other. This caused Phil to crawl back slightly out of surprise. "C-Custard, w-what are you doing?"
She closed the distance created by Phil. Saying nothing, she stared into his eyes. Those beautiful eyes. She couldn't control herself. She leaned in, their lips coming closer and closer and...
Custard's front door burst open. Twilight Sparkle shot in with a serious look on her face.
"Fluttershy, are you okay? Have you seen a crea...ture? Am I interrupting something?"
Author's Note
I'm happy with the chapter, but not with the chapter title. I couldn't choose the proper led zeppelin title for this, and I'd figure I'd call it "When The Levee Breaks" because it's sort of like fluttershy's shyness barrier, "breaks".
I really have to stop posting these at 3 am.
Over The Hills and Far Away
Nobody's Fault But Mine
Recap-
Short story short: Twi, Shy/Pie, kiss, Phil.
I hope you're up to speed now. Moving on to the action.
Twilight was a smart mare. Her grades were the peak of perfection and her magic was unmatchable by anypony in Equestria, aside from the princesses. She was even good enough from an early age to be accepted as Princess Celestia's own personal student. Ponies would give their left forehoof to be able to comprehend the spells that she could do. However, there was one thing that even she couldn't comprehend. The scene that was currently taking place in front her.
Fluttershy was face to face with a creature she had never seen before, most likely the creature she had been after. This was strange enough as it is, but it wasn't the half of it. She had flat out walked in right on Fluttershy's attempt to kiss the creature in question. Fluttershy! The shyest, most timid pony she knew. The only pony she knew afraid of her own shadow. Fluttershy! She wondered if her tea that morning had been spiked with hallucinogens.
It didn't seem as though Fluttershy was completely aware of what she was doing either, as she snapped out of her romantic trance at the sight of Twilight. Her wings were outstretched or "erect" in scientific terms, and her cheeks were almost as red as Big Macintosh. She looked around wildly, searching for some sort of excuse for Twilight.
"Umm-I-oh-this is-uh-cause-well-umm..."
She looked back at Phil for some help. Unfortunately, Phil was still in a complete paralysis from what almost happened. Just like Twilight, he couldn't even begin to understand the situation, and his face showed it. Fluttershy's heart dropped. He wore an expression of pure confusion. She didn't know what to do in a situation like this. This sort of thing never happened with bunnies. Panicking, she did the one thing she did when things went wrong. She fled.
"*Eeep*" she squeaked, bolting upstairs. Phil heard a door slam shut and the quiet noise of someone crying.
Twilight looked between Phil and the stairs, wondering which issue she should address first. Needing some answers, Twilight chose the crying mare over the befuddled...thing.
"Please excuse me," she apologized, stepping over Phil to get to the stairs. Twilight trotted up the stairs to Fluttershy's room, still trying to get a hold on the situation. She put her ear up to the door and heard Fluttershy weeping into what she figured was a pillow.
"Uhh...Fluttershy, are you alright?"
"NO!" yelled Fluttershy through the door. "I-don't-know-what-came-over-me-and-I-tried-to-kiss-Phil-and-I'm-so-embarrassed-and-" she paused to breathe. "-he-didn't-want-to-and-now-he'll-hate-me-forever!" Fluttershy went back to sobbing.
Twilight huffed. Fluttershy didn't get like this very often, but when she did, consoling her was near impossible. "Is Phil the...never mind. Fluttershy, I'm sure everything's alright. He didn't seem mad, just...startled...kinda like me," adding in the last part discretely. "Just open your door so we can talk abo-"
"No!" she pouted. "I'm never coming out of my room again! I'll just stay in here and look after my animals from inside my room and never talk to anypony again and everything will be fine."
"Fluttershy," she whined.
"No!"
Twilight groaned. This was gonna be a long day.
Spike stood at the doorway to Fluttershy's cottage, not sure what to do. He had been beside Twilight throughout the whole scene, and witnessed everything. He wasn't sure what to make of it all, but he was tired and could think about it later. It was future Spike's problem. However, present Spike had his own problem; what to do about the stunned creature sitting on the floor in a towel. Through everything that happened, he hadn't budged an inch. He just sat there like a deer in the headlights. Did he say headlights? What are those, seriously, what even are those?
He walked up to and poked him in the arm. "Uhh...buddy, are you okay?"
What Phil said: "Oh I'm fine, just dandy."
What Phil thought: "Why me? Why me? Am I being punished for something? Is it because of the time I put a bike lock through my brother's ear lobe extenders? It wasn't my fault, those things were massive, not doing something with them would have been a crime of its own. Why did I have to make the one pers-err...pony that was helping me understand this strange world cry? And why did I have to make the one pony helping me attracted to me?! I didn't even put out! And not only does her head only reach my nipples, I'm not even her species! What does she see in me?! Wait, didn't she say something about owning other animals? Does she do that sort of thing with all her animals? Oh god, don't think about that..."
Spike broke Phil out of his train of thought. "Are you sure? You don't look very 'dandy'."
Phil looked down solemnly. "Ugh, to be honest with you, I'm not. Everything has been so confusing recently, and it's starting to get to me. I mean, look at me. I'm sitting here in a bath towel talking to a talking purple lizard right now and I don't really care all that much."
Spike looked offended. "Hey! I'm a dragon, okay? I'm just a baby still." His tone softened a bit. "And what do you mean by 'everything'?"
"You wouldn't believe me if I told you."
"Uhh, alright I guess. Well, could you at least tell me what you are then? I've never seen any creature like you before, and I was pretty sure I knew all of Equestria's sentient animals."
"So this place is called Equestria," Phil said to himself. "Pff, figures there aren't any other people here. I'm what you would call a human, and from what I can guess, you've probably never heard of me before."
"Yeah, I haven't heard of a 'human' before. How did you know I wouldn't have heard of you before?"
"~~I'm too underground~~ Just a feeling I got. By the way, the name's Phil."
The dragon gave him strange look. "Fill? Fill what?"
"Phil Phillips. Nice to meet you."
Spike snickered. "Phillips? Like the screwdriver?"
Now Phil was offended. "Fine, what's your name then, smart guy?"
"...Spike."
Phil snickered to mimic Spike. "You're making fun of me for my name? Isn't Spike a dog's name?"
"Curse you, Twilight," he thought. "Whatever, what are you doing at Fluttershy's house anyway?"
"Flutterwho?"
"He raised an eyebrow at Phil. "Fluttershy, y'know, the mare that just tried t-"
Spike was interrupted by the sight of Twilight dragging the mare in question down from upstairs in a magical grip. Fluttershy had her hooves covering her eyes in a fetal-like position, while Twilight looked frustrated on account that Fluttershy could put up a good fight when she wanted to. The unicorn levitated Fluttershy back to the ground and motioned her over to Phil.
"Uhh...Phil was it? I think Fluttershy has something she'd like to tell you."
She trembled and took her hooves away from her face. Her eyes were bloodshot from her short crying session. This was a lot more obvious because of Fluttershy's massive eyes. Sniffling, she shakily stood up.
She opened her mouth in an attempt to say something, but the only noise that came out was a faint *eep*.
Twilight huffed yet again. She was being forced to do too many things today she didn't want to do. "Allow me to paraphrase for Fluttershy. She's sorry for trying to...y'know. She can't explain why she did it, but she hopes you'll forgive her." Fluttershy gave a quick nod at the end of Twilight's speech.
"Oh, are you apologizing for what happened before? Forget about it; water under the bridge as they say."
Fluttershy piped up. "You're...you're okay with it?"
"Well you did save my life, so a little error in judgement is no big deal. But more importantly," he said, turning to Twilight. "Who are you and what was it that you were doing with your horn?"
"My name is Twilight Sparkle," she said formally. "And what you just saw is magic."
Phil gave a small laugh. "Wow, magic, why am I not surprised? Even magic exists here. Just one more question. Who's Fluttershy?"
After Twilight lectured Phil on the importance of learning a mare's name before you seduce her, Twilight figured out that Phil, in fact, was the creature she had been searching for. Phil was hesitant at first, but eventually told Twilight about his world and the hell of a last day he had. Twilight was going to have one doozy of a letter to the Princess after this.
"Wow, so you really come from a world where the only sentient inhabitants are human?"
"Yep."
"And Hayley's Comet really opened a portal from your front porch to Equestria?"
"Probably."
"And Fluttershy's been taking care of you ever since?"
"Twilight, we've been over this twelve times now, yes to everything!"
"Okay, okay, one more question."
Phil was getting irritable. She had been at this for the last half hour. He didn't even get to eat his pancakes cause they were forgotten about on the stove and burned. Rest in peace, you beautiful flaps of batter.
"Have you seen or felt any lasting effects of the comet on your body?"
Phil thought about it for a moment and realized he had forgotten about something completely. The tingling sensation. It was barely noticeable when it was there, so he didn't notice when it stopped. Getting up, Phil looked around and located the nearest shiny object he could find. He saw a vase that would do nicely. Phil put his head close to the vase to see if his irises were still illuminated. He couldn't see anything in his eyes, and there wasn't a glare on the vase so it was safe to assume his eyes were back to normal.
"Uhh...do you think you could take a look at Fluttershy's vases later, Phil? I was kinda in the middle of asking you a question."
"That's just it, I remember before when I got into the shower earlier, my skin went tingly and my eyes were glowing. None of that is happening anymore for some reason."
Twilight jotted a few notes down on a notepad. "Interesting...did either of those things happen to you before you got in the shower?"
"Not that I recall."
"Hmm". Twilight thought about it for a moment. "I wonder, was it purely coincidental, or did something about Fluttershy's shower cause you to display the side effects of Hayley's Comet?"
As Twilight goes back into thought, let's bring the story back to Fluttershy. Fluttershy was usually a very calm, kind patient mare. She nurtured critters, small and large alike, and did her best to be as nice to everypony as she could, but she wasn't feeling particularly kind right now. Nor happy for that matter. Phil had brushed what she did off as an 'error in judgement' and said nothing else about it. Sure, she had wanted him to overlook it, but not ignore her completely to talk to that Phil-stealing mare, Twilight Sparkle-
She mentally chastised herself. Twilight was her friend, she shouldn't be thinking about her like that. But she couldn't help it. Watching Twilight and Phil talk was bringing up an emotion Fluttershy didn't have much experience with. Jealousy.
Deciding she wanted in on the conversation, she filled up(or Philled up if you like puns) a glass of water for Phil as an excuse to talk to him. She walked into the living room, edge of the glass in mouth.
"Phhil, woulb vyou lke fome vwat-" Fluttershy stopped as she tripped over a carrot lying on the floor, causing the water in the glass to find its way into Phil's face.
Phil wiped some water off his face. "Well...I would've wanted some anyway."
"Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry, I'll go get you something to dry off." Fluttershy flew into the kitchen looking for a towel.
Phil looked over at Twilight who was trying to conceal her laughter, but ultimately failing.
"Oh laugh it up, Miss Twilight. Real ni-"
He went silent, looking surprised. Twilight took notice.
"Uhh, Phil, is everything alright?"
"The tingling! The tingling is back! Right after Fluttershy threw that water in my face, the tingling came back."
Phil got up from his chair and went back over to the shiny vase. His eyes were aglow again, shining just like they did when he got out of the shower.
"My eyes are even glowing; does it have something to do with water?" He thought out loud.
"That would certainly be a strange side effect," Twilight added. "Hayley's Comet was said to have strange effects on ponies last time I came around, so this was to be expected. At least it doesn't appear to be dangero-ah-buahh..."
Gazing into Phil's eyes, Twilight trailed off. She was mesmerized; she couldn't look away or even think about anything else. What was her name again? She didn't know why she didn't see it before. He was gorgeous! More gorgeous than any stallion or mare she had ever seen. And she had to have him.
"Uhh, Twilight, weren't you saying something?"
"Oh...yes! I was just saying how uhh...the effects could be dangerous, so I'll have to examine you. Yep, that's what I have to do!" She giggled nervously at the last part.
Twilight got off her chair and hopped up onto his. She sat her rump down right on Phil's lap, something Phil wasn't entirely comfortable with.
"Ack, T-Twilight, there isn't much space on this chair, can you get up?"
"Don't worry," she said playfully. "I'll try not to take too long." She flashed him a seductive smile. "I just have to check your body to make sure nothing's wrong with it."
Phil worried. Phil worried a lot. He was getting a majorly bad vibe from this situation and he was vaguely aware that the only thing separating Twilight's rump from his family jewels was a bath towel. It wasn't particularly thick either.
"Hmm, I really can't tell conclusively. I think this calls for a little 'experimentation' ". She wrapped her hooves around Phil's neck and stared right into his eyes. Her eyes were hungry, just waiting for something, or someone to devour.
Phil panicked. "Nopenopenope! I'd really rather not!"
Twilight put her tongue to the bottomed of his neck and slowly trailed it up. Phil couldn't see any way to escape.
"Is this really how it ends?" Phil said dramatically.
"TWILIGHT!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"
Both Phil and Twilight turned to see an enraged Fluttershy clenching her teeth in anger.
"O-oh, Fluttershy!" Twilight said nervously. "This...isn't what it looks like?"
Author's Note
Leave me a comment telling me how I did on this chapter. Any advice that would help my story would be greatly appreciated.
Modified it to teen-sex tag because of the raciness of this and probably the next few chapters.
Over The Hills and Far Away
How Many More Times
"Fluttershy, please?"
"No."
"Pretty please?"
"No!"
Twilight lay on the floor, tied up intricately in a web of rope. After catching Twilight near-raping Phil, Fluttershy hadn't taken it very well. Trying to avoid the wrath of Psychoshy, she had made a break for it, but the enraged mare tackled her to the floor. She hadn't really thought Fluttershy was actually going to do anything, but that changed when Fluttershy yelled "Angel, get mama's rope, we have some tying to do." That rabbit could sure tie a mean knot. She found herself hogtied and bound within seconds. In her horny frenzy, Twilight didn't even think to teleport out of it. She struggled to get out, but only ended up tightening the knots, which really just made her hornier.
"I swear Fluttershy, I'm okay now. Can you please untie me?"
"Then Pinkie promise that you won't touch Phil!"
"I...err...drat."
Fluttershy gave her the disciplining mother look. "Twilight, I will not tolerate ponies doing those...t-things...to my guests in my house."
"Isn't that a little hypocritical? You did the exact same thing to Phil like 40 minutes ago."
"...That's different."
Twilight deadpanned. "How?"
"...It just is, okay?"
"Ease up on her, Fluttershy."
The two mares turned to see Phil in his bath towel drying himself with small cloth. He walked over and got on his knees so he was eye level with Fluttershy. He stared Fluttershy in the eyes.
"Fluttershy, are my eyes glowing?"
She frowned slightly. "Umm, no they aren't."
Phil smirked. "That's what I thought. I felt myself stop tingling after I dried off too". He looked over at the struggling Twilight. "I have a theory. It might sound a bit crazy, but every fricking thing that's happened to me here has been a bit crazy, so I think that gives it some merit. I think that the comet that brought me here might have given me some weird power that only activates when I'm wet. That power is up for debate, but so far, I'm thinking it makes me irresistible to you ponies."
Fluttershy gasped. "So when I tried to..."
"Yeah, you were under the influence of this power. I had just gotten out from the shower, so I was still wet. And with Twilight, you had just splashed me with a glass of water. All this is leading me to believe that whenever I get wet, I attract ponies. Now there is one more theory I want to test," he said still looking at Twilight.
Twilight knew where this was going. Well, at least she thought she did. "Oh, there's something you wanna test with me? I'm all yours, Comet Boy." She added a wink at the end.
Phil blushed lightly and looked away from her. "That's not exactly what I meant. I wanted to see if drying off made the power deactivate."
Twilight giggled. "Well I guess your second theory is incorrect, cause I still want you to come over here and lick my-"
She froze up. "My...my...m-OH MY GOSH WHAT AM I SAYING? WHAT WAS I DOING?" She put her head down in shame. "Somepony kill me, please."
"Twilight, I'll tell you the same thing I told Fluttershy; don't worry about it. It was the comet's effect that made you do all...that. I'm just glad you're not trying to mount me anymore". He turned to Fluttershy. "Do you mind untying her now?"
"Oh, okay Phil. Twilight, I'm so sorry I had to be so harsh with you. I just wasn't sure what you'd do if I let you go."
Twilight smiled at her friend. "Don't apologize Fluttershy, you saved me! I don't know what I would've done either...well I do, but I REALLY would've regretted doing it. Oh the laws I would've broken with him...well, thank you for restraining me."
Fluttershy began untying Twilight while Phil scoured the room for his clothing. He was starting to feel a tad uncomfortable around the two ponies who had just come on to him while being only in a bath towel.
"Umm, Phil, do you need something?"
"Yeah, I was just wondering what you did with my clothing."
"Oh, after I washed the...urine out of your clothes, I left them hanging outside on a clothespin."
Phil shuddered remembering his "accident". "T-thanks Fluttershy, I'm gonna go grab them quick."
There were very few times that Phil had to go "commando" as they called it, but he never liked it. Sure, there was freedom of sorts at first, but that freedom didn't make up for the chafing. Getting a boner without underwear was a death sentence too, but he couldn't see how anything in this "Equestria" would be able to arouse him. As much as he hated going commando, he'd rather that than move around in his own piss. He'd have to be careful with his zipper.
Walking back into the living room, Phil saw Twilight and Fluttershy discussing something in hushed tones. Twilight, noticing Phil's presence, went over to talk to him.
"Phil, great timing! We were just talking about what we were going to do about you and that power of yours. We decided that I'm going to take you back to my library to work out the specifics of your powers, and seeing how you're still injured, you're going to live with Fluttershy for now so she can take care of you."
Phil looked unimpressed. "Wow, do I happen to get a say in any of this?"
"Well, seeing how you're homeless technically, as well as dangerous to the mares of Ponyville, not really."
Phil cracked a smile. "...Ponyville?"
Phil fell back on the ground laughing. "HA! PONYVILLE! You ponies actually decided to call your town Ponyville?! That's gotta be the worst town name I've ever heard! Man, I would've loved to be at the meeting for picking the town name. 'Hey everybody, I've got a great idea. Let's name our town after our own species!' 'Oh, marvellous name, Jacob! Where ever did you get that idea?' 'It's what I did with my son, isn't that right Pony Joe?' 'I hate you so much Dad'. Woah, cracks me up just thinking about it."
Twilight rolled her eyes. "Alright, if you've had your fun insulting our town's legacy, let's go. We have a lot of work to do". She ran into the kitchen and came back with a slumbering Spike drooped over her back. "He didn't even do anything and he still fell asleep. I probably have the laziest assistant in all of Equestria," she said smiling. "Still, he's such a cute dragon."
Nothing was really said much over the walk to Ponyville. Phil was getting nervous thinking about walking into a town where nobody had ever seen his species before, and Twilight still felt too embarrassed about what she did to Phil. God she hoped he didn't tell anypony. Particularly her alabaster fashionista friend with a hobby for gossip. She wouldn't be able to show her face in town ever again.
However, they pulled into town and Phil finally started seeing other ponies. Ponies manning vendors, ponies eating, ponies walking around. He was pretty sure he saw one pony swimming in a jar of jelly. Is that normal here? They were all a multitude of colours, hues and shapes. From what he could tell, there were three types of ponies. Pegasi like Fluttershy, unicorns like Twilight, and regular ponies. Man, those regular ponies sure got the short end of the straw.
As Twilight and Phil got further into town, Phil could feel a few eyes on him. Being two heads taller than most of the ponies here, he'd expected far more attention, but it seemed many of them could care less what he was. He wondered what kind of things went on in this town for the townsfolk to barely even acknowledge him.
"Well, here we are," Twilight said stopping at the door of a tree...wait what? Phil looked up to see a tree with a couple of windows and a balcony. "Come on in."
They stepped through the doors into a spacious area. Books aligned the walls on every side. Books in a tree? Phil was getting his daily dose of irony just being here. He still had to admit that it was incredible. He'd never in his life think he'd be standing in a hollowed out tree building.
"Make yourself at home," Twilight said, plopping Spike down on a nearby couch. Phil took a seat on a nearby sofa and had to wonder at his surroundings. He had never seen so many books in one place before, but Phil had never been much of a reader anyway, so that didn't surprise him much. Books weren't his thing. If he had a question Wikipedia couldn't solve, it didn't exist.
"So Twilight, what kind of tests are we gonna do on these powers or whatever?"
"Well, we have to confirm your two theories about your power. Although they very probably work how you said they work, we need to make sure. So I'm going to need to get you wet around another mare(boy, that sounds dirty) and record the results."
"Wait," Phil said bewildered. "We're gonna test these powers on more ponies?!"
"Of course," she said as a matter of fact. "How can we avoid your powers if we don't know their specifics? But who should we use as a control?"
Just then, something travelling at a high velocity smashed into the side of the library, knocking several of the books out of place. Twilight appeared surprised at first, but that surprise quickly changed to anger, and then again to a mischievous smile. "Phil, I think we just found our control."
Almost as if on cue, a pony flew into the library from the window on the next floor. She descended slowly, clutching her head with a hoof. The pony in question was a Pegasus pony, with a cyan coat and a mane and tail of every colour. Her magenta eyes scanned the room, looking at the damage she had caused.
"Sorry Twi," she said in a strained voice. "I was getting the hang of this cool new trick, but I ended up not watching where I was going and crashed into the side of the library. Everything okay?"
"That's okay Rainbow," Twilight said through clenched teeth. "But you did knock down a lot of my books again, so do you mind helping me out with something to compensate?"
Thinking she had to help clean up, the prismatic mare got nervous. "Uhh, sure I guess...what do you have in mind?"
"Could you stay where you are and look at him for a few moments?" She said pointing her hoof at Phil. "I'll be back in a second."
She jumped back a bit. "Woah, didn't see you there big guy. What's your name?"
"I'm Phil, apparently Equestria's only human."
The cyan pony raised an eyebrow. "Fill? Fill what?"
"Phil Phillips, and who would you be?"
"Me?" She smirked. "I'm only Equestria's fastest pony to ever live! The name's Rainbow Dash."
Phil chuckled at that. "Hmm, fastest pony alive and a rainbow coloured mane. Your parents really must've had a tough time picking your name."
"Ha, what about yours? Your first and last name are almost identical."
Phil huffed. "My parents just had a weird sense of humour, one that I will never inherit. I never want another child to experience the pain and suffering of two almost-identical names."
Twilight took the opportunity to come back after Phil's pity party, holding an object in her magical grasp. "Well, I see you two are hitting it off just fine. That's great. It makes what I'm about to do all the easier."
Twilight floated the object over closer to Phil, and Phil looked at the object in sheer horror. It was a glass of water.
"W-wait a second T-Twilight, we aren't r-ready to do t-this yet! Rainbow doesn't know about the comet's effects yet and I'm not mentally prepared for this!"
However, Phil's cries fell on deaf ears. Without pity or remorse, Twilight the vengeance Sparkle tipped the glass of water onto Phil's head soaking him completely. "It's better if Rainbow doesn't know anything. It'll be less biased that way."
"Hey Twilight, why'd you do that to h-ack!-wait! Where are you going?" Rainbow's questions also fell on deaf ears. Twilight ran into her kitchen as fast as she could.
"What the heck was that?" Said Rainbow curiously. "One moment she's telling me to watch you, the next she's dumping water on your-...wait, why are your eyes glowing like th-...woah...sweet mother of Celestia..."
Rainbow Dash's wings stood full at attention, clearly very stimulated in some way. The effect was kicking in already. Phil could tell. Fluttershy's wings had done the exact same thing.
"TWILIGHT, TWILIGHT HELP ME, HER WINGS ARE OUT! I KNOW THAT'S NOT GOOD, HURRY UP AND HELP ME!"
If Rainbow's wings didn't say "I'm going to rape you", her eyes sure did. They had in some way, shaped themselves to look like pink cartoony hearts. Rainbow took a stance, ready to pounce on her prey.
"MOMMY!!!"
Rainbow Dash smiled. She smiled the most dirty, lust-filled smile that has ever been smiled by something that had the ability to smile. Did I mention that she smiled?
"I'll be your 'Mommy' alright!"
She dived straight at Phil, but was stopped suddenly by a purple aura of magic. Twilight came out of the kitchen with a towel wrapped around her eyes, her horn alit with a purple spark.
"Well that confirms one of my theories about the effect. For it to affect you, one must look at your glowing eyes first, or else it won't cause the attraction."
Phil lay backed up against the nearest wall, panting for air. "Okay...hah...are we done...hah...here? I've had enough...hah...of this damn...hah...power."
Twilight giggled. "Of course not. We still have to test the other aspects of this ability. I'd say we still have another...16 or 17 more test runs before we're done."
Phil's jaw dropped. It dropped further than any jaw that has ever had the ability to drop has dropped. Did I mention the dropping?
"...This is gonna be a long day..."
Over The Hills and Far Away
In The Evening
"All right, that just about does it Phil. I've tested every possible aspect of the comet's effect, and I think I've finally determined the specifics on it."
"Thank God, it's all over." Phil set the chair down that he had been using as a shield and dropped to the sofa. He was exhausted. He hadn't actually done much other then getting splashed in the face during the tests, but you'd be surprised what two hours of non-stop adrenaline does to a partially injured man. Being stuck in the library with an extremely aroused Rainbow Dash can really get the heart going as well. It was a little like being underwater with a shark in a shark cage, except the cage was Twilight's magic and the shark was just a horny Pegasus. The same dangers still applied...mostly.
He turned over on the sofa to see Rainbow Dash flat out on her back, breathing heavily. Apparently two hours of non-stop horniness had similar effects. He'd have felt sorry for her, but it's a lot harder to pity someone after 120 minutes of them shouting, "I'm gonna rut you until I can't walk!". Still, it wasn't her fault. She was just an unfortunate soul who happened to tick Twilight off on the wrong day. Jeez that unicorn's sense of revenge is twisted. Her philosophy must have run something along the lines of "you push me, I smash your face in with my neighbour's lawn mower." Phil made a mental note to keep Twilight as happy as possible.
"Good news Phil, I've written up a working set of rules that pertain to your powers," said Twilight excitedly. "They go as followed":
Phil's powers activate when coming in contact with water with a delay of about 3-5 seconds
After becoming wet, drying off fully will neutralize the effect within 5-10 seconds
There must be a minimum of 50 millilitres of water that comes into contact with Phil for his powers to activate
The effect will only affect a pony if she makes eye contact with him when the effect is active
Even if still wet, the effect can only stay active for 22-24 minutes
Same time rules from 5 applies to both Phil and the affected mare
"With these rules," she continued. "We can avoid a lot of disastrous situations. Could you imagine if it happened in public and we didn't know what to do about it? About 90% of Ponyville's populace are mares; you would practically seduce the entire town!" She said with a nervous giggle at the end.
"Well, speaking of that," said Phil. "You keep saying that this effect will only occur in mares , right? How do we know it doesn't work on male ponies as well?"
Twilight considered Phil's words for a moment. "Stallions? You know what, you're right! I guess we better get another test subje-"
"No no no, that's quite alright," Phil hastily interjected. "I bet the same rules still apply, so let's not waste anymore time, okay?"
Twilight sighed. "Fine fine, no more tests. By the way, you said you were hungry back at Fluttershy's, right? Would you like to get something to eat? My treat!"
Phil felt excitement for the first time since meeting Twilight. He hadn't eaten at all since he came to Equestria, and he'd been feeling particularly hungry ever since he saw the charred remains of Fluttershy's pancakes. God bless their starchy souls. "That sounds great! Can we go now? I'm so hungry, I feel like I could eat a hor-...hor...hor-HORNET! Yeah...like a really big hornet! Hehe..." He trailed off. Phil felt that expression wasn't so appropriate in this world.
"O...kayyy...I guess that means you're pretty hungry then." Twilight looked over at the tired form of Rainbow Dash. "And I suppose I should treat her as well. I feel bad for putting her through all that."
Rainbow Dash raised her head, still breathing heavily. "Thanks...hah...Twilight...and...hah...up yours...hah...Twilight."
The three left the library, Phil carrying Rainbow Dash on his back on her request. Phil had a sneaking suspicion that she could walk herself, but she was light and he didn't want to dawdle, so he held his complaints. Twilight had told them that they were going to a place that had just recently opened up, called Manehatten Style Sandwiches. Phil almost gagged on the terrible horse pun of his world's own city. It was pretty unoriginal ~~kinda like a Human in Equestria~~ and Phil was really not caring about the resemblance of this world to his own. That was Future Phil's problem. The Present Phil was much more concerned about filling the black hole which was his stomach.
Meanwhile, the mind of Rainbow Dash was ablaze with thought. Twilight's rules about Phil's power stated that the effect only lasted about 22-24 minutes, tops. So why couldn't she stop thinking about Phil and his stupid, sexy body? Although she didn't have the strong urge to rut him into next week like she did before, his face was still implanted in her mind, and she had mixed feelings about that. And why, oh why, did she say she couldn't walk? Sure, she was tired, but somepony as awesome as Rainbow Dash could've still flown laps if she needed to. Walking wasn't an issue, yet she made Phil carry her. He was so warm...wait, why was she thinking about that again?
She stared at the back of Phil's head. He had a mane, but he didn't have a coat. What was up with that? And what were those things at the end of his hooves? Were they like what Spike had? And why in the name of Celestia was she pressing her muzzle into his mane? It was so wrong. She didn't even know what kind of species a "human" was. But his mane smelled just like chestnuts. Did she mention how wrong this was?
"Here it is," Twilight said, stopping. "I haven't been here myself, but I've heard the reviews are very positive." The three walked inside the establishment to see a 1950's style diner. Checkered tiles covered the floor and the walls were a similar colour to Rainbow Dash herself. A well dressed pony stood at a counter looking over guest reservations for the night. Twilight trotted up to the counter to talk to him. "A table for three, please."
"Yes, right away, madam. Inside or outside?"
Twilight normally enjoyed a good meal indoors, but considering the enormous bipedal creature that was with them, she thought it best not to draw the attention of the other restaurant-goers. "Outside, please."
The waiter pony nodded. "Follow me."
The trio followed the waiter pony outside over to a medium sized table with a large umbrella sprouting from the centre. Twilight found a chair while Phil pried Rainbow off his back and set her in a chair. Phil went to sit down himself, but comparing his butt to the size of the chair, realized the chair wasn't going to cut it. He looked awkwardly over at the waiter pony. His face lit up, understanding Phil's predicament.
"O-oh, yes sir, please wait one moment." The waiter pony quickly ran into the restaurant and emerged carrying a medium sized crate on his back. "Will this d-do, s-sir?" He said, struggling against the weight of the crate.
Phil grabbed the crate off the poor waiter pony and sat it down at the table. "Uhh...yeah this'll do. Thank you."
Phil sat down and the waiter pony pulled out a pen and notepad. "What would you three like today?"
Twilight piped up. "Umm, we've actually never been here before. Could you recommend a sandwich for us?"
The waiter pony thought for a moment. "Well, we have a sandwich of the day, would you all like to try that?"
"Sure," said Twilight. "Three sandwiches of the day."
"Good choice, madam. I'll return shortly with your sandwiches". The waiter pony turned and went inside. While walking back, Phil noticed something on the waiter's thigh. It was a tattoo of a silver platter. Phil had noticed tattoos in similar spots on every pony he had met and was starting to wonder about them. Were they some sort of ritual indoctorating ponies into a strange religious cult? The question begged answering.
"Hey, guys," Phil started. "What's with the tattoos on everyone's thighs? Do they mean something?"
Twilight turned her head slightly. "Tattoos? Oh, you mean our Cutie Marks? A Cutie Mark is something a pony receives when he or she discovers their special talent."
"Special talent?" Phil said quizzically.
"Yeah!" Rainbow said, joining the conversation. "My special talent is flying, while Twilight's special talent is magic."
Phil looked down at Rainbow Dash's Cutie Mark. It was a cloud with a rainbow lightning bolt through it. "Uhh, no offence, but your Cutie Mark or whatever doesn't look much like flying. Wouldn't a Cutie Mark of a pony who's special talent is flying be something like...I don't know...a wing?"
Rainbow gave him an angry glare. "Hey! My Cutie Mark is awesome! They don't need to look that much like the talent...they just have to vaguely resemble it..."
Phil was startled by her outburst. It was like he had just called her grandmother fat of something. "Err-sorry. I didn't know you ponies felt so strongly about your Cutie Marks."
"We don't," interjected Twilight. "Rainbow's just sensitive."
"Am not!" she pouted.
"Anyway, Phil, are you saying humans don't have Cutie Marks? You're always wearing clothing of some sort, so I never saw it, but I just assumed you had one as well."
"No, humans just have to pick something to do and hope they'll be good at it to some extent. I gotta admit, having a Cutie Mark would be pretty useful, if it wasn't for the girly name of it."
The two mares giggled. "Yes, it's pretty unfortunate that nopony has ever gotten a Cutie Mark in naming things. We have a couple things that could use new names."
Just then, the waiter pony came in the light with three sandwiches and a bottle. He placed them all in front of the threesome and addressed them. "Is there anything else you will be needing today?"
"No, I think we're good here," responded Rainbow. The waiter departed with a bow of his neck.
Phil was ravenous. He finally could get some food in this pastel land of madness and he couldn't be happier. He picked up his sandwich and bit off as much as he could in one bite. Upon chewing it, he found it peculiarly dry. Very very peculiarly dry. He looked into the remaining sandwich he had and immediately found out why. There was hay in the sandwich. The sandwich he was eating contained actual hay. He tried to spit it out, but the hay was already too far down his throat. He had eaten hay.
"BLEAH!" He wiped his tongue. "Why the hell was there hay in my sandwich?!"
Rainbow frowned at him. "What's wrong with hay?"
"What's wrong with hay?" He said. "Hay isn't something humans eat! Hay is for hor-" he paused. Apparently a lot of his phrases had to do with horses. He should probably stop using those.
"Oh, sorry," Twilight apologized. "I wasn't aware that humans didn't eat hay."
His anger quickly faded when he saw Twilight's eyes. Her eyes told him she was legitimately sorry for something she couldn't possibly have been aware of without asking. "It's...it's fine," he said disappointed. He looked over at the bottle that the waiter pony had left on the table. "Well, at least the waiter left a drink for us". Phil uncapped the bottle and took a swig of it.
Twilight stuck out a hoof to try and stop Phil, but it was too late. "W-wait Phil, that isn't a drink, it's-"
"HOOOOOTTTTT!!!"
"...Hot sauce..."
After the three had eaten and Phil had soothed his burning tongue, they headed back to Twilight's library. Spike greeted them when they entered the door.
"Hey you guys, where were you?"
Twilight responded. "Just getting something to eat Spike. Did you just wake up?"
"Nah, I got up around 1 o'clock."
Rainbow Dash stepped between the two. "Wait, Spike, what time is it now?"
Spike scratched his head. "I'm not sure...maybe like 2:30?"
Rainbow gasped. "Oh no! I should've been napping 2 hours ago!" With that, Rainbow sped off out the door.
And then there were three.
Phil went dizzy just watching her leave. "Jeez, that girl sure is fast."
Twilight giggled. "Yep, Rainbow Dash really is one of the fastest mares in Equestria". She looked down. "Phil, you can go back over to Fluttershy's if you want. She probably has something there you could eat. I've got a lot of work to do anyway, so I wouldn't mind..."
Phil pondered for a moment. "That sounds good! I'll get out of your hair then."
"Alright Phil, see you later! I'll write to my mentor about your situation. She might have a solution that'll stop that effect of yours."
Phil smiled. "Cool! Thank you! I'll be seeing you Twilight," he said with a wave. And with that, he was gone.
Twilight simply stood there for a moment. "Spike, can you grab some paper and a quill? I need you to take a letter."
"Sure Twilight". Spike scampered upstairs to grabbed the required materials.
Twilight huffed to herself. "I don't get it. Phil wasn't splashed with water while we were together. I didn't even look into his eyes. So why do I feel this way about him?"
Author's Note
A bit of a more laid back this chapter. Prepare yourselves for some naughtier things next chapter. Peace out.
Over The Hills and Far Away
In The Evening
"It was this left, wasn't it?"
Phil was in a bit of a pickle. After departing Twilight's tree house of horror, Phil had set his course to Fluttershy's cottage. Unfortunately, he made the mistake of thinking he knew how to set his course anywhere, and quickly found himself lost and alone in the colourful town of Ponyville. If that wasn't bad enough, he was starting to feel less than welcome. The townsfolk of Ponyville didn't seem to mind him when he was under the supervision of Twilight Sparkle, but it was a different story when he was out and about on his own. He didn't want to ask for directions, but he had been wandering the town for half an hour and decided to call it quits.
He noticed a cream coloured mare with an auburn mane watering some plants beside a shop. "Meh, she'll do."
Phil walked over to her, trying not to look directly at her. "Uhh, excuse me miss, do you know-" he was cut off with a high pitched squeal. The mare stared at him with terrified eyes.
"M-M-M-MONSTER!" She screamed, dropping her watering pail as she sped off into the nearby shop. The door to the shop slammed shut with a solid *thud*.
Phil was too stunned to move. "W-wait, I just wanted to ask for directions!" There was a few moments of silence. Slowly, the door creaked back open. The mare cautiously trotted out of the store.
Phil relaxed, thinking he managed to coax her out. "Phew, thanks, I'm really lost and-". The mare got close enough to Phil to grab her watering pail and grasping the pail in her teeth, quickly bolted back into the shop.
He sighed. "I think I'm starting to dislike this town..."
Phil wasn't having much luck with the directions. He attempted to ask other ponies, but they all screamed and said something along the lines of, "please don't hurt me! I have a family!". Phil was starting to lose any hope he had of eating a solid meal. He couldn't even remember his way back to Twilight's tree fort of ferociousness. The sun was starting to set.
"Damn it!" He shouted tiredly. "What the hell am I gonna do?"
"Hi!"
"Baah!" Phil jumped. He whipped his head around to see who startled him. They had to be pretty sneaky, because he didn't even hear them coming. To his surprise, he didn't see anyone.
"Huh," he said to himself. "Was it just my imagination?"
"Nope!"
"Waah!" Phil whipped his head around again to catch his surpriser. This time he did. There stood a pony that was near-completely pink except for her deep blue eyes. Her mane and tail greatly resembled cotton candy and she had a smile wider than the Wal-Mart smiley face.
"What're you?" she asked bluntly.
"Uhh, I'm a human," he said still shocked by the mare's stealth.
"Ooh, ooh, I'm a pony!" She said practically bouncing. "What's your name?"
"P-Phil". The mare's eagerness was making him uncomfortable.
"Fill? Fill what?"
"Jeez, why does everybody ask that? Is Phil such a weird name?"
"Well, it wouldn't be if we knew what you were filling. Ooh, and what you're filling it with. Like, I bet if you were filling what you were filling with candy, it wouldn't be weird at all! *gasp* If you're filling something with candy, does that mean you're filling a piñata? Can I play? Can I, can I?
"..." Phil could only stare at the hyperactivity of the pony talking to him. She was almost hypnotizing.
"Oh, sorry, I got sidetracked there a bit," she said with a giggle. "What are you doing in Ponyville? Are you visiting somepony?"
"Actually, I'm staying with a mare named Fluttershy. Speaking of that, do you happen to know how to get to her house by any chance?"
She smiled even wider, if that was even possible. "Oh my gosh! Fluttershy is one of my bestest friends in all of Equestria!" She reached in her mane and pulled out a piece of paper. "These are directions to her place," she said giving the paper to Phil.
Phil wondered just why this mare had directions to her friend's place and why she kept it in her mane, but didn't care enough to inquire about it. He just wanted to get the hell out of Ponyville and get a decent meal.
"Thanks err...what was your name?"
"I'm Pinkie Pie, nice to meet you Mr. Phil Phillips Human. You better be ready next time we meet cause I'm gonna throw you the most party-rific welcoming party ever!"
This mare surprised Phil once again. "Wow...err...thanks a lot..."
"No problem! I've gotta go a feed my pet alligator now, but I'll see you later. Bye Phil!"
And with that, Pinkie Pie sprinted down the road to feed an alligator. "She was...interesting..." Phil said to himself. What she was didn't matter at this point. She gave him directions, and he was at least thankful for that.
He read the directions Pinkie gave him and put his fist in the air. "TO FOOD-I mean Fluttershy's...God I'm hungry..."
"Finally, there it is!"
Phil let out a triumphant groan as he got near Fluttershy's cottage. Boy he hoped she had something lying around the house to eat. He felt a little bad for mooching off the Pegasus, but his hunger overpowered his guilt. Phil sauntered up to the door and knocked hastily.
"Fluttershy! It's Phil! Open up! If I don't get food soon I'm gonna start eating your front door!"
Phil faintly heard her voice from the other side of the door. "O-oh, y-you're back...just one moment, I need to...umm..."
"Pleaseee open up Fluttershy," he whined.
For a few seconds, there was nothing but silence. "...oh...okay..."
The door creaked open to reveal Fluttershy in a not so normal outfit:
"Uhh, Fluttershy, what's up with the bunny getup?"
She blushed furiously. "W-what, you m-mean t-this? I-I just wear t-this when I'm...checking on bunnies in their burrows. Yeah!" She laughed nervously. "It makes them feel more...umm...at home. I can t-take it off...i-if you want..."
Phil shot her a raised eyebrow. "...No it's fine, I just wanted to know why you were all dressed up, that's all".
"Oh, okay Phil". What Phil didn't know was that Fluttershy had a secret behind those cute bunny ears. A secret she would tell no one, except the narrator of this story. Fluttershy sort of had a thing for playing with her cutsy wutsy rabbits, while dressed up like one herself. It made her feel closer to her animals, like she was part of a club. She also liked to wear the bunny-wear afterwards when nopony was around...and when she slept. Okay, so admittedly she wore her bunny-wear whenever she got the chance, but can you really look at her in that costume and tell her that she shouldn't? No, I didn't think so.
Funnily enough, Phil had a similar opinion. Even he had to admit that Fluttershy was adorable in those ears. He had a strong urge to cuddle up with her like a teddy bear, but considering what she had tried this morning, he felt it might be taken the wrong way. Still, he'd like to at least pinch her cheeks...y'know, the ones on her face. Maybe after he had something to eat.
"Fluttershy, I'm completely starved, do you have any food lying around by any chance?" he asked drooling slightly.
"Well, I think I do, but would you rather have dinner? It's already done, and I made it special just for you. Humans can eat mashed potatoes, right?"
Phil stared at Fluttershy like she was some kind of bunny-eared goddess. Being roughly 75% Irish, Phil liked to consume a potato or two or seven every once in a while. It was in his blood, just like high alcohol tolerance and bits and pieces of Lucky Charms.
It was then Phil spied with his little eye, something that was tasty. It was the mash potatoes, sitting on the counter, just waiting to be devoured. He didn't know how he didn't smell them earlier. Phil looked back and forth between the bowl and Flutterbunny. "C-can I really e-eat them?" he said, shaking with excitement.
She said nothing, but gave a quick nod. Phil was seated and eating the potatoes faster than you could say "wow, that boy probably shouldn't eat that fast". The bowl had been quite large, but Phil in his hungered state managed to polish off every last bit of potato within 2 minutes. He sat back in his chair and patted his filled belly.
"Phew, Fluttershy, you are really something, you know that? Those were some of the best mashed potatoes I've ever had! Not too runny, but also not too thick. And just the right amount of butter too! You sure know how to cook." Phil could see her tuck her head in behind her mane, as if hiding from the compliment. Phil turned to her with a pleasant smile on his face. "Really, if you ever need any help with anything a human is capable of assisting you with, please don't hesitate to ask."
Fluttershy suddenly stood rigid. "A-anything?" she asked nervously.
Phil was too content to recognize the ominous nature of the question. "Anything your little bunny heart desires! Well, at least anything I'm capable of."
She stared straight down and lightly pawed at the ground with her hoof. "Then...could you g... me . ma...ge..."
"You want me to rid you of orange? Seems like a strange request, but alright. Where do you want me to start?"
She huffed silently, not wanting to play the mishearing game again like with what happened with her name. "I said," she started. "Could you give me a m-massage?"
Phil's eyes lit up, realizing the nature of the question she asked. Seeing this, Fluttershy quickly spoke up, not wanting him to misinterpret what she had asked of him. "S-Sorry, it's just m-my muscles have been cramping up recently, and your h-hands just looked so manoeuvrable, I thought you might be good with massages...I'm sorry I-"
"Well it's been a while since I've massaged anyone, let alone anypony, but I'll give it my best shot."
Fluttershy's heart froze, then started beating rapidly. He had actually agreed? Fluttershy knew she shouldn't be asking, especially with the events that took place that very morning, but she was feeling particularly bold in her bunny-wear. And he had actually agreed! However, that wasn't a good reason for her heart to be beating so fast. It felt like it would come out of her chest at any moment. It was only a massage, she got one every week at her weekly spa appointments. Her muscles felt strained, so she was getting a massage. It was only natural. It's not like she wanted to feel his masculine hands against her body or be embraced by his tender arms. Nothing like that at all...
"Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!" she exclaimed. "Just let me get changed then..." Fluttershy began taking the bunny-wear off when Phil stopped her.
"Woah, woah, what are you doing changing in front of me?!" he asked flustered.
She looked puzzled. "But Phil, ponies are always naked here, why would changing matter?"
"Oh...right..." Now Phil looked downright embarrassed. Fluttershy let out a quiet giggle. He was so cute when he was embarrassed.
She stripped herself of the bunny-wear and laid it neatly across one of her living room chairs. She motioned to Phil. "W-would you like to come u-upstairs? My bed will be more comfortable to do this."
He shrugged. "You're the one getting massaged, do whatever makes you the most comfortable."
She smiled at him. "So...considerate...thank you."
Phil gave her a smile back. "Yeah, yeah, you just get your butt up there so I can work my magic on those muscles of yours."
The two walked up the stairs together. Phil moved towards the room he had woken up in at the beginning of the day, but Fluttershy tugged on the leg of his pants and pointed a hoof at another room. "W-we should use my room. The guest bed you were sleeping in is a little smaller than my bed, so we'll have more room if we do it there."
"Alright," he said. "Whatever floats your boat."
She opened the door to a medium sized room with a bed that took up most of the room's space. Bird houses hung from the ceiling and there was a small stone fireplace off to the side. The room was cluttered with cutesy paintings and had a small chest beside the end of the bed.
Fluttershy strolled into the room and hopped up on the bed. Taking a comfortable position laying down with her face against her pillow, she looked over at Phil expectantly. "I'm umm...ready when you are..."
"Okay," he said, climbing onto the bed himself. He wondered how he should approach this. He wanted to make sure she was as comfortable as possible. This mare had given him some of the best potatoes he'd ever had, so he had to make the massage as relaxing as he could with his limited masseuse knowledge.
He swung his leg over hers to get good leverage and easy access to her shoulders. Phil could hear her suppress a squeak in the pillow. Cracking his knuckles to prepare his fingers, he slowly reached for her shoulders.
"Phil, could you just let me know when you're going to sta-OHHH MYppfff". the rest of her moan was shoved into the pillow. She could barely contain another however. She had had massages before, but this one was beyond any comparison to those. Phil's fingers were putting pressure in just the right places, and Fluttershy was struggling to even think about anything else. Phil's fingers had a magic of their own, that much she knew for sure.
He stopped for a moment mistaking her reaction for pain. "Oh, sorry Fluttershy," he apologized. "Was that too hard?"
"N-n-not at a-all, P-Phil," she stuttered. "Please d-don't stop..."
"Oh uhh, okay..." That was all he could come up with. He hadn't expected such positive results from his massage. Sure, he'd given one or two, but he was no professional.
After Fluttershy got used to the initial pleasure of the massage, she tried to strike up a conversation, thinking just lying there wasn't fair to Phil. "So Phil, h-how was your d-day today?" There was still the occasion wave of ecstasy that caused her to slip up on a few of her words.
She felt Phil shudder on top of her. "Please, just no. Don't talk about today..." He had enough horrific memories to last him a lifetime and he was seriously starting to think he'd develop PTSD by the end of the week.
As Phil continued kneading the muscles near her shoulders, he began to realize that they weren't loosening at all. They hadn't even really been very tight to begin with, and he figured he had done enough in that area. He examined Fluttershy's back, looking for another place to massage. She deserved the full treatment anyway with all she'd done for him. There was a problem however. He couldn't find another proper place to start. A pony's anatomy was much different than a human's, and even more so with the wings. Without another area he knew well, he decided he was just start on an area that covered most of her back: the wings.
"Umm, Phil, you stopped again, is everything al-MMMppff". She had yet again, barely managed to contain a scream. But this was different. Was he really doing this? Phil's hands were gently pressing her wings between his palm and thumb. She couldn't believe it. A Pegasus' wings were one of their most sensitive and forbidden parts, yet there he was, massaging away at them. She bit down on her pillow to keep in a moan. Biting the pillow however, wasn't enough.
"Sorry if I'm hurting you a bit, I've never really even touched a wing before and-"
"OHH YESSS!"
Fluttershy let out a very sensual, very elicit, very human moan. Her wings shot straight out to the sides with a feathery burst. Phil remembered this. This was a warning sign telling him he was in danger of some serious pony molestation, but Phil couldn't think straight. That moan kick started his libido just a little bit, and he was feeling outright confusion. Fluttershy looked back at him with her large turquoise eyes and an incredible heat in her cheeks.
"P-Phil, oh my..." she said adorably. Phil might not have been able to resist, but he was given too much time to straighten his thoughts out.
"Okay then, got the kinks out of your neck, you should be good to go," he said hastily. He practically jumped off the bed onto her floor. "Woah, look at that, I'm so tired, I can't even stay on the bed, I'll just go to my room and get some shut eye-"
"You can't," she pouted.
"W-why not?" Phil asked shakily.
"While you were gone in the morning, the bed...broke".
Now Phil was freaking out a bit. He dashed into her room to see an empty space where the bed had been. Fluttershy appeared behind him. "I had to remove it to get it fixed. Since you don't have anywhere else to sleep..."
Uh oh. Phil knew where this was headed. "W-well, I couldn't impose...I'll just take the couch-"
"Sorry, the couch broke too. I had to remove it along with the bed."
What was with this mare and breaking furniture? Did she remove the furniture, knowing this would happen? Phil gave up trying to get out of it. He was in reality, very tired and did need somewhere to sleep. "Al...alright, do you mind if...we share yours?" he asked, feeling defeated. What did it matter anyway? It isn't like anything would happen.
"Oh not at all! Come on, let's get you tucked in, Phil. I'll make sure you're as snug as a bug." Her voice had a cutesy tone hiding what Phil thought was malicious intent. He knew he was going to regret this.
Phil got into her bed, trying to stay as far to the edge as possible, when Fluttershy ripped the pillow on his side away. "Aw, we can't use this pillow, it's simply too dirty." She tossed the pillow out the window. "I guess we'll have to...share." Her wings were still spread out to the sides of her body. He was really going to regret this.
Phil was forced to get closer and share the pillow with Fluttershy, who upon seeing Phil get closer, slid herself face to face with him. She draped a hoof over the side of his chest. "G-good night P-Phil." She shut her eyes. She moved in closer, her lips homing in on his and...they met with something flat. She opened her eyes to see her lips in contact with his cheek. She had missed the lips, but that didn't stop Phil from furiously blushing.
"G-good n-night!" He rapidly shut his eyes and pretended to be asleep. Fluttershy smiled softly and put her head down next to his, silently celebrating her almost victorious kiss. This was going to be a good night.
Author's Note
Quite a bit less naughty than I thought it'd be. More cute than anything. But trust me, don't expect it to stay like this for long...
Stay tuned folks!
Over The Hills and Far Away
Carouselambra
Twilight Sparkle awoke with a groan. She was still exhausted from the non-stop problems the town's ponies seemed to be experiencing from Hayley's Comet. At least 20 ponies' manes had turned Celestia-like and she had to assist in calming them down and promptly shaving their heads. Why you ask? Well, although Celestia is a fair and just ruler, she has her own special set of rules that ponies can never break for fear of direct punishment from Princess Celestia herself. One of these rules is that only she and Princess Luna may have magical flowing manes. Apparently this rule was put in place when the style of mane became a fashion pandemic about two centuries ago. It had some pretty disastrous effects on the mane-styling industry. But, you probably don't care much about the history of this. Neither did the ponies who Twilight held down with her magic and buzz-cut, but that's beside the point.
As if that wasn't enough for Twilight to do, she also had to calm down a good portion of the town screaming something about a "monster terrorizing the town." Ridiculous, she thought. Some kind of monster terrorizes Ponyville every other week, she figured by now they would stop making such a fuss about them.
Twilight drooped her body out of bed and gave a big stretch. She desperately hoped today would be an uneventful day. Trudging downstairs to the main level, she saw Spike making breakfast. He heard the sound of her hooves and turned to face her. "Sheesh Twilight, you slept in later than I did. I'm making waffles, do you want some?"
She perked up a bit at this. "Sure Spike, I'd love some!" He pushed up a plate in front of her and she took a great, big, mouth-sized bite out of one. "Mmm, amazing Spike! These are wonderful!" She went for another bite, but stopped, seeing Spike looking up at her awkwardly.
"Uhh, Spike, is something the matter?" He scratched the back of his head nervously.
"Well..." He started. "The Princess responded to your letter. She said that what happened to Phil with the comet was an incredulous phenomenon, and that she wanted us to bring him to Canterlot to see him for herself..."
Twilight raised an eyebrow at him. "How is that bad? That's what I wanted when I sent the letter in the first place. What day did the Princess say she wanted us? I have to prepare a couple days in advance if the Princess is inviting us to Canterlot".
"Well, haha, that's the problem you see. The Princess wants us...today."
There was dead silence between the two. Twilight's left eye began rapidly twitching. This was not going to be an uneventful day.
Phil had to wonder just what corner of hell his luck came from. It was morning and he was wide awake, but unable to get up. Why you ask? Because of the butter-yellow pony cuddled up to his side. Now normally, he wouldn't have minded waking her up or at least trying to get out of bed slowly as to not disturb her, but he was experiencing a problem. A problem many of men have experienced throughout the ages: Morning wood. He had no control over it, all he knew was that his flag pole stood high in the sky and there was a fair amount of chaffing that accompanied it; Go figure.
Phil wanted to escape that bed about as much as the people of Detroit wanted to escape Detroit, but couldn't for fear of waking Fluttershy. He didn't want to know what she'd do if she saw Ol' Glory trying to poke his head out. Yes, Phil's penis is officially, and legally, named Ol' Glory. Got the documents and everything. Did you happen to know that when naming a shlong, it needs a separate birth certificate from the owner of said shlong? The more you know...
During the penis monologue, Phil had concocted a plan, and he was raring to try it. This situation had too many levels of wrong for our hardened human. He quickly got out of the bed and faced away from Fluttershy. He heard her stir and moved on to phase two. Phil pulled his shirt off as fast as possible and threw it in the still-sleepy mare's face.
"Whosa-whatsa?" she said, confused as to who turned out the lights.
"Sorry-my-bad-gotta-go-to-the-bathroom, bye!" Okay, so it wasn't the most well thought out plan. What, were you people expecting him to pull some sort of Ocean's Eleven crap to hide a boner? Shame on you.
Phil sprinted out of the room and into the bathroom as fast as his legs would carry him, which wasn't that fast. Preventing chaffing on his shaft was at least number five on Phil's list of life, right underneath rescuing the people of Detroit and buying a T-shirt with his name on it. He was a simple man.
Phil waited a good five minutes to make sure that all systems were shut down in that area. Confident he was rid of morning wood, he exited the bathroom to find Fluttershy making her bed. She turned to him. "Good morning Phil," she hummed. She seemed pretty chipper this morning, which was something Phil didn't know could happen to someone in the morning. Morning was not a time he enjoyed, and if possible, wasn't a time he would even be awake.
"G-good morning," he said, suddenly remembering what she had done the previous night. She didn't notice his hesitation.
"Hey Phil, what do you plan on doing today? I mean, you're stuck in Equestria and all, what are you going to do about that?"
Phil's eyes lit up in revelation. She was completely right. He was so stupefied yesterday with all that happened, he didn't even think of a way to get back home. What was he going to do about that?
"Uhh...I'm drawing a blank. I can't really think of a way to get back to my planet. I still don't really know how I got here in the first place, other than knowing I fell through my porch."
Fluttershy thought about it for a moment. "Well, if you can't do anything about that, maybe you should try to adjust to Equestrian life...you know...until you have to go..." She suddenly didn't seem very chipper.
"I guess I have to," he responded. "But where do I start?" He examined himself quickly and an obvious answer came to mind. "Oh yeah, I should get some more clothing! Having only one pair would be a hassle."
"Oh, that's perfect Phil! One of my friends is a fashion designer; her name is Rarity. She won't have any clothing for humans, but I bet she could make some."
"Well that's great and all," he said, pulling his pockets out of his pants. "But on this planet, I'm kinda broke..."
"Oh, that's alright, I have some spare bits lying around you could have. Rarity's very generous; if you said that I sent you, she probably wouldn't charge that much."
She walked over to the chest beside her bed and threw it open with her head. Inside was a pile of gold-coloured coins, as well as a tarantula. The tarantula crawled up onto Fluttershy's hoof while she was reaching for her money and scurried up to the top of her head. "Aw, Mr. Spider, were you guarding my bits for me?" She took it off her head and gave it a nuzzle. "That's so thoughtful of you!"
"Here you-...umm, Phil? What are you doing?" Phil was backed up in a corner trying his best to stay far away from Mr. Spider as humanly possible.
"G-g-get that thing away from me!" he shouted.
Fluttershy gave him an odd glance, but complied with his request regardless. She gently placed the spider back in the chest. "You're a very courageous spider," she whispered to him. "Don't ever change."
"Here you go Phil, this amount should cover a set of clothing. Just tell her I sent you. I have to get around and feed my animals, so I can't come with you, but I'm sure you can ask somepony in Ponyville for directions. The place is called the Carousel Boutique."
Phil briefly recalled the panic he instilled in the ponies of Ponyville yesterday. "Ah, I'll just wander till I find it. Thanks a lot Fluttershy, I'll be back soon." With that, Phil left Fluttershy's and began the next phase of his terrorization. Phil In Ponyville-Part Two: The Return Of Phil. Coming to a theatre near you.
Arriving in Ponyville, Phil felt a sense of déjà vu from the way ponies reacted. Some ran to their homes, others simply screamed, and a few passed out. Classic. He had enough of caring about that last night, so denying it was happening was working out pretty well. He was just about to start on his search to find this "Rarity", but stopped when he heard someone call his name.
"Hey! Phil, is that you?" said a familiar voice.
Phil turned around to the source of the voice to see Rainbow Dash, the Pegasus pony from yesterday, lying on a cloud looking down on him. "Rainbow Dash? How are you lying on that cloud?! I'm like 90% sure that you can't lie on a cloud."
She smirked. "I'd like to just say it's because I'm just that cool, but all Pegasus ponies can walk on clouds. We're the only race that can other than griffons."
Screw fucking physics. This was beyond fucking physics. This was slapping physics across the face with a strap-on while you squeezed it's titties. It just wasn't right. But Phil had stopped caring about the inconsistencies of this land. He was a man on a mission. A mission...to buy clothes.
"Rainbow, could you tell me where the Carousel Boutique is? I need to talk to someone named Rarity about making me some clothes."
Rainbow rolled her eyes. "Why do you need clothes? Can't you just go naked like everypony else?"
He gave her a stern look. "No Rainbow, I can't 'just go naked like everypony else'. I don't mind you guys and your nudist colonies, but don't try to convert me to nudism. I'm a strict clothist."
Rainbow raised an eyebrow at him. "Uhh, okay there big guy, relax. Rarity's shop is just down that road over there. Have fun...not being naked...I guess."
"Alright, thank you!" he said as he departed down the road.
Rainbow shrugged. "He's a little weird, but he is pretty cute for a hu-whatever-they're-called. I think I'll hang out with the guy sometime." She closed her eyes and tried to get some sleep on her cloud, but her eyes shot open after she remembered something. "Wait, didn't Twilight say something about not visiting Rarity this week?" She gave a wing shrug. "Ah whatever, I'm sure he'll be fine..."
Twilight Sparkle furiously knocked on Fluttershy's door. "Fluttershy, Fluttershy, Fluttershy! Open your door! Quick!" Fluttershy opened her door with a concerned expression on her face.
"Twilight, is everything alright? You seem worried."
Twilight's mane and tail were disheveled and she was nervously gritting her teeth. "No no no! Princess Celestia wants to see Phil today, and not only have I not had enough time to prepare for Canterlot, I haven't prepped Phil on how to act around the Princess! Where is he?!"
"*eep* W-Well Twilight, he left a little while ago to see if Rarity would make him some clothes. I'm sorry, I didn't know you would need him."
Twilight froze. "T-that's fine, but I must have misheard you. You didn't say you sent him to Rarity's, did you?"
"Umm...yes, I sent him to Rarity's..."
"W-WHAT?! FLUTTERSHY, DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU'VE DONE?!"
"*meep*" All Flutttershy could do was cower behind her mane.
"Ugh, I'm sorry for yelling, but don't you remember what week it is? Rarity is...in heat."
"Oh...OH! Oh my, this is bad, this is very bad. Uhh, maybe he'll see the orange flower on her door and know what it means. I mean, isn't it a universal sign for a mare in heat?"
Twilight facehoofed. "Fluttershy, Phil might not even have mares where he's from. We need to go right now!"
The quivering mare nodded in agreement. The two sprinted off towards Ponyville, hoping they weren't already too late.
"Hmm, what a pretty flower, I wonder why it's stuck to the door with duck tape."
Phil found himself outside the Boutique, not sure whether or not to walk in. If he just waltzed right in, he might scare the pony inside, but he couldn't just stand out here all day. Puffing his chest out to feel confident, he took the plunge and opened the door. The store was dimly lit and smelled of some sort of incense. Was the store closed?
"Umm, hello," he called out. "Is anyone here?"
He heard a small yelp in response. Maybe he wasn't supposed to be here.
A very nervous voice with a slight accent came from the upper level of the store. "D-didn't you see the flower on the door? You shouldn't be here right now."
Yeah, he definitely wasn't supposed to be here. "Well, it was a very nice flower, but I didn't see a closed sign or anything, so I figured you were open."
Phil couldn't see the mare he was talking to in the dark, but he heard her come down the stairs. "Y-you really shouldn't be here right now, darling." As she got closer, the two saw each other.
Phil saw that Rarity was an alabaster white unicorn, with a curled purple mane and a bath robe with similar colours. Rarity saw that Phil was a six foot monster wearing slightly wrinkled clothing. They had slightly different reactions to each other.
Phil's reaction: "Hi."
Rarity's reaction: "MY WORD, WHAT IN CELESTIA'S MANE ARE YOU?!"
See? Different.
Phil sighed to himself. He'd had about enough of explaining just what in Celestia's mane he was. "I'm a human, my name is Phil, I'm not going to hurt you, and Fluttershy sent me in the hopes you could design clothing for me. I think that about covers it."
Rarity took a moment to process this. "Fluttershy sent you? Doesn't she remember my condition?"
"Condition?"
"Never mind, darling," she said devilishly. It was very faint, but since coming to Equestria, he was becoming better and better at sensing lust. Particularly in ponies. He really wished that wasn't a fact, but the sense was flaring up and he felt that this wasn't going to be your average business deal.
Rarity continued. "Before going on with this conversation darling, there is something I need to check. I hope you'll forgive me for being so forward." Without any warning, Rarity raised a hoof and poked Phil right in the crotch. Not very gently either.
"Yes!" she cheered.
"Oww, what was that for? That's a pretty sensitive spot y'know?"
Here's where Phil's sexy-time sense did a 180 summersault. "Oh trust me darling, I know just how sensitive that spot can be. I'm not sure you know just how sensitive it can be. Why don't I teach you?"
Just what merciless god did Phil anger? Probably all of them. Or just the one. Or no god. The narrator doesn't get to have a religion. It's in our contract.
"Hehe, well that sounds lovely and all, but I really must be going. I have...human things to do and such. Be seeing you." Phil tried to turn the knob of the front door, only to find it didn't move. It didn't even budge. Removing his hand, he saw a light blue aura surrounding the door knob, preventing him from leaving.
"Darling, I'm quite sure you have things to do outside, but you also have things you have to do here, however I can assure you they aren't human. NOW BUCK ME LIKE YOU'VE NEVER BUCKED BEFORE!"
"MOMMY!"
"I'LL BE YOUR MOMMY!"
"WHY DO PONIES KEEP SAYING THAT?!"
"C'mon Fluttershy, we're almost there, just keep going."
Twilight and Fluttershy were hot on the trail of Phil and the potential court case. Very hot on the trail. Some would say...too hot to trot...I'm sorry, it was killing me not to say that. They had traversed most of Ponyville and were but a few paces from the Carousel Boutique.
"Please don't be too late." Twilight prayed.
She arrived at the front of the door with haste and prepared herself for what she might see. "Phil? Are you in there? I'm coming to resc-"
She was interrupted by what some would call a door. It slammed her right in the face, knocking her to the ground. Phil came crawling out with his pants being partially surrounded by a blue aura. His clothing was ripped in almost every area and he wore the face of what a mouse may look like if it was being chased by a cat...if mice had expressions that is. He realized he couldn't fully resist her magic, so he ripped the calf area of his already eviscerated pants and squirmed away.
That's when he noticed Fluttershy running down the street in his direction. "Oh thank god, Fluttershy, help! I can't escape her for much longer!"
Fluttershy quickly got in between Phil and her slightly rapey-friend. "Rarity, I know you're in heat and all, but could you please not-"
Rarity levitated her out of the way. "There's no escaping me this time! Prepare your body!"
"Wait, my body isn't ready!"
It didn't seem to matter. She pounced and pinned Phil to the ground. "Now, now, no more struggling. It's time you took your rutting like a good hu-"
A lot of ponies were getting cut off today. Levitated as well. Rarity floated mid-air in a bright yellow magical aura. Phil looked at Twilight thinking she was his saviour, but saw that she was still recovering from the brief meeting she had with the door. Phil looked around wildly for the source of the spell.
"Well, well," came a reagent voice from behind him. "Just what have my subjects gotten into?"
Author's Note
Cliff hanger! I wonder who it is...no really, I've got nothing, who is it? Guess we'll have to wait until next chapter to find out!
Over The Hills and Far Away
Houses Of The Holy: Part One
Houses Of The Holy: Part One
Twilight stood up in a daze. Her meet-n-greet with Rarity's door had momentarily knocked her out, and she was just coming to. She looked around wildly, remembering she had been trying to rescue Phil. Spotting him on the ground, she called out to him.
"Phil! Is Rarity go-oh she's floating...why is she floating?" Phil remained sitting, too stunned to hear her. He seemed to be staring at something, but in Twilight's daze, she couldn't tell what. She attempted to focus her vision on it, but failed.
"Gimme a sec, Phil, I'll be over there just as soon as there isn't two of everything. Ugh, the world is spinning..."
As she sorted out her vision problem, a white object gradually came into view. It got closer and closer to her until she began to make out the white object to be in actuality, a tall pony. A tall pony she was beginning to recognize.
"Do not worry, my faithful student, I've taken care of your friend's little problem. I don't understand this situation completely, but I'm guessing your friend didn't know what the orange flower on the door is supposed to mean."
Twilight's jaw dropped. "P-P-Princess?! W-What are you doing here?"
Princess Celestia stood before Twilight in her golden royal apparel, her beautiful ethereal mane flowing in the wind, because she's worth it. The bright white alicorn giggled at her student's reaction.
"I thought I would come and pick up my student myself for a change. I've brought a chariot with enough room for you and your inter-dimensional friend to ride comfortably. I'm sorry I couldn't give you more warning of my arrival, however this matter required immediate attention. It isn't every day a new species comes to Equestria ~~except on FIMficfion~~."
As Celestia spoke, Twilight relaxed more and more. Her soothing voice always managed to calm her down after she freaked out from the prospect of meeting her. "Thank you, Princess. It's so nice of you to do this yourself."
"Anything for my student." She glanced over at the human staring at her. "This must be the new species in question, right? I would hate to be so foolish as to not recognize one of my country's existing species."
"Yes Princess, this is Phil. He's from a planet called Earth...kind of a generic name if you ask me..."
Celestia strode over to Phil regally and gave him a pleasant smile. "It's nice to meet you, Phil. My student has told me a little bit about your situation, and I'd like to hear more about it. My name is Celestia, and I'm the princess and ruler of this land. I hope your unexpected visit in Equestria has been at the very least tolerable for you."
Phil didn't know what to do. He didn't even know what was going on in front of him. He didn't even know what was going on with himself! He couldn't move, nor talk. He was too busy basking in the ambience of the pony before him. She was the tallest pony he'd seen since coming here, most likely as tall as himself, but he was unable to tell with his butt firmly planted on the ground. She was completely radiant with both wings and a horn, as well as a pair of amethyst eyes. Her white coat shimmered in the sunlight and if you're reading this, you know the rest.
Phil was paralyzed, but not out of fear. He wasn't the type to pick up on vibes (other than the sexy kind), but even Phil could feel her power just by being close to her. Rather than fear, Phil was paralyzed out of awe. He felt like he was sitting before a deity. There was no doubt; Celestia was best pony.
The Princess looked down at herself, trying to find what Phil was staring at so intently. "Sorry, is there something wrong with my coat? I knew I shouldn't have switched to that "Loreal" shampoo. It's got me nothing but stares since I've started using it."
Phil shook his head, realizing what he was doing. "N-No! There's nothing wrong with it. I was just...out of it...my bad."
She giggled. "That's quite alright, my little po-err...human. You're still in shock from that little incident with The Element of Generosity."
"I'm still here you know," huffed a very irratated floating Rarity.
"Ah, yes." Celestia set her down gently, a fair distance from Phil. "Rarity, I know the circumstances aren't wonderful, but it's nice to see you again. I'm going to need to take Phil for today, so it would be best if you had a nice, cold shower to cool down. Can you do that for me?"
Rarity sighed in disappointment. "Yes, Princess. Please do take care of the dear. I'm not done with him." She licked her lips at Phil and sauntered back to her house.
The Princess chuckled at her display. "She's going to regret saying that later." She turned and walked towards the chariot she had arrived in. Wow, how did Phil not see that earlier? Seems like a hard thing to miss. Celestia motioned to Phil and Twilight. "Are you ready? My guards and I are ready to leave at a moment's notice."
"Guards?" Phil questioned.
Two guards suddenly exited the chariot, wearing gold-plated armour and matching helmets. They stood firm and tall, waiting for an order from their Princess.
Twilight and Phil looked at each other. "Well Phil, are you ready?"
"...Ready for what?"
"Oh-my-god-oh-my-god-oh-my-god were flying! We're actually flying! All those teachers and kids and my parents and therapists said that I'd never fly in a small square object, but I showed them! Take that, logic! And you too, physics!"
Phil, Twilight, and the Princess had departed in the chariot, with the guards flying the chariot, and a confused Fluttershy left on the ground wondering why everypony suddenly left. The three sat in seats facing one another, Twilight and Phil opposite the Princess. Phil had his head out the window, being unable to resist the urge to stare at the ground.
"Phil! Be respectful in front of the Princess and calm down," said Twilight sternly.
"It's okay, Twilight. You know I don't care about such things. Now, Phil, could you please tell me about this power of yours that was supposedly transferred to you by Hayley's Comet?"
Phil gulped and felt his face get hot. Was he actually going to have to explain what his power did to the pony leader of this country? Well, comparatively this was one of the less awkward things he'd been through in his time in Equestria, but that didn't make Phil any more comfortable.
"Well...whenever I come in contact with a good amount of water, my eyes starting glowing. If a mare looks into my eyes while they're glowing, they...uhh...want me...real badly..."
The Princess appeared to be giggling at Phil's struggle of word choice. Was she screwing with him? Did she dare mock the great Phil Phillips? Son of the great but not as great, Bill Phillips? Did she?! Nah, probably not.
"W-Whatever, my power doesn't matter. What matters is where we're going. Nobody told me anything! There was just a scene transition and we ended up in the sky!"
Twilight sighed. "Don't get so worked up, Phil. We're going to Canterlot, the capital of Equestria, so Princess Celestia can examine you in further detail and as a result, may be able to rid you of your power."
Phil looked down sheepishly. "Oh...okay..."
The Princess smiled, thinking of examining Phil. She really was there to assist him, but she couldn't help but think up a couple of pranks she might pull...
They arrived at the grounds of an enormous white castle. No, not the one with burgers, an actually castle. Phil gawked at everything there was to see. Castles weren't the most common thing back on Earth. Upon stepping out of the chariot, a guard approached Celestia and whispered something into her ear.
She huffed. "I'm sorry, my student. Could you take Phil for a tour around the castle? I have an important situation to take care of with the mayor of Manehattan."
Twilight gave her mentor an assuring smile. "You can count on me, Princess! Come on Phil, let's look around the castle a bit."
Phil held back a devious grin. "Okay!"
The two tourists went through the nearest doors to the castle, while Celestia walked off towards another set of of doors. Twilight looked around the interior of the castle, wondering where to start first.
"Well, Phil, take your pick. Do you want to go left of ri-...where did you go?" Phil was nowhere to be seen. Twilight's eye twitched uncontrollably for the second time that day. She should probably get that checked out. "This isn't good..."
Phil was sneaking through the corridors of the castle. He didn't want to ditch Twilight, but she was a tour guide, and tour guides were for foreigners and visitors of the African Lion Safari, and he was only one of those. So he ran away while she was looking around. Marvel in awe at the escape plan of the Great Phildini.
After he was sure he was far enough away from Twilight, he began cartwheeled through the halls in joy. He couldn't believe he was in a real life castle! It had towers and guards and a monarch and all! Needed more slaves though. His cartwheels came to an end however, when he reached the end of the corridor with a door to the next corridor blocked off by a guard. The guard's stoic expression made Phil just a little uneasy. He approached the guard.
"Umm, excuse me, can I get through here?"
The guard didn't move.
"Uhh, excuse me?"
The guard didn't move.
"Mr. Guard?"
In a move that shocked everyone, the guard didn't move. Phil starting pouting.
"Oh, so you're like those royal guards from England, eh?" Phil left the guard's visage. Climbing the side of the corridor, he leapt down and landed on the guardpony's back in riding position. The guard whinnied in terror.
"Giddy up, horsie!"
Twilight scourged the castle. She couldn't find where Phil had gotten off to, and she was beginning to have what some would call a nervous breakdown.
"I looked away for a second! WHERE. DID. HE. GO?!"
She found the nearest guard and grabbed his face. "HAVE YOU SEEN A SIX-FOOT BIPEDAL CREATURE?!"
"Bah, Ms. Sparkle, don't hurt me!"
Just as she was about to interrogate the guard further, she heard a large amount of hoofsteps, as well as a shriek. She turned to see a screaming Phil being furiously chased by a herd of angry guardsponies.
"HALT IMMEDIATELY, STRANGE THING!"
"I'M SORRY, OKAY?! I DIDN'T KNOW YOU GUYS DIDN'T LIKE BEING RIDDEN!"
Phil had run into a spot of trouble when he continued to ride the guard even after he had told him to stop. The guard pulled an alarm on the wall and within seconds, a seemingly endless amount of guards had appeared. He'd been running ever since. He ran straight past Twilight in his haste, with the guards following in his wake.
Twilight face-hoofed. "Why does he have to be so stupid?"
Phil reached the end of the hall at top speed, only to have a janitor pony come out of the hallway next to it. Being unable to stop, he crashed right into the janitor mopping the floor. A wet mop the janitor had been carrying flew up in the air and landed on Phil's head. He peaked through the strands of the mop at the guards, assuming he'd been caught, but the guards stopped right in front of him, unmoving.
That's when Phil felt the familiar sensation. The tingling was back. His eyes widened. He was wet and the guards were staring right into his eyes.
"N-No, y-you guys can't...you aren't..."
The guard nearest Phil licked his lips. "Bueno."
"NOPE, NOPE, NOPE!" He jumped to his feet and sprinted down the other hallway with the love struck guard right on his tail. Seeing a door with only a single guard blocking the entrance, he shoved him out of the way and bolted inside the room. He closed the door as fast as he could and locked it.
Phil look deep breaths and gathered his thoughts. His power really did work on every pony that saw his eyes. Suddenly he heard the clanking of metal shoes against floor. He whipped his head around thinking it was another guard, only to see Celestia, as well as another pony snorting in irritation due to Phil's interruption. They had been sitting at a table, but Celestia had gotten up to greet their unexpected guest.
"Phil, is everything alright?" she asked in a concerned tone.
"Ah, Celestia! Sorry, I didn't know you were in here. I was just ru-WAIT, STOP LOOKING AT ME, MY POWER IS ON!"
She recoiled slightly, but Phil's warning came too late. Celestia had already looked right in his eyes.
"U-Umm, Phil, are you sure your power is on? Your eyes are glowing, but I assure you I don't 'want you' as you put it."
Phil could feel his heartbeat again. He had really though for a moment that he had just seduced Celestia, but his powers didn't seem to work on her.
"Phew, thank goodness. Maybe certain ponies are immune to it. Well, sorry for interrupting your meeting, Celestia. Is there another door here? I don't think I can go out the other one."
She pointed Phil towards a door on the other side of the room.
"Thanks, I'm just going to get out of here and keep my eyes closed. Sorry again!"
He left the room and the mayor pony sighed. "About time he left. What a rude chap. Now let's get back to our-"
"I'm sorry, but we'll have to continue this meeting another time."
The mayor pony was appalled. "What?! Why in Equestria would we have to-"
"You heard what I said, Mayor York. This meeting is adjourned." Her tone was very urgent, and the mayor could tell she wasn't fooling around.
"Y-Yes, Celestia. Of course." The mayor pony got up from the table and hastily left through the same door that Phil had. Celestia let out a breath she'd been holding in. Her legs were shaking and white cheeks were stained a bright red.
"M-My, h-he wasn't joking after all. If not for my many years of experience controlling my emotions, I don't think I would've been able to stop myself. This power has to be stopped before somepony sees it who really shouldn't..."
Phil was once again, on the run. It hadn't taken the guardsponies very long to find him, and escaping them this time was a lot harder when you have to partially close your eyes. He'd already crashed into three paintings and he was pretty sure one of those paintings was still on his neck.
Phil's near-blind sprint had led him to a large winding staircase. With the guards straight behind him, he had no choice but to head up, which very well might lead to a dead end. He shot up the stairs and began climbing with all his might. All those times when he didn't take an escalator were really paying off for him.
Nearing the top, Phil was starting to panic. The guards had been keeping up with him, and if he got cornered...well let's not think about that one. The last few steps of the staircase came into view.
"Please, please be something!"
Just beyond the top of the stairs was a large blue door with a crescent moon painted in the middle of it.
"Oh thank the architect of this place!"
Phil swung the door opened and pushed it shut just as the guards reached the top of the stairs. He took a deep breath and collapsed with his back against the door.
"Phew, safe again-"
"Thou won't be safe for long unless we receive a good explanation to keep you so."
Phil turned his head to his threatener to see a tall dark blue pony with a horn. That's where Phil's description of the pony stopped, because that pony's horn was crackling with a distracting amount of blue electricity. He let out an exhausted sigh.
"Out of the pot and into the kettle..."
To be Continued!
Over The Hills and Far Away
Houses Of The Holy: Part Three
Houses Of The Holy: Part Three
Twilight Sparkle was in a bit of a fix. On the one hoof, she really wanted to rut the ever loving crap out of Phil. On the other hoof, the two strongest beings in Equestria seemed to want her to stop that very desire. Whatever. With the urges she was having right now, she felt she could do anything as long as it had to do mounting Phil. She could take on anything. She could take on The Princesses. She was the Twilight Sparkle. She took down Nightmare Moon, and Discord, and helped take down Chrysalis and Sombra. No one stood a chance against her. NO ONE! MWHAHAHAH-wait, why was she sleepy all of the sudden?
A light from the Moon Goddess' horn slowly faded as Twilight 'The Drowsy' Sparkle drifted off into a slumber. Her sleepy descent to the floor was softened by the Sun Goddess' levitation magic. Phil simply observed the scene in shock.
"W-What did you do to her?" he asked.
Celestia spoke up. "My sister cast a simple sleep spell on her. When Twilight awakes, she should be back to normal, according to the rules she herself drew up for your power."
"O-Oh yeah, the 22-24 minute time limit..." He stared at the two, and realizing his eyes were still glowing, threw his arms in front of his eyes.
Celestia once again spoke up. "Phil, it's alright, I already saw your eyes, and the fact they didn't work on me confirmed my hypothesis."
He lowered his arms from his face. "Hypothesis?"
"Yes, Phil." She levitated the slumbering Twilight onto her back. "After seeing your power the first time, I guessed your power was a type of light magic, similar to the kind I myself use. Unfortunately, it was just a guess and nothing more, however I also thought up a way to prove it."
Celestia's horn began to glow and suddenly, a transparent goggle shaped magic appeared in front of both Celestia and the currently unknown princess' faces.
"This magic, was magic developed after the changeling assault on Canterlot a few months ago. It's purpose was to dispel the changeling disguise spell. The changeling disguise spell was a type of light magic directed at the eyes as a means of illusion, making it seem as if the changeling was anything it wanted to be shown as, around its general size. The goggles, which are normally invisible unless illuminated by magic, do not allow the light magic to reach the eyes, essentially nullifying the magic. The changelings also accompanied their light spell with actually changing their shape to match the pony they were copying, but you only needed to stop the light magic to tell it was a changeling. The goggles have only been used once to detect an actual changeling, and have instead been used by Luna and myself to play Magical Laser Tag, but that's besides the point. Do you understand what I'm getting at, Phil?"
He forced a laugh. "I understood...laser tag..."
She nodded, understanding of his confusion. "It doesn't matter if you understand or not, just know this: your power is a type of light magic, and knowing that, we can develop counter measures against ponies seeing it."
Phil grinned at this. "You mean these, err-...situations will stop happening?"
"Yes, with the right spells. Now, I'm going to take Twilight to my room so she can rest. I think you and Luna probably have some things you'd like to talk about."
"Umm, Celestia? Who's Luna?"
She stared at him in disbelief for a moment, then face hoofed. "Phil, please tell me you learned the name of the mare that kissed you minutes ago?"
He looked away and chuckled awkwardly. He'd never really been good with names, something he'd demonstrated pretty thoroughly upon his arrival in Equestria. The newly named Luna snorted, obviously offended by his ignorance.
Celestia sighed. "I suppose that gives you even more to talk about. Once you're done, please make your way to my room. If you need directions, one of my guards will be happy to supply you with that information."
Celestia turned around and strode away, leaving Phil and Luna alone, with the exception of a confused, wet janitor wondering what he should do to excuse himself from the situation.
Luna, who had been silent during Phil and Celestia's conversation, approached Phil bearing a serious look.
"Luna, I-"
*slap*
Phil suddenly found his head craned to his right side, and without explanation of why. He looked back to see Luna's tail seemly outstretched, most likely by the result of magic. Using his abilities as the reincarnation of Sherlock Holmes (this is the truest thing you've ever read), he deduced that she had slapped him across the face with her outstretched tail. That begged the question of why. ~~elementary, my dear Watson~~
"Hey, what wa-"
Luna used double slap
It hit two time(s)
Phil became confused
"The first slap," she seethed. "Was for seducing Twilight Sparkle."
"But that wasn't-"
"The second slap," she continued. "Was for seducing me ."
"Hey, you said 'me' instead of-"
"And the third slap, was for withholding the fact that you can seduce mares just by looking them in the eyes!"
"What third sla-"
*SMACK*
Phil suddenly found his head lodged in the side of a wall. "And for your information, Phil , if that is your real name, when I become agitated, I tend to drop the old way of speech."
He could hear the sound of metal against floor as Luna began walking away. "Janitor, please dislodge that baboon's head from our wall. Also, when you find the time, I would appreciate if you fixed the wall. Sorry."
The janitor let out an exhausted sigh. "This is the fifth wall this week. Can't she find somewhere else to smack heads into?"
Celestia sat at her desk, organizing her week's schedule, while a still slumbering Twilight lay in her bed. She needed to throw around a few of her appointments so she could meet with Manehattan's mayor again. Even being a princess, she was at the mercy of her public, and the mayor would have a fit if she didn't see him again soon. Being a princess was so much harder in this day and age with all the new towns, and laws, and civil rights. All those civil rights! Some days, she wished she was something other than a monarch. Maybe she could be on the other side of the law, and be a lawyer. Celestia, District Attorney. Had a nice ring to it. But alas, she had responsibilities, namely fixing Phil's problem. The law business would have to wait.
She looked over at the sleeping form of Twilight on her bed. Twilight would want to observe the resolution she had for Phil's powers, whether it worked or not. Approaching the bed, she gave Twilight a small nudge.
"Twilight, wakey wakey."
She didn't budge. Celestia tried again.
"Come on Twilight, Phil will be here any minute for testing. You have to get up."
Twilight rolled over and pulled the blankets up to her face. "Just five more minutes, mom..."
Celestia huffed. She was going to have to do this the hard way.
"*gasp* Twilight! You only got an A- on your last magic test?!"
"NO! IT'S BLASPHEMY!" Twilight shot out of bed and threw herself down at Celestia's feet. Celestia smiled and rolled her eyes.
"Whatever are you talking about my perfect student?" she said innocently.
"I...umm...nothing?"
Twilight looked around suspiciously, then sighed. "Phew, it was all a dream..."
Celestia perked up at this. "Dream?"
"Yeah, I had this crazy dream where I challenged you and Luna for surpremacy over Phil. Weird, huh?"
Celestia managed to contain a laugh. "Umm, Twilight? That did happen. Like half an hour ago."
"Oh...hahahaha-" she wobbled dizzily for a moment, then promptly passed out, unable to cope with threatening her mentor.
Celestia sighed and levitated Twilight 'The Narcoleptic' Sparkle back into the royal bed. Looks like she would have to go solo on this one. Speaking of which, where was Phil? It had been around 30 minutes since she had last seen him. Had Phil and Luna's little talk really taken that long? All they needed to talk about was a little kiss and his pow-...wait a second...Phil had barged into Luna's room, seduced her with his powers without telling her about them, and then when Luna had teleported into her room, upset with what she had done, Celestia had told her that Phil's powers had been responsible for their kiss...she hadn't really pieced it together until now, but that sounded bad...real bad. Hopefully he was still alive. If not...well, at least she'd get to try out the lawyer gig sooner than expected.
Celestia appeared in a flash of light in the hallway previously occupied by Phil and Luna. To her dismay, the only thing she found was the janitor fixing a hole in the wall. A head sized hole in the wall. Celestia started to sweat. Surely her sister wouldn't go as far as to blow his head through the wall, would she?
"Excuse me, could you please tell me what happened here?"
The janitor looked up from the wall at the princess. "Yeah, little mishap here with Princess Luna and that big thing. I don't know what happened, but she didn't look too happy. Slapped the thing left and right, now I'm left here to fix everything. After I pulled the thing out of the wall, it stumbled off somewhere over there," he said, pointing his hoof down the hallway to the right.
She breathed out in relief. "Thank Celes-...umm...me...I guess. Never realized how strange saying that out loud is. Anyway, I'm sorry for the damage, I'll make sure you get a raise for this." She trotted off in search of "The Thing."
The janitor grunted indifferently. "I may or may not get paid enough for this."
It didn't take long for Celestia to find Phil; it wasn't really that hard. He was in a rather large area and he wasn't even mobile. However, she hadn't expected to find Phil plastered to the ground by a brigade of about 20 guards. Everything but his head was covered in pure, 100% guard pony. His head, bruised from his conversation with Luna, bore a sad expression of regret, pain, and a touch of vengeance. Very appropriate for his situation.
She cleared her throat. "Ahem, guards, would you please remove yourself from Phil?"
They quickly removed themselves, leaving Phil hoping the sudden change in weight hadn't just caused him to pee his pants. She looked down at him with pity.
"Phil, what did you do this time?"
"Nothing, I just asked them for directions to your room like you told me," he said sulking, his face still planted in the floor.
The guards appeared beside Celestia. "I'm sorry, Your Majesty. This creature was stumbling around the hallways crying out for directions to your room. It seemed dangerous, so we chose to detain it. With extreme force. And a headlock or two. Sorry."
She had a great desire to roll her eyes, but her many years of being a ruler advised against it. "It's fine, my guard. You were just doing your duty, but I would like a moment alone with Phil if you wouldn't mind."
They bowed. "Yes, Your Majesty."
As the guards left, The Princess levitated Phil to a standing position and examined his head for injuries. He had a large goose egg on the side of his head, but other than that he seemed okay.
"It looks like your talk with Luna didn't go as well as I'd hoped."
He groaned. "Please don't remind me of that. I just want to let the brain damage I've probably received erase that memory completely."
She raised an eyebrow at him. "Do you mean you want to forget your talk, or do you mean you want to forget your kiss with my sister?"
Phil was caught off guard. "Ack-...well...that's not a fair question! My powers made her do that! She wouldn't have kissed me otherwise!"
"Hmm, I wonder if that's really true," she said as if she knew something Phil didn't.
"I-wait, what?"
"Nothing," she said with a giggle. "Just be lucky Luna had the self control not to take it any further. I hear she can be quite the rough lover."
Celestia giggled some more at the delightful shade of pink Phil's face turned. He looked like a foal who had just been accused of a crush.
"I kid you of course, Phil. I have very little knowledge of my sister's tendencies in bed." She began walking down the hallway towards her room. "Can you please follow me to my potions lab? After Luna cools down a little, I'll see if I can get her to come talk to you again, but in the meantime, I would like to begin experimenting with your powers."
She moved to keep going, but stopped shortly, realizing Phil wasn't following her. She turned around to see Phil in a defensive stance, looking at her suspiciously.
"Phil, is something the matter?" she asked.
"What kind of experiments are we talking here?" he said narrowing his eyes at her. "Are we talking science experiments, or are we talking Twilight Sparkle experiments?"
Celestia's own face lit up this time, realizing what Phil was insinuating. She wasn't used to ponies thinking of her like that. I mean, It's not like there's a large group of ponies out there that believe her to be some sort of sexual deviant. Why would something like that even exist? Simply ridiculous.
"Phil, please. The experiments I need to perform on you are crucial to the cessation of those kinds of acts. I assure you, nothing of that nature will occur with me." (Ha, not if the author has anything to say about it! Now: Timeskip)
The two entered a rather small room lined with cabinets of beakers and flasks alike. Upon entering, they were greeted by a teal coated, lab coated, unicorn stallion with a short, orderly blond mane. He jumped in surprise at the sight of the two visitors, both visitors being completely unexpected. He approached Celestia immediately.
"Y-Your H-Highness!? What a pleasant surprise! What brings you down to the potions lab?"
She gave him a polite smile. "It's good to see you again, Mix Up. I was wondering if the potions lab by any chance had a magical suppressant on stock."
"Oh, oh of course!" he said excitedly. "We have plenty of that. It isn't used very often though, so it's going to take me a little while to find it-"
"Wait a moment, Mix Up." said Celestia. "Before you go, would you allow me to place a spell on you? I am about to test my companion's unique magic, and I wouldn't want you getting caught up in the experiment."
He looked like he wanted to question it further, but simultaneously didn't want to annoy The Princess, so he gave up on the matter. "Sure, Your Majesty. Cast away."
Celestia enchanted his eyes and allowed the stallion to leave the room to locate the requested potion. Her attentions turned back to Phil.
"Phil, there is a sink in the corner over there; I want you to go over there and be prepared to get yourself wet when I say, alright?"
Phil hesitantly nodded in compliance. Whatever it took to seal this power of his. He placed himself beside the sink and put a hand on one of the valves controlling the water.
Celestia piped up again. "Phil, when I say 'now', you have the go to turn on the water."
In response, Phil did the smartest thing he possibly could have. "Now? Okay, if you say so."
"Well, no, that was just an example-wait...is that the tap I hear?" She turned around and saw Phil with his hands dripping with water. Thinking the experiment had already started, Phil looked back. Eye contact: confirmed. Phil's intelligence: busted.
Phil let his arms dangle to keep the water on them. "Alright, so what do I have to do?"
Celestia struggled with all her might to keep her cheeks from flushing. With the magic goggles, Phil's powers would have been rendered useless. However, the magic goggles aren't the type of spell that last very long, and she hadn't had time to renew hers since showing the magic goggles to Phil. She was exposed to the power, and she hated to admit it, but she liked it. Every one of Phil's features was seen in a whole new light. A new, sexy light. But, she was a princess of many years. She had driven her desires down for Equestria many a time, and she could do it again.
"Umm, Earth to Princess? You're not having a stroke, are you?"
Ugh, his voice was more soothing than the most beautiful of music; That just wasn't fair play. Even the dumbest question from his mouth was breath taking.
"N-Nothing for now, Phil. Let's just wait for Mix Up."
Phil paced the room out of boredom. "Alright, but why in the world would you give a job managing important potions to a pony named Mix Up? Seems like you're just asking for an accident to happen."
"His name is Mix Up because he's good at mixing potions. It's a fine skill to have."
He waved his hand in dismissal. "Yeah, yeah, whatever..."
"Was it magical depressant?"
The pony known as Mix Up couldn't quite remember what The Princess had asked for, and was too embarrassed to ask her about it. Damn his pride ~~cowardliness~~. He looked through racks of potions, hoping one would spark a memory.
"It's gotta be one of these...hey! I think this was it! Magical represent! This has to be it. Now to get this back to The Princess..."
Phil aimlessly wandered around the room, pacing to pass time as they waited. Celestia on the other hand, simply cursed her wandering eyes. As Phil moved around, Celestia couldn't help but glance at his posterior region. Ugh, Dat Flank, or whatever the hell humans call it. She had wanted to admit to him from the start that she had fallen victim to his eyes, but even without the goggles, she told him the first time she saw his glowing eyes that she wasn't affected by them. She already lied once, her pride wouldn't let her go back on it.
Just as Phil was getting tired of waiting, Mix Up came back, potion in magical grip. "I've got it right here. It's the magical...represent you asked for. All right here."
Celestia wasn't paying much attention to the potion pony due to the strong concentration it took to ignore the burning heat building in her loins. "Yes, yes, thank you for finding that. P-Phil, could you take a small drink of that?"
He shrugged. "Whatever works." He took the bottle from the potion pony's magic aura and proceeded to take a swig of some. He let out a large belch and recapped the potion.
"That'll be all, Mix Up," said Celestia. "We'll be going now. Come now Phil."
The two exited the potions lab and began walking down the corridor they had walked down to get there. Celestia chose to walk ahead of him to avoid looking at him. The more she looked, the less control she had. Meanwhile, Phil stayed just behind, feeling the effects of the potion. To be honest, he didn't feel too different. There was still a tingling meaning his power was still working, and a look in the mirror told him his eyes were still glowing.
He did however, find one thing in particular to be different.
It was his concentration. To be more specific, his concentration on Celestia's rear. Phil couldn't bear to tear his eyes away. All he could do was observe the gentle sway of Celestia's perfect bubble butt cheeks. Ugh, Dat Ass, or whatever the hell ponies call it. He didn't know what had gotten into him, but it was clear that potion did something. Maybe it turned his powers against him. The feeling of not having a choice about what he was doing seemed similar to what happened to every pony that had seen his eyes.
*slap*
This was only proven further when he looked down to see his hand straddling Celestia's ass. Why was this happening?
"P-Phil?! M-My, what are y-you doing?"
Realizing his actions, he ripped his hand away in fright. "Dah! I-I'm sorry, I-I don't know what came over me!"
"I-It's alright," she said biting her lip, trying to hide how much she enjoyed what Phil had just done. "J-Just don't do it that hard if you're going to do it again." She also thought it best not to mention touching a Princess' rear was punishable by law and gave a pony a sentence of 10 years or more in a dungeon. She actually thought this law was good for the most part, until it got her ex-fiancée thrown in prison. Poor Star Power.
Phil's mind reeled with excuses as to why he just slapped her ass, but couldn't come up with a single one that wouldn't make him feel like a disgusting pervert. For shame. Weird thing was, she didn't seem to mind. Not at all. In fact, she was walking much closer now that he had groped her.
"P-Phil, would you mind if I teleported us somewhere?" she asked in a nervous tone.
"I, uhh, guess not..."
*[insert teleport sound effect here]*
The two reappeared in a flash of yellow light atop a very tall tower. Phil looked around, confused and unsure he ever wanted to teleport again. It was kind of like what a roller coaster would feel like if it wasn't fun. Terrible.
Celestia poked him with her hoof and motioned upward at the now night sky. "Isn't it beautiful? I like to come here sometimes and look at my little sister's creations. I have to admit, she does a wonderful job with it."
He looked up at the night sky, and it brought back a strange feeling. Longing. He longed to see the Earth's night sky again, and see the people he loved. Even the people he hated, just as long as he could see them all again. He sat down and turned to Celestia.
"Y'know, this really reminds me of the night sky back home. It's surprising how similar...well...almost everything here is to my planet. I really miss it..."
She lied down beside him and put a comforting hoof on his shoulder. "Yes, I can imagine what it's like to be separated from the ones you love..."
There was a pause between them. Phil resumed talking. "Say, Celestia, is it possible for me to get back to my planet? Would you know of a way?"
"I'm afraid I don't. Magic can only do so much. To bridge intergalactic travel would be nearly impossible for regular magic..."
He chuckled. "Yeah, I had a feeling it was like that."
She moved in closer. "Still, it isn't all that bad here, right? You seem to be having a good time for the most part, aside from your powers."
They both shared a laugh. Celestia moved in closer yet again, her face centimetres from Phil's. Phil knew where this was going, but his body strangely didn't reject it.
She peered right into Phil's eyes, taking in the dim glow of his magic. Without words, the two knew what was happening. They closed their eyes, moving in slowly-
"PRINCESS CELESTIA! YOU'RE HERE! WE WERE SO WORRIED ABO-...am I interrupting something?"
Twilight 'The Cockblock' Sparkle had, yet again, accidentally succeeded in destroying another close moment for Phil. Her presence shoved an elephant in between Celestia and Phil, leaving them unable to find words for each other. Celestia, out of Phil's powers and saddened by her failed experiment of suppressing said powers, recommended they go home and come back another day for a different test. This was less for the experiment and more for the "it's too awkward to be in the same room as you right now" feeling.
Celestia saw them off before they got on the train and watching them depart, gave a long sigh.
"Hmm, it's been quite some time since I've had a moment like that with another pony. I had originally intended to let Luna have Phil, but I'm not sure I'm entirely ready to do that now...wait...did I forget something?"
Luna came soaring from the sky and landed next to Celestia, looking distressed. "Tia, Tia, where is Phil? We wish to apologize for our earlier actions, they were far too rash. We really shouldn't have broken that wall with his head..."
"Sorry, Lu-Lu, you just missed them. They left on their train about 5 minutes ago."
Luna's bottom lip trembled, putting out a hoof as if grasping for Phil. "...I haz a sad nao..."
Author's Note
Longest chaper, ahoy. I thought I would put this out now, cause Ill be in Chicago for a couple of days and won't be able to write more chapters. Hope you enjoyed!
Over The Hills and Far Away
Hey Hey What Can I Do
Phil and Twilight sat down next to each other on the train, both reflecting on the day's outrageous events. Neither could say they fully liked or hated the experience, but it was confusing nonetheless, and left implications on their minds.
The implication on Phil's mind was that he was finally losing his marbles. All it took was one little potion and he suddenly became attracted to ponies. Sure, he thought they were cute with their big eyes, bushy tails and lack of hands, but they were cute in the 'hug you and squeeze you and call you George' sense. And he wouldn't be attracted to anyone named George. However, he had been kissed by a pony, and almost kissed a pony himself today. If this kind of thing continued to happen, would he really...no, that's absurd. There was no way he would fall for these ponies, right?
Meanwhile, Twilight had implications of her own on her mind. Princess Celestia, her mentor that had taught her since she was a little filly and who she admired more than anypony in the world, was secretly a master seductress. How else would she explain what she saw happening up on the tower? With The Princess' magic goggles, she couldn't have been under the influence of Phil's magic, and yet the two had been about to kiss right in front of her. Phil looked willing to kiss her! And were the two in a relationship now? Were they simply lovers? Coltfriend and marefriend? Engaged to each other? Or worse...she cringed at the thought. Were they...Fuck Buddies? She shivered, hoping if anything it wasn't the last one. Twilight was scared to ask, but knew she needed to know the answer.
Twilight turned to Phil. "Soo, Phil? You and The Princess...?" She left her question open ended.
Phil had a small muscle spasm out of surprise for her question. "Wha-Wha no! W-What are you talking about? Me and The Princess? What Princess? I don't know any princesses. You must be tired Twilight, imagining up princesses like that."
She face hoofed at his display. "Don't play games with me, Phil! I know what I saw out there. Now tell me, what is your relationship status with The Princess?"
"R-Relationship s-status?" he stuttered. "We don't have anything of the sort! I just met her today! How easy do you think I am? Twilight moved to say something, thinking she had offended Phil, but he cut her off with his fake offense and continued. "Honestly, I think that's the rudest thing I've heard since coming here. I think I'm just going to go to the bathroom, and when I get back, we won't speak of this again. Good day, Madam."
By now Twilight saw through his rouse of stupidity, but he was already speed walking to the bathroom...What? You can't run on a train while needing to empty the tank! That's how accidents happen. Incidentally, an accident did occur, but it didn't have anything to do with emptying the tank. In Phil's haste, he ran into a train attendant mare carrying a tray of drinks, sending them all over Phil and sending Phil to the floor of the train.
The train attendant rushed to his aid, checking to see if he was alright. "I'm so sorry, Sir! You were walking so fast that I just couldn't avoid you. Are you okay?"
Physically, Phil was peachy. Mentally, Phil was having a level 4 pentagon crisis. He was wet, he was sure of it and he was looking right at the train attendant pony. However, it seems just as Phil was getting used to situations like this, life decided to give him his just desserts. Or to put it in Layman's terms, fuck him. Apparently, the potion Celestia had him drink hadn't worn off yet, because the train attendant mare was looking awfully...cute.
"Oh, I'm just such a klutz," she exclaimed. "I need to clean this mess up now before Rail Road sees it."
Turning her back to Phil, she bent over to retrieve the cups, giving Phil a scenic view of her-
"Woah, Mama!" he said, partially covering his eyes. He mentally berated himself for being unable to look away. Just how long did Celestia's Perv Potion last anyway?
"Phil, is everything alright?" called Twilight, trotting up to the scene of the accident.
If you've even read one chapter of this story, you know that Phil, aware his powers were active, would do the most sensible and logical thing he could think of. He turned right around, and looked Twilight right in the face. Upon getting closer, Twilight noticed the glow in his eyes, but had already looked into them and knew it was too late to look away. She came to a grinding stop and shoved her face into the nearest seat, which consequentially contained the lap of a confused stallion. Becoming aware of the stallion, she ripped her head out of his lap and dropped to the floor, covering her head with her hooves.
"No! I don't want to rut Phil! At least not on a public train! Somepony, restrain me quick before I...hey...I'm fine? I'm fine! I'm totally fine! Yippee!"
The stallion she had just face-planted her face into shook his head in disagreement. "Gurl, you ain't that fine. Siddown and quit makin' such a fuss."
"Oh, sorry, sir," she said, letting out an embarrassed chuckle.
Twilight turned to Phil with an excited grin on her face and hugged tackled him.
"Do you know what this means, Phil? The Princess really did fix your powers! The Princess taught me the magic goggle spell, but I wasn't using it when you looked at me, and I'm completely okay! You can finally get wet, look at a mare, and she won't try to furiously rut you into the floor. Isn't that great, Phil?"
Phil personally would have loved to hear every word coming out of Twilight's mouth, but he was too concerned with her hooves around his chest. Why did they make him feel so flustered? Her body was close enough that Phil could even hear her heartbeat. It's rhythm entranced Phil, making him tune out every other noise but it. And then she looked at him with those eyes. Those big, beautiful, amethyst eyes. Phil felt like a butterfly in a stomach.
...I'm pretty sure that's how the expression goes.
"Uhh, Phil, are you alright? Your face is all red and you look like you're spacing out a bit."
She brought a hoof to his forehead to check his temperature. That action snapped Phil out of his trance, only to make him vividly blush at Twilight's touch.
She gave him a concerned look, which in Phil's state was absolutely heart-wrenching. "Phil, you're scaring me, are you al-"
"POTTY TIME!" he yelled, sprinting off to the bathroom in a panic. His outburst left Twilight with one single question.
"Did this guy really almost score with The Princess?"
Phil stayed in the bathroom for the remainder of the trip back to Ponyville, despite the few knocks at the door of the ponies who actually needed to use the bathroom. Phil's powers had turned off about twenty minutes before they stopped, but Phil wasn't taking any chances with his powers now that they affected him instead of everyone/pony/hippo/whatever else.
Once he felt the train come to a full stop, he emerged from the bathroom and located Twilight, who was sitting alone and looking pretty irritated. Phil could have easily just explained to Twilight that his powers were inverted, but that would require telling Twilight that he was attracted to her, something he wouldn't tell her even if he was held down and reintroduced to Mr. Whiskers [see Chapter 1, section 23, subsection J if having trouble remembering who this is].
She saw him approaching and glared daggers at him. If looks could kill...well, this one wouldn't. Probably just a small concussion and a bruise or two. But I digress.
"You fall in or something?" she said, practically growling.
He laughed nervously in an attempt to diffuse the situation. "I just wasn't feeling too good. Probably just got trainsick."
"Train sick?" she said, eyeing him with suspicion. "You didn't sound that sick from the other side of the door when I heard you singing! You totally ditched me in the aisle after your outburst! Do you know how awkward that was? What was that song anyway? Its lyrics made no sense!"
"Its Space Oddity by David Bowie and its lyrics are beautiful!"
"Okay, enough enough," she groaned. "It's been a long day and we're both probably tired, so before we go into a full blown argument about this, let's just go home and get some rest."
Phil huffed. "Yeah, you're right, we're getting worked up for nothing. I'm gonna head on down to Fluttershy's place now, see you in-"
He stopped mid-sentence when he realized he didn't know when he'd see her next. Technically, his powers weren't a danger to the town, nor was his presence, so did Twilight even have a reason to see him again? Would this be their last encounter?
At this, a heartfelt smile overtook Twilight's face upon seeing Phil's conflicted expression, realizing he had thought about the very same problem that she herself had.
"How about this," she started. "I'm busy tomorrow, but I'm free for lunch the day after. Would you like to join me by any chance?"
The dumb grin that came from this matched the way Phil felt perfectly. "Sounds like a plan! See you then, Twilight Sparkle."
She nodded, and the two went off in their respective directions, both giddy at the prospect of a new friend.
Phil arrived at the home of his current caretaker after several minutes of aimlessly wandering through the dark. Oh how he wished he had kept the map that energetic pink mare had given him. It was already pretty late, as Phil could only assume by the night sky and lack of ponies walking around, so the darkness of the night made finding the cottage a lucky guess at best.
Stumbling up the cottage steps in a weary state, Phil lifted his hand to knock at the door, but stopped, noticing a note posted on the door. It read:
Phil, don't bother knocking at the door, just come in; The door is unlocked. It was late, so I decided to go to sleep, but don't let that stop you from crawling into bed with me, as the couch and guest bed remain broken.
Fluttershy
"Oh yeah, I forgot that I've got to sleep in the same bed as her. Well, at least she'll already be asleep I suppose. And how the hell did she manage to write without hands? And how is her writing neater than mine?"
He opened the door to a light-less cottage, and stumbled around the living room until he found his way to the stairs and up to Fluttershy's bedroom. Tip-toing inside her room as not to wake her, Phil looked at the sleeping form of Fluttershy and smiled lightly. She really was adorable when she was asleep. He shuffled into the covers and, finding a comfortable position to sleep in, closed his eyes and let sleep take him.
Phil struggled to move as the chains that bound him slowly descended above a boiling pool of acid. A shrewed voice laughed diabolically from afar as Phil's inevitable death was mere moments away.
"What do you expect me to do?" he cried out. "Talk?"
A voice responded, bellowing from his sworn arch-nemesis, Mr Doctor Professor Whiskers. "No, Phil Phillips. I expect you to die!"
"It'll be a cold day in Pony-hell when that happens, Mr Doctor Professor!"
He chuckled to himself. "Then it must be getting pretty chilly there already, Mr Phillips! Bahahaha!" The chain holding Phil to the ceiling was detached as Phil began to fall towards the acid.
"This can't be how it ends!"
Will Phil Phillips survive Mr Doctor Professor Whisker's trap? Can he stop his plan of world-domination? Why am I asking you these questions? Find out the answer to these and more, on the next Dragon Ball Z-
"BUT DRAGON BALL Z IS OVE-...huh?"
Phil awoke with a start, a bad habit of his that usually managed to wake up anyone around him, namely Fluttershy who promptly fell out of bed in surprise.
"All the money's in the chest, please don't hurt me-...oh, Phil, it's just you." She stretched from her position on the floor and stood up in a bit of a daze. "Phil, your wake ups are so, umm...dramatic. How was your visit to Canterlot with The Princess?"
Phil rubbed his eyes of sleep and briefly thought back to the events of the previous day. "Oh, it was pretty good," he said groggily. "Saw the castle, met the princesses, got attacked by some guards, seduced Twilight, you know, the usual kind of thing."
She gasped at the third and fourth events. "Oh my, are you okay?! I can't believe the guards would just attack you like that. Do I need to rope tie a mare again?"
Phil was a little uneasy about her willingness to tie other ponies up, but he didn't mention it, for fear of being tied up. With this mare, you couldn't be too careful.
"No, nobody has to be tied up; The effects of my powers only last under 24 minutes, remember? And I guess I can't really say I didn't have a fault in the guards attacking me, but I'm just fine, so don't worry about it."
"Oh, okay," she replied with a nod. "Speaking of your powers, did The Princess do anything about them?"
Phil looked away from the mare. "Yes," he lied. "They're all 100% completely gone. Gone gone gone gone gone."
"That's wonderful!" she exclaimed. "That means you can finally have a shower and the water won't do anything, right?"
"Uhh, yeah?"
This wasn't good. Lying about his powers had just landed him in hot water; literally. He had decided not to shower the day before to avoid any unnecessary rape scenarios, due to his powers, but now that Fluttershy thought his powers were gone, he had no excuse for not showering. With his powers inverted, he had a very dangerous situation on his hands.
I'm sure you'd all love to hear more about Phil showering, but that part of the story was deleted for being, how you say, too steamy; Moving on.
Phil stepped out of the shower, dripping wet, and proceeded to dry himself as fast he could. If he was able to completely dry himself of any water, his powers would shut off according to the rules Twilight had drawn up for his powers; Boy, were those rules handy.
Vigorously drying himself liked he never dried himself before, he watched the bathroom's mirror until his eyes stopped glowing and returned to their normal, boring, non-glowing state. He had to admit, having his eyes glow was pretty cool, but the side effects that came with it weren't quite worth it.
Phil dressed back up in his clothes and thought about what he would do for more clothing. Hopefully that 'Rarity' mare was better soon, because wearing the same clothes day in and day out was somewhat horribly disgusting. Somewhat.
"Phil, do you want breakfast?" he heard Fluttershy call from downstairs.
He licked his lips and called back sarcastically. "Did Grizzly Adam's have a beard?"
"What?"
"Never mind, just a saying."
He rushed down the stairs and into the kitchen to see Fluttershy and her rope-partner in crime, Angel Bunny, eating some type of vegetable.
"Sorry, Phil. I just decided to have a light breakfast today because I'm low on groceries. Is celery okay for you?'
"Oh, yeah, celery is fine. It's one of the vegetables I actually li-yip!" he yelped, stepping into Angel's unnoticed water bowl. Not expecting the water, he stepped back too quickly and slipped, landing smack dab on his back.
"Phil!" cried a concerned Fluttershy, rushing to his aid. Unfortunately, she rushed a little too fast and slipped on the small puddle of water Phil had created stepping into the water bowl, sitting smack dab on Phil's face.
Phil, opening his previously closed eyes from the slip, had two thoughts upon realizing what he was staring at.
His first thought: "These aren't my glasses."
Fluttershy, realizing what had occurred, also had two thoughts on the situation.
Her first thought: "Oh, I'm sitting on Phil's face."
Very subtle difference. She leapt off him and froze in place, being unable to choose between apologizing to Phil, or just running away to the farthest corner of her house to slowly die of embarrassment.
Phil sat up and slowly turned his head to the offending mare. Words escaped him as his thoughts became jumbled by not only what just occurred, but also the realization that he was wet and staring right at Fluttershy. What didn't help the situation was his gaze drifting downwards towards Fluttershy's Fluttercooch, and Fluttershy becoming very aware that Phil was staring at her Fluttercooch.
She immediately covered up her exposed position. "W-W-Why are you looking at my-"
"THAT DOES IT!" shouted Phil, also becoming aware of what he was staring at. If a potion made him like this, a potion of some sort could turn it back. "I'VE HAD ENOUGH WITH THIS DAMN INVERTED POWER! WHERE IS YOUR TOWN'S FUCKING CHEMIST?!"
Author's Note
I count Phil's first shouting at a pony. He isn't a very angry person, so don't plan on seeing that often.
Also, might as well ask, what was your favourite part so far? Leave a comment telling me what it was and why.
Until next time!
Over The Hills and Far Away
Tea For One
"So you come to me, seeking a potion, that will cure your lustful pony devotion?"
Phil sat cross-legged on the floor of a small alchemy hut. Immediately following his outburst, Fluttershy had led Phil to the closest thing Ponyville had to a chemist, which was the zebra of the Everfree, Zecora. Phil, refusing to go into detail about his problem, ignored Fluttershy's countless concerned questions on the way there, and had Fluttershy wait outside Zecora's hut so she couldn't hear what was being discussed.
"Well it isn't quite that black and white," he replied. "I had a power where I attracted ponies when I got wet, just by looking into their eyes. I was given a potion that was supposed to help, but all it did was make me attracted to them when I got wet. I don't know if you can cure my powers with potions or not, but can you at least make them normal again? I can't keep living like this."
Zecora scratched her chin as she pondered the new information given to her by Phil. "What was the potion you drank called? I must know, or this will remain unsolved."
"Oh, I remember hearing it," he exclaimed. "It was Ma...Mag...Magical Repressant! Yeah, that's what it was!"
"Ah yes," she responded. "That one is strange. It leaves the target of magic rearranged."
"That's fine and dandy, Dr Seuss, but is there something that fixes this?"
"Your problem has an easy fix. Just give me a moment to brew and mix..."
Zecora poured a light orange liquid out of a ladle she'd been mixing with into a wooden cup, and handed it to Phil. "I'm sure of this; there is no doubt. This special tea will sort you out."
He snatched the cup out of her hoof and swallowed it all in one gulp. His face contorted into an expression of disdain. "Bleh, that stuff was pretty nasty."
Zecora frowned. "But my dear Phil, it was but tea. It is as bad as any other tea should be."
Phil gulped, realizing he had just offended her tea making abilities. "Umm, then why was it orange?"
"You ask of why the tea was orange? Well this is because...it was made with...a..." Zecora scrambled to find something to rhyme with. Oh how she cursed that word for not having a rhyming counterpart."...door hinge?"
"WHAT?!" Phil immediately began wiping his tongue. "Why would you make tea with a door hinge?"
Zecora shrugged, going along with her rhyme. "Should it matter at all? Now you are cured. Know that before you call it absurd."
Phil sighed. "Well, whatever works I guess. Thanks, Zecora. You really helped me out here; and at no charge! If you ever need a six foot bipedal human for anything, I'm your man!" Phil got to his feet. "I really should get going though. I don't want to keep Fluttershy waiting. It was nice meeting you Zecora."
"Yes, as for our meeting, make that a double. As for your powers, take care to stay out of trouble."
"I'll do my best; catch you later."
Phil emerged from Zecora's hut, feeling as if he had just set himself back to square one. His powers were going to be back to their standard gig: making ponies moist and wanting. Why couldn't he have cool powers? Spiderman gets the powers of a spider, Mr.Fantastic gets the power to be really stretchy, and here he was, making ponies horny when he got wet. Well, at least it was better than Aquaman's powers. No powers were worse than Aquaman's.
Fluttershy immediately noticed Phil's presence and trotted over to him with her trademark motherly concern. "Phil, is everything okay now? I know you won't tell me what the problem is, but can you at least tell me if you're alright?"
"Everything's fine," he said reassuringly. "Oh, but my powers are back, so there's that."
"Oh that's gre-WAIT, WHAT?!"
"Woah Fluttershy, keep it down," said Phil, trying to shush her. "We're in the Everfree Forest, remember? If you're too loud, you might attract a monster or a dragon or a walking tree or something."
"Phil, a walking tree? Seriously?"
He shrugged. "I've been here for like two days and you expect me to know every animal that exists?"
"Oh, I'm sorry, you're right. That is expecting too much from you. How would someone from another world know walking trees only live in the upper half of Equestria?"
"Exactly my po-wait, what?"
Fluttershy was about to further elaborate on the subject, but found herself quite unable to as she dangled from the mouth of an enormous manticore by her tail. The beast had managed to sneak up on the two during their conversation and had immediately targeted the smaller prey.
"Fluttershy!" Phil shouted.
Fluttershy had a surprising lack of fear for her predicament. She appeared more confused if anything to Phil. Phil wanted to rescue Fluttershy, but couldn't see a way to do so. The manticore was almost twice Mr. Whisker's size and looked far more blood thirsty with its gargantuan teeth and blank white irises. What do?
Does he:
Answer: D
"Hey, Fur-For-Brains!" he yelled at the manticore. "I'm here to kick ass and rescue Fluttershy, and I'm all out of ass!"
The beast eyed him with a look somewhere in between contempt and boredom. Quickly ignoring Phil, he tossed Fluttershy up in the air and opened his jaw upwards, intent on catching her in it. What the beast failed to recognize was the wings Fluttershy had located conveniently on her back. Instead of dropping into its mouth like an obedient dinner, she quickly fluttered her way back over to a very panic-stricken Phil.
"Holy crap," he said, breathing heavily from the situation's tension. "I thought you were actually gonna die."
"Phil," she said, ignoring his comment. "Please stay back while I reason with the manticore."
"Are you crazy?!" he exclaimed. "What could you possibly do against something that big?!"
Again ignoring his comments, she trotted up to the manticore, her attention focused on it and it alone. "You leave my friend and I alone right now, Mister."
The beast took a step towards Fluttershy, accepting her words as a challenge.
"I mean it," she growled. "One more step and I'll use The Stare on you. Don't think I won't."
The manticore, taking it a step further both literally and figuratively, encroached on Fluttershy and stuck his face into hers in an attempt to provoke her.
"That's it, Mister!"
That's when she used It. The one thing in Equestria that could stop even a dragon on a dime and cause him to scream flamboyantly out of fear. The one thing in Equestria that would inflame an animal's primal senses and tell them, "Ay, yo! We gotta get the hell outta here!".
The Stare.
However, despite being feared throughout the land by even those who did not truly know about its existence, the manticore wasn't fazed in the slightest. Its eyes weren't even really looking in her direction. It was like it was...oh.
"Umm, excuse me, Mister Manticore, sir? Would you by any chance happen to be blind?"
The beast let out an earth shaking roar, nearly blowing Fluttershy off her hooves.
"...There isn't any way we could work this out over tea, is there?"
The manticore went to make a move on Fluttershy, but by that time, Phil had seen enough. Mustering up all the strength he could, Phil delivered a powerful kick to the monster's jaw, knocking it back a step.
"Yeah! How do you like them apples? Want some more?"
The manticore almost instantly recovered from his blow and swiped one of its gigantic paws at Phil. Apparently the manticore, did in fact, want some more. Its razor sharp claws grazed Phil's chest, leaving a set of three shallow scratches.
"Ahh!" he screamed in pain. "Watch it! This is my only shirt! Not to mention my only chest."
As Phil's words left his mouth, he felt a familiar, almost nostalgic at this point, tingling feeling throughout his body, indicating his powers had been activated.
He feverishly searched his body for the reason. "What?!" he yelled, still looking. "When the hell did I get water on me?"
As Phil searched himself, the beast reared up for another attack. "Damn!" he said, diving under a claw swipe. "The only liquid on me is blood. This power is water and blood activated?"
It took a few seconds for the manticore to locate Phil again, due to his lack of sight. Using the time given, Fluttershy galloped over to Phil to check his condition.
"Oh my! Phil, you're bleeding! The manticore must have scratched you! Are you-"
"Careful," he whispered. "This thing is probably using his hearing to find us. Also, my powers are up and running so you might want to take off. It'll be safer that way."
"I-I can't do that! You're injured and in danger! I could never leave a friend in need like that!"
"Fine, fine, but stay back for now. I've got a plan I want to test. If I use my powers on that thing, it'll probably stop trying to kill us. There are...other consequences to that, but as long as were not going to die, I can think about those later."
Phil crept up until he was about ten meters from the manticore and shouted. "Hey Fuzzball! Have you...uhh..read any good Braille recently...y'know...cause you're blind?"
The author apologizes to any blind people who were offended reading this...if there were any.
Whether it offended the beast or not, it certainly got his attention. It let out a blood-curdling roar and charged at Phil, who was waiting, looking the beast straight in the eye.
"Alright, now it should slow down and become infatuated with me-"
To Phil's surprise, the beast pounced onto him, pinning him to the ground. From the way the manticore displayed its teeth, Phil could tell his powers weren't working. Then, it hit him.
It was blind.
Phil would have facepalmed in light of his own stupidity had his arms not been pinned to the ground by the gargantuan creature on top of him. His powers couldn't work on something that couldn't see him.
Phil's heart rate sky-rocketed as he felt the adrenaline flowing through his veins, responding to what he expected to be his imminent death looming over him. Despite that, he couldn't feel fear. It wasn't that he wasn't scared, it's just that his body didn't seem to let him. Rather than feel fear, his body began exerting intense pressure on his eyes. It felt as though his body was trying to channel all of his adrenaline through his eye sockets.
The manticore leaned in, its jaws ready to snap his neck, when suddenly the pressure on Phil's eyes was released. As a result, something about the manticore changed.
It began to float.
Now, having approximately two to three days worth of experience with magic and its abilities, Phil was clearly a veteran at seeing things being inexplicably lifted off the ground. However, this particular case shocked him, mainly for two reasons.
The first reason was that he didn't see any magical aura surrounding the manticore, which was something that was present on every occasion of a spontaneous lift-off. The second, was he was fairly sure he was the one lifting it off the ground. He shifted his eyes away from the creature, to which the creature followed his line of sight. Turning his head every which way he could, he found the manticore would still remain in his visage.
"Hah!" he laughed. "Serves you right for scratching me! I bet it's going to scar too. You can just stay up there until you're ready to come down and apologize to-"
The monster suddenly dropped from his floating position to the ground. Having only been about four meters off the ground, the beast took virtually no time to recover, and began furiously searching for Phil. In the manticore's frenzied state, it managed to find him in a matter of seconds, and charged the moment it knew where he was.
"Uh oh."
Phil managed to duck another swipe just in the nick of time. The swipe, just missing Phil, obliterated the trunk of a tree behind him, causing it to tumble down. Realizing he didn't have much time, he jumped back from the sightless manticore, creating some distance between them.
"Damn," he said in awe. "That lion thing must lift or something. I really can't be hit by one of those paws or I'm going to end up like that tree...wait...the tree...shiver me timbers, I've got another idea!"
The monster turned to Phil and roared right in his direction. It didn't need to find him this time, because it already knew where he was. Just as it was about to charge, the previously idle Fluttershy began flying circles around the manticore's head.
"Youwho! Mr. Manticore, I umm, bet you can't catch me."
With Fluttershy in the mix, Phil now had all the pieces required to make his idea a reality. "Fluttershy!" he called out. "Could you keep distracting him? I just need a little time."
"Umm, Phil, I don't really think I can-"
"Thanks, try not to die!"
With his powers still active, he focused on the fallen tree that lay on the ground, trying to remember what sparked that floating power he had done before.
He stared at the tree with all the might his eyes had. "Come on, tree," he said desperately. "Fly! Just fly! Wingardium Leviosa! Hocus Pocus! Come on powers, if you're going to do anything for me that doesn't involve pony fucking, do it now!"
"If you insist..."
Responding to his pleas, a large pressure build up quickly formed in his eyes, and expelled itself just as quickly, lifting the tree in the air.
The manticore, closing in on Fluttershy, turned at the noise of rustling behind him to better hear what was happening behind itself.
Phil rearing up and placing the tree above the monster, quickly launched it down with a flick of his head.
"Goodnight! Sleep tight! Don't let the bedbugs bite!"
The tree came crashing down on the manticore, blasting its face into the ground and completely shattering the tree to smithereens.
Fluttershy's jaw hung loosely as she witnessed the act that happened before her. "P-Phil, what was that?"
Phil sat down and breathed a sigh of relief. "The power of imagination."
"...Please tell me you're joking."
"...Maybe a little."
Author's Note
Let no one say OP doesn't deliver. Just as I said, I managed to post this exactly at 6:00 pm EST, not that any of you really care.
Also, holy crap this story might actually have a plot.
Until next time, my sexual partners.
Over The Hills and Far Away
Royal Orleans
"Did I not tell you to stay out of trouble? How did this happen? I am simply befuddled!"
Fluttershy and Phil had travelled back to Zecora's hut in light of Phil's wound in order to treat it. Luckily, Zecora had all the necessary medical equipment, so Fluttershy was able to bandage him up right away. According to Fluttershy, the wound had been rather light, so stitches wouldn't be needed.
"We ran into some gigantic manticore looking for a meal," Phil explained. "Honestly, I think we were pretty lucky to get out of that situation with only this."
"But you had Fluttershy with you, right? Why did your meeting turn into a fight?"
Fluttershy looked down out of embarrassment. "Well, the manticore was blind, so when it attacked us, the Stare didn't work."
Fluttershy and Zecora continued to discuss what had happened, leaving Phil to ponder something that interested him, other than his sudden ability to lift things at a distance.
"I don't understand this at all. Before I lifted that tree up, I begged my powers to actually allow me to do so. Not only did they listen, they responded! Perhaps there's more to these powers than attracting ponies. If there is, I'm gonna try leaving it be. I've had enough weird stuff happening around me with coming to a different planet, and finding out I have messed up superpowers, and still not getting those snacks I wanted back on Earth to deal with these powers having some type of crazy auxiliary function. Now matter how cool that function may be. And how did it come about anyhow? Was it because there was blood touching me instead of water? That wouldn't make any sense though! There's blood running through my veins every second of the day! Come to think of it, there's water in my body as well. Maybe my power is skin based..."
"Well Fluttershy, at least you're okay," said Zecora. If you fear your safety, you're welcome to stay."
"No, no," she said, shaking her head. "We couldn't bear to trouble you any more than we already have. After all, this is our second visit in 20 minutes."
"Well then goodbye, my two friends. Take care this time, not to meet your ends."
"Yikes," Phil shuddered. "That was the definition of a creepy goodbye."
"Sorry," she chuckled. "It's harder to rhyme your sentences than you think."
Fluttershy grabbed Phil's arm and rushed him out the front door. "Okay-goodbye-Zecora-gotta-go."
"Where's the rush at?" asked Phil, closing the door behind him.
"Well, not to be rude or anything, but you kinda dragged me out of my house in the morning looking for a chemist even though I needed to feed my animals, so there's that..."
"...My bad, my bad. Let's go."
The two walked back to Fluttershy's cottage with haste, taking a different route this time to avoid a certain blind, unconscious manticore. Far enough out of sight, a concealed creature emerged from the shadows of its hiding place.
"Phil Phillips...what an interesting creature...you and I are going to have some fun together..."
Celestia sighed as she sat on her throne, looking at her overpacked schedule for the day. Giving Phil a helping hoof had eaten up a good portion of her day yesterday, leaving all the work she had needed to do yesterday for today. So far she had gotten through all her missed paperwork and gone through yet another meeting with the mayor of Manehattan, but her day-planner was still overflowing with assorted duties.
She looked down at the next item on her list. "Let's see here. Royal Daycourt, a proposal about reducing the lengths of proposals. Set to last around 4 hours...lovely..."
With the meeting not for another couple minutes, her thoughts drifted back to the events of the day before. More specifically, her thoughts drifted to that of the human, Phil Phillips. Even more specifically, that very same human grabbing her flank.
Celestia smiled faintly. "My, how many years has it been since somepony has done that? 400 or 500 if I'm not mistaken. Back before the law against touching the royal behind was put it, I'd have two or three ambitious ponies a week grabbing my flank. Those were the days; it was so much fun watching my guards force the pony to apologize to my face. Their faces always had a look that was somewhere between embarrassment and accomplishment. Then I'd pardon them and they would run off, excitedly shouting to their friends about what they'd just done."
Her smile dropped. "Then that law had to be put in because the guards were fed up with having to deal with the ponies who tried it."
She sighed again. "It's not like I overly enjoyed somepony touching my flank, it's just it was the only thing anypony ever did that made me feel like a regular pony and not, Princess Celestia, Ruler of Equestria and Raiser of the Sun. That was sure a lot of words to chisel onto all of those statues of me. I was actually beginning to think my flank might have been diminishing in quality a little, but Phil was all over it last night, so I guess not!"
Celestia giggled to herself and stared off into space dreamily. "Wow, I think I miss him already; I wonder if he's thinking of me too...Oh look at me, thinking about Phil like a school-filly with a crush. To think one harmless night has got me this worked up..."
She looked at the clock then back to her day-planner. "You know what? I think I'm going to pay Phil-I mean Ponyville, a little unofficial visit. It's been too long since I've had a break anyway. I'll just set up my handy Celestia Blow-Up Doll to take my place for the proposal. The thing is more or less an abomination and the manufacturers of it were jailed for years, but did they ever make this thing look realistic. Nopony can ever tell the difference."
Quickly setting up her replacement, she discreetly snuck out of the courtroom and flew off towards Ponyville.
"Ah, I didn't choose the bed life, the bed life chose me."
Phil lied back on Fluttershy's bed, taking a recommended rest from the small yellow pony herself while she tended to her animals. Although some rest may have been needed, he couldn't help but feel he was missing some sort of opportunity. After all, he was in a crazy land of mythological beasts and magic, and he was just lying in bed, not playing pranks on unsuspecting ponies. That was the real crazy thing.
With a devious grin on his face, Phil stepped out of bed and tip-toed towards the bedroom door, only to freeze at the sound of someone knocking on the bedroom window, which was a little strange considering the bedroom window was on the second floor. He turned around to see the cyan pegasus, Rainbow Dash, knocking on the window, clearly waiting for him to open it.
"Oh look, the gay pride flag in the flesh," he said snickering to himself. He unlocked the window and opened it to the prismatic mare.
"Hey, Phil," she said eagerly. "Can I come in?"
"Well it isn't really my house, but I can't see why not. Come on in."
She flew into the bedroom and, without the prompt, made herself at home. "I heard from Twilight that you were staying here at Fluttershy's. What's up?"
"Just recuperating a little," he responded.
"Oh, that's too bad I gu...wait a minute...I've seen that look before! You were about to do something fun, weren't you?!"
Phil looked around suspiciously before leaning in close to Rainbow Dash. "...Okay, I was gonna do some pranking," he whispered. "But don't tell anyone, okay?"
"Don't tell anypony?!" she exclaimed. "Screw telling ponies, I want in. You're looking at the premier pranking pony right here, buddy! I came over here cause I was bored, and if you're pranking, then I want in."
"Okay, okay," he said, shrugging. "By the way, is there any reason you have to say anypony instead of anyone? They're synonymous, but anypony seems kind of exclusive. I mean, aren't there other sentient creature in Equestria?"
"Who cares, let's get to some pranking!"
Celestia touched down on the outskirts of Ponyville near Fluttershy's cottage as not to alert anypony. According to her student, Fluttershy's cottage was also where Phil was currently residing. She began walking towards the cottage, but stopped upon seeing a large sign with an arrow pointing down that read "World's Smallest Manticore".
Out of curiosity, Celestia approached the location the sign and looked down where the arrow was pointing to see a small woodland creature.
"This isn't a manticore," she said frowning. "This is just a bunny; who would actually-"
Celestia was silenced by a downpour of swampy water and ribbiting frogs, seemly falling from the sky. She looked up to see Phil and Rainbow Dash perched over the sign with two empty buckets in their grasps. Phil and Rainbow Dash, who were previously ready to burst into fits of laughter at the sight of their victim, instead felt their excitement drop into the pits of Tarturus when they realized just who their victim was.
The Ruler of Equestria looked back and forth between the two pranksters and the slimy frogs entangled within her ethereal mane and to the two pranksters' surprise, started laughing hysterically. The terrified looks on their faces slowly shifted to looks of confusion. Did they not just drop frogs on her? Why was she laughing?
"I must say, you two," she said between laughs. "I've seen many pranks in my years, but this was the last thing I expected. A bucket of frogs? You two must have a gift for that kind of thinking."
Rainbow Dash and Phil looked at each other, still not sure they were in the clear.
"If it's any consolation, Celestia," Phil started. "You're not the only one we got with this. You're number four so far. You should have seen the look on that mailpony's face."
"You should have seen the looks on your faces!" she bellowed, still laughing. "You both looked like you thought I was going to banish the both of you on the spot!"
"Hey, no fair!" Rainbow piped up. "I really thought that was gonna happen!"
"Oh come on," the Princess said playfully. "You drop frogs on my head and I'm not allowed to mess around with you a little bit?"
She looked down, embarrassed. "Umm, point taken I guess."
Celestia's horn shone and the countless bouncing frogs in her hair and on the ground were levitated back into their respective buckets. With another flash of her horn, Celestia was completely clean and glistening in the sunlight.
"Oh come on!" Phil exclaimed. "That's just cheating! How come your hair looks even better than before?"
She smiled sheepishly at his comment. "Because I'm worth it. Now I'll forget about what just happened and let you continue under one condition."
"What?" The pranksters asked in unison.
Celestia pawed at the ground softly. "You let me help."
Rainbow Dash struggled to keep her jaw off the ground. "Princess, you want to help us prank? Don't you have royal duties to take care of?"
"As of now, they are in capable hooves."
Daycourt Proposal
A blue stallion in business attire walked between various graphs depicting similar information. "Now Princess, you see, as represented by these three pie charts and two bar graphs, that reducing the amount of visual information one can show during a proposal can significantly increase..."
As the stallion continued to drone on, two of the members of the royal court talked quietly amongst themselves.
"Celestia is in a good mood today it seems," one pointed out.
"Yes," the other agreed. "She seems to be positively brimming with curiosity about this proposal."
"Yes, but I do wonder just why her mouth has been so rounded this whole time. Chapped lips perhaps?"
"Do I look like a lip doctor to you? How would I know?"
"Yeesh, you're so defensive, Warrant. Lighten up a little, will ya?"
"Whatever...jerk..."
"So will you let me join?" she said, giving them both the biggest puppy dog eyes she could muster. "Please?"
The two shrugged. "Well, I can't see why not..."
An elderly stallion walked through the outskirts of Ponyville, admiring the beauty of the day. The butterfly were gliding, the birds were chirping, the flowers were blooming, and oh, what was this?
"World's Smallest Manticore?" he read slowly at a distance. "Well why don't I have a looksie at this."
Walking over to the sign, he saw the small furry creature below it. "My oh my, manticores are just getting smaller and smaller, aren't they? In my day, they were bigger than cities! No, countries! How can you even call yourself a mantic-"
A familiar load of frogs was dropped onto his head by the pranksters behind the sign. The three, seeing the elder stallion covered in frogs, burst into laughter. The elder stallion, had a somewhat...different reaction.
"THEY'RE BACK! THEY'RE BACK I SAY! THE SECOND WAR OF AMPHIBIANS HAS BEGUN! EVERYPONY FIND A LILY PAD AND A FROG CANNON!"
The stallion ran off towards Ponyville with remarkable speed for a pony of his age. Celestia sighed and shook her head remorsefully. "Oh dear," she said with a worried expression. "That pony must have been part of the War of Amphibians that happened 60 years ago."
Rainbow Dash looked up at the Princess with concern in her eyes. "But Princess, I thought there hadn't been a war in 1000 years in Equestria."
"Yes, well although called a war, it was really a method of relieving tension between rivalling towns. The disputing townsfolk gathered in a swamp and fired frogs at each other until everypony gave up. It actually did relieve that tension, but the sheer amount of falling frogs were engraved into some pony's minds, so many of the participants are traumatized in the presence of flying amphibians. Quite unfortunate, really."
Rainbow and Phil tried to look as sorry as possible before erupting with laughter to the point of rolling on the ground. Even Celestia couldn't help but crack a smile at the spectacle.
Phil felt his laughter tug at his wound from earlier in the day, but was having too much fun to care. "TRAUMATIZED! OF FLYING FROGS! HOLY HELL THAT'S RICH!"
Celestia too was truly was having fun, but knew it would need to come to an end. "Phil, I'll admit that was quite funny, but I think we need to get out of here. With all that stallion's shouting, ponies are going to be over here wondering what happened."
"Oh, damn you're right," he said, calming down. "Guess we have to stop then. I've fulfilled my pranking itch anyway, so I'll be good for a day or two."
Rainbow had finally stopped laughing. "Hey Phil, wanna go do something else then? I've got the day off cloud duty and everypony else is busy."
"I'm probably the least busy creature in Equestria, I'm up for whatever."
Celestia fidgeted nervously, feeling anxious. She knew as a Princess, she wasn't quite suited to simply spending a day with ponies in public. "I suppose that concludes pranking for today then. I thank you for allowing me to join in. I haven't been able to do a good prank in quite a while. I should be heading back to the castle then. Goodbye you two."
She turned to leave, but stopped at the sound of groaning from Phil. "Aww," he pouted. "You haven't even been here for an hour and you have to leave already?"
Phil's protests reminded her of why she had come to Ponyville in the first place. Somehow, he was managing to pluck all of her right strings, but she knew she couldn't simply walk with them in Ponyville without causing a ruckus. "Well, I could stay for a little longer, but the town would be in an uproar if I were to walk around with you without prior warning. What would we do?"
"How about I answer that one for you?"
The trio whipped their heads around to the source of the voice that had intruded on their conversation to see an odd dragon-like creature with mismatched body parts and large yellow eyes.
"Discord," said Celestia, suspicious of his actions. "What exactly to you mean by that?"
Discord looked offended. "What, no greeting, Celestia? You wound me, you truly do."
"Don't play games, Discord, I know you're up to something. You may be rehabilitated, but I know when you're planning something."
He clicked his tongue. "My, my, Celestia. There's no need to get so worked up. After all, It's quite breezy, and you wouldn't want your skirt to be blown up, would you?"
"What are you-AHHH!" The Princess let out a very un-princess-like shriek upon discovering that she was in fact, wearing a skirt, with a matching school-filly sailor outfit accompanying it.
The remaining creature proceeded to have differing reactions to said outfit.
Discord howled with laughter.
"Discord!" shouted Rainbow Dash. "What the hell do you think you're doing to the Princess?!"
Discord bit down on his lip to restrain his laughter. "Why Rainbow, there's no need to get your panties in a knot!"
"Oh, you did not do what I think you-OH, DISCORD!"
She too, looked down to see she was now wearing a pair of pink laced panties.
"Don't look so mad, you two," he said, conjuring up a camera. "This is going to be on photograph after all."
"Enough!" commanded Celestia. "Why are you doing these menial things?!"
"I'm ever so glad you asked, Celestia," he said, practically beaming. "Why, it's so I can blackmail the three of you into playing a little game I devised. You see, it's been quite boring around here since my rehabilitation, but ever since dear old Phil came along, it's been more chaotic than ever! So I whipped up a little game for my amusement, based around his powers of course. Now you two don't need to play this game, but then these photos would be in every newspaper in Equestria by tomorrow. What do you say?"
Celestia closed her eyes, fighting a mental battle with herself to decide which decision was worse, but ultimately knew which one it would have to be in the end. "...Discord, if we play your game, you'll destroy those photos?"
Discord squealed with delight. "You have my word, Celestia." He snapped his finger-things and a pure black door appeared out of thin air. "Now just step through here and we'll begin shortly."
The two mares reluctantly stepped towards the door, while Phil remained where he stood. "Umm, do I have any say in this by any chance?"
"Nope," they said in unison.
He huffed. "Didn't think so."
The door opened and the three unwilling participants stepped through, oblivious to just what their minds, and bodies, were about to experience.
Author's Note
Sorry for the set up chapter. This is the beginning to The Discord Games saga. This one may have been a little on the dull side, but I promise you the next few will be the juiciest I will have ever produced. May God have mercy on my, and anyone else reading its soul.
Invader, out.
Over The Hills and Far Away
What Is And What Should Never Be: Part One
What Is And What Should Never Be: Part One
"Alright, could someone please tell me who that guy was, how he made a door out of nowhere, and if possible, just where the hell we are?"
Walking through the door Discord had provided had sent Phil, Rainbow Dash, and Celestia to a rather peculiar room. It was the size of a large warehouse and was covered in randomly assorted wallpaper. What was even more peculiar was the trail of square panels that lined the floor. Each one was different in its own way from having polka dots to having a picture of Discord posing as a model. Three sets of railings lined the panels and turned seemingly without a reason, but never intersected with the other pair of railings. Ridiculously large dice were also set in front of each entrance to the railings, leading them all to believe one thing.
They were playing a goddamn boardgame.
"Guys, seriously, what the hell is going o-"
Turning to them, he found they were less concentrated on what he was saying and more concentrated on ripping off the clothing Discord had somehow managed to get on them.
"Why won't it come off?!" Rainbow Dash growled through her teeth.
"Discord must have enchanted them in some way," Celestia responded, also struggling with her school-filly uniform. "I swear once this is over, he'll be reading to the elderly for a month!"
"Aww, Celestia, is that your way of saying you want me to read to you?"
The voice of Discord was emitting from the ceiling of the room.
"In case you're all wondering, I'm on the intercom. I'm the announcer after all. Because you all look so confused, I'll explain the rules of the game. You each pick a railing you'll start at, then you roll the giant dice I've prepared for you all. Aren't they just more fun big? Whatever number you get, you'll move that same amount of panels. If one of you can get to the end of your railing, you win! If not, I win! Oh, and don't bother messing with your outfits. They'll be changing periodically throughout the game. Best of luck to you! Oh, and I forgot to mention something! If I win, those pictures are going right to the Canterlot Press!"
Celestia scowled. "There's no way Discord would make it this easy. What is he thinking?"
"Well no matter what he's thinking, we're stuck," said Rainbow Dash nonchalantly. "I say we get this over with and start the game!"
Strutting over to the middle railing, because strutting was the only thing she could do in panties, she grabbed the dice beside the railing and tossed it into the air. It was rather soft despite its size and gently landed on a '5'.
"Sweet! Not a bad roll to start off."
She quickly fluttered over to the fifth panel and landed with a smug expression. "Your move, gu-" A sudden blast of pink smoke coming from the panel below her drowned Rainbow Dash out.
"I guess that wasn't the great roll she thought it was, huh?"
Celestia stomped her hoof into the ground. "Discord, I swear, if that hurt her I'm going to...to...oh my..."
The pink smoke cleared to reveal Rainbow Dash, now dressed in pink laced panties and matching pink socks that reached all the way up her legs and drew focus to her flank, something Phil noticed as he found himself quite focused on it. Even he had to concede that with the panties and the socks propping her flank up, she had one fine ass...for a pony of course.
The embarrassed pegasus only felt more embarrassed when she noticed where Phil's sights had drifted.
"W-What do you think you're staring at?!" she said slamming her flank into the floor, trying to hide her shame.
"W-Wha, I wasn't staring at anything!" retorted a very lying, very flustered Phil. "Damn those panties, they threw me off..."
"Let it be shown on record that Phil was in fact, staring."
"Shut up you mismatched Mr. Potato Head! Seriously, who even are you?"
Feeling a hoof on his shoulder, Phil spun around to see Celestia giving him a stern look.
"Phil, getting worked up is just what he wants. His name is Discord and he is the reformed God of Chaos."
"God?" asked Phil in disbelief. "That guy is a God?! Like the type people pray to?!"
"Yes," she responded calmly. "Although I don't think many ponies pray to him. Before his reform, he sought to plunge Equestria into eternal chaos, but was stopped by the Elements of Harmony. Now that he's been reformed, he usually just causes minor inconveniences on the side, but there's no way of telling if that's what this is right now."
Phil's expression went completely serious. "Are you saying this guy might be trying to hurt us?"
"Even, if he is, I won't let that happen," she said, placing her head on his shoulder to reassure him. "After all, he isn't the only God here. Not just anypony can raise the sun."
Phil stood silent for a moment. "...I'm sorry, you do what now-"
"Could you two get intimate some other time? We are in the middle of a game right now."
The two hastily backed away from each other, a faint red hue adorning both their cheeks.
"W-Well, I guess it's my turn then," Celestia said with a nervous laugh.
She began lifting her die with magic before Discord interrupted. "Tut tut tut, Celestia. There's no magic allowed in this game. You must use your hooves just like everypony else."
With a silent nod, she attempted to lift her dice, but found the object to be unimaginably heavy.
"Oh, what's this?" Discord asked dramatically. "If Player Celestia fails to roll her die, she'll have to forfeit!"
Celestia smirked. "So this is the kind of game you set up, Discord? You never really were one for rules." Bracing herself, she channelled as much energy she could into her leg and bucked the die onto its side, revealing the number '3'. "How's that for rolling the dice?"
"...We'll allow it."
Celestia opened her wings and flapped them enough so that she could hover over top of the third panel. "If I don't touch the panel itself, I'm willing to bet its magic won't affect me. Am I correct, Discord?"
"You are, my dear, however if you don't touch the panel, your turn won't end, meaning the game won't continue. Your options are...limited."
Celestia frowned and looked over at the other two, who could only shrug in response. She had no choice then. Ceasing her wing's movements, she landed softly on the panel and braced herself for its effects. When nothing happened, she breathed a sigh of relief.
"Good, so only some of the panels do-" A cloud of pink smoke quickly engulfed Celestia as she spoke.
Discord roared with laughtered. "You've gotta love the delayed panels!"
Clearly Celestia did not love the delayed panels as it bestowed a classic french maid outfit onto her royal body, the black velvet material curving to her slender form, and the back displaying a fine view of Celestia's rump. That is, a fine view from Phil's standpoint.
"And Phil stares directly at Celestia's exposed rear without any signs of remorse. You can practically see him drooling from here. How despicable..."
"WHAT?! I'M NOT DROOLING!" yelled Phil. "Just how can you call me despicable when you're the one who came up with this perverted game in the first place?!"
"You should probably be less worried about me and more worried about your turn."
Phil gulped. Images flashed through his head of him in tutus and assless chaps and other sexy items. "W-Well. here I go I guess." He tossed his die upwards and watched it land directly on the number '1'. Swallowing his fears for the sake of the game, he stepped onto the first panel and waited for the consequences. To Phil's surprise, rather than a cloud of pink smoke, the panel fell through the ground and took Phil with it. He heard Rainbow and Celestia call out to him, but was too busy falling to call back.
He landed on top of a mattress, breaking his fall, and immediately scanned the room to see where he was. He had fallen into an old, medieval looking room made of cobblestone and lit with torches. Directly in front of him were two jail cells that, to his displeasure, contained Rainbow Dash and Celestia, who were rubbing their heads after landing in the jail cell in a similar way to Phil's landing. The two were separated by a wall of cobblestone, but the doors to their cells were wide open. The only other thing of importance in the room was a table with two large thermometer-like devices and a glass of water. Before any of the group could comprehend what was happening, the sound of Discord's intercom shot through the room.
"Testing, testing. Ah, there we go! Here comes my favourite part of the game. At the end of the final Player's turn, there will be a special mini-game of sorts. I call this one: Seduced in Seconds. Do you all see those devices on the table over there? They are labelled C and R respectively, for Celestia and Rainbow Dash of course. These devices are hooked up to the clothing that they're wearing and measure the level of pleasure they are experiencing. As of now, they are both at the bottom; your goal is to have them both reach the top, which is the maximum amount of pleasure they can record, in a matter of 180 seconds, or 3 minutes. If you fail to do so, you all lose! Use whatever means you deem necessary, Phil. The game is starting in...now! Good luck!"
Phil Phillips had never been more horrified in his life. Within 3 minutes, he would have to pleasure two mares to the maximum that meter could take, and there was only one way he knew how to please a mare in that way...or was there two? His thoughts went briefly brought back to his massage with Fluttershy.
"Wings!" he said to himself. "They both have wings!"
He hesitantly got off the mattress and went over to Celestia's jail cell, his face flushed from what he intended to do. Celestia, watching Phil come over, had a look of pure shock.
"N-Now, Phil," she said fearfully. "T-There's no need to be so h-hasty. I'm sure we can find a way around doing t-this."
Phil looked at her with serious eyes. "Sorry Celestia, we don't have enough time to find another way. Now could you lie down? I'll promise to make this quick."
She was quivering, but still lied down as he asked. When Phil got to his knees behind her, Celestia's mind went into panic mode.
"By my beard, he's going in dry!" she thought. "This is just too fast! I've only known Phil for two days. What would ponies think of me if I gave it up that quickly? And it's been years since I've had a good rutting! Would I even be any good? Oh, my body just isn't rea-oh, he's going for the wings."
Phil gently brushed his fingertips along the edge of her wings. A noticeable shiver ran through Celestia's body. "H-How does that feel?" Phil asked nervously. He didn't receive a response from the bashful Princess, but his question was answered when he noticed Celestia's pleasure meter slowly starting to fill with a pink liquid.
"Sorry about this, Celestia, but if I'm gonna meet that time limit, I'm gonna need to step it up a notch."
Phil moved from brushing to full out massaging the inner part of her wings. He heard Celestia moan softly while her wings shot out to the side. He had to marvel at the sheer size of her wingspan; they had to be at least double what Rainbow Dash or Fluttershy's was. Celestia craned her head and looked at Phil, her white cheeks red and her amethyst eyes swimming with nervousness.
"P-Phil...y-your fingers! There so...mmph." A wave of pleasure shot through the Princess as Phil undid the tension in one of her wing's muscles. Phil's eyes remained dead set on the pleasure meter as it rose to the halfway point.
"It's going up, but it isn't going up fast enough! I'll have to try something different; I wonder if compliments work..."
"Your eyes are really pretty!" he blurted out.
She began moving her hoof around in circles on the ground. "M-My eyes aren't really that pretty..." The meter began increasing faster, almost to three quarters as he continued to rub her wings.
"Oh, but really, they are! And you have...really beautiful hair!"
The meter was reaching the top. All it needed was one final push. "And let's not forget about your...umm..." His eyes briefly glanced down at Celestia's flank, but he was far too embarrassed to say what he was thinking. "...Castle interior? Yeah, the interior in your castle is just gorgeous! Just who is your decorator?"
Surprisingly, that seemed to be enough as Celestia's pleasure meter peaked as she let out a cry of ecstasy.
"With one down, all Phil needs to do is finish Rainbow Dash in...65 seconds."
Phil covered his face out of embarrassment. "Damn, he was watching the entire time. Knowing that bastard is here does not make this any easier...wait, did he say 65 seconds?"
Phil burst out of Celestia's jail cell and whipped open the door to Rainbow Dash's cell to see Rainbow in a defensive stance. "Oh no you don't," she said, warning Phil. "You aren't going anywhere near me with those fingers of yours! I heard the noises the Princess was making!"
"Oh come on," he replied unconvincingly. "I was just massaging her wings! Honest! And if I don't hurry and massage yours, we're gonna lose and those photos of you two will be in the paper tomorrow."
"Whatever!" she yelled, a faint pink encasing her cheeks. "Better that than have you perving all over me!"
"Perving?!" exclaimed Phil. "I'll have you know I was voted most likely to not creep women while they changed in highschool!"
"Congratulations! You win nothing! Now get out of here!"
"30 seconds left. It's really coming down to the wire. Can Phil pleasure Rainbow Dash in the given time?"
"Goddamn it," he groaned. "You're not leaving me with any other options, Rainbow Dash. This is for your and the Princess's sake."
Phil walked out of the cell and approached the table and took the glass of water off it. Looking her in the eye, he poured the glass onto his head and watched as Rainbow's wings puffed out from behind her.
She began giggling almost maniacally. "Hehehe, here comes Mommy, Phil!"
"Oh come on, I didn't even set that one up this time!"
In a flash, she tackled Phil to the ground and began rubbing her body against his, her marehood grinding one particulate area of his pants. "You aren't the only one that's wet , Phil."
"Ding ding, we have a winner!"
Suddenly, the three in the dungeon were teleported back up to the panels they had previously been standing on. Phil was no longer wet, something he could only guess was the result of teleporting, and Rainbow Dash was no longer under his power's influence. They all looked around for a moment, confused at what happened, until Discord came back on the intercom.
"Good work you three; you managed to beat my challenge. Who would've thought that Phil was so good a pleasuring mares?" He giggled at the angry glare Phil gave the intercom. "Well, now that you've beaten the mini-game, I'll let you in one something; losing the mini-games doesn't mean a thing! You could have lost and kept playing!"
There was steam shooting out of Phil's ears (a truer thing has never been written). "But you told us we would lose the game if we lost the mini-game!"
"You see my dear Phil, we in the chaos industry like to call that lying through our teeth. But, now that you have won, you get a bonus! Somepony on your team gets a second roll this turn. Now, who is that-"
"IT'S ME, I'M TAKING IT, YOU SORRY EXCUSE FOR A FLYING LIZARD!"
"That stings, Phil. However, you have a game to finish. Take your roll."
A sinister smile cracked its way across Phil's face. "No, this game ends now!" Taking his giant die, Phil pressed the die into a sharp corner of his railing and began engraving each side with lines.
"...Just what are you doing?"
"Why don't I show you!" Phil tossed his die and watched it land on one of the sides he engraved.
"It appears Phil rolls a...a...a '115'...WHAT?!"
Phil looked up at the intercom with a cheeky grin on his face. "If you didn't want me adding numbers to my dice in the form of scratches, you should have said so in the rules." Phil broke into a full out sprint down his railway.
"B-But there's only 80 panels on my board!"
"Well then," Celestia said intervening. "I guess that means we win, does it not?"
"...Damn, technically I have to accept that...well played, Phil Phillips..."
The three let out a triumphant cheer as Phil landed on the room's final panel, securing their victory.
"Well Discord," Phil gloated. "This means we win. Now you have to teleport us back and rip up those photos."
"Not quite."
"What?!" yelled the three in an angry unison.
"Well it is true you've beaten this stage of the game, there is still one final part to complete. Reveal, part two!"
The wall furthest the three players suddenly began to crumble to reveal a waiting room. The three, not knowing what else to do, climbed the rubble of the fallen wall to see three ponies huddled against the wall, clearly shocked at the falling of the wall. Rainbow Dash was the first to realize who they were.
"Twilight! Fluttershy! Rarity! What are you guys doing here?!"
Rarity groaned in response. "Discord is...blackmailing us into playing a game of his. He told us to wait here for the rest of the 'players' to show up."
"He's not blackmailing me," piped up Fluttershy. "It's just that Discord asked me with his puppy-dog eyes, and I just can't refuse when he asks me like that. He's just so adorable."
Twilight chuckled. "Leave it up to Fluttershy to think that Discord of all ponies is adorable."
Phil looked at the new arrivals and felt nothing but fear. "I'm getting a really bad feeling about this. I really don't want to play this game anymore."
"Too late to back out now; you've already beat the first part. Now that all the players are here, we can begin the final phase of the game. You should all prepare yourselves, because this is when the real game starts!"
Author's Note
Can someone please explain to me why I think Discord should narrate everything ever written? It would sure spice up War and Peace. God, did I ever feel weird writing this chapter. Until next part, goodbye.
Over The Hills and Far Away
What Is And What Should Never Be: Part Two
What Is And What Should Never Be: Part Two
"Wonderful, now before we begin part two of the game, I'd like to tell you why I've gathered you all here."
"Splendid," said Rarity sarcastically. "You blackmail us and make us wait in this tacky room for over an hour, and only now you tell us why we're actually here?"
"Rarity, need I remind you that the pictures I got of you were during your heat? The bad part of your heat? And there are so many of them! Seriously, there's enough dirty photos here to put together a scrapbook-"
"Okay-okay-I'll-play-your-stupid-game-just-shut-up!"
"That's better." Discord cleared his throat. "You five and Phil have been gathered here today for one simple reason: All of you have witnessed the attractive powers of Mr. Phillips. I managed to round up everypony who has been in contact with his powers and put them into a single room for a game of my own creation-"
"You missed someone," stated Phil bluntly.
"Yes, I wasn't in the middle of a sentence or anything, please continue."
"All I'm saying is that this isn't everybody who's seen my powers."
"Oh? Who did I miss?"
"Well, you missed a bunch of the guardsponies from Canterlot Castle as well as the other princess of Canterlot, Luna."
"Ah, I thought you may be referring to them. For the guards, it would have ruined the game to have that many more males in it. And when it comes to Luna, she never actually fell victim to your power."
"Oh that makes sen-WHAT?"
"Yep, you seduced Luna all on your own. Unfortunately, when I mentioned the game and you two swapping spit, she started yelling 'Tis slander! How dare thee spy on the royal affairs!' and yadayada. Such a drama princess. Then she bucked me in the face and here we are, one princess short."
Fluttershy and Twilight gaped at Phil. "Phil!" Twilight shouted. "I can't believe you would cheat on Princess Celestia! And with her own sister no less!"
"What?! I wasn't cheating on anyone-"
"Wow, Phil," Fluttershy said with uncertain emotion. "I had no idea you were...like that with the Princesses..."
"Hold up now," Phil stressed. "I am not in a relationship with the Princesses. Either of the Princesses!" He beckoned to Celestia. "Come on, help me out here."
The briefest of smiles flashed across Celestia's face before trudging over to the group with her head down. "P-Phil, is this true? Did you really...cheat on me with my sister?"
The resulting look on Phil's face was enough to cause Discord to fall out of his chair laughing.
"B-But...W-Wha-"
She sniffled a couple times for effect. "Was I not good enough for you, Phil? Not enough? Even in this maid uniform am I not sexy enough for you?" Maintaining a sad look on her face, Celestia whipped her flank into Phil's view. "Is it...unsatisfactory?"
Phil struggled to piece together a response as her display had for all intensive purposes, shattered his thinking process, until she stuck her tongue out and gave him a wink.
"Are all humans this gullible, Phil?" she asked playfully.
Even Fluttershy and Twilight, who were saddened, and a little grossed out, by Celestia's display had to keep their jaws off the floor after the Princess' gag.
"No fair!" whined Phil. "If you're gonna joke like that, be less realistic."
"Aww, you just make it too easy," she replied while patting him on the head.
"So, Princess," Twilight interrupted. "You and Phil aren't together, or dating, or engaged, or fu...fu...fun-buddies?"
Celestia giggled. "Twilight my dear, you introduced him to me yesterday. I daresay most of what you just said would be impossible to do in a one-day time frame."
"Then why are you, and for some reason Rainbow Dash, wearing such...umm...provocative outfits?"
"We shouldn't judge them for it, Twilight," said Fluttershy compassionately. "If they want to wear that kind of thing in public, we should fully respect their individuality."
"Fluttershy," groaned Rainbow Dash. "Discord put these on us and used his magic so we couldn't get them off."
"See?" exclaimed Phil. "I told you there wasn't a relationship. But for the record, with drive-by marriages in Las Vegas, getting married in one day isn't as impossible as you'd think."
"Interesting," Twilight pondered, making circles with her hoof. "So that means you're single then-"
"I don't mean to rush you, but I have dinner reservations at 7 and I wouldn't want to be late. May we please move on to the real game?"
Celestia sighed. "Very well, Discord. Continue with the game."
"Thank you, my dear Tia. By the way, nice work on the gag there; I guess you aren't such a stick in the mud after all."
Celestia rolled her eyes. "I'm flattered."
"As you should be. Now, would the mares please exit to the right." A blue door suddenly appeared and opened on the wall in the direction Discord referred to The mares of the room piled out, leaving only Phil and the voice of Discord.
"Phil, now would you kindly exit to the door to your left; we'll talk more about the rules of the next game there." A similar door appeared and opened on the left side of the room, prompting a suspicious Phil to exit the room. Upon entering the next, he was met with an even smaller waiting room than the previous one, with nothing else but another speaker occupying it.
"It's time, Phil. The real game I've been working tirelessly on can now begin. You see this door right here? When you step through it, you will be at the bottom of a six-floored tower. On each level of the tower, there will be a challenge that you, and one other player will help you complete. Each level has a different player, and a different objective. Instructions will be given throughout the challenges. Also, remember this: the fate of every player's reputation lies with you, including your own."
Phil raised an eyebrow. "How is mine at stake?"
Discord chuckled through the intercom. "What, you didn't think I would take pictures of you during the mini-game to use as blackmail?"
"Bu...but,,,there weren't even any cameras!"
"Ha, that's what you think! There were hundreds! My dear Phil, you have a lot to learn about blackmail. It's the ultimate form of persuasion, and I'm sure with the pictures of you giving the regal Princess of Equestria a wingjob will persuade you into trying harder. Now get ready; these challenges will require intelligence, strength, perseverance, and above all, wisdom. Unfortunately, you have none of these things! Best of wishes!" Discord's intercom trailed off with the god of chaos cackling in the background.
"I could fashion a winter coat made entirely of burs and force him to wear it, and that still wouldn't quell the sheer amount of hatred I have for that guy."
He sighed and grabbed the doorknob of the first challenge's door. "Let's see what he's got in store for me."
Phil was genuinely surprised looking at the first challenge; it was actually quite well furnished. Red velvet covered the walls and a lone silver table occupied the centre of the room. It looked somewhere along the lines of an expensive modern restaurant from Earth, giving Phil a pleasant vibe. Seeing no other option in the room, he took a seat at the table, which had priorly prepared lasagna sitting there, clearly waiting for Phil to devour. Grabbing his silverware, Phil was just about to dig into the meal before the cough of a certain announcer stopped him.
Phil begrudgingly put down his silverware. "...I'm gonna take a shot in the dark here and say you want to tell me something, right?"
"Well, not to be picky, but there are two things out of place here. You can't dine on expensive food without expensive clothing." On cue, Phil's chair suddenly enveloped him in a cloud of pink smoke. Swiping it away, Phil looked down to see he was now dressed in a black tuxedo with a red rose in the right chest pocket to add the final touch. "Perfect; has anyone ever told you you clean up nicely? Anyway, the last missing thing would be your partner for this event, but she isn't set to arrive for another...zero seconds."
The door across the room opened slowly to reveal the alabaster mare known as Rarity, dress in a stunning attire that seemed to match the room (psst~this is it).
"Now, I present to the both of you: The First Challenge! The beginning objective is...drum roll please...a dinner date! Have fun you two!"
"That's it?" Phil asked with a furrowed brow. "You built up all this tension for a dinner date ?" For once, the talkative announcer didn't give a response. By now, Rarity had walked to the table and taken a seat opposite Phil.
"He did build it up a little too much if you ask me, but being blackmailed into eating exquisite food isn't exactly something I would complain about."
Although replying to Phil's comment, the finely dressed mare looked sheepish just being at the table. "Hey, are you feeling alright?" he asked.
Her eyes seemed to drift off towards anything in the room that wasn't Phil. "It's just that...I'm feeling terrible about what happened at my Boutique with us. When I jumped you, I assumed you had some knowledge of what the flower on the door meant, so I figured you knew what you were getting yourself into. Never in a million years would I have thought that you weren't even from our world!" She finally turned her head towards Phil apologetically. "Could you ever forgive me for what I said and...did yesterday?"
Phil shrugged. "Hey, you aren't the only one that did something like that yesterday, and I forgave them. It's all in the past now...unless Discord has photos of that too."
"Thank you so much, darling. Come to my Boutique whenever and I'll take your measurements and start working on some clothing for you. It might take some time considering you aren't a pony, but at the cost of looking arrogant, I am very good at my trade, so it won't be a problem. See the dress I have on? I actually made this quickly from one of the curtains behind that door; the dress Discord set out for me was just so cheap."
Phil gasped in amazement. "Really?! You made that out of a curtain?! What about the necklace and the shoes and the tiara though?"
"Oh these? I just whined until Discord gave me them. It is just so rare that I ever get to wear a tiara, I just couldn't pass up the chance!"
"...Well, at least whining is better than blackmail. By the way, the way I remember it, you tried jumping my bones cause you were in heat, right? I never remember you seeing my power."
Rarity nodded. "I was thinking the same thing, but when I asked Discord about it while I made my dress, he told me to shut up and that my opinion was stupid."
"Harsh."
"Okay, okay, so I was a little mad that someone saw the hole in my reasoning, but I needed a fifth pony, and without Luna, this tower would have an extra floor for no reason. Normally, I enjoy things that don't have practical uses, but I put so much effort into the last floor, so I couldn't bear to watch it go to waste. Oh, and Phil? If you want to find out the purpose to this game, look up."
"Alright, but I don't see how looking up would-"
It seemed Discord was right; Phil was suddenly soaked from head to toe by a water pail that had been hovering over his head, and from his experiences, he had a pretty good idea what this game would involve.
Rarity was able to back up in her chair and levitate her food behind her to avoid the water. "Hey! Watch it, this lasagna is...is..." Her food stopped levitating and dropped to the floor. "-..is not even half as scrumptious as you, darling!"
Phil's fear of the mare before him was only barely eclipsed by his intense dislike of the creature behind the intercom. "Discord, you son of a bit-WOAH, MY PANTS ARE NOT COMING OFF, RARITY!" He managed to avoid being undressed by the white mare, but she wouldn't give up that easily. Phil began to run away from her around the table, but she was in hot pursuit...hot, sexy pursuit that is.
"Wow, that mare is chasing you like you're a sale on giant hats. And you'd better run, too. Your challenge is to not only take the two pearl necklaces off her neck without breaking either of them, but also to keep your pants on in the process."
"HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO TAKE HER NECKLACES WHILE I'M RUNNING FROM HER?!" Phil looked back at the steamy locomotion of lust that was catching up to him.
"You're going to rut me, Phil, and you're going to like it!"
"How are you even running this fast in a dress?!"
"RUT ME!"
"Oh, just a reminder for you two, the rule about no magic no longer applies to the challenges. Hope that helps."
"Discord!" Phil shrieked. "I curse you with every fibre of my being!"
Phil's chances of running hit zero when he was propelled into of one of the room's walls by Rarity's magic. He struggled as much as he could to pry himself from the velvet furnished wall, but couldn't break free of the encroaching mare's magical grip on him. Finally catching him, her panting breaths quickly turned into a sultry smile.
"Playing hard to get only makes me want you more," she said, giving him a lusty look he'd seen time and time again. Unfortunately, he was saved last-second in those cases; in this room, he was completely alone. She jumped up onto her back legs and put her mouth beside his ear. "And running away just makes me wetter ."
Phil's brain went into overdrive. "Okay Phil, think. You've gotten yourself out of worse situations than this before. Like the time you hung a stack of muddy underwear from the neighbour's front porch...wait, they called the cops on me for that. Well...there was that time when...no, they called the cops on me too. Well, what about...Jesus, have I been arrested for everything? Whatever, this isn't the time to think about that. Maybe if I seem disinterested enough, she'll just leave me alone."
Rarity suddenly gasped. "My oh my, dear. It certainly doesn't take you very long to get in the mood, does it?"
Confused, Phil glanced down to see a growing bulge in his tuxedo pants. He glared at it in disgust. "You're dead to me."
She looked down at it brazenly. "It looks like something wants out; why don't I give it some help?" Her magic dissipated from Phil's body and focused on the button of his pants.
"Crap, how am I supposed to stop this? Could I...I guess...well, here goes nothing!"
He reached out a took hold of her horn firmly. Her magic, being interrupted by Phil's hand, began to flash wildly. She slowly backed away from Phil and gazed at her unstable magic with a frown. "This can't be good."
Her magic erupted upwards in a great burst and spread out along the room. As the last of the magic left her horn, Rarity collapsed onto the floor. Phil, fearing her condition, rushed to her aid, but was surprised to see her with a smile on her face.
She looked up at him with a mix of exhaustion and satisfaction. "I...came..."
"...Lovely."
He half-heartedly took the pearls from her neck and raised them in the air. "There, will this do, Discord?"
"That it will; although quicker than expected, you're free to move on to the next stage! I'm sure Rarity will be content staying here for a while longer. Please exit through the door Rarity entered through, then take the stairs up to the next floor. Your next challenge lies there, and trust me when I say the worst is yet to come!"
"...I hate everything..."
Author's Note
I've decided this arc of the story will be a four-parter, because I don't want to cram four more of these into one chapter. I'll get the next one out (somewhat) soon, so prepare your bodies for what I have in store for you.
View Online
Over The Hills and Far Away
What Is And What Should Never Be: Part Three
What Is And What Should Never Be: Part Three
Phil walked up a long flight of steps, anxiety getting the best of his mind. The challenges were going to get harder? Rarity's challenge had been difficult enough, having only won it out of the sheer happenstance that a unicorn's horn acted as a pleasure point. Knowing that now only further freaked out Phil, now aware that the magic her horn had produced was essentially some kind of magical cum. Magical cum that had landed on him. Phil was just as much a fan of bukkake as the next guy, but not when he was the target.
Phil reached the top of the stairs and stared the stainless steel door that stood between him and the next challenge. "Relax," he said to himself, taking a deep breath. "As long as I keep a cool head, I should be able to do this until the very end. No horny pony is gonna get the best of me!"
Phil reached out and pulled the door open, now brimming with confidence. Confidence, that was immediately destroyed by what he saw. The room was similar to the interior of a church from Earth, but decorated with flowers and lots of white material. Many rows of well dressed ponies filled the middle of the room, all of them seated in pews to either side of the room. A silk carpet, which Phil was currently standing on, split the two sets of pews and led up to a white robed pony and an alter.
Either this was a cult meeting, or Phil had walked into a wedding ceremony.
Luckily, it hadn't started yet, so Phil approached the white robed pony for some answers. "E-Excuse me," he said nervously to the pony in the white robe. "Who's wedding is this?"
The pony chuckled. "That's not a question the groom should be asking."
"G-Groom?"
All of the sudden, the ponies of the crowd began gasping and cheering from behind Phil. At the door he himself had walked through, stood a mare dressed in an elaborate white dress, lined with valuable gems. Phil couldn't tell who the mare was, as a white veil covered her face. She began walking down the carpet towards the alter, and as the classic "Here Comes The Bride" began playing, Phil realized that the wedding had already began.
"You've...you've got to be kidding me."
The mare reached the podium the two were to be wed on and flicked back the veil that shrouded her face, revealing the identity of Phil's future wife to be none other than Rainbow Dash.
"What's up, Phillips?" she said with a yawn. "You wait long?"
"Rai...Rainbow Dash?!" he said slack-jawed. "What the hell is going on?! Why are we being married?!"
She rubbed her eyes like she had just woke up from a nap. "Hell if I know, but why not? You look pretty strong, so at least our foals will be athletic."
"Foals? Like, pony kids?! Slow down a couple light years! I'm not ready to be married, let alone have kids! I'm still at the youthful age of 18. I still need to fit in a couple years of drinking and passing out in strange places before I'm ready to handle children!"
"Tone it down a little," she said straightly. "It's too late for that anyway; after all, I'm pregnant."
For a moment or two, Phil was unable to comprehend words.
"...You've reached the answering machine of Phil Phillips. He's not here right now, but you can leave a message after the beep."
Rainbow Dash smirked. "Ha, you're such a dumbass, Phil! Obviously I was jo-"
"BEEEEEEEEE-"
"Hey, what are you doing? I'm trying to tell you I was jok-"
"-EEEEEEEEE-"
"Phil, shut up, I was-"
"-EEEEEEEEE-"
"DAMN IT, PHIL, SHUT THE HELL UP, I'M TELLING YOU THIS IS A JOKE!"
"...eep."
Rainbow Dash shook her head back and forth while taking off the wedding dress she'd been wearing. "Jeez Phil, listen a little. By the way, this whole wedding ceremony thing was just a stupid gag by Discord. I wouldn't have gone along with it, but he said if I went with it, he would get me one of those new Spitfire action figures with real bucking action-"
"Woah, woah," interrupted Phil. "This was a joke? But...but it was so shitty! Seriously, it lasted all of a minute and-...wait, who the hell are the ponies in the pews?"
She shrugged. "Hell if I know." She looked around the room for an intercom. "Hey Discord! Joke's over now, so you can tell these ponies to leave or whatever. And can we get on with this 'challenge'? I should have been dashing 20 minutes ago."
"Very well then."
Phil and Rainbow Dash recoiled at the form of Discord emerging from one of the pews. He clapped to get the attention of the ponies in the pews. "The gig is up everypony. I apologize for stealing you from your homes and brainwashing you, but you can go now. Single file out the doors as quick as you can. Chop chop!"
The ponies, regaining control of their minds, shot out of their pews and barged out of the doors. Discord gave a hearty shrug. "Honestly, what jumpy ponies. What if somepony had been trampled in their rush? Safety first after all."
"Discord?!" said Rainbow Dash quizzically. "You're actually here? I thought you were doing everything from behind the intercom."
"Well my dear Dashie, I thought I'd take a little stroll just to see how you were all doing. Please don't be too phased by my words no longer being bolded, it's simply because I'm not on the intercom anymore."
"Woah Discord! You can't just break the forth-wall like that! If we don't stay in character, the author will slap us like the bitches we all are!"
"Oh, my mistake," Discord said, getting back into character. "However, the real reason I'm here in person is for the next cha-"
Discord was cut off when Phil flung himself at Discord, attempting to grab him. The God of Chaos managed to narrowly avoid him, sending Phil into a group of pews, toppling them over. Phil stood up awkwardly and gave Discord a blood-thirsty glare.
"SO YOU FINALLY SHOW YOURSELF!" yelled Phil, smiling with all the charisma of a murderous demon. "Ever since you began putting me through these ridiculous challenges, I vowed that the next time I saw you, I'd make you kneel before me! But I guess you aren't called a God for no reason. Making me miss and fly into those pews was pretty damn impressive!"
"Uhh Phil?" questioned Discord. "All I did was move out of the wa-"
"I mean, there wasn't even one of those weird magic auras or anything, but you still moved me without even touching me!"
"Really I didn't do anythi-"
"Shut your damn mouth already! I'm gonna kick your ass, so stand still!"
Discord sighed. "Fine, give it your best shot, but it's futile; you can't beat me."
Phil lunged at Discord in a rage, which caused the God of Chaos to simply smirk. Jumping off one of the pews, Phil stretched his leg out and swung it directly into Discord's face.
"Eat shit, Discord! This is my Finishing Move: The 'Why-Don't-You-Just-Fucking-Die-Already' kick!"
Even with Phil's full might put into his kick, Discord didn't even wince from the blow. "I told you Phil, fighting me really isn't your best option. Now if you're done fooling around, we can begin the next challenge."
"Fooling around?" muttered Phil bitterly. "Alright, just start the challenge already before I change my mind and kick your ass."
Discord chuckled. "That's cute, Phil, but will you be able to do that after I do this!"
Phil was suddenly hit with a large ball of magical energy, sending pink smoke all around the deserted church setting.
"Phil!" cried out Rainbow Dash. "Are you alright?"
Rainbow Dash's question was met with a frilly scream. The smoke dispersed and Phil was no longer there. In his place however, was a confused white stallion with a dark-brown mane and deep-blue eyes. With the similarities between the stallion and Phil, it didn't take an egghead to figure out what had occurred.
"Oh...my...gosh...Discord turned you into a...a pony!"
The newly ponified Phil looked at his new body in disbelief. He was pure-bred, 100% pony. As Phil tried to comprehend how his new legs worked, Discord observed his handiwork, trying to stifle his laughter.
"Oh Phil, aren't you just a pretty pony?" said Discord. "Well, I suppose we can't call you Phil now that you're a pony. I'll call you...Lilac Sprinkle."
"No!" objected Lilac Sprinkle. "You can't just change a person's name like that! And that name sounds like some kind of hippie cereal!"
"What's the matter, Lilac ?" asked Rainbow Dash, also holding back her laughter. "Or would you prefer Captain Crunch, or Frosted Flake?"
"Why are you on his side?!" exclaimed Lilac Sprinkle. "And I could just as easily call you Froot Loop! Or Lucky Charms! Even Skittles!"
"Hey, that last one wasn't even a cereal!"
"Quit it, you two," intervened Discord. "Both your names are stupid anyway. Now that Phil is a pony, we can begin the next challenge."
Discord snapped his finger-things and a large glass box formed around Rainbow Dash. Discord cleared his throat. "I call this next game 'Riddle Me This'. I will ask Lilac here riddles until he gets either three right, or three wrong. If you get three right, you win and Rainbow Dash is freed. However, if you get three wrong, you lose and every picture I've taken today is tomorrow's front page news."
Phil/Lilac furrowed his brow. "So if you're just asking me riddles, why the hell did you have to turn me into a pony?"
"You"ll see, my dear Lilac. Now, first question: What can you catch, but cannot throw?"
Phil looked down in concentration. "Umm...a cold?"
"Ding ding, correct! Perhaps you're smarter than I gave you credit for. Second question: What can run but never walks, has a mouth but never talks, has a head but never weeps, has a bed but never sleeps?"
Phil gasped. "I know this one! A player piano!"
Discord made an x with his arms. "Incorrect. That wasn't even close; it was a river. I think I forgot to mention this, but everytime you get a question wrong, you have to spend two minutes inside the glass box with Froot Loop over there."
With a snap of Discord's finger-things, Phil was shakily standing on his hoofs next to Rainbow Dash in the glass box. As Phil tried to get his bearings walking, he tried to come up with a reason for the glass box. After about 20 seconds of waiting, Phil still couldn't determine just what was supposed to be happening. Phil had expected water in the box, or some brain-washed Rainbow Dash jumping his bones, but there was nothing but silence.
"Hey, Froot Loop," whispered Phil to Rainbow Dash. "You have any idea what's going on?"
Instead of a response, the prismatic mare merely glanced over Phil's new body quickly then proceeded to hide her face behind her mane. Phil had only known the mare in question for about a day and a half, but even he could see what she was doing was un-rainbow. It wasn't even working very well due to her mane being on the shorter side.
"Umm, Rainbow Dash," whispered Phil, this time more concerned. "Are you feeling alright?"
She fidgeted around, looking nervous. "Well, I'm feeling better...now that you're around," she said meekly.
"...What kind of cheesy one-liner was that?"
"My n-name is R-Rainbow Dash," she continued, ignoring Phil. "It's nice to meet you."
Phil raised an eyebrow at her. "I know who you are, why the hell are you introducing yourself to me? You better not start monologuing all of the sudden."
"H-Hello, it's nice to meet everypony. My name is Rainbow Dash, and I'm just your ordinary, run-of-the-mill pegasus."
"Goddamn it, what did I just say?!"
"But even though I'm so very ordinary, I'm in love with one who is extraordinary. His name is Lilac Sprinkle, King of Pop Music."
"Am I Michael Jackson or something?!"
"One day, I hope for him to ask for my hoof in marriage, and we can live forever happy in The Magic School Bus."
"Just what are you on?! Stop monologuing out loud!"
*ding*
As the timer for the two minute glass box penalty went off, Phil found himself right back at Discord's side. Phil shook his mane and eyed Discord suspiciously.
"Just what did you do to Rainbow Dash?" he asked.
"See," began Discord. "This is where the fun part of the challenge begins. That little glass box she's in has a gas and hormone mixture floating around that makes a pony both aroused and delusional. The longer she's in there, the more it's going to affect her. Also, note that I said that this happens to 'a pony'. End up in that box too many times and the same thing will happen to you, Mister Lilac Sprinkle!"
Phil gritted his teeth. "Is this seriously what you spend your spare time doing?"
"What can I say, being immortal can lead to some pretty weird things, namely this and gender-swapping. Now, for the next skill-testing riddle: What is it that, after you take away the whole, some still remains?"
Phil closed his eyes to think. "Just give me a second...hmm...take away the whole...some still remains...whole...some..."
"Did you say the word 'wholesome'?" exclaimed Discord. "Amazing, that's correct!"
"But I didn't say...well whatever, I just have one more left before I'm out of here."
"That's true, just one more left," said Discord while stretching. "I guess I have to step the riddles up a notch. I'm where yesterday follows today, and tomorrow's in the middle. What am I?"
"Err..." Phil stumbled. "Well you're the...umm...the Wild West?"
Smirking, Discord pointed one of his thumbs toward the ground. "So close; the real answer was the dictionary. Better luck next time!"
Just as suddenly as before, Phil appeared right next to Rainbow Dash inside the glass box. Looking at Rainbow Dash this time, she appeared to be swaying back and forth in a daze.
Noticing Phil's sudden presence, Rainbow Dash hiccuped and wrapped her hooves around Phil's neck. "H-Hi there, Mister Sunflower! Did you come by to see me?"
Phil cringed at her delusional state. "Jeez, is there ecstasy in here or something? She's gone fucking coo-coo! I'll have answer the next riddle quickly before she gets any wor-"
Phil found himself suddenly tongue-tied by...well, another tongue. While Phil had been thinking out loud, Rainbow Dash had taken the opportunity to shove her tongue into his mouth. Shocked, Phil backed out of the kiss and wiped his mouth with a hoof.
"Man, this stuff is taking its effect already, eh?" he said mainly to himself. "Good thing it's nowhere near as bad as my powers at least."
Rainbow Dash happily bobbed her head up and down and giggled. "Mister Sunfloweeer! Come back! You need to be pollinated! "
As weirded out as Rainbow Dash's statement made him, it made Phil wonder. If she saw him as a sunflower, and she wanted to have hot pony-on-plant action with him, did that mean Rainbow Dash was sexually attracted to flowers? And more importantly, was there pornography of this particular fetish? Phil had wanted to further ponder the mechanics of it all, but he was snapped out of his thoughts by the hoof of a woozy Rainbow Dash feeling him up.
"Woah, Mister Sunflower, your flank is really muscular for some reason. Do you like...work out your roots or something?"
"...Yeah, I'm just lifting all day in the garden. There's nothing logically wrong with that sentence at all..."
She giggled and put her face right up close to Phil's. "Mister Sunflower, can I tell you a super special secret I've never told anypony before?"
Phil was actually surprised at the sudden change in mood between the two that seemed to happen almost instantly. "W-Well I still have about a minute left in this box so why not?"
"Okay," she said. "Then come a little closer so I can tell you."
Phil leaned in with his ear towards her and Rainbow Dash put her lips up to them. "The rainbows in my mane...are fake ."
Phil turned to face her out of surprise. "Woah, are you serious? You mean your mane isn't naturally a rainbow and I'm the only one to know about it?
Rainbow Dash's woozy smile quickly turned into a full out grin. "Nope!" she declared proudly, then leaned in and gently licked Phil's upper lip. "It was only an excuse so I could do that! By the way, you taste nothing like the sun."
*ding*
Just like before, without warning, Phil was teleported right back to Discord's side, his white pony fur somehow glowing at the cheeks. "All right," said Discord dramatically. "This next riddle will make or break the challenge! Are you ready, Mister Sunflower?"
Phil sighed. "Yes, and cut it out with the nicknames. If I get this right, you'll change me back to a human and free Rainbow Dash, right?"
"That's the deal!"
Phil smiled confidently. "Then ask away."
"Here we go; what is the most delicious kind of punch?"
"...Huh?"
"Did you not hear me? I said, what is the most delicious kind of punch?"
"...Are you kidding? It's fruit punch obviously...you'd have to be brain dead not to get that one..."
"Y-You got that so easily! Nopony else I asked that question ever got it! They thought it was a trick question because there was only the drinking punch, so they over-thought it!"
Phil raised an eyebrow at Discord. "Yeah, well next time, don't ask that one to someone who normally has fists...for punching..."
Discord put on a pouty expression. "Fine," he said bitterly. "The challenge is yours...cheater..."
Discord, admitting defeat, changed Phil back into a human as per their agreement, and reduced the gases in the glass box back into air, but hesitated before letting Rainbow Dash out of the box.
"Come on, Discord," whined a back-to-normal Rainbow Dash. "You said you would let me out after this was over!"
Discord gave her a devilish grin. "The choice isn't mine, my dear, but Phil's."
The two looked over at Phil, who merely shrugged at Discord. 'Why ask? You know I'm just going to let her out."
"Well," began Discord. The rules for these challenges state that anypony who can still carry themselves to the other challenges, must go after their challenge is beat. It's in the fine print."
Phil looked over at a hopeful Rainbow Dash. "So if I let her out, I have to take her to the other challenges?"
Discord gave a quick nod.
"Well then, Rainbow Dash, guess you'll be staying there a little longer."
Before Rainbow Dash could yell at Phil for his betrayal, he was already off running towards the next challenge's staircase.
She huffed and looked over at Discord. "Hey, if I'm stuck in here, can I have some more of that gas stuff?"
Discord laughed. "Fine, that'll be 20 bits."
"...12 bits."
"15 bits."
"...Deal."
Author's Note
After a month of making you wait, I have finally finished another chapter. My whole time off has made me realize something: I'm a terrible fucking author. I promised you lovely bastards another chapter soon, and it took me a goddamn month. I hope you can all forgive me for my grotesque behaviour, because this time, I truly will try to update sooner.
Over The Hills and Far Away
Intermission Chapter: Tangerine
Tangerine
"Stop."
The voice of Discord rang from the intercom all throughout the staircase. Phil, eager to complete the remaining challenges as fast as possible, stopped impatiently.
"Discord, what is it?" he asked rudely. "I'm going to the next challenge, just like you wanted."
It's not that," he replied. The author just said he wanted to do...a filler chapter."
"What? Why the hell would he want to do a filler chapter? That lazy shitstain finally completes a chapter after a month and then he wants to do a filler chapter? "
"I know. What a poor excuse for a human being."
"Discord, shut up, you're not even one creature entirely, let alone human. How are we even supposed to do this? Is it happening in here?"
No, he says we're going to be taking it back to Ponyville for this one for the fans who although liking the story, don't like this particular arc."
Phil looked around in mild confusion. "Well, how does he expect that to happen? A majority of the main characters for this are in this tower."
"Through the magic of scene change of course."
"...I need a vacation."
"Hello everyone. My name is Phil Phillips. I am the second child of the Phillips' family, and by some ridiculous circumstances, I was sent to a completely different world than my own."
"Phil!" Twilight Sparkle repeated for the third time. "I'm trying to talk to you here. You aren't monologuing again, are you?"
"I now reside in Equestria, a land filled with vibrant colours and magical talking ponies, such as the annoying, nagging purple one beside me."
"Hey, you're thinking rude thoughts about me, aren't you?! No, you totally are!"
"Until recently, I had been living comfortably out of the kindness of one of these ponies, however, it has been brought to my attention by a certain unicorn that I have not been pulling my weight around here. To correct this, I have graciously decided to assist an associate of my landlord with some of her work to gain some extra coin."
"Phil, would you stop pouting and walk on your own already? I don't want to have to levitate you all the way to Applejack's farm."
Twilight and Phil were both on their way to Applejack's farm. It was Applebuck season, and for once, the Apple family realized their farm was too big to buck on their own and decided to hire outside help. That outside help was Phil, who, due to a few choice comments from Twilight like "you're lazy", and "stop mooching off of Fluttershy", and "are you stealing the library's food?", was now on his way to help buck trees.
The two arrived at the gates of Sweet Apple Acres just as the sun began to rise, bringing an orange pony into visage.
"Applejack!" called out Twilight.
"Hey there, Sugarcube," she called back. "How's the mornin' treatin' ya-oh mah sweet Celestia, what is that?"
Twilight set Phil down on the ground. "Your help."
"What's my name, fool?!" Phil asked the orange pony, his eyes snapping awake. "Oh, sorry about that, I'm just not used to being awake right now. Is the sun even supposed to be that low in the sky?"
Applejack looked over at Twilight as if pleading this to be a joke, but Twilight just gave her a big brimming smile.
"Have fun you two," she called out, galloping as fast as she could back into Ponyville.
Applejack put up a polite smile and held out a hoof to Phil. "Hi there, partner. Mah name is Applejack, and Ah help run things here at Sweet Apple Acres. Twilight tells me you'll be helpin' me out today. Ah hope ya don't mind me askin', but who and what are ya?
Phil yawned. "My name's Phil, I'm a friggin fairy princess, and it's great to meet you. I want to make this as quick as possible, so let's go buck some apples...whatever that means..."
She struggled to keep her polite demeanour at Phil's attitude, but she managed to keep it up. "Oh...well now that we're introduced, why don't Ah introduce ya to mah family?"
The two walked over to an open area where three ponies were setting up a cart. "Hey everypony, come meet the new guy!" yelled Applejack. The three ponies came over with a touch of nervousness adorning their faces. "Everypony, this here is Phil. Phil, this is mah family; this is Big Mac, Applebloom, and Granny Smith."
Phil stared at the ponies for a moment, making them a little uncomfortable, before speaking up. "You're all apple colours," he pointed out. He looked over at Applejack. "Why aren't you?"
Applejack's left eye began twitching as she struggled to remain polite. The pony Applejack had just introduced as Granny Smith covered her mouth with a hoof and chuckled. "Ya' hit a nerve with that one, sonny."
A vein on Applejack's forehead began to bulge. "Ah keep tryin' to tell everypony, ORANGE IS AN APPLE COLOUR TOO-woah, easy there, Applejack. We don't wanna repeat of last Thursday..."
An awkward silence followed her outburst.
"So..." Big Mac said, trying to clear the uncomfortable atmosphere. "We gonna buck or what?"
"I'm just supposed to...kick it?"
Phil and Applejack stood in front of one of the many apple trees needing to be bucked for the day. Applejack nodded, then silently approached the tree and delivered a heavy blow to it with one of her back legs. A multitude of apples fell from the tree into pre-placed baskets sitting at the trunk.
"Just like that," Applejack told him. "Just copy how Ah do it and ya should be able to get some apples after a couple bucks."
"...Am I missing something here?" Phil asked with a deadpan expression. "How am I supposed to copy that? I don't even have front legs."
"Well ya' have those front hooves on your shoulders just sittin' there doin' nothin'. Why don't ya use em for somethin' useful?"
"Don't mock the usefulness of arms! They are useful...just not for this..."
She sighed. "Well, give it your best shot anyway; Ah'm sure it can't be that bad."
Rather than think or have common sense, Phil lifted his leg and swung it into the tree.
In Phil's defence, he was only rolling on the ground in pain for 10 minutes.
"Alright, so ya can't buck trees, but ya can still carry back the apples Big Macintosh and Ah buck, right?"
Phil shrugged. "I can't see why not."
Picking up a couple baskets full of apples, he lugged them over to the barn and placed them in a neat pile. He groaned and walked back over to grab some more baskets.
"This is gonna be one long day."
5 Hours Later
Phil put his back up against one of the empty apples trees and wiped the sweat off his brow. His muscles were aching from the long day's work and he felt a break was in order. In his peripheral, Phil saw Applejack approaching him, most likely to congratulate him on what a good job he did.
"What are ya doing?" she asked.
"Why, taking a break of course. It's been near 5 hours since we've started, I think I've earned it."
"Phil, it's been 20 minutes since we've started, and ya have only carried like, 8 baskets of apples to the barn!"
"9 actually."
"Ah don't care! We still need ya to help."
"Oh come on, Apple...pony. Just let me lie against this nice, cool tree for a little while. Ah, this tree is nice; I like this tree. I'm gonna call it...Spruce Springsteen."
"...Phil, that's an apple tree...not a spruce..."
He rolled his eyes. "Yeesh, sorry I'm not politically correct with my tree puns."
Phil suddenly felt an incredible amount of malice being directed at him. "Phil," she said, veins bulging in her forehead. "Ya better get up right now, unless ya want yer head to be a part of that tree. Am Ah makin' myself clear?"
"...Yes ma'am..."
"Good. Now get back to work; we ain't payin' you for tree humour."
After an actual day of work bringing apples back to the barn, Phil retired beside the large pile of apples he had created. The rest of the apple family went back inside, but Applejack stayed outside to give him his pay. With a bag of bits in her mouth, she approached Phil.
"Good work today, Sugarcube," said Applejack. "Ya did better than Ah expected ya would. Here's yer pay then; 20 bits, as promised."
"Thanks," he replied, trying to knead a kink out of his back.
"Ya look hungry, Phil." she observed. "Would ya like to try an apple or two from the pile? I guarantee, they're the best apples in Equestria!"
"Sure, why not?"
Phil took a bite into one of the apples. Applejack always took a great deal of happiness away from watching a new customer try one of her apples for the first time. The faces they made while declaring the Apple family's to be the best in existence were priceless. She prepared for his reaction with a smug look on her face.
Phil slowly swallowed the chunk of apple, taking in its taste. "It's...it's..."
She chuckled. "How is it?"
"It's...it's...it's pretty good, I guess."
Applejack was stunned. "P-Pretty g-good?
"Well yeah," he continued nonchalantly. "Your apple's good, but it isn't spectacular; little too sweet for my tastes."
"Apple...isn't...spectacular...? Those words...is it even possible to use them in a sentence like that?"
Phil began laughing nervously. "Uhh, Appleback? You okay? You're starting to look a little crazy."
"...Eat another."
"Wha-"
"Eat another!"
"Applerack, really it's fi-...what are you doing...?"
Big Mac paced his house, waiting for the last member of his family to come back inside. "Golly," he said to himself. "What is takin' that mare so long?"
Growing curious, he left the house to check on her. What he found was Applejack and Phil, but what he hadn't expected to find was Applejack attempting to shove a pile of apples into Phil's mouth.
"Eat my apples! They're good!" yelled Applejack.
"Mmmmmphhmhp," replied Phil in kind.
Big Mac sighed. "Ah swear, if everyday in applebuckin' season is like this, Ah'm sellin' the farm..."
Author's Note
Just a quick little break from the main story poking fun at two things. One, that for some reason, a lot of HiEs make Applejack dislike the human for practically no reason. I actually gave her a decent reason to dislike Phil! And two, that everything in existence is in love with the taste of Applejack's apples. There has to be a couple ponies/other things that don't like it.
Also, surprisingly no molesting...figured I'd lay off on it for a chapter.
Back with the main story next time.
Over The Hills and Far Away
Over The Hills And Far Away
"Why me?" was Phil's only thought.
Phil thought he was a nice boy who helped out the elderly and didn't pirate his music; stealing music from ships at sea was too much work anyway. He wasn't Mr. Rogers or anything, but he thought, contrary to the opinion of everyone who knew him, that he was a decent guy. Still, no matter how good or bad he may have been, he personally believed that he didn't deserve to be running from what looked like a kitty that had grown up on a varied diet of protein and more protein. It was bigger than any cat he'd ever seen with an oversized lion's mane, as well as paws that looked like they were bigger than Phil's torso. But the paws weren't what he was scared of. What really got him going were the pearly whites that Mr. Whiskers seemed quite intent on showing him.
"Where the hell am I?" Phil thought.
Phil had a lot of thoughts.
Phil helplessly limped through the menacing looking trees in what appeared to be a cartoon forest. The beast chasing him was forced to slow down to navigate through the trees, but was still keeping pace with the shaky, injured man.
"Damn it all!" Phil shouted. "I don't care where I am for now, I've just got to lose Mr. Whiskers before he uses me as a scratching post."
Just then, Phil stumbled over a root conveniently placed for plot and face planted directly into the ground. He attempted to stand, but found he couldn't due to prior injuries, along with general plot reasons, and turned to face his demise.
"Is this really how it ends?" he said dramatically.
Mr. Whiskers saw its prey defenceless and pounced into the air, landing on a not so prepared Phil. He felt its immense weight immediately crush his ribs. Phil was already in shock for the most part, so the pain only made him wet himself a little bit...Don't give me that look. As if you haven't pissed yourself before. He grimaced and looked up to see the face of death staring him right in the eye. Death's ears were cuter than he would have imagined. As he felt his trousers fill with urine, his life flashed before his eyes. He saw his beautiful mother, his handsome father, as well as his gothic brother, Steve. Steve had a little too many piercings on his face for Phil's liking. Or anyone's liking for that matter. He saw his father teaching him to ride a bike, as well as that time he walked in on his father and the cleaning lady wrestling. His father stopped and gave him 5 dollars to get something nice and not mention what he saw to mothe-...wait...he didn't remember that one very well.
It didn't matter now anyway. The beast's ivory teeth were centimetres(metric is best measurement) from his face. Phil closed his eyes. The beast roared and Phil waited for the unpleasant feeling of being headless, but instead heard someone cry out.
"Stop!" shouted a quiet feminine voice. "What have I told you about hunting this close to Ponyville?"
Phil groaned. "Great, she's not even here to save me." Phil struggled to breathe and felt his conscience slipping away.
"Now mister, you march yourself back into the Everfree forest and hunt there," the voice said in a motherly disciplining manor.
Phil felt the lion get off his stomach, but was still too petrified to open his eyes.
The quiet voice piped up again. "Now that's a good bo-OH MY GOODNESS! I didn't see you underneath him! Are you okay?"
Phil turned his head towards the concerned voice and gave one simple response. "Ugh." He couldn't hold out any longer and passed out, again, your friendly neighbourhood plot, with a single fleeting thought:
"I totally should have gotten more money from that cleaning lady deal."
Author's Note
Comments and whatever else you feel the need to say are appreciated. I wrote this at 5 am cause I drank three coffees, so I'm curious to know if this was a ball of crap.
The idea came to me on a warm spring's day after some hard work at my rock farm. I had just finished the mining and the rolling, so my mind wandered into Ponyland and they told me to write this. Some of that wasn't true.
In conclusion, Led Zeppelin rules, I plan to be writing more chapters soon, and Celestia is best pony. Any questions?
Over The Hills and Far Away
Houses Of The Holy: Part Two
Houses Of The Holy: Part Two
Phil had always had a bad habit of angering people he shouldn't. Whether it was egging the mailman's van or putting animal feed in his teacher's pocket during a trip to the petting zoo, Phil had a long streak of ticking the wrong people off. He believed he got that streak from one of his ancestors, the late Dill Phillips, who in a drunken state, decided to throw a chicken bone at long haired, bearded man. Unfortunately for Dill, that man was Vlad The Impaler, and that's where Dill's story ends. Why Vlad The Impaler was is a bar in Ireland is a story for another time. The point is, not only had that streak continued, but it had peaked, climaxed, spiked, take your pick. Phil was screwed either way.
Phil sat against a large blue door with an angry, dark blue mare pointing an electrically charged horn at him, with a brigade of temporarily gay guard ponies lusting for his behind, behind said door. Needless to say, Phil was life's bitch. He couldn't even see the mare threatening him because he was forced to look away to avoid seducing yet another pony. All he could see were silver silk curtains and a small oak dresser. Was he in a bedroom? An attic? A nazi POW camp? One thing was certain. He was going to ride the lightning soon if he didn't speak up.
"Well, what dost thou say in thy defence? We are giving thee one final chance to explain thy actions before we toast thy buttocks like one of those new fangled devices. What were those called again?"
Phil quivered in his sitting position. "Umm...toasters?"
"Yes! Thank thee for thy assis-WAIT, DO NOT SIDE TRACK US, SHAVEN MONKEY! WHY HAST THOU INVADED THE PRIVACY OF OUR BEDROOM?!" Her voice was too loud for a throat. It sounded like a concert of yelling.
"Shaven monkey?! Whatever, I'm sorry, I didn't know this was someone's room. I'm just in a really bad position and it's barely my fault and those guards out there want my ass, literally, and I didn't know where to run and-"
"SILENCE!" shouted the electric mare. "We will handle this!"
The mare levitated Phil out of the doorway and allowed the guards to come into her room. They all piled in with idiotic smiles on their faces. The mare gave them all a venomous glare. "Guards! Do thy not have positions to be at?! Shoo!"
They didn't waste time debating. The guards tumbled down the stairs away from the harsh reprimands of the mare of terror. She slammed her door shut and directed her glare at the now levitating Phil, who now had his hands over his eyes.
"There, thy problem is solved, now explain to us the reason for those guard's pursuit of thou."
Phil stopped shivering in his levitation ball. She had actually just saved him from his own actions, and he was at her absolute mercy, so giving her an explanation was for the best. "W-Well, I might have climb a wall or two and...jumped on a guard's back..."
She hummed for a moment in thought. "And this is what caused the guards to chase thee so ferociously?"
"Umm...yes?"
She smirked and lowered Phil to the floor. "Well then, we conclude that the castle guards were overly respondent to thy back riding. Such a pursuit was not needed for a mere prank. We offer thou an apology on behalf of the castle. Please state thy name so we may apologize properly."
Phil took his hands away from his face, but instead looked in the opposite direction of the mare speaking to him. "Phil Phillips, and you don't need to apologize. You didn't chase me with those...disgusting eyes." He gave a shudder.
"But we must apologize! The guards were out of line chasing thou so tenaciously. And why dost thou insist on staring at our wall?"
Uh oh. Phil figured telling this mare about his ability to seduce ponies by just looking at his eyes wouldn't be the best option, considering he was technically breaking and entering in her bedroom. That would be severely creepy. What has the truth done for anyone anyway? He had to come up with an airtight excuse.
"Uhh...why aren't you staring at this wall?"
"...Thou is very strange for a monkey..."
Phil pouted at her remark. "Hey! I may be strange, but I'm no monkey. I'm a human."
He heard her gasp from behind. "A human? We vaguely recall our sister mentioning that she had invited a human to the castle today. That human is thou, correct?"
He nodded, but it was hard to tell. "Yeah, I was invited by the princess of this place, Celestia. I guess that makes me kind of important, huh?"
"From the sound of it, thou is unaware of the other princess of this castle."
"Other princess? This castle has another princess?"
"Thou is't speaking to her," she said, downtrodden.
Phil jumped in surprise. "Woah, you're a princess?! If you are, why are you up here in your bedroom?"
"Our sister Tia manages the day, while we manage the night. We were getting our royal beauty sleep before thou burst into our room."
He put his head down in embarrassment. "Err, sorry about that again." Phil contemplated something momentarily. "Umm, Princess, if I may say this, for someone who owns a castle, you don't seem all that happy."
She sighed. "...Can thou really tell that easily?"
He rubbed the back of his head. "Well...yeah. You seem pretty sad..."
"Well...it's just...just...*sniffle* everypony hates me!" She whimpered a little. "We thought after last Nightmare Night, ponies would begin to appreciate and love us, just like they did Tia. But even though the ponies of Ponyville accepted me, every other pony we've met since has simply feared or despised us! Oh, we can't take it anymore!" She broke down into a soft cry.
Phil was speechless. He hadn't expected the mare to express her emotions to him so strongly or quickly. Narrowing his vision down to a squint, Phil cautiously turned his head to see the crying princess. She was different than the average pony, having a pair of horn and wings, as well as a dark blue ethereal mane and tail. Her attire was very similar to Celestia's, with the difference being her slippers were a silver colour, and she wore a black tiara, coupled with a black neck brace bearing the symbol of a crescent moon, just like her Cutie Mark. She was lying down with her head buried in her hooves, sobbing gently.
Phil carefully kneeled in front of her and started petting her mane to comfort her. "There, there. I'm sure that's not true. You probably just aren't talking to the right ponies."
"Thou shouldn't feel the need to comfort us, small gorilla. We know what thou is saying is't just empty words and nothing more."
"What I say comes from experience. Back where I'm from, I've gotten my fair share of people hating me. I pull immature pranks like I do it for a living and that can really get on people's nerves. But, where there are people hating me, there are also people loving me. Loving what I do. Getting enjoyment after seeing me pull off a good prank. There are two sides to every coin, Princess. Just as there are ponies who dislike you, I guarantee you there are ponies that appreciate you and love what you do, even if you've never met them."
She seemed genuinely surprised. "T-Thou really mean'st that, P-Phil?" She raised her head to look at Phil, but he pressed her head into his chest so she couldn't see his eyes.
"It's one of my only real philosophies in life. Try not to let ponies get to you."
Phil tried to keep her head in his chest, but she wrestled it out to look at Phil. A small smile planted its roots and began to grow as she looked at him with those teal eyes...she looked at him...uh oh. Blinking tears out of her eyes, she wrapped her forehooves around Phil's necks and pulled forward, closing the distance between their lips. It was a simple light kiss, but was it ever passionate. She squeezed Phil tightly, but it only intensified the kiss. The princess pulled away and gave him a grateful look.
"Thank thee, Phil Phillips. Thy words have truly restored our hopes in finding friendship within ponies."
Her expression of thanks quickly changed to embarrassment when she witnessed Phil's face light up like a tomato.
"Oh-umm-we-were-just-following-the-heat-of-moment-sorry!" Suddenly, she disappeared in a flash of magic.
Phil sat in the same position for a minute, taking in what just happened. "Damn, she saw my eyes. This pony actually got a kiss out of me, too. I didn't even get her name. She tasted like blueberri-OKAY, that's enough thinking of that!"
He noticed a mirror out of the corner of his eye and got up to see himself. "God, why is my face this red? Whatever, more importantly, it's probably best I get out of the princess' bedroom. I could not for the life of me come up with an excuse if someone caught me in here."
Phil left the room, unaware that the glow in his eyes had been long extinguished.
"No, no, no, no, no, no..."
Twilight "The Panic" Sparkle was pacing around a hallway in the castle. Phil was nowhere to be found after their encounter while running from the guards, and strangely, neither were any of the guards. She had wanted to ask a guard if they saw him around, but they all appeared to be missing. Her mane, as if reflecting her state of mind, was crooked and disheveled. She was gritting her teeth and to an observer, she would have looked ~~completely insane~~ upset.
Out of the corner of her eye, she spotted a small group of guards in the hallway over, hanging their heads in shame . Twilight wasted no time, galloping full speed down the hallway and tackling the nearest guard to the floor.
She wore what some would call a bat-shit crazy expression. "WHERE. IS. HE?!"
The guard whimpered and pointed towards a staircase just down the hallway. Twilight hopped off him and began to run, but stopped when she saw a large figure walk out of the stairway's entrance. There was no doubt about it; it was him alright. Oh was he going to get an earful from her for ditching her. The Princess had assigned Twilight the task of giving Phil a tour around the castle, and if she couldn't fit in a tour in the next five minutes or so, she was going to fail that task. She couldn't let that happen.
"PHIL! DON'T YOU DARE GO ANYWHERE!"
Twilight broke into a full sprint and closed in on the now frightened human. However, for the second time that day, the janitor emerged from a side door beside the staircase, blocking the path of the unable to slow down mare. Inevitably, she crashed right into the janitor and his mop bucket, sending water everywhere and a mop bucket on Twilight's head. She shook her head and pulled the bucket off her wet and disheveled mane. She looked around woozily, and found Phil checking the condition of his clothes. Phil looked over at Twilight, and before either of them realized what was happening, they looked into each other's eyes, one pair of said eyes glowing.
Becoming aware of the situation, Phil tried to run, but a purple aura kept his feet in place. Twilight lumbered towards him, hips swaying lightly. Moving to his side, she playfully flicked her tail under Phil's chin.
"Phil, why did you leave me?" she said in a mock-hurt tone. "I was supposed to be your tour guide, but you just up and left."
Phil already didn't like where this was going. He struggled some more to get out of the purple aura, but ended up just falling backwards onto his butt with his legs still entrapped. Twilight brushed up against Phil and rubbed a hoof up his thigh.
She looked at him with her half-lidded eyes and enticing smile. "Meh, the castle's a little boring anyway. How about a give you a tour of something more interesting ?" She put her lips to his ear. "Me ."
Just as Phil was about to let out a blood-curdling scream, a pony cleared their throat loudly. Phil and Twilight looked over to see a very bored looking Celestia and a very irritated looking Luna.
"So my faithful student, you find my castle boring ?"
Author's Note
Just a short update to the Houses Of The Holy saga. The next part will be the final of that saga, and will be significantly longer than the other parts. I'm also sorry part of this chapter went sad. I assure you sad will not be a normal part of this story.
Hope you enjoyed regardless. Hope you enjoyed.
